25 replies to this topic

[FineMan]

Hello AQ-ers!

I've been working on my query letter for my WIP (read: procrastinating the whole finishing it part) and I'd love some feedback on it. Does it work? Come off as silly? Just meh?

Thanks in advance!
MarcyKate


Dear Agent,

Getting into a car accident was the second to last thing Maggie Lyons expected on prom night. (I would put the first two sentences together. also, expected, no I would try wanted. The second least thing Maggie Lyons wanted on prom night was a car accident. the least thing she wanted was to find out she wasn't all together human, in fact, she was a cyborg. Something like that.)

The last thing she expected? Finding out she’s part machine.

Turns out there’s a lot of things Maggie didn’t suspect. Like the fact she almost died when she was four and a stranger replaced her broken parts with technology more advanced than anything on the Syfy channel. Or that her geekoid next door neighbor, Tommy, is sleeping in the backseat of her car when she runs away in the middle of the night. (Why is she running away? Her parents anti-cyborgtics? Something to do?)

But thems the breaks. (NO!!)

Now Maggie and Tommy are on the lam, running from her parents, the police, and the doctor who just might be on to her unfortunate condition. She only wants to find her maker and get fixed—as permanently human. Tommy totally cramps her style as they follow clues on a cross-country road trip; but he is beginning to distract her from the ex who wrapped his car around a tree on prom night. That’s a problem in itself. But if she can find the Maker, maybe, just maybe, she can go back to her normal life.

Then Maggie meets the others like her.

Turns out there’s a lot more to be afraid of than winding up under a microscope.

CONFESSIONS OF A TEENAGE CYBORG is a YA Science fiction novel complete at 60,000 words. [bio, creds, etc] (Really needs to be condensed.)

[Brendacarre]

Thanks again for all the comments! (And no, Jean, definitely not going to shoot you – I could hug you!)

Some of the questions which have arisen from the query create a bit of a quandary for me. Some details were left out on purpose, yet were still important enough to hint at but would take WAY too long to explain a query...So I guess I've cut my work cut out for me :) I'll go back and try to make that second paragraph a little more clear!

THANK YOU!!!

Anyone who has the smarts to write with a voice like yours has the gut understanding to cut what you need to. Go with your gut, Marcy Kate. My guess is that's what prompted you to play in the first place.
Like others said here. I look forward to seeing what you do to make this query blow out of the pile even more.

[MarcyKate]

Hi there,

For the most part, I've had a good response to the first query below from critiquers (agently, agented, and aq-ers), but I've had a couple people say they get a little lost in the second section. I've gone over it and over it, but I'm having trouble figuring out what needs to go or be reworded, probably because I'm way too close to it! I could really use some fresh eyes to help me nail down what, if anything, should be moved, nixed, or fixed. Any suggestions on how to re-word or fix are also welcome!

Thank you in advance for your help!
MarcyKate

VERSION #1:
Dear Agent,

Getting into a car accident was the second to last thing Maggie Lyons expected on prom night. The last thing she expected? Finding out she’s part machine.

Turns out, there are a lot of things Maggie didn’t suspect. Like the fact she almost died when she was four. And her parents let a stranger replace her broken parts with technology more advanced than anything on the Syfy channel. Or that her geekoid next door neighbor, Tommy, is hiding in the backseat of her car when she runs away in the middle of the night.

But that’s just the way her weekend is going.

Now Maggie and Tommy are on the lam in a stolen car, running from her parents, the police, and the doctor who might be on to her condition. Not to mention the bald dude with a seriously bad attitude tailing them. Tommy would give anything to have her newly manifested talents, but Maggie’s not so keen—even a simple tickle fight could turn deadly. All she wants is to find her Maker and get fixed—as fully human. As they follow clues on a cross-country road trip, Tommy totally cramps her style; but he is beginning to distract her from the guy who wrapped his car around a tree on prom night. That’s a problem in itself. If only she can find her Maker, maybe, just maybe, she can go back to life as normal.

Then Maggie meets the others like her. Turns out, there’s a lot more to be afraid of than winding up under a microscope.

POSSIBLE VERSION #2
Dear Agent,

Getting into a car accident was the second to last thing Maggie Lyons expected on prom night. The last thing she expected? Finding out she’s part machine.

Turns out, there are a lot of things Maggie didn’t suspect. Like the fact she almost died when she was four. And her parents let a stranger replace her broken parts with technology more advanced than anything on the Syfy channel. Or that her geekoid next door neighbor, Tommy, is hiding in the backseat of her car when she runs away in the middle of the night.

But that’s just the way her weekend is going.

