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WINTER'S QUEEN - (YA fantasy)


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#341 MalcolmSolo

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Posted 01 June 2016 - 07:07 AM

Ok.. just realized I replied to a way old version of this. Critique of newest one to come :)



#342 MalcolmSolo

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Posted 01 June 2016 - 07:20 AM

Little bit of a change-up here. I'm trying to get the themes of teamwork and setting aside prejudice across more. This is getting a bit on the long side, though, so advice on trimming it down is appreciated. :)

 

 

For sixteen-year-old Ariel Hawk, having nearly been kidnapped as a baby by one of the Fae is pretty solid proof that they exist. But nobody believes her or her family, even when a Fae Prince claims Ariel as his bride and abducts her to Faerie himself.

 

His Royal Smugness, Prince Fiachra, embodies everything Ariel fears and hates about the Fae. She’s just an object to him, a toy he can break and rebuild at his whims. I prefer the phrasing 'on a whim'. Ariel refuses to let fear control her, and makes use of anger instead. I like this. Spitting out Fiachra’s enchanted fruit keeps him from trapping her in Faerie from the start, from what start? I'm not sure what the deal is with him trapping her, but could you say something like "keeps him from trapping her in Faerie permanently"? and throwing away her engagement ring means he can’t use it to spy on her. But that doesn’t stop Fiachra from locking her up when she tries to flee the castle. Good.

 

There’s only so much a human teen can do against Faerie’s magic. She’ll have to set aside years of prejudice and trust other Fae for the help they can offer. It helps knowing her dad and uncle are on their way to help her too—if they can find their way through Faerie to Fiachra’s castle. What about: It helps knowing her dad and uncle are on their way to help her, but only if they can find their way through Faerie to Fiarchra's castle.

 

But no one knows that the wedding is only a front for Fiachra’s plot to murder his father and steal the throne. And he’s not opposed to changing the date to hurry things up. If Ariel can’t escape, with or without help, she’ll be trapped in Faerie with a patri-regicidal maniac for eternity. If her attempts push Fiachra’s patience to the breaking point, he just might kill her too. Great finishing line.

 

WINTER'S QUEEN is a YA fantasy of 80,000 words. [Personalization, etc.] Thank you for your time and consideration.



#343 wildouttacontrol

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Posted 03 June 2016 - 02:25 PM

Hi Ireth, thanks for the feedback on mine. I hope this helps  :smile:

Little bit of a change-up here. I'm trying to get the themes of teamwork and setting aside prejudice across more. This is getting a bit on the long side, though, so advice on trimming it down is appreciated. :)

 

The hook isn't really doing it for me. I personally prefer hooks to open up directly into the conflict.

For sixteen-year-old Ariel Hawk, having nearly been kidnapped as a baby by one of the Fae is pretty solid proof that (this "that" isn't necessary. sometimes adding a that into a sentence where it isn't needed can actually weaken the sentence as a whole.)they exist. But nobody believes her or her family, even When a Fae Prince claims Ariel as his bride and abducts her to the land of Faerie (on a personal note (I assume this is a world) this confused me when I first read it because faerie is another way to spell the word fairy)  himself,she realizes everything her parents taught her to fear is true. I realize that isn't a strong way to end that sentence, but it is just an example. This puts us directly into Ariel's problem with the first sentence. 

 

She is just an object to his Royal Smugness, Prince Fiachra. (end sentence, embodies everything Ariel fears and hates about the Fae. She’s just an object to him, A toy he can(instead of "can" I would use "tries", because it makes it makes it feel like it is happening rather that it might happen. And like the other suggestion up there when I think of toy I don't think of breaking rebuilding; I think of breaking and discarding.) break and rebuild at his whims. Ariel refuses to let fear control her, and makes use of anger instead. It is better to show than tell which is exactly what these sentences do. Spitting out Fiachra’s enchanted fruit keeps him from trapping her in Faerie from the start, and throwing away her engagement ring means he can’t use it to spy on her. But that doesn’t stop Fiachra from locking her up when she tries to flee the castle. All of the bold can be turned into a single sentence. ex. "But after she foils his attempts to control her by spitting out his enchanted fruit and tossing the engagement ring out a window, the prince locks her away until their marriage date. And he’s not opposed to changing the date to hurry things up. (I moved this up because it makes sense and flows nicely.)

