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Winter's Queen (YA fantasy)


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#1 Ireth

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Posted 16 April 2014 - 11:20 AM

Revision #21 in post #96

 

Synopsis

 

ARIEL HAWK goes out on Halloween with two of her friends. As they head home from a party, they argue over whether Fae exist, with Ariel insisting they do. PRINCE FIACHRA appears, claiming to be proof. Ariel stuns him with a blow to the jaw, and she and her friends flee to a nearby church. Fiachra recovers and hunts them down, cornering them in the churchyard. He sedates Ariel and takes her back to Faerie with him, intent on marrying her on Midwinter Eve.

 

VINCENT HAWK, Ariel's father, runs to the rescue, but reaches the churchyard moments too late to help. He takes Ariel's friends home, then joins with his brother DOM to plan and prepare for a rescue attempt. They go from Leeds to Stonehenge the next night, and open a portal to Faerie. On the other side, a Pooka tells them where to go in exchange for a story.

 

Ariel wakes in Caer Celynnen, stronghold of the Winter Court, and meets Fiachra and his father, KING MADOC MORFRYN. At a celebratory banquet, Ariel refuses to eat, fearing the food to be enchanted. Afterward she befriends LÓEGAIRE, a guard. The next morning, Fiachra tries to force-feed Ariel, and has her whipped when she fights back. His sister, PRINCESS MÉABH, offers Ariel comfort, and promises to help her by seeking out Vincent and Dom. That night at a ball, Ariel resists the enchanted music that dulls her desire to return home. She learns of Méabh's motive for helping her against Fiachra: Méabh and Lóegaire were once lovers, but Fiachra betrayed them by lying to King Madoc, and claiming Lóegaire had violated Méabh. As punishment, King Madoc cursed Lóegaire, and forbade him and Méabh to even touch again.

 

Méabh departs the next day to find Vincent and Dom. Lóegaire gives Ariel a box of art supplies, wanting to make her feel more comfortable in Faerie. While testing them out, she meets a Pooka named EIRA, who is willing to be Ariel's friend rather than just a servant. Ariel grows impatient with waiting to hear from Méabh, and tries to flee the castle. Fiachra catches her and locks her in a dungeon, where she works on climbing the icy walls to reach the window.

 

Vincent and Dom hike on through Faerie, encountering a variety of Fae with sinister motives. A Merrow attempts to drown Dom, but Vincent kills her. LENORE, a Leannan Sidhe, attacks Vincent in thirst. She is wounded when he resists, and flees despite his offer to help her. A Redcap catches them in a snare, intent on using their blood to dye his cap; when they realize he won't be reasoned with, they fight back and kill him. Vincent initially regrets the bloodshed, but comes to see it as a necessary evil. A band of goblins attack them in the night, but Méabh arrives and helps Vincent and Dom. The next day, she takes them back toward Caer Celynnen.

 

Ariel escapes her cell and flees into the woods around the castle. She runs into Lenore, who alludes to having met Vincent, then attacks. Ariel stabs her in self-defense, apologizes and flees. A group of guards find her and return her to the castle. As she recovers from Lenore's attack, she tells Eira of her desire to escape. The next day, Ariel is rushed through her wedding preparations. When she insists to Fiachra that she can't marry him, he tries to kill her instead. She puts out his eye in self-defense; King Madoc rules it attempted regicide and orders her execution.

 

That night Lóegaire and Eira help Ariel flee into the woods. Ariel joyously reunites with Vincent, Dom and Méabh. King Madoc and his guards surround them, demanding Ariel's return. Ariel refuses, and Vincent attempts to reason with King Madoc, urging him to let her go. Before King Madoc can answer, Fiachra (who had followed in secret) stabs him in the back. As a guard kills Fiachra, Vincent rushes to help King Madoc, along with Dom, Ariel and Méabh. In return for saving his life, King Madoc permits the humans to leave freely.

 

Once farewells are said, Meabh and Eira take the humans to a nearby rift. They return home to Leeds, where Ariel reunites with her friends and readjusts to life where she belongs.


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#2 humandancer

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Posted 18 April 2014 - 01:32 PM

ARIEL HAWK (usually people give an age for the main character so for instance you would say eighteen year old Ariel) goes out on Halloween with two of her friends (this information seems a tad irrelevant unless you explain that it is because it’s Halloween that the Fae can appear). As they head home from a party, they argue over whether Fae exist (you really need to explain what the Fae are because otherwise we don’t know), with Ariel insisting they do. PRINCE FIACHRA (again – explain who he is because otherwise he has just come out of nowhere. Maybe say something like ‘a man appears claiming to be Prince Fiachra of the Fae) appears, claiming to be proof. Ariel stuns him with a blow to the jaw (why does she do this – because she is frightened or doesn’t believe him?), and she and her friends flee to a nearby church. Fiachra recovers and hunts them down, cornering them in the churchyard. He sedates Ariel and takes her back to Faerie with him, intent on marrying her on Midwinter Eve.

 

VINCENT HAWK, Ariel's father, runs to the rescue, but reaches the churchyard moments too late to help. (This information seems irrelevant again unless you have it before the capture, e.g. ‘she sees her father appear but just before he reaches them Fiachra transports her to Faerie) He takes Ariel's friends home, then joins with his brother DOM to plan and prepare for a rescue attempt. They go from Leeds to Stonehenge the next night, and open a portal to Faerie. On the other side, a Pooka (explain what the Pooka is) tells them where to go in exchange for a story.

 

Ariel wakes in Caer Celynnen, stronghold of the Winter Court, and meets Fiachra (she has already met him) and his father, KING MADOC MORFRYN. At a celebratory banquet, Ariel refuses to eat, fearing the food to be enchanted (and what would happen if it was enchanted?). Afterward she befriends LÓEGAIRE, a guard. The next morning, Fiachra tries to force-feed Ariel, and has her whipped when she fights back. His sister, PRINCESS MÉABH, offers Ariel comfort, and promises to help her by seeking out Vincent and Dom. (Why would it be so bad if she did end up married to him? This needs to be really clear because presumably it is her whole motivation for wanting to leave). That night at a ball, Ariel resists the enchanted music that dulls her desire to return home. She learns of Méabh's motive for helping her against Fiachra: Méabh and Lóegaire were once lovers, but Fiachra betrayed them by lying to King Madoc, and claiming Lóegaire had violated Méabh. As punishment, King Madoc cursed Lóegaire, and forbade him and Méabh to even touch again.

