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Winter's Queen (YA fantasy) - hook help


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#1 Ireth

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Posted 13 April 2014 - 01:05 PM

Here's my first go at a Twitter-style hook for Winter's Queen. I don't actually have a Twitter account, but I thought I'd try this anyway.

 

Ariel Hawk is engaged to a prince. Her fairytale wedding isn't a dream come true, but a nightmare she risks her life to escape. #YA Fantasy


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#2 Kristyn

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Posted 13 April 2014 - 03:46 PM

This is too vague in my opinion. It doesn't really give an idea about what makes your story unique. After a glance at your query, I think you should include something about the fae and/or the fact she has been kidnapped. 



#3 Ireth

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Posted 13 April 2014 - 06:16 PM

Thanks, Kristyn. I've tweaked it a bit, and I think this is better.

 

Ariel is engaged to the Fae prince who kidnapped her. Now she must risk her life to escape for the sake of everything she loves. #YA Fantasy


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#4 KL Sanchez

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Posted 13 April 2014 - 06:48 PM

Much better, though I think you could combine it into one sentence and trim it a touch with some condensing of the words.

 

I wonder about the second part; it might be implied that escape could be risky from the standpoint of risk to life, but is there another character central to the story that she's escaping to?  I haven't read the query, but it might be possible to state the character (if there is one) and make the hook a bit more solid.


~ It may look like I know what I'm doing, but by no means do I know what the hell I'm talking about. ~

 

~ The only Operations Director Furry Fiesta has ever known (since 2014) ~

~ ACFI Ops, Theme & Narrative Development, and Performance lead since 2017 ~

 

WIP Stories:

Michelle (WIP - Chapter 10 as of June 2017)


#5 Ireth

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Posted 13 April 2014 - 06:53 PM

Third try:

 

Ariel is engaged to the Fae prince who kidnapped her. Now she must risk her life to find her dad, and her way home. #YA Fantasy


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#6 seadog

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Posted 14 April 2014 - 02:12 PM

Hmm . . . Now I'm wondering how Ariel's dad fits in. Will he save her? Does she need to save him? And are finding dad and finding home necessarily related?



#7 Ireth

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Posted 14 April 2014 - 02:23 PM

Hmm . . . Now I'm wondering how Ariel's dad fits in. Will he save her? Does she need to save him? And are finding dad and finding home necessarily related?

 

Good point. Finding dad and finding home are essentially the same thing, since achieving the first will help with the second. He does come to her rescue, though she doesn't know for sure if he's there for much of the story. How are these?

 

 

Ariel is engaged to the Fae prince who kidnapped her. Until her dad arrives to save her, she must try to save herself. #YA Fantasy

 

Ariel is engaged to the Fae prince who kidnapped her. Though hoping her dad will save her, she won't stop trying to save herself. #YAFantasy


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#8 seadog

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Posted 14 April 2014 - 02:42 PM

Okay, good.

 

Now, take this with a grain of salt, as I am brand new to creating hooks myself. But it seems to me that if Dad and home are essentially the same, you could leave one of them out of the hook to keep it short and sweet.

 

also, the mention of her dad, to me, suggests he has special powers. If he doesn't, and Ariel just wants his help, that makes her seem to be a weak, possibly less interesting main character.

 

Again, these are just my impressions, so I apologize if I'm missing the point. I'm hoping someone with more experience can give you better advice as to the actual rewrite.



#9 Ireth

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Posted 14 April 2014 - 03:11 PM

Well, the only "special power" her dad has is prior experience in fighting the Fae, but that's enough for Ariel to put her hope in. It's not easy getting that across in an itty-bitty pitch, though. :)


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#10 seadog

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Posted 14 April 2014 - 04:36 PM

No, it isn't. None of this is.

[sigh]



#11 KL Sanchez

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Posted 14 April 2014 - 05:07 PM

Some mystery is to be expected in a hook; not every last detail can be revealed in one line.  However, enough can be stated that it can give an idea of the main character and plot in an interesting enough way that it keeps the agent reading into the real meat of the query.

 

I think yours is doing what it needs to so far. :smile:

 

I always like to ask three questions when trying to put together a hook:

 

* Who's the main character?

* What's the primary conflict?

* How's it going to get resolved?

