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WINTER'S QUEEN - (YA fantasy)


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#21 Ireth

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Posted 15 April 2014 - 01:21 PM

Round three. Here we go:

 

Dear Agent:

 

Sixteen-year-old Ariel Hawk wishes she didn't believe in the Fae. Maybe then Prince Fiachra wouldn't have kidnapped her from twenty-first-century England to who-knows-what-century Faerie. Now she's stuck there, with Fiachra's ring on her finger and a wedding date looming on Midwinter Eve. If she doesn't escape before then, she'll lose her family and friends, her home, and her humanity.

 

Luckily for Ariel, Midwinter Eve is still seven weeks off. Her dad might be able to save her, but she won't sit around waiting for him. She's got her hands full juggling Fiachra's happiness, her safety, and the hope of being rescued if she can't save herself from His Royal Smugness.

 

Fiachra uses anything and everything to delight and woo her, from gowns with unicorn-hair embroidery to enchanted feasts and dances. When she dodges his magic tricks by willpower and spurns his false kindness in favor of fleeing the castle, he locks her in a dungeon. His cruelty only strengthens her resolve. She breaks out of her cell and braves the woods beyond the castle to find her dad by herself. There she learns he's in Faerie, and on his way to her -- right before she's recaptured.

 

As time runs out, so does Fiachra's patience. When he changes his mind about his plans for her, Ariel's stubbornness turns to desperation. Knowing her dad is coming for her only makes her more afraid. He'd better hurry, or Ariel won't live to turn seventeen, much less turn immortal.

 

WINTER'S QUEEN is a YA fantasy of 80,000 words. It will appeal to fans of O.R. Melling's The Chronicles of Faerie and Garry Kilworth's Knights of Liöfwende. Thank you for your time and consideration.


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#22 jadah

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Posted 15 April 2014 - 01:42 PM

Round three. Here we go:

 

Dear Agent:

 

Sixteen-year-old Ariel Hawk wishes she didn't believe in the Fae. Maybe then Prince Fiachra wouldn't have kidnapped her from twenty-first-century England to who-knows-what-century Faerie. Now she's stuck there, with Fiachra's ring on her finger and a wedding date looming on Midwinter Eve. If she doesn't escape before then, she'll lose her family and friends, her home, and her humanity. It reads smoother without this detail. I suggest adding it to the last paragraph if you're going to keep it, or else it seems to come much too soon. It also makes it a snappier opening without this clunky sentence.

 

Luckily for Ariel, that date is still seven weeks off. Her dad might be able to save her, but she won't sit around waiting for him. She's got her hands full juggling Fiachra's happiness, her safety, and the hope of being rescued if she can't save herself from His Royal Smugness.

 

Fiachra uses anything and everything to delight and woo her, from gowns with unicorn-hair embroidery to enchanted feasts and dances. When she dodges his magic tricks by willpower and spurns his false kindness in favor of fleeing the castle, he locks her in a dungeon. His cruelty only strengthens her resolve. She breaks out of her cell and braves the woods beyond the castle to find her dad by herself. There she learns he's in Faerie, and on his way to her -- right before she's recaptured. Good up until this point. The last few sentences read too much like a synopsis. You're telling us what she does instead of giving us the plot. Easy fix. 

 

As time runs out, so does Fiachra's patience. When he changes his mind about his plans for her, Ariel's stubbornness turns to desperation.This is an empty phrase that doesn't really add anything. Knowing her dad is coming for her only makes her more afraid. I already know she's afraid, but what's she going to do about it? He'd better hurry, or Ariel won't live to turn seventeen, much less turn immortal. Wot, m8? This immortal business comes out of nowhere. Need more deets on that.

 

WINTER'S QUEEN is a YA fantasy of 80,000 words. It will appeal to fans of O.R. Melling's The Chronicles of Faerie and Garry Kilworth's Knights of Liöfwende. Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

Good revision. Well written.


Find ARTIFICIAL on Goodreads and Amazon!

 

 

 


#23 Ireth

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Posted 15 April 2014 - 01:51 PM

It reads smoother without this detail. I suggest adding it to the last paragraph if you're going to keep it, or else it seems to come much too soon. It also makes it a snappier opening without this clunky sentence. If I don't include it, though, there's no indication of stakes until the end. Don't agents like knowing the stakes right from the start? Plus, the bit about losing her humanity ties into the "turning immortal" I mention at the end. I thought it'd be good to mention it sooner, rather than having it come out of nowhere at the end.

