Jump to content

Disclaimer



Photo
- - - - -

RECODED (Adult Social Scifi)

Fiction Science Fiction

  • Please log in to reply
107 replies to this topic

#41 ryankalford

ryankalford

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 181 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, unagented
  • LocationUS Southwest

Posted 28 March 2016 - 08:30 PM

Thanks for the enthusiastic thumbs up, ireth! Appericate it.

 

In regards to Dani's young age, you're not the first person who's raised that concern (and most likely won't be the last XD). I guess I would answer that by saying if Dani were written at the intellgience/comprehension level of a normal five-year-old, it probably would be too much a clash in tone for her to work in an adult book, but given the driving force of her story is being forced to disregard her childish innocence and "grow up" despite her physical age (i.e. Terrible things happen to her), I feel she's very relatable from an adult's perspective.

 

Ironically, it's the adult's POV side of things that's given me more trouble from the reader's perspective instead of Dani. Even a critqiue friend who declined to read the full story after a few chapters said she wished it was centered more around Dani solely. That, and the agent I submitted to last year (that I"m working on rewrites for due to a resubmission invitation)--while not pointing to any particular specifics in her feedback in her rejection email--would leave me to wager Dani's sections were what inclinded her to offer me resubmission after a potential revamp of the early adult POV's.

 

There was one mentor in PitchWars who told me a child in an adult novel just flat out did not work for him (even though he gushes over YA--the logic seems weird to me) . . . but it didn't much bother me given the overwhemling positives Dani has garnered in total feedback. Not everyone will like what you do at the end of the day, after all.

 

Just as long as the majority "get it." :)        


RECODED <250 EDITING FEEDBACK + ADVICE

http://agentquerycon...t-social-scifi/

 

RECODED QUERY (FINISHED???)

http://agentquerycon...scifi/?p=250665

 

RECODED: GENESIS (Dani POV) 250

http://agentquerycon...t-social-scifi/

 
RECODED: Chapter 1 (Lillian POV) 250

http://agentquerycon...-social-sci-fi/

 

RECODED Synopsis (REWRITING SOON)

http://agentquerycon...t-social-scifi/


#42 Springfield

Springfield

    Find me at properediting.com

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 766 posts
  • Literary Status:published
  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 29 March 2016 - 01:31 PM

 

Posting a new version of my query, mainly due to changing the gender of the Director to female. Just double checking the pronouns don't trip over each other.. 

 

_____

 

Query:
 
Five-year-old Dani Redfield knows that genes are the building blocks of life. What she doesn’t know is hers have mutated. 

Her father, Alan Redfield, hides that fact by making his co-workers think it’s a virus transmitted from her mother. Wait, I'm already confused - he hides the fact that she doesn't know her genes have mutated (don't many people's?) or that hers have. Also, think what's a virus? Rachael Redfield suspects otherwise, since she’s never had it, but Alan throws her off his scent by calling her a liar during a fight. Huh? I don't know what's happened to the kid, and I don't know how calling someone a liar would throw them off the scent of suspecting you're guilty of something - or why that's in the query at all.

Together, they shape a loving family in distress, one which the Director of Dani’s school would savor to tear apart. She doesn’t like having a flaw among her prestigious products: children of high intelligence and superior immunity to disease. WHAT FLAW? Does she have eight legs? Is she purple? Unicorn horn? WHAT? When Dani becomes sick, she turns into a stain upon the project and the Director's reputation.What project? What project does a unicorn horn not enhance?  A stain the Director must wipe away.

Lucky for her, Dani overhears her parents fighting, and tells her counselor. That she heard her parents fighting? Using that information as leverage, the Director seizes Dani from home, and arrests her parents for conspiracy. Ok, up until now, this seemed like present-day, normal Earth. Now it's clear it's not, but I've got no clue what it is.A flaw no longer, the first human ever to survive a genetic mutation will be the Director's greatest achievement. Huh? People survive genetic mutation. Hell, that's how we got to be human in the first place.

But little could she suspect the implications of Dani's transformation. Into a unicorn? Yeah, that'd be a bit surprising. Locked within an observation room, Dani sees the Director through the two-way mirror that separates them. Driven by her overwhelming grief, antecedent and clarity. Whose grief over what? her mind instantly knows two things: she can kill her, and save her parents . . . but only at the cost of her innocence. This utterly fizzles, as I've got next to no clue what's going on, and thus the stakes, such as they are (these are not stakes really, total false choice), do nothing.
 
RECODED is a 100,000 word adult social sci-fi novel with series potential. Social scifi?

 

 

If I were an agent, I'd reject this just on the coy factor. It's way irksome.



#43 Thrash

Thrash

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 635 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 29 March 2016 - 06:24 PM

*To give you an idea of how your newest version is hitting fresh eyes, the latest version is all I've read. 

 

While I disagree with some of the above poster, (you can be a little coy) the main issue I have is essentially the same--too much is left off.  For one thing, genetic mutation as a phrase by itself is too simple--it covers everything from sickle cell to albinoism. There's a super simple fix to this though--you need a proper noun. Genetic Mutation X.  Capital letters and a made up word lets us know two things right away 1) this is speculative and 2) it's not a average run of the mill mutation. 

