Jump to content

Disclaimer



Photo
- - - - -

Marsh's Banquet


  • Please log in to reply
24 replies to this topic

#1 Jinsune

Jinsune

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 240 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationUS Northeast
  • Publishing Experience:Published four flash fictions.

Posted 30 August 2014 - 01:29 PM

See post #23 for the updated version

 

I'm currently looking for a few extra pair of eyes to look over this (see my post in the Wanted Ad section). If you're interested, pm me.

 

I'm planning on sending this to small presses and not agents, so correct me if I'm supposed to address it to someone other than the editors.

---

Dear (Editor's name),

 

I became interested in (publishing company here) because of the dark-themed books you publish. Because of this, I am submitting my 36,700-word dark fantasy novella, Marsh’s Banquet, for your consideration.

 

When Kae and Marsh deliver clocks to a secluded village in a neighboring country, they never expect to encounter a god that consumes people.

 

The people of Waking Falls worship Nove, a mysterious god that only likes merpeople, and its annual festival is about to begin. Things immediately take a turn for the worse when Kae and Marsh enter the village; Kae accidentally discovers that the villagers are holding Nove captive, and that something is impersonating it. On top of that, the festival is actually a time in which the god devours a part of the populace. What’s worse: Kae and Marsh are trapped in Waking Falls until it’s over.

 

Kae takes matters into his own hands to find a means of escape, but it won’t be as simple as that: he needs to save the now possessed, flesh-consuming Marsh, who has been designated the “host” of Nove, and unravel the mystery surrounding the entity that’s replacing it.

 

Filled with flesh-eating mermen, the living dead, and a dark atmosphere, Marsh’s Banquet will appeal to readers who are looking for a plot-driven story.

 

I would be honored to send you my completed manuscript upon request. Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

Best regards,



#2 LadyPetrichor

LadyPetrichor

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 11 posts
  • Literary Status:unagented
  • LocationUS South

Posted 30 August 2014 - 09:37 PM

I'll be honest, I was confused for a large part of this query. First I got distracted because I had no idea why Kae and Marsh were delivering clocks. Is that a thing? Are there really clock delivery people? 

 

Then it was really hard to understand this Nove guy. Why does he only like Merpeople? And by "like" do you mean he want to be friends with them, or does he want to eat them. Wait, are Kae and Marsh merpeople? Because that information should definitely be in your opening sentence.

 

I also really don't get a sense of who your main characters are. 

 

I'd say scrap this and start over. You have an interesting story concept, but it took me a really long time to figure that out. And an editor isn't going to try that hard.



#3 Jinsune

Jinsune

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 240 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationUS Northeast
  • Publishing Experience:Published four flash fictions.

Posted 30 August 2014 - 09:45 PM

Oay, thanks for your advice. Were those the only parts you were confused on? If so, I'll make sure to pay extra attention to them in my next revision.



#4 Jinsune

Jinsune

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 240 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationUS Northeast
  • Publishing Experience:Published four flash fictions.

Posted 30 August 2014 - 10:58 PM

Okay, here's my second revision. Let me know what you think.

--

Dear (Editor's name),

 

I became interested in (publishing company here) because of the dark-themed books you publish. Because of this, I am submitting my 36,700-word dark fantasy novella, Marsh’s Banquet, for your consideration.

 

Eighteen year old Kae and Marsh never expect to encounter a god that consumes people when they visit a secluded village in a neighboring country. And they never imagined that it was looking for a host.

 

The people of Waking Falls worship Nove, a mysterious god that favors merpeople and no one else, which is bad for Kae, since he’s a water sprite. Having no prior knowledge of this, he and Marsh arrive at the village on the day of the god’s annual festival, and they’re instantly met with superstitious villagers. Unable to receive payment for the clocks they delivered on behalf of the shop they work for, the pair decides to stay overnight.

