HAPPY ACRES (Offbeat/Quirky)
Posted 20 November 2010 - 10:07 PM
I would truly appreciate all honest and constructive criticism on this query letter.
Becoming trapped on a twisted alien planet and befriending a scatter-brained people hating cab driver was not what Edward had in mind when he accepted this fact-finding mission.
Our fearless galactic explorer Edward Tibolt is lunching in a peaceful park on his normally peaceful planet when he's struck in he the head by a black box that fall froms the sky. Intrigued with what he finds inside, he sets off to it's planet of origin. Upon arrival, he finds himself submerged in the bizarre culture of a rural Pennsylvania trailer park. After making friends with a select few of the natives, and seeing all that he could withstand Edward prepares to journey back to his home only to realize that he is marooned.
Hunkering down into a semi-permanent residence, Edwards begins to question if he'll ever see his home world again.
Nikolai Petters was born and raised in the small town of Greensburg PA. At the age of sixteen, he began hitchhiking up and down the eastern seaboard
During his travels, he came across a the book 'So Long And Thanks For All The Fish' and was immediately enthralled with the works Douglas Adams. From that point he began creating his own short stories based his own experiences and the people he met along the way.
Posted 22 November 2010 - 02:08 PM
Best of luck and I'll be looking for your new post.
Posted 29 November 2010 - 01:26 PM
Let's make a pass at this, though.
Becoming trapped on a twisted alien planet<--comma and befriending a scatter-brained people-->hyphen<--hating cab driver was not what Edward had in mind when he accepted this fact-finding mission.
Now, you say 'when he accepted THIS fact-finding mission', but we don't know what THIS fact-finding mission is about, or what it entails. Why not just smack the reader with the mission?
In this next sentence:
'Our fearless galactic explorer Edward Tibolt is lunching in a peaceful park on his normally peaceful planet when he's struck in he the head by a black box that fall froms the sky.'
I'm sure you m,ean 'falls from', and not 'fall froms'. Now, is Edward 'our fearless galactic explorer?' I ask, because I don't know Edward yet, and find it hard to connect with the title wqithout giving me reason to feel that way. I guess what I'm saying here is, you want the reader to connect with the protag right away. If I'm to determine he's what you say he is, I should know what makes him that way.
'Intrigued with what he finds inside,' What does he find that makes him begin his journey? Without this info, I, as a reader, really wouldn't read futher. This is something you want to be careful with. Leaving to much guessing can kill your chances at getting offers from agents, let alone an audience.
Be direct. Be firm. And be confident. You might have a cute little story here, but there's too much ambiguity.
Hope this helps,
Posted 30 November 2010 - 10:09 PM
Posted 01 December 2010 - 12:11 PM
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