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Time Guardian (YA sci-fi/romance) Newest version in post #28


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#1 LittleJoni

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Posted 13 May 2014 - 06:59 PM

Newest revision in post #28

 

I'm ready for you all to shred the query for my new MS.  Have at it, thanks!

 

------

 

Dear Agent,

 

When sixteen-year-old Avery Littleton graduates from Clockwork Academy, she thinks becoming a clock-working Master is a given.  Falling in love would be a nice bonus.

 

Instead, Avery’s first job as a clock repair technician shows her how little she knows.  The only male attention she attracts is from her older brother’s obnoxious friend who will do anything to get Avery’s attention, even sabotage her career.

 

At work, Avery forms an unexpected attachment to her boss, Toby, who shares her passion for anything that ticks.  While struggling to figure out if he returns her affections, she becomes entangled with the Time Guardians, a secret society seeking to capture a renegade Master attempting to rewrite time.

 

Caught in the Time Guardian’s zeal and forced to rely on her own wits, Avery’s imagination zeroes in on the man she believes is their criminal.  But revealing her suspicions would alienate Toby forever, while keeping quiet endangers the time line and the lives of all she loves most.

 

TIME GUARDIAN, a YA romance with science fiction elements complete at 77,000 words, is a loose retelling of Jane Austen’s NORTHANGER ABBEY in a Victorian-inspired world where time is revered.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.


Newest Query:

TIME GUARDIAN

 

Older Queries:

THE BELIEVER

THE MYSTIC ROAD


#2 Eltondiva

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Posted 14 May 2014 - 08:22 AM

My two pence... take what aids you and discard the rest. 

 

 

Dear Agent,

 

When sixteen-year-old Avery Littleton graduates from Clockwork Academy, she thinks becoming a clock-working Master is a given.  Falling in love would be a nice bonus. (Is this your Hook? If so its a little lack-lustre, I get no sense of intrigue that would take me to the next line.)

 

Instead, Avery’s first job as a clock repair technician shows her how little she knows.  The only male attention she attracts is from her older brother’s obnoxious friend who will do anything to get Avery’s attention, even sabotage her career. (Is her brother's friend important to the story? Yes= name him, No= leave him out.)

 

At work, Avery forms an unexpected attachment to her boss, Toby, who shares her passion for anything that ticks.  While struggling to figure out if he returns her affections, she becomes entangled with the Time Guardians,(How does this come about?) a secret society seeking to capture a renegade Master attempting to rewrite time. (What is the Risk for Avery, we are in her Pov.)

 

Caught in the Time Guardian’s zeal and forced to rely on her own wits, Avery’s imagination zeroes in on the man she believes is their criminal.  But revealing her suspicions would alienate Toby forever, while keeping quiet endangers the time line and the lives of all she loves most. Again what is the risk/crisis besides time manipulation, is there conflict leading to extreme conditions which may result in death etc. I don't get a sense of urgency and challenge for your character. What will happen if she fails? What is the direct impact or consequence? My advice; Imagine the part in your story where your character has reached crunch point and is experiencing the darkest moment in her life and then write your query from there.

 

TIME GUARDIAN, a YA romance with science fiction elements complete at 77,000 words, is a loose retelling of Jane Austen’s NORTHANGER ABBEY in a Victorian-inspired world where time is revered.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.


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#3 atw

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Posted 14 May 2014 - 12:38 PM

Dear Agent,

 

When sixteen-year-old Avery Littleton graduates from Clockwork Academy, she thinks becoming a clock-working Master is a given.  Falling in love would be a nice bonus.

 

Instead, Avery’s first job as a clock repair technician shows her how little she knows. (much more of a hook than telling us she graduated school--build on why.) And so much for finding love; the only male attention she's getting  attracts is from her Name (if he's important--if not, take this line out) older brother’s obnoxious friend who will do anything to get Avery’s attention, even sabotage her career.

 

At work, Could use a better transition here, as right now it's a very sudden jump from no love interest to a clear contender Avery forms an unexpected attachment to her boss, Toby, who shares her passion for anything that ticks.  While struggling to figure out if he returns her affections, she becomes entangled with the Time Guardians, a secret society seeking to capture a renegade Master attempting to rewrite time.

