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THE KOBOLD OF TWELVE POPLARS (MG Fantasy)


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#21 Calcifer

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Posted 06 March 2013 - 11:14 AM

I think there's confusion about which version is which. I deleted the older one - hope this will make things les confusing. Monstress and Steve, your inputs are still extremely helpful. Thanks guys!


THE KOBOLD OF TWELVE POPLARS Query: http://agentquerycon...-grade-fantasy/

 

THE CONSPIRATOR'S CLUB Query: http://agentquerycon...998-the-league/

 

 


#22 Calcifer

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Posted 09 March 2013 - 01:08 PM

Hi, posted a new version of the query today, would love some feedback.  


THE KOBOLD OF TWELVE POPLARS Query: http://agentquerycon...-grade-fantasy/

 

THE CONSPIRATOR'S CLUB Query: http://agentquerycon...998-the-league/

 

 


#23 Always hopeful

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Posted 17 March 2013 - 01:12 PM

In your opening, is the star posing any problems for her? Special powers, an annoying itch or anything? If so it would be good to add that in to tie in her search for the trapeez artist :)

 

Really well written, agree with leaving the word count until the end, sucker them in with the story and then drop the number bomb on them.

 

Good luck!

 

 



#24 Calcifer

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Posted 19 March 2013 - 10:52 AM

Thanks hopeful! That's a really good point! I wrote this version for WriteOnCon Pitch Fest, so I was constrained by the 200 word limit. For my regular query, I think I'll expand to include some details, like about the star's powers.


THE KOBOLD OF TWELVE POPLARS Query: http://agentquerycon...-grade-fantasy/

 

THE CONSPIRATOR'S CLUB Query: http://agentquerycon...998-the-league/

 

 


#25 NessBlackbird

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Posted 19 March 2013 - 11:38 AM

Dear Ms.,

 

Sometimes you have to stand up to a bully, whether that bully is a friend, an aunt, or a powerful Nature Goddess If it's "a" nature goddess, it's not capitalized.  If it's "The" Nature Goddess, capitalize. This is what the 12 year old hyphenate: twelve-year-old Maia Quinn must learn when she is sent away from home to live with her cruel Aunt Augusta.  You're not quite connecting, here...where are the friend and the goddess?  My feeling is, you can only use a list format like that (aunt, friend, goddess) if you're following up with a list -- or just let the first sentence stand on its own.

 

My 75,000 word middle grade story begins with Maia’s arrival in Grunewald village in the middle of nowhere is an unwelcome change from her former life in a bustling port city. But Maia discovers that things are not as quiet as they seem when she attends a Start of the Summer Party Wait: a quiet village in the country has a party with trapeze artists?  and a mysterious flying trapeze artist asks her to “take a flight with him”. While swinging with him high up in the air, Maia faints and wakes up with a glowing star in her forehead, while the trapeze artist vanishes without a trace.  OK.  It's odd.  I like a weird imagination.

 

This casts Maia into a strange Word choice here?  How about something more poetic than "strange"? world of warring Nature Spirits, where she is stalked by a giant green hound and immortal beings from the Faie Realm turn to her for help. The star given to her by the trapeze artist is the mark of her power to save Power to save?  What KIND of power?  Enquiring minds want to know!  This is fantasy, show off your imagination :) not just the immortals, but also her own world. That is, if she can survive the quest.  Again: details!  Anything!

 

A MARK OF ADVENTURE will appeal to readers of Diana Wynne Jones’s Howl’s Moving Castle and Patricia McPhillip’s The Changeling Sea. I’m contacting you because I’ve read on your website that you are seeking middle-grade fantasy fiction. Please read the enclosed first ten pages of my novel.  I'm afraid you just don't get to say that!  You provide the number of pages they ask for, no more, no less.  I will gladly send you the remainder at your request. Thanks for your consideration. I look forward to hearing from you at your earliest You are the supplicant in this relationship.  You wait for them.  These people read a hundred queries a day.  Any old time of theirs will do for you!  If you can't stand to kiss ass, you may have to self-publish.  I wear knee-pads, I'm not as young as I was ;)  convenience.  

 

Kind Regards,

Good luck with your project :)  It sounds interesting, and yes, a bit like Diana Wynne Jones!



#26 Calcifer

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Posted 19 March 2013 - 01:11 PM

Thanks, guys!


