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HALF-BREEDS AND OTHER LIABILITIES (ya urban fantasy)


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#1 Kodi R.

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Posted 24 May 2013 - 04:15 PM

Hi. Um. Not quite exactly sure how to do this but I thought I'd give it a go. I'm terrible at queries so expect this to be bad. Yeah. Um, I'm willing to critique your query if you critique mine so yeah, paying it forward is cool.

Here goes...

Dear agent,

Mihael Wrath might tower over his family and pack enough of a punch to make them see stars--but he's worthless to them if he doesn't turn into a full demon by his next birthday.

With the special day just around the corner and no demonly powers in sight, he figures he'll be disowned like all his other "useless" relatives. His father has a different idea--sacrifice Mihael and use his powerful blood for an unknown reason.

When Mihael finds out about his father's plan, he decides to run, entering the Human Realm in order to ask for sanctuary. Not many people are willing to offer sanctuary to a half-demon though--even one as weak as Mihael--so it doesn't come as a shocker when his pleas for help land him with a death sentence from the prestigious Order of the Angels.

Mihael hasn't survived seventeen years in the Demon Realm for nothing though, and if he's learned one thing, it' that if two groups of people want to kill you, they're probably connected. Now on the run from both Angels and Demons alike, he teams up with a condemned teenage psychic and a reluctant half angel in order to find out if there's anything going on under the surface of these death sentences.

What they find might not be important just for saving Mihael's life--but also for preventing the end of the world.


I literally have no credentials so I don't know what to put here.

HALF-BREEDS AND OTHER LIABILITIES is a 80,000 word young adult urban fantasy novel that will appeal to fans of Percy Jackson and the Olympians and The Mortal Instruments.

Thank you for your time.

-my name


Thanks if you decide to help me out. :)


Current Project: Half-Breeds and Other Liabilities
Query: http://agentquerycon...ities-ya-urban-
Take a look!

#2 Fer

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Posted 24 May 2013 - 05:05 PM

Hi. Um. Not quite exactly sure how to do this but I thought I'd give it a go. I'm terrible at queries so expect this to be bad. Yeah. Um, I'm willing to critique your query if you critique mine so yeah, paying it forward is cool.

Here goes...

Dear agent,

Mihael Wrath might tower over his family and pack enough of a punch to make them see stars--but he's worthless to them if he doesn't turn into a full demon by his next birthday.

With the special day just around the corner and no demonly powers in sight, he figures he'll be disowned like all his other "useless" relatives. His father has a different idea--sacrifice Mihael and use his powerful blood for an unknown reason.

When Mihael finds out about his father's plan, he decides to run, entering the Human Realm in order to ask for sanctuary. Not many people are willing to offer sanctuary to a half-demon though--even one as weak as Mihael--so it doesn't come as a shocker when his pleas for help land him with a death sentence from the prestigious Order of the Angels.

Mihael hasn't survived seventeen years in the Demon Realm for nothing though, and if he's learned one thing, it' that if two groups of people Some where there is either a typo or other mistake in here. want to kill you, they're probably connected. Now on the run from both Angels and Demons alike, he teams up with a condemned teenage psychic and a reluctant half angel in order to find out if there's anything going on under the surface of these death sentences.

What they find might not be important just for saving Mihael's life--but also for preventing the end of the world.

I literally have no credentials so I don't know what to put here. How about nothing at all :)

HALF-BREEDS AND OTHER LIABILITIES is a 80,000 word young adult urban fantasy novel that will appeal to fans of Percy Jackson and the Olympians and The Mortal Instruments.

Thank you for your time.

-my name


Thanks if you decide to help me out. :)

I know, not much help, but I gave it a go. I was going to ask, what makes this a YA, but then I read the query again and discovered that your main character is 17. Naughty hiding that from me.  :smile:

 

Anyway, my two cents.


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#3 Kodi R.

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Posted 24 May 2013 - 05:12 PM

Thank you!

