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Winter's Queen (YA fantasy)


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#21 Ireth

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Posted 06 May 2014 - 02:12 PM

In an icy castle in Faerie, FIACHRA, prince of Faerie's Winter Court, meets with his father. The king blesses Fiachra's quest to claim a bride from Earth, not knowing Fiachra plans to usurp his throne after the wedding.

 

ARIEL HAWK, an outspoken sixteen-year-old with a well-founded belief in Fae, wants to enjoy a safe, normal Halloween with her friends. As she and her friends leave a party in Leeds, they talk about the Fae; Ariel's friends mock her beliefs, while Ariel argues that the Fae exist. Fiachra, having followed them and overheard, claims Ariel as his bride, since her belief makes her ideal in his eyes. Ariel and her friends fend Fiachra off, then flee. Ariel phones her dad, VINCENT HAWK, for help. Fiachra sedates Ariel and takes her to Faerie, and Vincent is too late to stop him. To find Ariel, Vincent and his brother DOM HAWK enter Faerie via a portal in Stonehenge.

 

In the king's castle, Fiachra brings Ariel to meet the king. To her dismay, the king approves of Fiachra's choice of a bride. Ariel attends a feast in honor of her and Fiachra's engagement, and defies Fiachra's attempts to trap her in Faerie with enchanted food. When Fiachra tries to force-feed her the next morning, she jams her finger in his eye to defend herself, and is whipped as punishment. Fiachra's sister MÉABH comes to Ariel's aid, to take revenge on her brother for his betrayal of Méabh and her lover years ago. Méabh promises to help Ariel by finding Vincent, whom Ariel is sure has entered Faerie to help her.

 

Ariel befriends some kindly Fae, but gets impatient with waiting for news from Méabh, and flees the castle against Méabh's advice. Fiachra catches her and locks her in a dungeon, but she breaks out and escapes into the woods surrounding the castle. There she meets a Fae who saw Vincent elsewhere in Faerie a few days ago, confirming Ariel's hope.

 

Ariel is recaptured by the castle guards and returned to the castle. Fiachra rushes her through the preparations for the wedding, weeks earlier than he had said at first. She tries to stall him, saying they can't marry since she's too young, and they don't have her dad's permission. Fed up with her resistance, Fiachra tries to kill her instead—he claims she's more trouble than she's worth, and he can become king without her. She fights back and puts out his eye in self-defense. Despite her pleas to the contrary, the king calls it attempted regicide. He orders her execution for the next morning, calling it less of a hassle than returning her to Earth. Ariel loses hope of escaping or being saved.

 

That night, Ariel's Fae friends help her break out of her cell and flee into the woods, where they find Vincent, Dom and Méabh. The king and his guards track the group down and surround them, demanding Ariel's return. Rather than fight, Vincent tries to convince the king to let Ariel go, saying death is too harsh a penalty for Ariel's crime. Fiachra, who had followed in secret, stabs the king before he can respond. A guard then kills Fiachra, while Vincent, Dom, Ariel and Méabh rush to the king's aid. They succeed in closing his wound.

 

In return for saving his life, the king lets the humans leave Faerie. Ariel says goodbye to Méabh and her Fae friends, and the humans return to Earth. Ariel reunites with her human friends, and tries to readjust to a normal life.


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#22 Joseph Isaacs

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Posted 07 May 2014 - 12:49 PM

Here we go again. I think I've addressed all of phenom's points:

 

In an icy castle in Faerie, FIACHRA, prince of Faerie's Winter Court, meets with his father, the king. The king blesses Fiachra's quest to claim a bride from Earth, not knowing Fiachra plans to usurp his throne after the wedding. good

 

ARIEL HAWK, an outspoken teenager with a well-founded belief in Fae, wants to enjoy a safe, normal Halloween without having to worry about the Fae. you use Fae twice in this sentence, the first one sounds positive, the second negative. that confused me.  As she and her friends leave a party in their home city of Leeds, Ariel argues with her friends, insisting that the Fae exist. Hearing this, Fiachra claims her as his bride, since her belief makes her ideal in his eyes.

 

Ariel and her friends fend off Fiachra, then flee to the safety of a churchyard. Ariel calls her dad, VINCENT HAWK, on her mobile phone for help. Fiachra takes Ariel to Faerie, and Vincent is too late to stop him. He and his brother decide to rescue Ariel themselves, and enter Faerie via Stonehenge to do so. cool

 

In the king's castle, Ariel speaks with Fiachra and meets the king. She reluctantly attends a feast in celebration of her and Fiachra's engagement, and defies Fiachra's attempts to trap her in Faerie with enchanted food. mmm sounds a bit strange. Battle with a jelly doughnut? When Fiachra tries to force-feed her the next morning, even stranger! sounds like the adventure of an annorexic. Is there a way to convey this better? she jams her finger in his eye to defend herself, sounds kind of random, not sure this is coming off like you want it too and is whipped as punishment. Fiachra's sister, a princess harboring a grudge against her brother, comes to Ariel's aid. She promises to help Ariel by finding Vincent, whom Ariel is sure has entered Faerie to help her.

 

Ariel makes friends among the Fae, but soon gets impatient waiting for news from the princess. She tries to escape the castle against the princess' advice. Fiachra catches her and locks her in a dungeon, but she breaks out and flees into the woods around the castle. There she meets a Fae who saw Vincent elsewhere in Faerie a few days ago, confirming Ariel's hope.

 

Ariel is recaptured and returned to the castle. Fiachra rushes her through the preparations for the wedding, weeks earlier than he originally stated. She tries to stop him, insisting they can't marry because she's too young, and they don't have Vincent's permission. Fiachra gets angry and tries to kill her instead, claiming she's more trouble than she's worth, and he can become king without her. She fights back, putting out his eye in self-defense. theres the eye again, is the eye his weakness? The king calls it attempted regicide, or eyeicide and orders her execution for the next morning. Ariel loses hope of escaping or being rescued.

 

That night, Ariel's Fae friends help her break out of her cell and flee into the woods. They find Vincent, his brother, and the princess; Ariel joyfully reunites with them. The king and his guards surround them, demanding Ariel's return. Rather than fight, Vincent tries to convince the king to let Ariel go. Fiachra, who had followed in secret, stabs the king and is killed by a guard. Vincent, his brother, Ariel, and the princess rush to the king's aid. Together they succeed in closing his wound. synopsis are a pain in the butt aren't they? would you mind looking at the latest of mine for soul hosts. I reduced the characters as much as I could

 

In return for saving his life, the king lets the humans leave Faerie. Ariel says goodbye to the princess and her Fae friends, and the humans return to Earth. Ariel reunites with her human friends in Leeds, and tries to readjust to her normal life.



#23 Ireth

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Posted 07 May 2014 - 02:56 PM

In an icy castle in Faerie, FIACHRA, prince of Faerie's Winter Court, meets with his father. The king blesses Fiachra's quest to claim a bride from Earth, not knowing Fiachra plans to usurp his throne after the wedding.

 

ARIEL HAWK, an outspoken sixteen-year-old with a well-founded belief in Fae, wants to enjoy a safe, normal Halloween. As she and her friends leave a party in Leeds, they talk about the Fae; Ariel's friends mock her beliefs, while Ariel argues that the Fae exist. Fiachra, having followed them and overheard, claims Ariel as his bride, as her belief makes her ideal in his eyes. Ariel and her friends fend Fiachra off, then flee. Ariel phones her dad, VINCENT HAWK, for help. Fiachra sedates Ariel and abducts her to Faerie, and Vincent arrives too late to stop him. To find Ariel, Vincent and his brother DOM HAWK enter Faerie via a portal in Stonehenge.