 

Good up until this point. The last few sentences read too much like a synopsis. You're telling us what she does instead of giving us the plot. Easy fix.  Aren't they one and the same? This is Ariel's story, after all, and what she does is what matters most. How might I fix this?

 

Wot, m8? This immortal business comes out of nowhere. Need more deets on that. See my comment about the stakes in the first paragraph. Losing her humanity = turning immortal.

 

Thanks again for your comments. :D


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#24 jadah

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Posted 15 April 2014 - 02:26 PM

Bottom line, it's your query and you can do what you want. I'm just giving you my opinions and suggestions for you to sift through. Take the ones you like and leave the rest.

 

I don't think that stakes should be listed in the opening paragraph. It should be a gradual progression, a crescendo of plot. You have to build up to that breaking point before you drop the ball on us. Even with that sentence, it still comes out of nowhere at the end. It doesn't really explain much. It doesn't tell me why her mortality is at stake, it only tells me that she will lose her humanity (among several other things) if she can't escape Fiachra.

 

No, a synopsis is not the same thing as revealing the plot in a query. "He locks her in a dungeon. Ariel breaks out of her cell. Ariel then learns her father is in Faerie. Ariel is captured again." That just lists her actions. What does it REALLY lend to the overall arc?

 

I get the feeling that Fiachra's "changed plans" have to do with the immortality bit, but I can't put 2 and 2 together if you don't make it a little more obvious for me.


Find ARTIFICIAL on Goodreads and Amazon!

 

 

 


#25 oenone

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Posted 15 April 2014 - 02:28 PM

Round three. Here we go:

 

Dear Agent:

 

Sixteen-year-old Ariel Hawk wishes she didn't believe in the Fae. Maybe then Prince Fiachra wouldn't have kidnapped her from twenty-first-century England to who-knows-what-century Faerie. Now she's stuck there, with Fiachra's ring on her finger and a wedding date looming on Midwinter Eve. If she doesn't escape before then, she'll lose her family and friends, her home, and her humanity. why?

 

Luckily for Ariel, Midwinter Eve is still seven weeks off. Her dad (yay! Daddies are always to the rescue :)---perhaps a hint about how or why he's able to find her and maybe some mention of why Ariel has caught the prince's eye?  Is she human?  That's not made clear) might be able to save her, but she won't sit around waiting for him. She's got her hands full juggling Fiachra's happiness, her safety, and the hope of being rescued if she can't save herself from His Royal Smugness.

 

Fiachra uses anything and everything to delight and woo her, from gowns with unicorn-hair embroidery to enchanted feasts and dances--beautiful detail!. When she dodges his magic tricks by willpower and spurns his false kindness in favor of fleeing the castle (Maybe, "But his magic is nothing to her will and when Ariel flees the castle, she's thrown into a dungeon."?), he locks her in a dungeon. His cruelty only strengthens her resolve--too heavy handed. She breaks out of her cell and braves the woods beyond the castle to find her dad by herself. There she learns he's in Faerie, and on his way to her -- right before she's recaptured.

 

As time runs out, so does Fiachra's patience. When he changes his mind about his plans for her, Ariel's stubbornness turns to desperation (changes his mind to what and Ariel's stubbornness about what, marrying him?). Knowing her dad is coming for her only makes her more afraid. He'd better hurry, or Ariel won't live to turn seventeen, much less turn immortal.

 

WINTER'S QUEEN is a YA fantasy of 80,000 words. It will appeal to fans of O.R. Melling's The Chronicles of Faerie and Garry Kilworth's Knights of Liöfwende. Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

This sounds really beautiful, but some of the sentences make Ariel sound rather passive at times?



#26 Ireth

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Posted 15 April 2014 - 02:49 PM

Thanks again, Jadah and Oenone. :)

 

Bottom line, it's your query and you can do what you want. I'm just giving you my opinions and suggestions for you to sift through. Take the ones you like and leave the rest.

 

I don't think that stakes should be listed in the opening paragraph. It should be a gradual progression, a crescendo of plot. You have to build up to that breaking point before you drop the ball on us. Even with that sentence, it still comes out of nowhere at the end. It doesn't really explain much. It doesn't tell me why her mortality is at stake, it only tells me that she will lose her humanity (among several other things) if she can't escape Fiachra. I'll have to work on rephrasing it, then.