 

Caught in the Time Guardian’s zeal I'm not sure what you mean by this. Zeal for what? and forced to rely on her own wits, Avery’s imagination zeroes in on the man she believes is their criminal, and she faces a choice.  But While revealing her suspicions would alienate Toby forever, while keeping quiet endangers the entire timeline and the lives of all she loves most. This is a confusing paragraph--you establish that the Time Guardian's are good guys and that Avery is working with them, but then she's 'forced to rely on her own wits' which makes me think that the TG's aren't so good after all? And the stakes of alienating Toby v the messing up the timeline and deaths of a bunch of people, don't read as a difficult decision right now. Raise them.

 

TIME GUARDIAN is a YA romance with science fiction elements complete at 77,000 words, is a loose retelling of Jane Austen’s NORTHANGER ABBEY in a Victorian-inspired world where time is revered. I don't know if you'd want to mention this unless it's important to the story you're pitching.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

From reading the query, this sounds much more like a sci-fi with romance in it than a romance novel with sci-fi elements. What does the actual story reflect? You may want to reconsider the tone of the query and/or what genre you're labling your MS under.



#4 Gruchak

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Posted 15 May 2014 - 02:02 PM

I love tinkering with hooks and I so wanted to work in "time is running out" into yours as it kinda fits with the theme. I realize this is fairly crappy and probably doesn't fit entirely with your tale but the idea of time running out can introduce tension and pull readers forward. So...something like...

 

Time is everything to Avery: time to laugh, time to live, time to love; but when she becomes entangled with the Time Guardians, she soon realizes time is running out.

 

I included it so you could maybe think about your entire story and maybe come at this from a different angle. Your current hook doesn't really encapsulate all that's going on in your story.



#5 LittleJoni

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Posted 15 May 2014 - 02:56 PM

I love tinkering with hooks and I so wanted to work in "time is running out" into yours as it kinda fits with the theme. I realize this is fairly crappy and probably doesn't fit entirely with your tale but the idea of time running out can introduce tension and pull readers forward. So...something like...

 

Time is everything to Avery: time to laugh, time to live, time to love; but when she becomes entangled with the Time Guardians, she soon realizes time is running out.

 

I included it so you could maybe think about your entire story and maybe come at this from a different angle. Your current hook doesn't really encapsulate all that's going on in your story.

 

 

Agreed, my hook stinks, LOL!  I knew that when I posted it, I just couldn't think of anything better.  Thank you so much for this suggestion, I really love it!  I might tinker with it a little bit, but I love the time imagery.  I was hoping to include more of that, or clock references, so this really works for me. :)

 

Also, thanks to all who have commented so far, I will be working on a revision soon and I appreciate the feedback.


Newest Query:

TIME GUARDIAN

 

Older Queries:

THE BELIEVER

THE MYSTIC ROAD


#6 kvalenti

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Posted 16 May 2014 - 06:59 AM

I'm ready for you all to shred the query for my new MS.  Have at it, thanks!

 

------

 

Dear Agent,

 

When sixteen-year-old Avery Littleton graduates from Clockwork Academy, she thinks becoming a clock-working Master is a given.  Falling in love would be a nice bonus. [I like your hook, but I love Gruchak's recommendation on how to make it even better.]

 

Instead, Avery’s first job as a clock repair technician shows her how [not crazy about this wording. The job doesn't actually show her anything; rather, she realizes this on her first job. Also, this feels like you're just telling me stuff, can you show me what you mean? Maybe provide an example of how she's failing and then we can see that she actually doesn't know very much] little she knows.  The only male attention she attracts [this seems out of place here. It doesn't follow from the prior sentence and I'm not sure why male attention would be relevant to a clock repair technician] is from her older brother’s obnoxious friend who will do anything to get Avery’s attention [at this point, the obnoxious friend is a broad character sketch that really doesn't mean much to the reader - or Avery it would seem and yet you say he might sabotage her career which means he's probably a bigger deal than we think. If so, maybe describe him in a more vivid manner - show us how obnoxious he is so we believe you], even sabotage her career. [what is her career? and why does friend want to sabotage her career? what's at stake between these two characters?]

 

At work, Avery forms an unexpected attachment to her boss [why was it unexpected? Most people form some sort of attachment to their boss and would expect that. If it's an unexpected attachment then I think romantic or some other thing. Is that what you're going for?], Toby, who shares her passion for anything that ticks.  While struggling [why is it a struggle?] to figure out if he returns her affections, she becomes entangled with the Time Guardians, a secret society seeking to capture a renegade Master attempting to rewrite time. [THIS is your action and intrigue! It should be way earlier - a far more interesting thing to start with than a failed clock repair technician.]

