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Heroin Heroine-Romantic Suspense


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#21 gaius

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Posted 22 November 2010 - 08:53 PM

no picking, no fight. i wasn't aware of the Litgal disclaimer or that she refuses to read from those who make nonchalant comments. you have my humble apology.

gaius

#22 thrownbones

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Posted 22 November 2010 - 09:10 PM

no picking, no fight. i wasn't aware of the Litgal disclaimer or that she refuses to read from those who make nonchalant comments. you have my humble apology.

gaius



Lol, ... "Litgal disclaimer"?

Humble?!?!

Uh-huh. :laugh:

Thank you, you celebrated jurist of Rome! :wink:

The first Mark Mallen novel, Untold Damage, is now available via Midnight Ink! Look for the second Mark Mallen novel, Critical Damage in April of 2014 (Should we all be here, natch).

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#23 gaius

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Posted 23 November 2010 - 01:57 PM

Ah, Bones. As it goes,"When in Rome...."

I guess I have crossed the Rubicon.

Lol,

Gaius

#24 thrownbones

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Posted 23 November 2010 - 02:04 PM

Consider me the spectral apparition that appeared to Ceasar.

Hope you don't mind getting your feet wet.

The first Mark Mallen novel, Untold Damage, is now available via Midnight Ink! Look for the second Mark Mallen novel, Critical Damage in April of 2014 (Should we all be here, natch).

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#25 ReginaZ

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Posted 27 November 2010 - 04:48 AM

Thank you Terry, Litgal, Derrick and gaius,

Dear Agent,

Wildlife filmmaker Fiona Corolla is alone and love knocks at her door on a snowy afternoon. She has to interview drug lord Wayne Wanderputt for her friend’s project. The meeting at a blood-stained cellar in the suburban New York is a nerve chilling experience for Fiona. But her subconscious notes the animal charm exude by Wayne, the sleekness of a big cat, quick-wittedness of a fox and the regal look of a lion.

After her interview airs, the DEA approaches Fiona with a scheme to capture Wayne–––record his murky existence as a resident-in filmmaker. Publicity-seeking Wayne can't resist and brings beautiful Fiona into his cartel. Fiona finds a humane dolphin, a silent dove and a tender polar bear in Wayne. Love conquers common sense as the undercover operation becomes romance. She is certain her intense affection will reform Wayne, a good man living on the wrong side.

However, Fiona is unaware that drug lordship is like a tiger ride. Once you get down, the tiger will kill you. The lovers’ tight rope walk towards safety is further complicated by a cryptic murder, a mysterious kite flyer, a strip teaser, a man with a golden gun, a priest with a shady past, a conspiring goon, a can of human blood, a tribal gang, riot, more murders, mayhem and a RING.

HEROIN HEROINE is a romantic suspense novel complete at 75k words.

#26 Litgal

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    In between I became a "hybrid" as part of a group of six authors involved in a high concept novel-in-six-parts called "A Day of Fire" which released in November of 2014. The book, "A Day of Fire," tells the story of the final days of the doomed city of Pompeii in a way you've never read it before.

    In October 2019 my next novel--another group project co-written with 5 other amazing, multi-published historical novelists--"Ribbons of Scarlet" will be released by William Morrow. A novel of the French Revolution's Women, Ribbons of Scarlet is a timely story of the power of women to start a revolution—and change the world.

Posted 27 November 2010 - 09:09 AM

1) YOU'VE LOST YOUR INTERESTING HOOK -- "Wildlife filmmaker Fiona Corolla is alone and love knocks at her door on a snowy afternoon." What? YOUR HOOK AS LOST ALL IT'S INTRIGUE AND IMMEDIACY. What happened to the twist on "the last thing documentary filmmaker Fiona Corolla expected when when she interviewed a brutal drug lord was to fall in love with him"?????

"love knocking on her door" in the afternoon is not at all gritty-- and your last version made your book sound gritty. PLUS love (aka Wayne) doesn't knock on her door so now you have folks thinking that she falls in love with her "tight scheduled friend" (whatever that actually means because it really doesn't make sense as written)

2) ALL THE ANIMAL REFERENCES DON'T WORK -- imo they are just an attempt to be overly clever in the query and they don't really tell the reader much because each person imagines each of those animals differently and has different associations with them. Plus suddenly this query is all about wild-life documentaries and not about gritty, vicious, but oh-so-loveable drug lords. I am at a loss to see how any of the comments you received on your letter from any AQ member took you in this direction. I THOUGHT YOU HAD ESTABLISHED A TONE AND WERE FINE-TUNING BUT IT SEEMS YOU HAVE STARTED OVER AND THIS QUERY COULD BE FOR AN ENTIRELY DIFFERENT BOOK (AT LEAST AS FAR AS TONE IS CONCERNED)

3) Clarity -- watch for areas that just plain don't make sense like "After her interview airs, the DEA approaches Fiona with a scheme to capture Wayne–––record his murky existence as a resident-in. Publicity-seeking Wayne can't resist and brings beautiful Fiona into his cartel." WAYNE CAN'T RESIST WHAT? RIGHT NOW IT READS AS IF HE CAN'T RESIST EITHER THE SCHEME TO CATCH HIM (BIZARRE) OR RECORDING HIS ESISTENC AS A "RESIDENT-IN" IS HE A HOTEL AND DID YOU DROP AN "n"? I MEAN FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE WHAT IS A "RESIDENT-IN"?

