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Winter's Queen (YA fantasy)


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#81 RichGrad

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Posted 22 May 2016 - 02:55 PM

Apologies, I missed the fact that there were additional pages on this post!!! I just went to the end of the (first) page and responded. Now I see that that there are in fact 4 pages...



#82 annallyson

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Posted 22 May 2016 - 10:10 PM

I'm sorry I don't have more to say here! Your synopsis seems very solid.

________________________________

 

ARIEL HAWK has known that Fae exist all her life, thanks to one trying unsuccessfully to abduct her as an infant.  Now sixteen, all she wants is to enjoy her normal life without having to worry about a second incident.  After a Halloween party in her home city of Leeds, UK, Ariel argues with her twin best friends; she insists the Fae exist, but the twins mock her.  The argument draws the attention of FIACHRA, a prince of Faerie, who has come to Earth in search of a bride.  Ariel’s beauty, unusual knowledge of Fae, and instinct to fight him all entice him to claim her. 

 

This sounds like a great story. My only (tiny) comment is you could clarify who “she” is when you say, “she insists the Fae exist.” 

 

Ariel fends Fiachra off with a cast-iron frying pan, and she and the twins run to a nearby churchyard.  On the way, she phones her widowed dad, VINCENT HAWK, for help.  Before Vincent can reach her, Fiachra overpowers the twins and kidnaps Ariel to Faerie.  Vincent and his older brother DOMINIC “DOM” HAWK—who know about the Fae after defeating Ariel’s first would-be abductor—enter Faerie through a gateway in Stonehenge to find and rescue Ariel.

 

Fiachra’s father, the king of the Winter Court, blesses Fiachra’s and Ariel’s engagement.  Ariel refuses to eat the enchanted food at a celebratory feast.  When Fiachra tries to force-feed her later on, she spits the food in his face and jams her finger in his eye; he has her whipped in punishment.  Fiachra's sister MÉABH vows to aid Ariel, as revenge against Fiachra for betraying her and her ex-lover LÓEGAIRE in the past.  Fiachra gives Ariel an engagement ring, which he uses to spy on her; Méabh sets out to find Vincent and Dom in Faerie’s woods, at Ariel’s request.

 

Ariel befriends other kind Fae, including Lóegaire, but gets impatient waiting for news from Méabh.  When she discards her engagement ring and tries to flee the castle against Méabh's advice, Fiachra catches her and locks her in a dungeon.  Lóegaire urges Ariel to cooperate with Fiachra, but she ignores him and escapes into the woods, intending to find her family and go home.  A Fae woman speaks of meeting Vincent elsewhere in Faerie, validating Ariel's hope that her family is there.  The woman attacks Ariel in hunger, and Ariel kills her in self-defence.

 

The king's guards recapture Ariel the next morning and return her to the castle, where Fiachra rushes her through wedding preparations.  Ariel realizes Fiachra is plotting to murder the king once he marries her—this, and his growing frustration at her escape attempts, drives him to speed the wedding so she can’t escape for good.  Ariel insists they can't marry because she's too young by modern UK law, and they don’t have her dad's permission.  Fiachra’s patience and sanity snap, and he tries to kill Ariel instead—he claims she's more trouble than she's worth, and he can take the throne without her.  Ariel fights back and stabs out his eye; now maimed, Fiachra can never claim the throne, by Fae law.  The king rules Ariel’s action attempted regicide, and ignores her warning of Fiachra’s plan.  Though Ariel begs the king to return her to Earth, he orders her execution for the next day.  While imprisoned, Ariel loses hope of escape or rescue.

 

That night, Lóegaire helps Ariel escape into the woods.  He reveals with regret that he is her first would-be abductor, and thus the reason her family knows about Fae.  Saving Ariel now is Lóegaire’s attempt at penance.  Ariel is horrified that she befriended another who once sought to keep her in Faerie, and that his choice was an unintended catalyst for Fiachra’s.  Lóegaire reaches Vincent, Dom and Méabh, but the king and his guards find them and demand Ariel’s return.  Rather than fight, Vincent urges the king to let Ariel go.  Before the king can answer, Fiachra, having followed invisibly, stabs him in the back.  Ariel tackles Fiachra away from the king; Lóegaire kills Fiachra, and the Hawks and Méabh cooperate to stop the king’s bleeding.

 

Méabh, acting as princess regent, takes everyone to the castle until the king recovers. The Hawks ask Lóegaire why he chose to take Ariel.  Lóegaire explains the chain of events that led him to target her; this earns him their understanding, paving the way for forgiveness.  In return for saving him, the king lets the Hawks go home, and reserves judgment of Méabh and Lóegaire.  The Hawks return to Leeds, and Ariel reunites with the twins, ready to readjust to a normal life.

 

I think you need to explain why Lóegaire chose to take Ariel. It feels like a loose end. 


If anyone has a moment and wants to be very kind, take a look at my query or synopsis! 

 

Synopsis: http://agentquerycon...orical-fiction/

Query: http://agentquerycon...-updated-52616/


#83 Ireth

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Posted 27 July 2017 - 10:23 PM

In preparation for Pitch Wars, I'm dusting this off again. This version elaborates more on the characters' emotional development, but I'm still having trouble figuring out how to succinctly explain Loegaire's reasons for claiming Ariel, as it's a slightly long chain of events.:/

 

Sixteen-year-old ARIEL HAWK has known that the Fae exist all her life, thanks to one trying and failing to abduct her as an infant.  After a Halloween party in her home city of Leeds, UK, Ariel argues with her twin best friends; Ariel insists the Fae exist, but the twins mock her.  The argument draws the attention of FIACHRA, a prince of Faerie, who has come to Earth in search of a bride.  Her looks entice him, her knowledge of Fae intrigues him, and her fighting instinct challenges him.  He overpowers the twins, sedates Ariel and kidnaps her to Faerie.

 

VINCENT HAWK, Ariel’s father, rushes to save Ariel but arrives too late.  He and his older brother DOMINIC “DOM” HAWK, who defeated Ariel’s first would-be abductor, enter Faerie through Stonehenge to find and rescue her.  Being helped by some Fae and hindered by others challenges their long-held beliefs that all Fae are equally evil and cruel.
 
Fiachra’s father, the King of the Winter Court, blesses Fiachra’s and Ariel’s engagement.  The wedding date is set for Midwinter Night, seven weeks from that day.  Ariel refuses to eat at first, as some of the food is enchanted to trap her in Faerie.  Fiachra's sister MÉABH vows to aid Ariel, as revenge against Fiachra for betraying her and her ex-lover LÓEGAIRE in the past; she first ensures Ariel gets food that is safe for her, then plans to seek out Vincent and Dom with her.
 
Ariel befriends the healers and other servants, and begins to learn that not all Fae are evil as she believed, even in the Winter Court—but Fiachra definitely is.  She tries to convince the King that she isn’t a match for Fiachra, and warns him that Fiachra may be plotting to kill and usurp him.  The King dismisses her concerns, assuming she’s exaggerating out of anger.
 
Fiachra gives Ariel an engagement ring, which he uses as a focus to scry on her; she discards it discreetly before going out with Méabh and Lóegaire to find her family.  Méabh scries to make sure Vincent and Dom really have entered Faerie, giving Ariel much-needed hope.  Fiachra recaptures Ariel and returns her to the castle; Lóegaire follows him to help Ariel, while Méabh continues on to find Vincent and Dom.  She finds them and speeds their progress to the castle, which further helps them let go of their long-held prejudices.
 
Fiachra changes the wedding plans without the King’s knowledge and rushes Ariel through preparations immediately.  Ariel insists they can't marry because she's too young, and they don’t have Vincent's permission.  Fiachra’s patience and sanity snap, and he tries to kill Ariel instead, claiming he can rule without her.  She fights back and maims him, thus rendering him ineligible to inherit the throne at all.  The King rules her action attempted regicide, and ignores her repeated warning of Fiachra’s plot.  Though Ariel begs the King to return her to Earth, he orders her execution for the next day.  While imprisoned, Ariel loses hope of escape or rescue.
 
That night Lóegaire helps Ariel escape her cell and flee into the woods.  He reveals with regret that he is her first would-be abductor, the reason her family learned to fear and hate Fae.  Saving Ariel now is his attempt at penance.  Though she is initially horrified at the revelation, she acknowledges her debt to him.  When they find her family, and Vincent and Dom realize who Lóegaire is, Ariel defends him from them.  The King and his guards find them and demand Ariel’s return.  Vincent tries to use diplomacy to convince the King to let Ariel live. Before the King can reply, Fiachra, having followed invisibly, stabs him in the back.  Ariel tackles Fiachra away from the King; Lóegaire kills Fiachra, and the Hawks and Méabh stop the King’s bleeding.
 
Méabh takes everyone back to the castle to await the King’s recovery. The Hawks ask Lóegaire why he chose to claim Ariel.  Lóegaire explains the chain of events that led him to choose her, and apologizes sincerely; this earns him their forgiveness.  In return for saving his life, the King lets the Hawks go home without further trouble; he also acknowledges and repents of his wrongness in disbelieving Ariel about Fiachra’s abuse.  The Hawks return safely to Leeds, and Ariel reunites with the twins, more than ready to readjust to a normal life.

There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#84 Sreid

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Posted 02 August 2017 - 11:41 AM

Hi,

 

Lets see if I can add anything useful here for a fellow Canadian. My comments are in red, and my suggestions are in blue for clarity. Most of this is written on my first read-through, so I react instinctively, as an agent will on a first read-through, rather than an author's considered response.