 

Méabh departs the next day to find Vincent and Dom. Lóegaire gives Ariel a box of art supplies, wanting to make her feel more comfortable in Faerie. While testing them out, she meets a Pooka named EIRA, who is willing to be Ariel's friend rather than just a servant. Ariel grows impatient with waiting to hear from Méabh, and tries to flee the castle. Fiachra catches her and locks her in a dungeon, where she works on climbing the icy walls to reach the window.

 

Vincent and Dom hike on through Faerie, encountering a variety of Fae with sinister motives. A Merrow (again – what is this?) attempts to drown Dom, but Vincent kills her (it). LENORE, a Leannan Sidhe (explain), attacks Vincent in thirst. She is wounded when he resists, and (she) flees despite his offer to help her. A Redcap (explain) catches them in a snare, intent on using their blood to dye his cap; when they realize he won't be reasoned with, they fight back and kill him. Vincent initially regrets the bloodshed, but comes to see it as a necessary evil. A band of goblins attack them in the night, but Méabh arrives and helps Vincent and Dom. The next day, she takes them back toward Caer Celynnen.

 

Ariel escapes her cell and flees into the woods around the castle. She runs into Lenore, who alludes to having met Vincent, then attacks. Ariel stabs her in self-defense, apologizes and flees. A group of guards find her and return her to the castle. As she recovers from Lenore's attack, she tells Eira of her desire to escape. The next day, Ariel is rushed through her wedding preparations. When she insists to Fiachra that she can't marry him, he tries to kill her instead. She puts out his eye in self-defense; King Madoc rules it attempted regicide and orders her execution.

 

That night Lóegaire and Eira help Ariel flee into the woods. Ariel joyously reunites with Vincent, Dom and Méabh. King Madoc and his guards surround them, demanding Ariel's return. Ariel refuses, and Vincent attempts to reason with King Madoc, urging him to let her go. Before King Madoc can answer, Fiachra (who had followed in secret) stabs him in the back. As a guard kills Fiachra, Vincent rushes to help King Madoc, along with Dom, Ariel and Méabh. In return for saving his life, King Madoc permits the humans to leave freely.

 

Once farewells are said, Meabh and Eira take the humans to a nearby rift. They return home to Leeds, where Ariel reunites with her friends and readjusts to life where she belongs.

 

Hi, I have just a few points:

-       Because there are a lot of fairy and mythical creatures in here you should explain what they are because not everybody will know.

-       You need to make the goal of your main character really clear and set out why it is so important that she should escape.

-       One other thing which is a little confusing is the way it changes between her story and her father and brother’s. Are you going to have multiple points of view in this? Because otherwise you should probably focus on what is happening to the main character.

 

I hope some of these suggestions help you out in tightening your synopsis.



#3 Ireth

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Posted 18 April 2014 - 04:21 PM

Thanks for your feedback, humandancer! I'll work on making things clearer. To answer your third question, the book is from multiple POVs. It switches back and forth between Ariel and her father.


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#4 Ireth

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Posted 22 April 2014 - 11:49 PM

First revision:

 

In an icy castle in Faerie, FIACHRA, prince of Faerie's Winter Court, meets with his father, the king. The king gives his blessing to Fiachra's quest to claim a bride from Earth.

 

In Leeds, UK in 2011, ARIEL HAWK, an outspoken teenager with a strong belief in the paranormal, wants to enjoy a safe, normal Halloween night of fun and frolic with her friends, and without the fear of Fae. As she and her friends go home from a Halloween party, Fiachra claims Ariel as his bride-to-be. Though she and her friends fight and flee him by turns, Fiachra succeeds in snatching Ariel away to Faerie. Ariel's father, VINCENT HAWK, arrives too late to stop him. He and his brother plan and prepare to rescue Ariel themselves, and enter Faerie to do so.

 

In the king's castle, Ariel speaks with Fiachra and meets the king. She reluctantly attends the feast and dance in celebration of her and Fiachra's engagement, and defies the magic Fiachra uses to trap her. When Fiachra resorts to brute force to bend Ariel to his will, she wounds him in defiance. His sister, the princess, comes to Ariel's aid, and promises to help her by searching for Vincent, whom Ariel believes has entered Faerie to help her.

 

Ariel makes friends among the Fae, but soon grows impatient waiting for news from the princess. She tries to flee the castle against the princess' advice. Fiachra catches her and locks her in a dungeon, but she breaks out and flees into the woods surrounding the castle. There she meets a Fae who saw Vincent elsewhere in Faerie a few days ago, confirming Ariel's hope.

 

Ariel is recaptured and brought back to the castle, where Fiachra rushes her through the preparations for their wedding. As he drags her off toward the ceremony, she tries to stall him, insisting they can't be married because she's too young, and they don't have Vincent's permission. Fiachra grows angry, and changes his mind altogether about marrying her – he decides if he can't control her, he'll kill her instead. Ariel fights back, and takes out his eye in self-defense. The king rules it as attempted regicide, and orders Ariel's execution for the next morning. Ariel loses hope of escaping or being rescued.

 

That night, Ariel's Fae friends help her escape her cell and flee into the woods. They meet Vincent, his brother, and the princess, and Ariel joyfully reunites with them. But the king and his guards soon surround them, demanding Ariel's return. Vincent tries to convince the king to let Ariel go free. Fiachra, who had followed the king in secret, stabs him in the back before he can answer Vincent.

 

A guard kills Fiachra, and Vincent, his brother, Ariel, and the princess rush to the king's aid. In return for saving his life, the king lets the humans leave Faerie freely. Ariel says goodbye to the princess and her Fae friends, and the humans return to Earth. There Ariel reunites with her human friends in Leeds, and tries to readjust to her normal life.


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#5 haeagar

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Posted 23 April 2014 - 06:56 PM

I'm not completely sure how a synopsis is supposed to look, as I am having trouble with my own. But it seems to me like its a bit choppy. Instead of it feeling like "and this happened, and then this happened, and then this happened," is there a way for it to have more flow as it moves through the story? Just a thought.