Maybe I should mention his age earlier...

Yeah, typo..I'm on my phone. Car ride and all.

Thank you again.
Current Project: Half-Breeds and Other Liabilities
Query: http://agentquerycon...ities-ya-urban-
Take a look!

#4 Madseasongirl

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Posted 25 May 2013 - 10:06 AM

Hi. Um. Not quite exactly sure how to do this but I thought I'd give it a go. I'm terrible at queries so expect this to be bad. Yeah. Um, I'm willing to critique your query if you critique mine so yeah, paying it forward is cool.

Here goes...

Dear agent,

Mihael This name is strange and I keep reading it as Michael. I know it's not a big deal, and maybe you did it on purpose, but maybe it's something to think about. Wrath might tower over his family and pack enough of a punch to make them see stars--but he's worthless to them if he doesn't turn into a full demon by his next 18th birthday. Interesting hook but I don't know if it's enough to wow.

With the special his birthday just around the corner and no demonly powers in sight, he figures he'll be disowned like all his other "useless" relatives. His father has a different idea--sacrifice Mihael and use his powerful blood for an unknown reason. "Unknown reason" doesn't do much for me.

When Mihael finds out about his father's plan, he decides to run, entering the Human Realm in order to ask for sanctuary. Not many people are willing to offer sanctuary to a half-demon though--even one as weak as Mihael--so it doesn't come as a shocker when his pleas for help land him with a death sentence from the prestigious Order of the Angels. If it doesn't come as a shocker, why would this be his plan in the first place? I think escaping from his dad might be a bit easier than escaping an entire Order.

Mihael hasn't survived seventeen years in the Demon Realm for nothing though, and if he's learned one thing, it's that if two groups of people want to kill you, they're probably connected. But I don't see the connection. What are the two groups? Is he including his father as a "group", because right now, the only people I see wanting to kill him is his dad and the Order.  Now on the run from both Angels and Demons more than one demon wants to kill him? alike, he teams up with a condemned teenage psychic and a reluctant half angel is he reluctant to be a half angel, or reluctant to help? in order to find out if there's anything going on under the surface of these death sentences. I'm confused. We already know there's more to why his father wants to kill him (his powerful blood) and what makes him think the Order needs any other reason to kill him other than the fact that he's a demon? Mihael wants to find out WHAT is going on under the surface, not IF there IS something going on.

What they find The answer might not be important not just for saving Mihael's life--but also for preventing the end of the world.

I literally have no credentials so I don't know what to put here. No need for anything.

HALF-BREEDS AND OTHER LIABILITIES Nice title.  is a 80,000 word young adult urban fantasy novel that will appeal to fans of Percy Jackson and the Olympians and The Mortal Instruments.

Thank you for your time.

-my name


Thanks if you decide to help me out. :)

Cool concept but I'm not intrigued. There are plenty of books out there about angels and demons, and I guess I was just looking for more of what sets yours apart. Maybe tell us more about the conflict and Mihael. Right now, he's just some dude running for his life and maybe possibly, saving the world in the process. Read it before. Tell us why this is different.  Good luck!


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#5 Kodi R.

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Posted 25 May 2013 - 10:15 AM

Thanks for the critique. Ugh. I hate queries. >.<


Current Project: Half-Breeds and Other Liabilities
Query: http://agentquerycon...ities-ya-urban-
Take a look!

#6 Kodi R.

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Posted 25 May 2013 - 10:47 AM

Okay, I think I'm going to make up a totally new one. From a different, more original angle.


Current Project: Half-Breeds and Other Liabilities
Query: http://agentquerycon...ities-ya-urban-
Take a look!

#7 Kodi R.

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Posted 25 May 2013 - 04:01 PM

Alright. I tried to write a new one. Not quite sure about it.

 

Dear Agent,

 
Seventeen year old Mihael Wrath might be the equivalent of demon royalty, but if he doesn't become a full demon by his eighteenth birthday, he’s doomed to become the Demon Realm’s next sacrificial lamb.
 