 

No, a synopsis is not the same thing as revealing the plot in a query. "He locks her in a dungeon. Ariel breaks out of her cell. Ariel then learns her father is in Faerie. Ariel is captured again." That just lists her actions. What does it REALLY lend to the overall arc? Aah, I see what you're saying now. :)

 

I get the feeling that Fiachra's "changed plans" have to do with the immortality bit, but I can't put 2 and 2 together if you don't make it a little more obvious for me. No, the changed plans have to do with Ariel's life being at stake. Her (im)mortality has to do with their marriage.

 

If she doesn't escape before then, she'll lose her family and friends, her home, and her humanity. why? Because she'll be trapped in Faerie, unable to leave once she loses her humanity and becomes immortal, and even if she manages to escape, there's a chance she won't return to her own proper time on Earth. Everyone she knows and loves could be dead, or not yet born.

 

perhaps a hint about how or why he's able to find her and maybe some mention of why Ariel has caught the prince's eye?  Is she human?  That's not made clear She catches his eye because she believes in the Fae, which is stated in the first couple of sentences. As for her dad, getting that detail in might be tricky.

 

His cruelty only strengthens her resolve--too heavy handed. Any suggestions for rephrasing it?

 

(changes his mind to what and Ariel's stubbornness about what, marrying him?) He changes his mind to wanting to kill her instead of marrying her (hence the detail of her not living to turn seventeen), and her stubbornness is about trying to escape. Always.

 

This sounds really beautiful, but some of the sentences make Ariel sound rather passive at times? - That's definitely smething to work on. Could you gie me some specific examples?


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#27 oenone

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Posted 15 April 2014 - 03:25 PM

Round three. Here we go:

 

 

 

Dear Agent:

 

Sixteen-year-old Ariel Hawk wishes she didn't believe in the Fae. Maybe then Prince Fiachra wouldn't have kidnapped her from twenty-first-century England to who-knows-what-century Faerie. Now she's Stuck in Faerie, with Prince Fiachra's ring on her finger and a wedding date looming on Midwinter Eve, sixteen-year-old Ariel Hawke is determined to get home.

 

If she doesn't escape before then, she'll lose her family and friends, her home, and her humanity.

 

Luckily for Ariel, Midwinter Eve is still seven weeks off  With seven weeks until the marriage, there's still a slim chance her dad, maybe some reference that he can see the fay, might find his way to her, but she's not taking any chances.  She's got her hands full juggling Fiachra's happiness, her safety, and the hope of being rescued (this is what sounds passive) if she can't save herself from His Royal Smugness.

 

Fiachra uses anything and everything to delight and woo her, from gowns with unicorn-hair embroidery to enchanted feasts and dances. After spurning his gifts of unicorn-hair gowns and enchanted feasts, Ariel tries to escape.  And that's when his wooing takes a sinister turn.  dodges his magic tricks by willpower and spurns his false kindness in favor of fleeing the castle, he locks her in a dungeon. But locking her in a dungeon can't kill her resolve.   cruelty only strengthens her resolve. She breaks out of her cell and braves the woods beyond the castle to find her dad by herself. There she learns he's in Faerie, and on his way to her -- right before she's recaptured. (maybe there's some line about how they can work together now that she's back in the dungeon? Otherwise, it just sounds like she's caught, thrown back, caught, thrown back and is now in dire help, it needs resolution on her part)

 

As time runs out, so does Fiachra's patience.  Fiachra's courtship soon turns to contempt.  And Ariel has only days left to stall his plans, When he changes his mind about his plans for her, Ariel's stubbornness turns to desperation. Knowing her dad is coming for her only makes her more afraid. He'd better hurry, (line like these place the burden of plot movement on a secondary character, what is Ariel doing?) or Ariel won't live to turn seventeen, much less turn immortal.

 

WINTER'S QUEEN is a YA fantasy of 80,000 words. It will appeal to fans of O.R. Melling's The Chronicles of Faerie and Garry Kilworth's Knights of Liöfwende. Thank you for your time and consideration.