 

Caught in the Time Guardian’s zeal [I don't think you can be caught in a zeal] and forced to rely on her own wits [why wouldn't she rely on her own wits? (i.e. why do you say she's 'forced')], Avery’s imagination zeroes [I don't think you can say that the imagination zeroes in - the mind maybe or the eye, but not the imagination] in on the man she believes is their criminal [why? how? who?].  But revealing her suspicions would alienate Toby forever [not clear why that is], while keeping quiet endangers the time line [don't know what that is] and the lives of all she loves most. [why?]

 

TIME GUARDIAN, a YA romance with science fiction elements complete at 77,000 words, is a loose retelling of Jane Austen’s NORTHANGER ABBEY in a Victorian-inspired world where time is revered.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

Hi!

 

I think you have a really interesting story going here and I wish you the best of luck.

 

As for your query - I think you do too much telling and not enough showing, especially when you have a lot to work with since this is a pretty cool plot. We have a tendency to try to tell the whole story in a query when in fact, we just have to say enough to entice an agent to want to read more. I would focus on your key plot points, the things that make it super exciting, and show those. Also, you need to establish what the stakes are early on and make sure that we understand exactly what the main character has to lose and why.   

 

I'm certainly no query expert myself, but I hope this feedback helps. :)

 

PS - my query, GHOST, is in need of some work as well. If you have a moment, I'd love to get your feedback. 


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#7 LittleJoni

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Posted 19 May 2014 - 11:36 AM

Next try...it's a tad longer than I want it to be and there's a few wordy/clunky sentences...but have at it:

 

------

 

Dear Agent,

 

Time, and anything that ticks, is sixteen-year-old Avery Littleton’s passion; but when she’s drafted by the Time Guardians, she realizes time is running out.

 

On the day of graduation from Clockwork Academy, the dean recruits Avery into the ranks of the Time Guardians, a secret organization seeking to capture a renegade attempting to rewrite time.  Avery’s inexperience renders her ill-equipped to discover such a criminal so she focuses her efforts on finding her first real clock-working job instead.

 

Thrilled at first to land a position as a clockwork technician, Avery soon flounders under the difficult workload and worries her novice skills irritate her boss, Toby.  It doesn’t help that her older brother’s self-absorbed friend, Jesse, will do anything--even sabotage Avery’s career--to get her attention.

 

In a last-ditch effort to save her job, and escape Jesse, Avery throws her energy into work.  Toby notices her newfound enthusiasm and she feels the stirring of unexpected love.  Avery doesn’t know if Toby returns her affections, only that he doesn’t mind her clock tinkering obsession or the permanent oil stains on her hands.

 

None of that matters when Avery imagines she might know the criminal the Time Guardians search for.  Revealing her suspicions would alienate Toby, while keeping quiet means risking a rewritten time line in which she wouldn’t know him at all.

 

TIME GUARDIAN, a YA romance with science fiction elements complete at 77,000 words, is a loose retelling of Jane Austen’s NORTHANGER ABBEY in a Victorian-inspired world where time is revered.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.


Newest Query:

TIME GUARDIAN

 

Older Queries:

THE BELIEVER

THE MYSTIC ROAD


#8 mchambers

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Posted 19 May 2014 - 08:35 PM

Dear Agent,

 

Time, and anything that ticks, is sixteen-year-old Avery Littleton’s passion; but when she’s drafted by the Time Guardians, she realizes time is running out.

The time is running out is a bit cliche, but I personally enjoyed it. I do like the hook, but there's a lot of punctuation in there which makes it look...clunky (sorry <frowney-face>)

 

On the day of graduation from Clockwork Academy, the dean recruits Avery into the ranks of the Time Guardians, a secret organization seeking to capture a renegade attempting to rewrite time.  Avery’s inexperience renders her ill-equipped to discover such a criminal so she focuses her efforts on finding her first real clock-working job instead.

This bit seems out of place. I think you should cut this and work it in at the end where it would be more relevant to what is going on in your query. It's like..hey here's this organization..oh wait nevermind she's going to go do something else instead. Just kidding.

 

Thrilled at first to land a position as a clockwork technician, Avery soon flounders under the difficult workload and worries her novice skills irritate her boss, Toby.  It doesn’t help that her older brother’s self-absorbed friend, Jesse, will do anything--even sabotage Avery’s career--to get her attention.

 

In a last-ditch effort to save her job, and escape Jesse, Avery throws her energy into work.  Toby notices her newfound enthusiasm and she feels the stirring of unexpected love.  Avery doesn’t know if Toby returns her affections, only that he doesn’t mind her clock tinkering obsession or the permanent oil stains on her hands.

