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#1 Blitzing

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Posted 14 August 2014 - 12:52 PM

After many critiques, I'm stuck between two versions of my query, differing only the last two paragraphs. Would love opinions on which is the better query. And of course, other critiques :)

 

Dr. Aaliyah Shah knows she’s in trouble when her mother creates an online marriage profile and invites all slim, fair, 5'3" and above, non-smoking, vegetarian men to apply to marry her daughter.

 

Aaliyah works ICU duty at a busy government hospital. She doesn’t have the time to meet the jerks her mother foists on her, or read the bizarre emails she gets from site-members and she definitely doesn’t have time to think about kissing Siddharth Agrawal’s neck. A best friend should remain a best friend, after all. But when her desires progress from wanting-to-lick-and-kiss-him to wanting-to-cuddle-and-feed-him-Maggi-noodles, Aaliyah decides to act.

 

Siddharth is dumbfounded when Aaliyah makes a move on him. He never thought she would want a scary-looking computer nerd who can’t even pronounce ‘doctor’ without stumbling on the ‘d’. Add to that Aaliyah’s mom’s disdain for him and his own parents’ snide comments, Siddharth starts believing he needs to change if he wants to keep Aaliyah forever.

 

Forced to deal with a mother obsessed with marriage, a job with no rest-breaks and a boyfriend who’s morphing into someone she doesn’t recognize, Aaliyah’s life is unraveling faster than she can keep pace. As things come to a head, she’ll have to work a miracle if she wants it all: a family, a job and the love of her life.

 

WWW.PERFECTJODI.COM (82,000 words) is a light-hearted contemporary romance set in India that mixes the humor of Kristan Higgins’ books with the subtle poignancy of Rainbow Rowell’s ATTACHMENTS.

 

VERSION TWO

 

Dr. Aaliyah Shah knows she’s in trouble when her mother creates an online marriage profile and invites all slim, fair, 5'3" and above, non-smoking, vegetarian men to apply to marry her daughter.

 

Aaliyah works ICU duty at a busy government hospital. She doesn’t have the time to meet the jerks her mother foists on her, or read the bizarre emails she gets from site-members and she definitely doesn’t have time to think about kissing Siddharth Agrawal’s neck. A best friend should remain a best friend, after all. But when her desires progress from wanting-to-lick-and-kiss-him to wanting-to-cuddle-and-feed-him-Maggi-noodles, Aaliyah decides to act.

 

Different people have different views about Siddharth. Aaliyah’s mom thinks he’s a scary-looking computer nerd who can’t even speak properly. His own mother despairs of him ever finding a wife because of his long-standing stutter. Aaliyah thinks he’s wonderful, and God, she really wants to kiss that neck.

 

Unfortunately, Aaliyah’s opinion is not the only one that matters. Her mom’s disdain, his parents’ interference and Siddharth’s own insecurities throw a roadblock into their budding relationship. As the pressure builds, Aaliyah will have to work a miracle if she wants it all: a family, a job and the love of her life.

 

WWW.PERFECTJODI.COM (82,000 words) is a light-hearted contemporary romance set in India that mixes the humor of Kristan Higgins’ books with the subtle poignancy of Rainbow Rowell’s ATTACHMENTS.

 

 

I'll be happy to return crits, just leave me a link in your post. Thank you :-)


~ Shaya Roy ~

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Current query (contemporary romance)  

 


#2 Mallory

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Posted 14 August 2014 - 01:27 PM

After many critiques, I'm stuck between two versions of my query, differing only the last two paragraphs. Would love opinions on which is the better query. And of course, other critiques :)

 

Dr. Aaliyah Shah knows she’s in trouble when her mother creates an online marriage profile and invites all slim, fair, 5'3" and above, non-smoking, vegetarian men to apply to marry her daughter. I really like this hook. I would totally buy the book based off this sentence. However, I'm not sure it works for this query. It made me expect that the romance was her meeting one of the weirdos and falling in love. Does Siddharth respond to the profile or anything? Otherwise, it doesn't really flow into the body.

