7 replies to this topic

[Ireth]

Revision #1 in post #4

 

Synopsis

 

In fourteenth-century Scotland, vampires (called sumairach fala) inhabit the country alongside humans, and have done so for hundreds of years.

 

In 1360, twenty-three-year-old ÓLAN STEWART lives with his parents and siblings on a farm outside of Edinburgh. When he is killed by a vampire [not sure if I should use that word or "sumair fala" (singular of "sumairach fala") -- thoughts?] and rises from his grave as one himself, he leaves his human family behind and seeks solitude in Eilean Donan castle.

 

Soon after settling into the castle, Ólan finds CIARAN, an older vampire whose eyes have been burned out, left abandoned on the moors. Deciding friendship is better than solitude, Ólan takes Ciaran in and cares for him. As he recovers, Ciaran explains to Ólan about their curse, and shows him that vampires who drink human blood transform into hideous winged demons when exposed to full direct sunlight. Ólan resolves never to succumb to such temptation himself.

 

In 1362, a human clan seeks refuge at the castle. Ólan is initially reluctant, but he lets them stay in hopes that the benefits for everyone—increased security for the humans, and a steady supply of blood for the vampires, from the wolves who would otherwise prey on the livestock—will outweigh the drawbacks and temptation of human blood for him and Ciaran.

 

A hateful clansman discovers the vampires' secret, and tries to murder Ciaran while threatening to expose them to the other humans. Ólan drives him out and hunts him down, intending to kill him without tasting his blood. Another vampire intercepts the hunt and steals the kill. Thinking Ólan meant to drain the clansman's blood, the vampire takes him to the City, an underground haven ruled by CONALL, the forefather and self-appointed Lord of Scotland's vampires.

 

When Ólan discovers his father is among the human captives kept as food, he flees the City with his father via an underground river. They come ashore in a labyrinth of tunnels, which eventually return them to the surface. Ólan sees his father safely home, then heads back to Eilean Donan. En route to the castle, Conall and his followers accost Ólan, demanding recompense for his "theft" of his father. Conall's right-hand vampire helps Ólan escape and flee.

 

Ólan reaches the castle in a raging thirst, having not stopped to rest or feed along the way. When he nearly bites a human child in desperation, his secret is exposed, and the clan turns on him. He tries in vain to make a truce with them, knowing Conall's pursuit of him is a greater danger to all. Conall arrives at the castle soon after, and demands Ólan be brought to him for justice. Ólan and Ciaran, having barricaded themselves to escape the clan, fight Conall when he bursts in on them.

 

Conall recognizes Ciaran, and reveals him as Ólan's killer. Ciaran confesses his love for Ólan just before sacrificing himself to protect him. Ólan kills Conall in revenge before collapsing from his wounds. Ciaran is resurrected as a human because of his sacrifice. He and Ólan discuss their relationship as Ólan recovers, and they decide to take things slow between them.

 

Conall's right-hand vampire, now Lord of the City, offers Ólan the right-hand position, seeing his potential to change the City for the better alongside him. Ólan takes a low rank instead, to work his way up through the levels of society and bring the changes with him.

[humandancer]

Hi, overall I think this is pretty concise and a good summing-up of the story. As you can see most of my comments are just minor suggestions about phrasing, etc, rather than anything big. The only other thing is that there are a few more little details I would like to know more about.

Hope this helps. 

 

In fourteenth-century Scotland, vampires (called sumairach fala) inhabit the country alongside humans, and have done so for hundreds of years.

 

In 1360, twenty-three-year-old ÓLAN STEWART lives with his parents and siblings on a farm outside of Edinburgh. When he is killed by a vampire [not sure if I should use that word or "sumair fala" (singular of "sumairach fala") -- thoughts?] (personally, I think if you were to stick with vampire it would be ok, but then again you don’t really need the brackets above if you don’t use the term above again. If I were you I would probably go with whichever term you use in the actual novel and stick with that throughout (keeping the explanation if you use the Scottish term)) and rises from his grave as one himself, he leaves his human family behind and seeks solitude in Eilean Donan castle.