 

In the king's castle, Fiachra brings Ariel to meet the king. To her dismay, the king approves their engagement. Ariel attends a feast in honor of her and Fiachra's engagement, but refuses to eat the enchanted food Fiachra with which tempts her. When he tries to force-feed her the next morning, she jams her finger in his eye to defend herself, and is whipped as punishment. Fiachra's sister MÉABH comes to Ariel's aid, to take revenge on her brother for his betrayal of Méabh and her lover years ago. Méabh promises to help Ariel by finding Vincent and Dom, whom Ariel believes to have entered Faerie.

 

Ariel befriends a few kindly Fae, but gets impatient with waiting for news from Méabh, and flees the castle against Méabh's advice. Fiachra catches her and locks her in a dungeon, but she breaks out and escapes into the woods surrounding the castle. There she meets a Fae who saw Vincent elsewhere in Faerie a few days ago, confirming Ariel's hope.

 

The castle guards recapture Ariel and return her to the castle. Fiachra rushes her through wedding preparations, weeks earlier than he'd said at first. She insists they can't marry because she's too young, and they don't have her dad's permission. Fed up with her resistance, Fiachra tries to kill her instead—he claims she's more trouble than she's worth, and he can become king without her. Ariel fights back and puts out his eye in self-defense. Despite her pleas to the contrary, the king rules it attempted regicide. He orders her execution for the next morning, claiming it's much less hassle than returning her to Earth. Ariel loses hope of escaping or being saved.

 

That night, Ariel's Fae friends help her break out of her cell and flee into the woods, where they find Vincent, Dom and Méabh. The king and his guards track the group down and surround them, demanding Ariel's return. Rather than fight, Vincent tries to convince the king to let Ariel go, saying death is too harsh a penalty for Ariel's crime. Fiachra, who had followed in secret, stabs the king before he can respond. A guard kills Fiachra, and Vincent, Dom, Ariel and Méabh rush to the king's aid. They succeed in closing his wound.

 

In return for saving his life, the king lets the humans leave Faerie. Ariel says goodbye to Méabh and her Fae friends, and the humans return to Earth. Ariel reunites with her human friends, and tries to readjust to a normal life.


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#24 bhill010

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Posted 08 May 2014 - 11:53 PM

In an icy castle in Faerie, FIACHRA, prince of Faerie's Winter Court, meets with his father. The king blesses Fiachra's quest to claim a bride from Earth, not knowing Fiachra plans to usurp his throne after the wedding.

 

ARIEL HAWK, an outspoken sixteen-year-old with a well-founded (I think a more clear adjective would be better) belief in Fae, wants to enjoy a safe, normal Halloween. As she and her friends leave a party in Leeds, they talk about the Fae; (I still think a short definition of the Fae would help, especially since you use the term frequently) Ariel's friends mock her beliefs, while Ariel argues that the Fae exist. Fiachra, having followed them and overheard (huh? How did he travel from Faerie to Earth? This really surprised me.), claims Ariel as his bride, as her belief makes her ideal in his eyes (Why? Certainly the women on his own planet, who'd also believe in Fae since they are Fae themselves, fit this criteria. I know you explained that the women in his own world don't want him, but it's not explained here). Ariel and her friends fend Fiachra off, then flee. and Ariel phones her dad, VINCENT HAWK, for help. But Vincent is too late--Fiachra abducted Ariel and returned to his own world in Faerie (I reworded this section). To find Ariel, Vincent and his brother DOM HAWK enter Faerie via a portal in Stonehenge.

 

In the king's castle, Fiachra brings Ariel to meet the king. To her dismay, the king approves their engagement. Ariel attends a feast in honor of her and Fiachra's engagement, but refuses to eat the enchanted food Fiachra with which tempts her (Why? What are the effects of the enchanted food?). When he tries to force-feed her the next morning, she jams her finger in his eye to defend herself, and is whipped as punishment. (This part seems really random. The force-feeding and the poking of his eye just seem out of place)Fiachra's sister MÉABH comes to Ariel's aid, to take revenge on her brother for his betrayal of Méabh and her lover of her years ago. Méabh promises to help Ariel by finding Vincent and Dom, whom Ariel believes to have entered Faerie.

 

But Ariel befriends a few kindly Fae, but gets impatient with waiting for news from Méabh and flees the castle against Méabh's advice. Fiachra catches her and locks her in a dungeon, but she breaks out and escapes (I crossed this out because it seemed repetitive for Ariel to flee the castle, then get recaptured, only to break out and flee again, only to be captured again. I'm sure there's more to it in the actual novel, but the way it reads here is repetitive) into the woods surrounding woods the castle. There she meets a Fae who saw Vincent elsewhere in Faerie a few days ago, confirming Ariel's hope.

 

The castle guards recapture Ariel and return her to the castle. Fiachra rushes her through wedding preparations, weeks earlier than he'd said at first. She insists they can't marry because she's too young, and they don't have her dad's permission. Fed up with her resistance, Fiachra tries to kill her instead—he claims she's more trouble than she's worth, and he can become king without her (If he can become king without her, then why has he gone through such lengths already?). Ariel fights back and puts out his eye in self-defense. Despite her pleas to the contrary, the king rules it attempted regicide. He orders her execution for the next morning, claiming it's much less hassle than returning her to Earth. Ariel loses hope of escaping or being saved.

 

That night, Ariel's Fae friends help her break out of her cell and flee into the woods, where they find Vincent, Dom and Méabh. The king and his guards track the group down and surround them, demanding Ariel's return. Rather than fight, Vincent tries to convince the king to let Ariel go, saying death is too harsh a penalty for Ariel's crime. Fiachra, who had followed in secret, stabs the king before he can respond. A guard kills Fiachra, and Vincent, Dom, Ariel and Méabh rush to the king's aid. They succeed in closing his wound.

 

In return for saving his life, the king lets the humans leave Faerie. Ariel says goodbye to Méabh and her Fae friends, and the humans return to Earth. Ariel reunites with her human friends, and tries to readjust to a normal life.

Hi Ireth! I've joined the world of synopsis critiquing! I'm not as experienced in writing synopses myself, so I just pointed out things in the story summary that were unclear to me. My line comments show everything! 

 

I hope these are helpful! I've just started my first draft on the synopsis for THE VIGILANTE. I'd appreciate any feedback if you have the time. Thanks in advance!


THE VIGILANTE (YA action/thriller)

Query: http://agentquerycon...actionthriller/

Synopsis: http://agentquerycon...actionthriller/


#25 aehearn

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Posted 02 June 2014 - 04:26 PM

Here we go again. I think I've addressed all of phenom's points:

 

In an icy castle in Faerie, FIACHRA, prince of Faerie's Winter Court, meets with his father, the king. <<Not necessary. It's not establishing tension. The king blesses Fiachra's quest to claim a bride from Earth, not knowing Fiachra plans to usurp his throne after the wedding. <<This is where the tension begins. Start here. 

 

When the king of Faerie blesses his son, FIACHRA's, request to claim a bride from Earth, he unknowingly plays into the young prince's plan to usurp the throne after his wedding. Meanwhile, ARIEL HAWK an outspoken teenager with a well-founded belief in Fae, <<WHY? I think I asked this when I critiqued your query too. If you can't work it in there, definetly try to work it in here. So much of your plot hinges on us suspending our disbelief here wants to enjoy a safe, normal Halloween without having to worry about the Fae. As she and her friends leave a party in their home city of Leeds, Ariel argues with her friends, insisting that the Fae exist. <<I thought she didn't want to worry about the Fae? Hearing this, Fiachra claims her as his bride, since her belief makes her ideal in his eyes.

 

Ariel and her friends fend off Fiachra, then flee to the safety of a churchyard. Ariel calls her dad, VINCENT HAWK, on her mobile phone for helpAfter fending off Fiachra, Ariel and her friends flee to a churchyard where Ariel calls her dad, VINCENT HAWK. But before he arrives, Fiachra takes overpowers the girls and steals Ariel away to Faerie. and Vincent is too late to stop him. He Vincent and his brother decide plan to rescue Ariel themselves, and enter Faerie via Stonehenge to do so.

