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LORELEI MOON AND THE LEGEND OF THE SEVEN SEAS


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#1 Pat Megahey

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Posted 30 September 2010 - 07:56 PM

When Lorelei’s parents are kidnapped by Rellik, an evil half Triton, half merman, her only hope in rescuing them is to unite with the other members of the Seven, an
exclusive group of powerful and magical merpeople.

The morning after a violent storm hits the tiny island of New Concord, Lorelei is found washed up on the beach by a young oceanographer. Although the island is an idyllic paradise, Lorelei must soon leave the safety of its shores, and come face to face with her greatest enemy. Rellik, using her parents as bait has been hunting Lorelei, because she possesses special powers which he covets. Hers is the ability to manipulate water, make waves, and change the tides. In her quest to defeat Rellik and get her parents back, Lorelei must overcome many obstacles, but soon learns that she is not alone. Faced with a common enemy, the other members of the Seven have come together, each bringing a special magical gift to the mix. But before she is able to confront Rellik and the Tritons at the Abyss, Lorelei and the others must first discover how their lives and their powers will be affected by the legend of the seven seas, and more importantly, they must learn to work together.

LORELEI MOON AND THE LEGEND OF THE SEVEN SEAS is about the eternal struggle of good versus evil, and will appeal to both young and young at heart readers, who enjoy being transported to magical places.

I live in upstate New York with my husband and four children, and am a kindergarten teacher. LORELIE MOON is my debut young adult novel, and is complete at about 40,000 words.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

#2 Brendacarre

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Posted 30 September 2010 - 08:43 PM

When Lorelei’s parents are kidnapped by Rellik, an evil half Triton, half merman, her only hope in rescuing them is to unite with the other members of the Seven, an
exclusive group of powerful and magical merpeople.

The morning after a violent storm hits the tiny island of New Concord, Lorelei is found washed up on the beach by a young oceanographer. Although the island is an idyllic paradise, Lorelei must soon leave the safety of its shores, and come face to face with her greatest enemy. Rellik, using her parents as bait has been hunting Lorelei, because she possesses special powers which he covets. Hers is the ability to manipulate water, make waves, and change the tides. In her quest to defeat Rellik and get her parents back, Lorelei must overcome many obstacles, but soon learns that she is not alone. Faced with a common enemy, the other members of the Seven have come together, each bringing a special magical gift to the mix. But before she is able to confront Rellik and the Tritons at the Abyss, Lorelei and the others must first discover how their lives and their powers will be affected by the legend of the seven seas, and more importantly, they must learn to work together.

LORELEI MOON AND THE LEGEND OF THE SEVEN SEAS is about the eternal struggle of good versus evil, and will appeal to both young and young at heart readers, who enjoy being transported to magical places.

I live in upstate New York with my husband and four children, and am a kindergarten teacher. LORELIE MOON is my debut young adult novel, and is complete at about 40,000 words.

Thank you for your time and consideration.


Well done. I get a really good sense of your story here. It feels to me like a superhero story set in an aquatic world. Have you considered turning this into a graphic novel?

#3 RC Lewis

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Posted 30 September 2010 - 09:48 PM

This is pretty solid, but I have a few thoughts, in blue below.

----

When Lorelei’s parents are kidnapped by Rellik, an evil half Triton, half merman, her only hope in rescuing them is to unite with the other members of the Seven ("other"? So she's one of them, or Rellik is one of them?), an exclusive group of powerful and magical (I think either "powerful" or "magical" would get the job done) merpeople.

The morning after a violent storm hits the tiny island of New Concord, Lorelei is found washed up on the beach by a young oceanographer. Although the island is an idyllic paradise, Lorelei must soon leave the safety of its shores, and come face to face with her greatest enemy. (At this point I get a bit of whiplash, because it seems like the intro of the storm and island has nothing to do with anything else that follows.) Rellik, using her parents as bait has been hunting Lorelei (awkward to read), because she possesses special powers which he covets. Hers is the ability to manipulate water, make waves, and change the tides. In her quest to defeat Rellik and get her parents back, Lorelei must overcome many obstacles, but soon learns that she is not alone. Faced with a common enemy, the other members of the Seven have come together, each bringing a special magical gift to the mix. But before she is able to confront Rellik and the Tritons at the Abyss, Lorelei and the others must first discover how their lives and their powers will be affected by the legend of the seven seas, and more importantly, they must learn to work together. (The latter half of this paragraph sounds a bit "explained down" to the reader, which makes the piece feel a lot younger than YA. More on that below.)