With his birthday just around the corner and no demonly powers in sight, Mihael would rather face the shame of running away than the blade of a demon’s knife. His father has a different plan—sacrifice Mihael and use his powerful blood to start the next Apocalypse.
 
When Mihael finds out about his father’s plan, he decides to take matters into his own hands, and warns the prestigious Order of the Angels of the demon's plot. Not many people are inclined to believe a half-demon though, and Mihael’s warning gets dismissed as a practical joke. Furthermore, the Order now perceives him as a threat and wants to execute him for disturbing the peace.
 
With little time left before the Apocalypse and his only allies an emotionally unstable psychic and a self-righteous half-angel, Mihael needs to figure out a way to evade the people who want him dead and stop the Apocalypse—and he’ll have to do it as a powerless half-demon.

 

HALF-BREEDS AND OTHER LIABILITIES is a YA urban fantasy novel at 80,000 words that will appeal to fans of PERCY JACKSON AND THE OLYMPIANS and THE MORTAL INSTRUMENTS.

 

Thank you.

 

Contact info.

 

--Kaden-Anthony Ross


Current Project: Half-Breeds and Other Liabilities
Query: http://agentquerycon...ities-ya-urban-
Take a look!

#8 Yuffie

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Posted 25 May 2013 - 04:07 PM

Alright. I tried to write a new one. Not quite sure about it.

 

Dear Agent,

 
Seventeen year old Mihael Wrath might be the equivalent of demon royalty, but if he doesn't become a full demon by his 18th eighteenth birthday, he’s doomed to become the Demon Realm’s next sacrificial lamb.
 
With his birthday just around the corner and no demonly powers in sight, Mihael figures he’d would rather face the shame of running away than the blade of a demon’s knife. His father has a different plan—sacrifice Mihael and use his powerful blood to start the next Apocalypse.
 
When Mihael finds out about his father’s plan, he decides to takes matters into his own hands, warning and warns the prestigious Order of the Angels of the demons’ (shouldn't this be "demon's" since it's only one demon--his father--plotting?) plot. Not many people are inclined to believe a half-demon though, and Mihael’s warning gets dismissed as a practical joke. Great line! I love this. Furthermore, the Order now perceives him as a threat and wants to execute him for disturbing the peace.
 
With little time left before the Apocalypse and his only allies an emotionally unstable psychic and a self-righteous half-angel, Mihael will have needs to figure out a way to evade the people who want him dead and stop the Apocalypse—and he’ll have to do it as a powerless half-demon.

 

HALF-BREEDS AND OTHER LIABILITIES is a YA urban fantasy novel at 80,000 words that will appeal to fans of PERCY JACKSON AND THE OLYMPIANS and THE MORTAL INSTRUMENTS.

 

Thank you.

 

Contact info.

 

--Kaden-Anthony Ross

Nice query! I really like it. If I saw this in a book jacket, I'd want to read the book.


I'd really appreciate some feedback on my query for Guardian Redemption: http://agentquerycon...t-high-fantasy/


#9 Kodi R.

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Posted 25 May 2013 - 04:14 PM

Nice query! I really like it. If I saw this in a book jacket, I'd want to read the book.

 

Thanks, Yuffie. I'll make those corrections!

 

Huh. It didn't quote the whole thing.


Current Project: Half-Breeds and Other Liabilities
Query: http://agentquerycon...ities-ya-urban-
Take a look!

#10 Yuffie

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Posted 25 May 2013 - 04:20 PM

Thanks, Yuffie. I'll make those corrections!

 

Huh. It didn't quote the whole thing.

It doesn't quote a quote, I don't think. :P


I'd really appreciate some feedback on my query for Guardian Redemption: http://agentquerycon...t-high-fantasy/


#11 Kodi R.