 

There’s only so much a human teen can do against Faerie’s magic. She’ll have to set aside years of prejudice and trust other Fae for the help they can offer. (Here I would continue with how the Fae help her, how she plans to escape/ stay alive. Keep this about Ariel.)It helps knowing her dad and uncle are on their way to help her too—if they can find their way through Faerie to Fiachra’s castle. 

 

But no one knows that the wedding is only a front for Fiachra’s plot to murder his father and steal the throne. (if the wedding is only a front, then why bother with Ariel at all? Why not someone else significantly less troublesome?)And he’s not opposed to changing the date to hurry things up. If Ariel can’t escape, with or without help, she’ll be trapped in Faerie with a patri-regicidal (no need to be specific about the type of maniac; we can see he is crazy.) maniac for eternity. If her attempts push Fiachra’s patience to the breaking point, he just might kill her too. (this slightly confuses me because doesn't he need her to crowned king or something?)

 

WINTER'S QUEEN is a YA fantasy of 80,000 words. [Personalization, etc.] Thank you for your time and consideration.


*Something witty placeholder*

 

"Finished" a query and would appreciate feedback

http://agentquerycon...a-actionsci-fi/


#344 Cesar Montufar

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Posted 03 June 2016 - 03:15 PM

For sixteen-year-old Ariel Hawk, having nearly been kidnapped as a baby by one of the Fae is pretty solid proof that they exist. But nobody believes her or her family, even when a Fae Prince claims Ariel as his bride and abducts her to Faerie himself.

 

His Royal Smugness (this sounds like Ariel speaking, and it doesn't mesh with the diction of the rest of your query), Prince Fiachra, embodies everything Ariel fears and hates about the Fae. She’s just an object to him, a toy he can break and rebuild at his whims (I first wondered what kind of creature she was, but when I realized she's human, I no longer understand what this means. If it's just a metaphor for mistreating her, then it's too unclear. This is fantasy--he could literally be breaking her and rebuilding her for all I know). Ariel refuses to let fear control her, and makes use of anger instead. Spitting out Fiachra’s enchanted fruit keeps him from trapping her in Faerie from the start, and throwing away her engagement ring means he can’t use it to spy on her. But that doesn’t stop Fiachra from locking her up when she tries to flee the castle.

 

There’s only so much a human teen can do against Faerie’s magic. She’ll have to set aside years of prejudice and  to trust other Fae for the help they can offer. It helps knowing her dad and uncle are on their way to help her too (you've used "help" three times in this short passage)—if they can find their way through Faerie to Fiachra’s castle.

 

But no one knows that the wedding is only a front for Fiachra’s plot to murder his father and steal the throne. And he’s not opposed to changing the date to hurry things up. (This muddies things without helping your cause. Keep the focus on Ariel) If Ariel can’t escape, with or without help, she’ll be trapped in Faerie with a patri-regicidal the maniac for eternity. If her attempts push Fiachra’s patience to the breaking point, he just might kill her too.

 

WINTER'S QUEEN is a YA fantasy of 80,000 words. [Personalization, etc.] Thank you for your time and consideration.

Is there a reason Fiachra is after Ariel? It can't just be "hey, she's cute" because he tried to take her as a baby, but it might help to know what's special about her that brings on all this attention.

 

Best of luck!



#345 Ireth

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Posted 03 June 2016 - 03:22 PM

Just to clear things up (again), Fiachra is NOT the same Fae who tried to kidnap Ariel as an infant. The main reason Fiachra wants her is because she believes in the Fae, and he takes her instinct to fight him as a challenge. (Think of Gaston in "Beauty and the Beast" -- he wanted Belle for his wife even though literally every other eligible woman in town was fawning over him, because Belle was the only one who WASN'T.)


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#346 klgreer

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Posted 04 June 2016 - 12:36 PM

I've glanced through some of the various iterations, and the last line kept jumping out at me. To call out just that line and compare:

 

"If she marries Fiachra and becomes the Winter Queen, she’ll gain immortality at the cost of her humanity. If she refuses, she’ll gain freedom at the cost of her life."
 
"If Ariel can’t escape, she’ll be trapped in Faerie with a regicidal maniac for eternity. But if her attempts push Fiachra’s patience to the breaking point, he just might kill her too."
 