 

In preparation for Pitch Wars, I'm dusting this off again. This version elaborates more on the characters' emotional development, but I'm still having trouble figuring out how to succinctly explain Loegaire's reasons for claiming Ariel, as it's a slightly long chain of events.:/

 

Sixteen-year-old ARIEL HAWK has known that the Fae exist all her life, thanks to one trying and failing to abduct her as an infant.  After a Halloween party in her home city of Leeds, UK, Ariel argues with her twin best friends; Ariel insists the Fae exist, but the twins mock her.  The argument draws the attention of FIACHRA, a prince of Faerie, who has come to Earth in search of a bride.  Her looks entice him, her knowledge of Fae intrigues him, and her fighting instinct challenges him.  He overpowers the twins, sedates Ariel and kidnaps her to Faerie.

 

VINCENT HAWK, Ariel’s father, rushes to save Ariel but arrives too late.  He and (The following section comes across as a bit POV-ambiguous when you go from the father to them. I suggest the following instead to keep it clearly in the father's POV:) With the help of his older brother DOMINIC “DOM” HAWK, who defeated Ariel’s first would-be abductor, he enter(s) Faerie through Stonehenge to find and rescue her.  Being helped by some Fae and hindered by others challenges their Vincent's long-held beliefs that all Fae are equally evil and cruel.
 
Fiachra’s father, the King of the Winter Court, blesses Fiachra’s and Ariel’s engagement (Is he aware that Ariel was kidnapped, making him a willing accomplice, or is he duped by his son?).  The wedding date is set for Midwinter Night, seven weeks from that day.  Ariel refuses to eat at first, as some of the food is enchanted to trap her in Faerie (How does she know it's enchanted? Does she have some innate ability to sense it or does an ally tell her? If the latter, might I suggest you combine this and the folowing sentences to make that clear.).  Fiachra's sister MÉABH vows to aid Ariel, as revenge against Fiachra for betraying her and her ex-lover LÓEGAIRE in the past; she first ensures Ariel gets food that is safe for her, then plans to seek out Vincent and Dom with her.
 
Ariel befriends the healers and other servants, and begins to learn(s) that not all Fae are evil as she believed, even in the Winter Court—but though Fiachra definitely is.  She tries to convince the King that she isn’t a match for Fiachra, and warns him that Fiachra may be plotting to kill and usurp him (How does she learn of Fiachra's plot to kill his father? As it is, this just hits me out of the blue, so I, like the king, dismiss it.).  The King dismisses her concerns, assuming she’s exaggerating out of anger.
 
Fiachra gives Ariel an engagement ring, which he uses as a focus to scry on her; she discards it discreetly (Again,  you present your readers with an assumed knowledge on Ariel's part, about the secret scry, without explaining how she comes by it. Without a few words of explanation as to how she gained that knowledge, I find myself thinking it's unbelievable.) before going out with Méabh and Lóegaire (Wait. Isn't Lóegaire Méabh's EX-lover? It seems they're pretty chummy. Perhaps they're still lovers?) to find her family.  Méabh scries to make sure(,) confirming Vincent and Dom really have entered Faerie, giving Ariel much-needed hope. (This is pure telling and it's a great opportunity to show a bit. Perhaps:) Ariel's heart races with renewed hope, but to her dismay, Fiachra recaptures Ariel her and returns her to the castle to her gilded prison; Lóegaire follows him to help Ariel, while (Is this really important? Lóegaire's POV here muddies my perception of the plot.) Méabh continues on to find Vincent and Dom.  She finds them and speeds their progress to the castle, which further helps them let go of their long-held prejudices(More telling where you could show in my opinion.) Against his better judgement, Ariel's father finds himself trusting this Fae princess. (This paragraph goes through at least 4 points of view that I can see, and to me it becomes confusing. Can you possibly keep it all in one POV, and add a paragraph change when you change POV's?)
 
Fiachra changes the wedding plans without the King’s knowledge and rushes Ariel through preparations immediately.  Ariel insists they can't marry because she's too young (Wait a sec. The original wedding date was set for less than 7 weeks in the future. Would she have been old enough in 7 weeks, time? If not, then why didn't she present this objection earlier to the King when she claimed his son was out to kill him? I'm starting to find your plot implausible with all these holes. I suggest you plug a few of them.), and they don’t have Vincent's permission. (...or her own, and if no one seems to care what she wants, why care about what her absent father does or doesn't want?) Fiachra’s patience and sanity snap, and he tries to kill Ariel instead, claiming he can rule without her.  She fights back and maims him, (How? I take it he's a powerful magical being, and this can't be easy for her, so please show it.) thus rendering him ineligible to inherit the throne at all.  The King rules her action attempted regicide, and ignores her repeated warning of Fiachra’s plot.  Though Ariel begs the King to return her to Earth, he orders her execution for the next day. (I like these plot twists)  While imprisoned, Ariel loses hope of escape or rescue. (Please show us more here. Something like:) Ariel cries herself to sleep on the floor of a dank prison cell.
 
That night Lóegaire helps Ariel escape her cell and flee into the woods.  He reveals with regret that he is her first would-be abductor, the reason her family learned to fear and hate Fae. (You might consider hinting about this earlier in the synopsis so it comes as a revelation or confirmation of suspicions rather than something completely unexpected. Perhaps you might show his unease around Ariel at their first meeting. On the other hand, you might consider cutting all reference to Lóegaire's initial kidnap attempt if you are unable to satisfactorily explain why within the limited confines of a short synopsis. That might be something for a longer version.)  Saving Ariel now is his attempt at penance.  Though she is initially horrified at the revelation, she acknowledges her debt to him. (I like Ariel's show of emotion here.)  When they find her family, and Vincent and Dom realize who Lóegaire is, Ariel defends him from them.  The King and his guards find them and demand Ariel’s return.  Vincent tries to use diplomacy to convince the King to let Ariel live. Before the King can reply, Fiachra, having followed invisibly, stabs him his father in the back.  Ariel tackles Fiachra away from the King; Lóegaire kills Fiachra, and the Hawks and Méabh stop the King’s bleeding.
 
Méabh takes everyone back to the castle to await the King’s recovery. The Hawks ask Lóegaire why he chose to claim Ariel.  Lóegaire explains the chain of events that led him to choose her, and (Since you don't show us the details of these events, I suggest you just delete all reference to them. The words could be better used elswhere, in my opinion.)apologizes sincerely; this(,) earnsing him their Ariel's forgiveness.  In return for saving his life, the King ​apologizes and lets the Hawks Ariel and her father and uncle go home without further trouble; he also acknowledges and repents of his wrongness in disbelieving Ariel about Fiachra’s abuse.  The Hawks return safely to Leeds, and Ariel reunites with the twins, more than ready to readjust to a normal life. This last section seems anticlimactic to me, and in my opinion, you would be better off without it.)

 

In conclusion, I'd just like to say I think you have a fascinating story here. Unfortunately, your telling where I'd like to see showing, and the multiple POV's made this more of a struggle to read than what I would have liked. I would suggest you try to write this more from a closer 3rd person POV focused on Ariel, with a paragraph or two from someone else's.

 

I hope my comments were a little help for you in your revision process. Feel free to share your first impressions of my synopsis which you'll find here.



#85 Ireth

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Posted 02 August 2017 - 12:05 PM

Thank you very much, Sreid! You raise some very good points.

 

Yes, Loegaire and Meabh are both friends and ex-lovers; the "ex" part is due to the betrayal mentioned in the synopsis. In short, their love was forbidden by the King, whereupon they continued their relationship in secret. Fiachra found out and ratted them out to the King, which resulted in the King putting a Ban on Meabh and Loegaire to prevent them ever so much as touching, though they remained friends since then despite it. Loegaire was also cursed with sterility (as his greatest desire was to be a father, and Fae children are already rare, this was a huge blow). This led to him seeking out a human baby to "adopt" (read: kidnap), and that's how he found Vincent with baby Ariel.

 

Also, Loegaire doesn't recognize Ariel for who she is at first, because the last time he saw her she was a baby, and he doesn't learn her views on his botched kidnapping attempt (and thus confirmation that she was the intended victim) until later in the story. So it really does come out of nowhere for Ariel. Hence her horror.

 

The POV switches are only partly intentional. Vincent is a primary POV character for a large chunk of the book. Loegaire and Meabh are not POV characters; I just wasn't sure how else to clarify their actions after Ariel's recapture without it seeming choppy. "Wait, how/when did Loegaire get back to the castle?" etc.


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#86 Sreid

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Posted 02 August 2017 - 12:30 PM

I understand and sympathize with your difficulties. Writing a clear concise synopsis is difficult for a complex story, which all good fantasy stories are with all the world-building  and character development of essentially alien beings. I have the same struggles, and as a result, don't even mention the second-most important plot thread in my story (about 30,000 words worth), or the love angle, or even the main character's best friend. I have to pare it down as much as I can to just the main character's struggle. Even then, I find my word count fills up before my synopsis is finished.

 

You might consider doing that to the father and uncle, so you can concentrate more on Ariel's story. When Méabh goes to bring back Ariel's uncle and father, you can just say she goes to get help, and leave it at that. If you could take away all but the most essential plot lines from your synopsis and incorporate the two main paragraphs in your above post in it, I believe that would go a long way toward adding the complexity you seek, while not muddying the story unnecessarily.



#87 Ireth

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Posted 02 August 2017 - 02:53 PM

I understand and sympathize with your difficulties. Writing a clear concise synopsis is difficult for a complex story, which all good fantasy stories are with all the world-building  and character development of essentially alien beings. I have the same struggles, and as a result, don't even mention the second-most important plot thread in my story (about 30,000 words worth), or the love angle, or even the main character's best friend. I have to pare it down as much as I can to just the main character's struggle. Even then, I find my word count fills up before my synopsis is finished.

