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Winter's Queen (YA fantasy)


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#41 Ireth

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Posted 11 January 2015 - 10:05 PM

Okay, how does this sound? "Fiachra's sister MÉABH promises to aid Ariel as revenge against Fiachra for a past betrayal. Because Ariel is adamant in her hope that Vincent and Dom have entered Faerie, Méabh sets out in search of them for Ariel’s sake."


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#42 ODearMoriah

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Posted 11 January 2015 - 10:55 PM

Yeah, I think that reads very nicely.  :smile:


Creative fantasy, because it is mainly trying to do something else (make something new), may open your hoard and let all the locked things fly away like cage-birds.

-Tolkien

 

@ODearMoriah for Twitter stories.  A healthy dose of fiction.

Paracosms, Please for creative content under 140 words.


#43 Ireth

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Posted 16 January 2015 - 05:42 PM

Slightly longer and more detailed query synopsis, clocking in at 750 words. One particular agent I want to query requests a 1 to 2-page synopsis, so this is pretty on-target.

 

ARIEL HAWK has believed in the Fae all her life, thanks to one trying unsuccessfully to abduct her as an infant. Now sixteen, all she wants is to enjoy a safe, normal Halloween without having to worry about another such attempt. On her way home from a costume party, Ariel argues with her twin best friends; she insists the Fae exist, but the twins mock her beliefs. The argument draws the attention of FIACHRA, a prince of Faerie, who has come to Earth in search of a bride; he names himself as proof that Ariel is right. Enticed by her beauty and intrigued by her belief, he claims Ariel as his bride and queen-to-be.
 
Ariel and the twins fend Fiachra off and run to a nearby churchyard. On the way, Ariel phones her dad, VINCENT HAWK, for help. Before Vincent can reach them, Fiachra overpowers the twins and abducts Ariel to Faerie, intending to marry her on Midwinter Night. Vincent and his brother DOMINIC “DOM” HAWK—who came to believe in the Fae after driving off Ariel’s first would-be kidnapper—enter Faerie through a portal in Stonehenge to find and rescue Ariel.
 
Fiachra brings Ariel to his father, the king of the Winter Court, who approves their engagement. At a feast in their honor, Ariel refuses to eat the enchanted food with which Fiachra tempts her. When he tries to force-feed her the next day, she jams her finger in his eye to defend herself, and he has her whipped as punishment. Fiachra's sister MÉABH promises to aid Ariel as revenge against Fiachra for a past betrayal. Because Ariel is adamant in her hope that Vincent and Dom have entered Faerie, Méabh sets out in search of them for Ariel’s sake.
 
Ariel befriends two kindly Fae—a guard and a servant—over the next few days, but gets impatient waiting for news from Méabh. She tries to flee the castle against Méabh's advice, but Fiachra catches her and locks her in a dungeon. The kindly guard urges her to cooperate with Fiachra and be freed; Ariel ignores him and works hard to escape. She flees into the woods, where a malevolent Fae affirms having met Vincent elsewhere in Faerie recently. This confirms Ariel's hopes of rescue. The Fae attacks Ariel, but Ariel kills her in self-defense.
 
The king's guards recapture Ariel and return her to the castle, where Fiachra rushes her through wedding preparations weeks before Midwinter. Ariel realizes Fiachra is obsessed with becoming king; that, and his growing frustration at Ariel’s repeated escape attempts, drives him to expedite the wedding plans so she can’t escape him for good. Ariel insists they can't marry because she's too young, and he doesn’t have her dad's permission.
 
Driven over the edge with fury, Fiachra tries to kill Ariel instead—he claims she's more trouble than she's worth, and he can usurp his father’s throne with or without her. Ariel fights back and stabs out his eye in self-defense. The king rules it attempted regicide, and ignores her attempts to warn him of Fiachra’s plans. Though Ariel begs the king to just return her to Earth, he orders her execution for the next morning. While in prison, Ariel loses hope of escape or rescue, despite her servant friend’s attempts to soothe her.
 
That night, Ariel's Fae friends help her break out of her cell and flee into the woods. The kindly guard reveals that he is the one who tried to abduct Ariel as an infant—and he utterly regrets it. Before Ariel can work through her shock, they find Vincent, Dom and Méabh. The king and his guards track them down and surround them, demanding Ariel's return. Rather than fight, Vincent tries to convince the king to let Ariel live. Fiachra, who had followed in secret, stabs the king before he can reply. As a guard brings Fiachra down, the Hawks and Méabh rush to save the king from a potentially fatal wound.
 
In return for saving his life, the king lets the Hawks leave Faerie, and reserves judgment of Ariel’s friends. But first the Hawks speak with the kindly guard about his motives for trying to abduct the infant Ariel; he admits he was mentally unstable and knows he did wrong. This earns him their understanding, paving the way for forgiveness. At last Ariel says goodbye to Méabh and her Fae friends, and the Hawks return to Earth. Ariel reunites with the twins, ready to readjust to a blessedly normal life.

There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#44 maybo

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Posted 19 January 2015 - 09:00 PM

Hi Ireth, I agree with phenomenonsense, FIACHRA character seems a bit thin.  Since Fiachra is the antagonist in this story, we would need to know more about his goals and flaws.



#45 Gibber

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Posted 19 January 2015 - 09:57 PM

 

Slightly longer and more detailed query, clocking in at 750 words. One particular agent I want to query requests a 1 to 2-page synopsis, so this is pretty on-target.

 

ARIEL HAWK has believed in the Fae all her life, thanks to one trying unsuccessfully to abduct her as an infant. (If she was an infant, how does she remember this?) Now sixteen, all she wants is to enjoy a safe, normal Halloween without having to worry about another such attempt. (Is she normally almost kidnapped on Halloween? This kind of makes it sounds like a regular occurrence.) On her way home from a costume party, Ariel argues with her twin best friends; she insists the Fae exist, but the twins mock her beliefs. The argument draws the attention of FIACHRA, a prince of Faerie, who has come to Earth in search of a bride; he names himself as proof that Ariel is right. Enticed by her beauty and intrigued by her belief, he claims Ariel as his bride and queen-to-be. (I like this. I imagine the fae to be flighty as all hell, and that seems to fit.)
 
Ariel and the twins fend Fiachra off and run to a nearby churchyard. On the way, Ariel phones her dad, VINCENT HAWK, for help. Before Vincent can reach them, Fiachra overpowers the twins and abducts Ariel to Faerie, intending to marry her on Midwinter Night. Vincent and his brother DOMINIC “DOM” HAWK—who came to believe in the Fae after driving off Ariel’s first would-be kidnapper— (I know synopsis--synopsii?--are supposed to be short, but this is kind aof a firehose of information right here.)enter Faerie through a portal in Stonehenge to find and rescue Ariel.
 
