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First Mention Game


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#1 RSMellette

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    Billy Bobble Makes A Magic Wand, Dec. 2014 Elephant's Bookshelf Press

Posted 29 September 2014 - 05:55 PM

This is another editing game, called First Mention.

 

It's very simple.  Someone posts a word - preferably a simple word that's probably in just about everyone's manuscript.  You then do a search on that word and post a snippet of the text around that word - enough to give people an idea of the context.

 

Make sure you read and comment on each other's posts.  Sure, in some ways this is just a chance to show off your manuscript during those times when no one is reading it - but you'll be surprised how much editing you'll end up doing based on what people say.

 

When the tread slows down, feel free to jump in with a new word.

 

So - for the first word, let's go with FIRST.

 

From my forthcoming Billy Bobble Makes A Magic Wand.

 

But we weren't in the seventh grade. We were the youngest freshmen ever at Winston High. That wasn’t a big deal. We'd been the youngest kids in our class since we moved up in first grade, then again in third. Of course, this was high school, and that was a big deal. Everything was different. Some of the kids had their own cars. We had a hard time telling teachers from students, and we didn't exactly blend with the rest of our freshman class.


From Elephant's Bookshelf Press

 

51xExIpByyL._SS140_SH35_.jpg51n1zBAR2vL._SS140_SH35_.jpg

by R.S. Mellette

"WOW. That is the first word that comes to mind when I think about how I felt reading this book - WOW. I was so pleasantly surprised - oh, let's be honest, it was more like blown away!" -- Holy B. In NC, Amazon Review.


#2 Aightball

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Posted 29 September 2014 - 07:07 PM

'First' in Rescue Me (currently sprucing this up for a couple of upcoming contests):

 

 

Nurses and doctors moved in a flurry of action, beds moving, teams hurrying to their places, orders coming down to set up the trauma bays. One of our trauma surgeons ran in and headed for the elevator.

 

"First patients are rollin' in from the I-29 wreck, guys," our manager Sean shouted.

 

I immediately jumped in to help the trauma teams and met the first stretchers coming off the elevator. We ran into bay four as the lead RN shouted orders.

 

"Coby, get the 12 lead over here and get a reading."


Most girls are made of
sugar and spice and everything nice; they
screwed up the recipe for me: I'm made of
bat wings and broken things.

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Short Story "Anguish", in Winter's Regret: http://www.amazon.co...winter's regret

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#3 Darke

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Posted 29 September 2014 - 07:40 PM

This is from my sci-fi story GUARDIANS.

 

Kreeya Frey. He hadn’t thought about her in years. She was beautiful then; with eyes that always looked at him with admiration. It was easy to love someone you admired. She was in awe of his abilities, but knew how it tormented his life. She was loyal and supportive. Always the first one to side with him on anything. Especially when it came to the Guild. Maybe that was the problem? She was too enamoured with him to see the truth. Maybe if she’d stood up to him and told him he was dangerous, like the Guild Elders, his life would be different. Maybe the destruction of Nobey Glades wouldn’t have happened.


~I am neither an author nor a writer; I am a storyteller with good grammar.~

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#4 Michael Steven

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Posted 30 September 2014 - 02:36 PM

The follow on book to Accusations and Innocence, this is the first two paragraphs of chapter 1. Yeah, I know, but I like "fade-in introductions". It's my writing style :cool:

FIRST

Mountain's Teeth
 

Fresh, warm breezes wafted along the avenues of Havan'Lis, accompanied by morning's first filtered glow. Vhivi breathed deep as she sauntered along toward her rendezvous at Silver Creek overlook.

Until the previous evening, the last day of the Spring Leaf Festival, the Elven Council had suspected her and her friends of illicit or even treacherous behavior. The very thought of their accusations blemished the morning, but only for a moment. Eldarin Councilor Faulkinar had sided with the elfins, and convinced the rest of the Council of their innocence.


Let there be light on this planet ... And let it shine through me
Let there be travellers who venture ... Far from the beaten path
And let one of them be me - Jefferson Starship - Champion (unused lyrics)

#5 Lanette Kauten

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Posted 06 October 2014 - 03:26 PM

I know we're supposed to make comments about each others' lines, but I liked them all, especially Darke's.

 

 

Here's mine:

 

The first thing I noticed when I had met Moonrock Nick was his tangled mess of curly, blond hair. The second thing was underneath the ravages of fifteen years of continuous drug usage, he had the warm, chiseled features of a seraphim. If it wasn’t for drugs, Nick’s beauty would have been painful for mortal eyes. As it was, the shame of his loss was painful for me to see.



