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THERIAN (YA Fantasy)

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#1 ODearMoriah

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Posted 19 July 2013 - 07:04 PM

Please check out the revision in post #13!

 

An agent that I'm interested in recommended 500 words or two pages.  This is my first attempt.  Feel free to mention the name of your synopsis, and I'll try to find it and repay the favor.  Thanks!

 

 

Two teenagers in Ilios, a country of magic and modern marvels, must stop the kidnapping and selling of therians, beings who can shape-shift into any animal. NIM, a sixteen-year-old therian, had been cursed as a baby. While most therians can shape shift at any time and into any animal, Nim is forced to be a bear throughout the day and a human at night, which is quite the inconvenience. She meets seventeen-year-old wizard, JASPER, an orphaned empath raised by an abusive mentor as part of a state run program for magic users. When his mentor abandons him, Jasper stays with Nim and her adoptive father who introduces him to a new mentor.  Meanwhile, MALUM TEAGUE offers to use his vast wealth to break Nim’s curse if she comes to live with and be educated by his family.  Uneasy, Jasper suspects the man is not honest about his intentions.

 

Wanting to keep Nim from Malum, Jasper attempts to break her curse on his own, which severely weakens him.  The curse is stretched so that Nim can choose her animal form, though she is still bound by the sunrise and sunset.  However, the transformation makes her violently ill.  Her best chance of survival now lies with Malum and his family.

 

Jasper discovers that the much older Malum is sexually attracted to Nim.  Concerned for her, Jasper admits that he can feel others’ emotions--including her growing romantic feelings for himself.  Betrayed, Nim parts ways with Jasper.

But Jasper was right to worry about the Teagues.  Malum feeds Nim the drug sweet potion which numbs her mind.  His brother, AMARANTH, reveals that he had attempted to set Nim’s curse as punishment for her family’s deeds, but he was interrupted half way through.  He breaks the curse now because she is more valuable as a true therian, valuable to buyers who want bodyguards, pets, and sex slaves all rolled into one attractive package.

 

When Jasper attempts to amend their friendship, he stumbles upon a menagerie at the Teagues’ estate.  Imprisoned inside are therians cursed to be animals every day, every night until they die.  One animal, a bear, is Nim’s mother, URSOLA.

 

After freeing the therians, Jasper and Ursola rescue Nim, but Jasper sacrifices his freedom in the process.  While pretending to be under Amaranth’s spell, Jasper discovers the Teague’s schemes, how they relate to Nim’s family, and their upcoming auction if the secret passage between Ilios and the neighboring Selene is not obstructed by flooding.  The arrogant Amaranth eventually sends Jasper to recapture Nim.  When Jasper and Nim reunite, they visit the leader of a nearby pack.  He refuses to stop the Teagues or rescue the imprisoned therians.  They realize it’s because he has been selling pack members to the Teagues through SABLE, the Teagues’ sensual bodyguard.  Sable had been sent to follow Jasper and now knows his plans and the full extent of his powers.  Realizing that Jasper is more valuable than Nim, she returns to Amaranth and alerts him of their coming.

 

Believing he had successfully ambushed and enchanted Jasper and Nim with a powerful brand, Amaranth is blinded by his own conceit.  He fails to realize that therians have infiltrated his estate as mice, that Malum and their sister have disappeared, and that Jasper has escaped his spell enough to flood the tunnel, trapping the buyers within the estate.  After a final confrontation, Jasper kills Amaranth, though Nim fears he is the only one who knows the location of previously sold therians.  Nim and Jasper are finally able to act on their feelings for one another, and Nim, planning to leave Ilios to find the missing therians, invites Jasper to join her


Creative fantasy, because it is mainly trying to do something else (make something new), may open your hoard and let all the locked things fly away like cage-birds.

-Tolkien

 

@ODearMoriah for Twitter stories.  A healthy dose of fiction.

Paracosms, Please for creative content under 140 words.


#2 Blooded Dragon

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Posted 19 July 2013 - 10:31 PM

An agent that I'm interested in recommended 500 words or two pages.  This is my first attempt.  Feel free to mention the name of your synopsis, and I'll try to find it and repay the favor.  Thanks! (I think I've heard a synopsis can be 1,000 words in two pages.)

 

 

Two teenagers in Ilios, a country of magic and modern marvels, must stop the kidnapping and selling of therians, beings who can shape-shift into any animal. NIM, a sixteen-year-old therian, had been cursed as a baby. While most therians can shape shift at any time and into any animal, Nim is forced to be a bear throughout the day and a human at night, which is quite the inconvenience. She meets seventeen-year-old wizard, JASPER, an orphaned empath raised by an abusive mentor as part of a state run program for magic users. When his mentor abandons him, Jasper stays with Nim and her adoptive father who introduces him to a new mentor.  Meanwhile, MALUM TEAGUE offers to use his vast wealth to break Nim’s curse if she comes to live with and be educated by his family.  Uneasy, Jasper suspects the man is not honest about his intentions.

 

Wanting to keep Nim from Malum, Jasper attempts to break her curse on his own, which severely weakens him.  The curse is stretched so that Nim can choose her animal form, though she is still bound by the sunrise and sunset.  However, the transformation makes her violently ill.  Her best chance of survival now lies with Malum and his family.

 

Jasper discovers that the much older Malum is sexually attracted to Nim.  Concerned for her, Jasper admits that he can feel others’ emotions--including her growing romantic feelings for himself.  Betrayed, Nim parts ways with Jasper.

But Jasper was right to worry about the Teagues. (I got confused at first when I read Teagues. That's Malum, right? You should stick to one name only for a character to avoid confusing)  Malum feeds Nim the drug sweet potion which numbs her mind.  His brother, AMARANTH, reveals that he had attempted to set Nim’s curse as punishment for her family’s deeds, but he was interrupted half way through.  He breaks the curse now because she is more valuable as a true therian, valuable to buyers who want bodyguards, pets, and sex slaves all rolled into one attractive package. (At this point, too many characters have been introduced into the synopsis. Another consensus is that a synopsis contain no more than two characters. For this story, I'm assuming Jasper and Nim are the most important characters so stick to them and give everyone else a peripheral designation like: a wizard says they can break her curse but he may have ulterior motives or something like that. I could be wrong, maybe there can be a maximum of three characters.)

 

When Jasper attempts to amend their friendship, he stumbles upon a menagerie at the Teagues’ estate.  Imprisoned inside are therians cursed to be animals every day, every night until they die.  One animal, a bear, is Nim’s mother, URSOLA.