 

You might consider doing that to the father and uncle, so you can concentrate more on Ariel's story. When Méabh goes to bring back Ariel's uncle and father, you can just say she goes to get help, and leave it at that. If you could take away all but the most essential plot lines from your synopsis and incorporate the two main paragraphs in your above post in it, I believe that would go a long way toward adding the complexity you seek, while not muddying the story unnecessarily.

 

I've already done that -- there's lots more to Vincent's and Dom's subplot than I mention here. Let's see if this attempt is any better:

 

 

Sixteen-year-old ARIEL HAWK has known that the Fae exist all her life, thanks to one trying and failing to abduct her as an infant.  After a Halloween party in her home city of Leeds, UK, Ariel argues with her twin best friends; Ariel insists the Fae exist, but the twins mock her.  The argument draws the attention of FIACHRA, a prince of Faerie, who has come to Earth in search of a bride.  Her looks entice him, her knowledge of Fae intrigues him, and her fighting instinct challenges him.  He overpowers the twins, sedates Ariel and kidnaps her to Faerie.

 

VINCENT HAWK, Ariel’s widowed father, rushes to save her but arrives too late.  Along with his brother DOMINIC “DOM” HAWK, who helped defeat Ariel’s first would-be abductor, he enters Faerie through Stonehenge to find and rescue her.  But though the family has studied the Fae for years, Faerie still holds surprises.  Being helped by some Fae and hindered by others challenges Vincent’s and Dom’s long-held beliefs that all Fae are equally evil and cruel.

 

Fiachra’s father, the King of the Winter Court, blesses Fiachra’s and Ariel’s engagement.  The wedding date is set for Midwinter Night, seven weeks from that day.  Ariel refuses to eat at first, knowing some of the food is enchanted to trap her in Faerie.  Fiachra's sister MÉABH vows to aid Ariel, as revenge for Fiachra’s past betrayal of her and her ex-lover LÓEGAIRE.  She ensures Ariel gets food that is safe for her, then prepares to seek Vincent and Dom.

 

Ariel befriends healers and other servants, and learns that not all Fae are evil, even in the Winter Court—though Fiachra definitely is.  She tries to convince the King that she isn’t a match for Fiachra, emphasizing that Fiachra kidnapped her and that she suspects he’s plotting to kill and usurp the King.  The King dismisses her concerns, assuming she’s exaggerating out of anger.

 

Ariel resists Fiachra’s attempts to woo her with magic and subdue her by force, then goes with Méabh and Lóegaire to find her family.  Ariel’s hopes are dashed when Fiachra recaptures her; Lóegaire follows to help Ariel, while Méabh finds Vincent and Dom.  She speeds their progress to the castle, which further helps them let go of their long-held prejudices.

 

Fiachra changes the wedding plans without the King’s knowledge and rushes Ariel through preparations immediately.  Ariel insists they can’t marry for numerous reasons, not least because he’s done nothing but abuse her.  Fiachra’s patience and sanity snap, and he tries to kill Ariel instead, claiming he can rule without her.  She fights back and maims his eye, rendering him ineligible to inherit the throne at all.  The King rules her action attempted regicide, and ignores her confirmation of Fiachra’s plot.  Though Ariel begs the King to take her home, he orders her execution for tomorrow.  She cries herself to nightmare-filled sleep in a dungeon.

 

That night, Lóegaire helps Ariel escape into the woods.  He reveals with regret that he is her first would-be abductor, the reason her family learned to fear and hate Fae.  Saving Ariel now is his attempt at penance.  Though initially horrified at the revelation, she acknowledges her debt to him.  When they find her family, and Vincent and Dom realize who Lóegaire is, Ariel defends him from them.  The King and his guards find them and demand Ariel’s return.  Vincent tries to use diplomacy to convince the King to let Ariel live.  Before the King can reply, Fiachra, having followed invisibly, stabs his father in the back.  Ariel tackles Fiachra away from the King; Lóegaire kills Fiachra, and Ariel, Vincent, Dom and Méabh stop the King’s bleeding.

 

Méabh takes everyone back to the castle to await the King’s recovery.  Lóegaire explains to the Hawks that he chose Ariel because his sterility, a curse from the King as punishment for his illicit romance with Méabh, had driven him to claim a human child.  He had heard Vincent sing to Ariel’s dying mother and taken advantage of Vincent’s vulnerability.  His apology earns him forgiveness.  In return for saving his life, the King apologizes and lets the Hawks go home without further trouble.  The Hawks say farewell to their few Fae friends and return to Leeds, more than ready to readjust to a normal life.


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#88 sarahd747

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Posted 04 August 2017 - 06:51 AM

I've already done that -- there's lots more to Vincent's and Dom's subplot than I mention here. Let's see if this attempt is any better:

 

 

Sixteen-year-old ARIEL HAWK has known that the Fae exist all her life, thanks to one trying and failing to abduct her as an infant.  After During a Halloween party in her home city of Leeds, UK, Ariel argues with her twin best friends; Ariel insists the Fae exist, but the twins mock her.  The argument ​- I don't think you need this. You don't mention the twins again so I would cut it.  draws the attention of FIACHRA, a prince of Faerie, who has come to Earth in search of a bride.  Her looks entice him, her knowledge of Fae intrigues him, and her fighting instinct challenges him.  He overpowers the twins, sedates Ariel and kidnaps her to Faerie. You could perhaps be more dramatic, and say something like -  Fiarchra snatches Ariel for his own. 

 

VINCENT HAWK, Ariel’s widowed father, rushes to save her but arrives too late.  Along with his brother DOMINIC “DOM” HAWK, who helped defeat Ariel’s first would-be abductor, he enters Faerie through Stonehenge to find and rescue her.  But though the family has studied the Fae for years, Faerie still holds surprises.​This is hinted at through their knowledge of the Fae's existence, I don't think you need it. Being helped by some Fae and hindered by others, challenges Vincent’s and Dom’s long-held beliefs that all Fae are equally evil and cruel. Again not sure this is needed since I think the primary focus needs to remain on Ariel. Maybe say they become lost, or refuse to give up their search for Ariel. You could also delete the line altogether - at this point, all we really need to know is that Dom and Vincent have entered the Fae realm. 

 

Fiachra’s father, the King of the Winter Court, blesses Fiachra’s and Ariel’s engagement.  The wedding date is set for Midwinter Night, seven weeks from that day away.  Ariel refuses to eat at first, knowing some of the food is enchanted to trap her in Faerie.  Fiachra's sister MÉABH vows to aid Ariel, as revenge for Fiachra’s past betrayal of her and her ex-lover LÓEGAIRE.  She ensures Ariel gets food that is safe for her unenchanted food, then prepares to seek Vincent and Dom.

 

Meanwhile, Ariel befriends healers and other servants. and learns that Not all Fae are evil, even in the Winter Court—though Fiachra definitely is.  She tries to convince the King that she isn’t a match for Fiachra, emphasizing that Fiachra kidnapped her and that she suspects he’s ​Fiachra definitely is, with his plots to kill and usurp the king. plotting to kill and usurp the King.  The King dismisses her concerns, assuming she’s exaggerating out of anger. ​You don't need to mention that Ariel has this conversation with the king, the only important plot point is that Fiachra is scheming, further showing that he is a horrible person.

 

Ariel resisting Fiachra’s attempts to woo her with magic and subdue her by force, then goes Ariel escapes with Méabh and Lóegaire to find her family.  Ariel’s hopes are dashed when Fiachra recaptures her; Lóegaire follows to help Ariel, while Méabh finds Vincent and Dom. -This line sounds messy, like your trying to cram too much in. Perhaps say Ariel escapes but is quickly recaptured. However Meabh stumbles upon Vicent and Dom and speeds...I don't think you need to mention Loegaire at all since he doesn't sound like a main player - consider cutting him completely from the synopsis, Meabh's old lover is really the only title he needs if you're going to mention him. She speeds their progress to the castle, which further helps them let go of their long-held prejudices.

 

Fiachra changes the wedding plans without the King’s knowledge and rushes Ariel through preparations immediately. - This sounds wordy. Maybe cut down and don't worry about adding in every detail. Ariel insists they can’t marry for numerous reasons, not least because he’s done nothing but abuse her.  Again wordy, all you need to say is, Ariel continues to resist the marriage (the reasons are obvious- I mean she was kidnapped!). Fiachra’s patience and sanity snap, and he tries to kill Ariel instead, claiming he can rule without her.  She fights back and maims his eye, rendering him ineligible to inherit the throne at all.  The King rules her action attempted regicide, and ignores her confirmation of Fiachra’s plot.  Though Ariel begs the King to take her home, he orders her execution for tomorrow.  She cries herself to nightmare-filled sleep in a and throws her in the dungeon.

 

That night, Lóegaire (If you cut Loegaire from the beginning of the synopsis, its would still work if hear you add, Meabh's lover here) helps Ariel escape into the woods.  He reveals with regret that he is her first would-be abductor, the reason her family learned to fear and hate Fae.  and Saving Ariel now is his attempt at penance.  Though initially horrified at the revelation, she acknowledges her debt to him. is it a debt? You just said it was his attempt at penance, doesn't that make them even? When they find her family, and Vincent and Dom realize who Lóegaire is, Ariel defends him from them.  The King and his guards find them and demand Ariel’s return.  Vincent tries to use diplomacy to convince the King to let Ariel live.not important, the kings death is the significant scene.  Before the King can reply, Fiachra, having followed invisibly, - unimportant detail. stabs his father in the back.  Ariel tackles Fiachra away from the King Why is Ariel defending the King? Isn't he almost as bad as his son? ; Lóegaire kills Fiachra, and Ariel, Vincent, Dom and Méabh stop the King’s bleeding. ​I don't understand why they would help the King... there is no reason to? Unless Meabh, who is their friend, begs them to save her father? Then it is a debt repaid since Meabh has done so much for Ariel. 

