The Hugo family reigned as the governing power of Empire City, but it all came to a fiery end when a bomb exploded in their home. Stay present tense throughout the entire query. You need a snappier hook.
After the incident comma twelve-year-old Maxwell Hugo awakens in the care of his bodyguard, no comma Bradford, who managed to rescue him from the wreckage. Max is badly burned, can hardly walk, and looks nothing like himself. But the burns and scars aren’t the only change in Max's appearance--he’s been comatose for four years and is now sixteen. Why not start this when he wakes up and turn it into a hook? Like:
When sixteen-year-old Maxwell Hugo wakes up four years after his family home was bombed, he discovers his skin is scarred, his parents are dead, and his family no longer reigns over Empire City. (That isn't very catchy, but you get the point. It will set up the story and you can delete a lot of the unnecessary wordage.)
He’s also believed to be dead along with his parents. Uh, why do peeps think this? And if the parents are dead, who is paying Bradford the last 4 years?
Max wants his family’s killer brought to justice but can’t go to the police for risk of exposing his identity. Because if whoever was responsible for their murder finds out Max is still alive comma they’ll strike again. So instead, Bradford gives him the biggest ultimatum: live in hiding forever, or seek revenge.
Max chooses revenge.
With the help of Bradford, Max trains to become a ruthless fighter I thought he could barely walk and hunts down a trail of people tied to his parents’ murder. Along the way he makes an unlikely friendship with a sharp-tongued, homeless girl named Katsy who blackmails him into giving her a place to stay. Katsy, who can talk her way out of anything, dislikes Max’s punch-first way of solving problems and offers her skillset of wit and charm to get the information he wants out of people.
With the assistance of Katsy and Bradford, Max gradually uncovers the truth behind his family’s assassination. But as his hunt for information intensifies, he risks becoming like the ruthless killer you say prior that it is a trail of peeps tied to the murder, so you should say "killers" here. he’s sworn to bring to justice. He’s vowed never to take a life, when was this? when he was training to be a ruthless killer? seems contradictory. but as Bradford always tells him: It’s either kill or be-killed. If Max listens so closely to Bradford's every word, he wouldn't have vowed to never take a life, right? This sounds like a really good story. Keep at it and good luck!
THE VIGILANTE is a YA action/thriller complete at 70,000 words.
Thank you for your time and consideration.