Jump to content

Disclaimer



Photo
- - - - -

TITLE (Genre)


  • Please log in to reply
4 replies to this topic

#1 As the Prop Turns

As the Prop Turns

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 51 posts
  • Literary Status:published
  • LocationUS Southwest
  • Publishing Experience:Completed first book,"How to Fail in Business, while trying really hard"

Posted 07 December 2010 - 07:53 PM

From a mahogany paneled office in a climate controlled modern office tower, Andy Killion hangs up his cushy Morgan Stanley stockbroker position to chase his lifelong dream of owning his own business. Not being a normal rational person, Andy’s chosen path is ownership of a small boat yard in Southern California. Join Andy on his journey of personal growth and learn countless insights from a Wall St. trained small business owner struggling to survive in one of the toughest economies in a generation.

Small business is not for the weak hearted. Operating a pair of boatyards on the waterfront requires not only financial capital, but a lot of character when the capital part isn't working out so well.. “How to Fail in Business While Trying Really Hard” is a narrative that highlights the journey more than a punch list to success.

“As a former stockbroker, I have taken pride in my “perceived” understanding of business models. I spent years at a desk reading about companies, managements and economics. Now that I am “in the sea” of commerce directly, the lens through which I see these topics has changed. Let it be known that there are no “rosy” tones in my lens anymore. The acid wash of pure commerce cuts clearly through the hot air, myths and untruths that Wall Street actors are so adept at applying. No longer a theoretical businessman, I am now purely and simply a warrior of commerce.
With that out of my system, here I sit and write whilst compressors, grinders, blowers and workers toil at their tasks. The compressors, god bless them, never complain except for the occasional squealing belt or clack from lack of lubrication. The grinders whir along so long as they have current flowing across their ever-waning brushes. The workers toil so long as they have customers to help and lest not forget the sangria of the entire system, pay, mula daniro.”

Andy Killion has been around boats his entire life. Growing up with a single father, Andy started to work “under” boats as a diver when he was 14 years old. Taking his early diving skills to saturation diving school, he continued his formal training at the California Maritime Academy where he obtained a United States Merchant Marine License as a deck officer. After a year working in Alaskan waters, Andy traded his seagoing career for married life and a desk at Dean Witter. Fast forward 13 years and find Andy yearning for the sea again. On his 38th birthday, he walks out of his office and down to the waterfront to start a new chapter as a boatyard owner. This boat yard is special because it is where he proposed to his wife and it is where they work alongside one another to this day.

Respectfully,

"As the Prop Turns"
Posted Image

#2 mdrosado

mdrosado

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 40 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS Northeast
  • Publishing Experience:Querying at the moment.

Posted 07 December 2010 - 09:14 PM

I'd say the most important thing is what happens when he goes out to the sea.

#3 Pete Morin

Pete Morin

    Nut Cracker

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 2,469 posts
  • Literary Status:agented
  • LocationUS Northeast
  • Publishing Experience:Some shorts published in obscure anthologies.
    Diary of a Small Fish, a first little piggy heading to market.

Posted 07 December 2010 - 09:16 PM

Please READ THIS and all the links to it, then maybe peruse THESE ARTICLES and then revise and repost, following the QUERY POSTING RULES for revisions.

Thank you!Posted Image
Pete

Posted Image

Read Diary of a Small Fish
Read Uneasy Living

Blog - Pete Morin
Join me on Facebook

#4 Jaclyn

Jaclyn

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 25 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, unagented
  • LocationUS Midwest

Posted 08 December 2010 - 12:12 AM

Please don’t be upset, but I am going to cut cut cut and rearrange to give you an idea of you’re your query should look more like… First off, try to cut it down to three or four paragraphs… make the one about YOU short but to the point. Don’t use fluff or too much intricate description (save that for the book) Give the reader (hopeful representative) a taste of what you have that makes them want to tare the book from your hands and read it through, but only a taste. No need for small details… just the main details. A few REALLY good places with REALLY good information are below
http://tawnafenske.b...d-my-agent.html
http://agentquery.com/writer_hq.aspx
http://www.literarya...thorzone/login/

The best advice I read from other sites, and the wonderful people from this forum was to cut, cut then cut some more but always save your rough draft to be able to pull from it if you cut too much. Pretty soon you will have a polished query ready to go… the people on here are very helpful too =-) Some suggestions below…
……………………………………

Dear (agent);

(create an image to work with for the reader to base from without too much detail.. save details for the book itself) From a high end office, in an elegant tower, Andy Killion stands looking out his window. After years of training on Wall Street, and finally working himself into a cushy stockbroker position, he has decided to go after his lifelong dream of owning his own business; this dream just happens to be a small boat yard in Southern California (quick insight to why the boatyard (Spark interest)).