 

Méabh takes everyone back to the castle to await the King’s recovery.  Lóegaire explains to the Hawks (I would say Ariels family, you haven't mentioned the Hawks since the first few paragraphs and at first I didn't have a clue who you were talking about) that he chose Ariel because his sterility, a curse from the King as punishment for his illicit romance with Méabh, had driven him to claim a human child ​(I don't understand this plot point - sorry, I'm confused about whats going on? Why did he choose ariel? for what purpose?).  He had heard Vincent sing to Ariel’s dying mother and taken advantage of Vincent’s vulnerability ​- whats the vulnerability? I'm confused....  His apology earns him forgiveness Whose forgiveness? What did he do? Try to kidnap Ariel... sorry but this has lost me.  In return for saving his life, the King apologizes and lets the Hawks go home without further trouble.  The Hawks say farewell to their few Fae friends and return to Leeds, more than ready to readjust to a normal life.

 

Ok I liked this synopsis for the most part, but the last few paragraphs confused me. I also didn't really get a sense of conclusion - I think you need to say more about what the Hawks learned, - that not all fairies are evil. And perhaps something about how the king acknowledges that stealing away humans is wrong! A promise not to do that to anyone else? I really think the king needs to see the error of his ways.

 

Otherwise you have a strong synopsis. Maybe a little too much detail that isn't needed. I agree with what was said earlier, that some parts, like Vincent, Dom and Loegaire need to be cut down since I'm not sure what they add. Also the twins, you never mention them again so I don't think they need mentioning at the beginning...

 

Anyway best of luck - hope this helped!


Please help me with my query:

 

Yokai Academy - MG Fantasy


#89 Ireth

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Posted 04 August 2017 - 02:52 PM

Thanks for the critique, sarahd747! Let's see if this version is better.

 

Sixteen-year-old ARIEL HAWK has known that the Fae exist all her life, thanks to one trying and failing to abduct her as an infant and make her his daughter.  After a Halloween party in her home city of Leeds, UK, Ariel argues with her friends; Ariel insists the Fae exist, but her friends mock her.  The argument draws the attention of FIACHRA, a prince of Faerie, who has come to Earth in search of a bride.  Ariel’s looks entice him, her knowledge of Fae intrigues him, and her fighting instinct challenges him.  He overpowers the twins and kidnaps Ariel to Faerie.

 

VINCENT HAWK, Ariel’s widowed father, rushes to save her but arrives too late.  Along with his brother DOMINIC “DOM” HAWK, who helped defeat Ariel’s first would-be abductor, he enters Faerie through Stonehenge to find and rescue her.  But though the family has studied the Fae for years, Faerie still holds surprises.  Being helped by some Fae and hindered by others challenges Vincent’s and Dom’s long-held belief that all Fae are equally evil and cruel.

 

Fiachra’s father, the King of the Winter Court, blesses Fiachra’s and Ariel’s engagement.  The wedding date is set for Midwinter Night, seven weeks away.  Ariel refuses to eat at first, knowing some of the food is enchanted to trap her in Faerie.  Fiachra's sister MÉABH vows to aid Ariel, as revenge for Fiachra’s past betrayal of her and her ex-lover LÓEGAIRE.  She ensures Ariel gets unenchanted food, then prepares to seek Vincent and Dom.

 

Meanwhile, Ariel befriends healers and other servants, and learns that not all Fae are evil, even in the Winter Court—though Fiachra definitely is.  She warns the King that she suspects Fiachra is plotting to kill and usurp him.  The King dismisses her concerns, assuming she’s exaggerating.  Well-meaning but misguided, he urges her to give Fiachra a second chance.

 

Resisting Fiachra’s attempts to woo her with magic and subdue her by force, Ariel goes with Méabh and Lóegaire to find her family.  On the way she tells Lóegaire about her first would-be abductor.  Fiachra recaptures Ariel and returns her to the castle, intent on marrying her at once.  The King, realizing the truth that she was kidnapped all along, attempts to dissuade Fiachra from marrying her at all.  Meanwhile, Méabh finds Vincent and Dom and speeds their progress to the castle, which helps them let go of their long-held prejudices.

 

Fiachra goes behind the King’s back and rushes Ariel through preparations.  When she continues to resist him, Fiachra’s patience and sanity snap, and he tries to kill her instead.  She fights back and maims his eye, making him ineligible to inherit the throne.  The King misreads the situation, rules her action attempted regicide, and ignores her confirmation of Fiachra’s plot.  Though Ariel begs him to take her home, he orders her execution and locks her in a dungeon.

 

That night, Lóegaire helps Ariel escape into the woods.  He reveals with regret that he is her first would-be abductor.  Saving Ariel now is his attempt at penance.  Though initially horrified at the revelation, she is consoled by his kindness now.  When they find her family, and Vincent and Dom realize who Lóegaire is, Ariel defends him from them.  The King and his guards find them and demand Ariel’s return and execution.  Vincent urges him to rethink things.  Before the King can reply, Fiachra stabs his father in the back.  Ariel tackles Fiachra away from the King, and Lóegaire kills Fiachra.  Ariel, Vincent, and Dom help Méabh stop the King’s bleeding, as his death would send the Court into more turmoil. Besides, it’s the right thing to do.

 

Méabh takes everyone back to the castle to await the King’s recovery.  Lóegaire explains that he chose Ariel because his sterility, a curse from the King as punishment for his illicit love for Méabh, had driven him to claim a human child to raise as his own.  He had heard Vincent sing to Ariel’s dying mother and taken advantage of Vincent’s vulnerability as he grieved.  Lóegaire’s apology earns him forgiveness from Ariel and her family.  The King apologizes for not believing Ariel about Fiachra, and in return for saving his life, he lets her and her family go home without further trouble.


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#90 enveniya

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Posted 05 August 2017 - 12:50 PM

Thank you so much for your comments on my query - I wasn't sure if you were still tinkering with your query/hook since it was last updated in 2016, so I'll do the critique here. Hopefully I'm not too late for you to make it into Pitch Wars!

 

Thanks for the critique, sarahd747! Let's see if this version is better.

 

Sixteen-year-old ARIEL HAWK has known that the Fae exist all her life, thanks to one trying and failing to abduct her as an infant and make her his daughter (this phrase is better suited in Loegaire's reveal further down. At this point we just need to know that Ariel believes fae are real because she was abducted).  After a Halloween party in her home city of Leeds, UK, Ariel argues with her friends; Ariel insists the Fae exist, but her friends mock her.  The argument draws the attention of FIACHRA, a prince of Faerie, who has come to Earth in search of a bride.  Ariel’s looks entice him, her knowledge of Fae intrigues him, and her fighting instinct challenges him.  He overpowers the twins (Are her friends twins?) and kidnaps Ariel to Faerie.

 

 

 

VINCENT HAWK, Ariel’s widowed father, rushes to save her but arrives too late.  Along with his brother DOMINIC “DOM” HAWK, who helped defeat Ariel’s first would-be abductor, he enters Faerie through Stonehenge to find and rescue her.  But though the family has studied the Fae for years (Did the family study fae because of Ariel's abduction or were they always scholarly?) , Faerie still holds surprises.  Being helped by some Fae and hindered by others challenges Vincent’s and Dom’s long-held belief that all Fae are equally evil and cruel.

 

 

 

Fiachra’s father, the King of the Winter Court, blesses Fiachra’s and Ariel’s engagement.  The wedding date is set for Midwinter Night, seven weeks away.  Ariel refuses to eat at first, knowing some of the food is enchanted to trap her in Faerie.  Fiachra's sister MÉABH vows to aid Ariel, as revenge for Fiachra’s past betrayal of her and her ex-lover LÓEGAIRE.  She ensures Ariel gets unenchanted food, then prepares to seek Vincent and Dom.

 

 

 

Meanwhile, Ariel befriends healers and other servants, and learns that not all Fae are evil, even in the Winter Court—though Fiachra definitely is.  She warns the King that she suspects Fiachra is plotting to kill and usurp him.  The King dismisses her concerns, assuming she’s exaggerating.  Well-meaning but misguided, he urges her to give Fiachra a second chance.

 

 

 

Resisting Fiachra’s attempts to woo her with magic and subdue her by force, Ariel goes with Méabh and Lóegaire to find her family.  On the way she tells Lóegaire about her first would-be abductor.  Fiachra recaptures Ariel and returns her to the castle, intent on marrying her at once.  The King, realizing the truth that she was kidnapped all along, attempts to dissuade Fiachra from marrying her at all.  Meanwhile, Méabh finds Vincent and Dom and speeds their progress to the castle, which helps them let go of their long-held prejudices.

 

I don't have much to critique for the paragraphs above. It's well-written, clear and concise.

 

 

Fiachra goes behind the King’s back and rushes Ariel through preparations.  When she continues to resist him, Fiachra’s patience and sanity snap, and he tries to kill her instead (Fiachra's goals are a little opaque here. He's in line to inherit the throne, so why usurp the King? Is he so power hungry that he wants to be king as soon as possible? Why did Fiachra want a bride? Does being married cement his claim to the throne, or does he truly love Ariel? If it's the latter, why does he lose patience with her resistance, since that was one of the things that made her attractive to him?).  She fights back and maims his eye, making him ineligible to inherit the throne.  The King misreads the situation, rules her action attempted regicide, and ignores her confirmation of Fiachra’s plot.  Though Ariel begs him to take her home, he orders her execution and locks her in a dungeon.