 

After freeing the therians, Jasper and Ursola rescue Nim, but Jasper sacrifices his freedom in the process.  While pretending to be under Amaranth’s spell, Jasper discovers the Teague’s schemes, how they relate to Nim’s family, and their upcoming auction if the secret passage between Ilios and the neighboring Selene is not obstructed by flooding.  The arrogant Amaranth eventually sends Jasper to recapture Nim.  When Jasper and Nim reunite, they visit the leader of a nearby pack.  He refuses to stop the Teagues or rescue the imprisoned therians.  They realize it’s because he has been selling pack members to the Teagues through SABLE, the Teagues’ sensual bodyguard.  Sable had been sent to follow Jasper and now knows his plans and the full extent of his powers.  Realizing that Jasper is more valuable than Nim, she returns to Amaranth and alerts him of their coming.

 

Believing he had successfully ambushed and enchanted Jasper and Nim with a powerful brand, Amaranth is blinded by his own conceit.  He fails to realize that therians have infiltrated his estate as mice, that Malum and their sister have disappeared, and that Jasper has escaped his spell enough to flood the tunnel, trapping the buyers within the estate.  After a final confrontation, Jasper kills Amaranth, though Nim fears he is the only one who knows the location of previously sold therians.  Nim and Jasper are finally able to act on their feelings for one another, and Nim, planning to leave Ilios to find the missing therians, invites Jasper to join her

 

It's a good start for now. Sorry I wasn't much help, I can't think straight now.


"Brave, unconcerned, mocking, violent--thus wisdom wants us: she is a woman and loves only a warrior."

-Friedrich Nietzsche, Thus Spoke Zarathustra-On Reading and Writing

#3 Blooded Dragon

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Posted 19 July 2013 - 10:34 PM

Ugh! I'm so dumb! At first I thought I was looking at the query forum so I was giving advice like this was a query, not a synopsis (I'm running on low sleep at the moment). I've already gone back and edited my misplaced advice. Sorry. I'll try to be more help in the future but for now the synopsis looks fairly good.


"Brave, unconcerned, mocking, violent--thus wisdom wants us: she is a woman and loves only a warrior."

-Friedrich Nietzsche, Thus Spoke Zarathustra-On Reading and Writing

#4 ODearMoriah

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Posted 19 July 2013 - 11:24 PM

Ugh! I'm so dumb! At first I thought I was looking at the query forum so I was giving advice like this was a query, not a synopsis (I'm running on low sleep at the moment). I've already gone back and edited my misplaced advice. Sorry. I'll try to be more help in the future but for now the synopsis looks fairly good.

 

Haha!  Thanks for the feedback anyway.  I do have a query posted in the other thread, but I'm sitting on my revisions for a little while.  Do you have any suggestions as far as synopsis revision goes?  You don't have to go through line by line like you did before, but if there was anything that stood out, I'd appreciate the feedback.  Thanks and let me know if I can repay the favor! 


Creative fantasy, because it is mainly trying to do something else (make something new), may open your hoard and let all the locked things fly away like cage-birds.

-Tolkien

 

@ODearMoriah for Twitter stories.  A healthy dose of fiction.

Paracosms, Please for creative content under 140 words.


#5 ODearMoriah

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Posted 20 July 2013 - 09:21 AM

BD,
Thanks for the help! You're right about there being too many characters. After I posted this, I found a really useful template, and it mentioned naming three characters: the protagonist, the sidekick/love interest, and the main antagonist. I wrote a new draft addressing Nim, Jasper, Amaranth, and Malum by name. As they are the main anatogonists, I don't know how to go through the synopsis without referring both by name. I'll post the template link with my revision once I'm on my computer. Let me know if I can repay the favor. Thanks!

Creative fantasy, because it is mainly trying to do something else (make something new), may open your hoard and let all the locked things fly away like cage-birds.

-Tolkien

 

@ODearMoriah for Twitter stories.  A healthy dose of fiction.

Paracosms, Please for creative content under 140 words.


#6 Blooded Dragon

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Posted 20 July 2013 - 02:28 PM

BD,
Thanks for the help! You're right about there being too many characters. After I posted this, I found a really useful template, and it mentioned naming three characters: the protagonist, the sidekick/love interest, and the main antagonist. I wrote a new draft addressing Nim, Jasper, Amaranth, and Malum by name. As they are the main anatogonists, I don't know how to go through the synopsis without referring both by name. I'll post the template link with my revision once I'm on my computer. Let me know if I can repay the favor. Thanks!

I'm glad I helped. I was worried my advice wasn't that helpful. The synopsis is good for the most part, it just did have too many characters named. And, of course, if I was confused it was because I was tired. :P

 

If you want, you can look at my query, Kingdom of Dragons. And I'd be happy to help iron out your synopsis some more if you have another draft.


"Brave, unconcerned, mocking, violent--thus wisdom wants us: she is a woman and loves only a warrior."

-Friedrich Nietzsche, Thus Spoke Zarathustra-On Reading and Writing

#7 ODearMoriah

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Posted 20 July 2013 - 05:39 PM

http://www.publishin...-page-synopsis/
^That's the link I used to write this draft.

Ilios, a country of magic and modern marvels, is home to humans, wizards, and therians--beings who can turn into any animal at any time. Sixteen-year-old NIM is a therian who, as a baby, was found cursed and abandoned. She cannot transform at will, but is a bear by day and a human at night. While wistfully watching therians transform at a festival, Nim befriends JASPER, a wizard who keeps his empath abilities secret from her. After his state mandated mentor abandons him, Jasper stays with Nim and her adoptive father for a while.
The three live comfortably until a rich gentleman named MALUM TEAGUE offers to remove Nim’s curse if she agrees to live with his family. However, Jasper’s empath abilities tell him that Malum is not to be trusted, so Jasper attempts to break her curse on his own. He makes the curse far worse than ever before. Though she can now choose her animal shape, the transformation makes her violently ill. Nim has no choice but to agree to Malum’s terms, which angers Jasper. To make amends, Jasper attempts to visit her at the Teague estate, but he’s turned away. On their property, however, he discovers a menagerie full of therians, cursed to be animals every day, every night until they die. He frees them, and they warn that Nim’s in danger. Meanwhile, Malum’s wizard brother, AMARANTH, removes her curse. They plan to auction her off with other therians to buyers from a neighboring country who want bodyguards, pets, and sex slaves all rolled into one attractive package. Jasper rescues Nim, but sacrifices himself to Amaranth and Malum.
Amaranth believes he has enslaved Jasper with an enchantment, so he sends him to retrieve Nim, which gives the two a chance to contact a pack of local therians. The pack leader’s refusal to help indicates that he is a spy. Nim, Jasper, and several moral therians discover the betrayal and form a plan. The teenagers infiltrate the Teague’s estate by pretending to fall for an ambush, and their friends sneak in unnoticed, intending to contaminate the buyers’ dinner with a potion that will transform humans into turtles once Jasper recites an activating spell. However, Jasper and Nim are slapped with a branding spell that will bend them to Amaranth’s commands. Before the auction begins, Jasper attempts to collapse an underground exit so that the buyers cannot easily escape, but he is seemingly crushed when it goes wrong.
Without a wizard to activate the spell, the therians attempt to stop Amaranth without magic. Just as Amaranth is about to kill an attacker, Jasper appears and stops him. Knowing that Jasper’s still branded, Amaranth commands him to stop the therians. Jasper rebels against the magic, turns the buyers into turtles, and the therians attack their oppressors. However, Nim is unable to fight her own brand and Amaranth’s command to kill Jasper. She’s stopped by her mother who had been cursed in the menagerie. As the two struggle, Jasper kills Amaranth, which destroys Nim’s brand.
The buyers are arrested, the therians are freed, and Nim is reunited with her adopted and biological families. However, she understands that many therians have been sold over the years. She decides to find them and reunite them with their families. After she and Jasper finally act on their romantic feelings, she invites him to help her on her quest. Though Jasper should stay and be trained by his new mentor, he wants nothing more than to be with Nim.