 

In the king's castle, Ariel speaks with Fiachra and meets the king. She <<This is too general. I'd either cut it or give more specifics. reluctantly attends a feast in celebration of her and Fiachra's engagement, and defies Fiachra's attempts to trap her in Faerie with enchanted food. When Fiachra tries to force-feed her the next morning, she jams her finger in his eye to defend herself, and is whipped as punishment. Fiachra's sister, a princess harboring a grudge against her brother, comes to Ariel's aid. She promises to help Ariel by finding Vincent, whom Ariel is sure has entered Faerie to help her. <<How is she sure? A dream or something? A hunch because her dad believes in Fae?

 

Ariel makes friends among the Fae, but soon gets impatient waiting for news from the princess. She and tries to escape the castle on her own against the princess' advice. Fiachra catches her <<a detail of how or where might be nice and locks her in a dungeon, but she breaks out ​<<If not a detail in the first clause, DEFINITELY one here and flees into the woods around the castle. There she meets a Fae who saw Vincent elsewhere in Faerie a few days ago, confirming Ariel's hope.

 

Ariel is recaptured and returned to the castle. <<If you don't add details to differentiate the different runs away/ captured/ recaptured cycles this reads too cyclical Fiachra rushes her through the preparations for the wedding, weeks earlier than he originally stated. She tries to stop him, insisting they can't marry because she's too young, and they don't have Vincent's permission. Fiachra gets angry and tries to kill her instead, claiming she's more trouble than she's worth, <<Wow. This seems a bit... umm, much. I need more motive here. What makes him think his plan will succeed without here if he was so sure he needed her before? and he can become king without her. She fights back, putting out his eye in self-defense. <<His other eye? Didn't she already do this? The king calls it attempted regicide, and orders her execution for the next morning. Ariel loses hope of escaping or being rescued.

 

That night, Ariel's Fae friends help her break out of her cell and flee into the woods. <<again They find Vincent, his brother, and the princess; Ariel joyfully reunites with them. The king and his guards surround them, demanding Ariel's return. Rather than fight, Vincent tries to convince the king to let Ariel go. Fiachra, who had followed in secret, stabs the king and is killed by a guard. <<Wow. Has he gone mad or something? I'd like a bit of elaboration here. Too much happening in one sentence, even for a synopsis. Mostly, I get the sense Fiachra's descending into maddness... I'd like to actually see more of that in the synopsis Vincent, his brother, Ariel, and the princess rush to the king's aid, and together, they succeed in closing his wound.

 

In return for saving his life, the king lets the humans leave Faerie. Ariel says goodbye to the princess and her Fae friends, and the humans return to Earth. Ariel reunites with her human friends in Leeds, and tries to readjust to her normal life. <<I like this. Just open ended enough to keep us wondering, but all the plot lines feel resolved.

 

From this synopsis I can tell you have a very active protagonist and well-imagined world. Great job. Also, all the plot lines feel resolved in the end, leaving just enough open to keep us wondering. Very nice.

 

I wonder if in the middle too many plot elements repeat themselves? (Ariel poking out Fiachra's eyes, her escaping and being recaptured). I'm not sure what your manuscript word count is, but it feels some of these elements could be combined... or at least diversified.

 

Ashley



#26 Ireth

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Posted 02 June 2014 - 04:40 PM

Thanks for your comments, Ashley!

 

<<WHY? I think I asked this when I critiqued your query too. If you can't work it in there, definetly try to work it in here. So much of your plot hinges on us suspending our disbelief here I agree that this should be clarified, but I'm not sure how to do it without adding in clunky bits of backstory mid-sentence. The incident which resulted in the Hawk family's belief in Fae happened ~17 years prior, when Ariel was only a few days old. A Fae (not Fiachra) tried to kidnap baby Ariel and make her his own daughter, but Ariel's father and uncle fought him off. Since it's only alluded to as backstory and not spelled out in a prologue or anything, I don't want the backstory to detract from the main plot. Any thoughts on how to work this?

 

<<How is she sure? A dream or something? A hunch because her dad believes in Fae? A hunch because he believes in Fae, and he has an extremely protective "Papa Wolf" personality. He'll stop at nothing to get her back, and she knows this.

 

<<Wow. This seems a bit... umm, much. I need more motive here. What makes him think his plan will succeed without here if he was so sure he needed her before? He has a very obsessive personality, which is why it takes so long for him to consider alternate options for his MO. But he's not about to give up on usurping his father's throne because of one setback.

 

<<His other eye? Didn't she already do this? It's the same eye. The first time was a more or less harmless poke, the second time was an actual stab. At first i didn't have her hurt his eye earlier on, but I realized it would be good foreshadowing for the climactic stabbing.

 

<<Wow. Has he gone mad or something? I'd like a bit of elaboration here. Too much happening in one sentence, even for a synopsis. Mostly, I get the sense Fiachra's descending into maddness... I'd like to actually see more of that in the synopsis Yes, he has gone mad. It's not really a slow decline, more of an abrupt plummet when he finally gets fed up with Ariel's attempts to flee from him. The moment he tries to kill her is when he "snaps".

 

I wonder if in the middle too many plot elements repeat themselves? (Ariel poking out Fiachra's eyes, her escaping and being recaptured). I'm not sure what your manuscript word count is, but it feels some of these elements could be combined... or at least diversified. The repetition is entirely deliberate on my part, so I don't want to change it. Ariel is as stubborn as her father, so she keeps trying to escape over and over, determined that the next time she'll finally get out for good. The eye-injuries, as I said above, are a case of foreshadowing and payoff. The MS is 80,000 words, which IIRC is the sweet-spot for YA.


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#27 Ireth

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Posted 02 June 2014 - 06:47 PM

FIACHRA, prince of Faerie's Winter Court, obtains his father's blessing for his quest to claim a human bride. Unbeknownst to the king, Fiachra intends to usurp his throne after the marriage.

 

ARIEL HAWK has believed in the Fae her whole life, thanks to one of them trying to kidnap her as an infant. Now sixteen, all she wants is to enjoy a safe, normal Halloween without having to worry about another such attempt. Her best friends, a pair of twin brothers, mock Ariel's beliefs, while Ariel insists the Fae exist. Having followed them and overheard, Fiachra claims Ariel as his bride, since her belief makes her ideal in his eyes. Ariel and her friends fight Fiachra off, then run to a nearby churchyard for safety. On the way, Ariel phones her dad, VINCENT HAWK, for help. Before Vincent can reach them, Fiachra overpowers the twins and abducts Ariel to Faerie. To find her, Vincent and his brother DOM HAWK enter Faerie through a portal in Stonehenge.

 

Fiachra brings Ariel to meet the king, who approves of their engagement. Ariel attends a feast in honor of her and Fiachra's upcoming marriage, but refuses to eat the enchanted food with which Fiachra tempts her. When he tries to force-feed her the following day, she jams her finger in his eye to defend herself and is whipped as punishment. Fiachra's sister MÉABH comes to Ariel's aid, to avenge Fiachra's betrayal of Méabh and her lover in years past. Ariel asserts that Vincent and Dom have entered Faerie, as they too believe in Fae after fighting off Ariel's first would-be kidnapper, who was not Fiachra. Méabh sets out to search for them, to bring them to Ariel's aid.

 

Ariel befriends two kindly Fae over the next few days, but gets impatient waiting for news from Méabh. She steals food and a knife, and tries to flee the castle against Méabh's advice. Fiachra catches her on the threshold and locks her in a dungeon, but she breaks out and escapes into the woods surrounding the castle. There she meets a malevolent Fae who saw Vincent elsewhere in Faerie not long ago, confirming Ariel's hope. The Fae attacks Ariel, who kills her in self-defense.