 

 

 

That night, Lóegaire helps Ariel escape into the woods.  He reveals with regret that he is her first would-be abductor.  Saving Ariel now is his attempt at penance.  Though initially horrified at the revelation, she is consoled by his kindness now.  When they find her family, and Vincent and Dom realize who Lóegaire is, Ariel defends him from them.  The King and his guards find them and demand Ariel’s return and execution.  Vincent urges him to rethink things.  Before the King can reply, Fiachra stabs his father in the back.  Ariel tackles Fiachra away from the King, and Lóegaire kills Fiachra.  Ariel, Vincent, and Dom help Méabh stop the King’s bleeding, as his death would send the Court into more turmoil. Besides, it’s the right thing to do. (Not a big fan of this line. This sentence felt more "voice" and stood out against the more matter-of-fact tone of the synopsis.)

 

At this point "Vincent and Dom" appears four times. Dom doesn't seem like he's a separate character of his own, and his goals matches up with Vincent's throughout the synopsis. You mentioned Vincent is a POV character - I think you can cut Dom's name from the synopsis without much consequence, and just refer to Dom as "Vincent's brother" in the beginning instead. Cutting Dom reduces the number of named characters to five, which is easier to keep track.

 

I'm sure the manuscript is finished at this point, but the plot seems to be running away from Ariel here. She becomes an observer instead of a person with agency in this climax - she doesn't escape on her own, requires help to find her family, Vincent is the one who persuades the King, Ariel doesn't kill Fiachra and everyone helps the King back to recovery. Given that Fiachra has been a colossal jerk towards Ariel, it felt a little anti-climatic when a non-POV character delivered the killing blow. It's like Voldemort being killed by Colin Creevey.

 

Méabh takes everyone back to the castle to await the King’s recovery.  Lóegaire explains that he chose Ariel because (of) his sterility, a curse from the King as punishment for his illicit love for Méabh, had driven him to claim a human child to raise as his own.  He had heard Vincent sing to Ariel’s dying mother and taken took advantage of Vincent’s vulnerability as he grieved grief.  Lóegaire’s apology earns him forgiveness from Ariel and her family.  The King apologizes for not believing Ariel about Fiachra, and in return for saving his life, he lets her and her family go home without further trouble.



#91 Preston Copeland.Biz

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Posted 09 August 2017 - 01:20 PM

Thanks for the critique, sarahd747! Let's see if this version is better.

 

Sixteen-year-old ARIEL HAWK has known that the Fae exist all her life, thanks to ​(is this one supposed to be someone else? or is this Fae one​) trying and failing to abduct her as an infant and make her his daughter. ​(Especially since this is your first sentence, I would work on clarity. For example, I had to reread the Fae, because it sounds like a group, but at the end of the sentence, I found out it's a (he). It's an easy fix. Reword, and if it's too lengthy, use two staccato(snappy) sentences. Or maybe I am misunderstanding something. 

​Tell us who Fae is too. Is he a knight, a crooked king?

 After a Halloween party in her home ​(home town? I guess I've never heard of home city before. I might take out that it's her home city anyhow,unless it's pertinent to the plot. Just a thought) city of Leeds, UK, Ariel argues with her ​disbelieving friends; Ariel insists ​that the Fae exist. but her friends mock her.  The argument draws the attention of FIACHRA, a prince of Faerie, ​is intrigued by Ariel's beauty and her knowledge of the Fae. After instinct tells him she may be his bride, he kidnaps her by using a secret dose of.... (of course these are only suggestions....)

 

(Also, a prince at a Halloween party? Beside that, I see in the next sentence, he kidnaps her, tell us briefly how: magic potion? Also, why does a prince need to kidnap? He's a prince.)

 

who has come to Earth in search of a bride.  Ariel’s looks entice him, her knowledge of Fae intrigues him, and her fighting instinct challenges him.  He overpowers the twins and kidnaps Ariel to Faerie.

 

 

 

VINCENT HAWK, Ariel’s widowed father, rushes to save her but arrives too late.  Along with his brother DOMINIC “DOM” HAWK, who helped defeat Ariel’s first would-be abductor, ​(ok, so I see this abducting is big game, but why is Ariel so important to take? Tell us maybe in first sentence of synopsis, since that seems to be a key plot point) he enters Faerie through Stonehenge ​(cool stuff) to find and rescue her.  But though the family has studied the Fae ​(yes, Fae is so central to your story, we need to know who they are. HOWEVER, EVEN MORE IMPORTANT, IF THE "FAE" ARE YOUR ANTAGONIST IN THIS SYNOPSIS, I WOULD ACTUALLY FOCUS ON A KEY FIGURE OF THE FAE, THE MAIN BAD GUY WHO REALLY WANTS ARIEL, AND WHO HAS ALWAYS WANTED HER FOR HER SPECIAL......? WHATEVER IT IS)  for years, Faerie still holds surprises.  Being helped by some Fae and hindered by others challenges Vincent’s and Dom’s long-held belief that all Fae are equally evil and cruel. ​(so is Ariel the protagonist? because it seems like Vincent's taking over. Will Ariel be gone most of the novel? (I would probably cut this paragraph and jump to the next one. I don't think Vincent needs to be mentioned unless he is in all the upcoming paragraphs. If not cut him, the next paragraph works better because it's about Ariel. That's who we want to hear about and this marriage, and the upcoming result.

 

 

 

Fiachra’s father, the King of the Winter Court, blesses Fiachra’s and Ariel’s engagement. The wedding date is set for Midwinter Night, seven weeks away.  Ariel refuses to eat at first, knowing some of the food is enchanted to trap her in Faerie.  Fiachra's sister ​(All of these names cause confusion. I would use 3, maybe 4 characters at most. DOn't mention minor characters. if you mention them, use a different word, like here just say "sister" MÉABH vows to aid Ariel, as revenge for Fiachra’s past betrayal of her and her ex-lover LÓEGAIRE.  She ensures Ariel gets unenchanted food, then prepares to seek Vincent and Dom.

 

 

 

Meanwhile, Ariel befriends healers and other servants, ​(this sentence had good details. i want to hear more of this and Ariel. I don't care much about the other characters, unless they directly affect her, mention them, but focus on Ariel's feelings, thoughts, world, love, etc.)and learns that not all Fae are evil, even in the Winter Court—though Fiachra definitely is.  She warns the King that she suspects Fiachra is plotting to kill and usurp him.  The King dismisses her concerns, assuming she’s exaggerating.  Well-meaning but misguided, he urges her to give Fiachra a second chance.

 

 

 

Resisting Fiachra’s ​(ok, so this Fiachra guy seems like your protagonist and he's the one that should be mentioned in the first sentence of your synopsis. Focus on him and Ariela, and maybe mention 1-2 side characters, as you plot their interaction from the kidnapping to resolution. I know it's tough but simplicity will bring you and your synopsis clarity) attempts to woo her with magic and subdue her by force, Ariel goes with Méabh and Lóegaire to find her family.  On the way she tells Lóegaire about her first would-be abductor.  Fiachra recaptures Ariel and returns her to the castle, intent on marrying her at once.  The King, realizing the truth that she was kidnapped all along, attempts to dissuade Fiachra from marrying her at all.  Meanwhile, Méabh finds Vincent and Dom and speeds their progress to the castle, which helps them let go of their long-held prejudices.

 

 

 

Fiachra goes behind the King’s back and rushes Ariel through preparations.  When she continues to resist him, Fiachra’s patience and sanity snap, and he tries to kill her instead.  She fights back and maims his eye, making him ineligible to inherit the throne.  The King misreads the situation, rules her action attempted regicide, and ignores her confirmation of Fiachra’s plot.  Though Ariel begs him to take her home, he orders her execution and locks her in a dungeon.

 

 

 

That night, Lóegaire ​(this Loegaire guy seems like a good character to mention as a side character)  helps Ariel escape into the woods.  He reveals with regret that he is her first would-be abductor.  Saving Ariel now is his attempt at penance.  Though initially horrified at the revelation, she is consoled by his kindness now.  When they find her family, and Vincent and Dom realize who Lóegaire is, Ariel defends him from them.  The King and his guards find them and demand Ariel’s return and execution.  Vincent urges him to rethink things.  Before the King can reply, Fiachra stabs his father in the back.  Ariel tackles Fiachra away from the King, and Lóegaire kills Fiachra.  Ariel, ​(in my opinion, I don't think Vincent, or Dom need to be in this synopsis)Vincent, and Dom help Méabh stop the King’s bleeding, as his death would send the Court into more turmoil. Besides, it’s the right thing to do.

 

 

 

Méabh ​(I don't think Meabh needs to mentioned either. I would write only about Ariel, her relationships with Loegaire and Fiachra and probably a king, up to you. You know the story better than me)  takes everyone back to the castle to await the King’s recovery.  Lóegaire explains that he chose Ariel because his sterility, a curse from the King as punishment for his illicit love for Méabh, had driven him to claim a human child to raise as his own.  He had heard Vincent sing to Ariel’s dying mother and taken advantage of Vincent’s vulnerability as he grieved.  Lóegaire’s apology earns him forgiveness from Ariel and her family.  The King apologizes for not believing Ariel about Fiachra, and in return for saving his life, he lets her and her family go home without further trouble.