Creative fantasy, because it is mainly trying to do something else (make something new), may open your hoard and let all the locked things fly away like cage-birds.

-Tolkien

 

@ODearMoriah for Twitter stories.  A healthy dose of fiction.

Paracosms, Please for creative content under 140 words.


#8 Blooded Dragon

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Posted 21 July 2013 - 10:18 AM

Hi! Thanks for helping me with my query. I hope I'll provide more help this time.

 

http://www.publishin...-page-synopsis/
^That's the link I used to write this draft.

Ilios, a country of magic and modern marvels, is home to humans, wizards, and therians--beings who can turn into any animal at any time. Sixteen-year-old NIM is a therian who, as a baby, was found cursed and abandoned. (Who found her? I have an image in my head of her being found and adopted by a village) She cannot transform at will, but is a bear by day and a human at night.

 

(Maybe say: One day?)While wistfully watching therians transform at a festival, Nim befriends JASPER, a wizard whose empathic abilities he keeps secret from her keeps his empath abilities secret from her. After his state mandated mentor abandons him, (Why was he abandoned? Is it really important?) Jasper stays with Nim and her adoptive father for a while.

The three live comfortably until a rich gentleman named MALUM TEAGUE offers to remove Nim’s curse if she agrees to live with his family. However, Jasper’s empathic abilities tell him that Malum is not to be trusted, so  When Jasper attempts to break her curse on his own he inadvertently makes the curse far worse than ever before. Though she Nim can now choose her animal shape, the transformation makes her violently ill. Nim has no choice but to agree to Malum’s terms, which angers Jasper. To make amends, Jasper attempts to visit her at the Teague estate, but he’s turned away. On their property, however, he discovers a menagerie full of therians, (How did he discover this? Was he snooping around?) cursed to be animals every day, every night until they die. He frees them, and they warn that Nim’s in danger. Meanwhile, Malum’s wizard brother, AMARANTH, removes her curse. They plan to auction her off with other therians to buyers from a neighboring country who want bodyguards, pets, and sex slaves all rolled into one attractive package. Jasper rescues Nim, but sacrifices  (I think offer would sound better. At first I thought he died to protect her but it later sounds like he tricked them)himself to Amaranth and Malum.

Amaranth believes  Believing he has enslaved Jasper with an enchantment, so he  Amaranth sends him to retrieve Nim, which gives the two a chance to contact a pack of local therians. The pack leader’s refusal to help indicates that he is a spy. Nim, Jasper, and several moral therians discover the betrayal and form a plan. The teenagers infiltrate the Teague’s estate by pretending to fall for an ambush, and their friends sneak in unnoticed, intending to contaminate the buyers’ dinner with a potion that will transform humans into turtles once Jasper recites an activating spell. However, Jasper and Nim are slapped with a branding spell that will bend them to Amaranth’s commands. Before the auction begins, Jasper attempts to collapse an underground exit so that the buyers cannot easily escape, but he is seemingly crushed when it goes wrong.

Without a wizard to activate the spell, the therians attempt to stop Amaranth without magic. Just as Amaranth is about to kill an attacker, Jasper appears and stops him. Knowing that Jasper’s still branded, Amaranth commands him to stop the therians. Jasper rebels against the magic, turns the buyers into turtles, and the therians attack their oppressors. However, Nim is unable to fight her own brand and Amaranth’s command to kill Jasper. She’s stopped by her mother (Her mother suddenly appears?) who had been cursed in the menagerie. As the two struggle, Jasper kills Amaranth, which destroys Nim’s brand. (What I'm getting so far is that Nim's parents were captured and cursed along with their daughter {Nim} and they managed to get her away when she was little. Maybe elaborate on that a little, it sounds like the best plot twist so far. Good!)

The buyers are arrested, the therians are freed, and Nim is reunited with her adopted and biological families. However, she understands that many therians have been sold over the years. She decides to find them and reunite them with their families. After she and Jasper finally act on their romantic feelings, (they had romantic feelings? You might say they acknowledge their romantic feelings instead of "finally act." If they were ever present you might say Jasper had a crush on her at the beginning of the synopsis.) she invites him to help her on her quest. Though Jasper should stay and be trained by his new mentor, he wants nothing more than to be with Nim.

 

Hope that helped. Thanks again for helping with my query.


"Brave, unconcerned, mocking, violent--thus wisdom wants us: she is a woman and loves only a warrior."

-Friedrich Nietzsche, Thus Spoke Zarathustra-On Reading and Writing

#9 Shellyblack123

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Posted 22 July 2013 - 01:20 PM

Hope this helps!!

 

Ilios, a country of magic and modern marvels, is home to humans, wizards, and therians--beings who can turn into any animal at any time. 

Sixteen-year-old NIM is a therian who, as a baby, was found cursed and abandoned.

She cannot transform at will, but is a bear by day and a human by night. While wistfully watching therians(too repetitive - her people, her kind,etc.)transform at a festival, Nim befriends Jasper, a wizard who keeps his empath abilities secret from her. After his state mandated mentor abandons him, Jasper stays with Nim and her adoptive father for a while (tell us more about their relationship,right now it's quite bare. Does she have a crush on him? does he like her? are there fireworks or do they have an odd connection that they could not explain? etc.).
The three live comfortably until a rich gentleman named MALUM TEAGUE offers to remove Nim’s curse if she agrees to live with his family. However, Jasper’s empath abilities tell him can sense that Malum is not to be trusted. He attempts to break her curse on his own - but instead - makes the curse far worse than ever before (explain how he feels about his mistake). Though she can now choose her animal shape, the each transformation makes her violently ill.