"If she marries Fiachra and becomes the Winter Queen, she'll be trapped in Faerie with an abusive, regicidal husband for eternity. If she fails to escape for good, the Fae will kill her instead."
 
I find it helpful to break the query down into sections, and compare each. The first to introduce the protagonist, the second for the conflict, the third for the antagonist, the fourth for the stakes (or however you like to break up/arrange the pieces). Then I go section by section, and try to weigh which version hits the best mark.
 
Doing that for your last line, they're all a little wordy, so the punch is getting lost. It seems like these could all be boiled down into something far simpler, with more punch:
 
"Marrying Fiachra means losing her humanity. Refusing him means losing her life."
 

or

 

"If she becomes the Winter Queen, the price is her humanity. If she refuses, the price is her life."

 

All the parts in your other endings-- the marriage, Fiachra, who'll kill her, what he's like, etc-- have been mentioned elsewhere in the query. So the last line just needs to lay out exactly what's at stake, in the bluntest terms possible. At least from the oodles of queries & teasers I've read, going wordy at this point will just soften things, and you don't want soft, you want ZOMG HOW WILL SHE GET OUT OF THIS.  :blink: 

 

(and if you can see a way to help my query get the same punch, I'd appreciate it! http://agentquerycon...ult-revised-64/)



#347 Ireth

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Posted 26 August 2017 - 11:59 AM

The world is, on the surface, perfectly mundane. Magic is nothing but clever tricks and non-human people are only myths and fairy-tales. And the few who know otherwise—like sixteen-year-old Ariel Hawk and her family—are derided as mad. But the Fae exist whether or not mortals believe in them.

 

And one has chosen Ariel to be his bride, whether or not she consents.

 

Prince Fiachra of the Winter Court is as cruel as he is beautiful: in short, everything Ariel has learned to fear and hate about his kind. She soon discovers that Fiachra has his eye on his father’s throne, and having a wife will finally make his father deem him worthy of it—or so he hopes.

 

Then all he needs to do is kill the king.

 

In the meantime, Fiachra is more interested in subduing Ariel than wooing her. The king, well-meaning but neglectful and misguided, dismisses her warnings and pleas for help as hyperbole. And accepting help from the few Fae who offer it means setting aside a lifetime of prejudice. But she must if she wants to escape Faerie alive. If Fiachra’s patience and sanity are pushed too far, he might just kill her, too.

 

WINTER’S QUEEN is a YA fantasy of 83,000 words. It features a demisexual protagonist as well as other LGBTQ+ representation. Thank you for your time and consideration.


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#348 jaustail

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Posted 26 August 2017 - 12:26 PM

The world is, on the surface, perfectly mundane. Magic is nothing but clever tricks and non-human people are only myths and fairy-tales. And the few who know otherwise—like sixteen-year-old Ariel Hawk and her family—are derided as mad. But the Fae exist whether or not mortals believe in them.(this isn't a regular introduction that involves starting with the mc, but this is good)

 

And one has chosen Ariel to be his bride, whether or not she consents.(repetition of structure: where or not)

 

Prince Fiachra of the Winter Court is as cruel as he is beautiful: in short, everything Ariel has learned to fear and hate about his kind. She soon discovers that Fiachra has his eye on his father’s throne, and having a wife will finally make his father deem him worthy of it—or so he hopes.

 

Then all he needs to do is kill the king.

 

In the meantime, Fiachra is more interested in subduing Ariel than wooing her. The king, well-meaning but neglectful and misguided, dismisses her warnings and pleas for help as hyperbole. And accepting help from the few Fae who offer it means setting aside a lifetime of prejudice. But she must if she wants to escape Faerie alive. If Fiachra’s patience and sanity are pushed too far, he might just kill her(Ariel), too.(I didn't understand the underlined part. Do the Fae have some magic powers? maybe give an idea of them? what kind of help are the new fae offering and why are they helping her?)

 

WINTER’S QUEEN is a YA fantasy of 83,000 words. It features a demisexual protagonist as well as other LGBTQ+ representation. Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

 

Good luck with this. Apart from the last paragraph I had no issues with this.

 

Link to my query is in my signature in case you want to read it.