 

The king's guards recapture Ariel and return her to the castle, where Fiachra rushes her through wedding preparations. She insists they can't marry because she's too young, and they don't have her dad's permission. Driven mad with frustration, but still obsessed with kingship, Fiachra tries to kill Ariel instead—he claims she's more trouble than she's worth, and he can be king without her. Ariel fights back and puts out his eye in self-defense. Despite her pleas, the king rules it attempted regicide. He orders her execution for the next morning, saying it's far less hassle than returning her to Earth. While in prison, Ariel loses hope of escaping or being saved.

 

That night, Ariel's Fae friends help her break out of her cell and flee into the woods, where they find Vincent, Dom and Méabh. The king and his guards track the group down and surround them, demanding Ariel's return. Rather than fight, Vincent tries to convince the king to let Ariel go, saying death is too harsh a punishment for Ariel's crime. Fiachra, who had followed in secret, stabs the king before he can respond. A guard kills Fiachra, and Vincent, Dom, Ariel and Méabh rush to the king's aid. Together they succeed in closing the king's wound.

 

In return for saving his life, the king lets the humans leave Faerie. Ariel says goodbye to Méabh and her Fae friends, and the humans return to Earth. Ariel reunites with the twins, and tries to readjust to a normal life.


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#28 sbmcveigh

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Posted 04 June 2014 - 03:24 PM

Here we go again. I think I've addressed all of phenom's points:

 

In an icy castle in Faerie, prince FIACHRA of the Winter Court meets with his father. The king blesses Fiachra's quest to claim a bride from Earth, not knowing Fiachra plans to usurp his throne after the wedding.

 

ARIEL HAWK, an outspoken teenager, raised to believe in Fae, wants to enjoy a safe, normal Halloween without having to worry about the Fae her father warns her about. As she and her friends leave a party in their home city of Leeds, Ariel argues with her friends, insisting that the Fae exist. Hearing this, Fiachra claims her as his bride, since her belief makes her ideal in his eyes (since her beauty and belief in their existence intrigues him? needs a little more spice).

 

Ariel and her friends fend off Fiachra, then fleeing to the safety of a churchyard. Ariel calls her dad, VINCENT HAWK, on her mobile phone for help, but he is too late to stop Fiachra takes from kidnapping Ariel to Faerie. , and Vincent is too late to stop him. He (seemed a little akward so I rearranged) Vincent convinces his brother to help him rescue Ariel themselves, and they enter Faerie via Stonehenge to do so. I like the Stonehenge aspect. (I took out "decided" because it doesn't seem like saving his daughter should be questionable.)

 

In the king's castle, Ariel speaks (about what? being kidnapped?) with Fiachra and meets the king. She unwillingly reluctantly attends a feast in celebration of her and Fiachra's engagement, and defies Fiachra's attempts to trap her in Faerie with enchanted food. When Fiachra tries to force-feed her the next morning, she jams her finger in his eye to  injures his eye when defending herself, and is whipped as punishment. Fiachra's sister, a princess harboring a grudge against her brother, comes to Ariel's aid. She promises to help Ariel by finding Vincent, whom Ariel is sure has entered Faerie to help her.

 

Ariel makes friends among the Fae, but soon gets impatient waiting for news from the princess. She tries to escape the castle against the princess' advice. Fiachra catches her and locks her in a dungeon, but she breaks out and flees into the woods surrounding around the castle. There she meets a Fae who saw Vincent elsewhere in Faerie a few days ago, confirming Ariel's hope.

 

Fiachra recaptures Ariel and returned to the castle. Fiachra rushes her through the preparations for the wedding, weeks earlier than he originally stated. She tries to stop him, insisting they can't marry because she's too young, and he doesn't they don't have Vincent's permission. Fiachra gets angry Enraged by her defiance, Fiachra tries to murder Ariel kill her instead, claiming she's more trouble than she's worth, and he can become king without her. (this seems rather 'pouty', maybe reword) She fights back, putting out his eye in self-defense (didn't that already happen?). The king calls it attempted regicide, and orders her execution for the next morning. Ariel loses hope of escaping or being rescued.

 

That night, Ariel's Fae friends help her break out of her cell and flee into the woods. They find Vincent, his brother, and the princess; Ariel joyfully reunites with them. The king and his guards surround them, demanding Ariel's return. Rather than fight, Vincent tries to convince the king to let Ariel go. Fiachra, who had followed in secret, stabs the king but then and is killed by a guard (took out "and" bc it wasnt clear if it was the king or Fiachra who the guard killed). Vincent, his brother, Ariel, and the princess rush to the king's aid. Together they succeed in closing his wound. (kinda rough, maybe "...aid, saving him from a potentially fatal wound?")

 

In return for saving his life, the king lets the humans leave Faerie. Ariel says goodbye to the princess and her Fae friends, and the humans return to Earth. Ariel reunites with her human friends in Leeds, and tries to readjust to her blessedly normal life. (needs a little more kick in the end)

 

Most important question: If I were in a book store and picked this up, would I want to buy it and read it? YES. I think the action has a good pace, the storyline is unique/intriguing. Clear sense of plot/conflict. My suggestions are completely speculative, but hope they help.



#29 sbmcveigh

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Posted 04 June 2014 - 03:28 PM

ug, so the latest revision didn't appear until after I posted...sorry, let me do it agian on the RIGHT one.



#30 Ireth

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Posted 04 June 2014 - 03:30 PM

ug, so the latest revision didn't appear until after I posted...sorry, let me do it agian on the RIGHT one.

 

No worries. :) Thanks again for looking it over!


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#31 sbmcveigh

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Posted 04 June 2014 - 03:47 PM

FIACHRA, prince of Faerie's Winter Court, obtains his father's blessing for his quest to claim a human bride. Unbeknownst to the king, Fiachra intends to usurp his throne after the marriage. good

 

ARIEL HAWK has believed in the Fae her whole life, thanks to one of them trying to kidnap her as an infant. Now sixteen, all she wants is to enjoy a safe, normal Halloween without having to worry about another such attempt. Her best friends, a pair of twin brothers, mock Ariel's beliefs, while Ariel insists the Fae exist. Having followed them and overheard, Fiachra claims Ariel as his bride, since her belief makes her ideal in his eyes. Ariel and her friends fight Fiachra off, then run to a nearby churchyard for safety. On the way, Ariel phones her dad, VINCENT HAWK, for help. Before Vincent can reach them, Fiachra overpowers the twins and abducts Ariel to Faerie. To find her, Vincent and his brother DOM HAWK enter Faerie through a portal in Stonehenge. good

 

Fiachra brings Ariel to meet the king, who approves of their engagement. Ariel attends a feast in honor of her and Fiachra's upcoming marriage, but refuses to eat the enchanted food with which Fiachra tempts her. When he tries to force-feed her the following day, she jams her finger in his eye to defend herself and is whipped as punishment. Fiachra's sister MÉABH comes to Ariel's aid, to avenge Fiachra's betrayal of Méabh and her lover in years past. Ariel asserts that Vincent and Dom have entered Faerie, as they too believe in Fae after fighting off Ariel's first would-be kidnapper, who was not Fiachra. Méabh sets out to search for them, to bring them to Ariel's aid. (see my previous post on this for rewording)

 

Ariel befriends two kindly Fae over the next few days, but gets impatient waiting for news from Méabh. She steals food and a knife, and tries to flee the castle against Méabh's advice. Fiachra catches her on the threshold and locks her in a dungeon, but she breaks out and escapes into the woods surrounding the castle. There she meets a malevolent Fae who saw Vincent elsewhere in Faerie not long ago, confirming Ariel's hope. The Fae attacks Ariel, who kills her in self-defense.

