Jump to content

Disclaimer



Photo
- - - - -

MY SOUL TO KEEP (YA Contemporary Fantasy)


  • Please log in to reply
26 replies to this topic

#1 Ireth

Ireth

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 1,801 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationCanada

Posted 11 July 2014 - 05:58 PM

Revision #3 in post #21

 

Dear Agent:

 

Liam's quest to preserve his sister's soul becomes a fight to save his own life.

 

Liam Farrell is devastated when his twin sister Evelyn is fatally shot on their seventeenth birthday. Eve's body dies in Liam's arms, but her soul is trapped in his mind. She shares his senses, and occasionally uses his limbs -- with or without Liam's permission.

 

To find answers about their condition, and maybe even the chance to give Eve a new body, Liam seeks the aid of a mage known only as Mist. Finding Mist is as easy as getting lost. Learning about magic and its consequences is much harder. And every day Eve grows less patient and more strong.

 

But other, darker forces are at work, beyond even Mist's full understanding. A sect of necromancers is hunting Liam and Eve for their own twisted purposes. When Liam finally finds the answers he craves, he must make a choice: to surrender to Eve and become a passenger in his own body, to let the necromancers take Eve's soul for their own aims, or to fight back and risk sending her and himself to heaven, hell, or oblivion.

 

MY SOUL TO KEEP is a YA contemporary fantasy of ##,000 words. [Personalization, etc.] Thank you for your time and consideration.


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#2 BCVail

BCVail

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 211 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS Southeast

Posted 11 July 2014 - 06:33 PM

Dear Agent:

 

Liam's quest to preserve his sister's soul becomes a fight to save his own life. (This, to me, reads like a log line and I know QueryShark bites those in half :) )

 

Liam Farrell is devastated when his twin sister Evelyn is fatally shot on their seventeenth birthday. Eve's body dies in Liam's arms, but her soul is trapped in his mind. She shares his senses, and occasionally uses his limbs -- with or without Liam's permission.

 

To find answers about their condition, and maybe even the chance to give Eve a new body, Liam seeks the aid of a mage known only as Mist. Finding Mist is as easy as getting lost. Learning about magic and its consequences is much harder. And every day Eve grows less patient and more (increasingly?) strong. (Just to clarify, Eve went from seeking answers from the mage to, I'm guessing, learning the ways of a mage? And is Eve  doing this in Liam's body still?)

 

But other, darker forces are at work, beyond even Mist's full understanding. A sect of necromancers is hunting Liam and Eve for their own twisted purposes. When Liam finally finds the answers he craves, he must make a choice: to surrender to Eve and become a passenger in his own body, to let the necromancers take Eve's soul for their own aims, or to fight back and risk sending her and himself to heaven, hell, or oblivion. (and risk sending them both to the afterlife?)

 

MY SOUL TO KEEP is a YA contemporary fantasy of ##,000 words. [Personalization, etc.] Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

Only a few minor suggestions, I think this is already pretty solid. 

 

If you get a chance, an extra pair of eyes for my query would be appreciated. DARKHEART (YA fantasy)



#3 Ireth

Ireth

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 1,801 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationCanada

Posted 11 July 2014 - 06:39 PM

Thanks, BCVail! To clarify, Liam is the one who went seeking answers. Neither he nor Eve is a mage; they just learn how magic works, not how to use it themselves. They learn together, since Eve shares Liam's senses. She occasionally takes over his body to find out stuff on her own, and that intensifies her longing to have a new body of her own. Liam is afraid she might try to steal his body from him and push him back so he ends up in her place. I guess I should make that clearer in the query itself.


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#4 BCVail

BCVail

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 211 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS Southeast

Posted 11 July 2014 - 07:03 PM

By the way, love the idea of two people in one body. I think you can do a lot with that.



#5 Ireth

Ireth

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 1,801 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationCanada

Posted 11 July 2014 - 08:00 PM

Really quick revision. Hope this is better/clearer!

 

Dear Agent:

 

Liam Farrell's seventeenth birthday is the worst day of his life. His twin sister's murder isn't even the worst part. When Eve dies in Liam's arms, her soul is trapped in his mind.