THE KOBOLD OF TWELVE POPLARS Query: http://agentquerycon...-grade-fantasy/

 

THE CONSPIRATOR'S CLUB Query: http://agentquerycon...998-the-league/

 

 


#27 Calcifer

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Posted 13 April 2013 - 01:40 PM

I've changed my query almost completely, and would really appreciate some comments on the new one!


THE KOBOLD OF TWELVE POPLARS Query: http://agentquerycon...-grade-fantasy/

 

THE CONSPIRATOR'S CLUB Query: http://agentquerycon...998-the-league/

 

 


#28 Calcifer

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Posted 16 April 2013 - 11:33 AM

I noticed a lot of people checked out my revised query, but nobody has commented on it yet. I hope this doesn't mean people hate the new version.


THE KOBOLD OF TWELVE POPLARS Query: http://agentquerycon...-grade-fantasy/

 

THE CONSPIRATOR'S CLUB Query: http://agentquerycon...998-the-league/

 

 


#29 JessTheDreamer

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Posted 16 April 2013 - 01:10 PM

Hey, Calcifer! 

 

Instead of deleting your old revision to post the new revision in its place, leave the old one where it is and just post a reply as your new revision. So like, instead of posting the comment you have above mine, you would've posted your new revision there, get feedback, and then post another reply after those feedback replies of your newest revision, and so on. Get it? It's what most people on here do and it works! 

 

That being said, I'll have a look at your newest revision (I hope it's your newest...) 

 

 

When twelve-year-old Maia arrives to stay at her aunt’s mansion, she thinks that the eerie feeling of being watched is just her imagination. Her biggest challenge that summer will be winning the admiration of her aunt’s handsome ward Colin, who likes fearless girls, like their neighbor Kate. These two sentences don't seem to connect. To start off your query, you need a hook: that sentence that sums up the novel and grabs attention. Is getting Colin to like Maia the conflict that arises? Is that the basis of the entire novel? If not, then why is it here? Honestly, it sounds kind of secondary. I instantly got the feeling that this novel is about supernatural/paranormal activity...so why not just leave it there (as I have, crossing the rest out)?

 

To prove that she is brave, Maia hides her fear of heights and agrees to go up on a trapeze with a mysterious trapeze artist at the town’s annual Summer Party. She faints and wakes up with a glowing star in her forehead. But embarrassment in front of Colin is nothing, compared to her sudden nightmares, or being stalked by a green Fairy hound, whose blood-freezing howls and glowing eyes would terrify even Kate. This paragraph sounds a little like a synopsis. Try making it terser, introducing Colin here, and bringing up the glowing star on her forehead as a sudden mark she finds after a stunt to impress the boy. Also, is Kate even necessary? She seems like a mere tag-along here and I think--if it's absolutely necessary--you should bring her up in your synopsis instead.

 

Realizing that her life is in danger, Maia begins to search for answers, finding surprising and allies in Kate and a lonely boy, Patrick, whom she once helped. Ehh...

 

They learn that Maia’s star is a mark of a Wanderer, a person born with the ability to cross into Faie. Someone has destroyed Faie’s Great Oak, whose power has kept its spirits under control. Now the Raven Goddess of Maia’s nightmares is on the loose, threatening to bring about everlasting winter to Maia’s world. As a Wanderer, Maia has to find the last surviving Seed of the Oak and plant it, before the Goddess’s power grows too strong. But to do this, she will have to face her greatest fear, and risk losing everything, including her life. Info dump! And after that slow lead that is everything before this paragraph? Yeah..doesn't work. 

 

 

I'd assume you're getting closer in terms of format etc., but you need to order the events a little better, leaving out secondary information. Prioritize! Check this out: http://www.bookediti...r-query-letter/ It may help a little bit!  :happy: 

 

-Jess


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It would mean A LOT if you could check these out:

 
Queries:
Thralldom-->>-->>-->>--http://agentquerycon...528#entry132528
Duplicate: Undead-->>--http://agentquerycon...-urban-fantasy/
 
Synopsis:
Thralldom-->>-->>-->>--http://agentquerycon...a-dark-fantasy/

Write on. ツ


#30 Calcifer

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Posted 16 April 2013 - 04:09 PM

I took the previous advice into account. Here's my new revision, number... oh, I don't know, I'm starting to lose count :)

 

 

 

An encounter with a mysterious trapeze artist at a town party leaves 12-year-old Maia Quinn with the ability to enter Faie, and information that has her racing against time to save her world from everlasting winter.