 

Aaliyah works ICU duty at a busy government hospital. She doesn’t have the time to meet the jerks her mother foists on her, or read the bizarre emails she gets from site-members andPeriod here and start a new sentence she definitely doesn’t have time to think about kissing Siddharth Agrawal’s neck. A best friend should remain a best friend, after all. But when her desires progress from wanting-to-lick-and-kiss-him to wanting-to-cuddle-and-feed-him-Maggi-noodles, Aaliyah decides to act. I'd use this space to mention more about their relatioship/give the agent/editor a chance to fall in love with Siddharth by building his character a bit more.

 

Siddharth is dumbfounded when Aaliyah makes a move on him. Make sure to mention that he's happy about it, because at first it sounds like he's just confused. He never thought she would want a scary-looking computer nerd who can’t even pronounce ‘doctor’ without stumbling on the ‘d’. Add to that Aaliyah’s Combined with her mom’s disdain for him and his own parents’ snide comments, Siddharth starts believing he needs to change if he wants to keep Aaliyah forever.

 

Forced to deal with a mother obsessed with marriage, a job with no rest-breaks and a boyfriend who’s morphing into someone she doesn’t recognize, Aaliyah’s life is unraveling faster than she can keep pace. As things come to a head, she’ll have to work a miracle if she wants it all: a family, a job and the love of her life.

 

WWW.PERFECTJODI.COM I have no idea how this title fits in with the story, but that's not a dealbreaker. Also, this title might sent the query into spam folders right away :-/ (82,000 words) is a light-hearted contemporary romance set in India that mixes the humor of Kristan Higgins’ books with the subtle poignancy of Rainbow Rowell’s ATTACHMENTS.

 

This sounds adorable! Can't wait to read it :-)


“I am only resolved to act in that manner, which will, in my own opinion, constitute my happiness, without reference to you, or to any person so wholly unconnected with me.”

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#3 CorneliusKind

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Posted 15 August 2014 - 10:49 AM

[I think this is a great query letter and the book sounds appealing and I do not usually read this genre. I'd love to read it again after revisions. First off: I prefer the first version's ending more. I would like a little bit more characterization of Siddharth. If anything you could add characterization through describing how long have they been best friends (if it's been a while as I'm assuming it is) and whether he had always loved her but never acted on it himself. He seems at least okay with her making a move on him, but there's a big difference between crushing on her and being willing to date her if she'd have him.]

 

 

Dr. Aaliyah Shah knows she’s in trouble when her mother creates an online marriage profile and invites all slim, fair, 5'3" and above, non-smoking, vegetarian [the length of this list is partly why this works, but I would take out one of the descriptors, it feels like it takes just one step past comedic into "I'm just reading a list."] men to apply to marry her daughter. [As with the other reviewer, I like this, but I'm wondering how big a role the online dating has on this book. It seems like the online dating is only a vehicle for the rest of the drama to unfold-it kick starts Aaliyah's romance with Siddharth.]

 

Aaliyah works in the ICU duty at a busy government hospital. She doesn’t have the time to meet the jerks her mother foists on her, or read the bizarre emails she gets from site-members and she definitely doesn’t have time to think about kissing Siddharth Agrawal’s neck. A best friend should remain a best friend, after all. But when her desires progress from wanting-to-lick-and-kiss-him to wanting-to-cuddle-and-feed-him-Maggi-noodles, Aaliyah decides to act. [I have conflicting feelings about this. I think it's great and I don't even know what maggi noodles are. But at the same time it strikes me as sort of the opposite progression you would expect. In my head, if they're best friends then first she would want to cuddle him (emotional crutch) and then when she realizes she has sexual feelings for him (kiss), that's when she decides to make her move. ]

 

Siddharth is dumbfounded when Aaliyah makes a move on him. He never thought she would want a scary-looking computer nerd who can’t even pronounce ‘doctor’ without stumbling on the ‘d’. Add to that Aaliyah’s mom’s disdain for him and his own parents’ snide comments, Siddharth starts believing he needs to change if he wants to keep Aaliyah forever.