#6 Joseph Isaacs

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Posted 24 April 2014 - 12:35 PM

First revision:

 

In an icy castle in Faerie, FIACHRA, prince of Faerie's Winter Court, meets with his father, the king. The king gives his blessing to Fiachra's quest to claim a bride from Earth. good start

 

In Leeds, UK in 2011, ARIEL HAWK, an outspoken teenager with a strong belief in the paranormal, wants to enjoy a safe, normal Halloween night of fun and frolic with her friends, and without the fear of Fae. As she and her friends go home from a Halloween party, Fiachra claims Ariel as his bride-to-be. Though she and her friends fight and flee him by turns, Fiachra succeeds in snatching Ariel away to Faerie. Ariel's father, VINCENT HAWK, arrives too late to stop him. He and his brother plan and prepare to rescue Ariel themselves, and enter Faerie to do so. Questions that arise in my mind: why was she picked? How did her father know where to go to rescue her?

 

In the king's castle, Ariel speaks with Fiachra and meets the king. She reluctantly attends the feast and dance in celebration of her and Fiachra's engagement, and defies the magic Fiachra uses to trap her.I'm not following here what do you mean?  When Fiachra resorts to brute force to bend Ariel to his will, she wounds him in defiance. physically? How? His sister, the princess, comes to Ariel's aid, and promises to help her by searching for Vincent, whom Ariel believes has entered Faerie to help her.

 

Ariel makes friends among the Fae, but soon grows impatient waiting for news from the princess. She tries to flee the castle against the princess' advice. Fiachra catches her and locks her in a dungeon, but she breaks out and flees into the woods surrounding the castle. There she meets a Fae who saw Vincent elsewhere in Faerie a few days ago, confirming Ariel's hope. good

 

Ariel is recaptured and brought back to the castle, where Fiachra rushes her through the preparations for their wedding. As he drags her off toward the ceremony, she tries to stall him, insisting they can't be married because she's too young, and they don't have Vincent's permission. Fiachra grows angry, and changes his mind altogether about marrying her – he decides if he can't control her, he'll kill her instead. Ariel fights back, and takes out his eye in self-defense. The king rules it as attempted regicide, and orders Ariel's execution for the next morning. Ariel loses hope of escaping or being rescued. good tension

 

That night, Ariel's Fae friends help her escape her cell and flee into the woods. They meet Vincent, his brother, and the princess, and Ariel joyfully reunites with them. But the king and his guards soon surround them, demanding Ariel's return. Vincent tries to convince the king to let Ariel go free. Fiachra, who had followed the king in secret, stabs him in the back before he can answer Vincent.

 

A guard kills Fiachra, and Vincent, his brother, Ariel, and the princess rush to the king's aid. In return for saving his life, the king lets the humans leave Faerie freely. Ariel says goodbye to the princess and her Fae friends, and the humans return to Earth. There Ariel reunites with her human friends in Leeds, and tries to readjust to her normal life. This is pretty good! just a bit more tweaking and you should have a good summary me thinks. Would you mind looking at my synopsis for Soul Hosts? Thanks!

 



#7 Ireth

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Posted 24 April 2014 - 01:48 PM

Revised as per Joseph's advice. ^^

 

In an icy castle in Faerie, FIACHRA, prince of Faerie's Winter Court, meets with his father, the king. The king gives his blessing to Fiachra's quest to claim a bride from Earth, not knowing Fiachra plans to usurp his throne after the wedding.

 

In Leeds, UK in 2011, ARIEL HAWK, an outspoken teenager with a strong belief in the paranormal, wants to enjoy a safe, normal Halloween night of fun and frolic with her friends, and without the fear of Fae. As she and her friends go home from a Halloween party, Fiachra claims Ariel as his bride-to-be, simply because she believes in his kind.

 

Ariel and her friends fight and flee Fiachra by turns, and Ariel calls her father, VINCENT HAWK, on her mobile phone for help. Nonetheless, Fiachra succeeds in snatching Ariel away to Faerie, and Vincent arrives too late to stop him. He and his brother plan and prepare to rescue Ariel themselves, and enter Faerie to do so.

 

In the king's castle, Ariel speaks with Fiachra and meets the king. She reluctantly attends the feast and dance in celebration of her and Fiachra's engagement, and defies Fiachra's attempts to trap her in Faerie with enchanted food and music. When Fiachra resorts to brute force to bend Ariel to his will, she hurts his eye in defiance, and is whipped as punishment. His sister, the princess, comes to Ariel's aid, and promises to help her by searching for Vincent, whom Ariel believes has entered Faerie to help her.

 

Ariel makes friends among the Fae, but soon grows impatient waiting for news from the princess. She tries to flee the castle against the princess' advice. Fiachra catches her and locks her in a dungeon, but she breaks out and flees into the woods surrounding the castle. There she meets a Fae who saw Vincent elsewhere in Faerie a few days ago, confirming Ariel's hope.

 

Ariel is recaptured and brought back to the castle, where Fiachra rushes her through the preparations for their wedding. As he drags her off toward the ceremony, she tries to stall him by insisting they can't be married because she's too young, and they don't have Vincent's permission. Fiachra grows angry, and changes his mind altogether about marrying her -- he decides she's far more trouble than she's worth, and he'll claim the king's throne without her. Ariel fights back and takes out his eye in self-defense. The king rules it as attempted regicide, and orders her execution for the next morning. Ariel loses hope of escaping or being rescued.

 

That night, Ariel's Fae friends help her escape her cell and flee into the woods. They meet Vincent, his brother, and the princess, and Ariel joyfully reunites with them. But the king and his guards soon surround them, demanding Ariel's return. Vincent tries to convince the king to let Ariel go free. Fiachra, who had followed the king in secret, stabs him in the back before he can answer Vincent.

 

A guard kills Fiachra, and Vincent, his brother, Ariel, and the princess rush to the king's aid. In return for saving his life, the king lets the humans leave Faerie freely. Ariel says goodbye to the princess and her Fae friends, and the humans return to Earth. There Ariel reunites with her human friends in Leeds, and tries to readjust to her normal life.


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#8 Click

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Posted 24 April 2014 - 02:33 PM

Your synopsis sounds awesome :)
A young girl battles with her conscience
as she attempts to escape her
kidnapper's grasp, once and for all. - My new, free short story, Hush https://www.smashwor...oks/view/534254

#9 Ireth

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Posted 24 April 2014 - 02:54 PM

Thanks, Click! :D


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#10 Ireth

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Posted 24 April 2014 - 05:55 PM

Slightly tweaked version. I think this one might be it!

 

In an icy castle in Faerie, FIACHRA, prince of Faerie's Winter Court, meets with his father, the king. The king blesses Fiachra's quest to claim a bride from Earth, not knowing Fiachra plans to usurp his throne after the wedding.