 

None of that matters when Avery imagines she might know the criminal the Time Guardians search for.  Revealing her suspicions would alienate Toby, while keeping quiet means risking a rewritten time line in which she wouldn’t know him at all.

You never ACTUALLY say that Toby is the renegade. Is that intentional?

 

TIME GUARDIAN, a YA romance with science fiction elements complete at 77,000 words, is a loose retelling of Jane Austen’s NORTHANGER ABBEY in a Victorian-inspired world where time is revered.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

This is interesting and a good query. I'm a little worried that you've told me too much though.


If you found this helpful, please return the favor by having a look at my query at: Chateau Black Query


#9 Dottie D.

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Posted 19 May 2014 - 08:45 PM

Time, and anything that ticks, is sixteen-year-old Avery Littleton’s passion; but when she’s drafted by the Time Guardians, she realizes time is running out. (I love this hook.)

 

On the day of graduation from Clockwork Academy, the dean recruits Avery into the ranks of the Time Guardians, a secret organization seeking to capture a renegade attempting to rewrite time.  Avery’s inexperience renders her ill-equipped to discover (not sure discover is the right word. Find? Hunt down?) such a criminal so she focuses her efforts on finding her first real clock-working job instead.

 

Thrilled at first to land a position as a clockwork technician, Avery soon flounders under the difficult workload as clockwork technician and worries her novice skills irritate her boss, Toby.  It doesn’t help that her older brother’s self-absorbed friend, Jesse, will do anything--even sabotage Avery’s career--to get her attention.

 

In a last-ditch effort to save her job, and escape Jesse, Avery throws her energy into work.  Toby notices her newfound enthusiasm and she feels the stirring of unexpected love.  Avery doesn’t know if Toby returns her affections, only that he doesn’t mind her clock tinkering obsession or the permanent oil stains on her hands.

 

None of that matters when Avery imagines she might know the criminal the Time Guardians search for.  Revealing her suspicions would alienate Toby, (I think she'd need a stronger reason NOT to turn the criminal in. right now it sounds like a little crush, which wouldn't be strong enough. Are there other factors as well?) while keeping quiet means risking a rewritten time line in which she wouldn’t know him at all.

 

TIME GUARDIAN, a YA romance with science fiction elements complete at 77,000 words, is a loose retelling of Jane Austen’s NORTHANGER ABBEY in a Victorian-inspired world where time is revered.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

I will admit I really like this query.  It just needs more at stake. What's really so bad about rewriting time? what if her life were ten times better in the new life, even without Toby. And what is soooo great about Toby that she'd risk NOT turning in the criminal?

I think if you can emphasize those points, you've got a great query.  Just my opinion.



#10 Gruchak

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Posted 20 May 2014 - 08:51 AM

Like the hook!

 

So Avery is recruited into this secret organization, the Time Guardians. Does she leave the TGs and join Toby's organization? Secret organizations aren't usually too keen on people dropping in and out so does she remain a member of the TGs while working for Toby?

 

Also, I agree with Dottie, I'm not getting how much of a threat this criminal is and what is truly at stake if he (or she) rewrites time. And, is it an unrequited infatuation with Toby or is it really the blossoming of true love?

 

Having said that, you've moved the query forward and it's just going to keep getting better!

 

Good luck!



#11 IsabelEmilyD

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Posted 20 May 2014 - 11:36 AM

Next try...it's a tad longer than I want it to be and there's a few wordy/clunky sentences...but have at it:

 

------

 

Dear Agent,

 

Time, and anything that ticks, is sixteen-year-old Avery Littleton’s passion; [.]but when she’s drafted by the Time Guardians, she realizes time is running out.

 

On the day of graduation [graduation day] from Clockwork Academy, the dean recruits [invites?] Avery into the ranks of the Time Guardians, a secret organization seeking to capture a renegade [who's--clarifies the subject verb so we don't think the organization is attempting to rewrite time] attempting to rewrite time.  Avery’s inexperience renders her ill-equipped to discover [track down/hunt] such a criminal so she focuses her efforts on finding her first real clock-working job instead. [So does she actually join for a bit, but then realizes it's not for her? Clarify]

 

Thrilled at first to land a position as a clockwork technician, Avery soon flounders under the difficult workload and worries her novice skills irritate her boss, Toby.  It doesn’t help that her older brother’s self-absorbed friend, Jesse, will do anything--even sabotage Avery’s career--to get her attention.