Fiachra brings Ariel to his father, the king of the Winter Court, who approves their engagement. (Why?) At a feast in their honor, Ariel refuses to eat the enchanted food with which Fiachra tempts her. When he tries to force-feed her the next day, she jams her finger in his eye to defend herself, and he has her whipped as punishment. Fiachra's sister MÉABH promises to aid Ariel as revenge against Fiachra for a past betrayal (I kind of want details on this). Because Ariel is adamant (Why?) in her hope that Vincent and Dom have entered Faerie, Méabh sets out in search of them for Ariel’s sake.
 
Ariel befriends two kindly Fae—a guard and a servant—over the next few days (Is this part really important to the story?), but gets impatient waiting for news from Méabh. She tries to flee the castle (What castle?) against Méabh's advice, but Fiachra catches her and locks her in a dungeon. The kindly guard urges her to cooperate with Fiachra and be freed; Ariel ignores him and works hard to escape (Too vague). She flees into the woods, where a malevolent Fae affirms having met Vincent elsewhere in Faerie recently. (That's, that's a lot of character in this. I was under the impression that you focus on three, maybe four characters.) This confirms Ariel's hopes of rescue. The Fae attacks Ariel, but Ariel kills her in self-defense. (Wait, why is she telling her stuff and then trying to kill her? I am confused.)
 
The king's guards recapture Ariel and return her to the castle (That escape seemed a little pointless.), where Fiachra rushes her through wedding preparations weeks before Midwinter. Ariel realizes Fiachra is obsessed with becoming king; that, and his growing frustration at Ariel’s repeated escape attempts, drives him to expedite the wedding plans so she can’t escape him for good (This sentence sounds awkward.). Ariel insists they can't marry because she's too young, and he doesn’t have her dad's permission. (Is this her being crafty? If it is, I would try to make that more clear.)
 
Driven over the edge with fury, Fiachra tries to kill Ariel instead (What? Why?)—he claims she's more trouble than she's worth, and he can usurp his father’s throne with or without her (Then what was the whole point of the marriage plotline?). Ariel fights back and stabs out his eye in self-defense (She seems to hit in the eye a lot.). The king rules it attempted regicide, and ignores her attempts to warn him of Fiachra’s plans (Why? Why would she warn him?). Though Ariel begs the king to just return her to Earth, he orders her execution for the next morning. While in prison, Ariel loses hope of escape or rescue, despite her servant friend’s attempts to soothe her. (I'm really not sure the underlings need to be in teh synopsis.))
 
That night, Ariel's Fae friends help her break out of her cell and flee into the woods. The kindly guard reveals that he is the one who tried to abduct Ariel as an infant (What? Why?)—and he utterly regrets it (Why?). Before Ariel can work through her shock, they find Vincent, Dom and Méabh. The king and his guards track them down and surround them, demanding Ariel's return. Rather than fight, Vincent tries to convince the king to let Ariel live. Fiachra, who had followed in secret, stabs the king before he can reply. As a guard brings Fiachra down, the Hawks and Méabh rush to save the king from a potentially fatal wound. (Hold up, this guy is trying to take the throne, but then is dumb enough to shank the monarch in front of a gaggle of guards?)
 
In return for saving his life, the king lets the Hawks leave Faerie, and reserves judgment of Ariel’s friends (Huh? Why are tehy in trouble? Are these the fae underlings or the human friends? Is confused again.). But first the Hawks speak with the kindly guard about his motives for trying to abduct the infant Ariel; he admits he was mentally unstable and knows he did wrong (This doesn't seem important.). This earns him their understanding, paving the way for forgiveness. At last Ariel says goodbye to Méabh and her Fae friends, and the Hawks return to Earth. Ariel reunites with the twins, ready to readjust to a blessedly normal life.

 

I think that maybe you need to tighten the focus on this? Give more sense of the character and less on the (enormous) cast. Taken with a handful of salt, however, as I've only written like, two synopsii. I'm actually digging Fiachra in this story more than any of the others. He seems more fun and like he's got the most agency in this. Like, he should be the (possibly anti-hero) protagonist with Ariel as an unwitting accomplice and later ally.



#46 Ireth

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Posted 19 January 2015 - 10:10 PM

I think that maybe you need to tighten the focus on this? Give more sense of the character and less on the (enormous) cast. Taken with a handful of salt, however, as I've only written like, two synopsii. I'm actually digging Fiachra in this story more than any of the others. He seems more fun and like he's got the most agency in this. Like, he should be the (possibly anti-hero) protagonist with Ariel as an unwitting accomplice and later ally.

 

I have to respectfully disagree with you. Fiachra is and always will be a villain. Ariel is not and never will be his ally. Unwitting pawn, yes; on his side by choice, nope. That's the whole point of the story. It's a completely dysfunctional relationship based entirely around greed (on his end) and fear/hatred (on her end). There's no changing that.


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#47 Gibber

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Posted 19 January 2015 - 10:15 PM

I have to respectfully disagree with you. Fiachra is and always will be a villain. Ariel is not and never will be his ally. Unwitting pawn, yes; on his side by choice, nope. That's the whole point of the story. It's a completely dysfunctional relationship based entirely around greed (on his end) and fear/hatred (on her end). There's no changing that.

 

Okay. That's cool, too. (Though it would make a really funny fanfiction. Like, written as actual humor.) But I'd like to see Ariel's characterization in this. To me, it read that she was just reacting to things (and stabbing Fiachra in the eye a lot). Is there a way to show more of her personality? Her agency?



#48 Ireth

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Posted 26 January 2015 - 04:30 PM

Synopses are evil and horrible. I have no idea if I'm getting better or worse at this. Have at it.

 

ARIEL HAWK has believed in the Fae all her life, thanks to one trying unsuccessfully to abduct her as an infant. Now sixteen, all she wants is to enjoy her normal life without having to worry about a second incident. On her way home from a Halloween party in her home city of Leeds, UK, Ariel argues with her twin best friends; she insists the Fae exist, but the twins mock her. They draw the attention of FIACHRA, a prince of Faerie, who has come to Earth to find a bride. Enticed by her beauty and intrigued by her belief, he claims Ariel as his queen-to-be.
 
Ariel fends Fiachra off with iron, and she and the twins run to a nearby churchyard. On the way, she phones her dad, VINCENT HAWK, for help. Before Vincent can get there, Fiachra overpowers the twins and kidnaps Ariel to his father’s castle in Faerie. Vincent and his brother DOMINIC “DOM” HAWK—who also believe in the Fae after defeating Ariel’s first would-be abductor—enter Faerie via a portal in Stonehenge to find Ariel and rescue her.
 
Fiachra brings Ariel to his father, the king of the Winter Court, who approves their engagement. At a feast in their honor, Ariel wisely refuses to eat the enchanted food with which Fiachra tempts her. When he tries to force-feed her the next day, she jams her finger in his eye to defend herself, and he has her whipped as punishment. Fiachra's sister MÉABH promises to aid Ariel as revenge against Fiachra for betraying her and her ex-lover. Due to Ariel’s adamant hope that Vincent and Dom have entered Faerie, Méabh sets out in search of them.
 