 

BUT I don't have a problem with the MC's age after the first sentence. If the kid knows about genes, she's not average. 



#44 ryankalford

ryankalford

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 181 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, unagented
  • LocationUS Southwest

Posted 31 July 2016 - 12:11 AM

Okay . . . um . . . yeah . .. . I think I just lost my mind . . .

 

_______________________

 

Dear Agent,

 

Dani Redfield’s a five-year-old, short and sweet.

 

She’s a clever little gal with mutated genes.

 

It’s true, it’s true. Why just watch what she can do!

 

She can solve Pythagorean theorems in lighting speed.

 

She can read your mind with rising glee.

 

She can even cause aneurysms that make you bleed.

 

So don’t tee her off, or you'll regret it,

 

Take her parents away, and watch her cry. (Hurt her parents and hear her cry?)

 

I’ll strike you dead in the blink of an eye!

 

RECODED is a 100,000 word adult social sci-fi novel with series potential.

 

________________________________

 

So yeah . . .. I guess this is my big fat middle finger to just about every rule of thumb for queries imagineable (minus mentioning the character's age. Can't break that one, haha). Finally gotten around to reworking the 1st act of Recoded after getting the series of breakthroughs I needed in my head in terms of the proper direction needed and everything. Problem is it meant I basically need to redo my query from scratch since it doesn't really gel as well with the changes (primarly Lillian not being much of an antagonist POV so much as another geniune POV character). And given my story is already a clusterfuck to condense and explain the parrllel plot/character threading going on, it just became even worse. Actually tried antoher stab at doing the query the old-fashioned way, and wasn't much happy with it at all, and quite franky--sick of this shit.

 

So what inspired this craizness (more like desperation)? I remembered one particular example from QueryShark's blog about a writer who did something similar to this. Something even simplier and less lines. Completely went against everything the query is supposed to be, but totally had Janet Reid interested to read--which of course is the entire point of writing these things, right? So this crazy idea came to me of taking the teapot song (certain lines being a recurring motif in the book anyway) and trying to shape it around the bare esscense of Dani and the core concept. Took an hour, ninty minutes tops tonight to do. Should I laugh or cry, AQ? It's either a complete and utter failure, or sheer genius. I can't decide. :/ 


RECODED <250 EDITING FEEDBACK + ADVICE

http://agentquerycon...t-social-scifi/

 

RECODED QUERY (FINISHED???)

http://agentquerycon...scifi/?p=250665

 

RECODED: GENESIS (Dani POV) 250

http://agentquerycon...t-social-scifi/

 
RECODED: Chapter 1 (Lillian POV) 250

http://agentquerycon...-social-sci-fi/

 

RECODED Synopsis (REWRITING SOON)

http://agentquerycon...t-social-scifi/


#45 ryankalford

ryankalford

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 181 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, unagented
  • LocationUS Southwest

Posted 04 August 2016 - 07:11 PM

Okay, figured I'd just go ahead and bump this instead of an edit since I tinkered with the latter half to make it reflect the story a bit better. Feeling more confident about this, despite its utter lunacy. I feel it takes care of the "coy" factor that hampered my previous query. Just instead of elaborating and falling short with trying to explain all the details, this is more "here's the character, here's what she can do, and "Ohhhhh booooyyy, look what she did in that first act climax!" It's simple, understandable and direct, and hopefully even more intriging with what's left unsaid and the possibities it inspires than what I've tried before. That and using childish rhymes to contrast the not-so-innocent things helps express the inner struggle Dani faces herself in the story. 

 

But . . . still could be complete garbage for all I know. :/

 

__________

 

Dear Agent,

 

Dani Redfield’s a five-year-old, short and sweet.

 

She’s a clever little gal spliced with alien genes.

 

Oh, It’s true, it’s true. Why just listen to what she can do!

 

She can solve Pythagorean theorems in lighting speed.

 

She can read your mind with rising glee.

 

She can even cause aneurysms that make you bleed.

 

So don’t tee her off like that one old lady creep,

 

Who arrested Dani's parents, and made her so terribly weep.

 

Because Dani sent that cruel hag tumbling straight

 

Into everlasting sleep!

 

RECODED is a 100,000 word adult social sci-fi novel with series potential.


RECODED <250 EDITING FEEDBACK + ADVICE

http://agentquerycon...t-social-scifi/

 

RECODED QUERY (FINISHED???)

http://agentquerycon...scifi/?p=250665

 

RECODED: GENESIS (Dani POV) 250

http://agentquerycon...t-social-scifi/

 
RECODED: Chapter 1 (Lillian POV) 250

http://agentquerycon...-social-sci-fi/

 

RECODED Synopsis (REWRITING SOON)

http://agentquerycon...t-social-scifi/


#46 ryankalford

ryankalford

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 181 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, unagented
  • LocationUS Southwest

Posted 14 August 2016 - 12:19 PM

Hey everyone!

 

So, after randomly playing with my query this morning (too much listening to the Joker's Killing Joke song, maybe?), I added some new lines in an effort to flesh it out a bit more with clarifying the setting and conflict and stakes. I know this childish rhyme approach is pretty far out there . . . but it's really grown on me.

