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SONG OF THE SEA (YA Fantasy)


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#1 Ireth

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Posted 26 May 2014 - 08:20 PM

Revision #3 in post #22

 

Preliminary query for a co-written project, mainly to get the basic plot figured out. Advice is appreciated. :)

 

Dear [Agent]:

 

When her cousin is poisoned, fifteen-year-old mermaid Rain risks her life to find the only cure.

 

On her fifteenth birthday, Rain is finally old enough to join her peers in the Harvest, their coming-of-age ceremony. Refusing to let her deafness keep her from becoming a siren, she plays the flute while the other young merfolk sing to lure humans to their deaths. What should be a day of triumph turns to one of tragedy when her cousin is poisoned by a human's harpoon.

 

The only cure lies in a distant sea, fiercely protected by the merfolk's queen due to its scarcity. Rain resolves to find it herself, and sets out with two other merfolk to guide her and be her ears. Humans are no threat so far below the surface, but the ocean depths hold dangers aplenty. While sharks and jellyfish are bad enough, even other merfolk seek to halt Rain and her comrades. They claim there's too little of the cure left to waste it on one merman.

 

Stealing the cure from the queen herself may be Rain's only option. If she does, she risks being imprisoned or even killed for treason. But if she doesn't, her cousin will die instead.

 

SONG OF THE SEA is a YA fantasy of ##,000 words. [Personalization, etc.] Thank you for your time and consideration.


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#2 phenomenonsense

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Posted 26 May 2014 - 08:34 PM

Preliminary query for a co-written project, mainly to get the basic plot figured out. Advice is appreciated. :)

 

Dear [Agent]:

 

When her cousin is poisoned, fifteen-year-old mermaid Rain risks her life to find the only cure. Could be stronger, I don't know enough about the thing to say what ought to be put in.

 

On her fifteenth birthday, Rain is finally old enough to join her peers in the Harvest, their coming-of-age ceremony. Refusing to let her deafness keep her from becoming a siren, she plays the flute while the other young merfolk sing to lure humans to their deaths. What should be a day of triumph turns to one of tragedy when her cousin is poisoned by a human's harpoon.

 

The only cure lies in a distant sea, fiercely protected by the merfolk's queen due to its scarcity. Rain resolves to find it herself, and sets out with two other merfolk to guide her and be her ears. Humans are no threat so far below the surface, but the ocean depths hold dangers aplenty. While sharks and jellyfish are bad enough, even other merfolk seek to halt Rain and her comrades. They claim there's too little of the cure left to waste it on one merman. I don't understand this? Why can't a single dose of cure be used on a single merman?

 

Stealing the cure from the queen herself may be Rain's only option. If she does, she risks being imprisoned or even killed for treason. But if she doesn't, her cousin will die instead.

 

SONG OF THE SEA is a YA fantasy of ##,000 words. [Personalization, etc.] Thank you for your time and consideration.

I think the query does a good job of laying out the plot, but for some reason it doesn't really get me excited? Just a thought. I don't have any real reason. Maybe I've looked at too many queries recently and now I'm like an uncaring agent! haha just kidding.


Currently need help with:

 

Query:

http://agentquerycon...pra-na-fiction/

 

250 Words:
http://agentquerycon...ic/35773-supra/

 


#3 Dottie D.

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Posted 26 May 2014 - 09:17 PM

I also wondered why a dose can't be used on her cousin. isn't that what it's there for? are they holding out in case a royal or the queen need it?  I love the new hook just as it is.  hooks aren't meant to tell the whole story, just the set up and to entice.  this one does just that.  I think your query is good to go!  Great job!  let me know when you get representation for it.



#4 Ireth

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Posted 26 May 2014 - 09:24 PM

To answer phenom and Dottie's question, the cure in question is a plant which used to be plentiful, but was over-harvested nearly to extinction long ago, so now only the queen has any. Basically, those who oppose Rain are afraid that using too much cure for one merman will deplete their supply. Also, in a more basic sense, I needed an antagonist and conflict that was different than merfolk vs. dangerous sea animals.


