Jump to content

Disclaimer



Photo
- - - - -

MOONHUNTER (YA xenofiction)


  • Please log in to reply
11 replies to this topic

#1 Ireth

Ireth

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 1,789 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationCanada

Posted 25 April 2014 - 05:32 PM

This is a very, VERY preliminary query for a new-ish project that's bubbling in my head. I know it's probably not wise to give too much attention to the query when I've barely started writing the book, but I'm curious as to what people think of the plot. Any and all critique is appreciated. Thanks!

 

Revision #2 in post #9

 

Dear Agent:

 

Vádas isn't the first wolf to notice his people's way of life crumbling around them. One by one they're losing their powers of speech and thought, reverting to the bestial state from which their goddess' blessing lifted them. Vádas is determined to stop it. Along with a few of his packmates, he leaves home with one goal in mind. If they can find the fallen Moon and bring Her back to life, maybe Her blessing will return to the wolves. The only problem is, not one of them knows where to look.

 

Venturing across the world brings Vádas and his packmates into unknown lands full of unknown dangers. As other wolves join in their quest, they draw the eyes of more than just their kind. Sun and Night, the gods who cast down Moon in ages past, are determined not to let Her rise again. The wolves' success may spark a war between them and the gods—a war that will destroy them along with the world as they know it.

 

MOONHUNTER is a ##,000-word YA xenofiction with series potential. Thank you for your time and consideration.


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#2 Charlee Vale

Charlee Vale

    I love tea.

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 284 posts
  • Literary Status:industry insider, media
  • LocationUS Northeast
  • Publishing Experience:My short story 'A Gift of Roses' appears in Elephant Bookshelf Press' new anthology Winter's Regret. (Mar. 2014)

Posted 25 April 2014 - 05:59 PM

What is Xenofiction?


"My face in thine eye, thine in mine appears. And true plain hearts do in the faces rest. Where can we find two better hemispheres? Without sharpe North, without declining west. Whatever dies was not mix'd equally. If our two loves be one and thou and I love so alike, that none can slacken, none can die." --John Donne

#3 Ireth

Ireth

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 1,789 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationCanada

Posted 25 April 2014 - 06:01 PM

What is Xenofiction?

 

Books focusing on animals rather than humans/humanoids. Like Watership Down, Warrior Cats, Redwall, the Welkin Weasels, etc.


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#4 Jessica Suphan

Jessica Suphan

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 7 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 25 April 2014 - 06:21 PM

Hey there! I'm not published or anything, and I actually have a query up here a few down from you, the dystopian one, but I'll do my best to help.

 

Dear Agent:

 

Vádas isn't the first wolf to notice his people's way of life crumbling around them. (Might want to add how others are reacting to it, we know that they've noticed but we don't know how they react or feel) One by one they're losing their powers of speech and thought, reverting to the bestial state from which their goddess' blessing (Who's the goddess? From reading the sentence after next I could hazard she's the Moon but I'm not sure, and you don't want agents or editors to be confused. I do like the phrase "from which their goddess' blessing lifted them" though, that's good.) lifted them. Vádas is determined to stop it. Along with a few of his packmates, he leaves home with one goal in mind. If they can find the fallen Moon and bring Her back to life, maybe Her blessing will return to the wolves. (I see from further down it's Sun and Night that cast Her down but why? You might not add in too much for fear of giving away some of the story, but a bit of reference to when, where, or how would be interesting and may spark more interest, and that could go here or in the next paragraph where you talk about it.) The only problem is, not one of them knows where to look.

 

Venturing across the world brings Vádas and his packmates into unknown lands full of unknown dangers. As other wolves join in their quest, they draw the eyes of more than just their kind. Sun and Night, the gods who cast down Moon in ages past, are determined not to let Her rise again. The wolves' success may spark a war between them and the gods—a war that will destroy them along with the world as they know it. (This whole little paragraph is good, I like how you worded it a lot.)

 

MOONHUNTER is a ##,000-word YA xenofiction with series potential. (Personalize it a bit here-say why you chose this agent or publishing house so they know you did research and that this isn't just a form you send everywhere.) Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

You've definitely got a good start on this, and it might come smoother once you've written more-I know that's how it's worked with my novella. And the plot sounds really interesting! I'm a huge fan of the Warrior Cats series, and this sounds like something I would read.

 

~Jessica



#5 Ireth

Ireth

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 1,789 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationCanada

Posted 25 April 2014 - 10:16 PM

First revision, with commentary:

 

Dear Agent:

 

Vádas isn't the first wolf to notice his kind's way of life crumbling around them. One by one they are losing the power of speech and thought, reverting to the bestial state from which Moon, their goddess, lifted them. Vádas' father has all but given up on the hope of renewal that his mother clings to, and his brothers and sisters bicker over. [I added the bits about his family mainly to give a sense of other wolves' reactions, but I'm not sure it works, since they aren't mentioned in the query again. Thoughts?] As for Vádas himself, he's angry and determined to stop the regression.