 

Neither Liam nor Eve has any idea who killed her, how she got stuck, or why. But they both want to find a way to free her -- hopefully into a new body of her own. Liam's search for answers begins with a single clue: two names and an address he can't find in any phone book. Finding the enigmatic Mist and Mitchell is as easy as getting lost. Getting used to the idea of magic is a lot harder -- especially since Liam has no magical talent of his own. And with Eve getting impatient enough to borrow Liam's body repeatedly without his permission, Liam has his hands full balancing his own needs and wants with hers.

 

But other, darker forces are at work, beyond Mist's and Mitchell's full understanding. A sect of necromancers is hunting Liam and Eve for their own twisted purposes. When Liam finally finds the answers he craves, he must make a choice: surrender to Eve and become a passenger in his own body, let the necromancers take Eve's soul for their own aims, or fight back and risk sending them both to heaven, hell, or oblivion.

 

MY SOUL TO KEEP is a YA contemporary fantasy of ##,000 words. [Personalization, etc.] Thank you for your time and consideration.


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#6 jsfrog

jsfrog

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 47 posts
  • Literary Status:unagented
  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 11 July 2014 - 09:09 PM

Dear Agent:
Liam Farrell's seventeenth birthday is the worst day of his life. His twin sister's murder isn't even the worst part. When Eve dies in Liam's arms, her soul is trapped in his mind.

 

I like the hook overall, but saying that having his sister in his mind is worse than her death sounds rather cold to me. Maybe it fits the character though….

 

Neither Liam nor Eve has any idea who killed her, how she got stuck, or why. But they both want to find a way to free her -- hopefully into a new body of her own. Liam's search for answers begins with a single clue: (would cut this since is sounds like more than one clue) two names and an address he can't find in any phone book. Finding the enigmatic Mist and Mitchell is as easy as getting lost. (While I like the voice, this doesn’t actually tell me if it is easy or hard) Getting used to the idea of magic is a lot harder -- especially since Liam has no magical talent of his own (I don’t know why his lack of talent would make it harder to believe). And with Eve getting impatient enough to borrow Liam's body repeatedly without his permission, Liam has his hands full balancing his own needs and wants with hers.
 

What is Eve trying to get him to do when she is impatient? Can she use magic or something? I really like the idea of her borrowing his body though. :)

 

But other, darker forces are at work, beyond Mist's and Mitchell's (just them? What about the MCs?) full understanding. A sect of necromancers is hunting Liam and Eve for their own twisted purposes. When Liam finally finds the answers he craves, he must make a choice: surrender to Eve and become a passenger in his own body, let the necromancers take Eve's soul for their own aims, or fight back and risk sending them both to heaven, hell, or oblivion.
 
MY SOUL TO KEEP is a YA contemporary fantasy of ##,000 words. [Personalization, etc.] Thank you for your time and consideration.
 

I really like the ideas here. Good luck. :)
 



#7 Ireth

Ireth

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 1,801 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationCanada

Posted 11 July 2014 - 09:19 PM

Thanks, jsfrog! I appreciate your comments. I agree that having his sister's soul stuck in his body is probably not worse than her actual murder... must find a way to rephrase that. As for Eve, the important thing is the act of body-borrowing itself, not what she does with Liam's body. She wants a body of her own, and using Liam's is the next best thing. She can't use magic either. The twins' lack of magic is important to Liam's characterization as the MC. He's meant to be the Everyman thrust into a situation he has no knowledge of, and no idea what to do while he's there. Mist and Mitchell are the mentors, the ones with the knowledge to pass on (which is why I only mention them with regard to understanding the necromancers, not the twins).

 

Hope that answers your questions. Any advice on getting that into the query?


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#8 jsfrog

jsfrog

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 47 posts
  • Literary Status:unagented
  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 11 July 2014 - 09:40 PM

I was okay with Liam not using magic, just didn't understand why it would make it hard or easy for him to believe in it. So maybe just seperate the ideas.Same with Eve. I am good with your explanation, but because of where it is placed, it sounds like what she is impatient with is his lack of magic or belief. So seperate the ideas. Your query seems a bit short right now, so you probably have room to do this. Maybe say one specific thing she does with his body that he doesn't like for color. :)

 

And as far as the last line, I really just wanted you to say "them" and include all the characters when you say they didn't know something.