Ariel befriends other kindly Fae, including Méabh’s ex-lover, over the next few days, but gets impatient waiting for news from Méabh. When she tries to flee the castle against Méabh's advice, Fiachra catches her and locks her in a dungeon. Méabh’s ex-lover urges Ariel to cooperate with Fiachra, but Ariel stubbornly ignores him. She flees into the woods, determined to find her own way home. A Fae she meets affirms having met Vincent elsewhere in Faerie, confirming Ariel's hope. The Fae attacks Ariel out of hunger, but Ariel kills her in self-defense.
 
The king's guards recapture Ariel the next morning and return her to the castle, where Fiachra rushes her through wedding preparations. Ariel realizes Fiachra is obsessed with being king; that, and his growing frustration at her repeated escape attempts, drives him to speed the wedding so she can’t escape for good. Ariel insists they can't marry because she's too young by modern UK law (which is false), and he doesn’t have her dad's permission (which is true).
 
Driven insane with fury, Fiachra tries to kill Ariel instead—he claims she's more trouble than she's worth, and he can usurp his father’s throne with or without her. Ariel fights back and stabs out his eye in self-defense. The king rules it attempted regicide, and ignores her attempts to warn him of Fiachra’s plans. Though Ariel begs the king to return her to Earth, he orders her execution for the next day. While in prison, Ariel loses hope of escape or rescue.
 
That night, Méabh’s ex-lover helps Ariel break out of her cell and flee into the woods. He reveals with regret that he is the one who tried to abduct Ariel as an infant; freeing her now is his attempt at penance. Before Ariel can work through her shock, they come upon Vincent, Dom and Méabh. The king and his guards track them down and demand Ariel's return. Rather than fight, Vincent tries to convince the king to let Ariel live. Fiachra, who had followed invisibly, stabs the king before he can reply. As Fiachra is brought down, the Hawks and Méabh rush to save the king from a potentially fatal wound.
 
In return for saving his life, the king lets the Hawks leave Faerie, and reserves judgment of Ariel’s Fae allies. First the Hawks speak with Méabh’s ex-lover about his motives for trying to abduct Ariel. He reveals his lifelong desire for a child, and the chain of circumstances that drove him to target Ariel, from his illicit trysts with Méabh to hearing Vincent sing to his dying wife. This earns him their understanding, paving the way for forgiveness. At last the Hawks return to Earth, and Ariel reunites with the twins, ready to readjust to a blessedly normal life.

There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#49 EliQuinn

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Posted 27 January 2015 - 07:39 AM

Looks very solid Ireth. Fantastic work, be sure to let us know if it scores you a partial or full request! Best of luck with it.

 

- EQ


If you have the time, I would love your opinion on my query and or synopsis:

 

Synopsis > http://agentquerycon...sy/#entry268693

 

Query > http://agentquerycon...ntasy/?p=267170


#50 Dawn Marie

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Posted 10 February 2015 - 06:55 AM

I'm attempting my very first synopsis and you are spot on with your observation, they are evil and horrible.  It's been great for me to see how yours has been developing.  I'm new (so very much learning this art of synopsis thing) but in my opinion I'd say that you are near enough there with this one.  Great concept.


I'm a work in progress


#51 Judy Mohr

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Posted 18 February 2015 - 08:19 PM

 

Synopses are evil and horrible. I have no idea if I'm getting better or worse at this. Have at it.{I'm returning the favour of all the help you've provided me. Hopefully I'll be able to provide some useful feedback.}

 

ARIEL HAWK has believed in the Fae all her life, thanks to one trying unsuccessfully to abduct {To me, this doesn't quite read right. I stumbled over the words in my first reading.}her as an infant. Now sixteen, all she wants is to enjoy her normal life without having to worry about a second incident. On her way home from a Halloween party in her home the {repeated use of "home" within close proximity} city of Leeds, UK, Ariel argues with her twin best friends; she insists the Fae exist, but the twins mock her. They draw the attention of FIACHRA, a prince of Faerie, who has come to Earth to find a bride. Enticed by her Ariel's beauty and intrigued by her belief, he claims Ariel her as his queen-to-be.
 
Ariel fends Fiachra off with iron {I don't understand this. Why is the mention of "iron" so important?}, and she and the twins run to a nearby churchyard. On the way, she phones her dad, VINCENT HAWK, for help. Before Vincent can get there, Fiachra overpowers the twins and kidnaps Ariel, taking her to his father’s castle in Faerie. Vincent and his brother DOMINIC “DOM” HAWK—who also believe in the Fae after defeating Ariel’s first would-be abductor—enter Faerie via a portal in Stonehenge to find Ariel and rescue her.
 
Fiachra brings Ariel to his father {In a way, this is a repeat of what you said above.}, the king of the Winter Court, who approves their engagement. At a feast in their honor, Ariel wisely refuses to eat the enchanted food with which Fiachra tempts her {I'm guessing the food is poisoned or enchanted in some way. But I wouldn't mention that here.}. When he tries to force-feed her the next day, she jams her finger in his eye to defend herself, and he has her whipped as punishment.{Nice guy. :humph: } Fiachra's sister MÉABH promises to aid Ariel as revenge against Fiachra for betraying her and her ex-lover {Okay, I'm a little lost here. What does Meabh's ex-relationship have to do with Fiachra?}. Due to Ariel’s adamant hope that Vincent and Dom have entered Faerie, Méabh sets out in search of them.
 
Ariel befriends other kindly Fae, including Méabh’s ex-lover, over the next few days, but gets impatient waiting for news from Méabh. When she tries to flee the castle against Méabh's advice, Fiachra catches her and locks her in a dungeon. Méabh’s ex-lover {I'm feeling that this character needs to be named.} urges Ariel to cooperate with Fiachra, but Ariel stubbornly ignores him. She flees into the woods, determined to find her own way home. A Fae she meets affirms having met Vincent elsewhere in Faerie, confirming Ariel's hope. The Fae attacks Ariel out of hunger, but Ariel kills her in self-defense.
 
The king's guards recapture Ariel the next morning and return her to the castle, where Fiachra rushes her through wedding preparations. Ariel realizes Fiachra is obsessed with being king; that, and his growing frustration at her repeated escape attempts, drives him to speed the wedding so she can’t escape for good. {This sentence seems wordy. Yes, there is a break with the use of the semi-colon, but I don't think that's enough.} Ariel insists they can't marry because she's too young by modern UK law {This may seem like a weird question, but if this story is set originally in the UK, why are you using US English?} (which is false), and he doesn’t have her dad's permission (which is true).
 
Driven insane with fury, Fiachra tries to kill Ariel instead—he claims she's more trouble than she's worth, and he can usurp his father’s throne with or without her. Ariel fights back and stabs out his eye in self-defense. The king rules it attempted regicide, and ignores her attempts to warn him of Fiachra’s plans. Though Ariel begs the king to return her to Earth, he orders her execution for the next day. While in prison, Ariel loses hope of escape or rescue.
 