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#5 T.W.Hauth

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Posted 26 May 2014 - 10:04 PM

Preliminary query for a co-written project, mainly to get the basic plot figured out. Advice is appreciated. :)

 

Dear [Agent]:

 

When her cousin is poisoned, fifteen-year-old mermaid Rain risks her life to find the only cure.  Simply and to the point. You let us know what's happened, introduce the MC, and introduce their quest / problem. Not exactly breathtaking, but it definitely does set up your story.

 

On her fifteenth birthday, Rain is finally old enough to join her peers in the Harvest, their coming-of-age ceremony. Refusing to let her deafness keep her from becoming a siren, she plays the flute while the other young merfolk sing to lure humans to their deaths. What should be a day of triumph turns to one of tragedy when her cousin is poisoned by a human's harpoon.  All of that is interesting, she's deaf but wants to sing and play instruments to lure humans to their death (scurrrryyy).

 

The only cure lies in a distant sea, fiercely protected by the merfolk's queen due to its scarcity. Rain resolves to find it herself, and sets out with two other merfolk to guide her and be her ears. Humans are no threat so far below the surface, but the ocean depths hold dangers aplenty. While sharks and jellyfish are bad enough, even other merfolk seek to halt Rain and her comrades. They claim there's too little of the cure left to waste it on one merman. Interesting, I almost wonder if you've said too much here. Perhaps if you can leave a bit more to the imagination?

 

Stealing the cure from the queen herself may be Rain's only option. If she does, she risks being imprisoned or even killed for treason. But if she doesn't, her cousin will die instead.  I definitely feel like the ending is a little weak. I know you're trying to set up the stakes, but after reading this query I know you can do better than that.

 

SONG OF THE SEA is a YA fantasy of ##,000 words. [Personalization, etc.] Thank you for your time and consideration.

Very nice query, I think you've done a great job. You clearly did your research. Good luck and good job. I would be surprised if you didn't get a lot of requests from this.



#6 khyper

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Posted 27 May 2014 - 07:41 AM

Dear [Agent]:

 

When her cousin is poisoned, fifteen-year-old mermaid Rain risks her life to find the only cure. I would mention that she's deaf in the hook. A deaf mermaid is much more interesting.

 

On her fifteenth birthday, Rain is finally old enough to join her peers in the Harvest, their coming-of-age ceremony. Refusing to let her deafness keep her from becoming a siren, she plays the flute while the other young merfolk sing to lure humans to their deaths. What should be a day of triumph turns to one of tragedy when her cousin is poisoned by a human's harpoon.

 

The only cure lies in a distant sea, fiercely protected by the merfolk's queen due to its scarcity. Rain resolves to find it herself, and sets out with two other merfolk to guide her and be her ears. Humans are no threat so far below the surface, but the ocean depths hold dangers aplenty. While sharks and jellyfish are bad enough, even other merfolk seek to halt Rain and her comrades. They claim there's too little of the cure left to waste it on one merman.

 

Stealing the cure from the queen herself may be Rain's only option. If she does, she risks being imprisoned or even killed for treason. But if she doesn't, her cousin will die instead.

 

SONG OF THE SEA is a YA fantasy of ##,000 words. [Personalization, etc.] Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

I actually think this is quite straight forward and clear. If you're using this to establish your basic plot, the only suggestions I would make is let the queen shine more as an antagonist or add a twist. Your last line is simply restating your hook in more detail.


"Words can be like x-rays if you use them properly - they'll go through anything."

#7 TiffanyRos

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Posted 27 May 2014 - 08:17 AM

Preliminary query for a co-written project, mainly to get the basic plot figured out. Advice is appreciated. :)

 

Dear [Agent]:

 

When her cousin is poisoned, fifteen-year-old mermaid Rain risks her life to find the only cure. (This is an okay hook, though I think you could play around with it and make is more enticing to the reader.)