#28 Ireth

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Posted 15 April 2014 - 03:35 PM

Sixteen-year-old Ariel Hawk wishes she didn't believe in the Fae. Maybe then Prince Fiachra wouldn't have kidnapped her from twenty-first-century England to who-knows-what-century Faerie. Now she's Stuck in Faerie, with Prince Fiachra's ring on her finger and a wedding date looming on Midwinter Eve, sixteen-year-old Ariel Hawke (no 'e') is determined to get home. I'd prefer to lead with the heroine's name, to keep things more clear.

 

maybe some reference that he can see the fay, They both can, as long as the Fae want to be seen. That's nothing noteworthy.

 

and the hope of being rescued (this is what sounds passive) I see. I was hoping her attempts to escape would mitigate that, whether or not she fails.

 

(maybe there's some line about how they can work together now that she's back in the dungeon? Otherwise, it just sounds like she's caught, thrown back, caught, thrown back and is now in dire help, it needs resolution on her part) Well, the "escape - capture - thrown back" cycle is basically what happens for her side of the plot, until the climax. There's no chance of her working together with her dad, since he's miles away -- Ariel learns that from a Fae who's seen him and is going to warn the prince. No room to fit all that in a query, though. Also, Ariel doesn't end up back in the dungeon, just back in the castle. That's when things start to change for the worse.

 

(line like these place the burden of plot movement on a secondary character, what is Ariel doing?) See above. It's not her fault she's in over her head and can't efficiently save herself.

 

I'm starting to think the problem lies more with the novel itself than with the query. It's in beta-reading mode right now, so once it gets some feedback I'll see about making changes. (And I was so hoping to be done with it already... sigh!)


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#29 jadah

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Posted 15 April 2014 - 03:54 PM

Ireth, I was just going to say the exact same thing. We're all pointing out the same issue- that Ariel seems to be a passive MC (which is something you definitely don't want a MC to be). Don't bite my head off... but it sounds like the problem is with the plot and not the query. You obviously can't put something in a query that isn't in the book. It sucks to think you're at the last stretch only to find out there's something else you have to fix...but I know you'd rather have the best finished product you can possibly have. Sometimes these things are a blessing in disguise. Just think of it as a challenge to make your novel even better than it already is. You may be surprised with the results.


Find ARTIFICIAL on Goodreads and Amazon!

 

 

 


#30 Ireth

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Posted 15 April 2014 - 04:07 PM

Ireth, I was just going to say the exact same thing. We're all pointing out the same issue- that Ariel seems to be a passive MC (which is something you definitely don't want a MC to be). Don't bite my head off... but it sounds like the problem is with the plot and not the query. You obviously can't put something in a query that isn't in the book. It sucks to think you're at the last stretch only to find out there's something else you have to fix...but I know you'd rather have the best finished product you can possibly have. Sometimes these things are a blessing in disguise. Just think of it as a challenge to make your novel even better than it already is. You may be surprised with the results.

 

I get what you're saying. I just don't know what else I can have Ariel do. She's an ordinary human girl up against multiple powerful immortals who have a distinct home turf advantage over her. I don't want to give her superpowers or anything to defeat the bad guy herself, because that would undermine the theme of perseverance and cooperation leading to success. (This holds true for both Ariel and her dad -- they accomplish much more by teamwork with others [not necessarily each other] than they do alone.) And yet making that clear in the query would kinda spoil the ending, I think.


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#31 Robin Breyer

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Posted 15 April 2014 - 04:28 PM

I'll give you a big tip on queries. Don't tell the whole story. Stick to the basics that are important. The goal is to get the agent to ask for pages. If they want to know how it ends, they'll ask for a summary first. Queries need to be very basic. Skip all the depth in your story and just cover the main character and their big problem.


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#32 Ireth

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Posted 15 April 2014 - 06:46 PM

Alright, trying this again...

 

Dear Agent:

 

Sixteen-year-old Ariel Hawk wishes she didn't believe in the Fae. Maybe then Prince Fiachra wouldn't have kidnapped her from twenty-first-century England to who-knows-what-century Faerie. Now she's stuck there, with Fiachra's ring on her finger and a wedding date looming on Midwinter Eve.

 

Luckily for Ariel, that date is still seven weeks off. For now, she's got her hands full juggling Fiachra's happiness alongside her safety, sanity and hope. If she can't get out one way or another, she'll gain immortality and a life of luxury as a princess of Faerie, but at the cost of her humanity and everything she loves.