That night, Méabh’s ex-lover {Definitely give this character a name.} helps Ariel break out of her cell and flee into the woods. He reveals with regret that he is the one who tried to abduct Ariel as an infant; freeing her now is his attempt at penance. Before Ariel can work through her shock, they come upon Vincent, Dom and Méabh. The king and his guards track them down and demand Ariel's return. Rather than fight, Vincent tries to convince the king to let Ariel live. Fiachra, who had followed invisibly, stabs the king before he can reply. As Fiachra is brought down, the Hawks and Méabh rush to save the king from a potentially fatal wound.
 
In return for saving his life, the king lets the Hawks leave Faerie, and reserves judgment of Ariel’s Fae allies. First the Hawks speak with Méabh’s ex-lover about his motives for trying to abduct Ariel. He reveals his lifelong desire for a child, and the chain of circumstances that drove him to target Ariel, from his illicit trysts with Méabh to hearing Vincent sing to his dying wife. This earns him their understanding, paving the way for forgiveness. At last the Hawks return to Earth, and Ariel reunites with the twins, ready to readjust to a blessedly normal life.

 

My general feeling is that this is a story worth reading. There are some minor things that I believe could be changed to improve the readability, other than that... Hope the feedback helps.



#52 Ireth

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Posted 21 February 2015 - 07:41 PM

Thanks for your feedback, Judy! I'm currently working on a revision which I hope incorporates most of your advice. One thing I'm not sure about is my use of US vs. UK English; aside from a number of differing phrases and terms, and the spelling of certain words, aren't the languages pretty much the same? The language on my Word processor is set to Canadian English, which I thought was basically the same as UK English as far as spelling goes, but I've always preferred the look of US English (all those extraneous u's in Canadian spelling irritate me). I guess my spellchecker wasn't marking them as wrong.

 

I'm using non-UK English mainly because I'm not looking for publication in the UK. Is that going to be a problem?


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#53 Ireth

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Posted 24 February 2015 - 11:09 AM

Newest attempt, 726 words:

 

ARIEL HAWK has believed in the Fae all her life, thanks to one trying unsuccessfully to abduct her as an infant. Now sixteen, all she wants is to enjoy her normal life without having to worry about a second incident. As she leaves a Halloween party in her home city of Leeds, UK, Ariel argues with her twin best friends; she insists the Fae exist, but the twins mock her. The argument draws the attention of FIACHRA, a prince of Faerie, who has come to Earth to find a bride. Enticed by Ariel’s beauty and intrigued by her belief, he claims her as his queen-to-be.

 

Ariel fends Fiachra off with iron, and she and the twins run to a nearby churchyard. On the way, she phones her widowed dad, VINCENT HAWK, for help. Before Vincent can get to her, Fiachra overpowers the twins and kidnaps Ariel to his father’s castle in Faerie. Vincent and his brother DOMINIC “DOM” HAWK—who also believe in the Fae after defeating Ariel’s first would-be abductor—enter Faerie via a portal in Stonehenge to find and rescue Ariel.

 

Ariel meets Fiachra’s father, the king of the Winter Court, who blesses their engagement. At a feast in their honour, Ariel refuses to eat the enchanted food with which Fiachra tempts her. When he tries to force-feed her the next day, she jams her finger in his eye to defend herself, and he has her whipped as punishment. Fiachra's sister MÉABH vows to aid Ariel as revenge against Fiachra for betraying her and her ex-lover LÓEGAIRE in the past. Because of Ariel’s adamant hope that Vincent and Dom have entered Faerie, Méabh sets out in search of them.

 

Ariel befriends other kindly Fae, including Lóegaire, but gets impatient waiting for news from Méabh. When she tries to leave the castle against Méabh's advice, Fiachra catches her and locks her in a dungeon. Lóegaire urges Ariel to cooperate with Fiachra, but she ignores him and escapes into the woods, determined to find her own way home. A malevolent Fae speaks of meeting Vincent elsewhere in Faerie, validating Ariel's hope. The Fae attacks Ariel in hunger; Ariel kills her in self-defence.

 

The king's guards recapture Ariel the next morning and return her to the castle, where Fiachra rushes her through wedding preparations. Ariel realizes Fiachra is obsessed with being king—this, and his growing frustration at her escape attempts, drives him to speed the wedding so she can’t escape for good. Ariel insists they can't marry because she's too young by modern UK law (which is false), and he doesn’t have her dad's permission (which is true).

 

Driven insane with fury, Fiachra tries to kill Ariel instead—he claims she's more trouble than she's worth, and he can usurp the throne without her. Ariel fights back and stabs out his eye in self-defence. The king rules it attempted regicide, and ignores her attempts to warn him of Fiachra’s plot. Though Ariel begs the king to return her to Earth, he orders her execution for the next day. While imprisoned, Ariel loses hope of escape or rescue.

 

That night, Lóegaire helps Ariel escape into the woods. He reveals with regret that he is her first would-be abductor, and thus the reason her family believes in Fae. Saving Ariel now is Lóegaire’s attempt at penance. Ariel is horrified that Lóegaire’s choice was an unintended catalyst for Fiachra’s. Once Lóegaire finds Vincent, Dom and Méabh, the king and his guards track them down and demand Ariel’s return. Rather than fight, Vincent beseeches the king to let Ariel live. Fiachra, who had followed the king invisibly, stabs him before he can reply. As a guard kills Fiachra, the Hawks and Méabh rush to save the king from a potentially fatal wound.

 

In return for saving his life, the king lets the Hawks leave Faerie, and reserves judgment of Lóegaire and Méabh. But first the Hawks ask Lóegaire about his motives for trying to abduct Ariel. He reveals his lifelong desire to have a child, and the circumstances that led him to target Ariel, from his illicit trysts with Méabh to hearing Vincent sing to his dying wife. This earns Lóegaire the Hawks’ understanding, paving the way for forgiveness. At last the Hawks return to Leeds, and Ariel reunites with the twins, ready to readjust to a blessedly normal life.


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#54 rockondon

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Posted 04 March 2015 - 01:20 PM

Newest attempt, 726 words:

 

ARIEL HAWK has believed in the Fae all her life, thanks to one trying unsuccessfully to abduct her as an infant. Now sixteen, all she wants is to enjoy her normal life without having to worry about a second incident. As she leaves a Halloween party in her home city of Leeds, UK, Ariel argues with her twin best friends; she insists the Fae exist, but the twins mock her. The argument draws the attention of FIACHRA, a prince of Faerie, who has come to Earth to find a bride. Enticed by Ariel’s beauty and intrigued by her belief, he claims her as his queen-to-be. (well said. It's so nice to critique something that has been proofread already. Most of the synopses on here make me cringe)

 

Ariel fends Fiachra off with iron, and she and the twins run to a nearby churchyard. On the way, she phones her widowed dad, VINCENT HAWK, for help. Before Vincent can get to her, Fiachra overpowers the twins and kidnaps Ariel to his father’s castle in Faerie. Vincent and his brother DOMINIC “DOM” HAWK—who also believe in the Fae after defeating Ariel’s first would-be abductor—enter Faerie via a portal in Stonehenge to find and rescue Ariel. (I've been to stonehenge and I never went to Faerie, so you'll have to explain why he went there and why it worked. Mentioning something like he followed Fiachra through a portal in stonehenge would suffice)

 

Ariel meets Fiachra’s father, the king of the Winter Court, who blesses their engagement. At a feast in their honour (that's canadian spelling - just saying), Ariel refuses to eat the enchanted food with which Fiachra tempts her. When he tries to force-feed her the next day, she jams her finger in his eye to defend herself, and he has her whipped as punishment. Fiachra's sister MÉABH vows to aid Ariel as revenge against Fiachra for betraying her and her ex-lover LÓEGAIRE in the past. Because of Ariel’s adamant hope that Vincent and Dom have entered Faerie, Méabh sets out in search of them.

