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HAPPY ACRES (Offbeat/Quirky)


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#1 Rosetta

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Posted 20 November 2010 - 10:07 PM

Hello!

I would truly appreciate all honest and constructive criticism on this query letter.

Thank you




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Becoming trapped on a twisted alien planet and befriending a scatter-brained people hating cab driver was not what Edward had in mind when he accepted this fact-finding mission.


Synopsis:

Our fearless galactic explorer Edward Tibolt is lunching in a peaceful park on his normally peaceful planet when he's struck in he the head by a black box that fall froms the sky. Intrigued with what he finds inside, he sets off to it's planet of origin. Upon arrival, he finds himself submerged in the bizarre culture of a rural Pennsylvania trailer park. After making friends with a select few of the natives, and seeing all that he could withstand Edward prepares to journey back to his home only to realize that he is marooned.

Hunkering down into a semi-permanent residence, Edwards begins to question if he'll ever see his home world again.



Author Biography:

Nikolai Petters was born and raised in the small town of Greensburg PA. At the age of sixteen, he began hitchhiking up and down the eastern seaboard

During his travels, he came across a the book 'So Long And Thanks For All The Fish' and was immediately enthralled with the works Douglas Adams. From that point he began creating his own short stories based his own experiences and the people he met along the way.

#2 Pete Morin

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Posted 20 November 2010 - 10:13 PM

Nikolai, read the introductory posts in this forum on how to write a query letter - then you can put this into proper format and we'll have a go at it!
Pete

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#3 gaius

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Posted 22 November 2010 - 02:08 PM

Follow Peter's advice. Read the queries of others and try to fit your story to the mold. It is a formula that we must all abide by.

Best of luck and I'll be looking for your new post.

Gaius

#4 Randy

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Posted 29 November 2010 - 01:26 PM

Don't be discouraged, Rosetta. Pete, and gaius, are right. You'll feel more confident once you get the formatting down. You may consider perusing some of the other queries, and resolutions, posted here also

Let's make a pass at this, though.

Becoming trapped on a twisted alien planet<--comma and befriending a scatter-brained people-->hyphen<--hating cab driver was not what Edward had in mind when he accepted this fact-finding mission.

Now, you say 'when he accepted THIS fact-finding mission', but we don't know what THIS fact-finding mission is about, or what it entails. Why not just smack the reader with the mission?

In this next sentence:

'Our fearless galactic explorer Edward Tibolt is lunching in a peaceful park on his normally peaceful planet when he's struck in he the head by a black box that fall froms the sky.'

I'm sure you m,ean 'falls from', and not 'fall froms'. Now, is Edward 'our fearless galactic explorer?' I ask, because I don't know Edward yet, and find it hard to connect with the title wqithout giving me reason to feel that way. I guess what I'm saying here is, you want the reader to connect with the protag right away. If I'm to determine he's what you say he is, I should know what makes him that way.

'Intrigued with what he finds inside,' What does he find that makes him begin his journey? Without this info, I, as a reader, really wouldn't read futher. This is something you want to be careful with. Leaving to much guessing can kill your chances at getting offers from agents, let alone an audience.

Be direct. Be firm. And be confident. You might have a cute little story here, but there's too much ambiguity.

Hope this helps,

Randy
The greatest personal defeat of any writer is not what they have written, but is afraid to write.

#5 Pat Megahey

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Posted 30 November 2010 - 10:09 PM

I agree with all the others. You need to properly format and be careful with punctuaton. Also what is Edward's normally peaceful planet? Is it Earth? I don't really get a clear picture of what his mission is, or why he is marooned. What is he going to do to try and get off of this strange planet? I'm also in the process of perfecting my query letter and must have rewritten it at least twenty times. Sometimes I wonder if I'm making it better or worse. Best of luck to you. Pat

#6 Shaunta

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Posted 01 December 2010 - 12:11 PM

I can't decide if this is adult or children's book, so when you are formatting, remember to put that plus the word count in.




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