4) LAUNDRY LISTS -- This query is full of them and many times they are "huh?" inspiring -- a humane dolphin, a silent dove and a chirpy sparrow," comes readily to mind. But you also have a long list of things that complicate the lovers "tighrope walk" (ack, shield your eyes, it's a cliche) towards safety -- a list which, without illumination or explanation just seems to hang there. I would rather you show us a dangerous incident and perhaps mention a couple of these items after that.

I REALLY DO SUSPECT YOU HAVE A GRIPPING STORY BUT, IMO, YOU HAVE WANDERED FAR FROM IT IN THIS QUERY. I LIKE THIS LETTER LESS THAN THE ORIGINAL THAT YOU POSTED. I WAS ACTUALLY INITIALLY SO EXHAUSTED BY LOOKING AT THIS NEW VERSION THAT I CONSIDERED JUST POSTING "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" AND LEAVING IT AT THAT

Lit. (aka Sophie Perinot)

#27 gaius

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Posted 27 November 2010 - 09:32 PM

Looks like we snagged you with our two bits. not to worry. it happens to all of us. you've got the guts and gears to make it right. remember,this query thing is a sales pitch not a story. as jean mentioned in an earlier post, we are intrigued. keep it short and sweet like a drop of sugar. the flies will come.

best of luck,
gaius

#28 Brendacarre

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Posted 28 November 2010 - 01:38 AM

I LIKE THIS LETTER LESS THAN THE ORIGINAL THAT YOU POSTED. [/font][/size]


Ditto. I'm with Litgal. Consider going back to the original. :wink:

#29 ReginaZ

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Posted 01 December 2010 - 10:25 AM

Thank you, Litgal, gaius, Candycane

Take 3

Dear Agent,

When documentary film maker Fiona Corolla interviews drug lord Wayne Vanderputt in a blood-stained cellar in suburban New York, she doesn't see Cupid's arrow aiming at her heart.

After her interview airs, the DEA approaches Fiona with a scheme to capture Wayne-stick with him and record his murky existence. Publicity-seeking Wayne brings beautiful Fiona into his secret island. The charity-loving, majestic, and sexy Wayne attracts Fiona. Love conquers common sense as the undercover operation becomes romance. Fiona is certain her intense affection will reform Wayne, a good man living on the wrong side.

But the change over has a price tag. The lovers have to solve a cryptic murder with three clues, a kite, a nail and a can of blood to thwart a brewing conspiracy.

HEROIN HEROINE is a romantic suspense novel complete at 75k words.

#30 Cat Woods

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Posted 01 December 2010 - 03:05 PM

Wow, this has really come full circle. You've done a nice job of finding the meat of your story. I'll add that I don't think you need the "charity-loving majestic " line. I think it detracts from the nice pace you have written.

Also, the last sentence reads a bit awkwardly to me. Maybe flip-flop your order. "To thwart..., the lovers...with three clues: a kite, a nail and...."

I like this version a lot. It has punch, voice and cohesiveness.

Best~

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#31 Brendacarre

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Posted 02 December 2010 - 12:34 AM

Thank you, Litgal, gaius, Candycane

Take 3

Dear Agent,

When documentary film maker Fiona Corolla interviews drug lord Wayne Vanderputt in a blood-stained cellar in suburban New York, she doesn't see Cupid's arrow aiming at her heart.

After her interview airs, the DEA approaches Fiona with a scheme to capture Wayne-, stick with him, and record his murky existence. Publicity-seeking Wayne brings beautiful Fiona intoonto his secret island. The charity-loving, majestic, and sexy (feels overdone) Wayne attracts Fiona. Love conquers common sense as the undercover operation becomes turns into romance. Fiona is certain her intense affection will reform Wayne, a good man living on the wrong side.

But the change over reformation has a price tag. The lovers have to solve a cryptic murder with three clues, a kite, a nail and a can of blood to thwart a brewing conspiracy.

HEROIN HEROINE is a romantic suspense novel complete at 75k words.


I like this. I suggest you give it a go. Send it and see how it does. Good luck. :biggrin:




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