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#1 khaulamazhar

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Posted 02 October 2013 - 01:32 PM

Haven't been here in a long time. I am still in the process of writing, but queries always end up taking more brain power than the novel so here it is : 

 

When teen genius and homicide detective Natasha Damiri looks into the ritualistic murder of Janice Sinclair, she discovers Senator Sinclair didn't bother to mention the dead girl in Janice's bedroom isn't the real Janice.

 

During the ever more puzzling investigation Natasha crosses paths with Mehdi, the future leader of a steadily growing cult, and the prime suspect in a case that leads to a tangle of murders ranging from a young blackmailer to the President of the United States. And a race for power in the Middle East. 

 

 

Thanks in advance for all the help  :happy:

 

New Query at #13

 

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New Query at #27



#2 andycp1999

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Posted 02 October 2013 - 02:47 PM

Haven't been here in a long time. I am still in the process of writing, but queries always end up taking more brain power than the novel so here it is : 

 

When teen genius and homicide detective Natasha Damiri looks into the ritualistic murder of Janice Sinclair, she discovers Senator Sinclair didn't bother to mention the dead girl in Janice's bedroom isn't the real Janice.

 

The "and" threw me off. I thought you had a compound subject referring to two people and had a subject/verb agreement problem. I suggest changing it to "When teen genius, homicide detective Natasha Damiri..." Also is it completely necessary to even mention Senator Sinclair? Why not "...she discovers that the dead girl in the bedroom isn't really Janice." If Senator Sinclair is included then I'd like to know his relevance to the case. 

 

During the ever more puzzling investigation Natasha crosses paths with Mehdi, the future leader of a steadily growing cult, and the prime suspect in a case that leads to a tangle of murders ranging from a young blackmailer to the President of the United States. And a race for power in the Middle East. 

 

I like that this pitch is nice and short, but can you be a little more specific as to what Natasha intends to do to stop Mehdi? What's his connection to the race for power in the Middle East? Is he a future candidate? 

 

Thanks in advance for all the help  :happy:



#3 Brent Pope

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Posted 02 October 2013 - 03:55 PM

Haven't been here in a long time. I am still in the process of writing, but queries always end up taking more brain power than the novel so here it is : 

 

When teen genius and homicide detective Natasha Damiri looks into the a ritualistic murder of Janice Sinclair, she discovers the girls' victim's father Senator Sinclair didn't doesn't bother to mention that the dead girl corpse in Janice's her bedroom isn't the real actually Janice his daughter. [I'm not usually in favor of "that" but it seemed to need it here. Also, I'm iffy about eliminating "homicide detective" from your opening clause. The character is compelling even before any action happens.] 

 

During the ever more puzzling investigation Natasha crosses paths with Mehdi, the future leader-in-waiting of a steadily growing cult, and the prime suspect in a case that leads to a tangle of murders ranging from a young blackmailer to the President of the United States. And a race for power in the Middle East. 

 

 

Thanks in advance for all the help  :happy:

Overall, it just seems like it needs more details. Natasha sounds cool, though.



#4 XanderIronheart

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Posted 03 October 2013 - 12:24 AM

Haven't been here in a long time. I am still in the process of writing, but queries always end up taking more brain power than the novel so here it is : 

 

When teen genius and homicide detective Natasha Damiri looks into the ritualistic murder of Janice Sinclair, she discovers Senator Sinclair didn't bother to mention the dead girl in Janice's bedroom isn't the real Janice.

 

During further the ever more puzzling investigation Natasha crosses paths with Mehdi, the future leader of a steadily growing cult, and the prime suspect in a case that leads to a tangle of murders ranging from a young blackmailer to the President of the United States. And a race for power in the Middle East

 

 

Thanks in advance for all the help  :happy:

*United States, and a race....

 

I just revised my query on which you gave your input. Please give it a second look if you get time. :) Thanks



#5 marie92

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Posted 04 October 2013 - 03:42 PM

I love the title of your story, it is very enticing. It made me want to read the query immediately. I am not an expert but I think you have a great start. I think you should get rid of the and between "teen genius and homicide detective..." and let it read "teen genius, homicide detective." Also tell us more about how Senator Sinclair is tied with the case. Let us know a little more detail as to what the book is about. 



#6 Lily white

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Posted 07 October 2013 - 03:21 PM

Hello i have been reading a few queries on this site and this is the shortest i have come across, i agree with the others that it needs a little more details. All the best.



