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Low Road (historical fantasy/vampire)


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#1 Ireth

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Posted 26 April 2014 - 11:25 AM

After much poking and prodding, this is what I've got so far. Comments are appreciated. :)

 

Newborn vampire Ólan must choose whether to taint his soul by drinking human blood, or risk death at Lord Conall's hands for refusing it.


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#2 CS_W

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    "A Courtroom of Ashes" on Amazon
    "From the Stars" To be released.

Posted 27 April 2014 - 09:13 AM

Hi Ireth,

 

Sounds a bit too generic. I've read a bunch of stories that dealt with the same problem (vampire not wanting to feed on human blood). What makes your story stand out? Maybe there's an element of Olan that makes him stand out, no matter how tiny. A crappy example:  

 

Olan, a vegan human boy, never expected to be turned into a newborn vampire. Olan must abandon his previous values and drink human blood, or risk death at Lord Conall's hands for refusing to be a proper vampire.

 

Good luck!



#3 Ireth

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Posted 27 April 2014 - 11:04 AM

Hi Ireth,

 

Sounds a bit too generic. I've read a bunch of stories that dealt with the same problem (vampire not wanting to feed on human blood). What makes your story stand out? Maybe there's an element of Olan that makes him stand out, no matter how tiny. A crappy example:  

 

Olan, a vegan human boy, never expected to be turned into a newborn vampire. Olan must abandon his previous values and drink human blood, or risk death at Lord Conall's hands for refusing to be a proper vampire.

 

Good luck!

 

My intent with this is to have the "tainted soul" bit as what stands out. I haven't read many, if any, vampire stories that go that route -- most just use drinking from humans as the default, or a reason for wangst, not a literal force of corruption.


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#4 CS_W

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    "A Courtroom of Ashes" on Amazon
    "From the Stars" To be released.

Posted 27 April 2014 - 12:22 PM

But why drinking human blood taints a vampire's soul? Why is it a force of corruption? Is it because he has to murder humans to feed? Or can he just feed and not kill them? The human body has an absurd amount of blood, I don't think vampires would need to kill humans to properly feed. Is killing humans a rule this Lord Conall made?

 

Maybe you could explain a bit better what drinking blood does and how it taints a vampire's soul and then you got it ; )



#5 Ireth

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Posted 27 April 2014 - 05:16 PM

But why drinking human blood taints a vampire's soul? Why is it a force of corruption? Is it because he has to murder humans to feed? Or can he just feed and not kill them? The human body has an absurd amount of blood, I don't think vampires would need to kill humans to properly feed. Is killing humans a rule this Lord Conall made?

 

Maybe you could explain a bit better what drinking blood does and how it taints a vampire's soul and then you got it ; )

 

The corruptive nature of human blood has to do with the will of Morrigan, the goddess who created the vampires. Conall, the first vampire, became so when he drank his wife's blood in a last-ditch attempt to save himself after being poisoned. Morrigan decided he should be cursed to depend on blood for survival, and that drinking human blood, whether or not the human in question dies as a result, would corrupt him more and more with each victim. It isn't a "rule", per se, but as he grew more and more corrupt, Conall seemed to take it as one.

 

Unfortunately, I'm not sure I can fit all that into a hook and still keep the focus where it should be, on the MC.


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#6 havocride

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Posted 27 April 2014 - 06:11 PM

After much poking and prodding, this is what I've got so far. Comments are appreciated. :)

 

Newborn vampire Ólan must choose whether to taint his soul by drinking human blood, or risk death at Lord Conall's hands for refusing it.

 

First, I really LOVE the combo "newborn vampire"!!  Awesome.

But yeah, I'm sure it's frustrating because I also agree with what people are saying and why they feel the hook reads generic. Perhaps it's because we don't have the backstory of "tainted souls" and such. In truth, we shouldn't need it. Maybe go for simple construction for us pedestrians? as in Newborn vampire Ólan isn't like his brethren. He'd rather die at the hands of Lord Conall than taint his soul with human blood."  Eh?



#7 Ireth

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Posted 27 April 2014 - 06:15 PM

First, I really LOVE the combo "newborn vampire"!!  Awesome.

But yeah, I'm sure it's frustrating because I also agree with what people are saying and why they feel the hook reads generic. Perhaps it's because we don't have the backstory of "tainted souls" and such. In truth, we shouldn't need it. Maybe go for simple construction for us pedestrians? as in Newborn vampire Ólan isn't like his brethren. He'd rather die at the hands of Lord Conall than taint his soul with human blood."  Eh?

 

Hmm... that doesn't quite work either. Ólan isn't unique in his desire not to feed from humans; many other newborns feel the same way. And he doesn't want to die, either, by Conall's hands or otherwise. He wants to live without having to feed on human blood, and protect those he loves while he's at it.


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#8 CS_W

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    "A Courtroom of Ashes" on Amazon
    "From the Stars" To be released.

Posted 28 April 2014 - 06:18 AM

I agree with havocride. Compiling your story into one or two sentences is hard for all of us, but it must be done.

 

You don't necessarily need to explain everything in detail, but you do need to sum the biggest conflict in an effective way. And you only get that by re-writing your pitch.

 

You're free to try the one you already have, but I don't see it grabbing reader's attention. Then again, I could be wrong and it could work, it's a very subjective business. In the end, you need to do what feels best to you.



#9 Diane Holiday

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Posted 28 April 2014 - 07:47 AM

I actually really like the hook. To me, it gets right to the conflict. The only thing I would suggest (and by the way, I am just a random person reading this, not a publisher, agent or editor so take this with a grain of salt) is that maybe you could add a couple words about why the tainting would be bad. If it means being doomed to a life of having to kill humans, that would add a little pizazz to the hook. 

 

 

 

Newborn vampire Ólan must choose whether to taint his soul by drinking human blood, and be doomed to a life of killing others to live, or risk dying himself at Lord Conall's hands for refusing it.

 

Good luck! Sounds like an interesting book.



#10 Ireth

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Posted 08 June 2014 - 12:59 AM

Something that literally just popped into my head -- possible hook for use in my query.

 

Olan always imagined death would be peaceful. He's wrong -- it's more dangerous than his life ever was.


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#11 maybo

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Posted 11 June 2014 - 08:14 PM

Hi, I like the last hook. 






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