 

On her fifteenth birthday, Rain is finally old enough to join her peers in the Harvest, their coming-of-age ceremony. Refusing to let her deafness keep her from becoming a siren, she plays the flute while the others young merfolk (Don't make the mistake of thinking you have to say merfolk/merman/mermaid every time you reference the characters. They are the norm in your story, so in my opinion, once you point it out in the hook, you don't need to do it again. Point out the abnormal of this world... humans) sing to lure humans to their deaths. What should be A day of triumph turns to one of tragedy when her cousin is poisoned by a human's harpoon. (Okay, you need to explain this in some way. Harpoon's aren't poisonous... unless the human were to put poisonous stuff on it... which would have washed off before hitting her cousin since I'm assuming he/she was shot in the water... unless in your world something about the metal harpoons are made of is poisonous to merpeople. If that is the case you need to make it clear, otherwise this sounds odd.)

 

The only cure lies in a distant sea, fiercely protected by the merfolk's queen (Is this her queen? Or another civilization of merpeople with a separate ruler?) due to its scarcity. Rain resolves to find it herself, and sets out with two other merfolk friends? helpers? companions? (Any of these should work, just stop over using the mer-name) to guide her and be her ears. Humans are no threat so far below the surface, but the ocean depths hold dangers aplenty (Okay, sorry, but I don't usually see this word and since your MS is about mermaids, I'm now instantly thinking about the Little Mermaid... "I've got gadgets and gizmos aplenty, I've got who's its and what's its galore.... sorry, had to say it). While sharks and jellyfish are bad enough, even other merfolk seek to halt Rain and her comrades (The sharks I get, they will eat your butt, however... they are merpeople... they have no immunity to jellyfish or anything? Seem odd to me). They claim there's too little of the cure left to waste it on one merman. (This is too vague. How much of this cure is left. One dose, two doses... only enough for a handful?)

 

Stealing the cure from the queen herself may be Rain's only option. If she does, she risks being imprisoned or even killed for treason. But if she doesn't, her cousin will die instead. (Reword this so it comes across stronger. Some like: Rain's only option is to steal the cure directly from the queen, forcing her to choose between possibly losing her freedom, or worse and her cousin's life. ------or something like that, whatever, you get what I'm saying, lol)

 

SONG OF THE SEA is a YA fantasy of ##,000 words. [Personalization, etc.] Thank you for your time and consideration.


Tiffany Rosenthal

 

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Email     tiffany.rosenthal.author@gmail.com

 

 

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#8 Ireth

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Posted 27 May 2014 - 09:59 AM

Revision #1. I think the hook is better, if nothing else. :) About the cure, there's really enough of it to go around, but the queen's court are greedy and claim there's almost none left so Rain will leave empty-handed. I don't want to give away the twist in the query, though. Seems that'd be too spoilery, IMO.

 

Dear [Agent]:

 

Fifteen-year-old mermaid Rain won't let her deafness keep her from anything – especially finding a cure for her dying cousin.

 

On her fifteenth birthday, Rain is finally old enough to join her peers in the Harvest, their coming-of-age ceremony. Unable to speak or sing, she plays the flute while the others sing to lure humans to their deaths. What should be a day of triumph turns to one of tragedy when her cousin is poisoned by a human's crude steel harpoon.

 

The only cure lies in a distant sea, fiercely protected by the merfolk's queen. Rain resolves to find it herself, and sets out with two comrades to guide her and be her ears. Humans are no threat so far below the surface, but the ocean depths hold dangers of their own. While sharks and jellyfish are bad enough, even other merfolk seek to halt Rain and her comrades. They claim there's too little of the cure left to waste it on one merman.

 

Stealing the cure from the queen herself may be Rain's only option. If she does, she risks being imprisoned or even killed for treason. But if she doesn't, her cousin will die instead.