 

While staying at her aunt’s mansion in the remote town of Grunewald, Maia is invited to the town’s annual Summer Party, where a trapeze artist offers her a ride on a trapeze. She faints and wakes up with a glowing star in her forehead. Soon, she is haunted by dreams that warn her about danger to Grunewald, and by a green Fairy hound, whose blood-freezing howls terrify even Maia’s fearless friend, Kate.

 

Thinking that the hound is the danger, the friends set out to find and kill the monster. Instead, they stumble on a doorway into Faie, where they learn that Maia’s star is a mark of a Faie Wanderer. Someone has destroyed Faie’s Great Oak, the source of its power, and now the Raven Goddess is on the loose, threatening to bring about everlasting winter. Maia has until Midsummer to find the last Seed of the Oak, hidden inside her aunt’s mansion, and to plant it in Faie, under the very nose of the Goddess.

 

Maia must choose: risk her life by going up against the Goddess, or step aside and watch her world turn into an wintry desert.


THE KOBOLD OF TWELVE POPLARS Query: http://agentquerycon...-grade-fantasy/

 

THE CONSPIRATOR'S CLUB Query: http://agentquerycon...998-the-league/

 

 


#31 Calcifer

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Posted 17 April 2013 - 05:59 PM

This is my newest revision.

 

 

An encounter with a mysterious trapeze artist at a town celebration leaves twelve-year-old Maia Quinn with the ability to enter Faie, and information that has her racing against time to save her world.

 

While staying at her aunt’s mansion in the remote town of Grunewald, Maia is invited to the town’s annual Summer Party, where a trapeze artist offers her a ride on a trapeze. She faints and wakes up with a glowing star in her forehead. Soon, she is haunted by dreams that warn her about danger to Grunewald, and by a green Fairy hound, whose blood-freezing howls terrify even Maia’s fearless friend, Kate.

 

Thinking that the hound is the danger, the friends “borrow” Kate’s dad’s hunting rifle (no, they haven’t actually used one before, but, really, how hard can it be?), and set out to find and kill the monster. Instead, they stumble on a doorway into Faie, where they learn that Maia’s star is a mark of a Faie Wanderer. Someone has destroyed Faie’s Great Oak, the source of its power, and now the Raven Goddess is on the loose, threatening to bring about everlasting winter. Maia has until Midsummer to find the last Seed of the Oak, hidden inside her aunt’s mansion, and to plant it in Faie, under the very nose of the Goddess.

 

Maia must choose: risk her life by going up against the Goddess, or step aside and watch her world turn into an icy desert.


THE KOBOLD OF TWELVE POPLARS Query: http://agentquerycon...-grade-fantasy/

 

THE CONSPIRATOR'S CLUB Query: http://agentquerycon...998-the-league/

 

 


#32 elphabasister

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Posted 17 April 2013 - 06:30 PM

This is my newest revision.

 

 

An encounter with a mysterious trapeze artist at a town celebration leaves twelve-year-old Maia Quinn with the ability to enter Faie (what is that?) , and information that has her racing against time to save her world. (I think you need to work on the hook. It starts off intriguing but then i'm confused by the end) 

 

While staying at her aunt’s mansion in the remote town of Grunewald, Maia is invited to the town’s annual Summer Party, where a trapeze artist offers her a ride on a trapeze. She faints and wakes up with a glowing star in her forehead (What? is it embedded into the skin? I would be looking for a doctor) . Soon, she is haunted by dreams that warn her about danger to Grunewald, and by a green Fairy hound, whose blood-freezing howls terrify even Maia’s fearless friend, Kate. (Wait so it the hound part of her dream? or can others see him?) 

 

Thinking that the hound is the danger, the friends “borrow” Kate’s dad’s hunting rifle (no, they haven’t actually used one before, but, really, how hard can it be?), and set out to find and kill the monster. Instead, they stumble on a doorway into Faie, where they learn that Maia’s star is a mark of a Faie Wanderer. Someone has destroyed Faie’s Great Oak, the source of its power, and now the Raven Goddess is on the loose, threatening to bring about everlasting winter. Maia has until Midsummer to find the last Seed of the Oak, hidden inside her aunt’s mansion, and to plant it in Faie, under the very nose of the Goddess. (Too much info/terms. what is a Faie wanderer? What is a raven goddess? why does Maia have to plant the oak seed? You need to explain these things. give Maia a motivation for helping plant the seed.)

 

Maia must choose: risk her life by going up against the Goddess, or step aside and watch her world turn into an icy desert.