 

Soon, Kae stumbles upon a grotesque creature which he learns is Nove; the villagers are imprisoning the god, while an unknown entity is impersonating it. One that wants to use Marsh as its host. See, the festival isn’t all it’s cracked up to be; it’s a time when Nove devours part of the populace, and no one is able to leave Waking Falls until it’s done, or until they die; whichever comes first.

 

Kae is determined to find a means of escape, but first he needs to save the possessed Marsh, and rescue Nove.

 

Filled with flesh-eating mermen, the living dead, and a dark atmosphere, Marsh’s Banquet will appeal to readers who are looking for a plot-driven story.

 

I would be honored to send you my completed manuscript upon request. Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

Best regards,



#5 kanundra

kanundra

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 30 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging
  • LocationUnited Kingdom
  • Publishing Experience:Writer for 'Lost Innocence' 2005 by LSD films. Scriptwriting with First Take run by the British Film Council.

    Assistant Producer on 'Mothers know best' 2006 with First Take as part of their DVDL course in Liverpool.

    Producer of 'Jim' 2009 with EDH Productions.

    Published 'Winds of Avala' with Bob Bello and Sci Fi Almanac 2010.

    Optioned 'Irobe' co-written with Melvin Johnson to Stone Cold Pictures.

    Co screen writer on 'The Pandoran Chronicles', currently in underwriting.

Posted 01 September 2014 - 10:06 AM

Thoughts follow :) 

Dear (Editor's name),

 

I became interested in (publishing company here) because of the dark-themed books you publish. Because of this, I am submitting my 36,700-word dark fantasy novella, Marsh’s Banquet, for your consideration.

 

Eighteen year old Kae and Marsh never expect to encounter a god that consumes people when they visit a secluded village in a neighboring country. And they never imagined that it was looking for a host.

When visiting a neighbouring village, eighteen year old friends, Kae and Marsh, meet a God that consumes people, and is looking for a new host.

 

The people of Waking Falls worship Nove, a mysterious god that favors merpeople and no one else, which is bad for Kae, since he’s a water sprite. Having no prior knowledge of this, he and Marsh arrive at the village to make a delivery, on the day of the god’s annual festival, and tThey’re instantly met with superstitious villagers. Unable to receive payment for the clocks they delivered on behalf of the shop they work for, the pair decides to stay overnight.

 

This is a bit wordy. I'd try and cut it down some. 

 

Soon, Kae stumbles upon a grotesque creature which he learns is Nove; the villagers are imprisoning the god, while an unknown entity is impersonating him it. One that wants to use Marsh as its host. See, the festival isn’t all it’s cracked up to be; it’s a time when Nove devours part of the populace, and no one is able to leave Waking Falls until it’s done, or until they die; whichever comes first. Great ending... 

 

Kae is determined to find a means of escape, but first he needs to save the possessed Marsh, and rescue Nove. I Want to read it now! lol 

 

Filled with flesh-eating mermen, the living dead, and a dark atmosphere, Marsh’s Banquet will appeal to readers who are looking for a plot-driven story.

 

I would be honored to send you my completed manuscript upon request. Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

Best regards,

 

 

Very interesting, I think you're almost there. :) 


Please help me with my query :) thanks 

 

http://agentquerycon...o-scififantasy/


#6 Jinsune

Jinsune

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 240 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationUS Northeast
  • Publishing Experience:Published four flash fictions.

Posted 01 September 2014 - 10:25 AM

Thanks for the feedback, kanundra. You did touch on something I've been worrying about when I wrote that revision. The character Nove doesn't have a gender/sex, so the only pronoun that will work is "it". The thing about that is that it sounds awkward in the query, and I'm not sure how to reword that sentence about the villagers holding it captive and it being impersonated to make it less so. =_='



#7 kanundra

kanundra

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 30 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging
  • LocationUnited Kingdom
  • Publishing Experience:Writer for 'Lost Innocence' 2005 by LSD films. Scriptwriting with First Take run by the British Film Council.