 

The king's guards recapture Ariel and return her to the castle, where Fiachra rushes her through wedding preparations. She insists they can't marry because she's too young, and they don't have her dad's permission. Driven mad with frustration, but still obsessed with kingship, Fiachra tries to kill Ariel instead—he claims she's more trouble than she's worth, and he can be king without her. (possibly reword bc it seems 'pouty' vs suspensful) Ariel fights back and puts out his eye in self-defense.(maybe add "finishes what she started" in some way to make more sense to the agent. I know double eye injury is intential but the agent wont know that) Despite her pleas, the king rules it attempted regicide. He orders her execution for the next morning, saying it's far less hassle than returning her to Earth. While in prison, Ariel loses hope of escaping or being saved.

 

That night, Ariel's Fae friends help her break out of her cell and flee into the woods, where they find Vincent, Dom and Méabh. The king and his guards track the group down and surround them, demanding Ariel's return. Rather than fight, Vincent tries to convince the king to let Ariel go, saying death is too harsh a punishment for Ariel's crime. Fiachra, who had followed in secret, stabs the king before he can respond. A guard kills Fiachra, and Vincent, Dom, Ariel and Méabh rush to the king's aid. Together they succeed in closing the king's wound. (see previous post rewording)

 

In return for saving his life, the king lets the humans leave Faerie. Ariel says goodbye to Méabh and her Fae friends, and the humans return to Earth. Ariel reunites with the twins, and tries to readjust to a blessedly normal life. (just a suggestion to add a bit more affirmation to the end)

Many of the things I saw in the previous draft were fixed in this one. Great work!



#32 S.H. Marr

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Posted 06 June 2014 - 09:18 PM

Prince FIACHRA of Faerie's Winter Court obtains his father's blessing for his quest to claim a human bride. Is there a specific woman, or does he just want a human bride? Unbeknownst to the king, Fiachra intends to usurp his throne after the marriage. I'm missing the connection between the first sentence and the second one.

 

ARIEL HAWK has believed in the Fae her whole life, thanks to one of them trying to kidnap her as an infant. Now sixteen, all she wants is to enjoy a safe, normal Halloween without having to worry about another such attempt. Her best friends, a pair of twin brothers, mock Ariel's beliefs, while Ariel insists the Fae exist. Having followed them and overheard, Fiachra claims Ariel as his bride, since her belief makes her ideal in his eyes. Ariel and her friends fight Fiachra off, then run to a nearby churchyard for safety. On the way, Ariel phones her dad, VINCENT HAWK, for help. Before Vincent can reach them, Fiachra overpowers the twins and abducts Ariel to Faerie. To find her, Vincent and his brother DOM HAWK enter Faerie through a portal in Stonehenge. Yeah, I'm not so much liking your MC. There has to be a way to phrase his actions as reasonable.

 

Fiachra brings Ariel to meet the king, who approves of their engagement. Ariel attends a feast in honor of her and Fiachra's the upcoming marriage, but refuses to eat the enchanted food with which Fiachra tempts her. When he tries to force-feed her the following day, she jams her finger in his eye to defend herself and is whipped as punishment. Fiachra's sister MÉABH comes to Ariel's aid, to avenge Fiachra's betrayal of Méabh and her lover in years past. Ariel asserts that Vincent and Dom have entered Faerie, as they too believe in Fae after fighting off Ariel's first would-be kidnapper, who was not Fiachra. I hadn't assumed it was. Méabh sets out to search for them, to bring them to Ariel's aid.

 

Ariel befriends two kindly Fae over the next few days, but gets impatient waiting for news from Méabh. She steals food and a knife, and tries to flee the castle against Méabh's advice. Fiachra catches her on the threshold and locks her in a dungeon, but she breaks out and escapes into the woods surrounding the castle. There she meets a malevolent Fae Not Fiachra? who saw Vincent elsewhere in Faerie not long ago, confirming Ariel's hope. The Fae attacks Ariel, who kills her in self-defense.

 

The king's guards recapture Ariel and return her to the castle, where Fiachra rushes her through wedding preparations. She insists they can't marry because she's too young, and they don't have her dad's permission. Driven mad with frustration, but still obsessed with kingship, Fiachra tries to kill Ariel instead—he claims she's more trouble than she's worth, and he can be king without her. Ariel fights back and puts out his eye in self-defense. Despite her pleas, the king rules it attempted regicide. He orders her execution for the next morning, saying it's far less hassle than returning her to Earth. While in prison, Ariel loses hope of escaping or being saved.

 

That night, Ariel's Fae friends help her break out of her cell and flee into the woods, where they find Vincent, Dom, and Méabh. The king and his guards track the group down and surround them, demanding Ariel's return. Rather than fight, Vincent tries to convince the king to let Ariel go, saying death is too harsh a punishment for Ariel's crime. Fiachra, who had followed in secret, stabs the king before he can respond. A guard kills Fiachra, and Vincent, Dom, Ariel, and Méabh rush to the king's aid. Together they succeed in closing the king's wound.

 

In return for saving his life, the king lets the humans leave Faerie. Ariel says goodbye to Méabh and her Fae friends, and the humans return to Earth. Ariel reunites with the twins, and tries to readjust to a normal life.

 

You need to mention Ariel first, as she's your main character and the one we're rooting for.



#33 Ireth

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Posted 06 June 2014 - 11:04 PM

Thanks for your comments, SH Marr! I mentioned Fiachra first because he appears first in the novel (unless I wind up cutting that opening scene, which I'm not sure I want to do.) I'll see about coming up with a way to reword things so Ariel comes first in the synopsis. :)


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#34 Ireth

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Posted 26 December 2014 - 03:57 PM

New revision, finally! Let's see if this one's better.

 

ARIEL HAWK has believed in the Fae her whole life, thanks to one of them trying to kidnap her as an infant. Now sixteen, all she wants is to enjoy a safe, normal Halloween without having to worry about another such attempt. On their way home from a costume party, Ariel argues with her best friends, a pair of twin boys, over whether the Fae exist. Ariel insists that they do, while the twins mock her beliefs. The argument draws the attention of FIACHRA, a prince of Faerie, who has come to Earth in search of a bride; he names himself as proof that Ariel is right. Enticed by her beauty and intrigued by her belief in his kind, Fiachra claims Ariel as his bride and future queen.
 
Ariel and the twins fight Fiachra off and run to a nearby churchyard for safety. On the way, Ariel phones her dad, VINCENT HAWK, for help. Before Vincent can reach them, Fiachra overpowers the twins and abducts Ariel to Faerie, intending to marry her on Midwinter Night. Vincent and his brother DOM HAWK, intent on rescuing Ariel before that can happen, enter Faerie through a portal in Stonehenge.
 
Fiachra brings Ariel to meet his father, the king of the Winter Court, who approves of their engagement. Ariel attends a feast in honor of her and Fiachra's upcoming marriage, but refuses to eat the enchanted food with which Fiachra tempts her. When he tries to force-feed her the following morning, she jams her finger in his eye to defend herself and is whipped as punishment. Fiachra's sister MÉABH comes to Ariel's aid, to avenge his betrayal of Méabh and her lover in years past. Ariel asserts that Vincent and Dom have entered Faerie, as they too believe in Fae after fighting off Ariel's first would-be kidnapper. Méabh sets out to search for them, to bring them to Ariel's aid.
 
Ariel befriends two kindly Fae over the next few days, but gets impatient waiting for news from Méabh. She steals food and a knife, and tries to flee the castle against Méabh's advice. Fiachra catches her on the threshold and locks her in a dungeon, but she breaks out and escapes into the woods surrounding the castle. There she meets a malevolent Fae woman who says she saw Vincent elsewhere in Faerie not long ago, confirming Ariel's hope. The Fae attacks Ariel, who kills her in self-defense.
 
The king's guards recapture Ariel and return her to the castle, where Fiachra rushes her through wedding preparations even though Midwinter is still weeks away. Ariel realizes Fiachra is obsessed with becoming king, which drives him to want to marry her earlier than he first intended. She insists they can't marry because she's too young, and he doesn’t have her dad's permission. Driven mad with frustration, Fiachra tries to kill Ariel instead—he claims she's more trouble than she's worth, and he can usurp his father’s throne with or without her. Ariel fights back and puts out his eye in self-defense. Despite her pleas, the king rules it attempted regicide, and brushes off her attempts to explain Fiachra’s intentions. He orders her execution for the next morning, saying it's far less hassle than returning her to Earth. While in prison, Ariel loses hope of escaping or being saved.
 
