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THE VIGILANTE (YA ACTION/THRILLER)

Fiction Young Adult Thrillers/Suspense

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#1 bhill010

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Posted 08 May 2014 - 11:25 PM

Hello! So I recently discovered there's a Synopsis critique section on this website--awesome! Writing a synopsis has always been a fear of mine, and I know what I have written needs much work. I just need feedback on what to do with this since I have little experience writing a synopsis. 
 
And as always I will reciprocate feedback on any synopsis/queries you want critiqued!
 
******Updated version below! Also in post #4!*******
-------------
(Synopsis comes to 1.5 pages)
 
 

Empire City is a metropolis separated into two distinct precincts. Upstate is home to the wealthy social and political elites; Downstate is for everyone else. While they are apart of one city, the only connection they share is the bridge that crosses both of their waters.

 

Max Hugo, the sheltered son of Empire City’s governor, aspires to be like his fearless bodyguard, Bradford, who is the strongest man he knows.For a surprise for his mother’s birthday, Max plans to get her a cake from her favorite childhood bakery. The bakery, however, is Downstate. Max’s father would never take him there, but there’s one person who would--Bradford.

 

Max and Bradford travel Downstate and retrieve the cake, but after narrowly escaping an ambush attempt on their car they manage to return home safely. Max manages to keep the birthday cake intact and surprises his delighted mother, but when she makes the first slice she detonates something hidden inside--a bomb. Max is thrown outside from the impact and blacks out.

 

Max wakes up in a Downstate apartment where he’s covered in bandages and strapped to an IV. Bradford, who’s now in a wheelchair after being paralyzed from the explosion, shares graves news: his home is gone, his parents didn’t survive the bombing, and, according to public records, neither did he. Bradford offers to rehabilitate Max and help him get the one thing he desires more than anything--revenge.

 

Max confronts the bakery owner who sold him the cake four years ago for information, but his punch-first style of interrogation finds him on the receiving end of a gun. Just when it seems his journey will end just after it began, a sharp-tongued homeless girl named Katsy persuades the owner to leave him be. In exchange for helping Max find whomever he’s looking for, Katsy wants a place to stay. While Max only agrees for the sake of her skillset of charm and persuasion, he notices her charm and wit yield better results than his own methods. Even more surprising, she seems to like him. And he doesn’t mind.

 

After tailing down the cake artist who made the cake and the messenger who delivered the bomb to him, Max and Katsy locate the bombmaker who constructed the very bomb used to kill Max’s family. Since Katsy’s non-violent methods have worked thus far, Max agrees with her plan of getting information from the bombmaker. But her plan fails miserably. The bombmaker sees through Katsy’s charm and reveals his own agenda for her in his bedroom. Max barges in and defends Katsy from his advances, but when a tussle ensues, Max unintentionally stabs the man and kills him--his first murder. Now their best lead is dead, and the hunt for the man who masterminded his parents murder is over.

 

Max cannot shake the image of killing someone, and Katsy is undone by the consequences she nearly faced by leading a man on. After Katsy questions Max on whether his hunt is worth both of their lives, he turns away from his thirst for vengeance and tries to move on. But shortly after his change of heart the two of them are kidnapped and taken to an abandoned warehouse. And it’s there that Max comes face-to-face with his parents’ killer--a crime boss named Poppa George.

 

The man whom Max killed turned out to be Poppa George’s nephew, and now he seeks the same revenge that Max does. But before Poppa George can begin his night of torture, Max and Katsy are rescued by a friend, Jewels, whom they met weeks earlier. The night is far from over, however, because when Katsy and Max return home they learn they weren’t the only targets of Poppa George that night--Bradford’s apartment was bombed.

 

Max never had the chance to apologize to Bradford for shunning his tactics, but he more than plans to make up for it. After learning that Poppa George is hosting a masquerade ball at an Upstate manor, Max and Katsy disguise themselves and show up in attendance. Poppa George, who foresaw them crashing their party, plans an ambush on Max and Katsy to end them once and for all. However, with the assistance of a very-much-alive-Bradford, Max escapes the attack and kills Poppa George in their final confrontation.