During one of the toughest economies of a generation, Andy’s adventure begins! Join him on this journey of personal growth and a struggle to survive as he learns countless insights and valuable lessons, one of them being that small business ownership is not for the weak hearted. “How to Fail in Business While Trying Really Hard” is a narrative that highlights the journey, more than a punch list, to success!

(Cut down your Bio to what the agent really wants to know… what makes you credible, no fluffy pretty words… be very professional here) “As a former stockbroker, I have taken pride in my “perceived”- (don’t talk yourself down) understanding of business models. I spent years at a desk reading about economics issues, and about different companies that failed or succeeded in connection with how they were managed. Now that I am a small business owner, my viewpoint has changed. The acid wash of pure commerce cuts clearly through the hot air, myths and untruths that Wall Street actors are so adept at applying. No longer a theoretical businessman, I am now purely and simply a warrior of commerce.


This should be part of your synopsis, not your query, unless it is asked for…
Andy Killion has been around boats his entire life. Growing up with a single father, Andy started to work “under” boats as a diver when he was 14 years old. Taking his early diving skills to saturation diving school, he continued his formal training at the California Maritime Academy where he obtained a United States Merchant Marine License as a deck officer. After a year working in Alaskan waters, Andy traded his seagoing career for married life and a desk at Dean Witter. Fast forward 13 years and find Andy yearning for the sea again. On his 38th birthday, he walks out of his office and down to the waterfront to start a new chapter as a boatyard owner. This boat yard is special because it is where he proposed to his wife and it is where they work alongside one another to this day.
……………………………………………
Below is, although still a bit rough, a condensed version of your first query.. Could still be cut in the bio area…
…………………………………………..

Dear (agent);

From a high end office, in an elegant tower, Andy Killion stands looking out his window. After years of training on Wall Street, and finally working himself into a cushy stockbroker position, he has decided to go after his lifelong dream of owning his own business; this dream just happens to be a small boat yard in Southern California (quick insight to why? (Spark interest)).

During one of the toughest economies of a generation, Andy’s adventure begins! Join him on this journey of personal growth and valiant struggle to survive as he learns countless insights and valuable lessons, one of them being that small business ownership is not for the weak hearted! In an original twist, “How to Fail in Business While Trying Really Hard” is a narrative that highlights the journey, more than a punch list, to success!

“(Add a short sample from your book so the agent gets a feel for how you write)”

As a former stockbroker, I have taken pride in my understanding of business models. I spent years at a desk reading about economics issues, and watched through my high tower as many companies failed or succeeded in connections I made with how they were managed. Now that I am a small business owner I have gained even more insight, this time from the ground up. No longer a theoretical businessman, I am now purely and simply a warrior of commerce. (Add a little research you have done about the market for this book… why people would want to read it, and why it is unique… Make it about 3 – 4 sentences).

(Wrap it up) Thank the agent for taking time to read you query, make sure you tell them what you will have for them upon request, etc… make it short and sweet. Also make sure at the bottom of your query they have a way to contact you.


From a mahogany paneled office in a climate controlled modern office tower, Andy Killion hangs up his cushy Morgan Stanley stockbroker position to chase his lifelong dream of owning his own business. Not being a normal rational person, Andy’s chosen path is ownership of a small boat yard in Southern California. Join Andy on his journey of personal growth and learn countless insights from a Wall St. trained small business owner struggling to survive in one of the toughest economies in a generation.

Small business is not for the weak hearted. Operating a pair of boatyards on the waterfront requires not only financial capital, but a lot of character when the capital part isn't working out so well.. “How to Fail in Business While Trying Really Hard” is a narrative that highlights the journey more than a punch list to success.

“As a former stockbroker, I have taken pride in my “perceived” understanding of business models. I spent years at a desk reading about companies, managements and economics. Now that I am “in the sea” of commerce directly, the lens through which I see these topics has changed. Let it be known that there are no “rosy” tones in my lens anymore. The acid wash of pure commerce cuts clearly through the hot air, myths and untruths that Wall Street actors are so adept at applying. No longer a theoretical businessman, I am now purely and simply a warrior of commerce.
With that out of my system, here I sit and write whilst compressors, grinders, blowers and workers toil at their tasks. The compressors, god bless them, never complain except for the occasional squealing belt or clack from lack of lubrication. The grinders whir along so long as they have current flowing across their ever-waning brushes. The workers toil so long as they have customers to help and lest not forget the sangria of the entire system, pay, mula daniro.”

Andy Killion has been around boats his entire life. Growing up with a single father, Andy started to work “under” boats as a diver when he was 14 years old. Taking his early diving skills to saturation diving school, he continued his formal training at the California Maritime Academy where he obtained a United States Merchant Marine License as a deck officer. After a year working in Alaskan waters, Andy traded his seagoing career for married life and a desk at Dean Witter. Fast forward 13 years and find Andy yearning for the sea again. On his 38th birthday, he walks out of his office and down to the waterfront to start a new chapter as a boatyard owner. This boat yard is special because it is where he proposed to his wife and it is where they work alongside one another to this day.