    Assistant Producer on 'Mothers know best' 2006 with First Take as part of their DVDL course in Liverpool.

    Producer of 'Jim' 2009 with EDH Productions.

    Published 'Winds of Avala' with Bob Bello and Sci Fi Almanac 2010.

    Optioned 'Irobe' co-written with Melvin Johnson to Stone Cold Pictures.

    Co screen writer on 'The Pandoran Chronicles', currently in underwriting.

Posted 01 September 2014 - 10:54 AM

Ooooo so you could write it like this instead. 

 

Kae stumbles upon a grotesque creature which he learns is Nove; the villagers are imprisoning the god, while an unknown entity is impersonating him it. One that wants to use Marsh as its host.

 

Kae stumbles upon a grotesque prisoner, which he learns is Nove. While an unknown entity impersonates the god, one that wants to use Marsh as its host.

Thoughts?


Please help me with my query :) thanks 

 

http://agentquerycon...o-scififantasy/


#8 dverikio

dverikio

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 153 posts
  • Literary Status:unagented
  • LocationUnited Kingdom
  • Publishing Experience:I've had a couple articles published on Yahoo but nothing fancy.

Posted 01 September 2014 - 03:21 PM

Okay, here's my second revision. Let me know what you think.

--

Dear (Editor's name),

 

I became interested in (publishing company here) because of the dark-themed books you publish. Because of this, I am submitting my 36,700-word dark fantasy novella, Marsh’s Banquet, for your consideration. Personally I'd save this paragraph for the end.

 

Eighteen year old Kae and Marsh never expect to encounter a god that consumes people when they visit a secluded village in a neighboring country. Who is the main character? Try and stick with just one. Why are they visiting the village?  And they never imagined that it was looking for a host.

 

The people of Waking Falls worship Nove, a mysterious god that favors merpeople and no one else, which is bad for Kae, since he’s a water sprite. Having no prior knowledge of this, he and Marsh arrive at the village on the day of the god’s annual festival, and they’re instantly met with superstitious villagers. Unable to receive payment for the clocks they delivered on behalf of the shop they work for, the pair decides to stay overnight. It sounds like Kae is the protagonist. I think you can perhaps drop Marsh from this. Honestly right now there is so much going on in this paragraph that I don't really know how the story is progressing, it seems to be jumping all over the place.

 

Soon, Kae stumbles upon a grotesque creature which he learns is Nove; You've already mentioned him above. So the suspense of what's doing this is not there at this point the villagers are imprisoning the god, while an unknown entity is impersonating it. One that wants to use Marsh as its host. See, the festival isn’t all it’s cracked up to be; it’s a time when Nove devours part of the populace, and no one is able to leave Waking Falls until it’s done, or until they die; whichever comes first.

 

Kae is determined to find a means of escape, but first he needs to save the possessed Marsh, and rescue Nove. Rescue? This guy needs to get killed.

 

Filled with flesh-eating mermen, the living dead, and a dark atmosphere, Marsh’s Banquet will appeal to readers who are looking for a plot-driven story. (I'd be worried if they weren't)

 

I would be honored to send you my completed manuscript upon request. Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

Best regards,

My biggest issue with the query is that it's reading like a very long checklist at the moment. The story is a bit all over the place and I kind of get what's going on but it keeps jumping. First of all you have to decide on your main protagonist and go from there, but I personally feel there needs to be more tension and build up.

 

You're where a lot of us were at the beginning so just keep going and see where it goes, it'll get there in no time.

 

Thanks for your help with mine btw.



#9 Jinsune

Jinsune

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 240 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationUS Northeast
  • Publishing Experience:Published four flash fictions.

Posted 01 September 2014 - 05:06 PM

Ooooo so you could write it like this instead. 

 

Kae stumbles upon a grotesque creature which he learns is Nove; the villagers are imprisoning the god, while an unknown entity is impersonating him it. One that wants to use Marsh as its host.