 

The authorities arrive at the party and arrest everyone who’s armed, including Max and Katsy. While being questioned by a detective, Max inquires as to how Poppa George, a notorious Downstate crime-boss, owned a manor Upstate. The detective is just as curious, and when he suspects an Upstate political leader arranged Poppa George’s admission Upstate, he asks if Max is interested in helping him bring down someone even bigger. Someone else may have been involved with his parents’ death. Max takes the offer.

 

Max couldn’t shake the feeling of killing his first person, but with the second, he felt nothing but satisfaction. As Max continues his path to getting justice for his parents and exposing all those involved, he suspects Poppa George won’t be his last victim.


THE VIGILANTE (YA action/thriller)

Query: http://agentquerycon...actionthriller/

Synopsis: http://agentquerycon...actionthriller/


#2 CFrances

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Posted 09 May 2014 - 03:20 PM

I am no query expert, but from what I've been reading in the effort to fix my own, this is way too long. This is more of a synopsis than a query. I'll direct you to Query Shark, where someone here sent me, and also to the Promise of the Hot Premise, by Alicia Rasley. After you look at those sites, rewrite it and post it again. Good luck!



#3 humandancer

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Posted 09 May 2014 - 04:05 PM

To the poster above – this is a synopsis isn’t it? Not a query.

 

To Bhill010 – as you can see from the comments, I don’t think there are any huge issues, except that you have space to add more detail towards the end. It doesn’t matter about giving the plot away in the synopsis so I think you could definitely include more about what the plans are they actually undertake.

Hope this helps

(also, since you have taken a look at my own query before, I wonder if you wouldn’t mind taking another look – at the latest revised version? Thank you)

 

The tale of Max Hugo’s transformation from a helpless boy to a fearless vigilante begins on Tuesday, October 27, 2002. (It’s just my opinion but I’m not really a fan of starting with the date – I think I understand why you’re using it – because of the jump of a few years within the story – but I think you could come up with a stronger way into it)

 

He’s just twelve years old when he contrives the idea to surprise his mother with a special cake from her favorite bakery as a child. However, the bakery is located Downstate--Empire City’s dangerous precinct that’s separated by a bridge from its civilized and wealthy neighbor, Upstate. Max and Bradford (need to explain that Bradford is the bodyguard – if I remember rightly from your query) travel Downstate and retrieve the cake, but after narrowly escaping an ambush attempt on their car they manage to return home safely. Max managed (manages) to keep the birthday cake intact and surprises his delighted mother, but when she makes the first slice she detonates something hidden inside--a bomb. 

 

Max wakes up in a Downstate apartment  where he’s covered in bandages and strapped to an IV. Bradford, who’s now in a wheelchair after being paralyzed from the explosion, shares graves news--his (Max’s) home is gone, his parents didn’t survive the bombing, and, according to public records, neither did he. Bradford offers to rehabilitate Max and get him (or help him?) the one thing he desires more than anything--revenge. 

 

After enduring Bradford’s grueling rehabilitation regimen, Bradford gives Max the only piece of information he has about his parent’s murder: 431 N. Logan St--the address of the bakery that sold him the cake-bomb four years ago.  

 

That one morsel of information is all Max needs to begin his hunt. 

 

But the hunt takes a turn when he meets a sharp tongued, homeless girl named Katsy. After she uses her charm and persuasion to save Max twice from grim situations, (and) he begins to rethink Bradford’s vicious approach to finding his killer. (Maybe you could add a bit about Katsy’s values, and why she wants to convince him to take a peaceful approach) Eventually he must decide to either trust Katsy or Bradford when they have different plans to apprehend a man with direct information about the killer. He sides with Katsy, whose plan ends up failing miserably. (what was her plan?)