Respectfully,

"As the Prop Turns"


............................
The only one who holds you back is YOU!

#5 As the Prop Turns

As the Prop Turns

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 51 posts
  • Literary Status:published
  • LocationUS Southwest
  • Publishing Experience:Completed first book,"How to Fail in Business, while trying really hard"

Posted 08 December 2010 - 09:10 AM

Please don’t be upset, but I am going to cut cut cut and rearrange to give you an idea of you’re your query should look more like… First off, try to cut it down to three or four paragraphs… make the one about YOU short but to the point. Don’t use fluff or too much intricate description (save that for the book) Give the reader (hopeful representative) a taste of what you have that makes them want to tare the book from your hands and read it through, but only a taste. No need for small details… just the main details. A few REALLY good places with REALLY good information are below
http://tawnafenske.b...d-my-agent.html
http://agentquery.com/writer_hq.aspx
http://www.literarya...thorzone/login/

The best advice I read from other sites, and the wonderful people from this forum was to cut, cut then cut some more but always save your rough draft to be able to pull from it if you cut too much. Pretty soon you will have a polished query ready to go… the people on here are very helpful too =-) Some suggestions below…
……………………………………

Dear (agent);

(create an image to work with for the reader to base from without too much detail.. save details for the book itself) From a high end office, in an elegant tower, Andy Killion stands looking out his window. After years of training on Wall Street, and finally working himself into a cushy stockbroker position, he has decided to go after his lifelong dream of owning his own business; this dream just happens to be a small boat yard in Southern California (quick insight to why the boatyard (Spark interest)).

During one of the toughest economies of a generation, Andy’s adventure begins! Join him on this journey of personal growth and a struggle to survive as he learns countless insights and valuable lessons, one of them being that small business ownership is not for the weak hearted. “How to Fail in Business While Trying Really Hard” is a narrative that highlights the journey, more than a punch list, to success!

(Cut down your Bio to what the agent really wants to know… what makes you credible, no fluffy pretty words… be very professional here) “As a former stockbroker, I have taken pride in my “perceived”- (don’t talk yourself down) understanding of business models. I spent years at a desk reading about economics issues, and about different companies that failed or succeeded in connection with how they were managed. Now that I am a small business owner, my viewpoint has changed. The acid wash of pure commerce cuts clearly through the hot air, myths and untruths that Wall Street actors are so adept at applying. No longer a theoretical businessman, I am now purely and simply a warrior of commerce.


This should be part of your synopsis, not your query, unless it is asked for…
Andy Killion has been around boats his entire life. Growing up with a single father, Andy started to work “under” boats as a diver when he was 14 years old. Taking his early diving skills to saturation diving school, he continued his formal training at the California Maritime Academy where he obtained a United States Merchant Marine License as a deck officer. After a year working in Alaskan waters, Andy traded his seagoing career for married life and a desk at Dean Witter. Fast forward 13 years and find Andy yearning for the sea again. On his 38th birthday, he walks out of his office and down to the waterfront to start a new chapter as a boatyard owner. This boat yard is special because it is where he proposed to his wife and it is where they work alongside one another to this day.
……………………………………………
Below is, although still a bit rough, a condensed version of your first query.. Could still be cut in the bio area…
…………………………………………..

Dear (agent);

From a high end office, in an elegant tower, Andy Killion stands looking out his window. After years of training on Wall Street, and finally working himself into a cushy stockbroker position, he has decided to go after his lifelong dream of owning his own business; this dream just happens to be a small boat yard in Southern California (quick insight to why? (Spark interest)).

During one of the toughest economies of a generation, Andy’s adventure begins! Join him on this journey of personal growth and valiant struggle to survive as he learns countless insights and valuable lessons, one of them being that small business ownership is not for the weak hearted! In an original twist, “How to Fail in Business While Trying Really Hard” is a narrative that highlights the journey, more than a punch list, to success!

“(Add a short sample from your book so the agent gets a feel for how you write)”

As a former stockbroker, I have taken pride in my understanding of business models. I spent years at a desk reading about economics issues, and watched through my high tower as many companies failed or succeeded in connections I made with how they were managed. Now that I am a small business owner I have gained even more insight, this time from the ground up. No longer a theoretical businessman, I am now purely and simply a warrior of commerce. (Add a little research you have done about the market for this book… why people would want to read it, and why it is unique… Make it about 3 – 4 sentences).

(Wrap it up) Thank the agent for taking time to read you query, make sure you tell them what you will have for them upon request, etc… make it short and sweet. Also make sure at the bottom of your query they have a way to contact you.


Thank you. I will review, rewrite . I appreciate the input.




0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users