 

Soon after settling into the castle, Ólan finds CIARAN, an older vampire whose eyes have been burned out, left abandoned on the moors (this sentence is a little long, so I might leave out the thing about the eyes and just say wounded and abandoned, or otherwise maybe split it up). Deciding friendship is better than solitude, Ólan takes Ciaran in and cares for him. As he recovers, Ciaran explains to Ólan about their curse, and shows him that vampires who drink human blood transform into hideous winged demons when exposed to full direct sunlight. Ólan resolves never to succumb to such temptation himself. (Just wondering, is there more of a reason these particular vampires are determined to resist their new nature e.g. is it unusual for them to have held onto some of their humanity, because otherwise I think, why wouldn’t they just succumb to it?)

 

In 1362, (don’t know if you need the second date – the first one is good to explain the historical setting but then you could just say; a few years later or after some time) a human clan seeks refuge at the castle. Ólan is initially reluctant, but he lets them stay in hopes that the benefits for everyone—increased security for the humans, and a steady supply of blood for the vampires, (I think you could reword this bit, because reading straight on from humans you first think ‘human blood’? and then only afterwards do you get the explanation about the wolves) from the wolves who would otherwise prey on the livestock—will outweigh the drawbacks and temptation of human blood for him and Ciaran.

 

A hateful clansman discovers the vampires' secret, and tries to murder Ciaran while threatening to expose them to the other humans. Ólan drives him out and hunts him down, intending to kill him without tasting his blood. Another vampire intercepts the hunt and steals the kill. Thinking Ólan meant to drain the clansman's blood, the vampire takes him to the City, an underground haven ruled by CONALL, the forefather and self-appointed Lord of Scotland's vampires.

 

When Ólan discovers his father is among the human captives kept as food, he flees the City with his father via an underground river. They come ashore in a labyrinth of tunnels, which eventually return them to the surface. Ólan sees his father safely home, then heads back to Eilean Donan. En route to the castle, Conall and his followers accost Ólan, demanding recompense for his "theft" of his father. Conall's right-hand vampire helps Ólan escape and (they/ he flees?) flee. (also, what is the reason for this vampire helping him out?)

 

Ólan reaches the castle in a raging thirst, having not stopped to rest or feed along the way. When he nearly bites a human child in desperation, his secret is exposed, and the clan turns on him. He tries in vain to make a truce with them, knowing Conall's pursuit of him is a greater danger to all. Conall arrives at the castle soon after, and demands Ólan be brought to him for justice. Ólan and Ciaran, having barricaded themselves (in where?) to escape the clan, fight Conall when he bursts in on them.

 

Conall recognizes Ciaran, and reveals him as Ólan's killer. Ciaran confesses his love for Ólan just before sacrificing himself to protect him. (This bit seems a bit of a jump – if you were to add in that he maybe killed him in order to spend time with him also as a vampire, then it would be clearer) Ólan kills Conall in revenge before collapsing from his wounds. Ciaran is resurrected as a human because of his sacrifice. He and Ólan discuss their relationship as Ólan recovers, and they decide to take things slow between them.

 

Conall's right-hand vampire, now Lord of the City, offers Ólan the right-hand position, seeing his potential to change the City for the better alongside him. Ólan takes a low rank instead, to work his way up through the levels of society and bring the changes with him.

[Ireth]

Thanks for your thoughts, humandancer. :)

 

(personally, I think if you were to stick with vampire it would be ok, but then again you don’t really need the brackets above if you don’t use the term above again. If I were you I would probably go with whichever term you use in the actual novel and stick with that throughout (keeping the explanation if you use the Scottish term)) I agree. The word "vampire" is never used in the novel, because historically the word wasn't coined until many centuries later.

 

(Just wondering, is there more of a reason these particular vampires are determined to resist their new nature e.g. is it unusual for them to have held onto some of their humanity, because otherwise I think, why wouldn’t they just succumb to it?) They are far from the only vampires who resist their new nature, and in Ciaran's case he has already succumbed to drinking human blood twice at this point. It's common for vampires on their own not to have their first taste of human blood until years after they're turned, but once they've tasted it once it becomes that much harder to resist. Some do continue to resist (like Ciaran), while others say "screw it, this is what I am now" and stop caring (like Conall). It all depends on the person.