 

The bombmaker  (also, how did they get from beginning the hunt to knowing who the bomb-maker is?) sees through Katsy’s charm and reveals his own agenda for her in his bedroom. Max barges in and defends Katsy from his advances, but when a tussle ensues, Max unintentionally stabs the man and kills him--his first murder. Both Katsy and Max are shaken from the whole thing, but before they even have time to rethink a new (the) plan the two of them (they) are kidnapped and taken to a random (derelict or abandoned) warehouse. And it’s there that Max comes face-to-face with his parents’ killer--a crime boss named Poppa George. 

 

The man whom Max killed turned (turns) out to be Poppa George’s nephew, and now he seeks the same revenge that Max does. But before Poppa George can begin his night of torture, Max and Katsy are rescued by a friend, Jewels, whom they met weeks earlier. The night is far from over, however, because when Katsy and Max return home they learn they weren’t the only targets of Poppa George that night--the apartment is engulfed in flames. Bradford is dead.  

 

Max never had the chance to apologize to Bradford for shunning his tactics, but he more than plans to make up for it. The next time he confronts Poppa George, Max is well aware of the lesson Bradford taught him--either kill or be killed. 



#4 bhill010

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Posted 09 May 2014 - 09:43 PM

@humandancer--thanks for the critique! I really appreciate it. I've revised and posted below, and I will definitely look over at your query!

 

================================================================

 

(This synopsis comes to 1.5 pages)

 

 

Empire City is a metropolis separated into two distinct precincts. Upstate is home to the wealthy social and political elites; Downstate is for everyone else. While they are apart of one city, the only connection they share is the bridge that crosses both of their waters.

 

Max Hugo, the sheltered son of Empire City’s governor, aspires to be like his fearless bodyguard, Bradford, who is the strongest man he knows.For a surprise for his mother’s birthday, Max plans to get her a cake from her favorite childhood bakery. The bakery, however, is Downstate. Max’s father would never take him there, but there’s one person who would--Bradford.

 

Max and Bradford travel Downstate and retrieve the cake, but after narrowly escaping an ambush attempt on their car they manage to return home safely. Max manages to keep the birthday cake intact and surprises his delighted mother, but when she makes the first slice she detonates something hidden inside--a bomb. Max is thrown outside from the impact and blacks out.

 

Max wakes up in a Downstate apartment where he’s covered in bandages and strapped to an IV. Bradford, who’s now in a wheelchair after being paralyzed from the explosion, shares graves news: his home is gone, his parents didn’t survive the bombing, and, according to public records, neither did he. Bradford offers to rehabilitate Max and help him get the one thing he desires more than anything--revenge.

 

Max confronts the bakery owner who sold him the cake four years ago for information, but his punch-first style of interrogation finds him on the receiving end of a gun. Just when it seems his journey will end just after it began, a sharp-tongued homeless girl named Katsy persuades the owner to leave him be. In exchange for helping Max find whomever he’s looking for, Katsy wants a place to stay. While Max only agrees for the sake of her skillset of charm and persuasion, he notices her charm and wit yield better results than his own methods. Even more surprising, she seems to like him. And he doesn’t mind.

 

After tailing down the cake artist who made the cake and the messenger who delivered the bomb to him, Max and Katsy locate the bombmaker who constructed the very bomb used to kill Max’s family. Since Katsy’s non-violent methods have worked thus far, Max agrees with her plan of getting information from the bombmaker. But her plan fails miserably. The bombmaker sees through Katsy’s charm and reveals his own agenda for her in his bedroom. Max barges in and defends Katsy from his advances, but when a tussle ensues, Max unintentionally stabs the man and kills him--his first murder. Now their best lead is dead, and the hunt for the man who masterminded his parents murder is over.

 

Max cannot shake the image of killing someone, and Katsy is undone by the consequences she nearly faced by leading a man on. After Katsy questions Max on whether his hunt is worth both of their lives, he turns away from his thirst for vengeance and tries to move on. But shortly after his change of heart the two of them are kidnapped and taken to an abandoned warehouse. And it’s there that Max comes face-to-face with his parents’ killer--a crime boss named Poppa George.