 

Forced to deal with a mother obsessed with marriage, a job with no rest-breaks, and a boyfriend who’s morphing into someone she doesn’t recognize, Aaliyah’s life is unraveling faster than she can keep pace. [Great] As things come to a head,[I really don't like this phrase as it just implies "climax coming soon." You might want to describe the actual conflict that's coming to a head so we understand that why she has to make a choice beyond time commitment (i.e.: When she has to be there for all three... - or - When her mother promises her to another man...] she’ll have to work a miracle if she wants it all: a family, a job and the love of her life.

 

WWW.PERFECTJODI.COM (82,000 words) is a light-hearted contemporary romance set in India that mixes the humor of Kristan Higgins’ books with the subtle poignancy of Rainbow Rowell’s ATTACHMENTS. 

 

 

VERSION TWO

 

Dr. Aaliyah Shah knows she’s in trouble when her mother creates an online marriage profile and invites all slim, fair, 5'3" and above, non-smoking, vegetarian men to apply to marry her daughter.

 

Aaliyah works ICU duty at a busy government hospital. She doesn’t have the time to meet the jerks her mother foists on her, or read the bizarre emails she gets from site-members and she definitely doesn’t have time to think about kissing Siddharth Agrawal’s neck. A best friend should remain a best friend, after all. But when her desires progress from wanting-to-lick-and-kiss-him to wanting-to-cuddle-and-feed-him-Maggi-noodles, Aaliyah decides to act.

 

Different people have different views about Siddharth. Aaliyah’s mom thinks he’s a scary-looking computer nerd who can’t even speak properly. His own mother despairs of him ever finding a wife because of his long-standing stutter. Aaliyah thinks he’s wonderful, and God, she really wants to kiss that neck.

 

Unfortunately, Aaliyah’s opinion is not the only one that matters. Her mom’s disdain, his parents’ interference and Siddharth’s own insecurities throw a roadblock into their budding relationship. As the pressure builds, Aaliyah will have to work a miracle if she wants it all: a family, a job and the love of her life.

 

WWW.PERFECTJODI.COM (82,000 words) is a light-hearted contemporary romance set in India that mixes the humor of Kristan Higgins’ books with the subtle poignancy of Rainbow Rowell’s ATTACHMENTS.



#4 SophiaMary

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Posted 15 August 2014 - 01:02 PM

After many critiques, I'm stuck between two versions of my query, differing only the last two paragraphs. Would love opinions on which is the better query. And of course, other critiques :)

 

Dr. Aaliyah Shah knows she’s in trouble when her mother creates an online marriage profile and invites all slim, fair, 5'3" and above, non-smoking, vegetarian men to apply to marry her daughter.

 

Aaliyah works ICU duty at a busy government hospital. She doesn’t have the time to meet the jerks her mother foists on her, or read the bizarre emails she gets from site-members and she definitely doesn’t have time to think about kissing Siddharth Agrawal’s neck. (Who is Siddharth Agrawal and why would she be kissing his neck? LOL) A best friend should remain a best friend, after all. But when her desires progress from wanting-to-lick-and-kiss-him to wanting-to-cuddle-and-feed-him-Maggi-noodles, Aaliyah decides to act. (Okay, no offense but this last sentence is a little weird. How about "when her desires to turn from passion to maternal, Aaliyah decides to act. You don't need all those other details.)

 

Siddharth is dumbfounded when Aaliyah makes a move on him. He never thought she would want a scary-looking computer nerd who can’t even pronounce ‘doctor’ without stumbling on the ‘d’. Add to that Aaliyah’s mom’s disdain for him and his own parents’ snide comments, Siddharth starts believing he needs to change if he wants to keep Aaliyah forever. (This needs to be simplified. Or deleted all together. It doesn't really fit and I don't think it is that important. Focus on your main character not the feelings of your sub-characters.)

 

Forced to deal with a mother obsessed with marriage, a job with no rest-breaks and a boyfriend who’s morphing into someone she doesn’t recognize, Aaliyah’s life is unraveling faster than she can keep pace. As things come to a head, she’ll have to work a miracle if she wants it all: a family, a job and the love of her life.