 

Hope that helps. :)



#9 S.H. Marr

S.H. Marr

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 1,634 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, published, unagented
  • LocationUS Midwest
  • Publishing Experience:One novel by an indie publisher.

Posted 11 July 2014 - 11:39 PM

Really quick revision. Hope this is better/clearer!

 

Dear Agent:

 

Liam Farrell's seventeenth birthday is the worst day of his life. His twin sister's murder isn't even the worst part. When Eve dies in Liam's arms, her soul is trapped in his mind. Very interesting.

 

Neither Liam nor Eve has any idea who killed her, how she got stuck, or why. But they both want to find a way to free her -- hopefully into a new body of her own. Liam's search for answers begins with a single clue: two names and an address he can't find in any phone book. Finding the enigmatic Mist and Mitchell This sounds awkward is as easy as getting lost. Getting used to the idea of magic is a lot harder -- especially since Liam has no magical talent of his own. And with Eve getting impatient enough to borrow Liam's body repeatedly without his permission, Liam has his hands full balancing his own needs and wants with hers.

 

But other, darker forces are at work, beyond Mist's and Mitchell's Who are thee people and why does their name sound like a business? full understanding. A sect of necromancers is hunting Liam and Eve for their own twisted purposes. When Liam finally finds the answers he craves, he must make a choice: surrender to Eve and become a passenger in his own body, let the necromancers take Eve's soul for their own aims, or fight back and risk sending them both to heaven, hell, or oblivion.

 

MY SOUL TO KEEP is a YA contemporary fantasy of ##,000 words. [Personalization, etc.] Thank you for your time and consideration.



#10 Ireth

Ireth

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 1,801 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationCanada

Posted 11 July 2014 - 11:45 PM

Thanks for your comments, SH Marr. Wish I could make Mist and Mitchell's names sound less awkward together, but that's how Liam first sees their names, and since they're together most of the time it makes little sense to split them up. I had originally meant them to have a business involving magic, but I'm rethinking that idea. They are still partners though, including in a romantic sense.


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#11 S.H. Marr

S.H. Marr

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 1,634 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, published, unagented
  • LocationUS Midwest
  • Publishing Experience:One novel by an indie publisher.

Posted 11 July 2014 - 11:47 PM

They don't have first names?



#12 kevinmont

kevinmont

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 433 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationUS Midwest
  • Publishing Experience:My historical novel, Six Winter Days, was published in April, 2014 by Blue Water Press

Posted 12 July 2014 - 12:16 AM

Good title.



#13 Ireth

Ireth

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 1,801 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationCanada

Posted 12 July 2014 - 10:51 AM

They don't have first names?

 

Mist is Mist's only name, and Mitchell is Mitchell's first name. His full name is Mitchell Hayes-Kavanagh. I prefer using their first names because I like the alliteration. "Mist and Hayes" might work, but some might find it too punny.


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#14 Harper

Harper

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 24 posts
  • Literary Status:unagented
  • LocationUS Southeast

Posted 12 July 2014 - 10:55 AM

Really quick revision. Hope this is better/clearer!

 

Dear Agent:

 

Liam Farrell's seventeenth birthday is the worst day of his life. His twin sister's murder isn't even the worst part. When Eve dies in Liam's arms, her soul is trapped in his mind.  I like this hook, but agree wth jsfrog.  

 

Neither Liam nor Eve has any idea who killed her, how she got stuck, or why. But they both want to find a way to free her -- hopefully into a new body of her own. Liam's search for answers begins with a single clue: two names and an address he can't find in any phone book. Finding the enigmatic Mist and Mitchell is as easy as getting lost. Getting used to the idea of magic is a lot harder -- especially since Liam has no magical talent of his own. And with Eve getting impatient enough to borrow Liam's body repeatedly without his permission, Liam has his hands full balancing his own needs and wants with hers.  This sounds like Eve is impatient with Liam's lack of magic.