 

The man whom Max killed turned out to be Poppa George’s nephew, and now he seeks the same revenge that Max does. But before Poppa George can begin his night of torture, Max and Katsy are rescued by a friend, Jewels, whom they met weeks earlier. The night is far from over, however, because when Katsy and Max return home they learn they weren’t the only targets of Poppa George that night--Bradford’s apartment was bombed.

 

Max never had the chance to apologize to Bradford for shunning his tactics, but he more than plans to make up for it. After learning that Poppa George is hosting a masquerade ball at an Upstate manor, Max and Katsy disguise themselves and show up in attendance. Poppa George, who foresaw them crashing their party, plans an ambush on Max and Katsy to end them once and for all. However, with the assistance of a very-much-alive-Bradford, Max escapes the attack and kills Poppa George in their final confrontation.

 

The authorities arrive at the party and arrest everyone who’s armed, including Max and Katsy. While being questioned by a detective, Max inquires as to how Poppa George, a notorious Downstate crime-boss, owned a manor Upstate. The detective is just as curious, and when he suspects an Upstate political leader arranged Poppa George’s admission Upstate, he asks if Max is interested in helping him bring down someone even bigger. Someone else may have been involved with his parents’ death. Max takes the offer.

 

Max couldn’t shake the feeling of killing his first person, but with the second, he felt nothing but satisfaction. As Max continues his path to getting justice for his parents and exposing all those involved, he suspects Poppa George won’t be his last victim.


THE VIGILANTE (YA action/thriller)

Query: http://agentquerycon...actionthriller/

Synopsis: http://agentquerycon...actionthriller/


#5 Ireth

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Posted 09 May 2014 - 10:00 PM

@humandancer--thanks for the critique! I really appreciate it. I've revised and posted below, and I will definitely look over at your query!

 

================================================================

 

(This synopsis comes to 1.5 pages)

 

 

Empire City is a metropolis separated into two distinct precincts. Upstate is home to the wealthy social and political elites; Downstate is for everyone else. While they are two parts of one city, the only connection they share is the bridge that crosses both of their waters.

 

Max Hugo, the sheltered son of Empire City’s governor, aspires to be like his fearless bodyguard, Bradford, who is the strongest man he knows. As a surprise for his mother’s birthday, Max plans to get her a cake from her favorite childhood bakery. The bakery, however, is Downstate. Max’s father would never take him there, but there’s one person who would--Bradford would.

 

Max and Bradford travel Downstate and retrieve the cake, but after narrowly escaping an ambush attempt on their car they manage to return home safely. Max manages to keep the birthday cake intact and surprises his delighted mother, but when she makes the first slice she detonates a bomb hidden inside--a bomb. Max is thrown outside from the impact and blacks out.

 

Max wakes up in a Downstate apartment(comma) where he’s covered in bandages and strapped to an IV. Bradford, who’s now in a wheelchair after being paralyzed from the explosion, shares graves news: Max's home is gone, his parents didn’t survive the bombing, and, according to public records, neither did he. Bradford offers to rehabilitate Max and help him get the one thing he desires more than anything--revenge.

 

Max confronts the bakery owner who sold him the cake four years ago for information, but his punch-first style of interrogation finds him on the receiving end of a gun. Just when it seems his journey will end just after it began, a sharp-tongued homeless girl named Katsy persuades the owner to leave him be. In exchange for helping Max find whomever he’s looking for, Katsy wants a place to stay. While Max only agrees for the sake of her skillset of charm and persuasion, he notices her skills yield better results than his own methods. Even more surprising, she seems to like him. And he doesn’t mind.

