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WINTER'S QUEEN - (YA fantasy)


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#361 Goldenmiles

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Posted 27 September 2017 - 11:01 PM

Thanks for your input, smithgirl! Ariel's demisexuality isn't a focus of the novel, but I thought it might be an interesting selling point. I haven't seen many asexual characters of any sort in fiction. The other LGBTQ+ characters of note are some of Ariel's allies, who I don't really have time or space to speak of in the query.

 

Dear Agent:

 

The world is, on the surface, perfectly mundane. This first sentence isn't the hook we need. Magic is nothing but clever tricks and non-human people are only myths and fairy-tales. And the few who know otherwise—like sixteen-year-old Ariel Hawk and her family—are derided as mad. But the Fae exist whether or not mortals believe in them. Try we reorganizing this information backwards, that way we get the meat of this world first.

 

To most, people like sixteen-year-old Ariel Hawk and her family are known as mad. They believe and (blank). But the Fae exist whether or not mortals....

 

I just feel like if you were to go off the first two sentences, I have no idea of any character or any plot. All I know is the world is mundane and people don't believe in magic.

 

And one has chosen Ariel to be his bride, whether or not she consents. Wait, is the Fae a species? "And one"? And one what? "One Fae"? What is a Fae?

 

Even if Ariel wanted a boyfriend, let alone a fiancé, she’d never choose a Fae. And now I understand. But will the agent understand? Maybe reorganize that so I don't have to reread, or jump ahead. Especially not Prince Fiachra of the Winter Court. He’s as cruel as he is beautiful, embodying everything Ariel fears and hates about his kind. Soon after he kidnaps her to Faerie, she discovers he has his eye on his father’s throne. Having a wife will finally make his father deem him worthy of it—or so Fiachra hopes.

 

Then all he needs to do is kill the king.

 

For now, Fiachra is more interested in subduing Ariel than wooing her, using enchantment as often as force. The king, well-meaning but neglectful and misguided, dismisses her warnings and pleas for help as hyperbole. And accepting help from the few Fae who offer it means setting aside a lifetime of prejudice. But she must if she wants to escape Faerie. If Fiachra’s patience and sanity are pushed too far, he might just kill Ariel too.

 

WINTER’S QUEEN is a YA fantasy of 83,000 words. It features a demisexual protagonist as well as other LGBTQ+ representation. Thank you for your time and consideration.

I reread this 3 times to get the plot, but it is there! And it is interesting. I would just say condense, condense, condense. I had this problem too at one point, where I though "My book is about so many different things, how do I fit it into one query"? Take whatever drives the first few chapters of your book and unravel the query from there. I felt every paragraph jumped further into the book. The query should leave a mystery and present one large problem the character has. It is easier to write a query from one central problem and keep it more condensed.



#362 Ireth

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Posted 30 September 2017 - 10:59 AM

For sixteen-year-old Ariel Hawk and her family, stories of the Fae—fearsome demigod-like beings of Irish and Welsh myth—are dangerously real. Though their peers call them mad, the Hawks cling resolutely to their knowledge of the supernatural, and to the iron in their pockets.

 

When Prince Fiachra of the Winter Court claims her as his bride, Ariel says no with an iron frying pan to his face. Undaunted, he kidnaps her to Faerie anyway. There she discovers he has his eye on his father’s throne. And once he marries Ariel on Midwinter night, he’ll kill the king to claim it.

 

Why Fiachra would choose an ordinary human like Ariel over another Fae, she can’t guess. All Ariel cares about is escaping Faerie before the wedding, and surviving Fiachra’s abusive so-called courtship in the meantime. Though she pleads to the king for help and warns him of Fiachra’s plot, he dismisses her fears as hyperbole. But a few Fae see Ariel’s plight for what it is, and are willing to help her—if Ariel can overcome her prejudice to let them.

 

While Fiachra tempts her with immortality-giving fruit and hypnotic Glamour, Ariel conspires with his grudge-fuelled sister to find a way home safely. But every escape attempt she makes wears down both Fiachra’s patience and his sanity. If Ariel ends up pushing him too far, he might just kill her too.

 

WINTER’S QUEEN is a YA fantasy of 83,000 words. It features a demisexual protagonist as well as other LGBTQ+ representation. Thank you for your time and consideration.


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#363 jaustail

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Posted 30 September 2017 - 12:33 PM

JMO:

 

For sixteen-year-old Ariel Hawk and her family, stories of the Fae—fearsome demigod-like beings of Irish and Welsh myth(remove this. it interrupts the flow. i had to read this sentence a few times to understand it)—are dangerously real(how do they know they are real? do they see the Fae or have they encountered them before?). Though their peers call them mad, the Hawks cling resolutely to their knowledge of the supernatural, and to the iron in their pockets(i guess this means money. i dont think the fact that they are misers should be mentioned).

 

When Prince Fiachra of the Winter Court(whats a winter court? maybe: When Prince Fiacra of the neighboring kingdom, Winter Court) claims her as his bride, Ariel says no with an iron frying pan to his face. Undaunted, he kidnaps her to Faerie(why not go to his kingdom Winter Land?) anyway. There she discovers he has his eye on his father’s throne. And once he marries Ariel on Midwinter night, he’ll kill the king to claim it.(maybe mention that there is a condition that requires him to marry to be able to claim the throne?)