Query: WALL OF ICE

(Space Opera)

Revised version: Link


#349 smithgirl

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Posted 27 August 2017 - 06:56 PM

Found it!

 

 

 

The world is, on the surface, perfectly mundane. Magic is nothing but clever tricks and non-human people are only myths and fairy-tales. And the few who know otherwise—like sixteen-year-old Ariel Hawk and her family—are derided as mad. But the Fae exist whether or not mortals believe in them. Interesting hook, but gives your book a creepy feel.

 

 

And one has chosen Ariel to be his bride, whether or not she consents. I like this. Nice parallel of sentence from hook. 

 

Prince Fiachra of the Winter Court is as cruel as he is beautiful: in short, everything Ariel has learned to fear and hate about his kind. She soon discovers that Fiachra has his eye on his father’s throne, and having a wife will finally make his father deem him worthy of it—or so he hopes. So has Fiachra brought her with him to Faerie at this point?

 

Then all he needs to do is kill the king.

 

In the meantime, Fiachra is more interested in subduing Ariel than wooing her. The king, well-meaning but neglectful and misguided, dismisses her warnings and pleas for help as hyperbole. And accepting help from the few Fae who offer it means setting aside a lifetime of prejudice. But she must if she wants to escape Faerie alive. If Fiachra’s patience and sanity are pushed too far, he might just kill her, too. Good stakes.

 

WINTER’S QUEEN is a YA fantasy of 83,000 words. It features a demisexual protagonist as well as other LGBTQ+ representation. Thank you for your time and consideration

 

I think your query is  pretty clear but a little lean. It was not immediately clear to me that Fiachra somehow transported Ariel to Faerie. I think you could add a little bit back to it, to add a clear sequence of events. From reading your query, I also did not see the LGBTQ aspect. I haven't queried LGBTQ, but my experience is that your query should also demonstrate your genre to some extent. Of course a query is a limited in the number of characters you can include, so maybe this is a problem for you. I'm just saying. Good luck!



#350 Ireth

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Posted 28 August 2017 - 10:00 AM

Thanks for your input, smithgirl! Ariel's demisexuality isn't a focus of the novel, but I thought it might be an interesting selling point. I haven't seen many asexual characters of any sort in fiction. The other LGBTQ+ characters of note are some of Ariel's allies, who I don't really have time or space to speak of in the query.

 

Dear Agent:

 

The world is, on the surface, perfectly mundane. Magic is nothing but clever tricks and non-human people are only myths and fairy-tales. And the few who know otherwise—like sixteen-year-old Ariel Hawk and her family—are derided as mad. But the Fae exist whether or not mortals believe in them.

 

And one has chosen Ariel to be his bride, whether or not she consents.

 

Even if Ariel wanted a boyfriend, let alone a fiancé, she’d never choose a Fae. Especially not Prince Fiachra of the Winter Court. He’s as cruel as he is beautiful, embodying everything Ariel fears and hates about his kind. Soon after he kidnaps her to Faerie, she discovers he has his eye on his father’s throne. Having a wife will finally make his father deem him worthy of it—or so Fiachra hopes.

 

Then all he needs to do is kill the king.

 

For now, Fiachra is more interested in subduing Ariel than wooing her, using enchantment as often as force. The king, well-meaning but neglectful and misguided, dismisses her warnings and pleas for help as hyperbole. And accepting help from the few Fae who offer it means setting aside a lifetime of prejudice. But she must if she wants to escape Faerie. If Fiachra’s patience and sanity are pushed too far, he might just kill Ariel too.

 

WINTER’S QUEEN is a YA fantasy of 83,000 words. It features a demisexual protagonist as well as other LGBTQ+ representation. Thank you for your time and consideration.


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#351 kathleenq

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Posted 28 August 2017 - 02:08 PM

Thanks for your input, smithgirl! Ariel's demisexuality isn't a focus of the novel, but I thought it might be an interesting selling point. I haven't seen many asexual characters of any sort in fiction. The other LGBTQ+ characters of note are some of Ariel's allies, who I don't really have time or space to speak of in the query.

 

Dear Agent:

 

The world is, on the surface, perfectly mundane. Magic is nothing but clever tricks and non-human beings people are only myths and fairy-tales. And the few who know otherwise—like sixteen-year-old Ariel Hawk and her family—are derided as mad. But the Fae exist whether or not mortals believe in them.