 

This has potential but it needs work. I think you need to work on the hook and ending for this. Make it more engaging at the beginning and more dramatic towards the end. Have a sort of build up. Also right now i'm not getting any reason for Maia helping the Faie, so include that at the end. Hope that helps and i would love it if you took at look at my query Crooked Things. :)



#33 Calcifer

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Posted 17 April 2013 - 07:46 PM

Thanks, elphab. Faie and Fairy are used interchangeably, I thought everyone knew that. But anyway, that's what it is.  I looked for your query, but couldn't find it here in the forum - need a link.


THE KOBOLD OF TWELVE POPLARS Query: http://agentquerycon...-grade-fantasy/

 

THE CONSPIRATOR'S CLUB Query: http://agentquerycon...998-the-league/

 

 


#34 elphabasister

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Posted 18 April 2013 - 01:16 AM

http://agentquerycon...-fantasy/page-2



#35 Calcifer

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Posted 18 April 2013 - 12:29 PM

Got it :)


THE KOBOLD OF TWELVE POPLARS Query: http://agentquerycon...-grade-fantasy/

 

THE CONSPIRATOR'S CLUB Query: http://agentquerycon...998-the-league/

 

 


#36 JessTheDreamer

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Posted 18 April 2013 - 03:34 PM

This is my newest revision.

 

 

An encounter with a mysterious trapeze artist at a town celebration leaves twelve-year-old Maia Quinn with the ability to enter Faie, <-- You're saying this means fairy? It still doesn't make sense. How can you enter fairy...? Is it a world? Does she turn into a fairy? You might need to be more specific. and information that has her racing against time to save her world.

 

While staying at her aunt’s mansion in the remote town of Grunewald, Maia is invited to the town’s annual Summer Party, where a trapeze artist offers her a ride on a trapeze. She faints <-- Randomly? Or does she fall and bump her head? and wakes up with a glowing star in her forehead. <-- How does she feel about this? I'd be kind of terrified...maybe feeling like it could be a hallucination or something. Remember, something like that isn't normal, so, even though she's so young, give her a solid reaction. Soon, She is haunted by starts having weird dreams that warn her about danger to Grunewald is in danger, and by she starts noticing a green Fairy hound, whose blood-freezing howls terrify even Maia’s fearless friend, Kate. is stalking her. 

 

Thinking that the hound is the danger, the friends “borrow” Kate’s dad’s hunting rifle (no, they haven’t actually used one before, but, really, how hard can it be?), and set out to find and kill the monster. <-- What monster? You never mentioned this before. Instead, they stumble on a doorway into Faie, <-- ?? where they learn that Maia’s star is a mark of a Faie Wanderer. <-- Give a brief description of what this is. Someone has destroyed Faie’s Great Oak, the source of its power, and now the Raven Goddess <-- Give a brief description of who/what this is. is on the loose, threatening to bring about everlasting winter. Maia has until Midsummer to find the last Seed of the Oak, hidden inside her aunt’s mansion, and to plant it in Faie, under the very nose of the Goddess.

 

Maia must choose: risk her life by going up against the Goddess, or step aside and watch her world turn into an icy desert. <-- This is redundant. I already got that impression and then you randomly repeated it here. The way it ends in the above paragraph is better. 

 

We don't know your story like you do. So you can't just drop names and terms and expect us to know what it means, nor drop them and expect us to breeze by it and want to read the manuscript to find out what they are. That's not really how it works. Tease us but let us know what we're getting ourselves into first.

 

You're on your way.

 

-Jess


flamingtext_com_1374269667_719762476.gifflamingtext_com_1374269730_719762477.gifflamingtext_com_1374269782_719762479.gifflamingtext_com_1374269935_719762480.gifflamingtext_com_1374269975_719762481.gifflamingtext_com_1374270010_719762482.gifflamingtext_com_1374270042_719762483.gifflamingtext_com_1374270128_719762485.gifflamingtext_com_1374270214_719762488.gif

 

It would mean A LOT if you could check these out:

 
Queries:
Thralldom-->>-->>-->>--http://agentquerycon...528#entry132528
Duplicate: Undead-->>--http://agentquerycon...-urban-fantasy/
 
Synopsis:
Thralldom-->>-->>-->>--http://agentquerycon...a-dark-fantasy/

Write on. ツ


#37 Calcifer

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Posted 19 April 2013 - 11:06 AM

Thanks, Jess!