 

It isn't necessary to answer the third to make a good hook, but the majority of great hooks answer at least the first two and give the agent an idea of what the book's about before they read further.  They then have a pretty good basis to form an opinion of whether they want to read more.

 

Yours are solid so far, they're just missing some bit of punch that I can't quite put my finger on (but I also don't know your query).  It might help to combine it into a one-liner and tweak the structure of it just a bit.


~ It may look like I know what I'm doing, but by no means do I know what the hell I'm talking about. ~

 

~ The only Operations Director Furry Fiesta has ever known (since 2014) ~

~ ACFI Ops, Theme & Narrative Development, and Performance lead since 2017 ~

 

WIP Stories:

Michelle (WIP - Chapter 10 as of June 2017)


#12 Ireth

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Posted 14 April 2014 - 08:03 PM

Thanks for the advice, KL. If you're interested in reading my query, it's the top link in my signature. Meanwhile, I'll keep poking at my query and my hook alike.


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#13 Ireth

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Posted 14 April 2014 - 10:41 PM

Trying something a little different this time. Not sure if it works at all.

 

A fairytale wedding to her kidnapper isn't in Ariel's plans. Escape would be awesome, though. Or rescue. Got that, Dad? #YAFantasy

 

Alternately, more from the voice of Ariel herself (this might not work either, since the novel isn't in first person):

 

A fairytale wedding to my kidnapper isn't in my plans at all. Escape would be awesome, though. Or rescue. Got that, Dad? #YAFantasy


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#14 Robin Breyer

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Posted 15 April 2014 - 12:24 PM

Hooks are hard. Too many writers fall into the trap of trying to put too much story into them (including myself). A good hook is short and has the right balance of story and marketing. You only need to make the reader want to read the next sentence or ask for more.

 

Some ideas for you...

 

 

Getting married to the Faerie Prince wouldn't be so bad if the price wasn't her humanity.

 

Ariel's engagement to the Faerie Prince brings new meaning to being trapped. It's either escape, be rescued, or lose her humanity.


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#15 KL Sanchez

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Posted 15 April 2014 - 01:05 PM

Questions in queries - and hooks - are frowned upon by agents.  Rhetoricals add nothing to the query itself, and it distracts the agent.  It also has a way of making it look "too cute", which also looks like you're trying too hard, which then turns the agent off.


~ It may look like I know what I'm doing, but by no means do I know what the hell I'm talking about. ~

 

~ The only Operations Director Furry Fiesta has ever known (since 2014) ~

~ ACFI Ops, Theme & Narrative Development, and Performance lead since 2017 ~

 

WIP Stories:

Michelle (WIP - Chapter 10 as of June 2017)


#16 ShaneHall

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Posted 15 April 2014 - 06:48 PM

I kind of find the shock from it all being fairy tale to being against her will kind of interesting. It's an nice twist. I also like Robin's mentioning of the humanity, because it's a strong stake. What about something like this?

 

Ariel is marrying a fairy-tale prince, against her will. If she can't escape her kidnapper, her humanity is lost.

 

Tough stuff, this hook business, it really is.



#17 Astlel

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Posted 15 April 2014 - 09:29 PM

Hmm, another thought... you could play on people using the phrase 'fairytale wedding' in contemporary. I.e.:

 

Ariel's fairytale wedding involves an actual faerie prince. One problem: if she marries him, she'll sacrifice her humanity forever.



#18 Ireth

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Posted 15 April 2014 - 09:31 PM

Hmm, another thought... you could play on people using the phrase 'fairytale wedding' in contemporary. I.e.:

 

Ariel's fairytale wedding involves an actual faerie prince. One problem: if she marries him, she'll sacrifice her humanity forever.

 

Oooh, I quite like that. ^^


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#19 Shawnee

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Posted 22 April 2014 - 01:58 PM

I really like Robin's suggestion "Ariel's engagement to the Faerie Prince brings new meaning to being trapped. It's either escape, be rescued, or lose her humanity."

I know a bit of the conflict, the MC, and the stakes. It piques my interest enough to read more.


“I do not over-intellectualize the production process. I try to keep it simple: Tell the damned story.”
—Tom Clancy


#20 Ireth

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Posted 22 April 2014 - 02:20 PM

I like it, too. I'd just tweak it a bit and add the prince's name. "Ariel's engagement to the Fae prince Fiachra brings new meaning to being trapped. It's either escape, be rescued, or lose her humanity."


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/





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