 

WWW.PERFECTJODI.COM (Odd title but it might be unique enough to catch an agent/ readers attention) (82,000 words) is a light-hearted contemporary romance set in India that mixes the humor of Kristan Higgins’ books with the subtle poignancy of Rainbow Rowell’s ATTACHMENTS.

 

So far it seems a little messy. You need to cut back on all the unnecessary details. I understand that Aaliyah has a lot going on in her life struggling with choosing a husband and her job but it is hard to weed that out with all the distracting details. 

 

VERSION TWO

 

Dr. Aaliyah Shah knows she’s in trouble when her mother creates an online marriage profile and invites all slim, fair, 5'3" and above, non-smoking, vegetarian men to apply to marry her daughter.

 

Aaliyah works ICU duty at a busy government hospital. She doesn’t have the time to meet the jerks her mother foists on her, or read the bizarre emails she gets from site-members and she definitely doesn’t have time to think about kissing Siddharth Agrawal’s neck. A best friend should remain a best friend, after all. But when her desires progress from wanting-to-lick-and-kiss-him to wanting-to-cuddle-and-feed-him-Maggi-noodles, Aaliyah decides to act.

 

Different people have different views about Siddharth. Aaliyah’s mom thinks he’s a scary-looking computer nerd who can’t even speak properly. His own mother despairs of him ever finding a wife because of his long-standing stutter. Aaliyah thinks he’s wonderful, and God, she really wants to kiss that neck.

 

Unfortunately, Aaliyah’s opinion is not the only one that matters. Her mom’s disdain, his parents’ interference and Siddharth’s own insecurities throw a roadblock into their budding relationship. As the pressure builds, Aaliyah will have to work a miracle if she wants it all: a family, a job and the love of her life. (I like this ending better than your original. More clear and concise.)

 

WWW.PERFECTJODI.COM (82,000 words) is a light-hearted contemporary romance set in India that mixes the humor of Kristan Higgins’ books with the subtle poignancy of Rainbow Rowell’s ATTACHMENTS.

 

 

I'll be happy to return crits, just leave me a link in your post. Thank you :-)

 

I hope I helped. Good luck. http://agentquerycon...beautiful-gem/ This is the link to my query if you would like to give me some comments as well. It would be appreciated. Thanks! 



#5 Blitzing

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Posted 15 August 2014 - 01:19 PM

Thank you very much Mallory and CorneliusKind. Both of you make good points.

 

REVISION #2

 

Dr. Aaliyah Shah knows she’s in trouble when her mother creates an online marriage profile and invites all slim, fair, 5'3" and above, non-smoking, vegetarian men to apply to marry her daughter.

 

Aaliyah works in the ICU at a busy government hospital. She doesn’t have time to meet the jerks her mother foists on her, or read the bizarre emails she gets from site members. But the more she considers potential suitors, the more she starts dreaming about kissing Siddharth Agrawal’s neck. A best friend would make a wonderful boyfriend, after all. When her desires progress from wanting-to-lick-and-kiss-him to wanting-to-punch-every-girl-who-glances-at-him, Aaliyah decides to act.

 

Siddharth is dazed when the girl he’s been in love with since ninth grade makes a move on him. He never thought Aaliyah would want a scary-looking computer nerd who can’t even pronounce ‘doctor’ without stumbling on the ‘d’. Combined with her mom’s disdain for him and his own parents’ snide comments, Siddharth starts believing he needs to change if he wants to keep Aaliyah forever.

 

Forced to deal with a mother obsessed with marriage, a job with no rest-breaks and a boyfriend who’s morphing into someone she doesn’t recognize, Aaliyah’s life is unraveling faster than she can keep pace. She’ll have to work a miracle if she wants it all: a family, a job and the love of her life.

 

WWW.PERFECTMATCH.COM (82,000 words) is a light-hearted contemporary romance set in India that mixes the humor of Kristan Higgins’ books with the subtle poignancy of Rainbow Rowell’s ATTACHMENTS.