 

But other, darker forces are at work, beyond Mist's and Mitchell's full understanding. I'm still not really sure who these two are besides the names on a paper. A sect of necromancers is are hunting Liam and Eve for their own twisted purposes. When Liam finally finds the answers he craves, he must make a choice: surrender to Eve and become a passenger in his own body, let the necromancers take Eve's soul for their own aims, or fight back and risk sending them both to heaven, hell, or oblivion.  I really like this last bit.

 

MY SOUL TO KEEP is a YA contemporary fantasy of ##,000 words. [Personalization, etc.] Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sounds like an interesting story!



#15 Ireth

Ireth

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 1,801 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationCanada

Posted 12 July 2014 - 10:21 PM

Dear Agent:

 

When Liam Farrell's twin sister dies in his arms, their seventeenth birthday goes straight to hell. But Eve doesn't go there, or to heaven -- she's trapped in Liam's mind.

 

Neither Liam nor Eve knows who killed her, how she got stuck, or why. But they both want to find a way to free her -- ideally into a new body of her own. Following a cryptic clue, Liam seeks the aid of Mist and Mitchell, an enchanter and a necromancer. In the odd couple's forest hideaway, Liam and Eve learn a lot about magic, and a little more about each other.

 

Unfortunately, neither mage knows how to set Eve free. Mist's power is unsuited to the task, and Mitchell's moral compass keeps him focused on healing the living, not interfering with the dead. Eve, stubborn and impatient, settles for borrowing Liam's body while he sleeps. Liam wouldn't mind so much if she'd just ask him first. At least she hasn't tried while he's awake... yet.

 

But other, darker forces are at work. A sect of amoral necromancers called the Order of the Shroud hunts Liam and Eve for their own twisted purposes. When Liam finally finds the answers he craves, he must make a choice: surrender to Eve and become a passenger in his own body, let the Order take Eve for their own ends, or fight back and risk sending them both to heaven, hell, or oblivion.

 

MY SOUL TO KEEP is a YA contemporary fantasy of ##,000 words. [Personalization, etc.] Thank you for your time and consideration.


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#16 AlexH

AlexH

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 188 posts
  • Literary Status:unagented
  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 12 July 2014 - 10:33 PM

Dear Agent:

 

When Liam Farrell's twin sister dies in his arms, their seventeenth birthday goes straight to hell. But Eve doesn't go there, or to heaven -- she's trapped in Liam's mind. Great hook!

 

Neither Liam nor Eve knows who killed her, how she got stuck, or why. But they both want to find a way to free her -- ideally into a new body of her own. Following a cryptic clue, Liam seeks the aid of Mist and Mitchell, an enchanter and a necromancer. In the odd couple's forest hideaway, Liam and Eve learn a lot about magic, and a little more about each other.

 

Unfortunately, neither mage knows how to set Eve free. Mist's power is unsuited to the task, and Mitchell's moral compass keeps him focused on healing the living, not interfering with the dead. Eve, stubborn and impatient, settles for borrowing Liam's body while he sleeps. Liam wouldn't mind so much if she'd just ask him first. At least she hasn't tried while he's awake... yet.

 

But other, darker forces are at work. A sect of amoral necromancers called the Order of the Shroud hunts Liam and Eve for their own twisted purposes. When Liam finally finds the answers he craves, he must make a choice: surrender to Eve and become a passenger in his own body, let the Order take Eve for their own ends, or fight back and risk sending them both to heaven, hell, or oblivion.

 

MY SOUL TO KEEP is a YA contemporary fantasy of ##,000 words. [Personalization, etc.] Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

This query is EXCELLENT. I'd request this if I were an agent! The only thing that confused for me a second was the mention of Mist and Mitchell, because it sounded like a company rather than two people to me at first. But that's just nitpicky. Best of luck with this :)



#17 D. Thomas Clark

D. Thomas Clark

    Query Slayer

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 512 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, unagented
  • LocationUS Northwest
  • Publishing Experience:A couple of editing jobs, PNWA contest finalist

Posted 12 July 2014 - 10:43 PM

Dear Agent:

 

When Liam Farrell's twin sister dies in his arms, their seventeenth birthday goes straight to hell. But Eve doesn't go there, or to heaven -- she's trapped in Liam's mind. Interesting. A much better revision.