Nim has no choice but to agree to Malum’s terms, which angers Jasper (why? doesn't he want her to be well? isn't he her friend? or is he angry at malum? make this more clear). To make amends (so yeah, you need to make it clear that they fought and aren't speaking, how bad the argument really was cuz it sounds like it was really bad), Jasper attempts to visit her at the Teague estate, but he’s turned away. On their property, however, he discovers a menagerie full of therians, cursed to be animals every day, every night until they die (firstly - how does he feel about them. secondly - why is this such a terrible curse and in what condition does he find them?). He frees them, and they warn him confirm his suspicions - Nim is in danger.

Meanwhile, Malum’s wizard brother, AMARANTH, removes her curse (Do we really need the brother here? if they're going to sell her off why does he remove the curse? i'm a little confused with the brother's role in this story). They plan to auction her off with other therians to buyers from a neighboring country who want bodyguards, pets, and sex slaves all rolled into one attractive package (nice). Jasper rescues Nim (I have not yet heard one word about what she has gone through. put in a sentense that tells us if she is terrified, hopeful, treated well/badly, something to make us feel your characters, not just "know" about them), but sacrifices himself (sounds like he is killed, which he is clearly not, so just rephrase)to Amaranth and Malum.
Amaranth believes he has enslaved Jasper with an enchantment, so he sends him to retrieve Nim, which gives the two a chance to contact a pack of local therians. The pack leader’s refusal to help indicates that he is a spy (whoa, waaay to easy. that's it? he's a spy? you must explain more. how he is with them, how they suspect,how they discover. remember - this is not a query but a synopsis, you can tell us more!). Nim, Jasper, and several moral therians discover the betrayal and form a plan. The teenagers infiltrate the Teague’s estate by pretending to fall for an ambush, and their friends sneak in unnoticed, intending to contaminate the buyers’ dinner with a potion that will transform humans into turtles once Jasper recites an activating spell (that's awesome - just one thing - why is turning them into turtles bad? you make turtles sound like... ants or cockroaches?). However, Jasper and Nim are slapped with a branding spell that will bend them to Amaranth’s commands. Before the auction begins, Jasper attempts to collapse an underground exit so that the buyers cannot easily escape, but he is seemingly crushed when it goes wrong.
Without a wizard to activate the spell, the therians attempt to stop Amaranth without magic. Just as Amaranth is about to kill an attacker, Jasper appears and stops him. Knowing that Jasper’s still branded, Amaranth commands him to stop the therians. Jasper rebels against the magic, turns the buyers into turtles, and the therians attack their oppressors. However, Nim is unable to fight her own brand and Amaranth’s command to kill Jasper. She’s stopped by her mother who had been cursed in the menagerie (up until now - great - but now it's wonky. you must introduce the mother sooner, this feels like an ambush that we are supposed to just accept). As the two struggle, Jasper kills Amaranth, which destroys Nim’s brand.
The buyers are arrested, the therians are freed, and Nim is reunited with her adopted and biological families. However, she understands that many therians have been sold over the years. She decides to find them and reunite them with their families. After she and Jasper finally act on their romantic feelings, she invites him to help her on her quest. Though Jasper should stay and be trained by his new mentor, he wants nothing more than to be with Nim. 

 

** Ok, so big general note: yes, this is a query. But that doesn't mean this cannot be just as thrilling, a wild ride, as your actual novel is. There needs to be a voice here. Hoe is your voice in the novel? dark? funny? mysterious? heavy? light? etc. We want to feel your characters, I want to know how Jasper feels everything he has done. And you throw away their romantic feelings like it's nothing - it's huge! introduce it sooner and make a deal of it! What is it about Nim that attracts Jasper? cuz right now she seems pretty passive and boring, and I know she isn't. I wanna know more about her. What about Jasper excites her? Just that he's a warrior? must be more than that. And the "bad" guys - I wanna really hate them. Right now i'm kinda bla about them, because you don't describe them at all. An agent doesn't just look for a plot. They look mostly for characters they wanna hang out with, that they want to know. Give it to them!! **



#10 ODearMoriah

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Posted 28 July 2013 - 12:52 PM

Here is my newest draft.  Please let me know what you think, and let me know how I can repay the favor.

Thanks!

 

 

Ilios is home to humans, wizards, and therians—beings who can turn into any animal at any time. Sixteen-year-old NIM is a therian who was cursed and abandoned as a baby. She longs to know the fate of her biological family, but she enjoys a comfortable upbringing with an adoptive father. Because the spell forces her to be a bear by day and a human at night, she has difficulties making friends until she meets JASPER, an earth wizard with unusual empath abilities.

Nim, though beginning to fall in love with Jasper, considers the offer of a gentleman named MALUM TEAGUE, who will remove her curse if she’ll live with his family. Jasper’s empathy suggests that Malum’s not trustworthy, so he attempts to break her curse himself. He had hoped to be Nim’s hero and to keep her from Malum, but he makes the curse worse than before. The transformation now makes her violently ill. For the sake of her health, she must agree to Malum’s terms. Jasper accepts this until he realizes that the much older Malum sexually desires Nim. After Jasper causes an embarrassing scene out of jealousy, he attempts to make amends and visit her at the Teagues’ estate, but he’s turned away. Determined, he trespasses and discovers a menagerie full of therians—including Nim’s biological mother—who are cursed to be animals every day, every night until they die. He frees them, and they warn that Nim’s in danger. Meanwhile, Malum’s brother, the wizard AMARANTH, finally and completely removes her curse. But as she’s no longer hindered by the spell, they plan to auction her off with other therians to foreigners who want bodyguards, pets, and sex slaves all rolled into one attractive package. Jasper rescues Nim, but is taken prisoner as she escapes.

Amaranth foolishly believes he has enslaved Jasper with an enchantment, so he sends him to retrieve Nim. Rather than escaping home, the two warn a pack of local therians about the Teagues and discuss liberating the captives waiting for auction. The pack leader refuses to help, and after they spy on him, the heroes realize he has been selling members of his own pack to the Teagues.  The leader’s liaison, a seductive therian with her own motives, believes that Amaranth’s arrogance—evident by his underestimation of Jasper—will be his downfall. Amaranth can be stopped for good if they can exploit his paranoia and conceit.

Nim and Jasper infiltrate the estate by pretending to fall for an ambush. Their comrades sneak in afterwards and contaminate a feast with a potion. Once activated by Jasper, the potion will transform those who eat it into turtles. However, he and Nim are slapped with magical brands that will bend them to Amaranth’s commands. Nim is nearly raped by Malum, but a rescuer kills him.  After hiding the body, Nim goes to the auction to fulfill their plans. Jasper attempts to collapse an underground exit so that their enemies cannot easily escape, but he’s seemingly crushed when it goes wrong.