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Posted 25 May 2013 - 04:24 PM

It doesn't quote a quote, I don't think. :P

 

 

OH, yeah. Thanks again.


Current Project: Half-Breeds and Other Liabilities
Query: http://agentquerycon...ities-ya-urban-
Take a look!

#12 Madseasongirl

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Posted 25 May 2013 - 05:29 PM

I'm liking this one much better, nice turn around! It reads more original and it gets the characters and conflict across much better. And I agree with Yuffie- I'd totally read this. :smile:


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Here's my query- The Oath Taker


#13 Kodi R.

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Posted 25 May 2013 - 06:09 PM

I'm liking this one much better, nice turn around! It reads more original and it gets the characters and conflict across much better. And I agree with Yuffie- I'd totally read this. :smile:

 

Whoo! I did it! /dances the query dance

 

Wait until someone rips it to shreds again. x

 

Thanks, Madseasongirl. You really helped me with your critique!


Current Project: Half-Breeds and Other Liabilities
Query: http://agentquerycon...ities-ya-urban-
Take a look!

#14 Jemi

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Posted 25 May 2013 - 08:03 PM

Hi Kodi - just a few thoughts to help you out...

Seventeen year old Mihael Wrath might be the equivalent of demon royalty, but if he doesn't become a full demon by his eighteenth birthday, he’s doomed to become the Demon Realm’s next sacrificial lamb. I like it - good voice. I think you need hyphens in between 17-y-o though. And using the word Demon 3 times might be too much. You could eliminate the 3rd one without any trouble to eliminate the echol
 
With his birthday just around the corner and no demonly powers in sight, Mihael would rather face the shame of running away than the blade of a demon’s knife. His father has a different plan—sacrifice Mihael and use his powerful blood to start the next Apocalypse.
 
When Mihael finds out about discovers his father’s plan, he decides to take matters into his own hands (that phrase seems a bit cliche - you could probably eliminate it or change it to 'panics' 'freaks out' or something else that works with your story), and warns the prestigious Order of the Angels of the demon's plot. Not many people are inclined to believe a half-demon though, and Mihael’s warning gets dismissed as a practical joke. Furthermore, the Order now perceives him as a threat and wants to execute him for disturbing the peace.
 
With little time left before the Apocalypse (I thought there would only be an Apocalypse if he got killed by dad??) and his only allies an emotionally unstable psychic and a self-righteous half-angel, Mihael needs to figure out a way to evade the people who want him dead and stop the Apocalypse—and he’ll have to do it as a powerless half-demon. (The last phrase seems a little too light for the final line. It's also a pretty long sentence. Maybe a couple of shorter ones instead??? ...With only days before his birthday, Mihael finds allies in an annoying half-angel and a nutjob psychic. Add in his powerless self and stopping dad's apocoalypse seems a long shot - but it's the only shot they have... okay, that's definitely not great and it's not in your voice, but it's just to give you an idea what I'm getting at with the shorter sentences. Make them punchy and bring out the big threat at the very end. Make that agent DEMAND the rest of your story!)

Hope that helps you out a bit. Sounds like you've got an intriguing story! If nothing resonates with you, feel free to ignore - it's your story and you'll know when it's right! Good luck with it! :smile:



#15 Kodi R.

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Posted 25 May 2013 - 08:34 PM

Hi Kodi - just a few thoughts to help you out...

Hope that helps you out a bit. Sounds like you've got an intriguing story! If nothing resonates with you, feel free to ignore - it's your story and you'll know when it's right! Good luck with it! :smile:

 

 

Thank you, Jemi!


Current Project: Half-Breeds and Other Liabilities
Query: http://agentquerycon...ities-ya-urban-
Take a look!

#16 Kodi R.

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Posted 25 May 2013 - 09:09 PM

Dear Agent,

 

Seventeen year old Mihael Wrath might be the equivalent of demon royalty, but if he doesn't become a full demon by his eighteenth birthday, he’s doomed to become the Realm’s next sacrificial lamb.