 

And one has chosen Ariel to be his bride, whether or not she consents.

 

Even if Ariel wanted a boyfriend, let alone a fiancé, she’d never choose a Fae. Especially not Prince Fiachra of the Winter Court. He’s as cruel as he is beautiful, embodying everything Ariel fears and hates about his kind. Soon after he kidnaps her to Faerie, she discovers he has his eye on his father’s throne. Having a wife will finally make his father deem him worthy of it—or so Fiachra hopes.

 

Then all he needs to do is kill the king.

 

For now though, Fiachra is more interested in subduing Ariel than wooing her, using enchantment as often as force. The king, well-meaning but neglectful and misguided, dismisses her warnings and pleas for help as hyperbole. And accepting help from the few Fae who offer it means setting aside a lifetime of prejudice (why would they help her?). But she must if she wants to escape Faerie. And If Fiachra’s patience and sanity are pushed too far, he might just kill Ariel too.

 

WINTER’S QUEEN is a YA fantasy of 83,000 words. It features a demisexual protagonist as well as other LGBTQ+ representation. Thank you for your time and consideration.

This is really good. Love the hook and overall introduction. I'm just a bit confused on the last paragraph. It seems like Ariel has a lot of prejudice/fear of the Fae, so why would some of them offer her help? Also, is there a particular reason that Fiachra wants a human wife rather than a Fae wife?


Synopsis: Glass Domes


#352 Ireth

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Posted 28 August 2017 - 02:19 PM

This is really good. Love the hook and overall introduction. I'm just a bit confused on the last paragraph. It seems like Ariel has a lot of prejudice/fear of the Fae, so why would some of them offer her help? Also, is there a particular reason that Fiachra wants a human wife rather than a Fae wife?

 

To answer your first question, one of the Fae who helps Ariel is Fiachra's sister, who has a huge grudge against him; the others are servants who make friends with Ariel and show her that not all Fae are evil, because yay character development! Fiachra doesn't *need* a human wife, per se, but he's such an outrageous asshole that no Fae woman will have him, so kidnapping a human is his next resort.


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#353 MICRONESIA

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Posted 29 August 2017 - 07:12 PM

Dear Agent:

 

The world is, on the surface, perfectly mundane. Magic is nothing but clever tricks and non-human people are only myths and fairy-tales. And the few who know otherwise—like sixteen-year-old Ariel Hawk and her family—are derided as mad. But the Fae exist whether or not mortals believe in them. This is looking familiar, haha. Some might complain about the "blanket statements" of your first two sentences, but you promptly follow up with the MC. I think it's fine.

 

One has chosen Ariel to be his bride, whether or not she consents.

 

Even if Ariel wanted a boyfriend, let alone a fiancé, she’d never choose a Fae. Especially not Prince Fiachra of the Winter Court. He’s as cruel as he is beautiful, embodying everything Ariel fears and hates about his kind. What is so terrifying about his kind? They kidnap mortals? In fact, the whole sentence seems more "telling" than "showing." Soon after he kidnaps her to Faerie, she discovers he has his eye on his father’s throne. Having a wife will finally make his father deem him worthy of it—or so Fiachra hopes.

 

Then all he needs to do is kill the king. 

 

For now, Fiachra is more interested in subduing Ariel than wooing her, using enchantment as often as force. The king, well-meaning but neglectful and misguided, I think you should do about anything to fix this three-adjective pileup. dismisses her warnings and pleas for help as hyperbole. And accepting help from the few Fae who offer it means setting aside a lifetime of prejudice. But she must if she wants to escape Faerie. If Fiachra’s patience and sanity are pushed too far, he might just kill Ariel too.

 

WINTER’S QUEEN is a YA fantasy of 83,000 words. It features a demisexual protagonist as well as other LGBTQ+ representation. Thank you for your time and consideration.

This works for me. A few small changes and I think you're good to go. Are you sure about the title, though? There are probably a few dozen similar titles out there in various mediums. Just a thought.



#354 Faegheh

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Posted 30 August 2017 - 03:01 AM

 

Dear Agent:

 

The world is, on the surface, perfectly mundane. Magic is nothing but clever tricks and non-human people are only myths and fairy-tales. And the few who know otherwise—like sixteen-year-old Ariel Hawk and her family—are derided as mad. But the Fae exist whether or not mortals believe in them.