#6 RSMellette

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    Billy Bobble Makes A Magic Wand, Dec. 2014 Elephant's Bookshelf Press

Posted 06 October 2014 - 08:06 PM

Aightball I noticed a couple of things. First "in a flurry of action" sounded redundant when I first read it... then it didn't sound in character. "Flurry" gave me a sense of unfocused which isn't what you want I'm sure.

"Beds moved." Really? All by themselves?

From Elephant's Bookshelf Press

 

51xExIpByyL._SS140_SH35_.jpg51n1zBAR2vL._SS140_SH35_.jpg

by R.S. Mellette

"WOW. That is the first word that comes to mind when I think about how I felt reading this book - WOW. I was so pleasantly surprised - oh, let's be honest, it was more like blown away!" -- Holy B. In NC, Amazon Review.


#7 Aightball

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Posted 06 October 2014 - 09:32 PM

Aightball I noticed a couple of things. First "in a flurry of action" sounded redundant when I first read it... then it didn't sound in character. "Flurry" gave me a sense of unfocused which isn't what you want I'm sure.

"Beds moved." Really? All by themselves?

 

 

Good point...everyone is very focused in this scene, of course. I'll find a better way to explain that. And I'll take care of the paranormal beds, too, lol! Thanks for the insights!


Most girls are made of
sugar and spice and everything nice; they
screwed up the recipe for me: I'm made of
bat wings and broken things.

Query: http://agentquerycon...3-love-and-war/

Blog: http://aightball.wordpress.com

Synopsis:

Twitter Hook(s):

Short Story "Anguish", in Winter's Regret: http://www.amazon.co...winter's regret

aertja.jpg


#8 RC Lewis

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Posted 06 October 2014 - 10:00 PM

RS hit what I would've said.

 

On Darke's I could nitpick—switch the semicolon for a comma. :wink: I also felt like there was a lot of "she" in the passage, but feel free to disregard, because I have Monday-school-brain and can't be trusted.

 

Further nitpick for Lanette: "The first thing I noticed when I had met Moonrock Nick..." tripped me up a little. Maybe try the "had" before "noticed" instead? (Or make it "I'd noticed" and drop the "had" before "met.")

 

Here's mine from next year's book:

 

On and on they go. The first year Anton presented at the Reveal, then the triplets. Marek, Ciro, and Emil were only ten, so tiny next to the other technologists and already dubbing themselves the Jantzen Triad. That was the first year after Mom and Dad’s accident. The year everything changed.
 
I watch more years, more Tech Reveals with all my brothers presenting inventions and innovations and upgrades. The narrative changes, though, becoming less about the technology, more about my brothers themselves.
 
More about me.

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   Stitching Snow        Spinning Starlight
     October 2014                October 6, 2015
       Hyperion                        Hyperion


#9 Michael Steven

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Posted 07 October 2014 - 01:24 AM

RSMellette — you set up an interesting paragraph, but it's rather passive and something of an info dump.  That could be a good thing, and it could be in need of buffing up.  It all depends on what's around it, but I did like feel of it.
 
Aightball — I don't think "flurry" is an incorrect word.  Sometimes well organized teams look like they're in a flurry when they're simply working fast.  What I did notice, though was quite a bit of repetition.  Moved and moving.  Trauma several times.  Plus the alliteration of "flurry" and "hurry".  You did capture the sense of a rush, though.
 
Darke — Same thing as with RSMellette's, rather passive and something of an info dump.  Maybe good, maybe not.  The segment "... told him he was dangerous, like the Guild Elders, ..." made me stop.  I had to read it again.  This can be read as either "as dangerous as the Guild Elders" or "the Guild Elders always told him he was dangerous."  Not entirely sure which you meant.
 
Lanette Kauten — Interesting snippet.  A little passive, although "to be conjugations" jump out and bite me, even when I use them in my own writing.  I had to look up "seraphim."  Plural of "seraph" or a celestial being of the highest order.  Not sure "a seraphim" doesn't mix a singular with a plural.
 
RC Lewis — Interesting.  This looks like a segue so I'm not sure what to think.  I'm guessing you intentionally made it vague, like a recap of a previous book.
 
Michael Steven — I don't know if anyone noticed, but my second paragraph was a brief summary of the main story arc from the previous book.  In fact, I used the words "accusation" and "innocence" although for the life of me I can't remember if that was intentional or not.  Accusations and Innocence is the title of the previous book.