 

In Leeds, UK in 2011, ARIEL HAWK, an outspoken teenager with a strong belief in the paranormal, wants to enjoy a safe, normal Halloween night without having to worry about Fae. As she and her friends go home from a Halloween party, Fiachra claims Ariel as his bride-to-be after hearing her insisting to her friends that the Fae exist. Ariel and her friends fight and flee Fiachra by turns, and Ariel calls her father, VINCENT HAWK, on her mobile phone for help. Nonetheless, Fiachra succeeds in snatching Ariel away to Faerie, and Vincent arrives too late to stop him. He and his brother plan and prepare to rescue Ariel themselves, and enter Faerie to do so.

 

In the king's castle, Ariel speaks with Fiachra and meets the king. She reluctantly attends a feast and a dance in celebration of her and Fiachra's engagement, and defies Fiachra's attempts to trap her in Faerie with enchanted food and music. When Fiachra resorts to brute force to bend Ariel to his will, she hurts his eye in defiance, and is whipped as punishment. Fiachra's sister, the princess, comes to Ariel's aid, and promises to help her by searching for Vincent, whom Ariel believes has entered Faerie to help her.

 

Ariel makes friends among the Fae, but soon grows impatient waiting for news from the princess. She tries to flee the castle against the princess' advice. Fiachra catches her and locks her in a dungeon, but she breaks out and flees into the woods surrounding the castle. There she meets a Fae who saw Vincent elsewhere in Faerie a few days ago, confirming Ariel's hope.

 

Ariel is recaptured and brought back to the castle, where Fiachra rushes her through the preparations for their wedding. As he drags her off toward the ceremony, she tries to stall him by insisting they can't be married because she's too young, and they don't have Vincent's permission. Fiachra grows angry, and changes his mind altogether about marrying her. He decides to kill her instead -- she's far more trouble than she's worth, and he can claim the king's throne without her. Ariel fights back and takes out his eye in self-defense. The king deems it attempted regicide, and orders her execution for the next morning. Ariel loses hope of escaping or being rescued.

 

That night, Ariel's Fae friends help her escape into the woods. They find Vincent, his brother, and the princess; Ariel joyfully reunites with them. The king and his guards surround them, demanding Ariel's return. Rather than fight, Vincent tries to convince the king to let Ariel go. Fiachra, who had followed in secret, stabs the king in the back before he can answer Vincent.

 

A guard kills Fiachra, and Vincent, his brother, Ariel, and the princess rush to the king's aid. In return for saving his life, the king lets the humans leave Faerie freely. Ariel says goodbye to the princess and her Fae friends, and the humans return to Earth. Ariel reunites with her human friends in Leeds, and tries to readjust to her normal life.


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#11 phenomenonsense

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Posted 27 April 2014 - 03:43 PM

    Slightly tweaked version. I think this one might be it!

    In an icy castle in Faerie, FIACHRA, prince of Faerie's Winter Court, meets with his father, the king. The king blesses Fiachra's quest to claim a bride from Earth, not knowing Fiachra plans to usurp his throne after the wedding.

    In Leeds, UK in 2011Look at this.  Two  in's so close might be odd, ARIEL HAWK, an outspoken teenager with  a strong belief in the paranormal, wants to enjoy a safe, normal Halloween night without having to worry about Fae Confused here. has she been attacked by Fae before? Is Fae on her mind? Are the dangers of Fae haunting her? If not why would she want to have a halloween night without worrying about them. I don't worry about gremlins. As she and her friends go home from a Halloween party, Fiachra claims Ariel as his bride-to-be after hearing her insisting to her friends that the Fae exist. Ariel and her friends fight and flee Fiachra by turns I have no idea what "fight and flee by turns" means, and Ariel calls her father, VINCENT HAWK, on her mobile phone for help. Nonetheless, Fiachra succeeds in snatching Ariel away to Faerie, and Vincent arrives too late to stop him. He and his brother plan and prepare to rescue Ariel themselves, and enter Faerie to do so.

    In the king's castle, Ariel speaks with Fiachra and meets the king. She reluctantly attends a feast and a dance in celebration of her and Fiachra's engagement, and defies Fiachra's attempts to trap her in Faerie with enchanted food and music. When Fiachra resorts to brute force to bend Ariel to his will, she hurts Could be stronger if we know how she hurts? Hurts seems weak his eye in defiance, and is whipped as punishment. Fiachra's sister, the princess, comes to Ariel's aid, and promises to help her by searching for Vincent, whom Ariel believes has entered Faerie to help her. Why does she want to help Ariel?

    Ariel makes friends among the Fae, but soon grows impatient waiting for news from the princess. She tries to flee the castle against the princess' advice. Fiachra catches her and locks her in a dungeon, but she breaks out and flees into the woods surrounding the castle. There she meets a Fae who saw Vincent elsewhere in Faerie a few days ago, confirming Ariel's hope. She seems to be doing an awful lot as a captive without any real repercussions? Why is Fiachra so lenient?

    Ariel is recaptured and brought back to the castle, where Fiachra rushes her through the preparations for their wedding. As he drags her off toward the ceremony, she tries to stall him by insisting they can't be married because she's too young, and they don't have Vincent's permission. Fiachra grows angry, and changes his mind altogether about marrying her. He decides to kill her instead -- she's far more trouble than she's worth, and he can claim the king's throne without her. Then why did the first part matter at all? Ariel fights back and takes out his eye in self-defense. Eye fixation? lolThe king deems it attempted regicide, and orders her execution for the next morning. Regicide seems dire. Why wait until the morning? Ariel loses hope of escaping or being rescued.

    That night, Ariel's Fae friends help her escape into the woods. She escapes a LOT. They find Vincent, his brother, and the princess; Ariel joyfully reunites with them. The king and his guards surround them, demanding Ariel's return. Rather than fight, Vincent tries to convince the king to let Ariel go. Fiachra, who had followed in secret, stabs the king in the back before he can answer Vincent.

    A guard kills Fiachra, and Vincent, his brother, Ariel, and the princess rush to the king's aid. I had to read this several times to understand who was killed and who was rushing. In return for saving his life, the king lets the humans leave Faerie freely. Stabs in the back are quite deadly. Just a thought. Ariel says goodbye to the princess and her Fae friends, and the humans return to Earth. Ariel reunites with her human friends in Leeds, and tries to readjust to her normal life.
 


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http://agentquerycon...ic/35773-supra/

 


#12 Ireth

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Posted 27 April 2014 - 05:33 PM

Thanks for your comments, phenomenonsense!