 

In a last-ditch effort to save her job, and escape Jesse, Avery throws [all] her energy into work.  Toby notices her newfound enthusiasm[,] and she feels the stirring of unexpected love.  Avery doesn’t know if Toby returns her affections, only that [but] he doesn’t mind her clock tinkering obsession or the permanent oil stains on her hands.

 

None of that matters when Avery imagines she might know the criminal the Time Guardians search for.  [Reword--As she gets closer to Toby, Avery realizes she's discovered the renegade the Time Guardians are searching for, and she doesn't know what to do] Revealing her suspicions would alienate Toby, while [but] keeping quiet means risking a rewritten time line in which she wouldn’t know him at all.

 

TIME GUARDIAN, a YA romance with science fiction elements complete at 77,000 words, is a loose retelling of Jane Austen’s NORTHANGER ABBEY in a Victorian-inspired world where time is revered.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

I agree with the others; this sounds interesting, and I think you're on to something here! You're also getting closer with your query. If anything I would take out the word "loose" though, it conjures images of "sloppy" etc. which is not good.



#12 LittleJoni

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Posted 20 May 2014 - 12:04 PM

Thanks all for your comments.  This is really helping me out a lot!  It seems my stakes are still a bit weak (or at least her choice is pretty obvious...which it is).  I guess the idea I'm not getting across very well is the fact that Avery only thinks she knows who the criminal is and she doesn't want to accuse anyone of wrongdoing in case she's wrong--that is what could alienate Toby.  But, that doesn't matter because the choice is still pretty obvious...so...what to do... *thinks*

 

mchambers:  No, I don't mention Toby is the renegade...because he's not. ;)

 

Thanks again, I'm going to work on a revision. :)


Newest Query:

TIME GUARDIAN

 

Older Queries:

THE BELIEVER

THE MYSTIC ROAD


#13 kvalenti

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Posted 21 May 2014 - 02:25 AM

Next try...it's a tad longer than I want it to be and there's a few wordy/clunky sentences...but have at it:

 

------

 

Dear Agent,

 

Time, and anything that ticks, is sixteen-year-old Avery Littleton’s passion; but when she’s drafted by the Time Guardians, she realizes time is running out. [I like the overall concept here but I think it can be tightened up a bit more. I think what bothers me is that time and things that tick aren't necessarily in the same category because time does not actually tick, Clocks do so this sentence doesn't have a natural flow to it. We talk about "time ticking away" and that works in that phrasing because we're used to it, but when you take it out of that phrasing, the reference to time and ticking sounds strange. Also, the second half of the sentence doesn't follow form the first. In the first you're talking about her passions and then after the "but" you're talking about time running out. Finally, time is running out for what?]

 

On the day [Avery graduates - active voice vs. passive voice] of graduation from Clockwork Academy, the dean recruits [herAvery into the ranks of the Time Guardians, a secret organization seeking to capture a renegade attempting to rewrite time. [nice] Avery’s inexperience [if she's inexperienced, why did she graduate? And why was she recruited, what skills does she have - since she lacks experience - that made her such a compelling candidate?] renders her ill-equipped to discover such a criminal so she focuses her efforts on finding her first real clock-working job instead. [does this mean that she turns him down? If so, then I would mention that. The way it's written makes it seems like she tries but she can't because she's not experienced. If that's what you mean then you need to say a lot more about this. Otherwise, it just seems like you're telling me something - a montage of things that happen in one sentence - rather than showing me who Avery is.]

 

Thrilled at first to land a position as a clockwork technician [for the average person, this doesn't sound very exciting but I expect it's a big deal in Avery's world. Perhaps you can give a bit more detail as to why this is such a thrilling thing for her to land - showing vs. telling], Avery soon flounders under the difficult workload and worries her novice skills irritate her boss, Toby. [Doesn't Toby know she's a novice?] [You start this sentence talking about how she's thrilled, the second half of the sentence talks about how she flounders. Perhaps you can reword the second part so that it relates to her emotions as well. For instance: "thrilled at first...., but that thrill soon turns to dismay when....] It doesn’t help that her older brother’s self-absorbed friend, Jesse, will do anything--even sabotage Avery’s career--to get her attention.

 

In a last-ditch [has she tried other things? why is she going to lose her job anyway? Just because she's a novice or something else?] effort to save her job, and escape Jesse [these are two seemingly unrelated things - save her job and escape Jesse. Perhaps you can explain how Jesse is compromising her job - not just allude to it but really spell it out], Avery throws her energy into work.[This is sort of stating the obvious. She should be doing this anyway. What changes now that her job is at stake?]  Toby notices her newfound enthusiasm and she feels the stirring of unexpected love. [These are two unrelated events: Toby noticing her enthusiasm and Avery feeling the stirrings of unexpected love. They should be in separate sentences or you need to explain why they are related. Also, the first part isn't really very interesting. One would hope that Toby would notice her enthusiasm but it doesn't add anything to the story]  Avery doesn’t know if Toby returns her affections [what affections? So far, all we know is she feels an attraction towards him], only that he doesn’t mind her clock tinkering obsession [isn't that her job?] or the permanent oil stains on her hands. [why would he mind?]

