Alright everyone, here goes with a new version. I'm still deciding about the hook. But I thought I better shoot this out there and see what people say. Here it is:
Seventeen-year-old Jude Grim is a reaper, one of Death’s most feared servants. He’s also a high school student in a small Wyoming community, buried in the shadow of his twin brother Drew, the local golden boy.
To make matters worse,(Find a way to get rid of this. It sounds cliched.) Jude’s madly in love with Drew’s girlfriend, the beautiful and talented Skylar Petersen. (Maybe move the being in love with Skylar to the bit where you say she is murdered. It has more surprise there.)
Two hundred years ago Death’s executioner, the infamous Grim Reaper, sacrificed his immortality for the woman he loved, placing his eternal duty into the hands of his future family, the Family Grim. Jude and Drew are his great-grandsons, and although twins, are nothing alike. In fact, Drew’s hidden psychopathic nature and his lust for blood have turned them into bitter enemies.
As the twins grow farther apart, fate pushes Skylar away from Drew and closer and closer to Jude.(Unnecessary.) One night Drew finally snaps, (I don't like this phrasing.) misusing his powers to murder a classmate who embarrassed him at school before hiding the body in a nearby river. When (insert here: Drew's girlfriend,) Skylar discovers his secret, Drew panics and adds her to his body count. (Then add a line that says something like, 'Jude may have turned a blind eye to the boy but...' and drop in your bit about him being in love with her since pre-school, this way you establish your book as a sibling rivalry with a love-interest element.)
Torn with grief and guilt, Jude brings Skylar’s lifeless body to his family, begging for help. Together they track down an eccentric recluse who knows everything there is to know about the Grim Family legacy. He informs them of a whispered legend: reaper’s victims can be saved with seeds from the ancient Tree of Tenere (I like in the original that you tell us that the Tree of Tenere is the Tree of Life.). There’s only one problem, the seeds only work for a short time following the victim’s death. With Drew hot on his trail and Father Death watching their every move, Jude has twenty four hours to find the tree and bring Skylar back. (I think this is a really strong closing line.)
THE FAMILY GRIM, a young adult fantasy novel, is complete at 72,000 words. Thank you for your consideration.
This is an improvement on the last one.