Let there be light on this planet ... And let it shine through me
Let there be travellers who venture ... Far from the beaten path
And let one of them be me - Jefferson Starship - Champion (unused lyrics)

#10 Michael Steven

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Posted 07 October 2014 - 01:32 AM

I had a whole list of words saved up, but RSMellette thumped me on the head.  Seems he wants us to use common words.  Oh, all right ... sir.  I have a new one :cool: This has only been lightly edited, but don't let that hold you back (as if THAT would happen).
 
LAZY
 
Mountain's Teeth
 

A feeling of unease stole over Vhivi as she walked endlessly over barren ground that was open to any and all who cared to look. She had been walking seemingly for days. Tens of days. She could not remember a time when she had not been walking. To a time when her biggest care was what to have for breakfast before she went off to spend the day lounging by a lazy stream. The feeling of unease jangled her nerves more insistently so she stopped to look around at what could be causing it. She was standing on the outcropping of rock on the shoulder of Sentinel Peak and it suddenly occurred to her that she was having a waking dream. That fact puzzled her tremendously since she could never recall having woken to a waking dream. She had always had them before when she was drifting off to sleep.


Let there be light on this planet ... And let it shine through me
Let there be travellers who venture ... Far from the beaten path
And let one of them be me - Jefferson Starship - Champion (unused lyrics)

#11 Darke

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Posted 07 October 2014 - 05:59 AM

 

RS hit what I would've said.

 

On Darke's I could nitpick—switch the semicolon for a comma. :wink: I also felt like there was a lot of "she" in the passage, but feel free to disregard, because I have Monday-school-brain and can't be trusted.

 

Oh, yeah, I never know how to use those things. I should just place a comma anytime I get the urge to use one.  :tongue:

 

Re-reading, the whole paragraph needs to be re-written. There are a few awkward 'had' in there too. 


~I am neither an author nor a writer; I am a storyteller with good grammar.~

darkes_cover_4_sparkletn.jpg Book2TN.jpg darkescovenwtTN.jpg demonthumbnail.jpg 4311642f-9dfa-4c08-ac6d-a6979476c6ce.jpg

 

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#12 Darke

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Posted 07 October 2014 - 06:11 AM

I know we're supposed to make comments about each others' lines, but I liked them all, especially Darke's.

 

 

Here's mine:

 

The first thing I noticed when I had met Moonrock Nick was his tangled mess of curly, blond hair. The second thing was underneath the ravages of fifteen years of continuous drug usage, he had the warm, chiseled features of a seraphim. If it wasn’t for drugs, Nick’s beauty would have been painful for mortal eyes. As it was, the shame of his loss was painful for me to see.

I like your physical description. So many authors just name off a grocery list of how their character looks.  


~I am neither an author nor a writer; I am a storyteller with good grammar.~

darkes_cover_4_sparkletn.jpg Book2TN.jpg darkescovenwtTN.jpg demonthumbnail.jpg 4311642f-9dfa-4c08-ac6d-a6979476c6ce.jpg

 

 3e1a6d8e-6529-475b-b08d-34d575e93531.jpg


#13 Lanette Kauten

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Posted 08 October 2014 - 08:25 AM

Thanks, RC and Michael. I made the changes, and it reads smoother. Thank you, Darke.



#14 RSMellette

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    Billy Bobble Makes A Magic Wand, Dec. 2014 Elephant's Bookshelf Press

Posted 12 March 2015 - 09:23 AM

Okay, time for a new word.  Since we're coming up on Pi day, how about PIE. If not that, cake. If not that, any dessert.

 

From the first draft of Billy Bobble And The Witch Hunt, I had to settle for "pop tart"

 

Billy washed down his chocolate pop tart and peanut butter with a swig of milk.  "I have to see the psychiatrist once a week until she says otherwise."  In truth, his talks with Suzy in her pristine basement biology lab were probably his best therapy.  A real best friend beats a hired one every time.


From Elephant's Bookshelf Press

 

51xExIpByyL._SS140_SH35_.jpg51n1zBAR2vL._SS140_SH35_.jpg

by R.S. Mellette

"WOW. That is the first word that comes to mind when I think about how I felt reading this book - WOW. I was so pleasantly surprised - oh, let's be honest, it was more like blown away!" -- Holy B. In NC, Amazon Review.