 

Fiachra uses anything and everything to delight and woo her, from silken gowns with unicorn-hair embroidery to enchanted feasts and dances. Dodging his magic, spurning his false kindness and throwing away his ring land Ariel in trouble after trouble -- first a whipping, then a few days in an icy dungeon.

 

Ariel refuses to be tamed, and redoubles her efforts to escape, clinging to hope. Sure, she might need help along the way, but there's nothing wrong with that. She's only human, after all, and she intends to stay that way.

 

WINTER'S QUEEN is a YA fantasy of 80,000 words. It will appeal to fans of O.R. Melling's The Chronicles of Faerie and Garry Kilworth's Knights of Liöfwende. Thank you for your time and consideration.


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#33 Astlel

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Posted 15 April 2014 - 09:16 PM

Alright, trying this again...

 

Dear Agent:

 

Sixteen-year-old Ariel Hawk wishes she didn't believe in the Fae. Maybe then Prince Fiachra wouldn't have kidnapped her from twenty-first-century England to who-knows-what-century Faerie. Cute hook Now she's stuck there, with Fiachra's ring on her finger and a their wedding date looming on Midwinter Eve.

 

Luckily for Ariel, that date is still seven weeks off. For now, she's got her hands full juggling Fiachra's happiness alongside her safety, sanity and hope. Why does she care about making him happy? If she can't get out one way or another, she'll gain immortality and a life of luxury as a princess of Faerie, but at the cost of her humanity and everything she loves. This seems a little wordy. Maybe 'If she can't escape the marriage, she'll gain immortality and become a princess of Faerie... but at the cost of her humanity.'

 

Fiachra uses anything and everything to delight and woo her, from silken gowns with unicorn-hair embroidery sweet detail to enchanted feasts and dances. Dodging his magic, spurning his false kindness and throwing away his ring land this construction threw me Ariel in trouble after trouble -- first a whipping, then a few days in an icy dungeon.

 

Ariel refuses to be tamed, and redoubles her efforts to escape, clinging to hope. Sure, she might need help along the way, but there's nothing wrong with that. She's only human, after all, and she intends to stay that way.Nice closing

 

WINTER'S QUEEN is a YA fantasy of 80,000 words. It will appeal to fans of O.R. Melling's The Chronicles of Faerie and Garry Kilworth's Knights of Liöfwende. Thank you for your time and consideration.



#34 Ireth

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Posted 15 April 2014 - 09:22 PM

Thanks for your comments, Astlel! The main reason Ariel cares about making Fiachra happy is because as long as he's happy, she's safe. It's when she acts against his wishes and ticks him off that she gets into trouble -- which of course is the whole point. I might omit the bit about his happiness, since it ties in directly with Ariel's safety anyway.


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#35 jadah

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  • Publishing Experience:My debut NA sci-fi novel, ARTIFICIAL, was pubbed April 4 by Curiosity Quills Press. The sequel, ORGANIC, is forthcoming May 2017.

Posted 15 April 2014 - 09:31 PM

Much better.

Find ARTIFICIAL on Goodreads and Amazon!

 

 

 


#36 ShelleyC

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Posted 16 April 2014 - 01:34 AM

I can see there's been a bit of discussion and a few versions, but just to let you know I'm just going to comment on this version as if I was an agent reading it with fresh eyes!

 

 

Dear Agent:

 

 

Sixteen-year-old Ariel Hawk wishes she didn't believe in the Fae. Maybe then Prince Fiachra wouldn't have kidnapped her from twenty-first-century England to who-knows-what-century Faerie. Now she's stuck there, with Fiachra's ring on her finger and a wedding date looming on Midwinter Eve. [I'm not sure this is the best possible hook for your story. It makes me think that belief is important - like, with Tinkerbell, if you don't believe in fairies they don't exist. Is this the case in your novel? If not, could you rework the hook to highlight what's really at stake, e.g. just maybe start with the kidnapping - that might be more succinct and therefore have a bigger impact]

 

Luckily for Ariel, that date is still seven weeks off. For now, she's got her hands full juggling Fiachra's happiness alongside her safety, sanity and hope. If she can't get out one way or another, she'll gain immortality and a life of luxury as a princess of Faerie, but at the cost of her humanity and everything she loves. [I'm not sure why she would try to keep him happy - juggle his happiness - if she doesn't like him; does she like him? Is she only resisting marrying him because she wants to stay human? is she tempted? are there romantic elements in this plot? why did he kidnap her specifically? were they in a relationship before he stole her away?]