 

__________

 

 

Dear Agent,

 

Dani Redfield’s a five-year-old, short and sweet.

 

Orbiting the Earth abroad the space colony Heaven's Reach.

 

A clever little gal. One who's spliced with alien genes.

 

Able to perform miraculous and truly wonderous deeds.

 

Solving Pythagorean theorems with ultra lightening speed.

 

Reading people's noggins in secretive rising glee.

 

Or casuing aneurysms that make poor brains bleed. 

 

So don’t tee her off,  like that one lady creep.

 

Who arrested Dani's parent's, and made her so terribly weep.

 

Because Dani sent that cruel hag tumbling straight

 

Into everlasting sleep!

 

RECODED is a 100,000 word adult social sci-fi novel with series potential.

 

___________

 

EDIT: Hmm, I'm not really sure this is working like I hoped. Reading it aloud is one thing, but silently it flows a little different, but I dont' know if it's my mind or what. Maybe time for another approach? If only it could be that easy . . . *sigh* Keep my options open for now until more opinions. 

 

EDIT 2: Keep it for now until more opinions come in (but may try to draft a more traditional query again in meantime). But if reading aloud trumps silent reading (when it comes to sentence syntax and construction) . . .  it should be good?


RECODED <250 EDITING FEEDBACK + ADVICE

http://agentquerycon...t-social-scifi/

 

RECODED QUERY (FINISHED???)

http://agentquerycon...scifi/?p=250665

 

RECODED: GENESIS (Dani POV) 250

http://agentquerycon...t-social-scifi/

 
RECODED: Chapter 1 (Lillian POV) 250

http://agentquerycon...-social-sci-fi/

 

RECODED Synopsis (REWRITING SOON)

http://agentquerycon...t-social-scifi/


#47 artbyandream

artbyandream

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 19 posts
  • Literary Status:unagented
  • LocationUS South
  • Publishing Experience:None so far, I've just re-written my second manuscript and decided to start looking for agents.

Posted 15 August 2016 - 09:08 PM

You're so cool I wish I had the guts to do that.



#48 Navin

Navin

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 240 posts
  • Literary Status:in-between agents
  • LocationAsia
  • Publishing Experience:Have been in media for two decades and written hundreds of stories.

Posted 16 August 2016 - 09:33 PM

Hey,

 

You may have a superb story; I can feel it from the sound of it. But the query is way off the mark. It deals with only the plight of a kid, not telling us what she wants, what stops him from what he wants, and what happens if he does not get what he wants.  You must attend to these three simple aspects of  query writing, and you will see how things fall in line. Must focus on what a character wants, bring in his  conflict  and pile on stake.  I’m a beginner like you, and I know it is tough task to write a perfect query. But then there are guidelines we should follow, until we are master of the craft to break them.

 

In the given query, the kid, I suppose your protagonist, is not doing anything, but  is at the mercy of her captors. Give her some power and strength. No one likes a wimp!

 

Another thing, your book is far too long at 123,000 words for a new author.  You must brutally edit it. Bring it below 100,000.

 

Hope it helps. Navin

 

 

Pls have a look at my query  fore The  MESSENGER : http://agentquerycon...-journey/page-3



#49 Navin

Navin

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 240 posts
  • Literary Status:in-between agents
  • LocationAsia
  • Publishing Experience:Have been in media for two decades and written hundreds of stories.

Posted 16 August 2016 - 09:35 PM

Five year old Dani Redfield peed herself the night she was taken from home. Stuffed in a cold white room, she cries for her parents. She had been sick the previous week. That’s all she knows. A voice seizes her mind when she catches a glimpse of the Director of her school. As powerful as ocean waves, yet as sweet as her Mama’s, it lulls her into a trance, tempting her to do just one small thing. Kill him.

 

(She had been sick the previous week. That’s all five-year-old Dani Redfield  knows. Away from home and parents and confined to a cold white room, when she  catches a glimpse of  the Director of her school, she hears a strange voice.  As powerful as ocean waves, yet as sweet as her Mama’s, it lulls her into a trance, tempting her to do just one small thing. Kill him.)

 

Before she can, her freedom is restored  ( try to avoid passive voice in a query letter) thanks to the school’s founder and her parent’s employer, Archer Drago. As an apology, he gives her a new home, school, personal escort, and freedom to roam one of the space colony’s districts, her first taste of Earth. Dani can’t imagine being happier.

Before she can, her school’s founder,  Archer Drago, restores her freedom and gifts her  a new home,  a escort, and liberty to roam one of the space colony’s districts. She gets  her first taste of Earth. Dani can’t imagine being happier. ( So, she does not even miss her parents?)

 

 Her escort though is no ordinary aide. She is a trained killer, and enlightens Dani about things sweet little girls shouldn’t know, as well as the fact Dani’s illness was no illness at all who  shares with  Dani creepy secrets like  her  illness was no illness at all and her  parents  lied to her about it throughout. Her parents know the truth, and have lied to her all her life. Meanwhile, the voice only grows more impatient in her, craving absolute control. ( of what?)