That night, Ariel's Fae friends help her break out of her cell and flee into the woods, where they find Vincent, Dom and Méabh. The king and his guards track the group down and surround them, demanding Ariel's return. Rather than fight, Vincent tries to convince the king to let Ariel go, saying death is too harsh a punishment for Ariel's crime. Fiachra, who had followed in secret, stabs the king before he can respond. As a guard brings Fiachra down, Vincent, Dom, Ariel and Méabh rush to save the king from a potentially fatal wound.
 
In return for saving his life, the king lets the humans leave Faerie. Ariel says goodbye to Méabh and her Fae friends, and the humans return to Earth. Ariel reunites with the twins, and tries to readjust to a blessedly normal life.

There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#35 K. West

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Posted 26 December 2014 - 10:34 PM

 

New revision, finally! Let's see if this one's better.

 

ARIEL HAWK has believed in the Fae her whole life, thanks to one of them trying to kidnap her as an infant. Now sixteen, all she wants is to enjoy a safe, normal Halloween without having to worry about another such attempt. On their way home from a costume party, Ariel argues with her best friends, a pair of twin boys, over whether the Fae exist. Ariel insists that they do, while the twins mock her beliefs. The argument draws the attention of FIACHRA, a prince of Faerie, who has come to Earth in search of a bride; he names himself as proof that Ariel is right. Enticed by her beauty and intrigued by her belief in his kind, Fiachra claims Ariel as his bride and future queen.
 
Ariel and the twins fight Fiachra off and run to a nearby churchyard for safety. On the way, Ariel phones her dad, VINCENT HAWK, for help. Before Vincent can reach them, Fiachra overpowers the twins and abducts Ariel to Faerie, intending to marry her on Midwinter Night. Vincent and his brother DOM HAWK, intent on rescuing Ariel before that can happen, enter Faerie through a portal in Stonehenge.
 
I like this opening much better than the previous versions.
 
Fiachra brings Ariel to meet his father, the king of the Winter Court, who approves of their engagement. Ariel attends a feast in honor of her and Fiachra's their upcoming marriage, but refuses to eat the enchanted food with which Fiachra tempts her. When he tries to force-feed her the following morning, she jams her finger in his eye to defend herself and is whipped as punishment. Fiachra's sister MÉABH comes to Ariel's aid, to avenge his betrayal of Méabh her and her lover in years past . Ariel asserts confides? discloses? that Vincent and Dom have entered Faerie, as they too believe in Fae after fighting off Ariel's first would-be kidnapper. Méabh sets out to search for them, to bring them to Ariel's aid.
 
Ariel befriends two kindly Fae over the next few days, but gets impatient waiting for news from Méabh. She steals food and a knife, and tries to flee the castle against Méabh's advice. Fiachra catches her on the threshold and locks her in a dungeon, but she breaks out and escapes into the woods surrounding the castle. There she meets a malevolent Fae woman who says she saw Vincent elsewhere in Faerie not long ago, confirming Ariel's hope. The Fae attacks Ariel, who kills her in self-defense.
 
The king's guards recapture Ariel and return her to the castle, where Fiachra rushes her through wedding preparations even though Midwinter is still weeks away. Ariel realizes Fiachra is obsessed with becoming king, which drives him to want to marry her earlier than he first intended. This doesn't really seem connected to the first statement- I was thinking he was rushing because he's afraid she's going to escape... and then you say below that he can become king w/o her...? She insists they can't marry because she's too young, and he doesn’t have her dad's permission. Driven mad with frustration, Fiachra tries to kill Ariel instead—he claims she's more trouble than she's worth, and he can usurp his father’s throne with or without her. Ariel fights back and puts out his eye in self-defense. Despite her pleas, the king rules it attempted regicide, and brushes off her attempts to explain Fiachra’s intentions. He orders her execution for the next morning, saying it's far less hassle than returning her to Earth. While in prison, Ariel loses hope of escaping or being saved.
 
That night, Ariel's Fae friends help her break out of her cell and flee into the woods, where they find Vincent, Dom and Méabh. The king and his guards track the group down and surround them, demanding Ariel's return. Rather than fight, Vincent tries to convince the king to let Ariel go, saying death is too harsh a punishment for Ariel's crime. Fiachra, who had followed in secret, stabs the king before he can respond. As a guard brings Fiachra down, Vincent, Dom, Ariel and Méabh rush to save the king from a potentially fatal wound. MUCH better :) I was going to say 'stabilize' or something along those lines, but 'close the wound together' just sounded strange :P
 
In return for saving his life, the king lets the humans leave Faerie. Ariel says goodbye to Méabh and her Fae friends, and the humans return to Earth. Ariel reunites with the twins, and tries to readjust to a blessedly normal life.

 

This version is clear, concise, and much more interesting/less awkwardly worded than the first one I read, good job! :D

 

If you get a chance, would you mind taking a look at my synopsis (The Last Leviathan)? Any comments would be greatly appreciated! :)



#36 Ireth

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Posted 27 December 2014 - 02:38 PM

Bit soon for a revision, I realize, but I think I might just have this nailed down!

 

ARIEL HAWK has believed in the Fae her whole life, thanks to one of them trying to kidnap her as an infant. Now sixteen, all she wants is to enjoy a safe, normal Halloween without having to worry about another such attempt. On their way home from a costume party, Ariel argues with her best friends, a pair of twin boys, over whether the Fae exist. Ariel insists that they do, while the twins mock her beliefs. The argument draws the attention of FIACHRA, a prince of Faerie, who has come to Earth in search of a bride; he names himself as proof that Ariel is right. Enticed by her beauty and intrigued by her belief, Fiachra claims Ariel as his bride and future queen.

 

Ariel and the twins fend Fiachra off and run to a nearby churchyard. On the way, Ariel phones her dad, VINCENT HAWK, for help. Before Vincent can reach them, Fiachra overpowers the twins and abducts Ariel to Faerie, intending to marry her on Midwinter Night. Vincent and his brother DOMINIC “DOM” HAWK, determined to save Ariel before then, enter Faerie through a portal in Stonehenge.

 

Fiachra brings Ariel to his father, the king of the Winter Court, who approves their engagement. Ariel attends a feast in their honor, but refuses to eat the enchanted food with which Fiachra tempts her. When he tries to force-feed her the next day, she jams her finger in his eye to defend herself, and is whipped as punishment. Fiachra's sister MÉABH comes to Ariel's aid, to avenge his betrayal of her and her lover in years past. Ariel is adamant in her hope that Vincent and Dom have entered Faerie; they too believe in Fae after fighting off her first would-be kidnapper. Méabh sets out to search for them, to bring them to Ariel's aid.

 

Ariel befriends two kindly Fae over the next few days, but gets impatient waiting for news from Méabh. She steals food and a knife, and tries to flee the castle against Méabh's advice. Fiachra catches her and locks her in a dungeon, but she escapes into the wild woods of Faerie. There she meets a malevolent Fae who says she saw Vincent elsewhere in Faerie not long ago, confirming Ariel's hope. The Fae attacks Ariel, who kills her in self-defense.

 

The king's guards recapture Ariel and return her to the castle, where Fiachra rushes her through wedding preparations weeks before Midwinter. Ariel realizes Fiachra is obsessed with becoming king; that, and his growing frustration at Ariel’s repeated escape attempts, drives him to want to marry her immediately so she can’t escape him for good. Ariel insists they can't marry because she's too young, and he doesn’t have her dad's permission.