~ Shaya Roy ~

www.shayaroy.com

 

Current query (contemporary romance)  

 


#6 Blitzing

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Posted 15 August 2014 - 01:20 PM

Thank you SophiaMary! I'll head over to your query right away :-)


~ Shaya Roy ~

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Current query (contemporary romance)  

 


#7 CorneliusKind

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Posted 15 August 2014 - 03:43 PM

I really like this query letter. Great job revising. I have only a few comments.

 

REVISION #2

 

Dr. Aaliyah Shah knows she’s in trouble when her mother creates an online marriage profile and invites all slim, fair, 5'3" and above, non-smoking, vegetarian men to apply to marry her daughter.

 

Aaliyah works in the ICU at a busy government hospital. She doesn’t have time to meet the jerks her mother foists on her, or read the bizarre emails she gets from site members. But the more she considers potential suitors, the more she starts dreamsing about kissing Siddharth Agrawal’s neck. A best friend would make a wonderful boyfriend, after all. When her desires progress from wanting-to-lick-and-kiss-him to wanting-to-punch-every-girl-who-glances-at-him, Aaliyah decides to act. 

 

Siddharth is dazed when the girl he’s been in love with since ninth grade makes a move on him. He never thought Aaliyah would want a scary-looking computer nerd who can’t even pronounce ‘doctor’ without stumbling on the ‘d’. Combined with her mom’s disdain for him and his own parents’ snide comments, Siddharth starts believing he needs to change if he wants to keep Aaliyah forever.[I know this is supposed to be romantic, but for some reason forever just feels a little creepy.]

 

Forced to deal with a mother obsessed with marriage, a job with no rest-breaks and a boyfriend who’s morphing into someone she doesn’t recognize, Aaliyah’s life is unraveling faster than she can keep pace. She’ll have to work a miracle if she wants it all: a family, a job and the love of her life.

 

WWW.PERFECTMATCH.COM (82,000 words) is a light-hearted contemporary romance set in India that mixes the humor of Kristan Higgins’ books with the subtle poignancy of Rainbow Rowell’s ATTACHMENTS.

[I like this book title more. I expect it'll be better received by publishers.]


#8 RosieSkye

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Posted 15 August 2014 - 04:51 PM

Thank you very much Mallory and CorneliusKind. Both of you make good points.

 

REVISION #2

 

Dr. Aaliyah Shah knows she’s in trouble when her mother creates an online marriage profile and invites all slim, fair, 5'3" (spell this out - and is the three italicized?  That'll read better as well.) and above, non-smoking, vegetarian men to apply to marry her daughter.  (I like the comedic tone of this, but it runs on a little long.  I'd either cut a few adjectives or choose ones that are more colorful.)

 

Aaliyah works in the ICU at a busy government hospital. She doesn’t have time to meet the jerks her mother foists on her, or read the bizarre emails she gets from site members. But the more she considers potential suitors, the more she starts dreaming about kissing Siddharth Agrawal’s neck. (Why his neck rather than his lips?  This makes her sound a little vampire-ish.) A best friend would make a wonderful boyfriend, after all. When her desires progress from wanting-to-lick-and-kiss-him to wanting-to-punch-every-girl-who-glances-at-him (the hyphens aren't necessary), Aaliyah decides to act.

 

Siddharth is dazed when the girl he’s been in love with since ninth grade makes a move on him. He never thought Aaliyah would want a scary-looking (in what way is he scary looking?  Does Aaliyah not notice this, or just not care?) computer nerd who can’t even pronounce ‘doctor’ without stumbling on the ‘d’. Combined with her mom’s disdain for him (why is she disdainful?) and his own parents’ snide comments (again, why?), Siddharth starts believing he needs to change if he wants to keep Aaliyah forever.  (Change how?)

 

Forced to deal with a mother obsessed with marriage, a job with no rest-breaks (reword this - "an overly-demanding job" or something) and a boyfriend who’s morphing into someone she doesn’t recognize (in what way?), Aaliyah’s life is unraveling faster than she can keep pace.  ("Unraveling" suggests that things are falling apart, but sounds like she's just stressed-out.) She’ll have to work a miracle if she wants it all: a family, a job and the love of her life.  ("Work a miracle" sounds a little vague.  I think you need to lay out what she has to do more clearly.  And you've switched focus from the romance to her overfull life.  How does she feel about Siddharth changing?  It feels like their relationship has been forgotten here.) 