Without a wizard to activate the spell, their allies attempt to stop Amaranth without magic. Before Amaranth can kill a would-be assassin, Jasper—strengthened, rather than weakened, by the earthen tunnel—stops him. Knowing that Jasper’s still branded, Amaranth commands him to stop the therians, but Jasper rebels against the magic, turns the buyers into turtles, and assists the therians in attacking the Teagues. However, Nim is unable to fight against Amaranth’s command to kill Jasper. She’s stopped by her mother, and as the two struggle, Jasper kills Amaranth, which destroys his control over Nim. The buyers are arrested, the therians are freed, and Nim is reunited with her adopted and biological families. She decides to find previously sold therians and reunite them with their families. Jasper decides to follow Nim wherever she goes.


Creative fantasy, because it is mainly trying to do something else (make something new), may open your hoard and let all the locked things fly away like cage-birds.

-Tolkien

 

@ODearMoriah for Twitter stories.  A healthy dose of fiction.

Paracosms, Please for creative content under 140 words.


#11 cnhull

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Posted 30 July 2013 - 11:12 AM

I think some formatting stuff got messed up in the copy and paste.  I know it happened to me when I pasted mine.  So I'm guessing at your paragraph structure.    

 

 

 

Here is my newest draft.  Please let me know what you think, and let me know how I can repay the favor.

Thanks!

 

 

Ilios is home to humans, wizards, and therians—beings who can turn into any animal at any time. Sixteen-year-old NIM is a therian who was cursed and abandoned as a baby. She longs to know the fate of her biological family, but she enjoys a comfortable upbringing with an her (keep it personal in regards to your characters, not objective) adoptive father. Because the spell curse (keep your wordage the same.  It's a curse from the start so it's a curse to the end.  This helps to make sure no one gets confused and thinks you are talking about a difference 'curse' or 'spell.')  forces her to be a bear by day and a human at by night, she has difficulties making friends This makes me think 'why?'  And the answer to that why is probably not important enough to be in the synopsis.  If it is, then go for it and tell me 'why.'  until she meets JASPER, an earth wizard with unusual empath abilities.  Since 'therian' is a word unique to your story, I would actually italicize it the first time it's used.  As if it were a foreign language word used in a English novel; just to let the person reading know 'don't wrack your brain, don't go scramble for a dictionary: I've made that one up.'  I don't know if I'm making that clear or not, but if you're confused by what I'm trying to say, ask, and I'll try harder.  

 

Nim, though beginning to fall in love with Jasper, considers the offer of a gentleman named MALUM TEAGUE, who will remove her curse if she’ll live with his family. Jasper’s empathy suggests that Malum’s Malum is not trustworthy, so he attempts to break her curse himself. He had hoped to be Nim’s hero and to keep her from Malum, but he makes the curse worse than before. The transformation now makes her violently ill. For the sake of her health, she must agree to Malum’s terms. Jasper accepts this until he realizes that the much older Malum sexually desires Nim. After Jasper causes an embarrassing scene out of jealousy, he attempts to make amends and visit her at the Teagues’ estate, but he’s turned away. Determined, he trespasses and discovers a menagerie full of therians—including Nim’s biological mother—who are cursed to be animals every day, every night until they die. He frees them, and they warn that Nim’s in danger. Meanwhile, Malum’s brother, the wizard AMARANTH, finally and completely removes her curse. But as she’s no longer hindered by the spell, they plan to auction her off with other therians to foreigners who want bodyguards, pets, and sex slaves all rolled into one attractive package. Jasper rescues Nim, but is taken prisoner as she escapes.  For me, this paragraph started or perhaps got interesting at 'Determined.'  The preceding establishes love interest but seemed to take too long to get where it got.  Also, everything before 'determined' was passive which kinda makes me think you liked the second half of the paragraph better as well.  (Actually your entire synopsis but that paragraph is active--as it should be--except for the beginning of this paragraph.)  The second half had more energy, as if you were more excited to communicate that portion than the previous bit.  I'll try...  "Nim and Jasper's burgeoning romance is interrupted by MALUM TEAGUE, a sexy beast who claims to be able to do what Jasper can't: lift Nim's curse.  While Jasper if jealous his empath ability warns him against Malum as he sense ulterior motives.  "  I think the content in the first have is important, it only needs to come out much faster.         

 

In his arrogance, Amaranth foolishly believes he has enslaved Jasper with an enchantment, so he  and sends him to retrieve Nim. Rather than escaping home, the two warn a pack of local therians about the Teagues and discuss liberating the captives waiting for auction. Wait, I've missed something: I though Jasper set them free?  'Escape?' Are the Teagues in a different land/country? I thought they already escape from the house? The pack leader refuses to help, and after they spy on him,  the heroes I'd spell it out: Jasper and Nim  realize he has been selling members of his own pack to the Teagues.  The leader’s liaison, a seductive therian with her own motives, believes that Amaranth’s arrogance—evident by his underestimation of Jasper—will be his downfall. Amaranth can be stopped for good if they can exploit his paranoia and conceit.  I don't like going here: this is the only vague bit you've written in the entire synopsis.  

 

Nim and Jasper infiltrate the estate by pretending to fall for an ambush. Their comrades sneak in afterwards and contaminate a feast with a potion. Once activated by Jasper, the potion will transform those who eat it into turtles. However, he and Nim are slapped with magical brands that will bend them to Amaranth’s commands. Nim is nearly raped by Malum, but a rescuer kills him.  After hiding the body, Nim goes to the auction to fulfill their plans.  State the plan and then I think all will be clear to me.  Jasper attempts to collapse an underground exit so that their enemies cannot easily escape, but he’s seemingly crushed when it goes wrong.  I feel like there is a third party that needs to be established: we've killed Malum but still go to auction?  Why?  Sorry, I don't have specific to share but I'm really confused by this paragraph.   

 

Without a wizard to activate the spell, their allies attempt to stop Amaranth without magic. Before Amaranth can kill a would-be assassin, Jasper—strengthened, rather than weakened, by the earthen tunnel—stops him. Knowing that Jasper’s still branded, Amaranth commands him to stop the therians, but Jasper rebels against the magic, turns the buyers into turtles, and assists the therians in attacking the Teagues.  Okay!  So we have a "jasper's coming out" party!  Great.  Focus on that, he has grown, developed or whatever and gotten better at magic from when he was previously unable to help Nim.  Reading this is only now giving me direction for some previous parts of the synopsis.  However, Nim is unable to fight against Amaranth’s command to kill Jasper. She’s stopped by her mother, and as the two struggle, Jasper kills Amaranth, which destroys his control over Nim. The buyers are arrested, by who? surly this auction is happening in a place where such activities aren't frowned upon  the therians are freed, and Nim is reunited with her adopted and biological families. She decides to find previously sold therians and reunite them with their families. Jasper decides to follow Nim wherever she goes.  I need to know explicitly if Nim's mother died... 