 

Kae stumbles upon a grotesque prisoner, which he learns is Nove. While an unknown entity impersonates the god, one that wants to use Marsh as its host.

Thoughts?

 

That a good idea, thanks kanundra! I'll draft up another revision ASAP and try to rework that sentence.

 

My biggest issue with the query is that it's reading like a very long checklist at the moment. The story is a bit all over the place and I kind of get what's going on but it keeps jumping. First of all you have to decide on your main protagonist and go from there, but I personally feel there needs to be more tension and build up.

 

You're where a lot of us were at the beginning so just keep going and see where it goes, it'll get there in no time.

 

Thanks for your help with mine btw.

 

Thanks for your critique, dverikio. The thing about helping Nove is this: Nove is being impersonated, so the one doing the killing isn't it (it's being imprisoned), and there's different types of stories, but this one is plot-driven (it focuses more on plot rather than character growth and other things), and not character-driven.



#10 Jinsune

Jinsune

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 240 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationUS Northeast
  • Publishing Experience:Published four flash fictions.

Posted 01 September 2014 - 06:27 PM

Okay, I took another stab at this, so hopefully things flow better and sound clearer.

---

Dear (Editor's name),

 

I became interested in (publishing company here) because of the dark-themed books you publish. Because of this, I am submitting my 36,700-word dark fantasy novella, Marsh’s Banquet, for your consideration.

 

While visiting a secluded village in the neighboring country, eighteen-year-old Kae never expected to encounter a god that consumes people.

 

The people of Waking Falls worship Nove, a mysterious god that only favors merpeople, which is bad for Kae, since he’s a water sprite. Having no prior knowledge of this, he and his friend, Marsh arrive at the village on the day of the god’s annual festival, and they’re instantly met with superstitious villagers. Unable to receive payment for the clocks they’re delivering until the next day, the pair decides to stay overnight.

 

Before nightfall however, Kae stumbles upon an imprisoned creature, which turns out to be Nove, and later encounters an unknown entity that’s impersonating the god. One that's determined to use Marsh as its host for Nove’s festival. See, the celebration isn’t all it’s cracked up to be; it’s a time when Nove possesses someone, then devours part of the populace. Meanwhile, no one is able to leave Waking Falls until it’s done, or until they die; whichever comes first.

 

Nevertheless, Kae is determined to find a means of escape, but first he needs to save the possessed Marsh, and rescue Nove.

 

Filled with flesh-eating mermen, the living dead, and a dark atmosphere, Marsh’s Banquet will appeal to readers who are looking for a plot-driven story.

 

I would be honored to send you my completed manuscript upon request. Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

Best regards,



#11 ACMC

ACMC

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 90 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, unagented
  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 01 September 2014 - 10:43 PM

There is a lot going on here. And a lot of it is confusing.

 

Your characters are clearly existing in a unique place and while I am not a big fan of world building in queries (though I certainly started there), I feel like there needs to be a bit more here for us to have any idea what is going on. I mean, you raise a lot of questions that are frustrating to the reader. And by the reader, of course I mean me.

 

Does every village have a unique god? Are sprites common or unusual? Do mer people hate sprites? Is this a village of mer people? How are there enough people there for the god to consume part of the population and still have people there willing to worship it? And why would they? What does it give them? Why on earth are they delivering clocks? Is this an alternate reality? A different planet? 

 

 

Okay, I took another stab at this, so hopefully things flow better and sound clearer.

---

Dear (Editor's name),

 

I became interested in (publishing company here) because of the dark-themed books you publish. Because of this, I am submitting my 36,700-word dark fantasy novella, Marsh’s Banquet, for your consideration.

 

While visiting a secluded village in the neighboring country, eighteen-year-old Kae never expected to encounter a god that consumes people, especially not while visiting a secluded village. Lead with the protagonist. 