 

And one has chosen Ariel to be his bride, whether or not she consents.

 

Even if Ariel wanted a boyfriend, let alone a fiancé, she’d never choose a Fae. Especially not Prince Fiachra of the Winter Court. He’s as cruel as he is beautiful, embodying everything Ariel fears and hates about his kind (Maybe add more details on why Ariel hates them.) . Soon after he kidnaps her to Faerie, she discovers he has his eye on his father’s throne. Having a wife will finally make his father deem him worthy of it—or so Fiachra hopes.

 

Then all he needs to do is kill the king.

 

For now, Fiachra is more interested in subduing Ariel than wooing her, using enchantment as often as force. The king, well-meaning but neglectful and misguided (I think misguided is enough), dismisses her warnings and pleas for help as hyperbole. And accepting help from the few Fae who offer it means setting aside a lifetime of prejudice. But she must if she wants to escape Faerie. If Fiachra’s patience and sanity are pushed too far, he might just kill Ariel too.

 

WINTER’S QUEEN is a YA fantasy of 83,000 words. It features a demisexual protagonist as well as other LGBTQ+ representation. Thank you for your time and consideration.

I don't have much to offer but I think you need to tell us why Ariel hates these people and why she's chosen to be Fiachra's bride if there is a particular reason. Even if you don't change anything, I don't think there would be a problem.

Good luck :)



#355 Ireth

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Posted 30 August 2017 - 08:44 AM

I don't have much to offer but I think you need to tell us why Ariel hates these people and why she's chosen to be Fiachra's bride if there is a particular reason. Even if you don't change anything, I don't think there would be a problem.

Good luck :)

 

Thanks for your feedback! I've tried including the reason Ariel fears and hates Fae in earlier drafts (one of them tried to kidnap her as a baby), but it only seemed to confuse people more.


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#356 slinke13

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Posted 01 September 2017 - 12:09 PM



Thanks for your input, smithgirl! Ariel's demisexuality isn't a focus of the novel, but I thought it might be an interesting selling point. I haven't seen many asexual characters of any sort in fiction. The other LGBTQ+ characters of note are some of Ariel's allies, who I don't really have time or space to speak of in the query.

 

Dear Agent:

 

The world is, on the surface, perfectly mundane. Magic is nothing but clever tricks and non-human people are only myths and fairy-tales. And the few who know otherwise—like sixteen-year-old Ariel Hawk and her family—are derided as mad. But the Fae exist whether or not mortals believe in them. [This last sentence here is awesome!. I like the idea of 'Magic - derided as mad' but it reads slightly choppy. There's a lot of hyphens...] 

 

And one has chosen Ariel to be his bride, whether or not she consents.

 

Even if Ariel wanted a boyfriend, let alone a fiancé, she’d never choose a Fae. Especially not Prince Fiachra of the Winter Court. He’s as cruel as he is beautiful [little cliche - anything about him specific to your story?], embodying everything Ariel fears and hates about his kind. [what does she hate about his kind?] Soon after he kidnaps her to Faerie [is this the name of a land? Fae live in Faerie? Not sold on that name, if that's what it is], she discovers he has his eye on his father’s throne. Having a wife will finally make his father deem him worthy of it—or so Fiachra hopes. [I think you could shorten all this by saying after his kind. And she learns he only wants to marry her to make himself worthy of his father's throne in Faerie.]

 

Then all he needs to do is kill the king. [huh? why would he care if his father thinks he's worthy if he's just going to kill him?]

 

For now, Fiachra is more interested in subduing Ariel than wooing her, using enchantment as often as force. The king, well-meaning but neglectful and misguided, dismisses her warnings and pleas for help as hyperbole. And accepting help from the few Fae who offer it means setting aside a lifetime of prejudice.[yeah, I'd put in earlier what exactly the prejudice is based on] But she must if she wants to escape Faerie. If Fiachra’s patience and sanity are pushed too far, he might just kill Ariel too. [I'd like to see the stakes clearer here.]

 

WINTER’S QUEEN is a YA fantasy of 83,000 words. It features a demisexual protagonist as well as other LGBTQ+ representation. Thank you for your time and consideration.



