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Query Within Dark Waters


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#101 starwriter

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Posted 07 September 2016 - 11:42 AM

Newest Version:

 

I like this one!!!

 

Dear Mrs. Moran:

 

I’m seeking representation for my 70,000-word novel, THE ELDRITCH GHOST.  Rosemary Bell is a clairvoyant Witch, a gifted artist. All she wants to do is to isolate herself and grieve in private. Jonathan Fraser is an eldritch cursed ghost who has suffered in a melancholy existence for 60 years. When he meets Rosemary, the chance of freedom from his prison of torment is irresistible.

 

Jonathan haunts Rosemary for her help to find his wife and solve his murder. Rosemary’s suspicions about the truth of Jonathan’s tragic murder meet dangerous resistance from the townspeople. She struggles to stop the killer in time before she becomes the next victim.

 

My regional novel is based on an historical event that occurred in Pleasant Bay, Cape Breton in 1947. My writing is published in the short fiction anthology Nosetouch Press - Wax and Wane: A Gathering of Witchy Tales, Circle Magazine, Essential Herbal magazine, Canadian Stories, and Eternal Haunted Summer Ezine. I’m a member of the Writers Federation of Nova Scotia and the Horror Writers Association. Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

 

 

Sincerely,

 

 

Heddy Johannesen

(902) 404-7989

Email: heddyjohannesen@gmail.com

https://ladyspiderwitch.wordpress.com/



#102 Ms-Q

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Posted 07 September 2016 - 12:11 PM

I like earlier versions better. What is missing now her personal struggle. How her identity ties into the conflict.

Here's how I break this down:

Who is the MC? A grieving widow.

Inciting incident: moves to a seaside town

What does she want: to grieve her husband in peace.

What is stopping her: a ghost invades her dreams.

What must she do to get what she wants: help the ghost solve the murder in order to come to terms with her husband's death. <---- THIS IS IMPORTANT. This is the heart of the story. This is your character's arc.

What will happen if she fails: the person responsible for the ghost's death will kill again. <--- and this is why we care if she fails.

Is that right?

So: A grieving widow, Rosemary Bell, moves to the seaside town of [x] to grieve her husband in peace. She does not find it. A seaweed-covered ghost, Johnathan, invades her dreams, begging her to help him find his killer so he can finally rest. In order to come to terms with her husband's death, Rosemary must solve Johnathan's murder before his killer kills again.

Not perfect, I'm sure, but it has the elements you need.

#103 starwriter

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Posted 07 September 2016 - 12:14 PM

wow you're good at this!

Thank you.



#104 starwriter

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Posted 19 May 2017 - 08:52 AM

Here is my latest draft for a query:

 

May 2017

 

Karen Dales, Managing Editor

Dark Dragon Publishing

Canada

 

 

Dear Mrs. Dales:

 

 

HAUNTED is a supernatural novel set in a seaside town. HAUNTED features a clairvoyant widow, Rosemary Bell who wants to grieve her husband alone. A cursed seaweed ridden ghost, Jonathan, begs her to find his killer so he can rest in peace.

 

Rosemary is grieving, which she pushes aside to help him. Rosemary discovers Jonathan was murdered via her dreams and her psychic abilities. Her friendships with her neighbors become strained the closer she comes to the truth.

 

The climax of the novel involves all of the elements of horror, sacrifice and suspense.

It culminates in a frightening confrontation between Rosemary, Jonathan and Duncan who is the killer. She is forced into an impossible situation- send Jonathan’s soul to eternal light or die at the hands of Duncan. In order for her to come to terms with her husband’s death, Rosemary must solve Jonathan’s murder before his killer strikes again.

 

 My writing is published in Nosetouch Press - Wax and Wane: A Gathering of Witchy Tales, The Dark Ones: Tales and Poems of the Shadow Gods, Circle Magazine, Witches & Pagans magazine and Eternal Haunted Summer Ezine. I’m a member of the Writers Federation of Nova Scotia and the Horror Writers Association. The novel is about 70,000 words. I have also enclosed the first five pages.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

 

 

Sincerely,

 

Heddy Johannesen



#105 JeffJustWrites

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Posted 19 May 2017 - 10:58 AM

NEVER tell. ALWAYS show. A query letter is a pitch, it sells your story to the agent. This query feels like its you just talking about the book, and I HATE to use this word, but it's rather dull. Explanatory phrases like "the climax of the novel," or "it culminates in" are dreadfully red flags for an agent I haven't read earlier versions, but what I'd suggest you do is bring the voice of your story into the query. Write a back cover blurb for the book as if it already has a deal, using the elements described above (MC, catalysing event, goal, obstacle, etc.); the query should be as much a writing sample as the sample pages themselves.