 

The people of Waking Falls worship Nove, a mysterious (weak) god that only favors merpeople, which is bad for Kae, since he’s a water sprite. (this is confusing. By favors do you mean likes? Why would that be bad for a water sprite?) Having no prior knowledge of this, (wordy. too wordy.) When he and his friend, Marsh arrive at the village on the day of the god’s annual festival they have no idea, and they’re instantly met with superstitious (superstitious or suspicious? Why are they superstitious about a water sprite?) villagers. Unable to receive payment for the clocks they’re delivering until the next day, the pair decides to stay overnight. 

 

Before nightfall however, (weak) Kae stumbles upon an imprisoned creature, which turns out to be Nove, and later encounters an unknown entity that’s impersonating the god. One that's determined to use Marsh as its host for Nove’s festival. See, the celebration isn’t all it’s cracked up to be; it’s a time when Nove possesses someone, then devours part of the populace. Meanwhile, no one is able to leave Waking Falls until it’s done, or until they die; whichever comes first. You completely lost me here.

 

Nevertheless, Kae is determined to find a means of escape, but first he needs to save the possessed Marsh, and rescue Nove. And you lost me again. Why is he saving Nove? 

 

Filled with flesh-eating mermen, the living dead, and a dark atmosphere, Marsh’s Banquet will appeal to readers who are looking for a plot-driven story. As opposed to what? 

 

I would be honored to send you my completed manuscript upon request. Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

Best regards,



#12 kanundra

kanundra

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 30 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging
  • LocationUnited Kingdom
  • Publishing Experience:Writer for 'Lost Innocence' 2005 by LSD films. Scriptwriting with First Take run by the British Film Council.

    Assistant Producer on 'Mothers know best' 2006 with First Take as part of their DVDL course in Liverpool.

    Producer of 'Jim' 2009 with EDH Productions.

    Published 'Winds of Avala' with Bob Bello and Sci Fi Almanac 2010.

    Optioned 'Irobe' co-written with Melvin Johnson to Stone Cold Pictures.

    Co screen writer on 'The Pandoran Chronicles', currently in underwriting.

Posted 02 September 2014 - 10:31 AM

The problem with queries is that everyone's opinion is very different, so we're picking the best bits out of what everyone says and trying to make the most of them. 

 

Dear (Editor's name),

 

I became interested in (publishing company here) because of the dark-themed books you publish. Because of this, I am submitting my 36,700-word dark fantasy novella, Marsh’s Banquet, for your consideration.

 

While visiting a secluded village in the neighboring country, eighteen-year-old Kae never expected to encounter a god that consumes people.

 

The people of Waking Falls worship Nove, a mysterious god that only favors merpeople, which is bad for Kae, since he’s a water sprite. I think I struggle with this part because I don't know why it's bad for him when he's a sprite, or why the God favours merpeople they're two different species right?. Having no prior knowledge of this, he and his friend, Marsh arrive at the village on the day of the god’s annual festival, and they’re instantly met with superstitious villagers. Unable to receive payment for the clocks they’re delivering until the next day, the pair decides to stay overnight.

 

Having no prior knowledge of this, he and his friend, Marsh arrive in Waking Falls. Trying to make a delivery, but it's on the day of the god’s annual festival and there is no one available to pay them for their wear. They then decide to stay overnight, in the hopes everything will work out in the morning.

 

Before nightfall , Kae stumbles upon an imprisoned creature, which turns out to be Nove, (we need a reason here that he wants to save him, so, give us perhaps that he feels sorry for the creature) and later encounters an unknown entity that’s impersonating the god. One that's determined to use Marsh as its host for Nove’s festival. The celebration isn’t all it’s cracked up to be; it’s a time when Nove possesses someone, then devours part of the populace. Meanwhile, no one is able to leave Waking Falls until it’s done, or until they die; whichever comes first. But it isn't Nove that wants to do this, is it? He's imprisoned, while someone else does the killing. So what and who is Nove? a regular good God, or still a bad guy. Because if he's still the one who will eat people, then I wouldn't rescue him.