 

​This sounds like an interesting story. I think simplicity would do your synopsis wonders, but I know cutting characters is hard; still you have too many here, I believe. Hope this helped.

 

​Also, since where both working on synopsis's and it's harder to get people to edit them in AQC in a timely manner, let me know if you want to exchange emails. I'm almost finished with another rewrite of my synopsis. 

​Here's my email if you want to collaborate:  

pcopeland2345@gmail.com

​Or I can just message you through AQC when I post the synopsis. 

Let me know what works for you.


Preston Copeland

Website: prestoncopeland.biz

Twitter: @pcopeland2345

Email: pcopeland2345@gmail.com


#92 ymchen

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Posted 10 August 2017 - 04:03 PM

Hi Ireth, I made a few comments on where I think some changes would help improve your synopsis, and areas where I was confused as a reader. Hopefully this helps? The text in blue are just some of my thoughts during my read-through, and questions I had. Red are just some edits to word choice/sentence structure/for clarity. 

 

I agree there may be some confusions with the characters, since there are quite a few. There are also several plot points in the 2nd / 3rd section that confused me, because their relation to earlier plots or character motivations are unclear. But overall I really enjoyed your synopsis (It's a book I'd totally pick up in a store)!

 

Thanks for the critique, sarahd747! Let's see if this version is better.

 

Sixteen-year-old ARIEL HAWK knows has known that the Fae are real exist all her life, after thanks to one tried to trying and failing to abduct her as an infant and make her his daughter. (I would read "tried to and failed" as the same thing; if the abductor was successful we'd know ) After a Halloween party in her home city of Leeds, UK, Ariel argues with her friends; Ariel insists the Fae exist, but her friends mock her. (I think there is a better way to word these sentences - maybe along the lines of "At a Halloween party in her hometown, Leeds, UK.,  Ariel's belief in the Faes draw mockery from her friends..."  The argument draws the attention of FIACHRA, a prince of Faerie, who has come to Earth in search of a bride.  Ariel’s looks entice him, her knowledge of Fae intrigues him, and her fighting instinct challenges him (I love this!) .  He overpowers the twins (who are the twins? Ariel's friends? Maybe mention that instead; "he overpowers Ariel's friends") and kidnaps Ariel to Faerie.

 

VINCENT HAWK, Ariel’s widowed father, rushes to save her but arrives too late. (I would actually introduce Vincent Hawk as a separate paragraph before mentioning the Halloween Party. Same with Dominic Hawk if they are both major characters. It would help to clarify that it isn't just Ariel who believes in the Fae ; her whole family has studied them for years.) Along with his brother DOMINIC “DOM” HAWK, who helped defeat Ariel’s first would-be abductor (I suggest mentioning that her brother saved her from the first abductor near the beginning of your synopsis too), he enters Faerie through Stonehenge to find and rescue her.  But though the family has studied the Fae for years, Faerie still holds surprises.  Being helped by some Fae and hindered by others challenges Vincent’s and Dom’s long-held belief that all Fae are equally evil and cruel (You can reword this to, "While Vincent and Dom hold beliefs that Fae are all cruel and evil, their prejudices are challenged when some of the Fae assist their search for Ariel).

 

Fiachra’s father, the King of the Winter Court, blesses Fiachra’s and Ariel’s engagement.  The wedding date is set for Midwinter Night, seven weeks away.  Ariel refuses to eat at first, knowing some of the food is enchanted to trap her in Faerie.  Fiachra's sister MÉABH vows to aid Ariel, as revenge for Fiachra’s past betrayal of her and her ex-lover LÓEGAIRE. She ensures Ariel gets unenchanted food, then prepares to seek Vincent and Dom.  (I think there is a way you can word this paragraph with bit more "oomph" while raising the stakes and adding complexity to Fiachra's relationships with his father, his sister, and what he did to her ex lover). Here, you can also describe the misplaced adoration of Fiachra's father in his son, dismissing Ariel's concerns that his son is plotting to kill him.

 

Meanwhile, Ariel befriends healers and other servants, and learns that not all Fae are evil, even in the Winter Court—though Fiachra definitely is.  She warns the King that she suspects Fiachra is plotting to kill and usurp him.  The King dismisses her concerns, assuming she’s exaggerating.  Well-meaning but misguided, he urges her to give Fiachra a second chance.  Maybe a few direct sentences describing how Fiachra is evil (outside of killing his own father) would help solidify the stakes Ariel faces.

 

Resisting Fiachra’s attempts to woo her with magic and subdue her by force, Ariel goes with Méabh and Lóegaire to find her family.  On the way she tells Lóegaire about her first would-be abductor.  Fiachra recaptures Ariel and returns her to the castle, intent on marrying her at once.  The King, realizing the truth that she was kidnapped all along, attempts to dissuade Fiachra from marrying her at all.  Meanwhile, Méabh finds Vincent and Dom and speeds their progress to the castle, which helps them let go of their long-held prejudices. I think this paragraph can be combined with some elements from the previous and latter paragraphs, or streamlined around a concept - i.e. The King realising Fiachra's misdeeds, Meabh realising Ariel's connection with her brother and father, etc.) 

 

Fiachra goes behind the King’s back and rushes Ariel through preparations.  When she continues to resist him, Fiachra’s patience and sanity snap, and he tries to kill her instead.  She fights back and maims his eye, making him ineligible to inherit the throne. (Why does maiming a Fae prince's eye make him ineligible for the throne? I'm confused about this). The King misreads the situation, rules her action attempted regicide, and ignores her confirmation of Fiachra’s plot.  Though Ariel begs him to take her home, he orders her execution and locks her in a dungeon. (Why would the King lose his trust in Ariel? Maybe it's his prejudices against humans? Perhaps this can be brought to the forefront, since then it shows the Fae have their own beliefs about humans just like Ariel's brother/father had about the Fae? I'm a bit confused about the motivations of the King flipping, Fiachra, and Ariel at this point).

 

That night, Lóegaire helps Ariel escape into the woods.  He reveals with regret that he is her first would-be abductor.  Saving Ariel now is his attempt at penance.  Though initially horrified at the revelation, she is consoled by his kindness now.  When they find her family, and Vincent and Dom realize who Lóegaire is, Ariel defends him from them.  The King and his guards find them and demand Ariel’s return and execution.  Vincent urges him to rethink things.  Before the King can reply, Fiachra stabs his father in the back.  Ariel tackles Fiachra away from the King, and Lóegaire kills Fiachra.  Ariel, Vincent, and Dom help Méabh stop the King’s bleeding, as his death would send the Court into more turmoil. Besides, it’s the right thing to do. 

 

Méabh takes everyone back to the castle to await the King’s recovery.  Lóegaire explains that he chose Ariel because his sterility, a curse from the King as punishment for his illicit love for Méabh, had driven him to claim a human child to raise as his own (Could the sterility be foreshadowed earlier in the synopsis? Maybe when Meabh and Loegaire are introduced to Ariel?).  He had overheard Vincent's song sing to Ariel’s dying mother and taken advantage of Vincent's grief. Vincent’s vulnerability as he grieved. Ariel and her family accepts Lóegaire’s apologyearns him forgiveness from Ariel and her familyOvercome by ___, the King apologizes for not believing Ariel about Fiachra.and In return for saving his life, the King allows Ariel and her family return home. lets her and her family go home without further trouble.

 

Overall, I really enjoyed your synopsis (It's a book I'd totally pick up in a store). 



#93 Ireth

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Posted 11 August 2017 - 12:07 PM

Sixteen-year-old ARIEL HAWK has known the Fae exist all her life, thanks to one of them trying to abduct her as a baby.  On her way home from a Halloween party in her home city of Leeds, UK, Ariel argues with her friends about whether or not the Fae exist.  The argument draws the attention of FIACHRA, a prince of Faerie, who has come to Earth to find a bride.  Ariel’s looks entice him, and her knowledge of Fae intrigues him.  He overpowers Ariel’s friends, sedates Ariel and kidnaps her to Faerie.

 

VINCENT HAWK, Ariel’s widowed father, runs to save Ariel, but arrives too late.  He and his brother enter Faerie through Stonehenge to find and rescue Ariel.  Some Fae hinder them, while others help them; the dichotomy challenges their long-held prejudice.

 

Fiachra’s father, the King of the Winter Court, accepts Fiachra’s and Ariel’s engagement.  The wedding date is set for Midwinter Night, seven weeks away.  Ariel befriends healers and tailors, as well as MÉABH, Fiachra’s sister.  Slowly she learns that not all Fae are evil, even in the Winter Court—though Fiachra definitely is.  He alternates between trying to woo and subdue Ariel, who thwarts him at every turn.  She refuses to eat the immortality-giving fruit he tries to force-feed her, and throws off the hypnotic Glamour he uses to try to seduce her.  When Fiachra whips and bruises her for defying him, she finds comfort with her healer friend, who realizes Fiachra’s abuse and offers her sanctuary in the infirmary if he hurts her again.

 

Ariel warns the King that she suspects Fiachra is plotting to kill and usurp him after the marriage.  The King dismisses her concerns, assuming she’s exaggerating.  Undeterred, Ariel convinces Méabh to bring her along on a search through Faerie for Ariel’s family.  Méabh brings her ex-lover LÓEGAIRE too, both keen to destroy Fiachra’s relationship as he destroyed theirs.  But Fiachra snatches Ariel back to the castle, intent on marrying her at once despite her protests.  The King, seeing the truth that Ariel was kidnapped all along, tries to dissuade Fiachra from marrying her.  Meanwhile, Méabh rides on alone and finds Vincent and his brother; she speeds their progress to the castle, which helps them let go of their bigotry.