#7 SSeufert

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Posted 07 October 2013 - 04:37 PM

I like this query, but there are some unanswered questions to me.  I would like to see the first sentence clarified/cleaned up a bit.  I have to admit I had to read it a couple of times to understand it.  Maybe focus on that first.  I was reading so quickly that I overlooked that "Janice" is the same as the Senator.



#8 kimerickson

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Posted 07 October 2013 - 09:21 PM

I get that you kept it simple, but you need a bit more to your query. Delve a bit more into the plot. Overall, okay for your first round.



#9 Cheryl B. Dale

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Posted 08 October 2013 - 03:51 PM

Haven't been here in a long time. I am still in the process of writing, but queries always end up taking more brain power than the novel so here it is : 

 

When teen genius and homicide detective Natasha Damiri looks into the ritualistic murder of Janice Sinclair, she discovers Senator Sinclair didn't bother to mention the dead girl in Janice's bedroom isn't the real Janice.

 

During the ever more puzzling investigation Natasha crosses paths with Mehdi, the future leader of a steadily growing cult, and the prime suspect in a case that leads to a tangle of murders ranging from a young blackmailer to the President of the United States. And a race for power in the Middle East. 

 

 

Thanks in advance for all the help  :happy:

 

So what's the conflict? Natasha wants to solve Janice's murder but can't because???? Natasha wants to find out who the victim is but can't because??? Natasha wants to find Janice but can't because???

 

A lot of choices here. I think the first thing you need to do is make the conflict clear. That should help flesh out the query.

 

Just my opinion. Hope it helps.



#10 khaulamazhar

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Posted 09 February 2014 - 10:54 PM

I had banned myself ( from AQC) in order to actually get this novel done. It's done yay! Thanks for all the time you guys took to help me out here, will hopefully be putting up an improved version soon.



#11 lizellor

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Posted 10 February 2014 - 10:06 PM

I knew a bunch of teen geniuses. They went to MIT and became math professors. Why would a teen genius work as a homicide detective? Isn't she smart enough to calculate the tremendous amounts of money she could make by playing the stock market? 

 

Start by telling us why your MC's a detective. Show us her heart, not her brain. 



#12 khaulamazhar

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Posted 11 February 2014 - 09:41 AM

Because she wasn't interested in math.



#13 khaulamazhar

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Posted 11 February 2014 - 12:34 PM

Tried to consider all your suggestions. Now you can tear this one up  :cool:

 

Dear Agent XYZ,

 

Incur is a ----word conspiracy thriller for YA, set in the year 2051.

 

Janice Sinclair, rich bitch and Senator Sinclair's only child is dead. Someone nailed crucified her to  on the floor of her own bedroom.

 

When nineteen year-old homicide detective Natasha Damiri investigates the ritualistic murder, she discovers Senator Sinclair didn't bother to mention the dead girl isn't actually Janice. Then he disappears.

 

Evidence leads Natasha to Mehdi, the enigmatic leader in waiting of a growing cult, and now the prime suspect in a case that leads to a tangle of murders ranging from a young blackmailer to the President of the United States. And a race for power in the Middle East between players no one even knew were in the game.



#14 Newbie22

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Posted 19 February 2014 - 12:11 PM

Incur is a ----word conspiracy thriller for YA, set in the year 2051.

 

Janice Sinclair, rich bitch (Not sure about this, but I have seen some commentators advising against profanity in queries) and Senator Sinclair's only child is dead. Someone nailed crucified her to  on the floor of her own bedroom.

 

When nineteen year-old homicide detective Natasha Damiri investigates the ritualistic murder of spoiled brat,Janice Sinclair, she discovers Senator Sinclair didn't bother to mention the dead girl isn't actually Janice. Then the girl's mother disappears. (If Natasha  is your protagonist, why not start the hook with her..)

 

Evidence leads Natasha to Mehdi, the enigmatic leader in waiting of a growing cult, and now the prime suspect in a case that leads to a tangle of murders ranging from a young blackmailer to the President of the United States. And a race for power in the Middle East between players no one even knew were in the game.You have a lot going on here, can you condense it to show how this all relates to the primary case Natasha is investigating)

 

If you dont mind, can you take a quick looksie at my query here:

http://agentquerycon...-fiction/page-2

 

Thanks!