 

Two  in's so close might be odd, Noted. Thanks. :)

 

Confused here. has she been attacked by Fae before? Is Fae on her mind? Are the dangers of Fae haunting her? If not why would she want to have a halloween night without worrying about them. I don't worry about gremlins. She has encountered the Fae before -- in fact, her whole immediate family has. That's the reason Ariel believes, and why she's worried. She has every reason to worry.

 

I have no idea what "fight and flee by turns" means It means they fight, then they flee, then they fight again.

 

Could be stronger if we know how she hurts? Hurts seems weak It's just a hard poke, really, not like the full eyeball-gouging that comes later. It also foreshadows said gouging.

 

Why does she want to help Ariel? Because she has a huge grudge against her brother. I'm not sure how to explain this in the synopsis without going out of chronological order, since Ariel only finds that out later on, and in a place I only summarized.

 

She seems to be doing an awful lot as a captive without any real repercussions? Why is Fiachra so lenient? Because at this point he still thinks he has a chance of breaking her defiance. Also, I don't think sending a host of guards out to recapture her, then rushing through the wedding preparations weeks earlier than he'd originally promised really counts as being lenient.

 

Then why did the first part matter at all? Because he was so fixated on gaining a wife that it hadn't occurred to him. It only does after he's completely fed up with Ariel and her stubbornness.

 

Regicide seems dire. Why wait until the morning? Executions take time to prepare for, and also it's kind of traditional as far as real-world executions go.

 

She escapes a LOT. Is that a bad thing?

 

I had to read this several times to understand who was killed and who was rushing. Noted. I'll see about rewording it.

 

Stabs in the back are quite deadly. Just a thought. I would think they're less so when medical help arrives in three seconds flat, and the assassin in question is hindered by a lack of depth perception due to missing an eye.


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#13 phenomenonsense

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Posted 27 April 2014 - 07:02 PM

Thanks for your comments, phenomenonsense!

 

Two  in's so close might be odd, Noted. Thanks. :)

 

Confused here. has she been attacked by Fae before? Is Fae on her mind? Are the dangers of Fae haunting her? If not why would she want to have a halloween night without worrying about them. I don't worry about gremlins. She has encountered the Fae before -- in fact, her whole immediate family has. That's the reason Ariel believes, and why she's worried. She has every reason to worry.

 

I have no idea what "fight and flee by turns" means It means they fight, then they flee, then they fight again.

 

That's what I assumed.

 

Could be stronger if we know how she hurts? Hurts seems weak It's just a hard poke, really, not like the full eyeball-gouging that comes later. It also foreshadows said gouging.

 

Gotcha.

 

Why does she want to help Ariel? Because she has a huge grudge against her brother. I'm not sure how to explain this in the synopsis without going out of chronological order, since Ariel only finds that out later on, and in a place I only summarized.

I thought that chronological order wasn't that important in summaries. I don't know though.

 

She seems to be doing an awful lot as a captive without any real repercussions? Why is Fiachra so lenient? Because at this point he still thinks he has a chance of breaking her defiance. Also, I don't think sending a host of guards out to recapture her, then rushing through the wedding preparations weeks earlier than he'd originally promised really counts as being lenient.

Yeah. I think I meant lenient in a relative term. This guy had crazy ambition and is willing to kill a king for power. I didn't get the vibe that he waited for gratification very often, so in terms of his character

 

Then why did the first part matter at all? Because he was so fixated on gaining a wife that it hadn't occurred to him. It only does after he's completely fed up with Ariel and her stubbornness.

That's all character info I couldn't have because it's a synopsis. Just wanted to have the question be known is all.

 

Regicide seems dire. Why wait until the morning? Executions take time to prepare for, and also it's kind of traditional as far as real-world executions go.

 

I guess if you're going for a formal execution. My general feeling is that I, if I was king, would stop that shit immediately ha.

 

She escapes a LOT. Is that a bad thing?

 

Not if you don't think so. Just noting things that pop out at me while reading.

 

I had to read this several times to understand who was killed and who was rushing. Noted. I'll see about rewording it.

 

Stabs in the back are quite deadly. Just a thought. I would think they're less so when medical help arrives in three seconds flat, and the assassin in question is hindered by a lack of depth perception due to missing an eye.

 

Right I wasn't sure if anyone had any medical knowledge. Just wanted to throw it out there.


Currently need help with:

 

Query:

http://agentquerycon...pra-na-fiction/

 

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http://agentquerycon...ic/35773-supra/

 


#14 Ireth

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Posted 27 April 2014 - 09:12 PM

Latest revision:

 

In an icy castle in Faerie, FIACHRA, prince of Faerie's Winter Court, meets with his father, the king. The king blesses Fiachra's quest to claim a bride from Earth, not knowing Fiachra plans to usurp his throne after the wedding.

 

ARIEL HAWK, an outspoken teenager with a well-founded belief in Fae, wants to enjoy a safe, normal Halloween without having to worry about the Fae leaving their realm and roaming Earth. As she and her friends leave a Halloween party in their home city of Leeds, Fiachra claims Ariel as his bride after hearing her insisting to her friends that the Fae exist.

 

Ariel and her friends fend off Fiachra, then flee to the safety of a churchyard. Ariel calls her father, VINCENT HAWK, on her mobile phone for help. Fiachra succeeds in snatching Ariel away to Faerie, and Vincent arrives too late to stop him. He and his brother plan and prepare to rescue Ariel themselves, and enter Faerie via Stonehenge to do so.

 

In the king's castle, Ariel speaks with Fiachra and meets the king. She reluctantly attends a feast in celebration of her and Fiachra's engagement, and defies Fiachra's attempts to trap her in Faerie with enchanted food. When Fiachra tries to force-feed her breakfast the next morning, she jams her finger in his eye to defend herself, and is whipped as punishment. Fiachra's sister, the princess, comes to Ariel's aid, and promises to help her by searching for Vincent, whom Ariel believes has entered Faerie to help her. Before the princess leaves, she tells Ariel of her years-old grudge against Fiachra, which drives her to aid Ariel against Fiachra now.

 

Ariel makes friends among the Fae, but soon grows impatient waiting for news from the princess. She tries to escape the castle against the princess' advice. Fiachra catches her and locks her in a dungeon, but she breaks out and flees into the woods surrounding the castle. There she meets a Fae who saw Vincent elsewhere in Faerie a few days ago, confirming Ariel's hope.