 

Why Fiachra would choose an ordinary human like Ariel over another Fae, she can’t guess. All Ariel cares about is escaping Faerie before the wedding, and surviving Fiachra’s abusive so-called courtship in the meantime. Though she pleads to the king for help and warns him of Fiachra’s plot(how does she know her plot? surely the prince wouldn't confess to her), he dismisses her fears as hyperbole. But a few Fae see Ariel’s plight for what it is, and are willing to help her—if Ariel can overcome her prejudice to let them.

 

While Fiachra tempts her with immortality-giving fruit and hypnotic Glamour, Ariel conspires with his grudge-fuelled sister to find a way home safely. But every escape attempt she makes wears down both Fiachra’s patience and his sanity. If Ariel ends up pushing him too far, he might just kill her too.

 

WINTER’S QUEEN is a YA fantasy of 83,000 words. It features a demisexual protagonist as well as other LGBTQ+ representation. Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

 

I guess the Prince is also a Fae. A demigod sort of person. I think there is a lot going. Too many adjectives and proper nouns and it's too much to keep in mind. I suggest simplifying this. Remove some proper nouns.



#364 lsprochnow

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Posted 06 October 2017 - 09:12 AM

For sixteen-year-old Ariel Hawk and her family, stories of the Fae—fearsome demigod-like beings of Irish and Welsh myth—are dangerously real. Though their peers call them mad, the Hawks cling resolutely to their knowledge of the supernatural, and to the iron in their pockets. I like this intro. It makes me wonder why the Hawks cling to the supernatural when nobody else does

 

When Prince Fiachra of the Winter Court claims her as his bride, Ariel says no with an iron frying pan to his face. Undaunted, he kidnaps her to Faerie anyway. There she discovers he has his eye on his father’s throne. And once he marries Ariel on Midwinter night, he’ll kill the king to claim it. Aside from Ariel getting kidnapped, this paragraph has very little to do with her. Why does she care if the prince wants to take the throne from his father? What is at stake for her?

 

Why Fiachra would choose an ordinary human like Ariel over another Fae, she can’t guess. In my opinion, finding out why the prince kidnapped Ariel instead of marrying one of his own is one of the most interesting threads in this query, but it goes almost untouched on here. Based off this line, I really can't tell if the prince chose Ariel for a specific reason or if it actually was just the whim of a prince to marry someone beneath him. I think this should be touched on a bit more All Ariel cares about is escaping Faerie before the wedding, and surviving Fiachra’s abusive so-called courtship in the meantime. Though she pleads to the king for help and warns him of Fiachra’s plot, he dismisses her fears as hyperbole. But a few Fae see Ariel’s plight for what it is, and are willing to help her—if Ariel can overcome her prejudice to let them.

 

While Fiachra tempts her with immortality-giving fruit and hypnotic Glamour why is glamour capitalized?, Ariel conspires with his grudge-fuelled sister to find a way home safely. But every escape attempt she makes wears down both Fiachra’s patience and his sanity. If Ariel ends up pushing him too far, he might just kill her too. This leads me to believe that the main reason Ariel is in danger is because she keeps trying to escape and may push the prince too far. I think we need a clearer picture of what is at stake here for Ariel. Where is the danger or court intrigue? Why was she kidnapped in the first place? One thing to work on is making Ariel more of a presence in the query rather than someone who reacts to stuff around her. I know I have difficulty with that in my query as well. Anyway, I hope some of this helps! Keep it up

 

 

WINTER’S QUEEN is a YA fantasy of 83,000 words. It features a demisexual protagonist as well as other LGBTQ+ representation. Thank you for your time and consideration.



#365 MICRONESIA

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Posted 06 October 2017 - 09:17 AM

Lreth, you don't have to answer this but...

 

You started this thread three years ago. You ARE sending queries out by now, right?


A Darkness in Spring (query | synopsis)


#366 Ireth

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Posted 06 October 2017 - 10:29 AM

Lreth, you don't have to answer this but...

 

You started this thread three years ago. You ARE sending queries out by now, right?

 

At the moment I'm finishing up another round of revisions to the MS before I query again. (Also, it's Ireth with a capital i. Bit hard to tell in this font, unfortunately!)


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#367 TheBest

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Posted 10 October 2017 - 10:06 AM

For sixteen-year-old Ariel Hawk and her family, stories of the Fae—fearsome demigod-like beings of Irish and Welsh myth—are dangerously real. Though their peers call them mad, the Hawks cling resolutely to their knowledge of the supernatural, and to the iron in their pockets. (This is a great intro. Don't know if I like 'peers' but everything else is spot on.)

 

When Prince Fiachra of the Winter Court claims her as his bride, Ariel says no with an iron frying pan to his face. Undaunted, he kidnaps her to Faerie anyway (Kidnaps 'to'? That's awkward). There she discovers he has his eye on his father’s throne. And once he marries Ariel on Midwinter night, he’ll kill the king to claim it. (Good voice in this paragraph!)