 

Nevertheless, Kae is determined to find a means of escape, but first he needs to save the possessed Marsh, and rescue Nove. (why)

 

Filled with flesh-eating mermen, the living dead, and a dark atmosphere, Marsh’s Banquet will appeal to readers who are looking for a plot-driven story.

 

I would be honored to send you my completed manuscript upon request. Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

Best regards,

 

Hope I gave you a bit more to think on :) 


Please help me with my query :) thanks 

 

http://agentquerycon...o-scififantasy/


#13 Jinsune

Jinsune

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 240 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationUS Northeast
  • Publishing Experience:Published four flash fictions.

Posted 02 September 2014 - 03:40 PM

Thanks kanundra! As always, I'm taking your advice into consideration. I think what I need to do is simplify things, and leave some stuff out.



#14 Jinsune

Jinsune

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 240 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationUS Northeast
  • Publishing Experience:Published four flash fictions.

Posted 07 September 2014 - 09:34 AM

Okay, here's my latest version.

---

Dear (Editor's name),

 

I am submitting my 37,000-word dark fantasy novella, MARSH’S BANQUET for your consideration. Because (publishing company here) publishes books with dark tones and plots, I feel that my story would be right at home with your other titles.

 

Eighteen-year-old Kae, a sword-wielding water sprite, and his friend Marsh find that their arrival at the village of Waking Falls coincides with the annual festival of the local deity, Nove. Because of his disrespectful attitude, he ends up clashing with the god instead of delivering the merchandise he brought to the town. The tension between the two ends when Kae learns the villagers have imprisoned Nove, and that Marsh will be forced to participate in the festival as the designated “host”.

 

With the village exits sealed off, and the arrival of a Nove impersonator who’s bent on possessing Marsh to initiate the festival and devour the locals, Kae is unable to stand idly by and abandon his friend; he needs to drive the invader out, and escape the village, even if it means risking his life.

 

Filled with flesh-eating mermen, the living dead, and a dark atmosphere, MARSH’S BANQUET will appeal to readers of high fantasy.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

 

Best regards,



#15 MZM

MZM

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 638 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging
  • LocationAsia
  • Publishing Experience:Circuits and Slippers anthology, coming September 2016! http://jayleejames.com/circuits-and-slippers/

Posted 07 September 2014 - 10:03 PM

Hi Jin! Thanks for your comments on my query!


Eighteen-year-old Kae, a sword-wielding water sprite, and his friend Marsh find that their arrival at the village of Waking Falls coincides with the annual festival of the local deity, Nove. Because of his <-- Kae's or Marsh's or the god's? disrespectful attitude, he <--same as with "his," perhaps consider putting a name here to clear it up  ends up clashing with the god instead of delivering the merchandise he brought to the town <-- could skip the part about delivering merchandise and just finish it at "clashing with the god.". The tension between the two ends when Kae learns the villagers have imprisoned Nove, and that Marsh will be forced to participate in the festival as the designated “host”.<-- maybe "sacrifice" would have a bigger impact

 

With the village exits sealed off, and the arrival of a Nove impersonator <-- consider adding this to the "explanation" phrase inthe paragraph above. Something like: "the tension ends when Kae learns [...] and Marsh will be (sacrificed/host/etc) to a fake diety/impersonator." Otherwise, the fact that the villagers have imprisioned the god clashes a bit with the fact that they are still offering him a host. who’s bent on possessing Marsh to initiate the festival and devour the locals, Kae is unable to stand idly by and abandon his friend; he needs to drive the invader out, and escape the village, even if it means risking his life.

 

Filled with flesh-eating mermen, the living dead, and a dark atmosphere, MARSH’S BANQUET will appeal to readers of high fantasy.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

 

Best regards,

 

Other than the couple of points, this sounds solid to me!

