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Winter's Queen (YA fantasy) - hook help


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#21 MJ O'Neill

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Posted 22 April 2014 - 03:00 PM

I'm not sure I get "lose her humanity"

 

What if you made it a bit more straight forward playing off the anti-fairytale?

 

"Ariel may be a kidnapped princess forced to marry her father's sworn enemy, but she's not waiting around for a Prince Charming rescue."


On a long enough timeline, the survival rate of everyone drops to 0 – Chuck from Fight Club

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#22 Ireth

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Posted 22 April 2014 - 03:14 PM

I'm not sure I get "lose her humanity"

 

What if you made it a bit more straight forward playing off the anti-fairytale?

 

"Ariel may be a kidnapped princess forced to marry her father's sworn enemy, but she's not waiting around for a Prince Charming rescue."

 

I'm not sure that quite works. Ariel isn't a princess from the start, and she technically won't become one until she marries the prince (which she doesn't, so the point is moot. Kinda like the title -- Ariel never actually becomes queen, either.). Also, the words "her father's sworn enemy" implies that her father has a pre-existing grudge against this particular Fae, which he doesn't. (He has a grudge against the Fae as a whole.) The words "Prince Charming" sets up false expectations about the rescue attempt, too. It's the villain who likes to think he's the charming prince. The father doesn't really think of himself as such.


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#23 Ireth

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Posted 05 May 2014 - 05:16 PM

Here's the latest version, tweaked a bit from the last to hopefully make the stakes a bit clearer.

 

Ariel's engagement to the Fae prince Fiachra brings new meaning to being trapped. It's either escape, be rescued, or become a Fae herself.


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#24 missysue

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Posted 06 May 2014 - 12:25 PM

 

Ariel's fairytale wedding involves an actual faerie prince. One problem: if she marries him, she'll sacrifice her humanity forever.

 

Love this one! A few tweaks...

 

"Ariel always dreamed of a fairytale wedding...but not to an actual faerie. If she can't escape her matrimony-minded fae kidnapper, she will lose her humanity forever."


www.missywilkinson.com


#25 Ireth

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Posted 06 May 2014 - 02:05 PM

I like the idea, but that one seems a tad long-winded for a hook. :)


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#26 Dottie D.

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Posted 20 May 2014 - 08:02 PM

Ok, I am not good at creating hooks. But just my opinion, I really liked your very first hook! As soon as I read it, I wanted to know more. It was just enought to tease me without giving away the whole story.

 

For what it's worth, to me a hook is a tease, not the story. Your very first one did just that for me. 

 

Would you be willing to take a look at my hook, Ratman's Revenge?  I need help!



#27 kaitlynsage

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Posted 25 May 2014 - 06:23 AM

I think your book sounds SO interesting! Good luck with it. I think the last hook is really good. Just a couple of suggestions:

 

 

Ariel's engagement to the Fae prince Fiachra brings new meaning to being the word trapped. It's either escape, be rescued, or become a Fae herself.



#28 Dottie D.

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Posted 25 May 2014 - 11:47 AM

okay, obviously I'm no good at hooks. you know that.  but i actually really liked your original hook. a fairy tale wedding she doesn't want.  that is original.  that hints of mystery. and the fact she's willing to risk her life to get out of it, smacks of conflict and interest.

 

the newer ones with the loss of her humanity seem vague.  what does that mean?  lose her humanity? she marries a prince who kidnapped her and suddenly SHE turns evil?  even then, she'd still be a human.

 

I really liked the original.  it had everything i needed to see to want to read the book.  IMO



#29 Ireth

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Posted 25 May 2014 - 01:59 PM

okay, obviously I'm no good at hooks. you know that.  but i actually really liked your original hook. a fairy tale wedding she doesn't want.  that is original.  that hints of mystery. and the fact she's willing to risk her life to get out of it, smacks of conflict and interest.

 

the newer ones with the loss of her humanity seem vague.  what does that mean?  lose her humanity? she marries a prince who kidnapped her and suddenly SHE turns evil?  even then, she'd still be a human.

 

I really liked the original.  it had everything i needed to see to want to read the book.  IMO

 

If Ariel stays in Faerie, she'll turn into a Fae. It has nothing to do with being good or evil. There are good and bad Fae, just like humans.


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#30 Dottie D.

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Posted 25 May 2014 - 03:06 PM

oh, i didn't realize that. is she human then?  i think i get it now.



#31 Ireth

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Posted 12 July 2014 - 10:43 PM

Back for another stab at this.

 

16 y/o Ariel's engagement to the Fae prince Fiachra leaves her 3 choices: escape, be rescued, or become Fae herself. #YA Fantasy


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#32 Neicolec

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Posted 13 July 2014 - 12:20 PM

Wow, just reading this whole thread I’m learning a lot. This is hard!

 

Personally, I liked the direction you were going when you were playing on the fairy tale wedding. Also, this last iteration doesn’t make clear that the engagement is against her will.