 

Driven over the edge with fury, Fiachra tries to kill Ariel instead—he claims she's more trouble than she's worth, and he can usurp his father’s throne with or without her. All he needs to do, he says, is kill the king after killing her. Ariel fights back and puts out his eye in self-defense. Despite her pleas, the king rules it attempted regicide, and ignores her attempts to warn him of Fiachra’s plans. He orders her execution for the next morning, saying it's far less hassle than returning her to Earth. While in prison, Ariel loses hope of escaping or being saved.

 

That night, Ariel's Fae friends help her break out of her cell and flee into the woods, where they find Vincent, Dom and Méabh. The king and his guards track them down and surround them, demanding Ariel's return. Rather than fight, Vincent tries to convince the king to let Ariel go, saying death is too harsh a punishment for Ariel's crime. Fiachra, who had followed in secret, stabs the king before he can respond. As a guard brings Fiachra down, the Hawks and Méabh rush to the king’s aid, and save him from a potentially fatal wound.

 

In return for saving his life, the king lets the Hawks leave Faerie. Ariel says goodbye to Méabh and her Fae friends, and the Hawks return to Earth. Ariel reunites with the twins, and tries to readjust to a blessedly normal life.


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#37 EliQuinn

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Posted 06 January 2015 - 06:38 PM

So I just went to the revision on post 10 and reviewed that before discovering this latest one >.>

 

All in all i found it to be a pretty solid synopsis and am impressed you trimmed it to barely over a page, well done! The story sounds much better in this latest revision and, while i was drawn to it from the first, I found myself to be even more attracted to the tale through this revision. 

 

Anyway, there's not much I found, mostly just in the last couple paragraphs. Hope it helps!

 

- EQ

 

 

ARIEL HAWK has believed in the Fae her whole life, thanks to one of them trying to kidnap her as an infant. Now sixteen, all she wants is to enjoy a safe, normal Halloween without having to worry about another such attempt. On their way home from a costume party, Ariel argues with her best friends, a pair of twin boys, over whether the Fae exist. Ariel insists that they do, while the twins mock her beliefs. The argument draws the attention of FIACHRA, a prince of Faerie, who has come to Earth in search of a bride; he names himself as proof that Ariel is right. Enticed by her beauty and intrigued by her belief, Fiachra claims Ariel as his bride and future queen.

 

Ariel and the twins fend Fiachra off and run to a nearby churchyard. On the way, Ariel phones her dad, VINCENT HAWK, for help. Before Vincent can reach them, Fiachra overpowers the twins and abducts Ariel to Faerie, intending to marry her on Midwinter Night. Vincent and his brother DOMINIC “DOM” HAWK, determined to save Ariel before then, enter Faerie through a portal in Stonehenge.

 

Fiachra brings Ariel to his father, the king of the Winter Court, who approves their engagement. Ariel attends a feast in their honor, but refuses to eat the enchanted food with which Fiachra tempts her. When he tries to force-feed her the next day, she jams her finger in his eye to defend herself, and is whipped as punishment. Fiachra's sister MÉABH comes to Ariel's aid, to avenge his betrayal of her and her lover in years past. Ariel is adamant in her hope that Vincent and Dom have entered Faerie; they too believe in Fae after fighting off her first would-be kidnapper. Méabh sets out to search for them, to bring them to Ariel's aid.

 

Ariel befriends two kindly Fae over the next few days, but gets impatient waiting for news from Méabh. She steals food and a knife, and tries to flee the castle against Méabh's advice. Fiachra catches her and locks her in a dungeon, but she escapes into the wild woods of Faerie. There she meets a malevolent Fae who says she saw Vincent elsewhere in Faerie not long ago, confirming Ariel's hope. The Fae attacks Ariel, who kills her in self-defense.

 

The king's guards recapture Ariel and return her to the castle, where Fiachra rushes her through wedding preparations weeks before Midwinter. Ariel realizes Fiachra is obsessed with becoming king; that, and his growing frustration at Ariel’s repeated escape attempts, drives him to want to marry her immediately so she can’t escape him for good. Ariel insists they can't marry because she's too young, and he doesn’t have her dad's permission.

 

Driven over the edge with fury, Fiachra tries to kill Ariel instead—he claims claiming she's more trouble than she's worth, and that he can usurp his father’s throne with or without her. All he needs to do, he says, is kill the king after killing her (this sentence strikes me as superfluous). Ariel fights back and puts out his eye in self-defense (finishing what she started – badass). Despite her pleas, the king rules it attempted regicide, and ignores her attempts to warn him of Fiachra’s plans. He orders her execution for the next morning, saying it's far less hassle than returning her to Earth (I couldn’t pick it exactly, but something about this wording throws me; if it comes to me, I’ll let you know). While in prison, Ariel loses hope of escaping or being saved.

 

That night, Ariel's Fae friends help her break out of her cell and flee into the woods, where they find Vincent, Dom and Méabh. The king and his guards track them down and surround them, demanding Ariel's return. Rather than fight, Vincent tries to convince the king to let Ariel go, saying death is too harsh a punishment for Ariel's crime. Fiachra, who had followed in secret, stabs the king before he can respond. As a guard brings Fiachra down, the Hawks and Méabh rush to the king’s aid, and save him from a potentially fatal wound.

 

In return for saving his life, the king lets the Hawks leave Faerie. Ariel says goodbye to Méabh and her Fae friends, and the Hawks return to Earth. Ariel reunites with the twins, and tries to readjust to a blessedly normal life.


If you have the time, I would love your opinion on my query and or synopsis:

 

Synopsis > http://agentquerycon...sy/#entry268693

 

Query > http://agentquerycon...ntasy/?p=267170


#38 ODearMoriah

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Posted 11 January 2015 - 05:50 PM

Below are my comments. I think it's a pretty strong synopsis and only needs some minor tweaking. If you get a chance, I'd appreciate some feedback on my synopsis for Therian. Thank you and good luck!!  :biggrin: 

 

ARIEL HAWK has believed in the Fae her whole life, thanks to one of them trying to kidnap her as an infant. Now sixteen, all she wants is to enjoy a safe, normal Halloween without having to worry about another such attempt. On their (her)way home from a costume party, Ariel argues with her best friends, a pair of twin boys (cut this because the fact that they are twins isn't really important to the synopsis. I think your synopsis will read just the same if you don't specify that her best friends happen to be twins. Another idea might be to say: "Ariel argues with her twin friends over..." Then you could keep "twins" throughout the rest of the synopsis.) over whether the Fae exist. Ariel insists that they do, while the twins (her friends) mock her beliefs. The argument draws the attention of FIACHRA, a prince of Faerie, who has come to Earth in search of a bride; he names himself as proof that Ariel is right. Enticed by her beauty and intrigued by her belief, Fiachra claims Ariel as his bride and future queen.

 

Ariel and the twins (her friends) fend Fiachra off and run to a nearby churchyard. On the way, Ariel phones her dad, VINCENT HAWK, for help. Before Vincent can reach them, Fiachra overpowers the twins (her friends) and abducts Ariel to Faerie, intending to marry her on Midwinter Night. Vincent and his brother(,) DOMINIC “DOM” HAWK, (are) determined to save Ariel before then, enter Faerie through a portal in Stonehenge.

 

Fiachra brings Ariel to his father, the king of the Winter Court, who approves their engagement. Ariel attends a feast in their honor, but refuses to eat the enchanted food with which Fiachra tempts her. When he tries to force-feed her the next day, she jams her finger in his eye to defend herself, and is whipped as punishment. Fiachra's sister MÉABH comes to Ariel's aid, to avenge his betrayal of her and her lover in years past ("to avenge his betrayal..." reads a bit awkwardly, and I had to reread the sentence. Maybe: "Fiachra's sister, MEABH comes to Ariel's aid as revenge for a past betrayal."). Ariel is adamant in her hope that Vincent and Dom have entered Faerie; they too believe in Fae after fighting off her first would-be kidnapper. (It seems late to find out that they believe in Fae since the brothers have already found a portal in Stonehenge. IF this is mentioned at all, I would place it sooner: "Vincent and his brother, DOM--who also believe in the Fae--are determined to save...")  Méabh sets out to search for them, to bring them to Ariel's aid.