 

 

 

Sorry for all the blocks of red.  I actually this is pretty strong.  I hope some of it proves helpful.  



#12 MJadeRivera

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Posted 31 July 2013 - 10:42 AM

I only half-agree with cnhull. I would definitely keep the "she has difficulties making friends" for several reason.

1. It's a look into your character's emotional state. It is the synopsis, but you still want clues hinting at who your mc really is; characters sell novels, not plots, if you ask me. Though an awesome plot never did anything but help ;)

2. I wasn't confused. She's a bear in the day. Who's going to make friends with a bear? And the dead of night isn't exactly the time where I go outside to make friends.

3. Jasper is her first friend, which thereby illustrates the relationship between them. Best friends soon turned romantic.

 

And I got all of that implication through two sentences.

 

In my opinion, the best synopsis gives you the bones of the story while implying the meat. That's what those sentences did for me--and were actually my favorite of the whole synopsis, therefore.

 

Just one very specific critique. I know when you say "who want bodyguards, pets, and sex slaves all rolled into one attractive package" you're saying they run a super-man sex slave deal, and they sell many therians to keep it running, but I think the sentence would flow better if you keep it personal. you mention Jasper finds the menagerie, so we'll know later its a big scheme. For now, I'd recommend saying "who want a bodyguard, pet, and sex slave all rolled into one attractive package." This sentence's use of plural applied to single Nim gave me pause and made me reread it before; that's why I'm telling you this. You don't want an agent to pause, you want them to flow on through.

 

 Also, since they want a sex slave, I'm already assuming she's attractive. Though I do like how that implies she's beautiful, I'd say it's not important enough to keep. But in the end, it's your choice. :) And beyond that, this synopsis had gotten so much better since the first version. I love this version! That's why it deserves to be the best

 

Thanks for your advice on my synopsis and for the website link! It's going to be so helpful. All the rules I didn't know before, whee! I'm so excited to meet them ;) Also, feel free to message me or whatever when you put up a new version. I'd love to see what comes of it. 



#13 ODearMoriah

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Posted 11 January 2015 - 04:02 AM

Hey guys! I thought I would dust of the ol' synopsis. I'm struggling because I have three POV characters (Nim, Jasper, and Ursola), and I want to mention them all by name in the query, but I'm not sure I give enough info about Ursola. Do I need to add more? I'd hate to make it much longer...

Anyway, let me know what you think, and if you include the name of your story, I'll be more than happy to repay the favor  :biggrin:. Thanks!!

 

Ilios—a country similar to 1915 America—is home to humans, wizards, and therians—beings who can transform into any animal at any time. One such therian, sixteen-year-old NIM, suffers from a curse that inhibits her shape shifting; by day, she is a bear, and at night, she is human. Because of the curse, she has difficulties making friends beyond her adoptive father. She longs for the freedom to transform whenever she wants.

 

At a local competition, she meets JASPER, a novice wizard with very unique powers. The two playfully spar, and she attracts the attention of a rich gentleman who claims to be her long-lost uncle. He offers to break her curse if she agrees to leave her adoptive father. 

 

Nim is upset by the idea of leaving her family, so she convinces Jasper to break her curse instead. However, because Jasper is grossly untrained, the attempt backfires, and he mutilates the curse. Now, when Nim transforms, she experiences excruciating agony. Her only hope of relief is to accept the gentleman’s terms, and when she does, the man’s brother, AMARANTH, breaks her curse. Finally, she’s free to transform—until he brands her with a spell binding her to his will. Amaranth and his family had lied, and they actually plan to auction off Nim with other enslaved therians. To keep local therian packs under his thumb, Amaranth also kidnaps, curses, and traps select therians in a menagerie.

 

When Amaranth won’t let Nim’s family see her, Jasper breaks into the mansion. He discovers the menagerie and its most notable prisoner: URSOLA, Nims’ mother. Jasper frees Ursola and rescues Nim, but just as they’re about to escape, a very powerful wizard stops them. The only way to save Nim is for Jasper to sacrifice himself.

 

The fact that Jasper and the other enslaved therians had been left behind devastates Nim. She attempts to contact the police, but they are paid by Amaranth’s family and nearly recapture her. So instead, she allies with a therian pack leader whose brother had been cursed by Amaranth.

 

On the day of the auction, Nim breaks into the mansion and laces the buyers’ dinner with part of a potion that will turn them into turtles. She is soon captured, rebranded, and made to stand on a pedestal as the buyers inspect the therians. The pack attempts to release the potion’s trigger, but fail, so Nim tricks Amaranth into letting her get close enough to release the trigger herself. As turtles, the buyers are unable to wield magic or participate in the fight in any meaningful way. Amaranth orders Nim and the enslaved therians to kill her allies, and as Nim attacks her friends, Jasper escapes his cell and uses his unique abilities to stop the fighting. He tells Nim to do the opposite of whatever Amaranth commands. However, this backfires when Amaranth orders Nim to save him, which results in her killing him. The locations of previously sold therians are lost with his death.

 

After the auction, Nim and Ursola agree to build a relationship, though Nim doesn’t believe she can be the daughter Ursola had longed for. Nim and Jasper decide to search for previously sold therians despite having little to go on, and they express their growing feelings toward one another.


Creative fantasy, because it is mainly trying to do something else (make something new), may open your hoard and let all the locked things fly away like cage-birds.

-Tolkien

 

@ODearMoriah for Twitter stories.  A healthy dose of fiction.

Paracosms, Please for creative content under 140 words.


#14 Ireth

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Posted 11 January 2015 - 08:37 PM

Thanks so much for your feedback in my synopsis for Winter's Queen! I'm happy to return the favor. :)

 

Hey guys! I thought I would dust of the ol' synopsis. I'm struggling because I have three POV characters (Nim, Jasper, and Ursola), and I want to mention them all by name in the query, but I'm not sure I give enough info about Ursola. Do I need to add more? I'd hate to make it much longer...

Anyway, let me know what you think, and if you include the name of your story, I'll be more than happy to repay the favor  :biggrin:. Thanks!!

 

Ilios—a country similar to 1915 America—is home to humans, wizards, and therians—beings who can transform into any animal at any time. (If at all possible, I'd cut back on the em-dashes in this sentence.) One such therian, sixteen-year-old NIM, suffers from a curse that inhibits her shape shifting; by day, she is a bear, and at night, she is human. Because of the curse, she has difficulties making friends beyond her adoptive father. She longs for the freedom to transform whenever she wants.

 

At a local competition, she meets JASPER, a novice wizard with very unique powers. (Since these powers aren't really elaborated on here, is it necessary to say they're unique?) The two playfully spar, and she attracts the attention of a rich gentleman who claims to be her long-lost uncle. He offers to break her curse if she agrees to leave her adoptive father. 