 

With his birthday just around the corner, and no demonic powers in sight, Mihael would rather face the shame of running away than the blade of a demon’s knife. His father has a different plan—sacrifice Mihael and use his blood to start the next Apocalypse.

 

When Mihael discovers his father’s plan he panics and warns the Order of the Angels of the demon's plot. Not many people are inclined to believe a half-demon though, and Mihael’s warning gets dismissed as a practical joke. Furthermore, the Order now perceives him as a threat and wants to execute him for disturbing the peace.

 

With only days until his birthday and a new twist in his father's plan, he finds allies in an unstable psychic and a conceited half-angel who are liabilities just like himself. But the gang soon realize that their liabilities might be the only thing that can save the world.

 

HALF-BREEDS AND OTHER LIABILITIES is a YA urban fantasy novel at 80,000 words that will appeal to fans of PERCY JACKSON AND THE OLYMPIANS and THE MORTAL INSTRUMENTS.

 

Thank you.

 

Contact info.


Current Project: Half-Breeds and Other Liabilities
Query: http://agentquerycon...ities-ya-urban-
Take a look!

#17 Jenny Jones

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Posted 25 May 2013 - 11:12 PM

Kodi,

Your query seems to be really nicely polished. My only suggestion is to add some names and characterization when you write "...he finds allies in an unstable psychic and a conceited half-angel who are liabilities just like himself." In other words, who are his allies (specific names)? Who is this conceited half-angel?

Best of luck,

Pegah



#18 Limpid-Purity

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Posted 26 May 2013 - 12:03 AM

Hello! :)

 

Edits below are only in my opinion, so feel free to disregard them if it doesn't fit.

 

(My comments are in brackets)

[These are suggestions]

 



Dear Agent,

 

Seventeen year old Mihael Wrath might be the equivalent of demon royalty, but if he doesn't become a full demon by his eighteenth birthday, he’s doomed to become the Realm’s next sacrificial lamb. (I like this opening.:) )

 

With his birthday just around the corner, (no need for a comma here) and no demonic powers in sight, Mihael would rather face the shame of running away than the blade of a demon’s knife. [But] (Since this sentence starts off a new idea, using 'but' may be better.) His father has a different plan—sacrifice Mihael and use his blood to start the next Apocalypse.

 

When Mihael discovers his father’s plan (it seems a little redundant because just in the previous sentence it was mentioned, but I'm not sure how to rephrase it. Maybe 'When Mihael uncovers this'? But of course better than that.:P) he panics and warns the Order of the Angels of the demon's plot. Not many people (I think you could do without 'people') are inclined to believe a half-demon though, and Mihael’s warning gets [is] dismissed as a practical joke. Furthermore, the Order now perceives him as a threat and wants to execute him for disturbing the peace(I think this can be reworded more... actively? Something like, 'he's now considered a threat to the Order, and they want his head for disturbing the peace'?)

 

 

With only days until his birthday and a new twist in his father's plan, he finds allies in an unstable psychic and a conceited half-angel who are liabilities just like himself. But the gang soon realize that their liabilities might be the only thing[s?] that can save the world. (Wonderful ending line. You're really good at this query writing thing. xD)

 

HALF-BREEDS AND OTHER LIABILITIES is a YA urban fantasy novel at 80,000 words that will appeal to fans of PERCY JACKSON AND THE OLYMPIANS and THE MORTAL INSTRUMENTS. (It's your choice, but I personally don't like comparing your own book to other books. Then again it could also depend on the agent.)

 

Thank you [for your time and consideration] (it's more formal methinks, but again, only my opinion).

 

Contact info.

 

I don't know what else to say. It's really good. *applauds*


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#19 Kodi R.

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Posted 26 May 2013 - 08:39 AM

Thanks, both of you! Really helpful advice!