LORELEI MOON AND THE LEGEND OF THE SEVEN SEAS is about the eternal struggle of good versus evil, and will appeal to both young and young at heart readers, who enjoy being transported to magical places. (I'm not a fan of these types of statements, and the "eternal struggle of good versus evil" can apply to a huge swath of stories, but let others weigh in on it.)

I live in upstate New York with my husband and four children, and am a kindergarten teacher. LORELIE (oops, watch your spelling) MOON is my debut young adult novel, and is complete at about 40,000 words.

----

Between what I noted above and the 40k word count, this feels more like middle-grade than YA to me. If the tone and voice of the book is similar to that shown here, I'm inclined to think my teenage students would roll their eyes at the "we've gotta learn to work together" theme, while younger kids might still be able to buy into it.

Just my thoughts--hope some of them are helpful.

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#4 Pat Megahey

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Posted 01 October 2010 - 05:54 AM

Thanks for your imput. You are right, about the book being geared more towards middle grades, but would that be considered children's or young adult fiction? As far as the storm, and the island, I see your point, but the people Lorelei meets on the island become important later on, so I thought I should give it a mention. If I take that out, I'm not really sure how to get started. Pat

#5 RC Lewis

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Posted 01 October 2010 - 08:42 AM

Middle Grade (MG) is a category of its own, so you can certainly categorize your book that way (i.e., LORELEI MOON is a 40,000 word middle grade novel).

As for how to start, I think you could build more directly off your hook. Her parents have been kidnapped by Rellik, so she must unite with the Seven to rescue them--expand on that, why Rellik took her parents, what she has to do to get them back, what stands in her way, what will happen if she fails (will he just kill her parents, or is there more at stake?).

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#6 Pat Megahey

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Posted 03 October 2010 - 09:39 AM

Thanks for the suggestions. Please excuse some of my spelling. I need to get a new keyboard. This one keeps sticking and it's drivng me nuts.

To Candycane, Thank you. I've never really thought about a graphic novel, but that's not such a bad idea. I have an old college friend who could do the artwork, so maybe I'll consider that. I plan to eventually write three books in total. One from Loelei's point of view, one from Eve's and one from Bridget's, so I don't know if a graphic novel would work or not. I appreciate your input.

To RC Lewis, I'm new at this and have been looking at some of the submission requirements for various literary agents, and I haven't noticed a (MG) category. If an agency represents childrens lit, do I just write in the subject area that it is for middle grades?

Revised version (Any better?)

When Lorelei’s parents are kidnapped by Rellik, an evil half Triton, half merman, her only hope in rescuing them is to unite with the other members of the Seven, an exclusive group of powerful merpeople.

On their way to find Nereid, a reclusive old mermaid, who the Moons believe may have the key to defeating Rellik, Lorelei's parents are abducted. Using her parents as bait, Rellik tries to lure Lorelei to the Abyss, a forbidden underwater canyon littered with the bones of dead sea creatures, so that he can steal her powers. Lorelei who is one of the Seven, has the ability to manipulate water, make waves, and change the tides. In her quest to defeat Rellik and get her parents back, Lorelei must overcome many obstacles, but soon learns that she is not alone. Faced with a common enemy, the other members of the Seven have united, each bringing a special magical gift to the mix. But before she is able to confront Rellik and the Tritons, Lorelei and the others must first discover how their lives and their powers will be affected by the Legend of the Seven Seas.

LORELEI MOON AND THE LEGEND OF THE SEVEN SEAS is complete at about 40,0000 words and will appeal to middle grade readers, who enjoy being transported to magical places.

I live in upstate New York with my husband and four children, and am a kindergarten teacher. LORELEI MOON is my debut novel.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

#7 Pat Megahey

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Posted 04 October 2010 - 10:47 PM

I hope this version is better. I feel like I've reworked it so many times, I don't know if I'm making it better or worse. Also, I've been working on the dreaded synopsis and have cut it from 800 to 450 words. Does anyone know if that is still too long? I appreciate any input. Thanks Pat

#8 Kay

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Posted 05 October 2010 - 08:21 AM

Re synopsis -- it depends. Usually if you've got it down to 1-2 pages you're going to be OK. A few want one page only and don't want you to cheat with narrow margins and small fonts. I think 450 words should be fine and if 800 word one is tight save it too. Some will allow 1-10 pages but on a book this length I'd think you'd want to stick with 1-2 pages on the synopsis.
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#9 Diana Shelton

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Posted 05 October 2010 - 08:48 AM

On their way to find Nereid, a reclusive old mermaid, who the Moons believe may have the key to defeating Rellik, Lorelei's parents are abducted

That is a lot of , and , and, and, in one sentence. I might rework it so it flows a bit better.

Other than that, it reads well! Good luck!