 

Along with a few of his packmates, Vádas leaves home with one goal in mind. If they can find the fallen Moon and bring Her back to life, maybe Her blessing will return to the wolves. Every wolf knows that Sun and Night, the jealous elder gods, cast Sun's little sister Moon from the sky in generations past. [I kept the sense of time vague since I'm not sure how a wolf would perceive time without the benefits us humans have like calendars and clocks. Does it work?] But versions of the tale differ on why, and none tell where She fell. And even if they find Her, none of the wolves has any idea how to bring Her back.

 

As other wolves join their quest, they draw the eyes of more than just their kind. Sun and Night are determined not to let Moon rise again, lest She seek to usurp them. The wolves' success may spark a war between them and the elder gods—a war that will destroy them and the world as they know it.

 

MOONHUNTER is a ##,000-word YA xenofiction with series potential. Thank you for your time and consideration.


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#6 dwalsh

dwalsh

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 31 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 26 April 2014 - 03:39 PM



First revision, with commentary:

 

Dear Agent:

 

Vádas isn't the first wolf to notice his kind's way of life crumbling around them. One by one they are losing the power of speech and thought, reverting to the bestial state from which Moon, their goddess, lifted them. Vádas' father has all but given up on the hope of renewal that his mother clings to, and his brothers and sisters bicker over. [I added the bits about his family mainly to give a sense of other wolves' reactions, but I'm not sure it works, since they aren't mentioned in the query again. Thoughts? I think that it was clearer and more streamlined without it.] As for Vádas himself, he's angry and determined to stop the regression.

 

Along with a few of his packmates, Vádas leaves home with one goal in mind. If they can find the fallen Moon and bring Her back to life, maybe Her blessing will return to the wolves. Every wolf knows that Sun and Night, the jealous elder gods, cast Sun's little sister, Moon, from the sky in generations past. [I kept the sense of time vague since I'm not sure how a wolf would perceive time without the benefits us humans have like calendars and clocks. Does it work? I think that it's fine.] But versions of the tale differ on why, and none tell where She fell. And even if they find Her, none of the wolves has any idea how to bring Her back.

 

As other wolves join their quest, they draw the eyes of more than just their kind. Sun and Night are determined not to let Moon rise again, lest She seek to usurp them. The wolves' success may spark a war between them and the elder gods—a war that will destroy them and the world as they know it.

 

MOONHUNTER is a ##,000-word YA xenofiction with series potential. Thank you for your time and consideration.

I like your first query much more. Here, you introduce the conflict between Sun, Night, and Moon twice instead of once, which is confusing. That in particular worked better in the first query. The other big thing that I'm confused about is whether this is set in our universe or some alternative one. As part of that, I'm wondering if these are anthropomorphic wolves that communicate like how people communicate or if they are regular wolves that you're giving interiority to. If it's the latter, how are they being affected by the disappearance of the Moon? Just some things to think about. Good luck!



#7 Ireth

Ireth

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 1,789 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationCanada

Posted 26 April 2014 - 04:42 PM

I like your first query much more. Here, you introduce the conflict between Sun, Night, and Moon twice instead of once, which is confusing. That in particular worked better in the first query. The other big thing that I'm confused about is whether this is set in our universe or some alternative one. As part of that, I'm wondering if these are anthropomorphic wolves that communicate like how people communicate or if they are regular wolves that you're giving interiority to. If it's the latter, how are they being affected by the disappearance of the Moon? Just some things to think about. Good luck!

 

Thanks for your comments! This is set in an alternate world without humans or other similar races, only animals. The wolves are regular wolves (aside from their sapience and speech), not anthropomorphic. As for how they're affected by the Moon's disappearance, I had thought that was clear in the query itself. They're reverting to mindless beasts without Her lingering blessing, and they're not happy about it. The Moon is literally their goddess, not a hunk of rock floating in the sky, so it's not as if the lack of it has any effect on the tides or suchlike.


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#8 dwalsh

dwalsh

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 31 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 26 April 2014 - 05:00 PM

Okay, I was thinking that if this was set in our world and the wolves weren't anthropomorphic then they would just be wolves and wouldn't be any more or less self-aware with or without the Moon. In that scenario the fiction would be that wolves are fully self-aware even though they don't seem to be to us. So, that's what I was confused about. I get it now. You're saying that it would be like if people were only fully sentient beings by virtue of the blessing of the Sun god and were losing that ability in its absence. I would maybe just clarify somewhere that this is an alternate world. That should make it clearer.



#9 Ireth

Ireth

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 1,789 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationCanada

Posted 03 May 2014 - 01:32 PM

Dear Agent:

 

Vádas isn't the first wolf in the world of Gilva to see their livelihood crumbling. One by one the wolves are losing their powers of speech and thought, reverting to the bestial state from which their goddess, Moon, lifted them. Vádas is determined to stop the regression. Along with a few of his packmates, he leaves home with one goal in mind. If they can find the fallen Moon and bring Her back to life, maybe Her blessing will return. The only problem is, not one of them knows where to look.