 

This bit seems a bit of a jump – if you were to add in that he maybe killed him in order to spend time with him also as a vampire, then it would be clearer No, he didn't. Ciaran didn't come to love Olan until they met in Eilean Donan and spent all that time together. Olan's murder was entirely unrelated to any emotional attachment. In all honesty, Ciaran's confession of love was a huge surprise to me while I was writing. He did drop subtle hints now and then, but I guess I didn't pick up on them. :P I'm still debating whether or not to play up the romance aspect in the next draft, or to keep the confession as a "Wham line".

[Ireth]

Vampires, called sumairach fala, cohabit Scotland with humans. In 1360, twenty-three-year-old ÓLAN STEWART lives with his parents and siblings on a farm outside of Edinburgh. When he is killed by a sumair fala and rises from his grave as one, he leaves his human family behind and seeks solitude in Eilean Donan castle.

 

Soon after settling into the castle, Ólan finds CIARAN, an older sumair fala, blinded and left to starve on the moors. Deciding friendship is better than solitude, Ólan takes Ciaran in and cares for him. As Ciaran adjusts to blindness, he explains their curse to Ólan, and shows him how drinking human blood gradually corrupts the bodies, souls and minds of sumairach fala. Ólan resolves never to succumb to such temptation.

 

Two years on, a human clan seeks refuge at the castle. Ólan is initially reluctant, but he lets them stay, hoping the benefits for everyone—security for the humans, and a supply of sheep, cow and wolf blood for the sumairach fala—will outweigh the drawback of temptation for the latter. But a hateful clansman discovers Ólan's and Ciaran's secret, and tries to kill Ciaran while threatening to expose them to the other humans.

 

Ólan drives the clansman out and hunts him down, meaning to kill him without tasting his blood. Another sumair fala intercepts the hunt and kills the clansman. Thinking Ólan meant to drain the human's blood, the sumair fala takes Ólan to the City, an underground haven ruled by CONALL, forefather and self-appointed Lord of their kind. Ólan also meets Conall's right-hand man, who has tried and failed for centuries to dissuade Conall from feeding humans to the City's citizens.

 

Ólan is horrified by the City folk's barbaric behavior, and more so to find his father among their human captives. When Conall orders him to kill his father, Ólan instead helps his father escape via an underground river. They navigate a labyrinth of tunnels and eventually find the surface. Ólan brings his father safely home, then returns to Eilean Donan. En route to the castle, Conall and his followers accost Ólan, demanding recompense for the "theft" of his father. Conall's right-hand man helps Ólan escape, determined not to let Conall take another victim, living or undead.

 

Ólan reaches the castle in a raging thirst, having not stopped to rest or feed along the way. When he nearly bites a human child in desperation, his secret is exposed, and the clan turns on him. He tries in vain to make a truce with them, knowing Conall's pursuit of him is a danger to all. Conall soon reaches the castle, and demands Ólan be given to him. Ólan and Ciaran, having barricaded themselves in a tower to escape the clan, fight Conall when he bursts in on them.

 

Conall recognizes Ciaran, and reveals him as Ólan's murderer. Ciaran confesses his love for Ólan just before sacrificing himself to protect him. Though shocked at the revelation, Ólan kills Conall in revenge, then collapses from his wounds. Ciaran is resurrected as a human due to his sacrifice. He and Ólan discuss their relationship as Ólan heals, and they decide to take a new start.

 

Conall's right-hand man, now Lord of the City, offers Ólan the new right-hand position, seeing his potential to change the City for the better alongside him. Ólan takes a lower rank instead, to work his way up through the levels of society and bring the changes with him.

[Lisat]

Revision #1 in post #4

 

Synopsis

 

In fourteenth-century Scotland loving this idea already, vampires (called sumairach fala) inhabit the country alongside humans, and have done so for hundreds of years.