 

None of that matters when Avery imagines [I don't think the right word to use here is "imagine," perhaps "thinks" (even if she turns out to be wrong, she can still think that she knows who it is); also, this is interesting, expand on it a lot more. What makes her think she knows this? And why does this make everything prior not matter anymore?] she might know the criminal the Time Guardians [are seeking] search for.  Revealing her suspicions [to whom?] would alienate Toby [I think you need to explain this a bit more], while keeping quiet means risking a [re-writing of time in which Toby does not exist] rewritten time line in which she wouldn’t know him at all. [You don't have to use my words but I am not crazy about the phrase "rewritten time line" - it's not very clear what that means.]

 

[I think you need to flesh out what's happening in the last paragraph a lot more. There's a lot there that's interesting and probably goes to the crux of the story. But we don't get to hear much about this. Also paragraphs 3 and 4 can probably be merged and made more concise. I'm still not clear on what is happening between Avery, Toby and Jesse. Also, we don't know anything about the criminal. Why is he such a bad guy, why does he need to be stopped, why was Avery chosen to try to stop him in the first place? ]

 

[I like this plot a lot and I'm excited for you to start querying it, I think it has a great deal of potential. Good luck!]

 

TIME GUARDIAN, a YA romance with science fiction elements complete at 77,000 words, is a loose retelling of Jane Austen’s NORTHANGER ABBEY in a Victorian-inspired world where time is revered.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

PS - thanks so much for your comments to my query, they were very helpful!


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#14 LittleJoni

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Posted 21 May 2014 - 03:24 PM

One more try... ;)

 

------

 

Dear Agent:

 

Time and anything that ticks is sixteen-year-old Avery Littleton’s passion; but when she’s drafted by the Time Guardians, she realizes time is running out.

 

On graduation day from Clockwork Academy, the dean recruits Avery into the Time Guardians, a secret organization seeking to capture a renegade attempting to rewrite time.  Avery knows her inexperience renders her ill-equipped to hunt such a criminal, but those fears are soon eclipsed by the tribulations of her first job--and a serious case of love for her new boss, Toby.

 

Floundering under the difficult workload of a clockwork technician, Avery worries her novice skills irritate Toby.  It doesn’t help that her older brother’s self-absorbed friend, Jesse, will do anything--even sabotage Avery’s career--to get her attention.

 

In a last-ditch effort to save her job, and escape Jesse, Avery throws all her energy into work.  When Toby notices her enthusiasm they become fast friends who share a similar clock tinkering obsession, although Avery desperately longs for more.  She doesn’t know if Toby returns her affections, only that she’s lost her heart to him.

 

But Avery’s hopes crumble when she images she might know who the Time Guardian’s criminal is.  Revealing her suspicions would cost her the love of her life if she’s wrong, while keeping quiet means possibly facing a rewritten time line in which she and Toby might not even exist.

 

TIME GUARDIAN, a YA romance with science fiction elements complete at 77,000 words, is a retelling of Jane Austen’s NORTHANGER ABBEY in a Victorian-inspired world where time is revered.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.


Newest Query:

TIME GUARDIAN

 

Older Queries:

THE BELIEVER

THE MYSTIC ROAD


#15 Calcifer

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Posted 21 May 2014 - 03:49 PM

Time and anything that ticks is sixteen-year-old Avery Littleton’s passion; but when she’s drafted by the Time Guardians, she realizes time is running out. Love this hook!

 

On graduation day from Clockwork Academy, the dean recruits Avery into the Time Guardians, a secret organization seeking to capture a renegade attempting to rewrite time.  Avery knows her inexperience renders her ill-equipped to hunt such a criminal, but those fears are soon eclipsed by the tribulations of her first job--and a serious case of love (not sure about this turn of phrase, it makes it sound a bit like she falls in love immediately. What about something like "burgeoning feelings/attraction"?) for her new boss, Toby.

 

Floundering under the difficult workload of a clockwork technician, Avery worries her novice skills irritate Toby.  It doesn’t help that her older brother’s self-absorbed friend, Jesse, will do anything--even sabotage Avery’s career--to get her attention.