 

Ariel befriends other kindly Fae, including Lóegaire, but gets impatient waiting for news from Méabh. When she tries to leave the castle against Méabh's advice, Fiachra catches her and locks her in a dungeon. Lóegaire urges Ariel to cooperate with Fiachra, but she ignores him and escapes into the woods, determined to find her own way home. A malevolent Fae speaks of meeting Vincent elsewhere in Faerie, validating Ariel's hope. The Fae attacks Ariel in hunger; Ariel kills her in self-defence. (there's a lot of people mentioned in this paragraph and I'm finding it a little hard to follow. It's well-written though)

 

The king's guards recapture Ariel the next morning and return her to the castle, where Fiachra rushes her through wedding preparations. Ariel realizes Fiachra is obsessed with being king—this, and his growing frustration at her escape attempts, drives him to speed the wedding so she can’t escape for good. Ariel insists they can't marry because she's too young by modern UK law (which is false), and he doesn’t have her dad's permission (which is true).

 

Driven insane with fury, Fiachra tries to kill Ariel instead—he claims she's more trouble than she's worth, and he can usurp the throne without her. Ariel fights back and stabs out his eye in self-defence. The king rules it attempted regicide, and ignores her attempts to warn him of Fiachra’s plot. Though Ariel begs the king to return her to Earth, he orders her execution for the next day. While imprisoned, Ariel loses hope of escape or rescue.

 

That night, Lóegaire helps Ariel escape into the woods. He reveals with regret that he is her first would-be abductor, and thus the reason her family believes in Fae. Saving Ariel now is Lóegaire’s attempt at penance. Ariel is horrified that Lóegaire’s choice was an unintended catalyst for Fiachra’s. Once Lóegaire finds Vincent, Dom and Méabh, the king and his guards track them down and demand Ariel’s return. Rather than fight, Vincent beseeches the king to let Ariel live. Fiachra, who had followed the king invisibly, stabs him before he can reply. As a guard kills Fiachra, the Hawks and Méabh rush to save the king from a potentially fatal wound.

 

In return for saving his life, the king lets the Hawks leave Faerie, and reserves judgment of Lóegaire and Méabh. But first the Hawks ask Lóegaire about his motives for trying to abduct Ariel. He reveals his lifelong desire to have a child, and the circumstances that led him to target Ariel, from his illicit trysts with Méabh to hearing Vincent sing to his dying wife. This earns Lóegaire the Hawks’ understanding, paving the way for forgiveness. At last the Hawks return to Leeds, and Ariel reunites with the twins, ready to readjust to a blessedly normal life.

 

There's two things about your story that I find troubling:

1) The antagonist is killed by some random guard that is otherwise meaningless to the story. Is there no way for your hero to be the hero that defeats the villain?

2) The antagonist desperately wants to marry Ariel for...basically no reason whatsoever. If I read the manuscript, this fact would annoy me chapter after chapter. And it is confirmed true when Fiachra randomly decides to kill her when she gets too annoying. I may not like the antagonist of a story, but I would like to respect him. And it's hard to respect someone that is motivated by...nothing, really. Perhaps there is some ancient custom or king's decree that forces Fiachra to marry a 'lowly' human - that would show his distaste for a 'lower' species and it's fun reading to see him overcome his repulsion by doing something he hates in order to attain the throne. 

....just my 2 cents :)



#55 Ireth

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Posted 04 March 2015 - 02:52 PM

Thanks, rockondon! To answer some of your concerns:

 

I've been to stonehenge and I never went to Faerie, so you'll have to explain why he went there and why it worked. Mentioning something like he followed Fiachra through a portal in stonehenge would suffice

Fiachra doesn't use the Stonehenge portal, so I can't say Vincent followed him through it. I'm not sure I can explain the reasoning behind that without using a lot of words.

 

that's canadian spelling - just saying

I am Canadian, so that's intentional. It also showed up as correct when I switched languages on my Word processor to UK English, rather than the US English I was using before (which was also previously questioned).

 

There's two things about your story that I find troubling:

1) The antagonist is killed by some random guard that is otherwise meaningless to the story. Is there no way for your hero to be the hero that defeats the villain?

2) The antagonist desperately wants to marry Ariel for...basically no reason whatsoever. If I read the manuscript, this fact would annoy me chapter after chapter. And it is confirmed true when Fiachra randomly decides to kill her when she gets too annoying. I may not like the antagonist of a story, but I would like to respect him. And it's hard to respect someone that is motivated by...nothing, really. Perhaps there is some ancient custom or king's decree that forces Fiachra to marry a 'lowly' human - that would show his distaste for a 'lower' species and it's fun reading to see him overcome his repulsion by doing something he hates in order to attain the throne. 

 

1) No. For one thing, she's not the kind of person who would kill another. For another, she's too busy doing her part to save the king's life. For a third, if just taking out Fiachra's eye got her almost beheaded, actually killing him would be an even worse idea. If she were the one to kill Fiachra, I rather doubt the king would be as merciful as he is right now, what with the life-debt thing.

 

2) Fiachra wants to marry Ariel because she believes in him, which is an uncommon thing in the 21st century from which she hails. It's explicitly stated in the text when he first shows up. He is motivated by greed for his father's throne. There is no such decree forcing Fiachra to marry a human; he's just such an a-hole that no Fae woman would have him, so he turned to humans instead. Marrying humans is common among the Fae, and eventually Ariel would lose her humanity after marrying one, so it's not something they hate doing, even though the majority of Fae see most humans as little more than playthings.


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#56 smithgirl

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Posted 13 March 2015 - 02:49 PM

Newest attempt, 726 words:

 

ARIEL HAWK has believed in the Fae all her life, thanks to one trying unsuccessfully to abduct her as an infant. Now sixteen, all she wants is to enjoy her normal life without having to worry about a second incident. As she leaves a Halloween party in her home city of Leeds, UK, Ariel argues with her twin best friends; she insists the Fae exist, but the twins mock her. The argument draws the attention of FIACHRA, a prince of Faerie, who has come to Earth to find a bride. Enticed by Ariel’s beauty and intrigued by her belief, he claims her as his queen-to-be. Oh no!