#10 Pat Megahey

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Posted 05 October 2010 - 03:18 PM

Thanks everyone. What do you think Diana? "On their way to find Nereid, a reclusive old Sea Witch, Lorelei's parents are abducted. The Moons had attempted this perilous journey,with the hope that Nereid might hold the key to defeating Rellik. Now Mr. and Mrs. Moon are in Rellik's clutches, and Lorelei is alone."

#11 Brendacarre

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Posted 05 October 2010 - 07:53 PM

I like the intro but feel the middle's a bit wordy. I know what it feels like to be too close to the words. You definitely have everything there but here's what it might look like if you just cut out a few words:

Lorelei's parents are abducted on their way to find Nereid, a reclusive old mermaid who may have the key to defeating Rellik. Using her parents as bait, Rellik lures Lorelei to the Abyss. Lorelei has the ability to manipulate water, make waves, and change the tides. To defeat Rellik Lorelei unites with the other members of the Seven. But before she is able to confront Rellik and the Tritons, Lorelei and the others must first discover how their lives and their powers will be affected by the Legend of the Seven Seas.

#12 RC Lewis

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Posted 05 October 2010 - 08:05 PM

In addition to what CC said, you might try to find a way to leave Nereid's name out of it--as a character, she sounds like a means to an end, so her name doesn't really seem necessary.

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#13 Pat Megahey

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Posted 23 November 2010 - 11:01 PM

When Lorelei’s parents are kidnapped by Rellik, an evil half Triton, half merman, her only hope in rescuing them is to unite with the other members of the Seven, an exclusive group of powerful merpeople.

On their way to find Nereid, a reclusive old Sea Witch, Lorelei’s parents are abducted. The Moons had attempted this perilous journey with the belief that Nereid might hold the key to vanquishing Rellik. Now Mr. and Mrs. Moon are in Rellik’s clutches, and Lorelei is alone. Using her parents as bait, Rellik tries to lure Lorelei to the Abyss, a forbidden underwater canyon littered with the bones of dead sea creatures, so that he can steal her powers. Lorelei who is one of the Seven, has the ability to manipulate water, make waves, and change the tides. In her quest to defeat Rellik and get her parents back, Lorelei must overcome many obstacles, but soon learns that she is not alone. Faced with a common enemy, the other members of the Seven have united, each bringing a special magical gift to the mix. But before she is able to confront Rellik and the Tritons, Lorelei and the others must first discover how their lives and their powers will be affected by the Legend of the Seven Seas.

LORELEI MOON AND THE LEGEND OF THE SEVEN SEAS is complete at about 40,0000 words.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Patricia Megahey

#14 Brendacarre

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Posted 24 November 2010 - 03:18 AM

I think you could reduce the length of that ponderous middle paragraph still more by employing active verbs.

eg: When Rellik abducts Lorelei's parents on their way to find Nereid, the reclusive old sea witch who holds the secret to the Legend of the Seven Seas, Lorelei must unite with others like her--members of The Seven--and discover how the mysterious Legend of the Seven Seas affects all their powers and their lives. With her parents in his power, Rellik plans to lure Lorelei to (his home in?)the forbidden Abyss and steal her power to manipulate water, make waves and change the tides. But little does he know that Lorelei and the rest of The Seven have plans of their own.

Again, this is only an example. I think you might be saying Rellik's home is in the Abyss, but I could be wrong. I think you're saying Neried has the key to the Legend but again I might be wrong. I think you plan for Lorelei and her mer-group to kick some Triton A$$. I may be wrong on this too, but I don't think so. :biggrin:

Whatever way you write it though, we need to be clear as to who does what to whom and why. Good luck.

#15 Pat Megahey

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Posted 30 November 2010 - 10:53 PM

Candycane, Thanks for all of your helpful suggestions. I think my hook (When Lorelei's parents are kidnapped by Rellik, an evil half Triton, half merman, her only hope in rescuing them is to unite with the other members of the Seven, an exclusive group of powerful merpeople.) is finally okay, but the second pragraph needs a little work. Although Nereid is a central character, I may leave her name out and just say, "On their way to find a reclusive old sea witch that they believe may hold the key to vanquishing Rellik; Lorelei's parents are abducted and brought to the Abyss, a forbidden underwater canyon littered with the bones of dead sea creatures. Using her parents as bait, Rellik has set a trap for Lorelei, in order to steal her powers. (I don't like the wording in that previous sentenece. Any suggestions? Maybe "In order to steal her powers, Rellik has set a trap for Lorelei, using her parents as bait.") Lorelei, who is one of the Seven, has the ability to manipulate water, make waves, and chage the tides. In her quest to defeat Rellik and get her parents back, Lorelei must overcome many obstacles, but soon learns that she is not alone. Faced with a common enemy, the other members of the Seven have united, each bringing a special magical gift to the mix. But before she is able to confront Rellik and the Tritons, Lorelei and the others must first discover how their lives and their powers will be affected by the Legend of the Seven Seas.