 

Ariel is recaptured and brought back to the castle, where Fiachra rushes her through the preparations for their wedding, weeks earlier than he had originally stated. As he drags her off to the ceremony, she tries to stall him by insisting they can't be married because she's too young, and they don't have Vincent's permission.

 

Fiachra grows angry, and changes his mind altogether about marrying her. He decides to kill her instead -- she's far more trouble than she's worth, and he realizes he can claim the king's throne without her. Ariel fights back and takes out Fiachra's eye in self-defense. The king deems it attempted regicide, and orders her execution for the next morning. Ariel loses hope of escaping or being rescued.

 

That night, Ariel's Fae friends help her break out of her cell and run into the woods. They find Vincent, his brother, and the princess; Ariel joyfully reunites with them. The king and his guards surround them, demanding Ariel's return. Rather than fight, Vincent tries to convince the king to let Ariel go. Fiachra, who had followed in secret, stabs the king in the back before he can answer Vincent. Moments later, a guard kills Fiachra.

 

Vincent, his brother, Ariel, and the princess rush to the king's aid. Working together, they succeed in closing and binding his wound. In return for saving his life, the king lets the humans leave Faerie. Ariel says goodbye to the princess and her Fae friends, and the humans return to Earth. Ariel reunites with her human friends in Leeds, and tries to readjust to her normal life.


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#15 phenomenonsense

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Posted 29 April 2014 - 10:48 PM

Latest revision:

 

In an icy castle in Faerie, FIACHRA, prince of Faerie's Winter Court, meets with his father, the king. The king blesses Fiachra's quest to claim a bride from Earth, not knowing Fiachra plans to usurp his throne after the wedding. Nothing wrong with this. I don't know if it is supposed to be more "hook-y" or not.

ARIEL HAWK, an outspoken teenager with a well-founded belief in Fae, wants to enjoy a safe, normal Halloween without having to worry about the Fae leaving their realm and roaming Earth. As she and her friends leave a Halloween party in their home city of Leeds, Fiachra claims Ariel as his bride after hearing her insisting to her friends that the Fae exist. Maybe say that it is important that Fiachra can only go after someone who believes in the Fae? I think you said this before, but I only know it because I've heard it prior to reading this synopsis.

 

Ariel and her friends fend off Fiachra, then flee to the safety of a churchyard. Ariel calls her father, VINCENT HAWK, on her mobile phone for help. Fiachra succeeds in snatching Ariel away to Faerie, and Vincent arrives too late to stop him. He and his brother plan and prepare to rescue Ariel themselves, and enter Faerie via Stonehenge to do so.

 

In the king's castle, Ariel speaks with Fiachra and meets the king. She reluctantly attends a feast in celebration of her and Fiachra's engagement, and defies Fiachra's attempts to trap her in Faerie with enchanted food. When Fiachra tries to force-feed her breakfast the next morning, she jams her finger in his eye to defend herself, and is whipped as punishment. Fiachra's sister, the princess, comes to Ariel's aid, and promises to help her by searching for Vincent, whom Ariel believes has entered Faerie to help her. Before the princess leaves, she tells Ariel of her years-old grudge against Fiachra, which drives her to aid Ariel against Fiachra now. You can probably get away with something simpler than another sentence. Fiachra's sister, a princess who harbors a century old grudge/ old grudges/ disdain for her brother, yadda yadda. Don't know why I assumed the Fae live for hundreds of years but I do.

 

Ariel makes friends among the Fae, but soon grows impatient waiting for news from the princess. She tries to escape the castle against the princess' advice. Fiachra catches her and locks her in a dungeon, but she breaks out and flees into the woods surrounding the castle. There she meets a Fae who saw Vincent elsewhere in Faerie a few days ago, confirming Ariel's hope.

 

Ariel is recaptured and brought back to the castle, where Fiachra rushes her through the preparations for their wedding, weeks earlier than he had originally stated. As he drags her off to the ceremony, she tries to stall him by insisting they can't be married because she's too young, and they don't have Vincent's permission.

 

Fiachra grows angry, and changes his mind altogether about marrying her. He decides to kill her instead -- she's far more trouble than she's worth, and he realizes realizes makes it sound like "oh, DuH!" Maybe use "discovers" or "finds" or something he can claim the king's throne without her. Ariel fights back and takes out Fiachra's eye in self-defense. The king deems it attempted regicide, and orders her execution for the next morning. Ariel loses hope of escaping or being rescued.

 

That night, Ariel's Fae friends help her break out of her cell and run into the woods. They find Vincent, his brother, and the princess; Ariel joyfully reunites with them. The king and his guards surround them, demanding Ariel's return. Rather than fight, Vincent tries to convince the king to let Ariel go. Fiachra, who had followed in secret, stabs the king in the back before he can answer Vincent. Moments later, a guard kills Fiachra.

 

Vincent, his brother, Ariel, and the princess rush to the king's aid. Working together, they succeed in closing and binding his wound. In return for saving his life, the king lets the humans leave Faerie. Ariel says goodbye to the princess and her Fae friends, and the humans return to Earth. Ariel reunites with her human friends in Leeds, and tries to readjust to her normal life.

 

I think that's it. Still unsure of the "oh I'll just kill her" because it makes me think "why bother" unless he discovers it throughout the story.


Currently need help with:

 

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http://agentquerycon...pra-na-fiction/

 

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http://agentquerycon...ic/35773-supra/

 


#16 Ireth

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Posted 29 April 2014 - 11:03 PM

Thanks for your comments, phenom!

 

Maybe say that it is important that Fiachra can only go after someone who believes in the Fae? I think you said this before, but I only know it because I've heard it prior to reading this synopsis. As I said before, it isn't strictly vital that he choose a bride who believes in the Fae; it just makes things easier for Fiachra.

 

You can probably get away with something simpler than another sentence. Fiachra's sister, a princess who harbors a century old grudge/ old grudges/ disdain for her brother, yadda yadda. Don't know why I assumed the Fae live for hundreds of years but I do. You assume correctly, so it's all good. :) The Fae are immortal (in the sense of never growing old, but they CAN be killed by other means), so if they don't die at birth or in battle, they can live for thousands of years. But, that said, her specific grudge that drives her to help Ariel is only about a decade and a half old.