 

Fiachra uses anything and everything to delight and woo her, from silken gowns with unicorn-hair embroidery to enchanted feasts and dances. Dodging his magic, spurning his false kindness and throwing away his ring land Ariel in trouble after trouble -- first a whipping, then a few days in an icy dungeon.[I'd suggest that we don't need this level of detail about plot events as I feel it gives away a bit of the plot rather than teases. I suggest putting the first sentence of this paragraph into the previous paragraph and cutting the second paragraph here]

 

Ariel refuses to be tamed, and redoubles her efforts to escape, clinging to hope. Sure, she might need help along the way, but there's nothing wrong with that. She's only human, after all, and she intends to stay that way.

 

WINTER'S QUEEN is a YA fantasy of 80,000 words. It will appeal to fans of O.R. Melling's The Chronicles of Faerie and Garry Kilworth's Knights of Liöfwende. Thank you for your time and consideration

 

As a potential reader I'd like to know if this story is a romance (romantic suspense) or something else, so it might be worth making it clearer how she feels about Fiachra. Are there any other key characters?



#37 Ireth

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Posted 16 April 2014 - 10:01 AM

Thanks for commenting, ShelleyC!

 

[I'm not sure this is the best possible hook for your story. It makes me think that belief is important - like, with Tinkerbell, if you don't believe in fairies they don't exist. Is this the case in your novel? If not, could you rework the hook to highlight what's really at stake, e.g. just maybe start with the kidnapping - that might be more succinct and therefore have a bigger impact] Ariel's belief in the Fae is important because it's what drives Fiachra to choose her as his bride-to-be, not because it has any impact on the Fae's existence. What with the dominance of so many other religions on Earth, the Fae think nobody really believes in them anymore. Finding someone who does is a pleasant surprise.

 

[I'm not sure why she would try to keep him happy - juggle his happiness - if she doesn't like him; does she like him? No, she loathes him and wants to escape. But as I said to Astlel, Fiachra's happiness and Ariel's safety are directly related.

Is she only resisting marrying him because she wants to stay human? Yes.

is she tempted? No.

are there romantic elements in this plot? No.

why did he kidnap her specifically? See above; it's because she believes in his kind.

were they in a relationship before he stole her away?] No, neither of them knew the other existed.

 

[I'd suggest that we don't need this level of detail about plot events as I feel it gives away a bit of the plot rather than teases. I suggest putting the first sentence of this paragraph into the previous paragraph and cutting the second paragraph here] I'm not sure how else to emphasize that Ariel is fighting her situation, though. I want to give a sense of what Fiachra does and how she handles it.

 

As a potential reader I'd like to know if this story is a romance (romantic suspense) or something else, so it might be worth making it clearer how she feels about Fiachra. Are there any other key characters? It's really an anti-romance, if anything. The other most important character is Ariel's dad, who gets into Faerie and rushes to save her even as she tries to save herself. Previous drafts of this query made mention of him, as well as Ariel's hope that he'd be able to help her, but those were remarked on as making her seem too passive.


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#38 Ireth

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Posted 16 April 2014 - 10:22 AM

Dear Agent:

 

Sixteen-year-old Ariel Hawk wishes she didn't believe in the Fae. Maybe then Prince Fiachra wouldn't have kidnapped her from twenty-first-century England to who-knows-what-century Faerie. Now she's stuck there, with Fiachra's ring on her finger and their wedding date looming on Midwinter Eve.

 

Luckily for Ariel, that date is still seven weeks off. For now, she's got her hands full juggling her safety, sanity and hope. If she doesn't escape before the wedding, she'll become a princess of the Winter Court, and gain immortal life... but at the cost of her humanity.

 

Fiachra uses anything and everything to delight and woo her, from silken gowns with unicorn-hair embroidery to enchanted feasts and balls. Ariel dodges his magic with willpower, spurns his false kindness and flees the castle in secret, but lands in a heap of trouble -- first a whipping, then a few days in an icy dungeon.

 

Ariel refuses to be tamed, and redoubles her efforts to escape. Sure, she might need help along the way, but there's nothing wrong with that. She's only human, after all, and she intends to stay that way.