 

WWW.PERFECTMATCH.COM (82,000 words) is a light-hearted contemporary romance set in India that mixes the humor of Kristan Higgins’ books with the subtle poignancy of Rainbow Rowell’s ATTACHMENTS.  (I'd just say it would appeal to fans of those books - sometimes direct comparisons can come across as presumptuous.)

 

This sounds really cute, and I'm always a fan of stories that take place in other countries.  I'd mention up front that this takes place in India, because first off, it sets the scene for your story and second, it helps answer a lot of questions.  I spent most of the query wondering why Aaliyah didn't just tell her mother to butt out.  (Based on the names I figured they were an Indian family, but knowing they're not in a western country where the younger generation might eschew traditional values helps explain everyone's motivations better.)  Also, if you plan on marketing this to western agents, I think you need to clarify the nuances of Indian society to explain why these adults are still so swayed by their parents' opinions.  

 

Back to the story...  my main question is what's up with Siddharth?  What about him makes him unworthy of Aaliyah in everyone's eyes?  I'd think a computer guy would at least be smart and probably make decent money, and if he's Aaliyah's friend he must be a nice guy.  Are the parents so concerned with appearances?

 

Hope this helps!



#9 rainmaker

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Posted 16 August 2014 - 03:55 PM

Dr. Aaliyah Shah knows she’s in trouble when her mother creates an online marriage profile and invites all slim, fair, 5'3" and above, non-smoking, vegetarian men to apply to marry her daughter.

 

Aaliyah works in the ICU at a busy government hospital. She doesn’t have time to meet the jerks her mother foists on her, or read the bizarre emails she gets from site members. But the more she considers potential suitors, the more she starts dreaming about kissing Siddharth Agrawal’s neck. A best friend would make a wonderful boyfriend, after all. When her desires progress from wanting-to-lick-and-kiss-him to wanting-to-punch-every-girl-who-glances-at-him, Aaliyah decides to act.

 

Siddharth is dazed when the girl he’s been in love with since ninth grade makes a move on him. He never thought Aaliyah would want a scary-looking-maybe you should say odd rather than scary computer nerd who can’t even pronounce ‘doctor’ without stumbling on the ‘d’. Combined with her mom’s disdain for him and his own parents’ snide comments, Siddharth starts believing he needs to change if he wants to keep Aaliyah forever. - Also this makes it sound like there's actually something wrong with him, rather than him thinking there's something wrong with him because of his own insecurities.

 

Forced to deal with a mother obsessed with marriage, a job with no rest-breaks and a boyfriend who’s morphing into someone she doesn’t recognize, Again it sounds like there's something wrong with him. Aaliyah’s life is unraveling faster than she can keep pace. She’ll have to work a miracle if she wants it all: a family, a job and the love of her life.

Your story sounds fun, and I understand Siddharth is a shy nerd who thinks he's not good enough. But instead of sounding sweet, right now it sounds creepy. You need to work on describing him better.

Hope his helps. All the best!

 

 

WWW.PERFECTMATCH.COM (82,000 words) is a light-hearted contemporary romance set in India that mixes the humor of Kristan Higgins’ books with the subtle poignancy of Rainbow Rowell’s ATTACHMENTS.



#10 MattLinenbroker

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Posted 16 August 2014 - 09:43 PM

Thank you very much Mallory and CorneliusKind. Both of you make good points.

 

REVISION #2

 

Dr. Aaliyah Shah knows she’s in trouble when her mother creates an online marriage profile and invites all slim, fair, 5'3" and above, non-smoking, vegetarian men to apply to marry her daughter.

 

LOL! I think this is actually a pretty solid, relatable hook.

 

Aaliyah works in the ICU at a busy government hospital. She doesn’t have time to meet the jerks her mother foists on her, or read the bizarre emails she gets from site members. But the more she considers potential suitors, the more she starts dreaming about kissing Siddharth Agrawal’s neck. A best friend would make a wonderful boyfriend, after all. When her desires progress from wanting-to-lick-and-kiss-him to wanting-to-punch-every-girl-who-glances-at-him, Aaliyah decides to act.