 

realizes makes it sound like "oh, DuH!" Maybe use "discovers" or "finds" or something The "Oh, DUH!" moment is exactly what I intended. It's in character for Fiachra to not consider alternatives when he's fixated on one specific thing -- hence why he latches onto literally the first girl he meets who believes in the Fae, without even considering if there might be better options (like, for instance, someone who might be willing to go with him). So, since he's fixated on "gotta get married so I can be king!" for 95% of the book, it takes a while for him to think "hey, maybe I don't need her after all. My father wasn't married yet when HE was king. I'll find someone else later."


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#17 Ireth

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Posted 30 April 2014 - 11:37 AM

Here we go again. I think I've addressed all of phenom's points:

 

In an icy castle in Faerie, FIACHRA, prince of Faerie's Winter Court, meets with his father, the king. The king blesses Fiachra's quest to claim a bride from Earth, not knowing Fiachra plans to usurp his throne after the wedding.

 

ARIEL HAWK, an outspoken teenager with a well-founded belief in Fae, wants to enjoy a safe, normal Halloween without having to worry about the Fae. As she and her friends leave a party in their home city of Leeds, Ariel argues with her friends, insisting that the Fae exist. Hearing this, Fiachra claims her as his bride, since her belief makes her ideal in his eyes.

 

Ariel and her friends fend off Fiachra, then flee to the safety of a churchyard. Ariel calls her dad, VINCENT HAWK, on her mobile phone for help. Fiachra takes Ariel to Faerie, and Vincent is too late to stop him. He and his brother decide to rescue Ariel themselves, and enter Faerie via Stonehenge to do so.

 

In the king's castle, Ariel speaks with Fiachra and meets the king. She reluctantly attends a feast in celebration of her and Fiachra's engagement, and defies Fiachra's attempts to trap her in Faerie with enchanted food. When Fiachra tries to force-feed her the next morning, she jams her finger in his eye to defend herself, and is whipped as punishment. Fiachra's sister, a princess harboring a grudge against her brother, comes to Ariel's aid. She promises to help Ariel by finding Vincent, whom Ariel is sure has entered Faerie to help her.

 

Ariel makes friends among the Fae, but soon gets impatient waiting for news from the princess. She tries to escape the castle against the princess' advice. Fiachra catches her and locks her in a dungeon, but she breaks out and flees into the woods around the castle. There she meets a Fae who saw Vincent elsewhere in Faerie a few days ago, confirming Ariel's hope.

 

Ariel is recaptured and returned to the castle. Fiachra rushes her through the preparations for the wedding, weeks earlier than he originally stated. She tries to stop him, insisting they can't marry because she's too young, and they don't have Vincent's permission. Fiachra gets angry and tries to kill her instead, claiming she's more trouble than she's worth, and he can become king without her. She fights back, putting out his eye in self-defense. The king calls it attempted regicide, and orders her execution for the next morning. Ariel loses hope of escaping or being rescued.

 

That night, Ariel's Fae friends help her break out of her cell and flee into the woods. They find Vincent, his brother, and the princess; Ariel joyfully reunites with them. The king and his guards surround them, demanding Ariel's return. Rather than fight, Vincent tries to convince the king to let Ariel go. Fiachra, who had followed in secret, stabs the king and is killed by a guard. Vincent, his brother, Ariel, and the princess rush to the king's aid. Together they succeed in closing his wound.

 

In return for saving his life, the king lets the humans leave Faerie. Ariel says goodbye to the princess and her Fae friends, and the humans return to Earth. Ariel reunites with her human friends in Leeds, and tries to readjust to her normal life.


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#18 phenomenonsense

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Posted 30 April 2014 - 08:50 PM

Here we go again. I think I've addressed all of phenom's points:

 

In an icy castle in Faerie, FIACHRA, prince of Faerie's Winter Court, meets with his father, the king. The king blesses Fiachra's quest to claim a bride from Earth, not knowing Fiachra plans to usurp his throne after the wedding.

 

ARIEL HAWK, an outspoken teenager with a well-founded belief in Fae, wants to enjoy a safe, normal Halloween without having to worry about the Fae. As she and her friends leave a party in their home city of Leeds, Ariel argues with her friends, insisting that the Fae exist. Hearing this, Fiachra claims her as his bride, since her belief makes her ideal in his eyes.

 

Ariel and her friends fend off Fiachra, then flee to the safety of a churchyard. Ariel calls her dad, VINCENT HAWK, on her mobile phone for help. Fiachra takes Ariel to Faerie, and Vincent is too late to stop him. He and his brother decide to rescue Ariel themselves, and enter Faerie via Stonehenge to do so.

 

In the king's castle, Ariel speaks with Fiachra and meets the king. She reluctantly attends a feast in celebration of her and Fiachra's engagement, and defies Fiachra's attempts to trap her in Faerie with enchanted food. When Fiachra tries to force-feed her the next morning, she jams her finger in his eye to defend herself, and is whipped as punishment. Fiachra's sister, a princess harboring a grudge against her brother, comes to Ariel's aid. She promises to help Ariel by finding Vincent, whom Ariel is sure has entered Faerie to help her.

 

Ariel makes friends among the Fae, but soon gets impatient waiting for news from the princess. She tries to escape the castle against the princess' advice. Fiachra catches her and locks her in a dungeon, but she breaks out and flees into the woods around the castle. There she meets a Fae who saw Vincent elsewhere in Faerie a few days ago, confirming Ariel's hope.

 

Ariel is recaptured and returned to the castle. Fiachra rushes her through the preparations for the wedding, weeks earlier than he originally stated. She tries to stop him, insisting they can't marry because she's too young, and they don't have Vincent's permission. Fiachra gets angry and tries to kill her instead, claiming she's more trouble than she's worth, and he can become king without her. She fights back, putting out his eye in self-defense. The king calls it attempted regicide, and orders her execution for the next morning. Ariel loses hope of escaping or being rescued.

 

That night, Ariel's Fae friends help her break out of her cell and flee into the woods. They find Vincent, his brother, and the princess; Ariel joyfully reunites with them. The king and his guards surround them, demanding Ariel's return. Rather than fight, Vincent tries to convince the king to let Ariel go. Fiachra, who had followed in secret, stabs the king and is killed by a guard. Vincent, his brother, Ariel, and the princess rush to the king's aid. Together they succeed in closing his wound.

 

In return for saving his life, the king lets the humans leave Faerie. Ariel says goodbye to the princess and her Fae friends, and the humans return to Earth. Ariel reunites with her human friends in Leeds, and tries to readjust to her normal life.