 

Venturing across the world brings Vádas and his packmates into unknown lands full of unknown dangers. As other wolves join in their quest, they draw the eyes of more than just their kind. Sun and Night, the jealous elder gods who cast Moon down generations ago, are determined not to let Her rise again, lest She usurp them. The wolves' success may spark a war between them and the elder gods—a war that will destroy them along with the world as they know it.

 

MOONHUNTER is a ##,000-word YA fantasy with series potential. It will appeal to fans of David Clement-Davies' THE SIGHT and FELL. Thank you for your time and consideration.


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#10 JLowther

JLowther

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 35 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 03 May 2014 - 02:28 PM

Dear Agent:

 

Vádas isn't the first wolf in the world of Gilva to seerealize their livelihoodway of life is crumbling(maybe "threatened"?). One by one, the wolves are losing their powers of speech and thought, reverting to the bestial state from which their goddess, Moon, had lifted(maybe "elevated"?) them. Vádas is determined to stop the regression. Along with a few of his packmates, Vádas leaves home with one goal in mind: stop the regression. If they can find the fallen Moon and bringreturn Her back to life, maybe Her blessing will return ("as well"?). The only problem is, not one of them knows where to lookfind her.

 

Venturing across the world brings Vádas and his packmates into unknown lands full of unknown dangers. As other wolves join in their quest, they draw the eyes(maybe "attention"?) of more than just their kind. Sun and Night, the jealous elder gods who cast Moon down generations ago, are determined not to let Her rise again, lest She usurp them. The wolves' success maywill spark a war between them and the elder gods—a war that willmay destroy them along with the world as they know it. (I swapped the certainty in this sentence, but I could be wrong: the war may be the question and not the destruction)

 

MOONHUNTER is a ##,000-word YA fantasy with series potential. It will appeal to fans of David Clement-Davies' THE SIGHT and FELL. Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

Love the premise, BTW!



#11 Blooded Dragon

Blooded Dragon

    Dedicated cynic

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 208 posts
  • Literary Status:unagented
  • LocationUS West Coast

Posted 12 May 2014 - 03:24 AM

Dear Agent:

 

Vádas isn't the first wolf in the world of Gilva to see their livelihood crumbling. One by one the wolves are losing their powers of speech and thought, reverting to the bestial state from which their goddess, Moon, lifted them. Vádas is determined to stop the regression. Along with a few of his packmates, he leaves home with one goal in mind. If they can find the fallen Moon and bring Her back to life, maybe Her blessing will return. The only problem is, not one of them knows where to look.

 

Venturing across the world brings Vádas and his packmates into unknown lands full of unknown dangers (I wouldn't use "unknown" twice in a row, it stands out too much. Maybe say strange or foreign lands full of unknown dangers. In fact, if they know nothing about the lands the fact the dangers are unknown is also implied). As other wolves join in their quest, they draw the eyes of more than just their kind (This last sentence seems a bit clumsy. I would say something like as the wolf-pack's numbers swell, they begin to draw attention from malevolent forces) . Sun and Night, the jealous elder gods who cast Moon down generations ago, are determined not to let Her rise again, lest She usurp them. The wolves' success may spark a war between them and the elder gods—a war that will destroy them along with the world as they know it.

 

MOONHUNTER is a ##,000-word YA fantasy with series potential. It will appeal to fans of David Clement-Davies' THE SIGHT and FELL. Thank you for your time and consideration.


"Brave, unconcerned, mocking, violent--thus wisdom wants us: she is a woman and loves only a warrior."

-Friedrich Nietzsche, Thus Spoke Zarathustra-On Reading and Writing

#12 bookgirl_kt

bookgirl_kt

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 274 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS Northeast
  • Publishing Experience:Completed my first book, and trying to get published.

Posted 10 June 2015 - 11:35 PM

I like this! I tried to tighten a bit.

 

Dear Agent:

 

Vádas isn't the first wolf in the world of Gilva to see their livelihood crumbling. One by one the wolves of Gilva are losing their powers of speech and thought, reverting to the bestial state from which their goddess, Moon, lifted them. Vádas is determined to stop the regression. Along with a few of his packmates, he leaves home with one goal in mind. If they can find the fallen Moon and bring Her back to life, maybe Her blessing will return. The only problem is, not one of them knows where to look.

 

Venturing across the world brings Vádas and his packmates into unknown lands full of unknown dangers. As other wolves join in their quest, they draw the eyes of more than just their kind. Sun and Night, the jealous elder gods who cast Moon down generations ago, are determined not to let Her rise again, lest She usurp them. The wolves' success may spark a war with  between them and the elder gods—a war that will destroy them along with the world as they know it.

 

MOONHUNTER is a ##,000-word YA fantasy with series potential. It will appeal to fans of David Clement-Davies' THE SIGHT and FELL. Thank you for your time and consideration.






0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users