Okay, I'm back again with another revision. There are some parts in here that I think could use some work. Any opinions? I'm all ears.
Dear (Editor's name),
I am submitting my 37,000-word dark fantasy novella, MARSH’S BANQUET for your consideration. Because (publishing company here) publishes books with dark plots, I feel that my story would be right at home with your other titles, and will appeal to readers of high fantasy.
While visiting a secluded village in the neighboring country, eighteen-year-old water sprite Kae never expected to encounter a god that consumes people good hook.
Kae and his friend Marsh find that their arrival in Waking Falls coincides with the annual festival of the local deity, Nove. However, things are far from normal there; the villagers have imprisoned the god to ensure it doesn’t leave and “abandon” them, and they’ve labeled Marsh the “host”—a person who is possessed by Nove during the festival, so that it can devour a certain number of the locals—because of the god’s preference for merpeople.I think that last sentence there can be broken up just a tiny bit. It was quite a mouthful. Kae is horrified, and ready to leave, but this will prove to be an arduous task, because the village is now sealed off from the rest of the world, and escape is impossible and I'd assume if Marsh is labeled as the host, the villagers wouldn't be too keen on letting them go anyway?.
He isn’t one to give up, but Kae’s plans of escape are put on hold when Marsh is possessed, only, there’s something odd about the possession; with Nove imprisoned this one caught me up for a moment. Is there a way to solidify that Nove is actually imprisoned before hand?, that can only mean something else is impersonating the god. Something that has even the villagers fooled later on you say that it has itself fooled too. It might be beneficial to move that up here.
God or not, Kae refuses to allow it to inhabit so he's already possessed. Does this mean he refuses to let it stay? Marsh, especially when he learns that the “host” always dies once the festival ends. If he can drive it out ah. previous question answered, he can save the life of his best friend. He just has to deal with the villagers, who are actually other wording than actually? the living dead, and whose only hope of dying permanently rests in Nove as its feasts upon them once a yearooohh... interesting—but they won’t give its “host” up so easily. Neither will the impersonator, which genuinely believes itself to be Nove.
Armed with only his wits, and his water sprite abilities, Kae has no choice but to face his mountain of problems I think we can assume he has no choice but to face his problems down, and hope that he can make it out alive. The key to expelling the imposter and escaping lies in a single item that must be found, but it doesn’t have a tangible form This sentence doesn't really feel like a good place to end off, maybe you should move it in front of the sentence before it and end with the stakes.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
You say it will appeal to readers of high fantasy... well I'd assume that to be true because that is my genre and I really want to read it now! If you need beta readers shoot me a message.
I think that there are only a few things that might aid the clarity of your query but other than that, as far as I'm concerned, you caught me. That's what a QL is for I suppose!