__

 

 

Dear Agent,

 

Seventeen year old Mihael Wrath might be the equivalent of demon royalty, but if he doesn't become a full demon by his eighteenth birthday, he’s doomed to become the Realm’s next sacrificial lamb.

 

With his birthday just around the corner and no demonic powers in sight, Mihael would rather face the shame of running away than the blade of a demon’s knife. But his father has a different plan—sacrifice Mihael and use his blood to start the next Apocalypse.

 

When Mihael discovers this he panics and warns the Order of the Angels of the demon's plot. Not many are inclined to believe a half-demon though, and Mihael’s warning is dismissed as a practical joke. Now the Order consider him a threat and want his head for disturbing the peace.

 

With only days until his birthday and a new twist in his father's plan, he finds allies in an unstable psychic and a conceited half-angel who are liabilities just like himself. They’re hopelessly outmatched—but the three of them might be the only ones who can save the world.

 

HALF-BREEDS AND OTHER LIABILITIES is a YA urban fantasy novel at 80,000 words that will appeal to fans of PERCY JACKSON AND THE OLYMPIANS and THE MORTAL INSTRUMENTS.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

Contact info.

 

 

__

 

Okay, I changed the last line a little bit. I don't know if I like it better. i think I do.


Edited by Kodi R., 26 May 2013 - 12:37 PM.

Current Project: Half-Breeds and Other Liabilities
Query: http://agentquerycon...ities-ya-urban-
Take a look!

#20 andycp1999

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Posted 26 May 2013 - 01:22 PM

This query seems to be evolving quite nicely. I'm as clueless as the next when it comes to writing queries, so consider the source from whence it comes in the comments that follow.

 

Thanks, both of you! Really helpful advice!

__

 

 

Dear Agent,

 

Seventeen year old (SEVENTEEN-YEAR-OLD) Mihael Wrath might be the equivalent of demon royalty, (WHY NOT JUST SAY HE'S DEMON ROYALTY?) but if he doesn't become a full demon by his eighteenth birthday, he’s doomed to become the Realm’s next sacrificial lamb.

 

With his birthday just around the corner (WHY NOT JUST GIVE THE EXACT TIME?) and no demonic powers in sight, (WHY NOT?) Mihael would rather face the shame of running away than the blade of a demon’s knife. But his father has a different plan—sacrifice Mihael and use his blood to start the next Apocalypse. (NICE DAD. I FEEL THE LOVE.)

 

When Mihael discovers this he panics and warns the Order of the Angels of the demon's plot. Not many are inclined to believe a half-demon though, and Mihael’s warning is dismissed as a practical joke. Now the Order consider him a threat and want his head for disturbing the peace.

 

With only days until his birthday (NOW WE HAVE THE  SPECIFICS AS TO WHEN BUT YOU'RE REPEATING YOURSELF HERE.) and a new twist in his father's plan, he finds allies in an unstable psychic and a conceited half-angel who are liabilities just like himself. (LIABILITIES LIKE HIMSELF? DOES THIS MEAN THEY ALSO FACE BEING SACRIFICED?) They’re hopelessly outmatched—but the three of them might be the only ones who can save the world. (NOW HERE'S YOUR REAL HOOK, I'D SAY. CAN YOU GIVE US A CLUE AS TO HOW THEY'RE GOING TO ACCOMPLISH THIS.)

 

HALF-BREEDS AND OTHER LIABILITIES is a YA urban fantasy novel at 80,000 words that will appeal to fans of PERCY JACKSON AND THE OLYMPIANS and THE MORTAL INSTRUMENTS. (I CHECKED THE DEFINITION OF URBAN FANTASY, AND IT CAN BE MANY THINGS, BUT IT NEEDS TO BE SET IN THE CITY. IF THAT'S THE CASE, MAYBE YOU SHOULD MENTION THE NAME OF THE  CITY.)

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

Contact info.

 

 

__

 

Okay, I changed the last line a little bit. I don't know if I like it better. i think I do.

 






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