 

Ariel befriends two kindly Fae over the next few days, but gets impatient waiting for news from Méabh. She steals food and a knife, and tries to flee the castle against Méabh's advice. Fiachra catches her and locks her in a dungeon, but she escapes into the wild woods of Faerie. There(,) she meets a malevolent Fae who says she saw Vincent elsewhere in Faerie not long ago, confirming Ariel's hope. The Fae attacks Ariel, who kills her in self-defense. (I read this as the Fae killed Ariel. The comma before who implies that "who..." refers to the subject. In this case, that means the Fae. Cut out the comma or tweak the sentence.)

 

The king's guards recapture Ariel and return her to the castle, where Fiachra rushes her through wedding preparations weeks before Midwinter. Ariel realizes Fiachra is obsessed with becoming king; that, and his growing frustration at Ariel’s repeated escape attempts, drives him to want to marry her immediately(expedite the wedding plans) so she can’t escape him for good. Ariel insists they can't marry because she's too young, and he doesn’t have her dad's permission.

 

Driven over the edge with fury, Fiachra tries to kill Ariel instead—he claims she's more trouble than she's worth, and he can usurp his father’s throne with or without her. All he needs to do, he says, is kill the king after killing her. Ariel fights back and puts out his eye in self-defense. Despite her pleas, the king rules it attempted regicide, and ignores her attempts to warn him of Fiachra’s plans. He orders her execution for the next morning, saying it's far less hassle than returning her to Earth. (Does he only order the execution because returning her is too much of a hassle? I think regicide would be enough for him to want to return her, and he would have her killed whether it was easier to return her or not. Maybe consider cutting "saying it's far less hassle....")While in prison, Ariel loses hope of escaping or being saved.

 

That night, Ariel's Fae friends help her break out of her cell and flee into the woods, where they find Vincent, Dom and Méabh. The king and his guards track them down and surround them, demanding Ariel's return.(Why want her back if he was only going to kill her because it was more convenient than taking her back to her world? Here she is ready to go back with her family. Wouldn't it be easier just to let her go and less of a hassle?) Rather than fight, Vincent tries to convince the king to let Ariel go, saying death is too harsh a punishment for Ariel's crime. Fiachra, who had followed in secret, stabs the king before he can respond. As a guard brings Fiachra down, the Hawks and Méabh rush to the king’s aid, and save him from a potentially fatal wound.

 

In return for saving his life, the king lets the Hawks leave Faerie. Ariel says goodbye to Méabh and her Fae friends, and the Hawks return to Earth. Ariel reunites with the twins,(her best friends) and tries to readjust to a blessedly normal life.


Creative fantasy, because it is mainly trying to do something else (make something new), may open your hoard and let all the locked things fly away like cage-birds.

-Tolkien

 

@ODearMoriah for Twitter stories.  A healthy dose of fiction.

Paracosms, Please for creative content under 140 words.


#39 Ireth

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Posted 11 January 2015 - 08:20 PM

Thanks, Moriah and Eli! Here's my latest revision, using both of your advice:

 

ARIEL HAWK has believed in the Fae her whole life, thanks to one of them trying and failing to kidnap her as an infant. Now sixteen, all she wants is to enjoy a safe, normal Halloween without having to worry about another such attempt. On her way home from a costume party, Ariel argues with her twin friends over whether the Fae exist. Ariel insists that they do, while the twins mock her beliefs. The argument draws the attention of FIACHRA, a prince of Faerie, who has come to Earth in search of a bride; he names himself as proof that Ariel is right. Enticed by her beauty and intrigued by her belief, Fiachra claims Ariel as his bride and future queen.
 
Ariel and the twins fend Fiachra off and run to a nearby churchyard. On the way, Ariel phones her dad, VINCENT HAWK, for help. Before Vincent can reach them, Fiachra overpowers the twins and abducts Ariel to Faerie, intending to marry her on Midwinter Night. Vincent and his brother DOMINIC “DOM” HAWK—who also believe in the Fae after driving off Ariel’s first would-be kidnapper—enter Faerie through a portal in Stonehenge, determined to find and rescue Ariel.
 
Fiachra brings Ariel to his father, the king of the Winter Court, who approves their engagement. Ariel attends a feast in their honor, but refuses to eat the enchanted food with which Fiachra tempts her. When he tries to force-feed her the next day, she jams her finger in his eye to defend herself, and is whipped as punishment. Fiachra's sister MÉABH comes to Ariel's aid as revenge for a past betrayal. Ariel is adamant in her hope that Vincent and Dom have entered Faerie. Méabh sets out to search for them, to bring them to Ariel's aid.
 
Ariel befriends two kindly Fae over the next few days, but gets impatient waiting for news from Méabh. She steals food and a knife, and tries to flee the castle against Méabh's advice. Fiachra catches her and locks her in a dungeon, but she escapes into the wild woods of Faerie. There, she meets a malevolent Fae who says she saw Vincent elsewhere in Faerie not long ago, confirming Ariel's hope. The Fae attacks Ariel, but Ariel kills her in self-defense.
 
The king's guards recapture Ariel and return her to the castle, where Fiachra rushes her through wedding preparations weeks before Midwinter. Ariel realizes Fiachra is obsessed with becoming king; that, and his growing frustration at Ariel’s repeated escape attempts, drives him to expedite the wedding plans so she can’t escape him for good. Ariel insists they can't marry because she's too young, and he doesn’t have her dad's permission.
 
Driven over the edge with fury, Fiachra tries to kill Ariel instead—he claims she's more trouble than she's worth, and he can usurp his father’s throne with or without her. Ariel fights back and puts out his eye in self-defense. The king rules it attempted regicide, and ignores her attempts to warn him of Fiachra’s plans. Though Ariel begs the king to simply return her to Earth, he orders her execution for the next morning, saying it's easier. While in prison, Ariel loses hope of escaping or being saved.
 
That night, Ariel's Fae friends help her break out of her cell and flee into the woods, where they find Vincent, Dom and Méabh. The king and his guards track them down and surround them, demanding Ariel's return. Rather than fight, Vincent tries to convince the king to let Ariel go, saying death is too harsh a punishment for her crime. Fiachra, who had followed in secret, stabs the king before he can respond. As a guard brings Fiachra down, the Hawks and Méabh rush to the king’s aid, and save him from a potentially fatal wound.
 
In return for saving his life, the king lets the Hawks leave Faerie. Ariel says goodbye to Méabh and her Fae friends, and the Hawks return to Earth. Ariel reunites with the twins, and tries to readjust to a blessedly normal life.

There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#40 ODearMoriah

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Posted 11 January 2015 - 09:56 PM

I think the sentence about the past betrayal is a lot cleaner than before. However, these three sentences together don't flow very well. I think maybe the structures are too similar or something. Also "to Ariel's aid" is used twice in short succession.

 

Fiachra's sister MÉABH comes to Ariel's aid as revenge for a past betrayal. Ariel is adamant in her hope that Vincent and Dom have entered Faerie. Méabh sets out to search for them, to bring them to Ariel's aid.

 

Maybe consider something like:

 

"Fiachra's sister MEABH comes to Ariel's aid as revenge for a past betrayal, and because of Ariel's hope that Vin and Dom have entered Faerie, Meabh agrees to search for them." Or: "...past betrayal. Because of Ariel's....."


Creative fantasy, because it is mainly trying to do something else (make something new), may open your hoard and let all the locked things fly away like cage-birds.

-Tolkien

 

@ODearMoriah for Twitter stories.  A healthy dose of fiction.

Paracosms, Please for creative content under 140 words.





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