 

SONG OF THE SEA is a YA fantasy of ##,000 words. [Personalization, etc.] Thank you for your time and consideration.


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#9 T.W.Hauth

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Posted 27 May 2014 - 02:40 PM

All I'll say is I definitely still think the end is very weak. The way you set up the stakes is very disheartening after reading the momentum you build up in the rest of the query. That being said it is good and good luck.



#10 Dottie D.

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Posted 28 May 2014 - 08:46 AM

i wonder if you can have the end be more like:  If she fails in her treasonous act, her cousin will die. If she succeeds, she could.

 

just a thought.  still not liking the deaf part about the hook unless that's really a big factor in the story. it detracts from the sense of urgency you had in your original hook.

 

just IMO



#11 C.Harmon

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Posted 29 May 2014 - 02:32 PM

I like the hook because it shows how unique your story is. However, it sounds like the whole "being deaf" hook is what you would use for a character driven story, where as I'm sure it's more plot driven. I'm sure the deaf thing is central to the story, but I don't know if relying on it to hook the agent will work. I could be completely wrong though. I do think that if there is a more action oriented hook you can think of, it may strengthen the hook and give that sense of urgency Dottie mentioned. Also, the ending does seem pretty weak.



#12 Shad Brooks

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Posted 30 May 2014 - 08:24 PM

Nice original concept here. Apart from The Little Mermaid I haven’t come across many properties that are mermaid centric.

 

I don’t feel you need to name the coming of age ceremony as you explain it is a coming of age ceremony. Dropping too many names is confusing when you want the agent to focus on the plot, not remembering names. The whole ceremony might not need to be mentioned considering it is a minor point; her cousin getting poisoned is what’s important.

 

How can she play the flute when deaf?

 

My unqualified instincts say that referencing an event in the hook (cure for dying cousin) that is a result of something happening in the following paragraph is disjointed.

 

If possible I feel trying to combine the concepts of both the hook and next paragraph into one hook would work much better, or just order the events chronologically. Example:

 

Mermaids lure humans to their deaths by singing, which works against the mermaid Rain considerably considering that she is deaf.

 

But when her cousin is poisoned by a human’s harpoon she is the only one brave enough to venture out into the distant sea for the cure.

 

Just an example.

 

Who are the comrades and why do they go with her. Are they friends? Them simply saying – sets out with two friends - works much better for why do the friends go with her? Because they are her friends of course.

 

Why is there too little of the cure? Instead if you say the cure is too rare, it answers both the reason why there’s too little and why they might not give it to her. Still this strikes me as a plot hole. Why would they not give the cure to someone when the purpose of the cure is to cure those it cures? Hope that makes sense. Does the cure do other more important things then cure lowly merfolk?

 

Overall I feel the query needs to be more engaging but on a more fundamental story level I feel there are many rules that have no real logical self explanatory reason for being in place apart form that that’s what the rule is. The cure is protected by the queen, why? The harpoon was laced with a specific poison that only has one cure, how? Mermaids kill humans through song, why? The cure is very far away from the place where the poison infects people, why?

 

I can be a little blunt and I’m sorry for it, just trying to help.

 

I’ll keep an eye out for your update.

 

Good luck.



#13 Ireth

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Posted 30 May 2014 - 08:44 PM

Thanks for your comments, Shad! I hope my response clears things up a little.

 

Nice original concept here. Apart from The Little Mermaid I haven’t come across many properties that are mermaid centric.

 

I don’t feel you need to name the coming of age ceremony as you explain it is a coming of age ceremony. Dropping too many names is confusing when you want the agent to focus on the plot, not remembering names. The whole ceremony might not need to be mentioned considering it is a minor point; her cousin getting poisoned is what’s important. That's up for debate. I'm trying to come up with a way to involve the ceremony moreso than as a device to trigger the main plot. I named it because it would otherwise seem a bit odd, IMO, to have a coming-of-age ceremony involving murder. It's very important to their culture; I explain it a bit more below.