 

After a botched attempt by an android to kidnap her on her way to school, Dani realizes she’s nothing more than Drago’s bait to catch a spy. With no one left to trust, she must unravel the mysterious link between her illness and the voice herself.  ( It says nothing. Don’t imagine your readers know the story like you do)



#50 ryankalford

ryankalford

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 181 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, unagented
  • LocationUS Southwest

Posted 17 August 2016 - 08:58 PM

Hey Navin,

 

I hate to say this . . . but you used a really old version of my query (2014 old). But, I don't mind doing a bump with my latest version since I tweaked it a bit. And, an opportunity to explore some of the points you raised so your comments aren't wasted . . .

 

_________

 

Dear Agent,

 

Dani Redfield’s a five-year-old, short and sweet.

 

Orbiting the Earth abroad the space colony Heaven's Reach.

 

She's a clever little gal. One who's spliced with alien genes.

 

Able to perform miraculous and oh-so wondrous deeds.

 

Solving Pythagorean theorems with ultra lightening speed.

 

Reading people's noggins in secretive rising glee.

 

Or inducing aneurysms that make a poor brain bleed. 

 

So don’t tee her off. Not like that old lady creep.

 

Who arrested Dani's parent's, and made her so terribly weep.

 

Because Dani sent that cruel hag tumbling

 

Into everlasting sleep!

 

RECODED is a 100,000 word adult social sci-fi novel with series potential.

 
_________
 
So . . . yeah. There's been some significant changes in my direction. You can find two critiques of my previous query in Post #42 and #43 by Springfield and Thrash, respectively, if you're interested. But, I'd like to break down my new approach with your comments.
 
#
 

Dear Agent,

 

Dani Redfield’s a five-year-old, short and sweet.             [My MC introduction with her age, aka the "Who?"]

 

Orbiting the Earth abroad the space colony Heaven's Reach.         [Setting of the novel, aka the "Where?"]

 

She's a clever little gal. One who's spliced with alien genes.          [The next few lines deal in explaining the concept of the story]

 

Able to perform miraculous and oh-so wondrous deeds.

 

Solving Pythagorean theorems with ultra lightening speed.

 

Reading people's noggins in secretive rising glee.

 

Or inducing aneurysms that make a poor brain bleed. 

 

So don’t tee her off. Not like that old lady creep.            [Next two lines introduce the stakes, aka "What Dani whats, and what stands in her way]

 

Who arrested Dani's parent's, and made her so terribly weep.

 

Because Dani sent that cruel hag tumbling

 

Into everlasting sleep!                                      [And we end on the high note of "What happens when she doesn't get what she wants."]

 

RECODED is a 100,000 word adult social sci-fi novel with series potential.

 

#

 

So . . . yes, this is way off the mark of a traditional query, haha. But I think this one satisfies all the conditiosn I've needed. As you noted in the older one you picked apart, I was having issues then with explaining the story by trying to strictly adhere to Dani's POV's, which given she's mostly a passive character (on purpose), doesn't really fly all too well on the query. That, and it was damn near a synopsis at that point. So the final evolution of that one that Springfield and Trash critqiued included the wider scope of the 1st Act with Dani's parents and the antagonist. But as they noted, it had a couple issues. Now, that one served me decently well--getting a thumbs up from an agent in a workshop class, and a couple postive comments from PitchWar mentors last year whom I submitted to (no delusions of getting picked, of course. Was simply interested in feedback). And not to mention the agent I'm currently redrafting for didn't seem to have any issues with it.

 

But still, the issues Springfield and Thrash raised were legit ones, and I'm not one to rest on laurels, but I also didn't see a way to fix it. Plus, with my rewrites for the 1st Act, I was going to have to redo it anyway, but I could already tell it was going to be even more messier than before. Soooooo . . . I decided to flip my lid, recalling one QueryShark example that was similar to what I have now that was so literally insane in terms of following the forumla, but won her approval for peak at pages because it did the one thing that matters above all in queries--entice the agent to read on.

 

Now, whether, I've done that with mixing the childish rhyme scheme with adult seriousness, I'm still weighing. But I think it makes perfect sense. It provides a unique voice, get's across the core concept directly at a very easy level-to-grasp, and shows the main conflict of the novel--a souped up science project of a totally not normal little girl having to deal with things no child her age should ever have to deal with. So instead of trying to spell out all the intricties of the plot with the adult characters (who certainly have a more active agency in things by design) and getting everything so muddled, it seems better to just say "Hey, here's Dani, this five year old with crazy smarts and powers, and look at what happens when somebody tries to take her parents away because there trying to take her because obviously she's valuable, right?"

 

So anyway, I'm just trying to explain my thinking. I'll end by saying that, at the very least, you can't say she sounds like much a wimp anymore, eh? XD

 

Regardless of the query, thanks for taking a look. Apperciate it!


RECODED <250 EDITING FEEDBACK + ADVICE

http://agentquerycon...t-social-scifi/

 

RECODED QUERY (FINISHED???)

http://agentquerycon...scifi/?p=250665

 

RECODED: GENESIS (Dani POV) 250

http://agentquerycon...t-social-scifi/

 
RECODED: Chapter 1 (Lillian POV) 250

http://agentquerycon...-social-sci-fi/

 

RECODED Synopsis (REWRITING SOON)

http://agentquerycon...t-social-scifi/


#51 BumbleBee

BumbleBee

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 68 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 18 August 2016 - 02:16 AM

Hey so I wanted to give an extra hard disclaimer cause while I'm upfront about not knowing anything much about queries and writing, I will be extra extra upfront about knowing absolutely NOTHING about poetry.