 

In 1360, twenty-three-year-old ÓLAN STEWART lives with his parents and siblings on a farm outside of Edinburgh. When he is killed by a vampire [not sure if I should use that word or "sumair fala" (singular of "sumairach fala") -- thoughts?] and rises from his grave as one himself, he leaves his human family behind and seeks solitude in Eilean Donan castle.

 

Soon after settling into the castle, Ólan finds CIARAN, an older vampire whose eyes have been burned out, left abandoned on the moors. Deciding friendship is better than solitude, Ólan takes Ciaran in and cares for him. As he recovers, Ciaran explains to Ólan about their curse, and shows him that vampires who drink human blood transform into hideous winged demons when exposed to full direct sunlight. Ólan resolves never to succumb to such temptation himself.

 

In 1362, a human clan seeks refuge at the castle. Ólan is initially reluctant, but he lets them stay in hopes that the benefits for everyone—increased security for the humans, and a steady supply of blood for the vampires, from the wolves who would otherwise prey on the livestock—will outweigh the drawbacks and temptation of human blood for him and Ciaran. this sentence started getting foggy after the first emdash

 

A hateful clansman discovers the vampires' secret, and tries to murder Ciaran while threatening to expose them to the other humans. Ólan drives him out and hunts him down, intending to kill him without tasting his blood. Another vampire intercepts the hunt and steals the kill. Thinking Ólan meant to drain the clansman's blood, the vampire takes him to the City, an underground haven ruled by CONALL, the forefather and self-appointed Lord of Scotland's vampires.

 

When Ólan discovers his father is among the human captives kept as food, he flees the City with his father via an underground river. They come ashore in a labyrinth of tunnels, which eventually return them to the surface. Ólan sees his father safely home, then heads back to Eilean Donan. En route to the castle, Conall and his followers accost Ólan, demanding recompense for his "theft" of his father. Conall's right-hand vampire helps Ólan escape and flee.

 

Ólan reaches the castle in a raging thirst, having not stopped to rest or feed along the way. When he nearly bites a human child in desperation, his secret is exposed, and the clan turns on him. He tries in vain to make a truce with them, knowing Conall's pursuit of him is a greater danger to all. Conall arrives at the castle soon after, and demands Ólan be brought to him for justice. Ólan and Ciaran, having barricaded themselves to escape the clan, fight Conall when he bursts in on them.

 

Conall recognizes Ciaran, and reveals him as Ólan's killer. Ciaran confesses his love for Ólan just before sacrificing himself to protect him. Ólan kills Conall in revenge before collapsing from his wounds. Ciaran is resurrected as a human because of his sacrifice. He and Ólan discuss their relationship as Ólan recovers, *and they decide to take things slow between them.* this feels like an afterthought, like it's something not very important tagged on...if it's a big enough deal, I'm make a bigger deal of it. If not, then maybe not include it...(I've deleted and retyped that last suggestion several times - ignore the suggestion if you like)

 

*Conall's right-hand vampire, now Lord of the City, offers Ólan the *right-hand position very confusing, seeing his potential to change the City for the better alongside him. Ólan takes a low rank instead, to work his way up through the levels of society and bring the changes with him.

The ending doesn't seem final enough - climax-like enough. I'd spruce it up a bit.

[Ireth]

Thanks for commenting, Lisa!

 

this sentence started getting foggy after the first emdash This is fixed in the version in post 4. :)

 

this feels like an afterthought, like it's something not very important tagged on...if it's a big enough deal, I'm make a bigger deal of it. If not, then maybe not include it...(I've deleted and retyped that last suggestion several times - ignore the suggestion if you like) I'm still debating whether or not to play up the romance in the second draft of the book. It really did come out of nowhere as I was writing.

 

The ending doesn't seem final enough - climax-like enough. I'd spruce it up a bit. It's not supposed to be a climax. It's a sequel-hook, in case I ever actually write a sequel. The fight with Conall is the climax.

[Lisat]

I've read version #4 now. Yay me! I have nothing to add - there's just the romance thing I still question. Either add more emphasis or take that little add-on off.