 

How can she play the flute when deaf? She memorizes finger placements rather than specific tunes.

 

My unqualified instincts say that referencing an event in the hook (cure for dying cousin) that is a result of something happening in the following paragraph is disjointed. I agree. This is a huge problem I have with most if not all of my query hooks. My brain is very linear, and hates when things are out of chronological order. But most everyone says the hook needs to sum up the crux of the plot, and that lends itself to a non-linear order of events, and no end of frustration for me.

 

If possible I feel trying to combine the concepts of both the hook and next paragraph into one hook would work much better, or just order the events chronologically. Example:

 

Mermaids lure humans to their deaths by singing, which works against the mermaid Rain considerably considering that she is deaf.

 

But when her cousin is poisoned by a human’s harpoon she is the only one brave enough to venture out into the distant sea for the cure.

 

Just an example. I like that. ^^ Thanks!

 

Who are the comrades and why do they go with her. Are they friends? Them simply saying – sets out with two friends - works much better for why do the friends go with her? Because they are her friends of course. I thought the word "comrades" implied that they are friends, but I could make that clearer.

 

Why is there too little of the cure? Instead if you say the cure is too rare, it answers both the reason why there’s too little and why they might not give it to her. Still this strikes me as a plot hole. Why would they not give the cure to someone when the purpose of the cure is to cure those it cures? Hope that makes sense. Does the cure do other more important things then cure lowly merfolk? The cure actually ISN'T rare, but the queen's court say it is because they're greedy. I mentioned this in previous posts, and I'm not sure I want to give away that much in the query. Rain's choice to steal the cure is the same either way.

 

Overall I feel the query needs to be more engaging but on a more fundamental story level I feel there are many rules that have no real logical self explanatory reason for being in place apart form that that’s what the rule is. The cure is protected by the queen, why? Because it was over-harvested and almost wiped out completely. The harpoon was laced with a specific poison that only has one cure, how? It's not a specific poison that's put on the harpoon; the metal itself is toxic to merfolk, like silver is toxic to werewolves. Mermaids kill humans through song, why? That's how they replenish their population; they drown humans and then magically transform them into merfolk, who are then revived. The cure is very far away from the place where the poison infects people, why? Because it was originally hoarded by the queen due to scarcity (as above), but as it grew more numerous, the queen's court decided to keep hoarding it because of greed.

 

I can be a little blunt and I’m sorry for it, just trying to help. No worries. I'm just afraid that trying to explain all the reasons for things will detract from the actual plot.

 

I’ll keep an eye out for your update.

 

Good luck.


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#14 Shad Brooks

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Posted 30 May 2014 - 09:14 PM

That is the crucial balance. You need to explain the plot without leaving plot holes. You clearly have answers and reasons to all the rules but unless those rules and premises that are mentioned in your query are explained they make no sense. You shouldn't have to later explain the premises in your query for it to make sense; it needs to make so much sense in and of itself that the agent wants more.

 

I would suggest picking out two or three of the most important plots/premises and give them to us in an engaging way, concise yet fully explained. They can be really quick and easy.

For instance, How did the cousin get poisoned? Saying it like – As human mental (could be said as ‘surface metal’) is toxic to mermaids, when rain’s cousin gets injured by a harpoon she must receive the cure or die, unfortunate that the cure is stockpiled and locked away by the greedy self-protecting mermaid queen.

 

In a couple of words we explain many of the questions left open in your last query. How the cousin got poisoned and why, where the cure is, who has it and why they have it (she’s greedy and self serving). This is just an example and probably not a very good one. Hope it makes sense.

 

Good luck.



#15 Ireth

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Posted 30 May 2014 - 09:28 PM

Awesome advice, Shad. Would you mind taking a look at my other queries as well? I have a feeling they'd benefit greatly from what you have to say. :)


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#16 Shad Brooks

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Posted 30 May 2014 - 09:40 PM

I would love to. Are you talking about other queries for this story or for other books? If so just post the links and I will hop over and have a look.