 

I think the reason you haven't gotten as much feedback on the new version is because you're right, it's so far out of the box that it's scary to say - this is right! Because we don't want to lead you astray, but we don't want to say - this is wrong....for the exact same reason! 

 

But at the end of the day you're always better off regretting doing something than regretting NOT doing something, so I say go for it! Worst case scenario no one bites, you rework it and resubmit.

 

So now that my extra hard disclaimer has been expressed, I'll try and give you some feedback....with no guarantee or expectations of it's quality so if you completely disregard it that's fine.

 

I'm an elementary teacher and have taught kindergarten for 5 years so I'm familiar with nursery rhymes (singing Mary Had a Little Lamb in the shower makes me think I'm too familiar) so I'm going to look at your query assuming you're going for an eerie-children-of-the-corn-style nursery rhyme.

 

OK to break it down

red means no rhyme

orange means slant rhyme

green means true rhyme

 

/ means stressed

u means unstressed

 

I may get this part wrong...it's been a loooooooong time since I had to analyse meter and I was never very good at it.

 

 

 

_________

 

Dear Agent,

 

 

/ u    /     u       u /     u       u    /       u   /

Dani Redfield’s a five-year-old, short and sweet.

 

 

/   u  u     u    /       uu       u    u       / u u    /     u         /

Orbiting the Earth abroad the space colony Heaven's Reach.

 

 

/        u   /   /   l u    u    /      u       /           u      /u    u

She's a clever little gal. One who's spliced with alien genes.

 

 

 /     u  u     /      / / u   u      u     u  u  /    u  u    /

Able to perform miraculous and oh-so wondrous deeds.

 

 

 u  /      /   /     /   u     /     u       u    / u  /   /   u      /

Solving Pythagorean theorems with ultra lightening speed.

 

 

/         u  /  u        /    u     /   /   /  u     / u     /

Reading people's noggins in secretive rising glee.

 

 

/    / u u       /   / u         /    u        u  u     /       /

Or inducing aneurysms that make a poor brain bleed

 

 

/     /       u    u    u   /     u     u    /    / u    / 

So don’t tee her off. Not like that old lady creep.

 

/        u/u        /u       / u          u     u      u    u  /uu      / 

Who arrested Dani's parent's, and made her so terribly weep.

 

 

 / u           / u   /       /    /   /  /       / u

Because Dani sent that cruel hag tumbling

 

/ u   /   / /   u     /

Into everlasting sleep!

 

RECODED is a 100,000 word adult social sci-fi novel with series potential.

 
_________
 
I don't think you're following a rhyming scheme or metrical feet, which is ok because lots of old and new children's rhymes and songs don't.
 
But because the nature of children's nursery poetry relies primarily on oral tradition and transmission they often employ either a more common rhyming scheme or repetition of a key phrase, and they often tell a simple story. (think of 'This little piggy' no rhymes but easy to remember because it repeats the pattern and creates a story)
 
 
You've got the poem's story, little girl, magic abilities, dark twist at the end, but I'm concerned that because you don't follow a rhyming scheme OR a rhythmic pattern this would be a difficult poem to remember and transmit.
 
Here's an example of a truly horrifying children's song made up for an episode of Buffy - 
 
If that's the kind of tone you're going for (using Dani's position as innocent child to create horror at the indifference to acts of evil) then I think your poem would be better served by creating a more stanza-based traditional rhyming scheme.
 
If you agree with my opinions I'd be happy to try and take a wack at finding rhyming words with you....it is entirely possible that I'm just overthinking things and you don't want your query to be 'gimmicky.'
 
So I think that if you're happy with it as is, then go for it! It conveys the story, character and stakes.
 
If you'd like to try a more traditional-children's-poem style I'm happy to help if you'd like.
 
It's really exciting to see something so new! I've got my fingers crossed!


#52 ryankalford

ryankalford

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 181 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, unagented
  • LocationUS Southwest

Posted 18 August 2016 - 09:44 PM

Hey Bumblebee,

 

Once again, thanks for going above and beyond the call of duty! Excuse me for being a bit short, but it's a bit late here. I'm very glad to know that you think the query esstentials are all there (as confirmation I'm not being delusional, hehe). I'm feeling pretty confident now about it, but I've just been concerned about it reading smoothly with no hitches (since that is the risk with trying to be fancy like this), and it's kinda hard for me to tell because my readings seem inconsistent at times. But thank you for pointing out the rhyme differences. I've tweaked a new version below trying to solve those issues (outside glee, anyway, which is at least a qusai rhyme, at least).   

 

My inspiration for the structure was the teapot song (hence the short and sweet line at the start of the previous drafts). I wanted it to sound cute rather than a errie kinda thing. Like the last stanzas being the equivilent of "When I get all steamed up, I just shout! Tip me over, and pour me out!" which Dani does to the old lady. Anyway, while this query is being "cute" in a way--I don't want to go overboard as you put it. I'm not sure if a more traditional rhyme would hinder thestory clarity, and since that is the ultimate purpose, again, if you think it reads well, I think I can live with it as is.