 

I like this paragraph. I just wasn't clear from the last sentence that Fiachra physically appears and tries to abduct her right then, as evidenced by the second paragraph. This would be an easy fix: Enticed..., Fiachra appears in order to claim her... Up to you.

 

Ariel fends Fiachra off with a piece of? iron, and she and the twins run to a nearby churchyard. On the way, she phones her widowed dad, VINCENT HAWK, for help. Before Vincent can get to her, Fiachra overpowers the twins and kidnaps Ariel to his father’s castle in Faerie. Vincent and his brother DOMINIC “DOM” HAWK—who also believe in the Fae after defeating Ariel’s first would-be abductorDo you need this? I think it's clear they believe in Fae since they enter the portal. enter Faerie via a portal in Stonehenge to find and rescue Ariel.

 

Ariel meets Fiachra’s father, the king of the Winter Court, who blesses their engagement. At a feast in their honour, Ariel refuses to eat the enchanted food with which Fiachra tempts her. When he tries to force-feed her the next day, she jams her finger in his eye to defend herself, and he has her whipped as punishment. Fiachra's sister MÉABH vows to aid Ariel as revenge against Fiachra for betraying her and her ex-lover LÓEGAIRE in the past. Because of Ariel’s adamant hope that Vincent and Dom have entered Faerie, Méabh sets out in search of them.

 

Ariel befriends other kindly Fae, including Lóegaire, but gets grows impatient waiting for news from Méabh. When she tries to leave the castle against Méabh's advice, Fiachra catches her and locks her in a dungeon. Lóegaire urges Ariel to cooperate with Fiachra, but she ignores him and escapes into the woods, determined to find her own way home. A malevolent Fae speaks of meeting Vincent elsewhere in Faerie, validating Ariel's hope. The Fae attacks Ariel in hunger; Ariel kills her in self-defence.

 

The king's guards recapture Ariel the next morning and return her to the castle, where Fiachra rushes her through wedding preparations. Ariel realizes that Fiachra is obsessed with being king—this, and his growing frustration at her escape attempts, drives him to speed the wedding so she can’t escape for good. I think that since you mention the rushed wedding in this second sentence, you don't also need it in the first sentence.Ariel insists they can't marry because she's too young by modern UK law (which is false) Ha! Good idea! , and he doesn’t have her dad's permission (which is true).

 

Driven iInsane with fury, Fiachra tries to kill Ariel instead—he claims she's more trouble than she's worth, and then he can usurp the throne without her. Ariel fights back and stabs out his eye in self-defence. The king rules it attempted regicide, and ignores her attempts to warn him of Fiachra’s plot. Though Ariel begs the king to return her to Earth, he orders her execution for the next day. While imprisoned, Ariel loses hope of escape or rescue.

 

That night, Lóegaire helps Ariel escape into the woods. He reveals with regret that he is her first would-be abductor, and thus the reason her family believes in Fae. Saving Ariel now is Lóegaire’s attempt at penance. Ariel is horrified that Lóegaire’s choice was an unintended catalyst for Fiachra’s. Once Lóegaire finds Vincent, Dom and Méabh, the king and his guards track them down and demand Ariel’s return. Rather than fight, Vincent beseeches the king to let Ariel live. Fiachra, who had followed the king invisibly, stabs him before he can reply. As a guard kills Fiachra, the Hawks and Méabh rush to save the king from a potentially fatal wound.

 

In return for saving his life, the king lets the Hawks leave Faerie, and reserves judgment of Lóegaire and Méabh. But first the Hawks ask Lóegaire about his motives for trying to abduct Ariel. He reveals his lifelong desire to have a child, and the circumstances that led him to target Ariel, from his illicit trysts with Méabh to hearing Vincent sing to his dying wife. I think this sentence is too long.This earns Lóegaire the Hawks’ understanding, paving the way for forgiveness. At last the Hawks return to Leeds, and Ariel reunites with the twins, ready to readjust to a blessedly normal life.

Overall, I think this synopsis is very clear. I have a clear idea of what happens in the story and how it ends. I made some comments. Please implement as you see fit. I've been reading a lot of first-draft synopses that were still very confusing. This one is refreshingly clear.

 

I wonder if you could take a look at my synopsis (Althea) if you get a chance? Thanks!



#57 Gee

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Posted 16 March 2015 - 08:05 AM

Newest attempt, 726 words:

 

ARIEL HAWK has believed in the Fae all her life, thanks to one trying unsuccessfully to abduct her as an infant. Now sixteen, all she wants is to enjoy her normal life without having to worry about a second incident.is happy to put the terrible incident behind her? As she leaves a Halloween party in her home city of Leeds, UK, Ariel argues with her twin best friends; she insists the Fae exist, but the twins mock her. The argument draws the attention of FIACHRA, a prince of Faerie, who has come to Earth to find a bride. Enticed by Ariel’s beauty and intrigued by her belief, he claims her as his queen-to-be. (Nice intro - just a suggestion to reduce a few words but otherwise good)

 

Ariel fends Fiachra off with iron, and she and the twins run to a nearby churchyard. On the way, she phones her widowed dad, VINCENT HAWK, for help. Before Vincent can get to her, Fiachra overpowers the twins and kidnaps Ariel (and takes her) to his father’s castle in Faerie. (Do you need a new paragraph for a new character POV?)Vincent and his brother DOMINIC “DOM” HAWK—who also believe in the Fae after defeating Ariel’s first would-be abductor—enter Faerie via a portal in Stonehenge to find and rescue Ariel.

 

Ariel meets Fiachra’s father, the king of the Winter Court, who blesses their engagement. At a feast in their honour, Ariel refuses to eat the enchanted food with which Fiachra tempts her with.  When he tries to force-feed her the next day, she jams her finger in his eye to defend herself, and he has her whipped as punishment. Fiachra's sister MÉABH vows to aid Ariel as revenge against Fiachra for betraying her and her ex-lover LÓEGAIRE in the past. Because of Ariel’s adamant hope that Vincent and Dom have entered Faerie, Méabh sets out in search of them. (Nice, just tiny bit I noted)

 

Ariel befriends other kindly (adverb, can you just say kind?) Fae, including Lóegaire. (STOP), but gets impatient waiting for news from Méabh. When she tries to leave the castle against Méabh's advice, (Not sure this adds anything?Fiachra catches her and locks her in a dungeon. Lóegaire urges Ariel to cooperate with Fiachra, but she ignores him cannot bear the thought and escapes into the woods, determined to find her own way home. A malevolent Fae speaks of meeting Vincent elsewhere in Faerie, validating Ariel's hope. The Fae attacks Ariel in hunger; Ariel kills her the fae in self-defence.

 

The king's guards recapture Ariel the next morning and return her to the castle, where Fiachra rushes her through wedding preparations. Ariel realizes Fiachra is obsessed with being king—this, and his growing frustration at her escape attempts, drives him to speed the wedding so she can’t escape for good. (saying same thing twice about the rush, maybe chop one out?) Ariel insists they can't marry because she's too young by modern UK law (which is false), and he doesn’t have her dad's permission (which is true).