#15 Ireth

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Posted 12 March 2015 - 09:42 AM

From chapter one of WINTER'S QUEEN:

 

"Ariel bit the arm off a gingerbread zombie and leaned against the snack table as she chewed."


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#16 Aightball

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Posted 12 March 2015 - 01:33 PM

Background: Jimmy is on psych and Jacoby is visiting him for the first time since he was admitted.

 

"Cake" From Rescue Me:

 

I slowly approached Jimmy's room, wondering if he was allowed out of restraints yet. Dr. Mathias had breezed through the ER yesterday, on his way to an appointment; all he'd said was he and Jimmy had "talked" and that I could see him for half an hour on my next day off. I decided to bring Jimmy food from home. Part of me didn’t even want to see him for all the hurt he'd caused me; the other part was ashamed at those thoughts.

 

Shaking my head, I hit the elevator up button and waited. I had our lunch: ham sandwiches and chocolate cake. My mother made chocolate cake to die for, so I figured he'd at least eat that.


Most girls are made of
sugar and spice and everything nice; they
screwed up the recipe for me: I'm made of
bat wings and broken things.

Query: http://agentquerycon...3-love-and-war/

Blog: http://aightball.wordpress.com

Synopsis:

Twitter Hook(s):

Short Story "Anguish", in Winter's Regret: http://www.amazon.co...winter's regret

aertja.jpg


#17 RSMellette

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    Billy Bobble Makes A Magic Wand, Dec. 2014 Elephant's Bookshelf Press

Posted 12 March 2015 - 02:53 PM

Hey, Aight.

 

Did you mean the play on words of cake "to die for" in a hospital visiting someone that's caused pain?  Don't get me wrong, I like it. Just wondering if it was on purpose. :)


From Elephant's Bookshelf Press

 

51xExIpByyL._SS140_SH35_.jpg51n1zBAR2vL._SS140_SH35_.jpg

by R.S. Mellette

"WOW. That is the first word that comes to mind when I think about how I felt reading this book - WOW. I was so pleasantly surprised - oh, let's be honest, it was more like blown away!" -- Holy B. In NC, Amazon Review.


#18 Aightball

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Posted 12 March 2015 - 10:52 PM

Hey, Aight.

 

Did you mean the play on words of cake "to die for" in a hospital visiting someone that's caused pain?  Don't get me wrong, I like it. Just wondering if it was on purpose. :)

 

*laughs* Kind of, yes =). Glad you like it =)


Most girls are made of
sugar and spice and everything nice; they
screwed up the recipe for me: I'm made of
bat wings and broken things.

Query: http://agentquerycon...3-love-and-war/

Blog: http://aightball.wordpress.com

Synopsis:

Twitter Hook(s):

Short Story "Anguish", in Winter's Regret: http://www.amazon.co...winter's regret

aertja.jpg


#19 Lanette Kauten

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Posted 13 July 2015 - 11:29 AM

Ya'll stopped playing. Let's get this going again. Looks like the last word was pie or cake.

 

"Cake" from CASSIA:

 

While Hannah slept, Jenny busied herself in the kitchen by pouring coffee and slicing up a freshly baked cake. I started to tell her a deadline prevented me from staying too long, but knowing she had gone to the trouble of making sure there were treats for her visitors, I stayed longer than I would have liked and chatted with the focus of my envy.



#20 RSMellette

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    Billy Bobble Makes A Magic Wand, Dec. 2014 Elephant's Bookshelf Press

Posted 13 July 2015 - 11:22 PM

Thanks for the bump. I think we need a new word. Since this is the return of the game... how about "Return"?

 

This is from Billy Bobble and the Witch Hunt - which I'm re-writing even as you read this. In fact, I just put this in the other day.

 

"I'd like to welcome our new freshman class." He paused for the polite applause of from the top of the balcony. "And, our returning sophomores."

 

An explosion of cheers from Billy, Suzy, and the rest of their class taught the freshman how they are supposed to react. During this eruption, Billy and Suzy couldn't help but jump up and down together with excitement. They were not only cheering for their class, but for the start of their favorite thing in the world, school.

 

(Does "class" echo too much?)


From Elephant's Bookshelf Press

 

51xExIpByyL._SS140_SH35_.jpg51n1zBAR2vL._SS140_SH35_.jpg

by R.S. Mellette

"WOW. That is the first word that comes to mind when I think about how I felt reading this book - WOW. I was so pleasantly surprised - oh, let's be honest, it was more like blown away!" -- Holy B. In NC, Amazon Review.





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