THE KOBOLD OF TWELVE POPLARS Query: http://agentquerycon...-grade-fantasy/

 

THE CONSPIRATOR'S CLUB Query: http://agentquerycon...998-the-league/

 

 


#38 LittleJoni

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Posted 19 April 2013 - 04:14 PM

An encounter with a mysterious trapeze artist at a town celebration leaves twelve-year-old Maia Quinn with the ability to enter Faie, and information that has her racing against time to save her world.  I'm not sure about this hook, it's basically a condensed version of what you tell us below, I liked previous versions of your hook better

 

While staying at her aunt’s mansion in the remote town of Grunewald, Maia is invited to the town’s annual Summer Party, where a trapeze artist offers her a ride on a trapeze I think if you say trapeze artist then we know the ride being offered is on a trapeze, and you won't have to say trapeze twice in one sentence...if that makes sense. She faints and wakes up with a glowing star in her forehead.  I feel like more should be said about this...  Soon, she is haunted by dreams that warn her about danger to Grunewald, and by a green Fairy hound, whose blood-freezing howls terrify even Maia’s fearless friend, Kate.

 

Thinking that the hound is the danger, the friends “borrow” Kate’s dad’s hunting rifle (no, they haven’t actually used one before, but, really, how hard can it be?) <--*snicker* I like this part, because I sense it hints to something going very wrong with the gun later on, I hope that is what you're hinting at, and set out to find and kill the monster. Instead, they stumble on a doorway into Faie, where they learn that Maia’s star is a mark of a Faie Wanderer. Someone has destroyed Faie’s Great Oak, the source of its power, and now the Raven Goddess is on the loose, threatening to bring about everlasting winter. Maia has until Midsummer to find the last Seed of the Oak, hidden inside her aunt’s mansion, and to plant it in Faie, under the very nose of the Goddess.  There is a lot of information in this paragraph, it's hard to keep it all straight.  Break it up or simplify?

 

Maia must choose: risk her life by going up against the Goddess, or step aside and watch her world turn into an icy desert.

I like the concept of this book, which is why I wanted to review your query...even though I'm still learning about this stuff myself.  You get my attention with the bit about the trapeze artist and the star, but I miss the bits about Colin in your earlier versions.  Trying to impress a boy is relatable, cute, and explains Maia's motivations, especially at the beginning.  Plus the bit about her embarrassment for fainting in front of Colin, I liked that, and it's funny.  You have a lot of good bits to work with between all the versions of your query you've written so far.  Keep it up, I like this story, it sounds like something I would enjoy reading. :)


Newest Query:

TIME GUARDIAN

 

Older Queries:

THE BELIEVER

THE MYSTIC ROAD


#39 Calcifer

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Posted 21 April 2013 - 12:16 PM

Joni, thank you for your encouraging comments. I'll be thinking about them for my next draft.  


THE KOBOLD OF TWELVE POPLARS Query: http://agentquerycon...-grade-fantasy/

 

THE CONSPIRATOR'S CLUB Query: http://agentquerycon...998-the-league/

 

 


#40 Calcifer

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Posted 02 May 2013 - 12:11 PM

Here goes, after days of agonizing, my latest version of the query:

 

 

Dear Agent,

 

Twelve-year-old Maia Quinn never imagined that a simple visit to the family’s hometown could turn into a race to stop unending winter – until she learns that she is part Faie.

 

While staying with her aunt at her family’s mansion in Grunewald, Maia meets a mysterious trapeze artist at the town’s annual May Day party. During the strange encounter, Maia falls off a trapeze, faints, and wakes up with a glowing star in her forehead. As if this alone was not reason enough for worry, she also starts having dreams that warn her Grunewald is in danger. Worse still, she is being stalked by a giant green Fairy hound that terrifies even her fearless friend, Kate.

 

Deciding not to let the hound frighten them, Maia and Kate “borrow” a hunting gun from Kate’s dad and set out to find and kill it. Instead, the hound leads them into Faie, where Maia learns that she is a descendant of that realm.

 

Faie is in trouble: someone has awoken the Goddess of Winter, and she is gathering her strength to end summer forever. Being a child of two worlds, Maia is the only one who can stop the Goddess, and the key to this is hidden inside Maia’s family mansion. Since the realms of people and Faie are interconnected, saving Faie equals saving Maia’s own world. But she has until the end of Midsummer night to act, or else her world will turn to an icy desert.


THE KOBOLD OF TWELVE POPLARS Query: http://agentquerycon...-grade-fantasy/

 

THE CONSPIRATOR'S CLUB Query: http://agentquerycon...998-the-league/

 

 





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