 

Neither Liam nor Eve knows who killed her, how she got stuck, or why. But they both want to find a way to free her -- ideally into a new body of her own. Following a cryptic clue, Liam seeks the aid of Mist and Mitchell, an enchanter and a necromancer. I'll echo what people are saying about this. I think you could eliminate the names all together. You only mention them one more time after all. It will alleviate some of the confusion.  In the odd couple's forest hideaway, Liam and Eve learn a lot about magic, and a little more about each other. Does Eve only have access to Liam's body then, not his mind?

 

Unfortunately, neither mage knows how to set Eve free. Mist's power is unsuited to the task, and Mitchell's moral compass If you take the suggestion above, here you could say "The enchanter's power is unsuited to the task and the necromancer's moral compass..."keeps him focused on healing the living, not interfering with the dead. Eve, stubborn and impatient, settles for borrowing Liam's body while he sleeps. Is she a casual observer in the meantime? Like, can she sense what's going around without controlling it or is she in a kind of blank limbo? Liam wouldn't mind so much if she'd just ask him first. At least she hasn't tried while he's awake... yet.

 

But other, darker forces are at work. A sect of amoral necromancers called the Order of the Shroud hunts Liam and Eve for their own twisted purposes. When Liam finally finds the answers he craves, he must make a choice: surrender to Eve and become a passenger in his own body, let the Order take Eve for their own ends, or fight back and risk sending them both to heaven, hell, or oblivion. I like the ending though, especially being a passenger in his own body. 

 

MY SOUL TO KEEP is a YA contemporary fantasy of ##,000 words. [Personalization, etc.] Thank you for your time and consideration.



#18 Ireth

Ireth

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 1,801 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationCanada

Posted 12 July 2014 - 10:47 PM

Thanks, Kilo! To answer your questions:

 

Does Eve only have access to Liam's body then, not his mind? Yes.

 

Is she a casual observer in the meantime? Like, can she sense what's going around without controlling it or is she in a kind of blank limbo? Casual observer.

 

I kinda like having Mist and Mitchell's names in there, but I can see the merit of taking them out. I'll give it some thought. :)


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#19 bookgirl_kt

bookgirl_kt

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 281 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS Northeast
  • Publishing Experience:Completed my first book, and trying to get published.

Posted 03 April 2015 - 02:50 PM

Very nice! You have some great lines in here that I wouldn't change for anything.

 

Dear Agent:

 

When Liam Farrell's twin sister dies in his arms, their seventeenth birthday goes straight to hell. But Eve doesn't go there, or to heaven -- she's trapped in Liam's mind. 

 

Neither Liam nor Eve knows who killed her, how she got stuck, or why. But they both want to find a way to free her -- ideally into a new body of her own. Following a cryptic clue, Liam seeks the aid of Mist and Mitchell, an enchanter and a necromancer. In the odd couple's forest hideaway, Liam and Eve learn a lot about magic, and a little more about each other.

 

Unfortunately, neither mage knows how to set Eve free. Mist's power is unsuited to the task, and Mitchell's moral compass keeps him focused on healing the living, not interfering with the dead. Eve, stubborn and impatient, settles for borrowing Liam's body while he sleeps. Liam wouldn't mind so much if she'd just ask him first. At least she hasn't tried while he's awake... yet.

 

But other, darker forces are at work. A sect of amoral necromancers called the Order of the Shroud hunts Liam and Eve for their own twisted purposes. When Liam finally finds the answers he craves, he must make a choice: surrender to Eve and become a passenger in his own body, let the Order take Eve for their own ends, or fight back and risk sending them both to heaven, hell, or oblivion.

 

MY SOUL TO KEEP is a YA contemporary fantasy of ##,000 words. [Personalization, etc.] Thank you for your time and consideration.



#20 Patomac

Patomac

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 55 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationUS Midwest

Posted 03 April 2015 - 09:26 PM

Your query is fantastic. I'm just going to second (third?) the bit about Mist and Mitchell's names. I didn't know it was two people either.






0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users