 

Good for you - you go Aaliyah! I think this is a SOLID paragraph. 

 

Siddharth is dazed when the girl he’s been in love with since ninth grade makes a move on him. He never thought Aaliyah would want a scary-looking scary-looking? How so? Is it just an insecurity thing? computer nerd who can’t even pronounce ‘doctor’ without stumbling on the ‘d’. Combined with her mom’s disdain for him and his own parents’ snide comments, Siddharth starts believing he needs to change if he wants to keep Aaliyah forever.

 

Forced to deal with a mother obsessed with marriage, a job with no rest-breaks and a boyfriend who’s morphing into someone she doesn’t recognize, Aaliyah’s life is unraveling faster than she can keep pace. She’ll have to work a miracle if she wants it all: a family, a job and the love of her life. Why is her life unraveling? Crazy job and annoying family, right? Okay, so maybe add some more of Aaliyah's voice, in her. Because right now I don't believe that she actually has to work a miracle. I think this query is REALLY REALLY SOLID up until this paragraph. What is her boyfriend doing? What's up with her job, having to deal with severed toes and doing grungey night shifts? What is her mother saying to her about marriage? I just think there needs to be more tension in this paragraph.

 

WWW.PERFECTMATCH.COM (82,000 words) is a light-hearted contemporary romance set in India that mixes the humor of Kristan Higgins’ books with the subtle poignancy of Rainbow Rowell’s ATTACHMENTS.

 

This is awesome, I love it! I would really, really value your opinions on my query, THE PHOENIX AND THE HALCYON. Thanks!



#11 jellymouse

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Posted 21 August 2014 - 07:40 AM

Thank you, Blitzing, for your feedback on my query. Here's my feedback on yours; would you be willing to take a peek at my latest query and the questions that I ask and see if you have any thoughts for me?: http://agentquerycon...mance-revision/

Thank you very much Mallory and CorneliusKind. Both of you make good points.

 

REVISION #2

 

Dr. Aaliyah Shah knows she’s in trouble when her mother creates an online marriage profile and invites all slim, fair, 5'3" and above, non-smoking, vegetarian men to apply to marry her daughter. I agree with previous feedback that this is a great and funny hook, but you should shorten this list. Pick three attributes.

 

Aaliyah works in the ICU at a busy government hospital. She doesn’t have time to meet the jerks her mother foists on her, or read the bizarre emails she gets from site members. But the more she considers potential suitors, the more she starts dreaming about kissing Siddharth Agrawal’s neck. A best friend would make a wonderful boyfriend, after all. Why all of a sudden has she started daydreaming about him? What changed? Is it just that suddenly she sees his virtues now in comparison with all the creepy jerks out there? If so, make this more clear. When her desires progress from wanting-to-lick-and-kiss-him to wanting-to-punch-every-girl-who-glances-at-him, Aaliyah decides to act. I agree the hyphens aren't needed here. Also I am not sure the wanting to punch every girl bit works for me. Your original line was indeed to unfamiliar to most Americans. If it was meant to convey some further level of intimacy or commitment, then maybe use that but make it clearer. I.e., "When her desires progress from wanting to lick and kiss him to wanting to marry him" or "wanting to pick out engagement rings with him" or something like that. Just an idea!

 

Siddharth is dazed personally I like "dumbfounded" or "stunned" better than dazed when the girl he’s been in love with since ninth grade makes a move on him. He never thought Aaliyah would want a scary-looking scary-looking how? Should I, the reader, be scared for Aaliyah as well? Right now it's not clear computer nerd who can’t even pronounce ‘doctor’ without stumbling on the ‘d’. Combined with her mom’s disdain for him and his own parents’ snide comments, Siddharth starts believing he needs to change if he wants to keep Aaliyah forever. Or, perhaps, "if he wants to keep Aaliya's interest" or "sustain Aaliyah's attention" or something like that.