I forgot that the synopsis is typically a bit dry, so not having flash and bang in the ending two sentences of it is not a concern. Sorry about reading the wrong version :/

[Gee]

Vampires, called sumairach fala, cohabit Scotland with humans. In 1360, twenty-three-year-old ÓLAN STEWART lives with his parents and siblings on a farm outside of Edinburgh. When he is killed by a sumair fala and rises from his grave as one, he leaves his human family behind and seeks solitude in Eilean Donan castle.

 

Soon after settling into the castle, Ólan finds CIARAN, an older sumair fala, blinded and left to starve on the moors. Deciding friendship is better than solitude, Ólan takes Ciaran in and cares for him. As Ciaran adjusts to blindness, he explains their curse to Ólan, and shows him how drinking human blood gradually corrupts the bodies, souls and minds of sumairach fala. Ólan resolves never to succumb to such temptation.

 

Two years on, a human clan seeks refuge at the castle. Ólan is initially reluctant, but he lets them stay, hoping the benefits for everyone—security for the humans, and a supply of sheep, cow and wolf blood for the sumairach fala—will outweigh the drawback of temptation for the latter. But a hateful clansman discovers Ólan's and Ciaran's secret, and tries to kill Ciaran while threatening to expose them to the other humans.

 

Ólan drives the clansman out and hunts him down, meaning to kill him without tasting his blood. Another sumair fala intercepts the hunt and kills the clansman. Thinking Ólan meant to drain the human's blood, the sumair fala takes Ólan to the City, an underground haven ruled by CONALL, forefather and self-appointed Lord of their kind. (I lost the plot a bit here - not sure why drinking the blood drain relates to taking the underground city? Ólan also meets Conall's right-hand man, who has tried and failed for centuries to dissuade Conall from feeding humans to the City's citizens. (Still a bit confused - does Conall like Olan because he wanted to drink human blood? - maybe say something like assuming Olan to be a vampiric blood drinker like himself, Conall takes him etc)

 

Ólan is horrified by the City folk's barbaric behavior, and more so to find his father among their human captives. When Conall orders him to kill his father, Ólan instead helps his father escape via an underground river. They navigate a labyrinth of tunnels and eventually find the surface. Ólan brings his father safely home, then returns to Eilean Donan. En route to the castle, Conall and his followers accost Ólan, demanding recompense for the "theft" of his father. Conall's right-hand man helps Ólan escape, determined not to let Conall take another victim, living or undead.

 

Ólan reaches the castle in a raging thirst, having not stopped to rest or feed along the way. When he nearly bites a human child in desperation, his secret is exposed, and the clan turns on him. He tries in vain to make a truce with them, knowing Conall's pursuit of him is a danger to all. Conall soon reaches the castle, and demands Ólan be given to him. Ólan and Ciaran (who is this second character?), having barricaded themselves in a tower to escape the clan, they fight Conall when he bursts in on them.

 

Conall recognizes Ciaran (guessing now this is the right-handman - maybe stick to this as it is easier amongst all the fantasy names in a short synopsis like this), and reveals him as Ólan's murderer(Not sure when Olan died? or do you mean Carian is the sumair fala who turned him into a vampire?). Ciaran confesses his love for Ólan just before sacrificing himself to protect him (if he is already dead what is he saving him from? - eternal damnation?). Though shocked at the revelation, Ólan kills Conall in revenge, then collapses from his wounds. Ciaran is resurrected as a human due to his sacrifice. He and Ólan discuss their relationship as Ólan heals, and they decide to take a new start.

 

Conall's right-hand man, now Lord of the City, offers Ólan the new right-hand position (too many right hands), seeing his potential to change the City for the better alongside him. Ólan takes a lower rank instead, to work his way up through the levels of society and bring the changes with him.

Nice closure :)

 

I think I just misunderstood a few point here.but re-reading helped. You write some wonderful stories, but if you are anything like me you can't see the wood for the trees with your own synopsis after a while, so hopefully my comments helped. Just the death scene where I got a bit confused. I really need to find this nice closure sentence for me own :)

 

Would appreciate the return favour :) http://agentqueryconnect.com/index.php?/topic/22411-serenity-divided-scifi-synopsis/?p=275378