 

Why Fiachra would choose an ordinary human like Ariel over another Fae, she can’t guess. All Ariel cares about is escaping Faerie before the wedding, and surviving Fiachra’s abusive so-called courtship in the meantime. (This pulled me in. Very interesting, well established stakes and goals.) Though she pleads to the king for help and warns him of Fiachra’s plot, he dismisses her fears as hyperbole (awkward). But a few Fae see Ariel’s plight for what it is, and are willing to help her—if Ariel can overcome her prejudice to let them.

 

While Fiachra tempts her with immortality-giving fruit and hypnotic Glamour, Ariel conspires with his grudge-fuelled sister to find a way home safely. But every escape attempt she makes wears down both Fiachra’s patience and his sanity. If Ariel ends up pushing him too far, he might just kill her too. (Good ending)

 

WINTER’S QUEEN is a YA fantasy of 83,000 words. It features a demisexual protagonist as well as other LGBTQ+ representation. Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

This is a really strong query. However, I think it could be even better with a few changes in word choice. Especially since some grammar seems off only because it's the first time we're seeing it, like that Faerie is a place and not a species. Other than that, you have really well established stakes, but you might want to consider cutting a few details since it seemed a little long. Of course, those are just tiny spots in an otherwise spotless query. You've clearly been working hard on the letter for a long time, and I hope that your hard work pays off!



#368 Ireth

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Posted 10 October 2017 - 10:18 AM

Thanks, TheBest! To clarify one of your points, Faerie is a place, the home of the people called Fae. Plenty of other writers use "faerie" as a term for the people as well, but I prefer to use Faerie strictly for the realm.


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#369 Faltho

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Posted 10 October 2017 - 10:22 AM

For sixteen-year-old Ariel Hawk and her family, stories of the Fae—fearsome demigod-like beings of Irish and Welsh myth—are dangerously real. Though their peers call them mad, the Hawks cling resolutely to their knowledge of the supernatural, and to the iron in their pockets (I really like this line).

 

When Prince Fiachra of the Winter Court claims her (Would consider using Ariel, rather than her) as his bride, Ariel says no with an iron frying pan to his face. Undaunted, he kidnaps her to Faerie (I'm guessing this is a place?) anyway. There she discovers he has his eye on his father’s throne. And once he marries Ariel on Midwinter night, he’ll kill the king to claim it.

 

Why Fiachra would choose an ordinary human like Ariel over another Fae, she can’t guess. All Ariel cares about is escaping Faerie before the wedding, and surviving Fiachra’s abusive so-called courtship in the meantime. Though she pleads to the king for help and warns him of Fiachra’s plot, he dismisses her fears as hyperbole. But a few Fae see Ariel’s plight for what it is, and are willing to help her—if Ariel can overcome her prejudice to let them.

 

While Fiachra tempts her with immortality-giving fruit and hypnotic Glamour, Ariel conspires with his grudge-fuelled sister to find a way home safely. But every escape attempt she makes wears down both Fiachra’s patience and his sanity. If Ariel ends up pushing him too far, he might just kill her too.

 

WINTER’S QUEEN is a YA fantasy of 83,000 words. It features a demisexual protagonist as well as other LGBTQ+ representation. Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

Extremely solid query in my opinion. Not sure they is anything I'd change. I'd appreciate a look at my Synopsis, and I'll return the favor on your as well!



#370 Ireth

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Posted 18 October 2017 - 02:42 PM

Trying out something a tad different, not sure if it works... If not I'll probably stick with my previous draft.

 

Dear Agent:

 

For sixteen-year-old Ariel Hawk and her family, stories of the fearsome, demigod-like Fae are dangerously real. Though their peers call them mad, the Hawks cling stubbornly to their knowledge of the supernatural, and to the Fae-repelling iron in their pockets.

 

Unluckily for Ariel, her knowledge entices Fiachra, a prince of Faerie, to claim her as his bride. And neither her friends’ disbelief nor Ariel’s iron frying pan hitting Fiachra’s face deters him. Both to spite the disbelievers and to cement his claim on Ariel, (**Alternate phrasing below; opinions apreciatedhe kidnaps her to Faerie. Only there does she discover Fiachra has his eye on his father’s throne. And once he marries her on Midwinter night, he’ll kill the king to seize it.

 

Ariel’s drive to escape from Faerie becomes as much about protecting the king as saving herself. When the king dismisses her warnings as hyperbole, Ariel confides in Fiachra’s sister, who harbors a deep grudge against her brother. Together they hatch their own schemes to sneak Ariel out of Faerie and derail Fiachra’s plan. But every escape attempt only wears down both Fiachra’s patience and his sanity. If Ariel ends up pushing him too far, he might just kill her too.

 

WINTER’S QUEEN is a YA fantasy of 83,000 words. It features a demisexual protagonist as well as other LGBT+ representation. Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

**Ariel’s cast-iron frying pan hitting his face deters him for a moment, but her friends’ disbelief compels him to follow through out of sheer spite. 


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/





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