 

After tailing down the cake artist who made the cake and the messenger who delivered the bomb to him, Max and Katsy locate the bombmaker who constructed the very bomb used to kill Max’s family. Since Katsy’s non-violent methods have worked thus far, Max agrees with her plan of getting information from the bombmaker. But her plan fails miserably. The bombmaker sees through Katsy’s charm and reveals his own agenda for her in his bedroom. Max barges in and defends Katsy from his advances, but when a tussle ensues, Max unintentionally stabs the man and kills him--his first murder. Now their best lead is dead, and the hunt for the man who masterminded his parents murder is over.

 

Max cannot shake the image of killing someone, and Katsy is undone by the consequences she nearly faced by leading a man on. After Katsy questions Max on whether his hunt is worth both of their lives, he turns away from his thirst for vengeance and tries to move on. But shortly after his change of heart the two of them are kidnapped and taken to an abandoned warehouse. And it’s There that Max comes face-to-face with his parents’ killer--a crime boss named Poppa George.

 

The man whom Max killed turned out to be Poppa George’s nephew, and now he seeks the same revenge that Max does. But before Poppa George can begin his night of torture, Max and Katsy are rescued by a friend, Jewels, whom they met weeks earlier. The night is far from over, however, because when Katsy and Max return home they learn they weren’t the only targets of Poppa George that night--Bradford’s apartment was bombed.

 

Max never had the chance to apologize to Bradford for shunning his tactics, but he more than plans to make up for it. After learning that Poppa George is hosting a masquerade ball at an Upstate manor, Max and Katsy disguise themselves and show up in attendance. Poppa George, who foresaw them crashing their party, plans an ambush on Max and Katsy to end them once and for all. However, with the assistance of a very-much-alive-Bradford, Max escapes the attack and kills Poppa George in their final confrontation.

 

The authorities arrive at the party and arrest everyone who’s armed, including Max and Katsy. While being questioned by a detective, Max inquires as to how Poppa George, a notorious Downstate crime-boss, owned a manor Upstate. The detective is just as curious, and when he suspects an Upstate political leader arranged Poppa George’s admission Upstate, he asks if Max is interested in helping him bring down someone even bigger. Someone else who may have been involved with his parents’ death. Max takes the offer.

 

Max couldn’t shake the feeling of killing his first person, but with the second, he felt nothing but satisfaction. As Max continues his path to getting justice for his parents and exposing all those involved, he suspects Poppa George won’t be his last victim.


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#6 phenomenonsense

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Posted 10 May 2014 - 01:04 AM

@humandancer--thanks for the critique! I really appreciate it. I've revised and posted below, and I will definitely look over at your query!

 

================================================================

 

(This synopsis comes to 1.5 pages)

 

 

Empire City is a metropolis separated into two distinct precincts. Upstate is home to the wealthy social and political elites Might not need this if looking to cut down words; Downstate is for everyone else. While they are apart of one city, the only connection they share is the bridge that crosses their shared waters.

 

Max Hugo, the sheltered son of Empire City’s governor, aspires to be like his fearless bodyguard, Bradford, who is the strongest man he knows Could cut.For a surprise for his mother’s birthday, Max plans to get her a cake from her favorite childhood bakery. The bakery, however, is Downstate. Max’s father would never take him there, but there’s one person who would--Bradford. Should this be a colon?

 

Max and Bradford travel Downstate and retrieve the cake, but But is wrong here. maybe And? Some other conjunction If you use and, then Max and Bradford travel downstate AND retrieve the cake, AND. COuld change to "downstate to retrieve the cake." Doesn't have to be long sentence. after narrowly escaping an ambush attempt on their car (comma) they manage to return home safely. Max manages to keep the birthday cake intact and surprises his delighted mother, but when she makes the first slice she detonates something hidden inside--a bomb. Found myself thinking "what the fuck." Maybe because a ton of bad shit happens, maybe because there is no high class, better bakery in the upstate. Max is thrown outside from the impact and blacks out.