 

In a last-ditch effort to save her job, and escape Jesse, Avery throws all her energy into work.  When Toby notices her enthusiasm and they become fast friends who share a similar clock tinkering obsession, although Avery desperately longs for more.  She doesn’t know if Toby returns her affections, only that she’s lost her heart to him.

 

But Avery’s hopes crumble when she images she might know who the Time Guardian’s criminal is.  Revealing her suspicions would cost her the love of her life if she’s wrong, while keeping quiet means possibly facing a rewritten time line in which she and Toby might not even exist.

 

TIME GUARDIAN, a YA romance with science fiction elements complete at 77,000 words, is a retelling of Jane Austen’s NORTHANGER ABBEY in a Victorian-inspired world where time is revered.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I really like your new version of this query, and only had a couple of nitpicky things to add. This is really coming along. Great job! ;)


THE KOBOLD OF TWELVE POPLARS Query: http://agentquerycon...-grade-fantasy/

 

THE CONSPIRATOR'S CLUB Query: http://agentquerycon...998-the-league/

 

 


#16 fatalkiss19

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Posted 21 May 2014 - 04:04 PM

One more try... ;)

 

------

 

Dear Agent:

 

Time and anything that ticks is sixteen-year-old Avery Littleton’s passion; but when she’s drafted by the Time Guardians, she realizes time is running out.

 

On graduation day from Clockwork Academy, the dean recruits Avery into the Time Guardians, a secret organization seeking to capture a renegade attempting to rewrite time.  Avery knows her inexperience renders her ill-equipped to hunt such a criminal, but those fears are soon eclipsed by the tribulations of her first job--and a serious case of love for her new boss, Toby. (last name?)

 

Floundering under the difficult workload of a clockwork technician, Avery worries her novice skills irritate Toby.  It doesn’t help that her older brother’s self-absorbed friend, Jesse, will do anything--even sabotage Avery’s career--to get her attention. (Why? He has a crush on her?)

 

In a last-ditch effort to save her job, and escape Jesse, Avery throws all her energy into work.  When Toby notices her enthusiasm they become fast friends who share a similar clock tinkering obsession, although Avery desperately longs for more.  She doesn’t know if Toby returns her affections, only that she’s lost her heart to him. (Rewrite. I don't like the last sentence for some reason. Maybe: She's doens't know if Toby returns her affections. What she does know is her heart ticks for him. IDK I think it would be cute if you did something with a clock here.)

 

But Avery’s hopes crumble when she images she might know who the Time Guardian’s criminal is.  Revealing her suspicions would cost her the love of her life if she’s wrong, while keeping quiet means possibly facing a rewritten time line in which she and Toby might not even exist.

 

TIME GUARDIAN, a YA romance with science fiction elements complete at 77,000 words, is a retelling of Jane Austen’s NORTHANGER ABBEY in a Victorian-inspired world where time is revered.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

Your book sounds interesting. Good luck!



#17 AlexH

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Posted 22 May 2014 - 04:55 PM

One more try... ;)

 

------

 

Dear Agent:

 

Time and anything that ticks is sixteen-year-old Avery Littleton’s passion; but when she’s drafted by the Time Guardians, she realizes time is running out.

 

On graduation day from Clockwork Academy love this name!, the dean recruits Avery into the Time Guardians, a secret organization seeking to capture a renegade attempting to rewrite time.  Avery knows her inexperience renders her ill-equipped to hunt such a criminal, but those fears are soon eclipsed by the tribulations of her first job--and a serious case of love for her new boss, Toby.

 

Floundering under the difficult workload of a clockwork technician, Avery worries her novice skills irritate Toby.  It doesn’t help that her older brother’s self-absorbed friend, Jesse, will do anything--even sabotage Avery’s career--to get her attention.

 

In a last-ditch effort to save her job take out the comma here and escape Jesse, Avery throws all of her energy into work.  When Toby notices her enthusiasm they become fast friends who share a similar clock tinkering obsession, although Avery desperately longs for more.  She doesn’t know if Toby returns her affections, only that she’s lost her heart to him.

 

But Avery’s hopes crumble when she images do you mean imagines? she might know who the Time Guardian’s criminal is.  Revealing her suspicions would cost her the love of her life if she’s wrong, while keeping quiet means possibly facing a rewritten time line in which she and Toby might not even exist. Good stakes!

