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A Query from Queen Impatience to All Aspiring Authors

Queen Impatience
00 Poor Grammer Lane
Fort Moneybags, South Pole
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Hello my minions,

My name: Queen Impatience

I am Queen Impatience and I am writing this letter to shatter your hopes and dreams. If you obey me, I promise you will soon find yourself in command of your own Army of Rejections. First of all, you must forget the rules. You don't need to know the average word-count for a novel in your genre. You don't even need to figure out what genre your story should be labeled as! You especially can't start your query with a hook. Oh no. That might make an agent actually interested and we can't have that.

For my next command, you need are lots of words in bold, italics, and underlined so agents will immediately groan when they open your query and find the formatting hasn't translated well. You need to make sure and have lots of names listed, such as my girlfriend, Mary Sue, her brother, Gary Stu, both of which know the main character, UNBEATABLE GENERIC ACE, but play no part in the novel you're trying to sell.

Now, let's move onto the conflict of your story. You don't need to mention it. Really! If you want an army of rejections like I know you do, then just mention the minor contrivances which are great filling for any failed query. Don't forget to mention them in abundance! I promise the rejections will begin arriving quickly! But I must give a warning here. Don't mention more than three details of each contrivance. If you make your query too long, the agent might not even give you a rejection to add to the ranks. He might just ignore you, which is not what we want at all. We want a flat-out rejection so we can forget about querying them a second time.

Finally, as my last command, I order you to finish your query with lots of personal and irrelevant data about yourself. Let the agent get to know you. I'll even help you here. Write the following: I've never been published, but I've been writing for years. I love writing. I work at X and take care of X number of kids. My pet's name is X. My favorite novel is X. My novel is meant to show X. My novel is 1X0,000 and I know it's more than average, but I've already cut it down as much as I can. (Or, I'm due to finish my novel at X time). The inspiration for my novel is X. I already have X sequels written. My sales will be excellent because of X, so I've attached a full copy.

Note: Agents like it if you mention something which might imply you've read up on them, so make sure not to personalize anything in this query.

And we're done! Don't worry about editing. Make sure to be impatient (like me :wink:) and send the finished query immediately. Drafting and formatting is for everyone else. You're special because you're a minion of Queen Impatience.

If you're an overachiever, you may make a single second draft and add in lots of the following words: that, just, merely, simply, actually, really, and kind of. You can also mis-spell words, structure your sentences 'artistically' (good for rejections, yoda fashion is), and use twice as many words as needed to say the exact same thing (for example: because=due to the fact that). Make sure not to use present tense, as well. Agents like to see things in present tense, so we need to make sure not to give it to them.

Now go! Begin collecting your army of rejections, my faithful minions!

Signed the one and only,

Posted ImageQueen ImpatiencePosted Image