 

Max wakes up in a Downstate apartment where he’s covered in bandages and strapped to an IV. Bradford, who’s now in a wheelchair after being paralyzed from the explosion, Thought: How the hell did Max get there if Bradford is paralyzed. shares graves news: his home is gone, his parents didn’t survive the bombing, and, according to public records, neither did he. Bradford offers to rehabilitate Max and help him get the one thing he desires more than anything--revengePersonally not feeling all the --

 

Max confronts the bakery owner who sold him the cake four years ago What for information, but his punch-first style of interrogation finds him on the receiving end of a gun. Just when it seems his journey will end just after it began, a sharp-tongued homeless girl named Katsy persuades the owner to leave him be Thought: "Why? Dude was willing to give a kid a bomb cake, why not just shoot him and be done with it?". In exchange for helping Max find whomever he’s looking for, Katsy wants a place to stay. While Max only agrees for the sake of her skill(DASH)set of charm and persuasion, he notices her charm and wit yield better results than his own methods. Even more surprising, she seems to like him that he doesn’t mind.

 

After tailing down the cake artist who made the cake and the messenger who delivered the bomb to him, Max and Katsy locate the bomb-maker who constructed the very bomb used to kill Max’s family. Since Katsy’s non-violent methods have worked thus far, Max agrees with her plan of getting information from the bomb-maker. But her plan fails miserably. The bomb-maker sees through Katsy’s charm and reveals his own agenda for her in his bedroom. Max barges in and defends Katsy from his advances, but when a tussle Seems like a weak word ensues, Max unintentionally stabs the man and kills him--his first murder. Now their best lead is dead, and the hunt for the man who masterminded his parents murder is over.

 

Max is haunted by the image of killing someone, and Katsy is shaken by the consequences she nearly faced by leading a man on Odd word choice here. If you're tackling issues like rape, I would say so with more strength. The words used here almost seem like they are trying to soften the blow or, and I can't think of a better word than this, apologetic. After Katsy questions Max on whether his hunt is worth both of their lives, he turns away from his thirst for vengeance and tries to move on. But shortly after his change of heart the two of them are kidnapped and taken to an abandoned warehouse. And it’s there that Max comes face-to-face with his parents’ killer--a crime boss named Poppa George. Thought: Why, dude tried to kill the kid already, why not just kill him. Why kidnap?

 

The man whom Max killed turned out to be Poppa George’s nephew, and now he seeks the same revenge that Max does. But before Poppa George can begin his night of torture, Max and Katsy are rescued by a friend, Jewels, whom they met weeks earlier Mentioned once? Don't name. The night is far from over, however, because when Katsy and Max return home they learn they weren’t the only targets of Poppa George that night--Bradford’s apartment was bombed.

 

Max never had the chance to apologize to Bradford for shunning his tactics, but he more than plans to make up for it. After learning that Poppa George is hosting a masquerade ball at an Upstate manor, Max and Katsy disguise themselves and show up in attendance. Poppa George, who foresaw them crashing their party, plans an ambush on Max and Katsy to end them once and for all. However, with the assistance of a very-much-alive-Bradford, Max escapes the attack and kills Poppa George in their final confrontation.

 

The authorities arrive at the party and arrest everyone who’s armed, including Max and Katsy. While being questioned by a detective, Max inquires as to how Poppa George, a notorious Downstate crime-boss, owned a manor Upstate. The detective is just as curious, and when he suspects an Upstate political leader arranged Poppa George’s admission Upstate, he asks if Max is interested in helping him bring down someone even bigger. Someone else may have been involved with his parents’ death. Max takes the offer.

 

Max couldn’t shake the feeling of killing his first person, but with the second, he felt nothing but satisfaction. As Max continues his path to getting justice for his parents and exposing all those involved, he suspects Poppa George won’t be his last victim.


Currently need help with:

 

Query:

http://agentquerycon...pra-na-fiction/

 

250 Words:
http://agentquerycon...ic/35773-supra/

 






Also tagged with one or more of these keywords: Fiction, Young Adult, Thrillers/Suspense

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