 

Thanks so much for the rhyming pointers! 

 

 

__________

 

Dear Agent,

 

Five-year-old Dani Redfield’s a precious little peach.

 

Orbiting the Earth abroad the space colony Heaven's Reach.

 

Her Xanos genes imbedded, spliced with alien seeds.

 

Able to perform miraculous, awe-inspiring deeds.

 

Like solving Pythagorean theorems, faster than a hover-car speeds.

 

Reading people's noggins, in mischievous rising glee.

 

Or inducing aneurysms, that make a poor brain bleed. 

 

So don’t blow her steam--like that one lady creep.

 

Who arrested Dani's parent's, and made her so terribly weep.

 

Because Dani sent that cruel hag down to meet

 

Her everlasting sleep!

 

RECODED is a 100,000 word adult social sci-fi novel with series potential.


RECODED <250 EDITING FEEDBACK + ADVICE

http://agentquerycon...t-social-scifi/

 

RECODED QUERY (FINISHED???)

http://agentquerycon...scifi/?p=250665

 

RECODED: GENESIS (Dani POV) 250

http://agentquerycon...t-social-scifi/

 
RECODED: Chapter 1 (Lillian POV) 250

http://agentquerycon...-social-sci-fi/

 

RECODED Synopsis (REWRITING SOON)

http://agentquerycon...t-social-scifi/


#53 BumbleBee

BumbleBee

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 68 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 18 August 2016 - 10:12 PM

My pleasure. It's summer vacation so looking at queries is fun, each one is a bit like a puzzle.  :happy:

 

I completely agree with not going full-stanza-mode, I was afraid that it might detract from the story and become gimmicky so I think you're wise to avoid it.

 

I think now that you have a clear rhyming pattern both the effect and your story are coming across well. I guess all that's left now is unto the breach with you!

 

Whenever you start I'll be sending good thoughts your way  :smile:



#54 A.M.Rose

A.M.Rose

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 200 posts
  • Literary Status:published, industry insider
  • LocationUS Southwest
  • Publishing Experience:Debut book coming 2018 from Entangled Teen.

Posted 20 August 2016 - 04:11 PM

You have a very interesting approach. And while I applaud you for your creativity, I am curious to know how it will be received. A query letter has been said to be like a business letter, so I am not sure this hits that mark. 

 

I am not sure I would abandon the entire "traditional" query letter all together either. If you send this out and don't get a good response (requests for partials or fulls) you may have to revisit the more traditional approach. 

 

I would say to follow your heart and do what you think is best to showcase your story. 

 

Best of luck to you!


A.M.Rose

 

Road to Eugenica available from Entangled Teen February 2018

 

Not Innocent available from Entangled Teen Spring 2019

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


#55 Navin

Navin

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 240 posts
  • Literary Status:in-between agents
  • LocationAsia
  • Publishing Experience:Have been in media for two decades and written hundreds of stories.

Posted 20 August 2016 - 09:57 PM

Hi, I found the following   query in a similar format on query shark: http://queryshark.bl...&max-results=19

 

 

Tuesday, December 4, 2012
A lyrical query!
 
Dear Sir or Madam, 

Will you read my book?
It took me years to write, will you take a look?
It's based on a novel by a man named Lear
And I need a job, so I want to be a paperback writer,


It's a dirty story of a dirty man
And his clinging wife doesn't understand.
Their son is working for the Daily Mail,
It's a steady job but he wants to be a paperback writer,


It's a thousand pages, give or take a few,
I'll be writing more in a week or two.
I can make it longer if you like the style,
I can change it round and I want to be a paperback writer,


If you really like it you can have the rights,
It could make a million for you overnight.
If you must return it, you can send it here
But I need a break and I want to be a paperback writer,

Sincerely,

A. Beatle

 

 

Pls go to the  Query shark website and follow the trail of this query. it may help. I've also seen other similar queries. Best of luck. Navin 



#56 ryankalford

ryankalford

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 181 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, unagented
  • LocationUS Southwest

Posted 25 August 2016 - 02:27 PM

Okay, so . . . thought I try something more traditional again. Can't say it follows every "rule," (mainly MC stakes are more suggestive than definitive), but it really is impossible at this point. This feels about as honest as I can be about the first act

Here's to a new draft.

____________

Orbiting the Earth aboard the space colony Heaven's Reach, five-year-old Dani Redfield has become Lillian Savonna's greatest concern. She's in charge of Drago Corp's most secret project--raising children of high intelligence and immunity to disease. Or so she thought until Dani contracted a virus that left her bed ridden the past week.

Her father, the man Lillian's been sleeping with for the past five months, identifies the vector in the anti-bodies of his own wife. Lillian is determined to find out why after years of exposure, but Samantha Reigns, vice-chairman of Drago Corp, confronts her with startling evidence of a different kind. Dani's chromosome count--all nine-hundred and forty-two unearthly elements of it. Lillian's forced to face the heart-breaking truth.