 

I think if you can add a touch of humor, that always helps. If you can also convey a sense of the character at all, like use her tone in the tweet, that would be great, too. Of course, it’s a lot to ask in less than 140 characters. I don't know what your character is like, exactly, but how about something more along the lines of:

 

Sure, Ariel’s fine with a fairytale wedding—but not when it means turning fae and losing everything she loves. Plan B: Escape. #YAFantasy



#33 Ireth

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Posted 13 July 2014 - 11:07 PM

I think words like "escape" and "rescue" would make it clear she's not liking the situation, but that's just me. Maybe. I do like your suggestion a lot. ^^


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#34 Ireth

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Posted 11 September 2014 - 02:04 PM

I came up with a bunch of Twitter hooks last night, even though I still don't have a Twitter. Comments appreciated. :)

 

16-y/o Ariel does NOT want a fairytale wedding. Marrying Prince Fiachra means becoming Fae like him. #YAFantasy #PitMad

 

A fairytale wedding to a real prince? Ariel says no thanks. She'd rather stay single, and human. #YAFantasy #PitMad

 

16-y/o Ariel's wedding to Prince Fiachra will make her a queen of Faerie--but not if she has her way. #YAFantasy #PitMad

 

16-y/o Ariel's groom-to-be wants her to be his forever--literally. Luckily Ariel has an escape plan. #YAFantasy #PitMad

 

Ariel would rather die than become an immortal queen of Faerie. And she'd much rather escape than die. #YAFantasy #PitMad

 

16-y/o Ariel loves fairytales, but not enough to want to be in one. Plan B: escape. #YAFantasy #PitMad

 

16-y/o Ariel's fairytale wedding is all planned. Gown--check. Prince--check. Bride? Not if she can help it. #YAFantasy #PitMad

 

16-y/o Ariel's getting the fairytale wedding she never wanted, complete with Prince Charmless--unless she escapes first. #YAFantasy #PitMad

 

16-y/o Ariel's engagement to Prince Fiachra is a nightmare come true. It begins with kidnap, and might end in murder. #YAFantasy #PitMad

 

Ariel has until Midwinter to escape her fiancé, Prince Fiachra. Otherwise it's hello queenship, goodbye humanity. #YAFantasy #PitMad

 

When Ariel is engaged to the Fae prince who kidnapped her, she has 3 options: await rescue, escape, or die trying. #YAFantasy #PitMad

 

Ariel doesn't know what's worse--being kidnapped by a Fae or engaged to him. A wedding definitely isn't in her plans. #YAFantasy #PitMad

 

If Ariel marries her kidnapper/fiancé, she'll end up immortal. If she can't escape him, she'll end up dead. #YAFantasy #PitMad

 

Ariel doesn't want to be immortal or a queen. But if she can't escape her Fae kidnapper, she's bound to be both. #YAFantasy #PitMad

 

Ariel doesn't want to be immortal or a queen. But if she can't escape the Fae who kidnapped her, she'll be both. #YAFantasy #PitMad

 

Some girls would kill to marry a real fairytale prince. Ariel would die to escape hers. #YAFantasy #PitMad

 

Ariel's Fae fiancé wants to give her his world, and take her humanity. All she wants is to escape Faerie alive. #YAFantasy #PitMad

 

Ariel's real-life fairytale won't end in happily-ever-after--unless she can escape it alive. #YAFantasy #PitMad


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#35 Ireth

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Posted 23 October 2014 - 01:43 PM

Bump. :unsure: Did I go overboard with the number of pitches?


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#36 CFrances

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Posted 14 November 2014 - 03:44 PM

16-y/o Ariel's getting the fairytale wedding she never wanted, complete with Prince Charmless--unless she escapes first. - I like this one. I might change the second part: complete with a prince she will never love.



#37 Gee

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Posted 15 March 2015 - 03:41 AM

I like it, too. I'd just tweak it a bit and add the prince's name. "Ariel's engagement to the Fae prince Fiachra brings new meaning to being trapped. It's either escape, be rescued, or lose her humanity."

not sure if you have enough characters but 'pray for a miracle rescue' instead of be 'rescued'

or...'hope for rescue, escape herself, or lose her humanity'


Please check out my 250 word book blurb http://agentquerycon...avour/?p=329994


#38 MathChick74

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Posted 29 April 2015 - 12:52 PM

Here's my first go at a Twitter-style hook for Winter's Queen. I don't actually have a Twitter account, but I thought I'd try this anyway.

 

Ariel Hawk is engaged to a prince. Her fairytale wedding isn't a dream come true, but a nightmare she risks her life to escape. #YA Fantasy

I might condense into one sentence: Ariel Hawk's fairytale wedding isn't a dream come true but a nightmare she risks her life to escape.


"Sir, you're upside down."

 

"I am Hugh."

"You are me?"

"No, I am Hugh."

 

What movie are these from???

 


#39 AJCypher

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Posted 03 December 2015 - 05:27 PM

These are my favorite, plus a couple suggestions!

 

16-y/o Ariel's fae groom-to-be wants her to be his forever--literally. Luckily Ariel has an escape plan. #YAFantasy #PitMad  - I included Fae just to give a bit of context on the type of fantasy.

 

Ariel has until Midwinter to escape her fiancé, Prince Fiachra. Otherwise it's hello queenship, goodbye humanity. #YAFantasy #PitMad -- For this one, is there another overall plot where something else is at stake besides Ariel's freedom? Just thinking if so, you could add it in here. Like 'goodbye humanity - and the world' or whatever lol. Also, <3 the history in your Fae-ness here with the name Fiachra.

 

Then I really like these two:

 

16-y/o Ariel's fairytale wedding is all planned. Gown--check. Prince--check. Bride? Not if she can help it. #YAFantasy #PitMad

 

16-y/o Ariel's getting the fairytale wedding she never wanted, complete with Prince Charmless--unless she escapes first. #YAFantasy #PitMad



#40 Ireth

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Posted 03 December 2015 - 05:34 PM

Thanks, AJ! To answer your question, technically she does stand to lose her home and everything else she loves, since she'll be trapped in Faerie forever, but I'm not sure that'll fit into a Twitter pitch.


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/





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