Now Maggie and Tommy are on the lam in a stolen car, running from the police, the doctor who might be on to her condition, and the bald dude with a seriously bad attitude tailing them. Tommy would give anything to have her newly manifested strength, but Maggie’s not so keen—even a simple tickle fight could turn deadly. All she wants is to find her Maker and get her human parts restored. As they follow clues on a cross-country road trip, Tommy totally cramps her style, but he is beginning to distract her from the guy who wrapped his car around a tree on prom night. That’s problem in itself—geek love is definitely not a part of Maggie’s plan. If only she can find her Maker, maybe, just maybe, she can go back to life as normal.

Then Maggie meets the others like her. Turns out, there’s a lot more to be afraid of than winding up under a microscope.

[squirrelsohno]

Your plot sounds interesting! Cyborgs and robots seem to be one of the next big trends for me, and this seems like it should be a good fit if I'm not wrong about that. I liked the second version better than the first, but there seem to be a few issues. Hope these help at least a little!

Dear Agent,

Getting into a car accident was the second to last thing Maggie Lyons expected on prom night. The last thing she expected? Finding out she’s part machine.

Turns out, there are a lot of things Maggie didn’t suspect. Like the fact she almost died when she was four. And her parents let a stranger replace her broken parts with technology more advanced than anything on the Syfy channel (I think maybe just "on Syfy" will suffice). Or that her geekoid next door neighbor, Tommy, is hiding in the backseat of her car when she runs away in the middle of the night. (Something about this just doesn't flow. Maybe it's the choppy sentences, but I know nothing about querying YA books with the query written this style. Or querying period, but I'm trying to learn.)

But that’s just the way her weekend is going. (I think you could live without this, or say change the wording. The Grammar Monster in me is poking me about this, though - I think it's just the word but. And the fact I suddenly think this is going to take place in the course of one weekend.)

Now Maggie and Tommy are on the lam in a stolen car, running from the police, the doctor who might be on to her condition, and the bald dude with a seriously bad attitude tailing them. Tommy would give anything to have her newly manifested strength, but Maggie’s not so keen—even a simple tickle fight could turn deadly. All she wants is to find her Maker and get her human parts restored. As they follow clues on a cross-country road trip, Tommy totally cramps her style, but he is beginning to distract her from the guy who wrapped his car around a tree on prom night. That’s a/the problem in itself—geek love is definitely not a part of Maggie’s plan. If only she can find her Maker, maybe, just maybe, she can go back to life as normal. (Kind of like Pinocchio? Also, my belief has been suspended here because that seems impossible, haha.)

Then Maggie meets the others like her. Turns out, there’s a lot more to be afraid of than winding up under a microscope. I do like that you've landed here on suspense, but there seems to be a lot of action going on in this. Are you anticipating more books or is this all just one book? I'm assuming you're planing on sequels.)

[MarcyKate]

Thanks for the feedback - it definitely helps!

[Stefanzo]

New eyes here. I like #2.
Last line is a ripper, so I'd recommend cutting the last half of the second last para (doesn't add to it), jumping to the last line hook, and keeping a really, short, punchy query. I reckon it'd be fabulous like that
Suggestions and comments below:


Getting into a A horrendous? (it sounded like a little accident until you mentioned the wrapped around tree buit below)car accident was the second to last thing Maggie Lyons expected on prom night. The last thing she expected? Finding out she’s part machine. COOL

Turns out, there are a lot of things Maggie didn’t suspect. Like the fact she almost died when she was four. And her parents let a stranger replace her broken parts with technology more advanced than anything on the Syfy channel. Or that her geekoid next door neighbor, Tommy, is hiding in the backseat of her car when she runs away in the middle of prom/that night.

But that’s just the way her weekend is going.(COULD CUT)

Now Maggie and Tommy are on the lam (HUH? WHAT'S LAM?) in a stolen car, running from the police, the doctor who might be on to her condition, and the bald dude with a seriously bad attitude tailing them. Tommy would give anything to have her newly manifested strength(BETTER THAN #1. MORE SPECIFIC THAN TALENTS), but Maggie’s not so keen—even a simple tickle fight could turn deadly. All she wants is to find her Maker and get her human parts restored (GIVES US A BETTER UNDERSTANDING THAN #1). As they follow clues on a cross-country road trip, Tommy totally cramps her style, but he is beginning to distract her from the guy who wrapped his car around a tree on prom night. That’s problem in itself—geek love is definitely not a part of Maggie’s plan. (CUT THIS. IT SUBTRACTS) If only she can find her Maker, maybe, just maybe, she can go back to life as normal. I (Cut. Just a repeat of wanting to find her maker)

Then Maggie meets the others like her. Turns out, there’s a lot more to be afraid of than winding up under a microscope. GREAT. NOW IT FEELS LIKE IT STARTS, BUT THEN YOU END IT SUDDENLY... AND NOW WE SUDDENLY NEED TO READ IT. WELL DONE