#357 Drift Island Specialist

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Posted 05 September 2017 - 11:50 PM

Dear Agent:

 

All sixteen-year-old Ariel Hawk wants is a fun Halloween with her friends. Instead she gets a one-way trip from England to Faerie, and a betrothal to her kidnapper, Prince Fiachra of the Winter Court. For Ariel, raised on her dad's tales of the Fair Folk, it's not a dream come true but a nightmare. If she doesn't escape before the wedding on Midwinter Eve, she'll lose everything: her family and friends, her home, and her very humanity.

 

Maybe you should describe what/where Faerie is?

 

Luckily, Midwinter Eve is still seven weeks off. And no way is Ariel going to sit around waiting for a rescue. Although Fiachra tempts her with enchanted feasts and dreamlike dances, but she throws his plans off-kilter at every chance. Escaping the castle itself, on the other hand, is much harder. More than just walls of ice stand in her way.  The first friend Ariel makes can only help her from afar; the rest all want her to marry Fiachra.

The last two sentences here are nice, but aren't really needed if you're providing the skeleton of the story's beginnings.  It's just an opinion, so you can take it or leave it.

 

As she hones her wits and courage against Fiachra's waning patience, Ariel clings to a wavering hope. If she can't save herself, maybe her dad will rescue her--if he can even get into Faerie. She doesn't dare doubt it, even as the stakes rise high and fast. Her life isn't the only one that ends up on the line.

 

WINTER'S QUEEN, my first novel, is a YA fantasy of 80,000 words. It will appeal to fans of O.R. Melling's The Chronicles of Faerie and Garry Kilworth's Knights of Liöfwende. Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

I like the concepts here and how you relate it to other works.  Good luck!



#358 Ireth

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Posted 06 September 2017 - 08:41 AM

I appreciate your comments, Drift Island Specialist, but you've critiqued a VERY outdated version of the query! Check out post #350 for the most recent version.


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#359 callalilly

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Posted 06 September 2017 - 05:28 PM

Hi Ireth, I'm returning your critique, though I see you've already had a few critiques for this version, so I'll just offer a few items that could help.

The world is, on the surface, perfectly mundane. Magic is nothing but clever tricks and non-human people are only myths and fairy-tales. And the few who know otherwise—like sixteen-year-old Ariel Hawk and her family—are derided as mad. But the Fae exist whether or not mortals believe in them.

 

And one has chosen Ariel to be his bride, whether or not she consents. (Oh I like the twist. I wonder why he chose her though?...Ah just read; for his father's throne, but still why her? I'm thinking there are other, easier prey to choose from.)

 

Even if Ariel never (?) wanted a boyfriend, let alone a fiancé, she’d never choose a Fae. Especially not Prince Fiachra of the Winter Court. He’s as cruel as he is beautiful, embodying everything Ariel fears and hates about his kind. Soon after he kidnaps her to Faerie, she discovers he has his eye on his father’s throne (Can you bring this in sooner? Maybe in the hook?: "And the few who know otherwise—like sixteen-year-old Princess Ariel Hawk and her family.") Having a wife will finally make his father deem him worthy of it—or so Fiachra hopes.

(Cool conflict.)

Then all he needs to do is kill the king.

 

For now, Fiachra is more interested in subduing Ariel than wooing her, using enchantment as often as force (subduing how? Making her unconscious, or stuck in a magical false happiness?). The king, well-meaning but neglectful and misguided, dismisses her warnings and pleas for help as hyperbole. And accepting help from the few Fae who offer it means setting aside a lifetime of prejudice. But she must if she wants to escape Faerie. If Fiachra’s patience and sanity are pushed too far, he might just kill Ariel too.

 

I like! I do wonder though: is Ariel a human than? Sound query though. Good luck.


My work in progress: http://agentquerycon...again-ya/page-2

 


#360 Ireth

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Posted 06 September 2017 - 05:35 PM

Thanks for your comments, callalily! Yes, Ariel and her family are human. She's also not a princess in any sense; she's born a "commoner" in a middle-class family in England, and when she's engaged to Fiachra in Faerie she takes the title of Lady. She'd have to marry Fiachra to become a princess, and (spoiler!) that doesn't happen. :D


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/





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