#15 khaulamazhar

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Posted 19 February 2014 - 10:33 PM

I wanted to use Janice in the hook since she is one of the important characters, and the Senator is the father. As for condensing there is much more going on in the story but this was about how much of it I could condense, not sure whether I should add more now?



#16 Colateralwar

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Posted 20 February 2014 - 01:55 AM

Tried to consider all your suggestions. Now you can tear this one up  :cool:

 

Dear Agent XYZ,

 

Incur is a ----word conspiracy thriller for YA, set in the year 2051.(Include this in the hook or blurb somewhere, not here.)

 

Janice Sinclair, rich bitch and Senator Sinclair's only child, is dead. Someone nailed crucified her to  on the floor of her own bedroom. (This is a very brutal and visceral opening image, but since your main character is Natasha, I'm not sure why we are introduced to Janice first)

 

When nineteen year-old homicide detective Natasha Damiri (19? Big red flag for me. My father was a cop. It is not possible to become a detective at nineteen. You need to be at least 18 to become a cop almost anywhere in the developed world and it takes a long time to work your way from just another officer on the beat to detective) investigates the ritualistic murder, she discovers Senator Sinclair didn't bother to mention the dead girl isn't actually Janice. Then he disappears. (Nice)

 

Evidence leads Natasha to Mehdi, the enigmatic leader in waiting of a growing cult, and now the prime suspect in a case that leads to a tangle of murders ranging from a young blackmailer to the President of the United States, (Wow. Ok. You did say conspiracy after all) And a race for power in the Middle East between players no one even knew were in the game. (This last paragraph is interesting, but it still leaves me in the dark. Teasing the agents and leaving some of the big details out is alright, but this query leaves me confused as to what is actually going on).

 

I love conspiracy stuff. It's a bit of a hobby. But the key to any good conspiracy is plausibility. I don't know if this has any, mostly because there arent any details in the query about Natasha's investigation and how involved she becomes in this sinister plot. People love to read things like this, well, some of us do, but it needs to built on a foundation that we can follow with. The murder is nice. Thanks to crime drama's virtually every american is ok with the idea of a simple murder leading to bigger more dangerous plots, but you need to show us (and by us i mean the agent) how that happens in this book in order to sell it to them.

As always these comments are my own personal opinions and should be taken with a grain of salt. They are offered in the genuine hope that you may find something useful, but, of course, feel free to ignore comments you disagree with.

 

-Jacob S



#17 khaulamazhar

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Posted 20 February 2014 - 11:22 AM

Thanks Jacob, since your suggestions are very specific I found them very helpful. I wanted to omit Natasha's age altogether because it leaves too many unanswered questions that are explained in the novel (of course). If I leave it out then how would I justify this is YA? So any suggestions? Also Janice is one of the important characters, and she is not dead, so should I mention this in the query? Or would that lead to just too many questions again? The dead girl is actually just a person pretending to be Janice for the very reason she gets murdered, to keep the real Janice safe. Thanks again to everyone who took the time out to try and help me out.



#18 khaulamazhar

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Posted 12 March 2014 - 04:02 PM

Okay first thanks to everyone who took the time out to help me with this. I know how hard that can be when you are struggling with your own writing. So here is revision number three or is it four? 

 

Homicide detective Natasha Damiri is investigating the murder of Janice Sinclair. Someone crucified her to the floor of her own bedroom.

 

Natasha discovers Senator Sinclair didn't bother to mention the dead girl isn't actually his daughter Janice. Then he conveniently disappears. A single strand of hair leads Natasha to Mehdi, the enigmatic leader in waiting of a growing cult, and now the prime suspect in a case that leads to a tangle of murders ranging from a young blackmailer to the President of the United States. All this and a race for power in the Middle East between three shady/devious partners are tied in to one elusive person. Janice.

 

Incur is a 60 000 word conspiracy thriller set in the year 2051. This is my third novel, the first has been accepted for publication and the second one I am editing. I write the occasional humorous article for Dawn's Sunday Images. Thank you for your time and consideration, looking forward to hearing from you.

 

Yours respectfully,

 

I did not do the "this would appeal to readers of..." or the "is a cross between so and so"  because I find most agents don't want you to decide that for them, all red lines and cruel honesty will be appreciated with the help of a tissue box and chocolates. Go ahead tear it up, thanks. 