Dani wasn't sick. Her genes mutated. Meaning her father's affections for Lillian were nothing but part of his ploy to protect Dani's secret from rousing shareholder greed. Reigns, taking advantage of Dani's non-human status, seizes her from home. Arresting her parents for fraud and endangering company assets.

Not one to take it on the chin, Lillian submits her resignation--to Archer Drago himself--telling him all in exchange to keep Dani out Reigns vindictive claws, and reunited with her parents.

But Dani doesn't need her help. Locked in an observation room, she sees Reigns through a two-way mirror. With a single, heart-wrenched glare, Reigns dies from an agonizing blood-soaked brain aneurism. Her silly meat-and-bone matter proving far too frail.

Now, if only hers weren't so small . . .

RECODED is a 100,000 word adult social sci-fi novel with series potential.

RECODED <250 EDITING FEEDBACK + ADVICE

http://agentquerycon...t-social-scifi/

 

RECODED QUERY (FINISHED???)

http://agentquerycon...scifi/?p=250665

 

RECODED: GENESIS (Dani POV) 250

http://agentquerycon...t-social-scifi/

 
RECODED: Chapter 1 (Lillian POV) 250

http://agentquerycon...-social-sci-fi/

 

RECODED Synopsis (REWRITING SOON)

http://agentquerycon...t-social-scifi/


#57 Nonicks

Nonicks

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 267 posts
  • Literary Status:unagented
  • LocationEurope

Posted 25 August 2016 - 05:40 PM

I found it really interesting. For me, the first paragraph had too many names. It's just the beginning but I already read about Dani, Lillian and Drago. Who is your MC? I read your first 250 words, so my guess it's Dani, but I really don't know. Actually, even now that I've finished reading your query I still have no idea. So clarifying it would be great. If your novel had multiple POVs maybe you should point it out?

"vector in the anti-bodies" - that sounds cool, but what does it actually mean?

"Lillian is determined to find out why after years of exposure, but Samantha Reigns...." - here's another name. Do you really need all these characters in your query? It's confusing. Actually I don't know what's going on in your second paragraph. Maybe it's because I'm still trying to figure out what is this vector (like what you study in physics?).

The rest is good. It has some twists and I like it. 

 

 

If you have time, please take a look at my query: http://agentquerycon...niel-ya-sci-fi/

 



#58 ryankalford

ryankalford

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 181 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, unagented
  • LocationUS Southwest

Posted 25 August 2016 - 07:51 PM

Hey again, Nonicks!

 

Yes, Dani is indeed the MC (I was hoping the tip off would be mentioning her age, and the end), but it s a multi-POV story. So given that and the fact Dani knows so little about the plot in the 1st act--you can probably see how this query has been so tricky for me. As far as not mentioning the multi-POV below, I figure it just comes out in the query naturally (as it does in in the book. What's important is Dani and Lillian are the core focus (though Lilly certainly gets the majority of the "main" bulk of the query) since the first few chapters bounce between their POV's consistently before mixing in Dani's parents.

 

Anyway, I tried addressing your points and cleaning up a bit of the confusion. (Btw, a vector is any viral agent that helps transmit a disease, just so you know). Thanks for the pointers, and I'm glad you liked it over all. Makes me feel this one might be the one finally. I'll hit back soon on your query.

 

Till then, up to bat again in Draft #2 

__________

 

Dear Agent,

 

Orbiting the Earth aboard the space colony Heaven's Reach, five-year-old Dani Redfield has become Lillian Savonna's greatest concern. She's in charge of Drago Corp's most secret project. Raising children of high intelligence and immunity to disease. Or so she thought until Dani contracted a virus that left her bed ridden the past week.

Lillian is determined to find out why, but the Vice-Chairman of Drago Corp confronts her with startling evidence of a different sort. Dani's chromosome count--all nine-hundred and forty-two unearthly elements of it. Lillian's forced to face a heart-breaking truth.

Dani wasn't sick. Her genes mutated. Meaning her father's affections for Lillian--the man she's been sleeping with for the past five months--were nothing but part of his ploy to protect Dani's secret from rousing shareholder's greed. The Vice-Chairman, taking advantage of Dani's non-human status, seizes her from home. Arresting her parents for fraud and endangering company assets. 

Not one to take it on the chin, Lillian submits her resignation--to Archer Drago himself. Telling him all in exchange to keep Dani out the Vice-Chairman's vindictive claws. And to be reunited with her parents.

But Dani doesn't need her help. Locked in an observation room, she sees the Vice-Chairman through a two-way mirror. With a single, heart-wrenching glare, the Vice-Chairman dies from an agonizing brain aneurism. Her silly meat-and-bone matter proving far too frail.

Now, if only hers wasn't so small still . . .

 

RECODED is a 100,000 word adult social sci-fi novel with series potential.


RECODED <250 EDITING FEEDBACK + ADVICE

http://agentquerycon...t-social-scifi/

 

RECODED QUERY (FINISHED???)

http://agentquerycon...scifi/?p=250665

 

RECODED: GENESIS (Dani POV) 250

http://agentquerycon...t-social-scifi/

 
RECODED: Chapter 1 (Lillian POV) 250

http://agentquerycon...-social-sci-fi/

 

RECODED Synopsis (REWRITING SOON)

http://agentquerycon...t-social-scifi/


#59 phenomenonsense

phenomenonsense

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 158 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 25 August 2016 - 10:51 PM

Okay, so . . . thought I try something more traditional again. Can't say it follows every "rule," (mainly MC stakes are more suggestive than definitive), but it really is impossible at this point. This feels about as honest as I can be about the first act

Here's to a new draft.