 

Nim is upset by the idea of leaving her family, so she convinces Jasper to break her curse instead. However, because Jasper is grossly untrained, the attempt backfires, and he mutilates the curse. Now, when Nim transforms, she experiences excruciating agony. ("Excruciating agony" seems a tad redundant. I think "excruciating pain" will do.) Her only hope of relief is to accept the gentleman’s terms, and when she does, the man’s brother, AMARANTH, breaks her curse. Finally, she’s free to transform—until he brands her with a spell binding her to his will. Amaranth and his family had lied(colon) and they actually plan to auction off Nim with other enslaved therians. To keep local therian packs under his thumb, Amaranth also kidnaps, curses, and traps select therians in a menagerie.

 

When Amaranth won’t let Nim’s family see her, Jasper breaks into the mansion. He discovers the menagerie and its most notable prisoner: URSOLA, Nims’ (apostrophe between the m and s) mother. (Very fitting name! I like it.) Jasper frees Ursola and rescues Nim, but just as they’re about to escape, a very powerful wizard stops them. The only way to save Nim is for Jasper to sacrifice himself.

 

The fact that Jasper and the other enslaved therians had been left behind devastates Nim. (This sentence might benefit by moving Nim up to the front. Of course, then you have passive voice to contend with, but such is a necessary evil at times.) She attempts to contact the police, but they are paid by Amaranth’s family and nearly recapture her. So Instead, she allies with a therian pack leader whose brother had been cursed by Amaranth.

 

On the day of the auction, Nim breaks into the mansion and laces the buyers’ dinner with part of a potion that will turn them into turtles. She is soon captured, rebranded, and made to stand on a pedestal as the buyers inspect the therians. The pack attempts to release the potion’s trigger, but fail, so Nim tricks Amaranth into letting her get close enough to release the trigger herself. As turtles, the buyers are unable to wield magic or participate in the fight in any meaningful way. Amaranth orders Nim and the enslaved therians to kill her allies, and as Nim attacks her friends, Jasper escapes his cell and uses his unique abilities to stop the fighting. He tells Nim to do the opposite of whatever Amaranth commands. However, this backfires when Amaranth orders Nim to save him, which results in her killing him. The locations of previously sold therians are lost with his death.

 

After the auction, Nim and Ursola agree to build a relationship, though Nim doesn’t believe she can be the daughter Ursola had longed for. Nim and Jasper decide to search for previously sold therians despite having little to go on, and they express their growing feelings toward one another.


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#15 ODearMoriah

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Posted 11 January 2015 - 09:34 PM

Do you think this is OK?: "Ilios, a country similar to 1915 America, is home to humans, wizards, and therians—beings who can..."

​I was worried that the commas after Ilios would be weird, but I definitely want to keep the em dash after therians. I think otherwise, it might read that there are four types of people: humans, wizards, therians, and beings who can shape shift. I know technically it won't say that, but I don't want it to sound confusing anyway. Or do you think a comma after therian would still make sense if I left the em dashes after Ilios?


Creative fantasy, because it is mainly trying to do something else (make something new), may open your hoard and let all the locked things fly away like cage-birds.

-Tolkien

 

@ODearMoriah for Twitter stories.  A healthy dose of fiction.

Paracosms, Please for creative content under 140 words.


#16 Ireth

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Posted 11 January 2015 - 09:54 PM

I think it works best with the commas around "a country similar to 1915 America" and the em-dash before the explanations of what therians are. :)


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#17 ODearMoriah

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Posted 13 January 2015 - 06:22 PM

Question: I mentioned Jasper's unique abilities because it's how he's able to stop the fighting at the end. Do you think that's OK?

Thanks for any suggestions, and I'll gladly read any synopsis, query, or 250 words if you mention them below!!  :biggrin: 

 

 

Ilios, a country similar to 1915 America, is home to humans, wizards, and therians—beings who can transform into any animal at any time. One such therian, sixteen-year-old NIM, suffers from a curse that inhibits her shape shifting; by day, she is a bear, and at night, she is human. Because of the curse, she has difficulties making friends beyond her adoptive father. She longs for the freedom to transform whenever she wants.

 

At a local competition, she meets JASPER, a novice wizard with very unique powers. The two playfully spar, and she attracts the attention of a rich gentleman who claims to be her long-lost uncle. He offers to break her curse if she agrees to leave her adoptive father. 

 

Nim is upset by the idea of leaving her family, so she convinces Jasper to break her curse instead. However, because Jasper is grossly untrained, the attempt backfires, and he mutilates the curse. Now, when Nim transforms, she experiences excruciating pain. Her only hope for relief is to accept the gentleman’s terms, and when she does, the man’s brother, AMARANTH TEAGUE, breaks her curse. Finally, she’s free to transform—until Amaranth brands her with a spell binding her to his will. The Teague family had lied: they plan to auction off Nim with other enslaved therians. To keep local therian packs under his thumb, Amaranth also kidnaps, curses, and traps select therians in a menagerie.

 

When Amaranth won’t let Nim’s family see her, Jasper breaks into the mansion. He discovers the menagerie and its most notable prisoner: URSOLA, Nim’s mother. Jasper frees Ursola and rescues Nim, but just as they’re about to escape, a very powerful wizard stops them. The only way to save Nim is for Jasper to sacrifice himself.

 

Nim is devastated that Jasper and the other enslaved therians had been left behind. She attempts to contact the police, but they are paid by Amaranth’s family and nearly recapture her. So instead, she allies with a therian pack leader whose brother had been cursed by Amaranth.

 

On the day of the auction, Nim breaks into the mansion and laces the buyers’ dinner with part of a potion that will turn them into turtles. She is soon captured, rebranded, and made to stand on a pedestal as the buyers inspect the therians. The pack attempts to release the potion’s trigger, but fail, so Nim tricks Amaranth into letting her get close enough to release the trigger herself. As turtles, the buyers are unable to wield magic or participate in the fight in any meaningful way. Amaranth orders Nim and the enslaved therians to kill her allies, and as Nim attacks her friends, Jasper escapes his cell and uses his unique abilities to stop the fighting. He tells Nim to do the opposite of whatever Amaranth commands. However, this backfires when Amaranth orders Nim to save him, which results in her killing him. The locations of previously sold therians are lost with his death.

 

After the auction, Nim and Ursola agree to build a relationship, though Nim doubts she can be the daughter Ursola had longed for. Nim and Jasper decide to search for previously sold therians despite having little to go on, and they express their growing feelings toward one another.


Creative fantasy, because it is mainly trying to do something else (make something new), may open your hoard and let all the locked things fly away like cage-birds.

-Tolkien

 

@ODearMoriah for Twitter stories.  A healthy dose of fiction.