#19 efowler

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Posted 12 March 2014 - 09:42 PM

Okay first thanks to everyone who took the time out to help me with this. I know how hard that can be when you are struggling with your own writing. So here is revision number three or is it four? 

 

Homicide detective Natasha Damiri is investigating the murder of Janice Sinclair. Someone crucified her She was crucified (Or maybe "Natasha found her crucified" to make it not passive) to the floor of her own bedroom. (I think you need a better hook-- something that tells us more about the character or story. This sounds like a sentence after the hook, to me.)

 

Natasha discovers Senator Sinclair (Who is he? Her friend? Or partner? I mean, I know he's a senator, but he just kind of is in the query-- not introduced. How is Sinclair in relation to Natasha?) didn't bother to mention the dead girl isn't actually his daughter Janice. (I don't really get this sentence.) Then he conveniently disappears. (I feel like something is missing. Something that connects the first paragraph to this one.) A single strand of hair leads Natasha to Mehdi, the enigmatic leader in waiting of a growing cult, and now the prime suspect in a case that leads to a tangle of murders ranging from a young blackmailer to the President of the United States. (Long sentence. Try taking out Mehdi, too-- too many characters in a query. "A single hair leads Natasha to believe a growing cult was responsible Janice's crucifixion, as well as the President of the United States." Of course, this is a rough sentence, but it's an example of how to rewrite it without Mehdi.)  All this and a race for power in the Middle East between three shady/devious partners are tied in to one elusive person. Janice.

 

 

(This needs a lot of cleaning up. I'm not a fan of the end of the query, but I don't want to correct things because I still don't have a grasp on your story. Yes, Janice is crucified and you allude that it's done by a cult. But I can't tie in the race for power in the Middle East or why the President is even included in the query. What is the story? What is Natasha trying to solve? Because right now, there isn't much conflict. We know it's a cult. We know how and by who she as murdered. But what does Natasha needs to stop before the end of the novel-- what is the conflict?)

 

Incur is a 60 000 word conspiracy thriller set in the year 2051. This is my third novel, the first has been accepted for publication and the second one I am editing. I write the occasional humorous article for Dawn's Sunday Images. Thank you for your time and consideration, looking forward to hearing from you.

 

Yours respectfully,

 

I did not do the "this would appeal to readers of..." or the "is a cross between so and so"  because I find most agents don't want you to decide that for them, all red lines and cruel honesty will be appreciated with the help of a tissue box and chocolates. Go ahead tear it up, thanks. 

 

 

PS Thanks for the Peter Knapp post :)



#20 Tanya_Writes_YA

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Posted 13 March 2014 - 11:06 AM

I'm a newbie, but since you shared in the agent's forum, I will try and give you some decent feedback :)

 

 

Homicide detective Natasha Damiri is investigating the murder of Janice Sinclair.Someone crucified her to the floor of her own bedroom. Janice Sinclair was crucified on her bedroom floor, and its up to Homicide Detective Natasha Damiri to find out why. (no need to mention murder since Natasha is a Homicide Detective).

 

Natasha discovers Senator Sinclair (who is this?) didn't bother to mention the dead girl isn't actually his daughter Janice. (This is kind of confusing, but could be rewritten like this), Suddenly, the victim's father, Senator Sinclair disappears, and Natasha must investigate the possible connection.Then he conveniently disappears.

 

When a single strand of hair leads Natasha to Mehdi, the enigmatic emerging leader in waiting of a growing cult, and now she finds her the prime suspect. in a case  As she delves deeper into the case, she is led that leads to a tangle of murders involving ranging from a young blackmailer, and even to the President of the United States. All this and a race for power in the Middle East between three shady/devious partners are tied in to one elusive person. Janice. As a power struggle in the Middle East heats up, Natasha will discover that everything leads back to one person, the victim, Janice Sinclair.

 

Incur INCUR (insert genre) is a 60 000 60,000 word conspiracy thriller set in the year 2051. This is my third novel, the first has been accepted for publication and the second one, I am in the process of editing. I am editing. I write the occasional humorous article for Dawn's Sunday Images. Thank you for your time and consideration, and I looking look forward to hearing from you.

 

Yours respectfully, Sincerely,

 

It's hard to make accurate corrections, as your story is still a bit unclear to me, but I hope that at least some of my feedback will help. Good luck!






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