 

Driven insane with fury, Fiachra tries to kill Ariel instead—he claims she's more trouble than she's worth, and he can usurp the throne without her. Ariel fights back and stabs out his eye in self-defence(self defence it obvious). The king rules it attempted regicide (what is this?), and ignores her attempts to warn him warning of Fiachra’s plot. Though Ariel begs the king to return her to Earth, he orders her execution for the next day. While imprisoned, Ariel loses hope of escape or rescue.

 

That night, Lóegaire helps Ariel escape into the woods. He reveals with regret that he is her first would-be abductor, and thus the reason her family believes in Fae. Saving Ariel now is Lóegaire’s attempt at penance. Ariel is horrified that Lóegaire’s choice was an unintended catalyst for Fiachra’s. Once Lóegaire finds Vincent, Dom and Méabh, the king and his guards track them down and demand Ariel’s return. Rather than fight, Vincent beseeches the king to let Ariel live. Fiachra, who had followed the king invisibly, stabs him before he can reply. As a guard kills Fiachra, the Hawks and Méabh rush to save the king from a potentially fatal wound.(nice)

 

In return for saving his life, the king lets the Hawks leave Faerie, and reserves judgment of Lóegaire and Méabh. But first the Hawks ask Lóegaire about his motives for trying to abduct Ariel. He reveals his lifelong desire to have a child, and the circumstances that led him to target Ariel, from his illicit trysts with Méabh to hearing Vincent sing to his dying wife. This earns Lóegaire the Hawks’ understanding, paving the way for forgiveness. At last the Hawks return to Leeds, and Ariel reunites with the twins, ready to readjust to a blessedly normal life. (Nice)

Only other comment is a lot of character names being used, and a read in one of the synopsis guides here to minimise the number. And just a couple of adverbs, can you chop these out?

 

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#58 Ireth

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Posted 12 November 2015 - 07:48 PM

Some minor tweaks here, nothing too huge.
 
ARIEL HAWK has known that Fae exist all her life, thanks to one trying unsuccessfully to abduct her as an infant.  Now sixteen, all she wants is to enjoy her normal life without having to worry about a second incident.  After a Halloween party in her home city of Leeds, UK, Ariel argues with her twin best friends; she insists the Fae exist, but the twins mock her.  The argument draws the attention of FIACHRA, a prince of Faerie, who has come to Earth in search of a bride.  Ariel’s knowledge of Fae, seen as a rarity in modern times, intrigues him enough to claim her.
 
Ariel fends Fiachra off with iron, and she and the twins run to a nearby churchyard.  On the way, she phones her widowed dad, VINCENT HAWK, for help.  Before Vincent can reach her, Fiachra overpowers the twins and kidnaps Ariel to Faerie.  Vincent and his older brother DOMINIC “DOM” HAWK—who also know about the Fae after defeating Ariel’s first would-be abductor—enter Faerie themselves through a gateway in Stonehenge to find and rescue Ariel.
 
Fiachra’s father, the king of the Winter Court, blesses Fiachra’s and Ariel’s engagement.  Ariel refuses to eat the enchanted food at a celebratory feast.  When Fiachra tries to force-feed her, she spits the food in his face and jams her finger into his eye; he has her whipped as punishment.  Fiachra's sister MÉABH vows to aid Ariel, as revenge against Fiachra for betraying her and her ex-lover LÓEGAIRE in the past.  Fiachra gives Ariel an engagement ring, which he uses to spy on her; Méabh sets out to find Vincent and Dom in Faerie’s woods, at Ariel’s request.
 
Ariel befriends other kind Fae, including Lóegaire, but gets impatient waiting for news from Méabh.  When she discards her engagement ring and tries to flee the castle against Méabh's advice, Fiachra catches her and locks her in a dungeon.  Lóegaire urges Ariel to cooperate with Fiachra, but she ignores him and escapes into the woods to find her own way home.  A malicious Fae woman speaks of meeting Vincent elsewhere in Faerie, validating Ariel's hope that her family is there.  The Fae attacks Ariel in hunger, and Ariel kills her in self-defence.
 
The king's guards recapture Ariel the next morning and return her to the castle, where Fiachra rushes her through wedding preparations.  Ariel realizes Fiachra is obsessed with being king—this, and his growing frustration at her escape attempts, drives him to speed the wedding so she can’t escape for good.  Ariel insists they can't marry because she's too young by modern UK law (which is false), and he doesn’t have her dad's permission (which is true).
 
Driven insane with fury, Fiachra tries to kill Ariel instead—he claims she's more trouble than she's worth, and he can take the throne without her.  Ariel fights back and stabs out his eye with a decorative hair stick in self-defence.  The king rules it attempted regicide, and ignores her attempts to warn him of Fiachra’s plot.  Though Ariel begs the king to return her to Earth, he orders her execution for the next day.  While imprisoned, Ariel loses hope of escape or rescue.
 
That night, Lóegaire helps Ariel escape into the woods.  He reveals with regret that he is her first would-be abductor, and thus the reason her family knows about Fae.  Saving Ariel now is Lóegaire’s attempt at penance.  Ariel is horrified that Lóegaire’s choice was an unintended catalyst for Fiachra’s.  Lóegaire finds Vincent, Dom and Méabh, but the king and his guards hunt them down and demand Ariel’s return.  Rather than fight, Vincent beseeches the king to let Ariel live.  Before the king can answer, Fiachra, having followed invisibly, stabs him in the back.  Lóegaire kills Fiachra, and the Hawks and Méabh rush to treat the king’s potentially fatal wound.
 
In return for saving his life, the king lets the Hawks leave Faerie, and reserves judgment of Lóegaire and Méabh.  But first the Hawks ask Lóegaire about his motives for trying to abduct Ariel.  He reveals the chain of circumstances that led him to target Ariel, from his illicit trysts with Méabh and Fiachra’s betrayal of that, to hearing Vincent sing to his dying wife.  This earns Lóegaire the Hawks’ understanding, paving the way for forgiveness.  At last the Hawks return to Leeds, and Ariel reunites with the twins, ready to readjust to a blessedly normal life.

There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#59 Spaulding

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Posted 14 November 2015 - 11:10 AM

 

Synopses are evil and horrible. I have no idea if I'm getting better or worse at this. Have at it. <-------- Amen! Any particular reason we just can't say this instead of giving one?  :unsure:  I've got no synopsis skills to offer, but I hope I can help you in the telling of the tale.