 

Maria M.



#16 LapisLazuli

LapisLazuli

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 23 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationCanada

Posted 07 September 2014 - 10:45 PM

Dear (Editor's name),

 

I am submitting my 37,000-word dark fantasy novella, MARSH’S BANQUET for your consideration. Because (publishing company here) publishes books with dark tones and plots, I feel that my story would be right at home with your other titles.

 

Eighteen-year-old Kae, a sword-wielding water sprite, and his friend Marsh find that their arrival at the village of Waking Falls coincides with the annual festival of the local deity, Nove. Because of his I agree with MZM above. Does this refer to Kae or Marsh? disrespectful attitude, he ends up clashing with the god instead of delivering the merchandise he brought to the town. The tension between the two ends when Kae learns the villagers have imprisoned Nove, and that Marsh will be forced to participate in the festival as the designated “host”. This part is a bit confusing. Can you explain what it means to be the 'host'?

 

With the village exits sealed off, and the arrival of a Nove impersonator who’s bent on possessing Marsh to initiate the festival and devour the locals, Kae is unable to stand idly by and abandon his friend; he needs to drive the invader out, and escape the village, even if it means risking his life. This is quite a long sentence. It sounds like you're trying to cram a lot of plot here. Try breaking it up into smaller sentences that are easier to understand. I've cut some words that I think are unnecessary by crossing them off above.

 

Filled with flesh-eating mermen, the living dead, and a dark atmosphere, MARSH’S BANQUET will appeal to readers of high fantasy. Good ending.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

 

Best regards,

 

You've got some good ideas here. With a few small stylistic changes, I think you could make it even better. Good luck!



#17 Tanja

Tanja

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 622 posts
  • Literary Status:unagented
  • LocationAustralia/New Zealand

Posted 08 September 2014 - 10:21 PM

Thank you for taking the time to go through my post :smile:  I'm trying my best here. All still very new to me.

 

I am submitting my 37,000-word dark fantasy novella, MARSH’S BANQUET for your consideration. Because (publishing company here) publishes books with dark tones and plots, I feel that my story would be right at home with your other titles. I would put this to the end. Start of with the plot.

 

Eighteen-year-old Kae, a sword-wielding water sprite, and his friend Marsh find that their arrival at the village of Waking Falls coincides coinciding? (Just suggesting) with the annual festival of the local deity, Nove. Because of his disrespectful attitude I also agree with the others. who?, he ends up clashing with the god instead of delivering the merchandise he brought to the town. The tension between the two ends when Kae learns the villagers have imprisoned Nove, and that Marsh will be forced to participate in the festival as the designated “host”. I'm sure you can bring more tension into the last sentence. What type of festival? Apparently it's not just an ordinary festival.

 

With the village exits sealed off, and the arrival of a Nove impersonator who’s bent on possessing Marsh to initiate the festival and devour the locals, Kae is unable to stand idly by and abandon his friend; he needs to drive the invader out, and escape the village, even if it means risking his life. Sometimes shorter is better. I know one of my problems too.

 

Filled with flesh-eating mermen, the living dead, and a dark atmosphere, MARSH’S BANQUET will appeal to readers of high fantasy. Use parts of your first sentence here. You don't need to explain why you try to publish with them. If it's in their genre then they know that anyway.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

 

Best regards,

 

Hope this helps. Good luck


Query:  10 DAY BETRAYAL

             10 DAY CONSPIRACY

             RABBIT 76 (NEW PROJECT)

 

Twitter: @tccorrey


#18 Jinsune

Jinsune

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 240 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationUS Northeast
  • Publishing Experience:Published four flash fictions.

Posted 27 September 2014 - 07:42 PM

Thanks for the critiques guys, I'm working on those revisions. Just for clarification, is there anything that comes off as confusing to anyone?



#19 Jinsune

Jinsune

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 240 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationUS Northeast
  • Publishing Experience:Published four flash fictions.

