First, I want to thank you for looking at my query Second, I want to apologize that it has taken me a few days to repay the favor (at first glance I didn't see your query, but now that I found it, here goes). Also, I jumped right to your latest version.
Holy shit guys! All of your feedback combined managed to slim this thing back down to 250 words! That's totally blown me away. I can't thank each of you enough for your time and thoughts. Seriously, I can't believe the progress that's been made in only a week! It's makes me very excited about my query class at litreactor.com next week. There's no way I could have hoped to impress having been on my own. So thank you all a million once again. I hope I'm close now after this new polish. But, before I post, I guess there's a question to answer from K. West.
The names from the subtitle belong to Dani's parents. Their the other two significant POV's in the story. (Pretty much the reason the story is over 120k more or less). But given the restraints of the query form--focusing on Dani and Drago is pretty much the only option since they are the two main characters of this potential series (protagonist and antagonist, respectively).
Otherwise, I hope the 5th times the charm, (or really, really close!)
PS: I will make sure to visit/revist each of your queries again in return shortly, of course. :)
Five year oldFive-year-old Dani Redfield peed herself the night she was taken from home. Stuffed in a cold white room, where is this room and who took her? she cries for her parents. She had been sick the previous week. That’s all she knows. A voice seizes her mind when she catches a glimpse of the Director of her school. As powerful as ocean waves, yet as sweet as her Mama’s, it lulls her into a trance, tempting her to do just one small thing. Kill him. At first glance I'm confused. Don't get me wrong, I like some of the imagery in your writing, but this sounds more like something I may see in your book than what belongs in a query (especially in the hook). It needs to draw me in, not confuse me. Right now I get that Dani is five and was taken from her home. I don't know who took her or why. A voice (I don't know who's or why she can hear it, is she special?) that tells her to kill the director of her school. Again, we don't know why.
Before she can, her freedom is restored how long was she in captivity? a day, a month, 5 years...thanks to the school’s founder when you mention school's founder here as restoring her freedom it sounds like he is a good guy (although he could have an alterior motive), but in the first paragraph it sounds like he is a bad guy the way the voice (assuming the voice is a good guy) wants her to kill him. and her parent’s employer, Archer Drago. As an apology, he gives her a new home, school, personal escort, and freedom to roam one of the space colony’s districts, her first taste of Earth. Dani can’t imagine being happier. So she was taken by mistake?
Her escort though is no ordinary aide. She is a trained killer, and enlightens Dani about things sweet little girls shouldn’t know what things?, as well as the fact Dani’s illness was no illness at all what was it then?. Her parents know the truth, and have lied to her all her life. why? Meanwhile, the voice only grows more impatient in her, craving absolute control.
After a botched attempt by an android to kidnap her on her way to school, Dani realizes she’s nothing more than Drago’s bait to catch a spy. Seems like a bit of a jump to this line. How does she come to realize that she is drago's bait to catch a spy? and what spy? With no one left to trust, she must unravel the mysterious link between her illness and the voice herself.
Even if it means killing someone. Is Dani still five here or was she in captivity longer? It feels like it would be hard for a five-year-old to take on the director of her school, her parents, some spy and killing people as a result of a voice in her head.
RECODED VOLUME I: ALAN AND RACHAEL is a 123,000 word social sci-fi novel.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
--Ryan K Alford
Overall, I think there is an intersting idea here. Dani has to overcome her parents and a school director that have been keeping a secret from her, but the voice in her head is luring her to find out that secret. But past that, I feel like I'm missing something. It's a little too vague. I get that you may not want to let the reader know what's behind her illness, but going back and re-reading the first paragraph it sounds more like she has a cough or runny nose, and not some life ending disease? But it would be helpful to draw me in more if I knew more about what's going on. What's the voice in her head? Is someone controlling it? the spy? And why does the voice want the director dead? And who side are her parents on? The directors? Or is the director threatening them and thats why they are going along with him. I think you get where I'm going here. I think if you can get the backbone of the story down, your imagery with naturally come through.
Hope my comments help!