Paracosms, Please for creative content under 140 words.


#18 Ireth

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Posted 13 January 2015 - 07:52 PM

Question: I mentioned Jasper's unique abilities because it's how he's able to stop the fighting at the end. Do you think that's OK?

Thanks for any suggestions, and I'll gladly read any synopsis, query, or 250 words if you mention them below!!  :biggrin: 

 

 

Ilios, a country similar to 1915 America, is home to humans, wizards, and therians—beings who can transform into any animal at any time. One such therian, sixteen-year-old NIM, suffers from a curse that inhibits her shape shifting; by day, she is a bear, and at night, she is human. Because of the curse, she has difficulties making friends beyond her adoptive father. She longs for the freedom to transform whenever she wants.

 

At a local competition, she meets JASPER, a novice wizard with very unique powers. (Maybe you can give some specifics as to what makes his powers unique.) The two playfully spar, and she attracts the attention of a rich gentleman who claims to be her long-lost uncle. He offers to break her curse if she agrees to leave her adoptive father. 

 

Nim is upset by the idea of leaving her family, so she convinces Jasper to break her curse instead. However, because Jasper is grossly untrained, the attempt backfires, and he mutilates (not sure if this is the right word) the curse. Now, when Nim transforms, she experiences excruciating pain. Her only hope for relief is to accept the gentleman’s terms, and when she does, the man’s brother, AMARANTH TEAGUE, breaks her curse. Finally, she’s free to transform—until Amaranth brands her with a spell binding her to his will. The Teague family had lied: they plan to auction off Nim with other enslaved therians. To keep local therian packs under his thumb, Amaranth also kidnaps, curses, and traps select therians in a menagerie.

 

When Amaranth won’t let Nim’s family see her, Jasper breaks into the mansion. He discovers the menagerie and its most notable prisoner: URSOLA, Nim’s mother. Jasper frees Ursola and rescues Nim, but just as they’re about to escape, a very powerful wizard stops them. The only way to save Nim is for Jasper to sacrifice himself.

 

Nim is devastated that Jasper and the other enslaved therians have been left behind. She attempts to contact the police, but they are paid by Amaranth’s family and nearly recapture her. So instead, she allies with a therian pack leader whose brother had been cursed by Amaranth.

 

On the day of the auction, Nim breaks into the mansion and laces the buyers’ dinner with part of a potion that will turn them into turtles. She is soon captured, rebranded, and made to stand on a pedestal as the buyers inspect the therians. The pack attempts to release the potion’s trigger, but fail, so Nim tricks Amaranth into letting her get close enough to release the trigger herself. As turtles, the buyers are unable to wield magic or participate in the fight in any meaningful way. Amaranth orders Nim and the enslaved therians to kill her allies, and as Nim attacks her friends, Jasper escapes his cell and uses his unique abilities to stop the fighting. (Again, be a little more specific about what he does.) He tells Nim to do the opposite of whatever Amaranth commands. However, this backfires when Amaranth orders Nim to save him, which results in her killing him. The locations of previously sold therians are lost with his death.

 

After the auction, Nim and Ursola agree to build a relationship, though Nim doubts she can be the daughter Ursola had longed for. Nim and Jasper decide to search for previously sold therians despite having little to go on, and they express their growing feelings toward one another.


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#19 lionspaws

lionspaws

    lionspaws

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Posted 14 January 2015 - 06:05 PM

Ilios, a country similar to 1915 America, is home to humans, wizards, and therians—beings who can transform into any animal at any time. One such therian, sixteen-year-old NIM, suffers from a curse that inhibits her shape shifting; by day, she is a bear, and at night, she is human. Because of the curse, she has difficulties making friends beyond her adoptive father. She longs for the freedom to transform whenever she wants. Why is she cursed/by whom? 

 

At a local competition, she meets JASPER, a novice wizard with very unique powers. The two playfully spar, and she attracts the attention of a rich gentleman who claims to be her long-lost uncle. He offers to break her curse if she agrees to leave her adoptive father. What is the competition for? When you say spar I picture sword fighting, but she's still a bear, right? So as a bear can she communicate with humans? And who is her adoptive father? 

 

Nim is upset by the idea of leaving her family, so she convinces Jasper to break her curse instead. However, because Jasper is grossly untrained, the attempt backfires, and he mutilates the curse. Now, when Nim transforms, she experiences excruciating pain. Her only hope for relief is to accept the gentleman’s terms, and when she does, the man’s brother, AMARANTH TEAGUE, breaks her curse. Finally, she’s free to transform—until Amaranth brands her with a spell binding her to his will. The Teague family had lied: they plan to auction off Nim with other enslaved therians. To keep local therian packs under his thumb, Amaranth also kidnaps, curses, and traps select therians in a menagerie.

 

When Amaranth won’t let Nim’s family see her, Jasper breaks into the mansion. He discovers the menagerie and its most notable prisoner: URSOLA, Nim’s mother. Jasper frees Ursola and rescues Nim, but just as they’re about to escape, a very powerful wizard stops them. The only way to save Nim is for Jasper to sacrifice himself. So why would his sacrificing himself save her? 

 

Nim is devastated that Jasper and the other enslaved therians had been left behind. She attempts to contact the police, but they are paid by Amaranth’s family and nearly recapture her. So instead, she allies with a therian pack leader whose brother had been cursed by Amaranth.

 

On the day of the auction, Nim breaks into the mansion and laces the buyers’ dinner with part of a potion that will turn them into turtles. But She is soon captured, rebranded, and made to stand on a pedestal as the buyers inspect the therians. The pack attempts to release the potion’s trigger, but fail, so Nim tricks Amaranth into letting her get close enough to release the trigger herself. As turtles, the buyers are unable to wield magic or participate in the fight in any meaningful way. Amaranth orders Nim and the enslaved therians to kill her allies, and as Nim attacks her friends, Jasper escapes his cell and uses his unique abilities to stop the fighting. He tells Nim to do the opposite of whatever Amaranth commands. However, this backfires when Amaranth orders Nim to save him, which results in her killing him. The locations of previously sold therians are lost with his death.

 

After the auction, Nim and Ursola agree to build a relationship, though Nim doubts she can be the daughter Ursola had longed for. Nim and Jasper decide to search for previously sold therians despite having little to go on, and they express their growing feelings toward one another.

 

I know it's so hard to write a synopsis, and I'm not saying those are facts you necessarily need to include, but those are the questions that came to mind as I read. Thank you for your comments on DREAMER! 


http://agentquerycon...sail-the-stars/

http://agentquerycon...ique-in-return/

 

"You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus." - Mark Twain 

"There are no rules of architecture for a castle in the clouds." - G.K. Chesterton 






Also tagged with one or more of these keywords: Fiction, Fantasy, Young Adult

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