 

Fiachra goes behind the King’s back and rushes Ariel through wedding preparations.  He gives the tailors only three days to make both his and Ariel’s wedding clothes; Ariel helps them, both to keep them out of trouble and buy herself time to plan another escape.  But her plans come to nothing, as Fiachra shackles her to him just before the ceremony.  When she continues to fight him, Fiachra’s patience and sanity snap, and he tries to kill her instead.  She maims his eye in self-defense, making him ineligible to inherit the throne.  The King misreads the situation, rules her action attempted regicide, and ignores her confirmation of Fiachra’s plot.  Though Ariel begs him to take her home, he orders her execution and locks her in a dungeon.

 

That night, Ariel escapes into the woods with Lóegaire’s help.  He reveals with regret that he is her first would-be abductor, and saving her now is his attempt at penance.  When they find her family, and Vincent and his brother realize who Lóegaire is, Ariel defends him from them.  The King and his guards find them and demand Ariel’s execution.  Vincent urges him to rethink things.  Before the King can reply, Fiachra stabs his father in the back.  As Lóegaire kills Fiachra, Ariel chooses to help stop the King’s bleeding.\

 

Méabh takes everyone back to the castle to await the King’s recovery.  Lóegaire explains that he chose Ariel because his sterility, a curse to punish his illicit love for Méabh, had driven him to claim a human child to raise as his own.  He had overheard Vincent’s song to Ariel’s dying mother and taken advantage of Vincent’s grief.  Ariel and her family accept Lóegaire’s apology and forgive him.  Finally, the King apologizes for not believing Ariel about Fiachra’s plot.  In return for saving his life, he lets her and her family go home in peace.


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#94 samlat77

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Posted 16 August 2017 - 04:57 PM

Sixteen-year-old ARIEL HAWK has known the Fae exist all her life I think "her whole life" sounds better, thanks to one of them trying to abduct her as a baby.  On her way home from a Halloween party in her home city of Leeds, UK, Ariel argues with her friends about whether or not the Fae exist.  The argument draws the attention of FIACHRA, a prince of Faerie, who has come to Earth to find a bride.  Ariel’s looks entice him, and her knowledge of Fae intrigues him.  He overpowers Ariel’s friends, sedates Ariel and kidnaps her to Faerie.

 

VINCENT HAWK, Ariel’s widowed father, runs to save Ariel, but arrives too late.  He and his brother With his brother, they enter Faerie through Stonehenge to find and rescue Ariel.  Some Fae hinder them, while others help them; the dichotomy challenges their long-held prejudice. This whole sentence is just...weird.

 

Fiachra’s father, the King of the Winter Court, accepts Fiachra’s and Ariel’s engagement.  The wedding date is set for Midwinter Night, seven weeks away.  Ariel befriends healers and tailors, as well as MÉABH, Fiachra’s sister.  Slowly she learns that not all Fae are evil, even in the Winter Court—though Fiachra definitely is.  He alternates between trying to woo and subdue Ariel, who thwarts him at every turn.  She refuses to eat the immortality-giving fruit he tries to force-feed her, and throws off the hypnotic Glamour he uses to try to seduce her.  When Fiachra whips and bruises her for defying him, she finds comfort with her healer friend, who realizes Fiachra’s abuse and offers her sanctuary in the infirmary if he hurts her again.

 

Ariel warns the King that she suspects Fiachra is plotting to kill and usurp him after the marriage.  The King dismisses her concerns, assuming she’s exaggerating is there a better way to say this?.  Undeterred, Ariel convinces Méabh to bring her along on a search through Faerie for Ariel’s family.  Méabh brings her ex-lover LÓEGAIRE too, both keen to destroy Fiachra’s relationship as he destroyed theirs.  But Fiachra snatches Ariel back to the castle, intent on marrying her at once despite her protests.  The King, seeing the truth that Ariel was kidnapped all along, tries to dissuade Fiachra from marrying her.  Meanwhile, Méabh rides on alone and finds Vincent and his brother; she speeds their progress to the castle, which helps them let go of their bigotry. Okay, I get that these two brothers have issues, but they seem out of place here.

 

Fiachra goes behind the King’s back and rushes Ariel through wedding preparations.  He gives the tailors only three days to make both his and Ariel’s wedding clothes; Ariel helps them, both to keep them out of trouble and to buy herself time to plan another escape.  But her plans come to nothing, as Fiachra shackles her to him just before the ceremony.  When she continues to fight him, Fiachra’s patience and sanity snap, and he tries to kill her instead.  She maims his eye in self-defense, making him ineligible to inherit the throne.  The King misreads the situation, rules her action attempted regicide, and ignores her confirmation of Fiachra’s plot.  Though Ariel begs him to take her home, he orders her execution and locks her in a dungeon.

 

That night, Ariel escapes into the woods with Lóegaire’s help.  He reveals with regret that he is her first would-be abductor, and saving her now is his attempt at penance.  When they find her family, and Vincent and his brother realize who Lóegaire is, Ariel defends him from them.  The King and his guards find them and demand Ariel’s execution.  Vincent urges him to rethink things.  Before the King can reply, Fiachra stabs his father in the back.  As Lóegaire kills Fiachra, Ariel chooses to help stop the King’s bleeding.\

 

Méabh takes everyone back to the castle to await the King’s recovery.  Lóegaire explains that he chose Ariel because his sterility, a curse to punish his illicit love for Méabh, had driven him to claim a human child to raise as his own.  He had overheard Vincent’s song to Ariel’s dying mother and taken advantage of Vincent’s grief.  Ariel and her family accept Lóegaire’s apology and forgive him.  Finally, the King apologizes for not believing Ariel about Fiachra’s plot.  In return for saving his life, he lets her and her family go home in peace.

I hope I've helped even a little bit. Best of luck!



#95 galaxyspinner

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Posted 23 August 2017 - 02:47 PM

Sixteen-year-old ARIEL HAWK has known the Fae exist all her life, thanks to one of them trying to abduct her as a baby (Have you considered "...has known about the Fae ever since one tried to abduct her as a baby"?)(It's no longer standard to double-space after a sentence) On her way home from a Halloween party in her home city of Leeds, UK, Ariel argues with her friends about whether or not the Fae exist.  The argument draws the attention of FIACHRA, a prince of Faerie, who has come to Earth to find a bride.  Ariel’s looks entice him, and her knowledge of Fae intrigues him.  He overpowers Ariel’s friends, sedates Ariel and kidnaps her to Faerie.

 

VINCENT HAWK, Ariel’s widowed father, runs to save Ariel, but arrives too late (this sentence is comma-heavy; since it sounds like he's not truly "too late" in the grand scheme of things, maybe you could get away with nixing that last clause).  He and his brother enter Faerie through Stonehenge to find and rescue Ariel (You use Ariel's name three times in two sentences; consider mixing it up a bit).  Some Fae hinder them, while others help them; the dichotomy challenges their long-held prejudice.

 

Fiachra’s father, the King of the Winter Court, accepts Fiachra’s and Ariel’s engagement.  The wedding date is set for Midwinter Night, seven weeks away.  Ariel befriends healers and tailors, as well as MÉABH, Fiachra’s sister.  Slowly she learns that not all Fae are evil, even in the Winter Court—though Fiachra definitely is.  He alternates between trying to woo and subdue Ariel, who thwarts him at every turn.  She refuses to eat the immortality-giving fruit he tries to force-feed her, and throws off the hypnotic Glamour he uses to try to seduce her.  When Fiachra whips and bruises her for defying him, she finds comfort with her healer friend, who realizes Fiachra’s abuse and offers her sanctuary in the infirmary if he hurts her again.

 

Ariel warns the King that she suspects Fiachra is plotting to kill and usurp him after the marriage.  The King dismisses her concerns, assuming she’s exaggerating.  Undeterred, Ariel convinces Méabh to bring her along on a search through Faerie for Ariel’s family.  Méabh brings her ex-lover LÓEGAIRE too, both keen to destroy Fiachra’s relationship as he destroyed theirs.  But Fiachra snatches Ariel back to the castle, intent on marrying her at once despite her protests.  The King, seeing the truth that Ariel was kidnapped all along, (up until this point, I was trying to figure out just how much the king understood the situation, and now I'm wondering why he didn't understand better) tries to dissuade Fiachra from marrying her.  Meanwhile, Méabh rides on alone and finds Vincent and his brother; she speeds their progress to the castle, which helps them let go of their bigotry.

 

Fiachra goes behind the King’s back and rushes Ariel through wedding preparations.  He gives the tailors only three days to make both his and Ariel’s wedding clothes; Ariel helps them, both to keep them (her and Fiachra?) out of trouble and buy herself time to plan another escape (she's helping him expedite the process in order to buy herself time?).  But her plans come to nothing, as Fiachra shackles her to him (I'd go with "himself" here) just before the ceremony.  When she continues to fight him, Fiachra’s patience and sanity snap, and he tries to kill her instead.  She maims his eye in self-defense, making him ineligible to inherit the throne.  The King misreads the situation, rules her action attempted regicide, and ignores her confirmation of Fiachra’s plot.  Though Ariel begs him to take her home, he orders her execution and locks her in a dungeon.

