Thanks for your input, smithgirl! Ariel's demisexuality isn't a focus of the novel, but I thought it might be an interesting selling point. I haven't seen many asexual characters of any sort in fiction. The other LGBTQ+ characters of note are some of Ariel's allies, who I don't really have time or space to speak of in the query.
The world is, on the surface, perfectly mundane.This first sentence isn't the hook we need. Magic is nothing but clever tricks and non-human people are only myths and fairy-tales. And the few who know otherwise—like sixteen-year-old Ariel Hawk and her family—are derided as mad. But the Fae exist whether or not mortals believe in them. Try we reorganizing this information backwards, that way we get the meat of this world first.
To most, people like sixteen-year-old Ariel Hawk and her family are known as mad. They believe and (blank). But the Fae exist whether or not mortals....
I just feel like if you were to go off the first two sentences, I have no idea of any character or any plot. All I know is the world is mundane and people don't believe in magic.
And one has chosen Ariel to be his bride, whether or not she consents. Wait, is the Fae a species? "And one"? And one what? "One Fae"? What is a Fae?
Even if Ariel wanted a boyfriend, let alone a fiancé, she’d never choose a Fae. And now I understand. But will the agent understand? Maybe reorganize that so I don't have to reread, or jump ahead. Especially not Prince Fiachra of the Winter Court. He’s as cruel as he is beautiful, embodying everything Ariel fears and hates about his kind. Soon after he kidnaps her to Faerie, she discovers he has his eye on his father’s throne. Having a wife will finally make his father deem him worthy of it—or so Fiachra hopes.
Then all he needs to do is kill the king.
For now, Fiachra is more interested in subduing Ariel than wooing her, using enchantment as often as force. The king, well-meaning but neglectful and misguided, dismisses her warnings and pleas for help as hyperbole. And accepting help from the few Fae who offer it means setting aside a lifetime of prejudice. But she must if she wants to escape Faerie. If Fiachra’s patience and sanity are pushed too far, he might just kill Ariel too.
WINTER’S QUEEN is a YA fantasy of 83,000 words. It features a demisexual protagonist as well as other LGBTQ+ representation. Thank you for your time and consideration.
I reread this 3 times to get the plot, but it is there! And it is interesting. I would just say condense, condense, condense. I had this problem too at one point, where I though "My book is about so many different things, how do I fit it into one query"? Take whatever drives the first few chapters of your book and unravel the query from there. I felt every paragraph jumped further into the book. The query should leave a mystery and present one large problem the character has. It is easier to write a query from one central problem and keep it more condensed.