____________

Orbiting the Earth aboard the space colony Heaven's Reach, five-year-old Dani Redfield has become Lillian Savonna's greatest concern. She's in charge of Drago Corp's most secret project--raising children of high intelligence and immunity to disease. Or so she thought until Dani contracted a virus that left her bed ridden the past week. Too many names. I forgot Dani's by the end of Drago. And saying those two names together reminds me a lot of Dani and Drogo from ASoFaI. Just a thought.

Her father, the man Lillian's been sleeping with for the past five months, identifies the vector in the anti-bodies of his own wife. Lillian is determined to find out why after years of exposure, but Samantha Reigns, vice-chairman of Drago Corp, confronts her with startling evidence of a different kind. Dani's chromosome count--all nine-hundred and forty-two unearthly elements of it. Lillian's forced to face the heart-breaking truth. I would say you need to be far less concerned about spoiling anything and about keeping this only in the first act. What  is likely unique and interesting about your story is the juicy bits. Make them feel sick that they didn't get to read it and experience for the first time in its full glory over having them dismiss it.

Dani wasn't sick. Her genes mutated. How? Why? What does this mean? This is far more interesting to me than who is sleeping with whom. Meaning her father's affections for Lillian were nothing but part of his ploy to protect Dani's secret from rousing shareholder greed. I have no idea how shareholder greed is involved. Is Dani worth money now? She's sick and mutated, can she be sacrificed to science gods in order to create new vaccines? I don't have any clue. Reigns, taking advantage of Dani's non-human status, seizes her from home. Arresting her parents for fraud and endangering company assets.

Not one to take it on the chin, Lillian submits her resignation--to Archer Drago himself--telling him all in exchange to keep Dani out Reigns vindictive claws, and reunited with her parents.

But Dani doesn't need her help. Locked in an observation room, she sees Reigns through a two-way mirror. With a single, heart-wrenched glare, Reigns dies from an agonizing blood-soaked brain aneurism. Her silly meat-and-bone matter proving far too frail.

Now, if only hers weren't so small . . . The most interesting part of your query isn't the hook. Just saying. It's effective at the end, but it could potentially be missed by agents who give up halfway through. I hope this is helpful.

RECODED is a 100,000 word adult social sci-fi novel with series potential.


Currently need help with:

 

Query:

http://agentquerycon...pra-na-fiction/

 

250 Words:
http://agentquerycon...ic/35773-supra/

 


#60 ryankalford

ryankalford

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 181 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, unagented
  • LocationUS Southwest

Posted 26 August 2016 - 05:32 AM

Hey  phenomenonsenses,

 

So taking your and Nonicks comments together--I take away two things: 1)The ending worked well and is the most interesting bit (Great!) and 2)The rest . . . not so much. Considering I"ve already tried playing the explain everything game before, I decided to forgo continue wrestling with it, re-insert my logline-hook to start, and just focus on Dani's POV.and try to link from the hook to the end. 

 

Here's to #3

__________

 

Dear Agent,

 

Five-year-old Dani Redfield knows that genes are the building blocks of life. What she doesn't is hers once belonged to an alien.

 

Orbiting the Earth aboard the space colony Heaven's Reach, she thought she was normal like her peers. A child of high intelligence and immunity to disease. Until she got sick with a virus that leaves her bed ridden for a week. 

 

One night she hears her parents fighting. Daddy says Mama’s to blame. Dani was exposed to the anti-bodies in Mama’s womb that tricked her genes before birth. Only Mama says that's impossible because she never had it. They yell so loud and make her cry so bad. It sends her to her beach dreams.

 

To the sweet voice. Lulling her with promises of strength, beauty, and wonder.

 

On the first night after Dani's return to school, scary men in armored suits break into her home. They take her, arresting her parents, and stuff her in a locked observation room. She cries for a long time, scared and lonely. But then the sweet voice fills her head. Promising to wipe her tears away. It lets her see through the two-way mirror. At the old woman responsible--Mama and Daddy's boss. With a single, heart-wrenching glare from Dani, she dies in agony from a blood-spewing brain aneurism. Her silly meat-and-bone matter proving far too frail.

 

Now, if only hers was fully bloomed . . .

 

RECODED is a 100,000 word adult social sci-fi novel with series potential.


RECODED <250 EDITING FEEDBACK + ADVICE

http://agentquerycon...t-social-scifi/

 

RECODED QUERY (FINISHED???)

http://agentquerycon...scifi/?p=250665

 

RECODED: GENESIS (Dani POV) 250

http://agentquerycon...t-social-scifi/

 
RECODED: Chapter 1 (Lillian POV) 250

http://agentquerycon...-social-sci-fi/

 

RECODED Synopsis (REWRITING SOON)

http://agentquerycon...t-social-scifi/






Also tagged with one or more of these keywords: Fiction, Science Fiction

0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users