#17 Ireth

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Posted 30 May 2014 - 10:09 PM

I would love to. Are you talking about other queries for this story or for other books? If so just post the links and I will hop over and have a look.

 

Other stories. :) The links are all in my signature. Thank you very much!


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#18 fishmom

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Posted 21 August 2014 - 09:52 PM

Revision #1. I think the hook is better, if nothing else. :) About the cure, there's really enough of it to go around, but the queen's court are greedy and claim there's almost none left so Rain will leave empty-handed. I don't want to give away the twist in the query, though. Seems that'd be too spoilery, IMO.

 

Dear [Agent]:

 

Fifteen-year-old mermaid Rain won't let her deafness keep her from anything – especially finding a cure for her dying cousin. Nice hook, but it makes the last sentence of the next paragraph seem repetitive.

 

On her fifteenth birthday, Rain is finally old enough to join her peers in the Harvest, their coming-of-age ceremony. This is interesting but doesn't tie in with the opening sentence. Unable to speak or sing, she plays the flute I agree with other comments: How does she know how to play the flute? while the others sing to lure humans to their deaths. What should be a day of triumph turns to one of tragedy when her cousin is poisoned by a human's crude steel harpoon. This detail is intriguing. I like knowing that it's a human harpoon that poisons her cousin, but I'd like to know why it poisons her. Is steel poison to mermaids?

 

The only cure lies in a distant sea, fiercely protected by the merfolk's queen. Rain resolves to find it herself, and sets out with two comrades to guide her and be her ears. Humans are no threat so far below the surface, but tThe ocean depths hold dangers of their own are full of danger. While sharks and jellyfish are bad enough, even other merfolk seek to halt Rain and her comrades. They claim there's too little of the cure left to waste it on one merman. The ocean depths are full of danger: sharks, jellyfish, and hostile merfolk seeking to protect what little remains of the cure.

 

Stealing the cure from the queen herself may be Rain's only option. If she does, she risks being imprisoned or even killed for treason. But if she doesn't, her cousin will die instead. If she gets caught, she risks imprisonment or death for committing treason. I think the death of her cousin is implied above.

 

SONG OF THE SEA is a YA fantasy of ##,000 words. [Personalization, etc.] Thank you for your time and consideration.



#19 Ajax

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Posted 21 August 2014 - 10:33 PM

You could add more plotlines. I would love to hear more about the search for the cure. Merely stating the "dangers" made the query look a bit devoid of imagination. What are the specific dangers faced by the protagonist and how does she overcome them? Tease us! Mention some details.

I was intrigued by the mention of the harpoon. You could expand upon the relationship between the mermaids and the humans. Tell the human-side of the story. Do they pose a danger to the protagonist?

#20 Ireth

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Posted 25 September 2014 - 02:20 PM

Dear [Agent]:

 

Fifteen-year-old mermaid Rain-on-Waves is finally ready to become a siren, deafness or no deafness. During the Harvest, the merfolk's annual coming-of-age ceremony, she and her peers drown humans to later transform them into merfolk. But this year the humans have a secret weapon: one of their number is deaf too, and thus immune to the would-be sirens' song. When the deaf man gravely wounds Rain's cousin, she drowns and transforms him in revenge.

 

The healers say the only cure for Rain's cousin lies in a distant sea, heavily guarded by the queen of the merfolk. Rain resolves to find it herself, and sets out with three others, including her cousin's attacker, so he can right his wrong. Humans are no threat to them so far below the surface, but sharks and jellyfish are. Even other merfolk seek to halt Rain and her comrades, claiming the cure has all but run dry. This, Rain soon finds, is a lie. Now she must decide whether stealing from the queen herself, and risking imprisonment or execution, is a risk worth taking to save her cousin.

 

SONG OF THE SEA is a YA fantasy of ##,000 words. [Personalization, etc.] Thank you for your time and consideration.


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/





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