 

That night, Ariel escapes into the woods with Lóegaire’s help.  He reveals with regret that he is her first would-be abductor (maybe "the fae who tried to abduct her as a baby", just to make sure we remember that plot point), and saving her now is his attempt at penance.  When they find her family, and Vincent and his brother (my instinct is that I want these characters to be referred to as "her father and uncle" here; they haven't come up in a while, and it helps to be reminded who they are in very clear terms) realize who Lóegaire is, Ariel defends him from them.  (paragraph break, perhaps?) The King and his guards find them and demand Ariel’s execution.  Vincent urges him to rethink things.  Before the King can reply, Fiachra stabs his father in the back.  As Lóegaire kills Fiachra, Ariel chooses to help stop the King’s bleeding.

 

Méabh takes everyone back to the castle to await the King’s recovery.  Lóegaire explains that he chose Ariel because his sterility, a curse to punish his illicit love for Méabh, had driven him to claim a human child to raise as his own.  He had overheard Vincent’s song to Ariel’s dying mother and taken advantage of Vincent’s grief.  Ariel and her family accept Lóegaire’s apology and forgive him.  Finally, the King apologizes for not believing Ariel about Fiachra’s plot.  In return for saving his life, he lets her and her family go home in peace.


Are you an actress looking for a comedic monologue? Check out Lady Parts: 50 Monologues for Funny Actresses.


#96 Ireth

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Posted 23 August 2017 - 07:01 PM

Trying out how this works if I trim Loegaire out of the synopsis. Thoughts are appreciated.

 

Sixteen-year-old ARIEL HAWK has known the Fae exist her whole life, thanks to one of them trying to abduct her as a baby.  On her way home from a Halloween party in her home city of Leeds, UK, Ariel argues with her friends about whether the Fae exist.  The argument draws the attention of FIACHRA, a prince of Faerie, who has come to Earth to claim a bride.  Ariel’s looks entice him, her knowledge of Fae intrigues him, and her friends’ disbelief incenses him.  He overpowers Ariel’s friends, sedates Ariel and kidnaps her to Faerie.

 

VINCENT HAWK, Ariel’s widowed father, arrives moments too late to save her.  He and his brother enter Faerie through Stonehenge to find and rescue her.  Some Fae hinder them, but others help them, challenging their long-held prejudice against all Fae.

 

Fiachra’s and Ariel’s wedding date is set for Midwinter Night, seven weeks away.  Ariel befriends a healer and a tailor, as well as MÉABH, Fiachra’s sister.  Slowly she learns that not all Fae are evil, even in the Winter Court—though Fiachra definitely is.  He alternates between attempts to woo and subdue her, using hypnotic Glamour as well as enchanted, immortality-giving fruit, and has her whipped for daring to fight back.

 

Ariel tells Fiachra’s father, the King of the Winter Court, that Fiachra is abusing her, and that she suspects Fiachra is plotting to kill and usurp him after the marriage.  The King dismisses her concerns, assuming she’s exaggerating.  Undeterred, Ariel convinces Méabh to bring her along on a search through Faerie for Ariel’s family.  Méabh brings her ex-lover too, both keen to destroy Fiachra’s relationship as he destroyed theirs.  But Fiachra follows and snatches Ariel back to the castle, intent on marrying her at once despite her protests.  The King, seeing the truth that Ariel was kidnapped all along, tries to dissuade Fiachra from marrying her.  Meanwhile, Méabh rides on alone and finds Vincent and his brother; she speeds their progress to the castle, which helps them let go of their bigotry.

 

Fiachra goes behind the King’s back and rushes Ariel through wedding preparations.  He gives the tailors only three days to make both his and Ariel’s wedding clothes; Ariel helps them, both to keep the tailors out of trouble and as an excuse to stay away from Fiachra while she plans another escape.  But her plans come to nothing, as Fiachra shackles her to himself before dragging her off to the ceremony.

 

When she continues to fight him, Fiachra’s patience and sanity snap—he tries to kill her instead, insisting he can be king without a queen.  She stabs out his eye in self-defense.  As only those who are physically whole may inherit or keep the throne, this destroys any chance he had of becoming king, rightfully or not.  The King misreads the situation, rules her action attempted regicide, and ignores her when she confirms Fiachra’s plot.  Though Ariel begs him to take her home, he orders her execution and locks her in a dungeon to await the morning.

 

That night Ariel escapes into the woods with help from her Fae friends, including Méabh’s ex-lover, and joyfully reunites with her family.  But the King and his guards find them and demand Ariel’s execution.  Vincent urges him to rethink things.  Before the King can reply, Fiachra stabs his father in the back.  Méabh’s ex-lover kills Fiachra, but Ariel, unwilling to let anyone else suffer or die, chooses to help stop the King’s bleeding.

 

Méabh takes everyone back to the castle to await the King’s recovery.  When he is well enough, the King apologizes for not believing Ariel about Fiachra’s plot or abuse.  In return for saving his life, he lets her and her family go home in peace.


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#97 galaxyspinner

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Posted 23 August 2017 - 08:41 PM

I think that was a good idea. It's one fewer alien name to keep track of, and it lets you put more focus on the heart of the plot. The synopsis feels a bit stronger.


Are you an actress looking for a comedic monologue? Check out Lady Parts: 50 Monologues for Funny Actresses.


#98 Faltho

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Posted 10 October 2017 - 11:23 AM

 

 

Sixteen-year-old ARIEL HAWK has known the Fae exist her whole life, thanks to one of them trying to abduct her as a baby (I'm curious to see if this will come back up later in the synopsis).  On her way home from a Halloween party in her home city of Leeds, UK, Ariel argues with her friends about whether the Fae exist.  The argument draws the attention of FIACHRA, a prince of Faerie (Is this a city, a country, a castle, a world, a realm?), who has come to Earth to claim a bride.  Ariel’s looks entice him, her knowledge of Fae intrigues him, and her friends’ disbelief incenses him.  He overpowers Ariel’s friends (Not sure they would stand a chance against a Fae price, so overpower might be the wrong word?), sedates Ariel and kidnaps her to Faerie.

 

VINCENT HAWK, Ariel’s widowed father, arrives moments too late to save her.  He and his brother (If the brother isn't mentioned again, just toss him) enter Faerie through Stonehenge (I like this idea) to find and rescue her.  Some Fae hinder them, but others help them, challenging their long-held prejudice against all Fae (I think you might benefit from being a bit more specific here, what exactly do they help with?).

 

Fiachra’s and Ariel’s wedding date is set for Midwinter Night, seven weeks away.  Ariel befriends a healer and a tailor, as well as MÉABH (A lot of names so far, and I'm beginning to lose track just because of the naming style, which fits with the story), Fiachra’s sister.  Slowly she learns that not all Fae are evil, even in the Winter Court—though Fiachra definitely is.  He alternates between attempts to woo and subdue her, using hypnotic Glamour as well as enchanted, immortality-giving fruit, and has her whipped for daring to fight back (Pretty dark, whipping a sixteen-year-old).

 

Ariel tells Fiachra’s father, the King of the Winter Court, that Fiachra is abusing her, and that she suspects Fiachra (You've used his name 3 times in this sentence. It may read a bit better with less) is plotting to kill and usurp him after the marriage.  The King dismisses her concerns, assuming she’s exaggerating.  Undeterred, Ariel convinces Méabh to bring her along on a search through Faerie for Ariel’s family.  Méabh brings her ex-lover too (Does the ex-lover play a significant role? Just thinking this could be cut if needed), both keen to destroy Fiachra’s relationship as he destroyed theirs.  But Fiachra follows and snatches Ariel back to the castle, intent on marrying her at once despite her protests.  The King, seeing the truth that Ariel was kidnapped all along, tries to dissuade Fiachra from marrying her.  Meanwhile, Méabh rides on alone and finds Vincent and his brother; she speeds their progress to the castle, which helps them let go of their bigotry.

 

Fiachra goes behind the King’s back and rushes Ariel through wedding preparations.  He gives the tailors only three days to make both his and Ariel’s wedding clothes; Ariel helps them, both to keep the tailors out of trouble and as an excuse to stay away from Fiachra while she plans another escape.  But her plans come to nothing, as Fiachra shackles her to himself before dragging her off to the ceremony. (I'm thinking you could get away with leaving this out)

 

When she continues to fight him, Fiachra’s patience and sanity snap—he tries to kill her instead (This is sort of implied by the rest of the sentence), insisting he can be king without a queen.  She stabs out his eye in self-defense.  As only those who are physically whole may inherit or keep the throne, this destroys any chance he had of becoming king, rightfully or not.  The King misreads (Hmm misreads feels a little weird here, though it might just be me) the situation, rules her action attempted regicide, and ignores her when she confirms Fiachra’s plot.  Though Ariel begs him to take her home, he orders her execution and locks her in a dungeon to await the morning.

 

That night Ariel escapes into the woods with help from her Fae friends, including Méabh’s ex-lover, and joyfully reunites with her family.  But the King and his guards find them and demand Ariel’s execution.  Vincent urges him to rethink things.  Before the King can reply, Fiachra stabs his father in the back.  Méabh’s ex-lover kills Fiachra, but Ariel, unwilling to let anyone else suffer or die, chooses to help stop the King’s bleeding.

 

Méabh takes everyone back to the castle to await the King’s recovery.  When he is well enough, the King apologizes for not believing Ariel about Fiachra’s plot or abuse.  In return for saving his life, he lets her and her family go home in peace.

 

This is a very good query all in all. I can tell you've done lots and lots of revisions, and most of this is spot on.

 

However, I was told once on this site that a synopsis isn't just the re-telling of a story it's a chance to explore an emotional journey. Now, like all advice on this site, I have no idea if that's true or not. But, this storyline really gives you the perfect opportunity to delve into the possible emotional roller coaster of being kidnapped, beaten, and almost forced into marriage. So, this is a possibility if your query seems to be going nowhere with agents. Just a thought :smile:






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