 

TIME GUARDIAN, a YA romance with science fiction elements complete at 77,000 words, is a retelling of Jane Austen’s NORTHANGER ABBEY in a Victorian-inspired world where time is revered.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

This is definitely a fun premise and your query is very tight! Good luck!



#18 evilenna

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Posted 15 March 2015 - 02:28 AM

Thanks for commenting on my query. Your suggestions were great!

One more try... ;)

 

------

 

Dear Agent:

 

Time and anything that ticks is sixteen-year-old Avery Littleton’s passion; but when she’s drafted by the Time Guardians, she realizes time is running out.

 

On graduation day from Clockwork Academy, the dean recruits Avery into the Time Guardians, a secret organization seeking to capture a renegade attempting to rewrite time.  Avery knows her inexperience renders her ill-equipped to hunt such a criminal, but those fears are soon eclipsed by the tribulations of her first job--and a serious case of love for her new boss, Toby. (So, my first though was that the crime feels pretty serious and she's distracted by a boy. I'm sure it works fine in the book, but it makes her sound a little silly in the query.)

 

Floundering under the difficult workload of a clockwork technician, Avery worries her novice skills irritate Toby.  It doesn’t help that her older brother’s self-absorbed friend, Jesse, will do anything--even sabotage Avery’s career--to get her attention. (I'm totally thrown off because I thought she was on a big case, but the query is focusing in on her work relationships. Maybe, I'm missing something.)

 

In a last-ditch effort to save her job, and escape Jesse, Avery throws all her energy into work.  When Toby notices her enthusiasm they become fast friends who shareing a similar clock their tinkering obsession, although Avery desperately longs for more.  She doesn’t know if Toby returns her affections, only that she’s lost her heart to him. 

 

But Avery’s hopes crumble when she images she might know who suspects the idenity of the Time Guardian’s criminal is.  Revealing her suspicions would will cost her the love of her life if she’s wrong, but while keeping quiet means possibly facing a rewritten time line in which she and Toby might not even don't exist. (Nice set up of the stakes.)

 

TIME GUARDIAN, a YA romance (This is a romance. It totally makes sense that your focusing in on the relationship.)with science fiction elements complete at 77,000 words, is a retelling of Jane Austen’s NORTHANGER ABBEY in a Victorian-inspired world where time is revered.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

So, I think my biggest problem was that I found the MC actions a little silly. It sounds like there is this horrible crime about to happen and she is concerned with a boy. Knowing that this is a romance, I totally understand your focus on the relationship and maybe I'm missing her role in solving the crime. I really like the idea and the query is strong. Good luck and I hope this helps?


First 250 words for THE DOOR http://agentquerycon...door-ya-sci-fi/

Query for THE DOOR http://agentquerycon...door-ya-sci-fi/


#19 LittleJoni

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Posted 15 March 2015 - 01:13 PM

Thanks, this is quite old.  I've revised the MS and a new query will be required at some point. ;)


Newest Query:

TIME GUARDIAN

 

Older Queries:

THE BELIEVER

THE MYSTIC ROAD


#20 LittleJoni

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Posted 16 March 2015 - 03:43 PM

After putting this MS through some serious revision for the better part of a year, I'm back with a new query.  Feedback is much appreciated, thanks!

 

------

 

Dear Agent:

 

Joining the secretive Time Guardians overwhelms sixteen-year-old Avery Littleton when they expect her to catch time criminals.

 

This should be a task for older, wiser, and more experienced clock workers.  Since graduating from Clockwork Academy, all Avery wants is to fix timepieces for a living and earn the title of master as soon as possible.

 

Becoming a Time Guardian should be an easy step on the way to clock working mastership.  But instead of becoming a symbolic figure, guarding the sacred time line like Avery expected, the Time Guardians turn out to be a vigilante group obsessed with catching criminals who combine clock works with chemistry and erase people from time.  School didn’t exactly prepare her for this.

 

Avery would rather focus on pleasant things, like befriending her boss’s handsome son, Toby.  While not interested in becoming a Time Guardian himself, he still helps her sort through their complex theories and separate fact from fiction.

 

When she stumbles upon a strange device and its suspicious owner, everything the Time Guardians taught her doesn’t sound so far-fetched.  Trying to stop the suspected criminal could get Avery wiped out from time itself, but her distrust might be a result of an overactive imagination.

 

TIME GUARDIAN, a YA science fiction romance novel complete at 78,000 words, is a retelling of Jane Austen’s NORTHANGER ABBEY.

Thank you for your time and consideration.


Newest Query:

TIME GUARDIAN

 

Older Queries:

THE BELIEVER

THE MYSTIC ROAD





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