 

There isn't really much more I  can say. I still think Fiachra is stupid, but that's really it. I get the impression that his plot for taking over the kingdom would've never worked anyway. It isn't something I think an agent would be turned off by though.


Currently need help with:

 

Query:

http://agentquerycon...pra-na-fiction/

 

250 Words:
http://agentquerycon...ic/35773-supra/

 


#19 Ireth

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Posted 30 April 2014 - 09:23 PM

There isn't really much more I  can say. I still think Fiachra is stupid, but that's really it. I get the impression that his plot for taking over the kingdom would've never worked anyway. It isn't something I think an agent would be turned off by though.

 

Well, you're not wrong. He may be smart, but he's not very wise. And you're right that his takeover would never have worked. Even if he succeeded in killing his father, he couldn't inherit the throne anyway due to missing an eye. The Fae have very strict laws that state no one who is maimed (or at least looks maimed) may inherit the throne. He'd have to get a prosthetic eye, and even then, there's still his mother to deal with. (She doesn't show up in the story at all; she's alive, but just not close to her family during the story.)


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#20 kvalenti

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Posted 06 May 2014 - 07:10 AM

Here we go again. I think I've addressed all of phenom's points:

 

In an icy castle in Faerie, FIACHRA, prince of Faerie's Winter Court, meets with his father, the king.[since FIACHRA is a prince, I would assume his father is the kind.] The king blesses Fiachra's quest to claim a bride from Earth [interesting], [Unbeknownst to him,] not knowing Fiachra plans to usurp his [insert "father's"] throne after the wedding [arguably, the king's blessing has nothing to do with Fiachra's plan to usurp the throne so they read better as two separate sentences].

 

ARIEL HAWK, an outspoken teenager with a well-founded [why is it well-founded?] belief in Fae, wants to enjoy a safe, normal Halloween without having to worry about the Fae [This doesn't add much since we don't know why she would have to worry about Fae in the first place. To put it another way, you're staying the obvious because most any teenager would want to enjoy a safe, normal Halloween]. As she and her friends leave a party in their home city of Leeds, Ariel argues with her friends, insisting that the Fae exist [I think this sentence needs a bit more. Why are they talking about Fae? Why does Ariel insist that it exists? Why don't her friend's believe her?]. Hearing this [was he at the party too? how does he hear this?], Fiachra claims her as his bride [how does he claim her?], since her belief makes her ideal in his eyes [is she the only one who believes in Fae? Is that the only requirement to be FIACHRA's bride?].

 

Ariel and her friends fend off Fiachra [what does he do that they need to fend him off?], then flee to the safety of a churchyard [is it important to mention that this is a churchyard? I only ask because every word is critical.]. Ariel calls her dad, VINCENT HAWK, [uou probably don't need to mention his name at this point] on her mobile phone [this does not seem important and it's also probably stating the obvious] for help.[stating the obvious] Fiachra takes Ariel to Faerie, and Vincent is too late to stop him [why?]. He and his brother [not sure that you need to mention his brother at this point - even if that's true int he story] decide to rescue Ariel themselves,[that's implied] and enter Faerie via Stonehenge to do so [why Stonehenge? How did they know?].

 

In the king's castle, Ariel speaks with Fiachra [about what? is she angry/excited/scared?] and meets the king [can you say something more compelling about this meeting?]. She reluctantly [why reluctantly?] attends a feast in celebration of her and Fiachra's engagement, and defies Fiachra's attempts to trap her in Faerie with enchanted food [how?]. When Fiachra tries to force-feed her [add "to eat" - I don't think you have to say that he tries to force-feed her] the next morning, she jams her finger in his eye to defend herself, and is whipped as punishment. Fiachra's sister, [name?] a princess harboring a grudge against her brother [why does she hold a grudge? Also, this is the first mention of her, perhaps you can reference her at the beginning when you talk about Fiachra and his Dad], comes to Ariel's aid [in what way?]. She promises to help Ariel by finding Vincent,[Ariel's father - the story is about her and she probably doesn't refer to her dad as Vincent. I think it sounds better here to say "her father" rather than his name] whom Ariel is sure [what makes her so sure?] has entered Faerie to help her.

 

Ariel makes friends among the Fae [how does she do that?], but soon gets impatient waiting for news from the princess [Fiachra's sister?]. She tries to escape the castle against the princess' advice [I thought she was waiting on news from her]. Fiachra catches her and locks her in a dungeon, but she breaks out and flees into the woods around the castle. There she meets a Fae who saw Vincent [Ariel's father] elsewhere in Faerie a few days ago, confirming Ariel's hope.

 

Ariel is recaptured [how?] and returned to the castle. Fiachra rushes her through the preparations for the wedding, weeks earlier than he originally stated. She tries to stop him, insisting they can't marry because she's too young, and they don't have Vincent's permission [why didn't she bring all of this up earlier? and how old is she?]. Fiachra gets angry and tries to kill her instead [whoa, that seems a bit drastic. He's gone through all this trouble to marry her and now he wants to kill her? I don't doubt that he gets to that point but it's not clear in the Synopsis how he got from point A to point B], claiming she's more trouble than she's worth [why doesn't he just return her to Earth], and he can become king without her. She fights back, putting out his eye in self-defense [I don't know that you need to focus so much on these little details about her specific self-defense tactics. It's probably not relevant for the synopsis how exactly she fights back]. The king calls it attempted regicide [why? she wasn't trying to kill the king, was she?], and orders her execution for the next morning. Ariel loses hope of escaping or being rescued.

 

That night, Ariel's Fae friends help her break out of her cell and flee into the woods. They find Vincent, [her father] his brother [is he necessary for this plot?], and the princess [name?]; Ariel joyfully reunites with them.[I think this can be assumed.] The king and his guards surround them [when did they get there and how?], demanding Ariel's return. Rather than fight, [her fatherVincent tries to convince the king to let Ariel go [how, what does he do/say?]. Fiachra, who had followed in secret, stabs the king and is killed by a guard [In one sentence you have Fiachra's achieving his goal and then dying. I think it would read better if this was at least two sentences]. Vincent, his brother, Ariel, and the princess rush to the king's aid [why?]. Together they succeed in closing his wound [how?].

 

In return for saving his life, the king lets the humans leave Faerie. Ariel says goodbye to the princess and her Fae friends, and the humans return to Earth. Ariel reunites with her human friends in Leeds, and tries to readjust to her normal life.

 

Hi! I can tell you've put a lot of thought and effort into this. Hopefully my feedback helps!


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