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DREAM MAKER (YA Speculative Fiction)


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#1 MandieBaxter

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Posted 19 November 2012 - 10:15 PM

Dear AWESOME AGENT,

At the age of eleven, Mason Greer found mysterious boxes full of things he will never forget—body parts of a Dreamer. Who? He’ll never know, but he’ll be damned if it happens again. He throws himself into training to protect those who can bring their dreams to reality.

Six years later on his first mission, Mason knows what he has to do: find a Dreamer, save the world, become a hero. Easy, right? Sure, until he meets seventeen-year-old Avery Carmichael, who, according to his records, should be a boy.

Avery makes Mason’s job anything but simple. Haunted by her past, she lives in fear that the people who took her parents will come for her next. So when Mason shows up and tells her she’s not crazy she doesn’t know what to believe. But her inability to control her gift brings the Dream Catchers closer and the duo must learn to work together—despite their unwarranted attraction toward each other—to avoid them. If this group catches a Dreamer like Avery they’ll use her power to change the world into a living nightmare.

Narrated alternately by Mason and Avery, DREAM MAKER, a YA speculative fiction novel, is complete at 60,000 words.

I am a member of SCWBI, as well as a staff writer for MIABELLA, a new magazine geared toward young women. Thank you for your time and I look forward to the opportunity to share more of DREAM MAKER with you.

Thank you,

#2 quenofscotts

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Posted 19 November 2012 - 10:38 PM

Change emdash after "never forget" to a colon.

Your first paragraph lacks clarity and the ideas need to be more connected. I'm not sure what you mean by "Dreamer." I'd take out the "Who?" It's excessive and a bit gimmicky. I wouldn't say "he'll never know," because that gives away the ending. You haven't shown why the other dreamers are still under attack, or need protection.

Why have six years gone by? That seems a lot and if it's not worth explaining, it should be left out entirely. How is saving one Dreamer the same as saving the entire world? And who is sending him on the missions? I'm confused. I would leave out the rhetorical questions, too. They're distracting. When you introduce Avery, immediately reveal their relationship: is she a dreamer? A sidekick? Explain right away in the same paragraph that she is not, in fact, a boy. How does Mason know she's not crazy? That's another loose end that needs explaining. Why is the attraction unwarranted? Why are the enemies called "Dream Catchers?" So far, I only get that they are killing the Dreamers, not catching the dreams.

Sarah

#3 bigblackcat97

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Posted 21 November 2012 - 11:06 PM

Hi Mandie! My thoughts:

At the age of eleven, Mason Greer found mysterious boxes I still don't think you need the plural here. The focus is on their contents, and are the boxes themselves mysterious? Or is it just a box, with uh... you know full of things he will never forget—body parts of a Dreamer. Who? He’ll never know, but he’ll be damned if it happens again. He throws himself into training to protect those who can bring their dreams to reality. Does what Mason wants to be come (a Protector?) have some kind of cool name? I feel like it should - we've got Dreamers and Dream Catchers, so I want to know what he's called, and it's an organic place to insert it here - "He throws himself into training to become a blah blah..."

Six years later on his first mission, Mason knows what he has to do: find a Dreamer, save the world I know that Avery is a special kind of Dreamer because of the last para, but Mason doesn't know that PRE meeting her. Which right now how does he know he'll be saving the world? If every mission is to protect a Dreamer, not *every* mission can be world-saving quality. Does that make sense? become a hero. Easy, right? Sure, until he meets seventeen-year-old Avery Carmichael, who, according to his records, should be a boy. I didn't notice this before, but now I wonder what kind of impact that actually has on the story - that she should be a boy. Other than a funny mixup for shock value, it doesn't come up again in the query. Are Dreamers and Protectors usually same-sex to avoid attractions that might get in the way of duty? If so, make that clear here.

Avery makes Mason’s job anything but simple. Haunted by her past, she lives in fear that the people who took her parents will come for her next. So when Mason shows up and tells her she’s not crazy need a comma here? she doesn’t know what to believe. But her inability to control her gift brings the Dream Catchers closer and the duo must learn to work together—despite their unwarranted attraction toward each other Yeah, here would be a good explaining point. Why is their attraction "unwarranted?" Their teens, they're probably good looking since their in a novel, so why wouldn't they be attracted to each other? —to avoid them. If this group catches a Dreamer like Avery they’ll use her power to change the world into a living nightmare.

Narrated alternately by Mason and Avery, DREAM MAKER, a YA speculative fiction novel, is complete at 60,000 words.

I am a member of SCWBI, as well as a staff writer for MIABELLA, a new magazine geared toward young women. Thank you for your time and I look forward to the opportunity to share more of DREAM MAKER with you.

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#4 ErikaB

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Posted 23 November 2012 - 12:28 AM

I really think you have a good making of a query right here. However I agree with the eleven year old part. Let's try to rewrite this.



At the age of eleven, Mason Greer found mysterious boxes full of things he will never forget—body parts of a Dreamer. Who? He’ll never know, but he’ll be damned if it happens again. He throws himself into training to protect those who can bring their dreams to reality.

Ever since seventeen-year old Mason Greer has found body parts of a Dreamer in his basement six years ago, he has trained hard to protect those who has the gift of turning anyone's dream into reality. (When you say their dreams, it doesn't sound so intriguing because if you think about it anyone can turn their dream into reality by working hard at it, he he)
Just write it in your own words, my grammar may be way of.

On his first mission, Mason knows what he has to do: find a Dreamer, save the world, become a hero. Easy, right? (Try to stay away from questions) Sure, it sounds easy, until he meets seventeen-year-old Avery Carmichael, who, according to his records, should be a boy.

Avery makes Mason’s job anything but simple. Haunted by her past, she lives in fear that the people who took her parents will come for her next. So when Mason shows up and tells her she’s not crazy she doesn’t know what to believe. But her inability to control her gift brings the Dream Catchers closer and the duo must learn to work together—despite their unwarranted attraction toward each other—to avoid them. If this group catches a Dreamer like Avery they’ll use her power to change the world into a living nightmare.

Narrated alternately by Mason and Avery, DREAM MAKER, a YA speculative fiction novel, is complete at 60,000 words.

I am a member of SCWBI, as well as a staff writer for MIABELLA, a new magazine geared toward young women. Thank you for your time and I look forward to the opportunity to share more of DREAM MAKER with you




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