Posted 28 September 2014 - 10:59 AM

Okay, so I got some advice from some others on another writing community and decided to give more info to try and clear up a lot of questions about the festival, the villagers and their actions, etc. I'm not sure if this works, or if I need to remove some things.

---

Dear (Editor's name),

 

I am submitting my 37,000-word dark fantasy novella, MARSH’S BANQUET for your consideration. Because (publishing company here) publishes books with dark plots, I feel that my story would be right at home with your other titles, and will appeal to readers of high fantasy.

 

Eighteen-year-old Kae, a sword-wielding water sprite, and his friend Marsh find that their arrival at a secluded village coincides with the annual festival of the local deity, Nove. Because of Kae’s disrespectful attitude, he clashes with the god in its home underneath the village. When he realizes the eccentric villagers are actually imprisoning Nove there to ensure it doesn’t leave and “abandon” them, the tension between the two quickly subsides. Unfortunately, the villagers are still up to no good; when he returns to the village, they label Marsh the “host”—a person who is possessed by the god, so that it can devour a certain number of the locals—of the festival because of his merman heritage.

 

Now here’s the part that really makes Kae’s blood run cold: Nove has been imprisoned since birth, thus it has never participated in the festival; in other words, something else has been impersonating the god. Something that has even the villagers fooled.

 

With the arrival of the Nove impersonator, who possesses Marsh, Kae is unable to stand by and abandon his friend to his fate; he’s ready to do anything it takes to drive the invader out.

 

He just has to deal with the villagers, who turn out to be the living dead, whose only hope of dying permanently rests in Nove as its feasts upon them—and they won’t give its “host” up so easily. Neither will the imposter, which genuinely believes itself to be Nove. But it must be delusional, because that would mean there are two Noves instead of one. Two gods that are completely unaware of each other.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you soon.



#20 Jinsune

Jinsune

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 240 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationUS Northeast
  • Publishing Experience:Published four flash fictions.

Posted 25 October 2014 - 10:43 AM

Okay, I'm back again with another revision. There are some parts in here that I think could use some work. Any opinions? I'm all ears.

---

Dear (Editor's name),

 

I am submitting my 37,000-word dark fantasy novella, MARSH’S BANQUET for your consideration. Because (publishing company here) publishes books with dark plots, I feel that my story would be right at home with your other titles, and will appeal to readers of high fantasy.

 

While visiting a secluded village in the neighboring country, eighteen-year-old water sprite Kae never expected to encounter a god that consumes people.

 

Kae and his friend Marsh find that their arrival in Waking Falls coincides with the annual festival of the local deity, Nove. However, things are far from normal there; the villagers have imprisoned the god to ensure it doesn’t leave and “abandon” them, and they’ve labeled Marsh the “host”—a person who is possessed by Nove during the festival, so that it can devour a certain number of the locals—because of the god’s preference for merpeople. Kae is horrified, and ready to leave, but this will prove to be an arduous task, because the village is now sealed off from the rest of the world, and escape is impossible.

 

He isn’t one to give up, but Kae’s plans of escape are put on hold when Marsh is possessed, only, there’s something odd about the possession; with Nove imprisoned, that can only mean something else is impersonating the god. Something that has even the villagers fooled.

 

God or not, Kae refuses to allow it to inhabit Marsh, especially when he learns that the “host” always dies once the festival ends. If he can drive it out, he can save the life of his best friend. He just has to deal with the villagers, who are actually the living dead, and whose only hope of dying permanently rests in Nove as its feasts upon them once a year—but they won’t give its “host” up so easily. Neither will the impersonator, which genuinely believes itself to be Nove.

 

Armed with only his wits, and his water sprite abilities, Kae has no choice but to face his mountain of problems, and hope that he can make it out alive. The key to expelling the imposter and escaping lies in a single item that must be found, but it doesn’t have a tangible form.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

Best regards,






0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users