Hope this helped a bit :)

JJW

#106 Olive K. Aristen

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Posted 19 May 2017 - 03:48 PM

Here is my latest draft for a query:

 

May 2017

 

Karen Dales, Managing Editor

Dark Dragon Publishing

Canada

 

 

Dear Mrs. Dales:

 

 

HAUNTED is a supernatural novel set in a seaside town. HAUNTED features a clairvoyant widow, Rosemary Bell who wants to grieve her husband alone. A cursed seaweed ridden ghost, Jonathan, begs her to find his killer so he can rest in peace. I think some of your earlier versions were better. I remember this one:

 

When Rosemary Bell isolates herself in an old Victorian home in Pleasant Bay, she hopes to find peace after the death of her husband. Instead, closing doors, scent of seaweed, and dreams of a drowning man haunt her. 

 

I wonder if you could do something like, "After the death of her husband, Rosemary Bell isolates herself in an old Victorian home wanting nothing more than to find peace (or something about the circumstance that's unique to her situation).

 

Instead, closing doors, scent of seaweed, and dreams of a drowning man haunt her.

 

But after moving settling into her new home in Pleasant Bay, [province?], the odd scent of sea weed fills her nose in the (kitchen?) and doors slam in her face. And the ghost of a man named Jonathan Fraser materializes, begging her to help solve his murder. I don't know if this is accurate, but you could use something like this.

 

Rosemary is grieving, which she pushes aside to help him. Rosemary discovers Jonathan was murdered via her dreams and her psychic abilities. This reads a bit like a list. Rosemary this, Rosemary that. Does that make sense? Her friendships with her neighbors become strained the closer she comes to the truth.

 

The climax of the novel involves all of the elements of horror, sacrifice and suspense. Don't tell this. Show it.

It culminates in a frightening confrontation between Rosemary, Jonathan and Duncan who is the killer. Leave the ending to the synopsis. She is forced into an impossible situation- send Jonathan’s soul to eternal light or die at the hands of Duncan. In order for her to come to terms with move past/continue living her husband’s death, Rosemary must solve Jonathan’s murder before his killer strikes again. This is really out of order. I think you need to revise.

 

 My writing is published in Nosetouch Press - Wax and Wane: A Gathering of Witchy Tales, The Dark Ones: Tales and Poems of the Shadow Gods, Circle Magazine, Witches & Pagans magazine and Eternal Haunted Summer Ezine. I’m a member of the Writers Federation of Nova Scotia and the Horror Writers Association. The novel is about 70,000 words. I have also enclosed the first five pages.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

 

 

Sincerely,

 

Heddy Johannesen

 

 

I think you might want to go back and try to follow the shell that they suggest on this website. This one doesn't seem better than what you started with.


Current query for critique: http://agentquerycon...-adult-fantasy/


#107 starwriter

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Posted Today, 10:36 AM

ok



#108 starwriter

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Posted Today, 10:53 AM

Dear Mrs. -

 

During the winter in a rural seaside town, Rosemary Bell and the ghost Jonathan Fraser are joined in an experience they will never forget.

 

HAUNTED features Rosemary Bell, a clairvoyant artist overwhelmed with grief. After the death of her husband, Rosemary Bell isolates herself in an old Victorian home wanting nothing more than to find peace. Instead, the scent of seaweed and dreams of a drowning man haunt her. And the ghost of a man named Jonathan Fraser materializes, begging her to help solve his murder. Rosemary must find a way to help the ghost Jonathan if she hopes to move past her grief and stop the killer from striking again.

 

 

My writing is published in Nosetouch Press - Wax and Wane: A Gathering of Witchy Tales, The Dark Ones: Tales and Poems of the Shadow Gods, Circle Magazine, Naming the Goddess, Paganism 101,  Healing Herbs: A Beginner's Guide to Identifying, Foraging, and Using Medicinal Plants More than 100 Remedies from 20 of the Most Healing Plants, Witches & Pagans magazine and The Queen of the Sky: A Devotional anthology in honor of Bast. I’m a member of the Writers Federation of Nova Scotia and the Horror Writers Association. The novel is about 70,000 words. I have also enclosed the first five pages.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

 

 

Sincerely,

 

Heddy Johannesen



#109 starwriter

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Posted Today, 12:01 PM

where do we put contact info and how much?






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