 

WINTER'S QUEEN is a YA fantasy of 80,000 words. It will appeal to fans of O.R. Melling's The Chronicles of Faerie and Garry Kilworth's Knights of Liöfwende. Thank you for your time and consideration.


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#39 aehearn

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Posted 16 April 2014 - 12:13 PM

?

Dear Agent:

 

Sixteen-year-old Ariel Hawk wishes she didn't believe in the Fae. <<For some reason, I want to put the emphasis on 'wishes' not 'didn't'. Are the italics necessary? Maybe then Prince Fiachra wouldn't have kidnapped her from twenty-first-century England to who-knows-what-century Faerie. Now she's stuck there, with Fiachra's ring on her finger and their wedding date looming on Midwinter Eve. <<Nice stakes and voice! Only question, is Ariel's belief in the Fae what got her kidnapped? Why does she believe in them then?

 

Luckily for Ariel, that date is still seven weeks off. <<Takes some of the wind out of the sails of the last paragraph. Even if the wedding is a ways off, I like feeling that it's eminent. For now, she's got her hands full juggling her safety, sanity and hope. <<Vague. I'd like to know more about why she has these feelings. Not just that she has them. If she doesn't escape before the wedding, she'll become a princess of the Winter Court, (delete comma) and gain immortal life... but at the cost of her humanity. <<Close, but she's not on earth, so this doesn't seem too bad. Unless her real goal's to get home. Or it means being wed to a monster forever.

 

Fiachra uses anything and everything to delight and woo her, from silken gowns with unicorn-hair embroidery to enchanted feasts and balls to delight and woo her. Ariel dodges his magic with willpower, <<Still want to know why this guys such a bad dude spurns his false kindness and flees the castle in secret, but lands in a heap of trouble -- first a whipping, (no comma) then a few days in an icy dungeon.

 

Ariel refuses to be tamed, and redoubles her efforts to escape. <<Escape the dungeon, Prince Fiachra, or Faerie in general? Sure, she might need help along the way, but there's nothing wrong with that. She's only human, after all, and she intends to stay that way. <Lol!

 

WINTER'S QUEEN is a YA fantasy of 80,000 words. It will appeal to fans of O.R. Melling's The Chronicles of Faerie and Garry Kilworth's Knights of Liöfwende. Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

Very intriguing mythology and I love how 'take charge' your protagonist feels.

 

The sakes are close, but not quite there for me. I get that Ariel wants to stay human—that's her goal. What happens if she doesn't achieve that goal? She becomes a Fae and ___? I think more characterization of Fiachra might help here.

 

I'm revisiting my query after putting it aside for a month. If you have the chance, it's The Book of Adam: Descent.

 

Best,

 

Ashley



#40 Ireth

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Posted 16 April 2014 - 12:49 PM

Thanks for reading and commenting, Ashley!

 

<<For some reason, I want to put the emphasis on 'wishes' not 'didn't'. Are the italics necessary? The emphasis on 'didn't' is intentional, though not strictly necessary. Wishing isn't the important part; it's what she believes that's important.

 

<<Nice stakes and voice! Only question, is Ariel's belief in the Fae what got her kidnapped? Why does she believe in them then? Yes it is. She believes because she has concrete proof that they exist, in the form of prior encounters with them, and it's kinda hard to fully disbelieve something like that.

 

<<Vague. I'd like to know more about why she has these feelings. Not just that she has them. Noted. :)

 

<<Close, but she's not on earth, so this doesn't seem too bad. Unless her real goal's to get home. Or it means being wed to a monster forever. It's both.

 

<<Still want to know why this guys such a bad dude Well, the kidnapping is a pretty big clue. Also the whipping and the dungeon in the next sentence.

 

<<Escape the dungeon, Prince Fiachra, or Faerie in general? All three.

 

Very intriguing mythology and I love how 'take charge' your protagonist feels. Thanks!

 

The sakes are close, but not quite there for me. I get that Ariel wants to stay human—that's her goal. What happens if she doesn't achieve that goal? She becomes a Fae and ___? ...will never see her home or loved ones again. I think more characterization of Fiachra might help here. Agreed.

 

I'm revisiting my query after putting it aside for a month. If you have the chance, it's The Book of Adam: Descent. Sure, I'll check it out!


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/





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