 

ARIEL HAWK has believed in the Fae all her life, thanks to one trying unsuccessfully to abduct her as an infant. Since she probably doesn't remember the event, how about telling how she knows it happened. (That will help to cut down on the need of adding something about why Dom knows.) Now sixteen, all she wants is to enjoy her normal life without having to worry about a second incident. On her way home from a Halloween party in her home city of Leeds, UK, Ariel argues with her twin best friends; she insists the Fae exist, but the twins mock her. You have a large cast and the twins don't seem to have a big part, so why not just leave it that they are her two best friends? (I've read several versions of your synopsis and kept getting caught up on when the twins show up again. I kept expecting they'd show up in the fae's world.) They draw the attention of FIACHRA, a prince of Faerie, who has come to Earth to find a bride. Enticed by her beauty and intrigued by her belief, he claims Ariel as his queen-to-be. Any particular reason we need to know why he chooses her? (I'm thinking of how to tighten this even more.)
 
Ariel fends Fiachra off with iron, I gather iron is a faes' "wooden stake in the heart" kind of thing, but I'm thinking the agent/publisher you seek knows this too, so why not mention what she uses with a hint that it's made out of iron instead? I'm thinking something like "cast-iron railing." and she and the twins run to a nearby churchyard. On the way, she phones her dad, VINCENT HAWK, for help. Before Vincent can get there, Fiachra overpowers the twins and kidnaps Ariel to his father’s castle in Faerie. Vincent and his brother DOMINIC “DOM” HAWK—who also believe in the Fae after defeating Ariel’s first would-be abductor—enter Faerie via a portal in Stonehenge to find Ariel and rescue her. ​My brother was kidnapped by the mafia. (Mistaken identity, so released the next day.) When someone in the family is kidnapped, by the end of it, everyone in the family believes it. I never saw the mafia that kidnapped my brother, but I know it happened. Can't we give that Dom believes is a given?
 
Fiachra brings Ariel to his father, the king of the Winter Court, who approves their engagement. At a feast in their honor, Ariel wisely refuses to eat the enchanted food with which Fiachra tempts her. When he tries to force-feed her the next day, she jams her finger in his eye to defend herself, and he has her whipped as punishment. Fiachra's sister MÉABH promises to aid Ariel as revenge against Fiachra for betraying her and her ex-lover. Due to Ariel’s adamant hope that Vincent and Dom have entered Faerie, Méabh sets out in search of them. I know this is also from Vincent's POV too, but it seems odd that Ariel thinks of her dad as "Vincent." (Could be wrong here. Again, I'm much more lost with synopses than you are, but I mention that as someone reading the condensed version of the story.)
 
Ariel befriends other kindly Fae, (Is the plural of Fae "Fae?"  :unsure:) including Méabh’s ex-lover, over the next few days, but gets impatient waiting for news from Méabh. When she tries to flee the castle against Méabh's advice, Fiachra catches her and locks her in a dungeon. Méabh’s ex-lover urges Ariel to cooperate with Fiachra, but Ariel stubbornly ignores him. She flees into the woods, determined to find her own way home. A Fae she meets affirms having met Vincent elsewhere in Faerie, confirming Ariel's hope. The Fae attacks Ariel out of hunger, but Ariel kills her in self-defense. You've got one elaborate story going on, but in the grand scheme of plot, is her impatience at this particular time important to add to the synopsis? Most people are impatient. I'm pretty sure anyone kidnapped is even more so. I get her Great Escape is important, but small details hit in this paragraph like you're trying to fit the utterly complete story into the synopsis. I *think* we're supposed to just go with the basic plot, not the minor details.
 
The king's guards recapture Ariel the next morning and return her to the castle, where Fiachra rushes her through wedding preparations. Ariel realizes Fiachra is obsessed with being king; that, and his growing frustration at her repeated escape attempts, drives him to speed the wedding so she can’t escape for good. Ariel insists they can't marry because she's too young by modern UK law (which is false), and he doesn’t have her dad's permission (which is true). Might want to add what's in this for Fiachra. If a guy is as pretty as Brad Pitt at 20, as smart as Einstein, and as rich as Bill Gates, I don't care how powerful I am, I'd be opposed to marrying someone who tried to poke my eye out! I have to sleep some time. Also that she tries to talk him out of marrying her is a given, so that seems like minor details again. (At her age, the same is true in America. We're not too young to marry at 16, but we'd need parent's permission. Just adding that in case you're trying for American publishers too. I'm assuming UK publishers know their own laws, so the parenthesis stuff is overkill.)
 
Driven insane with fury, Fiachra tries to kill Ariel instead—he claims she's more trouble than she's worth, and he can usurp his father’s throne with or without her. I thought I learned the why-he-really-wants-her eventually before. Any particular reason this can't be stated way back when she's being kidnapped? Ariel fights back and stabs out his eye in self-defense. (Said in amusement) What's with her and poking eyes? (Seriously again. I like how you showed her getting this daring by another attempt at his eye earlier. That is something we'd have to work ourselves up to. I'm not a killer, but I've got no gripes, as a woman, aiming for the groin. Poke an eye out? Ew! I'd rather kill. So she's probably less of a killer than I am, but you showed the steady desperation to take it to this level. I think you might want to mention the no-visible-maimeness law for kings though, since that adds fuel to this bonfire.) The king rules it attempted regicide, and ignores her attempts to warn him of Fiachra’s plans. Though Ariel begs the king to return her to Earth, he orders her execution for the next day. While in prison, Ariel loses hope of escape or rescue.
 
That night, Méabh’s ex-lover any particular reason her ex doesn't get a name? He keeps showing up, even more so than she, (not to mention what's coming up in the next sentence), so why not name him? helps Ariel break out of her cell and flee into the woods. He reveals with regret that he is the one who tried to abduct Ariel as an infant; freeing her now is his attempt at penance. Before Ariel can work through her shock, they come upon Vincent, Dom and Méabh. The king and his guards track them down and demand Ariel's return. Rather than fight, Vincent tries to convince the king to let Ariel live. Fiachra, who had followed invisibly, stabs the king before he can reply. As Fiachra is brought down, the Hawks and Méabh rush to save the king from a potentially fatal wound.
 
In return for saving his life, the king lets the Hawks leave Faerie, and reserves judgment of Ariel’s Fae allies. (Said with all humor, not really part of my crit -- ahhh man! What's the use of saving a fairy king if you don't even get a Rolls Royce Silver Cloud out of the deal? lol) First the Hawks speak with Méabh’s ex-lover about his motives for trying to abduct Ariel. He reveals his lifelong desire for a child, and the chain of circumstances that drove him to target Ariel, from his illicit trysts with Méabh to hearing Vincent sing to his dying wife. This earns him their understanding, paving the way for forgiveness. At last the Hawks return to Earth, and Ariel reunites with the twins, ready to readjust to a blessedly normal life.

 

I agree fully with your assessment of the synopsis, but I think you're almost there. I'm just trying to aim for tightening by now.


If I helped you, please critique my query -- The Comfort Ban.

Or the synopsis. (If you're in a particularly cheery mood, I'll accept a crit for both. Better yet, if you're in a foul mood, take it out on both.  :wink: )


#60 Ireth

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Posted 14 November 2015 - 11:36 AM

Thanks for the comments, Spaulding, but you critiqued an outdated version of the synopsis. The most recent version is right above your post. :) I'd appreciate if you looked at that one too.


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/





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