LORELEI MOON AND THE LEGEND OF THE SEVEN SEAS is complete at about 40,0000 words and will appeal to middle grade readers, who enjoy being transported to magical places."

And Candycane, you aren't wrong. Lorelei and frends do kick some slimy Triton tail! Haha. Thanks again, Pat

#16 Pat Megahey

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Posted 06 December 2010 - 12:30 AM

I'm starting to think that my first query was better and I should have left it alone. Any thoughts?

#17 Brendacarre

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Posted 08 December 2010 - 01:47 AM

Candycane, Thanks for all of your helpful suggestions. I think my hook (When Lorelei's parents are kidnapped by Rellik, an evil half Triton, half merman, her only hope in rescuing them is to unite with the other members of the Seven, an exclusive group of powerful merpeople.) is finally okay, but the second pragraph needs a little work. Although Nereid is a central character, I may leave her name out and just say, "On their way to find a reclusive old sea witch that they believe may hold the key to vanquishing Rellik; Lorelei's parents are abducted and brought to the Abyss, a forbidden underwater canyon littered with the bones of dead sea creatures. Using her parents as bait, Rellik has set a trap for Lorelei, in order to steal her powers. (I don't like the wording in that previous sentenece. Any suggestions? Maybe "In order to steal her powers, Rellik has set a trap for Lorelei, using her parents as bait.") Lorelei, who is one of the Seven, has the ability to manipulate water, make waves, and chage the tides. In her quest to defeat Rellik and get her parents back, Lorelei must overcome many obstacles, but soon learns that she is not alone. Faced with a common enemy, the other members of the Seven have united, each bringing a special magical gift to the mix. But before she is able to confront Rellik and the Tritons, Lorelei and the others must first discover how their lives and their powers will be affected by the Legend of the Seven Seas.

LORELEI MOON AND THE LEGEND OF THE SEVEN SEAS is complete at about 40,0000 words and will appeal to middle grade readers, who enjoy being transported to magical places."

And Candycane, you aren't wrong. Lorelei and frends do kick some slimy Triton tail! Haha. Thanks again, Pat

I definitely think you are closer to the mark here. You have come a long way since your first query, Pat and I think its pretty much ready to send this out. Let us know how it goes. ok? :biggrin:

#18 Pat Megahey

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Posted 08 December 2010 - 02:02 PM

I definitely think you are closer to the mark here. You have come a long way since your first query, Pat and I think its pretty much ready to send this out. Let us know how it goes. ok? :biggrin:



Thanks again. I'm home with a sick kid today. The stomach bug has struck my house, so with my washing machine working on overdrive, I think I'll send out a few queries. I'll let you know how it goes. Pat

#19 Pat Megahey

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Posted 10 February 2011 - 08:02 PM

I've posted my Query here before and have gotten some great advice. I've sent it out to a couple of agents, but I'm not having too much luck. Any suggestions? Thanks Pat


When Lorelei’s parents are kidnapped by Rellik, an evil half Triton, half merman, her only hope in rescuing them is to unite with the other members of the Seven, an exclusive group of powerful merpeople.

On their way to find Nereid, a reclusive old Sea Witch, Lorelei’s parents are abducted. The Moons had attempted this perilous journey with the belief that Nereid might hold the key to vanquishing Rellik. Now Mr. and Mrs. Moon are in Rellik’s clutches, and Lorelei is alone. Using her parents as bait, Rellik tries to lure Lorelei to the Abyss, a forbidden underwater canyon littered with the bones of dead sea creatures, so that he can steal her powers. Lorelei who is one of the Seven, has the ability to manipulate water, make waves, and change the tides. In her quest to defeat Rellik and get her parents back, Lorelei must overcome many obstacles, but soon learns that she is not alone. Faced with a common enemy, the other members of the Seven have united, each bringing a special magical gift to the mix. But before she is able to confront Rellik and the Tritons, Lorelei and the others must first discover how their lives and their powers will be affected by the Legend of the Seven Seas.

LORELEI MOON AND THE LEGEND OF THE SEVEN SEAS is complete at about 40,0000 words and will appeal to middle grade readers, who enjoy being transported to magical places.

#20 Brendacarre

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Posted 12 February 2011 - 07:01 PM

If you have only sent this out to a couple of agents it may not be the query. Also what kind of passes are you getting? Are they just form letters or is there some encouragement in them? Before you start revising your query you need to decide if it 's the query or if you need to try a different set of agents.




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