 

Forced to deal with a mother obsessed with marriage, a job with no rest-breaks and a boyfriend who’s morphing into someone she doesn’t recognize, Aaliyah’s life is unraveling faster than she can keep pace. Unraveling seems like a strong word here. Is it really that catastrophic? Perhaps the details are getting a bit out of her own control, but unraveling? She’ll have to work a miracle if she wants it all: a family are we talking about the family of her birth, or a family of her own children? Because the way I read it at first was that you meant a family of her own children, a job and the love of her life.

 

WWW.PERFECTMATCH.COM (82,000 words) is a light-hearted contemporary romance set in India that mixes the humor of Kristan Higgins’ books with the subtle poignancy of Rainbow Rowell’s ATTACHMENTS.

 

I want to make it clear that I actually like the sound of this story and would really love to read it!!


Lerv,

 

Jellymouse, author of THE CATCH; query here.

 

Check out my web site!


#12 Ajax

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Posted 21 August 2014 - 07:48 AM

Are you querying from India? I am asking this as this book seems appropriate for the Indian market but you mention "Attachments" and leave me confused.

This is a very good plot. You could add more plotlines.

#13 HipNoh

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Posted 21 August 2014 - 09:53 AM

Thank you very much Mallory and CorneliusKind. Both of you make good points.

 

REVISION #2

 

Dr. Aaliyah Shah knows she’s in trouble when her mother creates an online marriage profile and invites all slim, fair, 5'3" and above, non-smoking, vegetarian men to apply to marry her daughter. THIS IS REALLY FUNNY. NICE. I WOULD REMOVE FAIR.

 

Aaliyah works in the ICU at a busy government hospital. She doesn’t have time to meet the jerks her mother foists on her, or read the bizarre emails she gets from site members. But the more she considers potential suitors, the more she starts dreaming about kissing Siddharth Agrawal’s neck. A best friend would make a wonderful boyfriend, after all. When her desires progress from wanting-to-lick-and-kiss-him to wanting-to-punch-every-girl-who-glances-at-him, Aaliyah decides to act. DOES SHE HAVE SOME SORT OF OBSESSION WITH NECKS? THE WORD CAME OUT RATHER HARSH.

 

Siddharth is dazed when the girl he’s been in love with since ninth grade makes a move on him. He never thought Aaliyah would want a scary-looking computer nerd who can’t even pronounce ‘doctor’ without stumbling on the ‘d’. Combined with her mom’s disdain for him and his own parents’ snide comments, Siddharth starts believing he needs to change if he wants to keep Aaliyah forever.  VERY SOLID!

 

Forced to deal with a mother obsessed with marriage, a job with no rest-breaks and a boyfriend who’s morphing into someone she doesn’t recognize, Aaliyah’s life is unraveling faster than she can keep pace. She’ll have to work a miracle if she wants it all: a family, a job and the love of her life.  THIS IS NOT BAD! BUT ASK YOURSELF IF YOU CAN POLISH IT UP A BIT TO MAKE IT STAND OUT MORE.

 

WWW.PERFECTMATCH.COM (82,000 words) is a light-hearted contemporary romance set in India that mixes the humor of Kristan Higgins’ books with the subtle poignancy of Rainbow Rowell’s ATTACHMENTS.

I really like what you got going here. This sounds like one of those books that’ll have you laughing on your ride to work. I don’t think it needs much work, but trust yourself and I’m sure you’ll find what you’re looking for. Good luck.

I would love to hear what you have to say about my FOURTH query. Any advice is greatly appreciated  

Click------ CLOUD ZERO



#14 spineofiron

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Posted 23 August 2014 - 12:35 PM

I do have to agree with Mallory -- I think using a web address might shuffle some of your letters into spam folders, unfortunately.  :wacko: Also, PerfectMatch.com is an actual online dating site. This is only my opinion, but I would say skip the website name for a title.


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#15 JanM

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Posted 23 August 2014 - 01:15 PM

I like the second version because it shows where the conflict is and it is more detailed about how her life is unravelling. 

 

Hope that helps. 

 

Jan 


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