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#21 MZM

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Posted 14 July 2015 - 12:10 AM


 

(Does "class" echo too much?)

 

Objectively, perhaps, but you know, while I was reading I didn't even realize it had been repeated three times, haha.

 

Maria M.



#22 Lanette Kauten

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Posted 14 July 2015 - 08:44 AM

Thanks for the bump. I think we need a new word. Since this is the return of the game... how about "Return"?

 

This is from Billy Bobble and the Witch Hunt - which I'm re-writing even as you read this. In fact, I just put this in the other day.

 

"I'd like to welcome our new freshman class." He paused for the polite applause of from the top of the balcony. "And, our returning sophomores."

 

An explosion of cheers from Billy, Suzy, and the rest of their class taught the freshman how they are supposed to react. During this eruption, Billy and Suzy couldn't help but jump up and down together with excitement. They were not only cheering for their class, but for the start of their favorite thing in the world, school.

 

(Does "class" echo too much?)

 

Maybe you can leave off "and the rest of their class." Billy and Suzy are geniuses and I'm guessing a little socially awkward. I don't think high school freshmen need to be taught to show excitement, but by singling out Billy and Suzy, you're showing that they're a little different from the rest of their class.



#23 Lanette Kauten

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Posted 14 July 2015 - 08:46 AM

"Return" from CASSIA:

 

When we returned, balancing bags of groceries in each of our arms, Rodney was hosting a religious discussion with a few college students. With his long hair, the edge-of-the-seat way he spoke to the students, and the rapt attention they gave him, he looked like a guru among his disciples.



#24 RSMellette

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    Billy Bobble Makes A Magic Wand, Dec. 2014 Elephant's Bookshelf Press

Posted 14 July 2015 - 10:18 PM

"Return" from CASSIA:

 

When we returned, balancing bags of groceries in each of our arms, Rodney was hosting a religious discussion with a few college students. With his long hair, the edge-of-the-seat way he spoke to the students, and the rapt attention they gave him, he looked like a guru among his disciples.

 

This is good, but chewy. I think it could clean up...  Here's a bad attempt. :)

 

We returned with the groceries to find Rodney hosting a religious discussion with some college students. With his long hair, edge-of-the-seat oratory style, and rapt attention from the students, he looked like a guru about to pass out the cool-aid.

 

(Okay, so the cool-aid line wasn't in the same style at all... but I couldn't resist).


From Elephant's Bookshelf Press

 

51xExIpByyL._SS140_SH35_.jpg51n1zBAR2vL._SS140_SH35_.jpg

by R.S. Mellette

"WOW. That is the first word that comes to mind when I think about how I felt reading this book - WOW. I was so pleasantly surprised - oh, let's be honest, it was more like blown away!" -- Holy B. In NC, Amazon Review.


#25 Lanette Kauten

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Posted 15 July 2015 - 10:38 AM

I love the kool-aide line. I'll suggest the change to my editor.



#26 VitaCoco

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Posted 13 August 2015 - 02:05 PM

Jumping into this game with "Return"  :biggrin:

 

 

 

Coleton smiled. When I didn’t return it, his lips set in a hard line. “Your mom’s not coming, is she? I know I’m pushing you on this, but you don’t have to lie to me.”

"You can't stay in your corner of the forest waiting for others to come to you. You have to go to them sometimes" (Pooh).


#27 DancesWithWords

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Posted 13 August 2015 - 11:01 PM

This is the first mention of "return" in my WIP, WARRIOR SON:

 

“Compel your son to behave properly and put the musket down,” I said. But Vandersteeg stood with his arms crossed, smiling as if he expected this.

“I’ll thank you to return my goods and leave my home now,” he said.

I cleared my throat so my voice would sound calm. “My men will burn your barn should they hear any gunfire.”



#28 RSMellette

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    Billy Bobble Makes A Magic Wand, Dec. 2014 Elephant's Bookshelf Press

Posted 14 August 2015 - 12:51 AM

Nice nick, Dances With Words. :)


From Elephant's Bookshelf Press

 

51xExIpByyL._SS140_SH35_.jpg51n1zBAR2vL._SS140_SH35_.jpg

by R.S. Mellette

"WOW. That is the first word that comes to mind when I think about how I felt reading this book - WOW. I was so pleasantly surprised - oh, let's be honest, it was more like blown away!" -- Holy B. In NC, Amazon Review.


#29 DancesWithWords

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Posted 14 August 2015 - 11:31 AM

Thanks, R.S.!



#30 Lanette Kauten

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Posted 14 August 2015 - 05:09 PM

Return from my current WIP:

 

 

Brian greeted me the day I moved in next to him, and we have since spoken at least a few words to each other every day. He mowed my lawn when my old one broke and I was two paychecks from affording a new one. He jumped my car twice. The second time, he joked about being jumped in return. I thanked him kissed him on the cheek. I couldn’t deny his sweetness or his sex appeal, but I could deny him. I liked having him next door to me but not in my bed.



#31 MZM

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Posted 14 August 2015 - 11:29 PM

Return from fantasy WiP:

 

She chanced a glance at Urehd's face; he was still in good humor. She had expected a small reprimand even if it hadn't been her fault—the big ones he let Alysis's sister give. He pointed toward the center of the clearing with his chin and returned to his fish skins.

 

Maria



#32 S.H. Marr

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Posted 14 August 2015 - 11:53 PM

Return from my current MS is on the first page: Mason’s smile tightened, and any distant urge to return it died from my lips.



#33 RSMellette

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    Billy Bobble Makes A Magic Wand, Dec. 2014 Elephant's Bookshelf Press

Posted 16 August 2015 - 10:41 AM

Lanette the way you have it written your lawn broke down not your unmentioned lawn mower.

From Elephant's Bookshelf Press

 

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by R.S. Mellette

"WOW. That is the first word that comes to mind when I think about how I felt reading this book - WOW. I was so pleasantly surprised - oh, let's be honest, it was more like blown away!" -- Holy B. In NC, Amazon Review.


#34 Ann Robertson

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Posted 17 August 2015 - 11:26 AM

"Return" from my middle grade fantasy - 

 

“I can, but what will I have in return?”

 

 

“I believe your freedom and your home should be enough for payment for your indiscretion this time.”

 

Matissa looked at Merecite with slight disgust for a moment before she smiled coyly at him. She then leapt into the water and vanished under one of the banks.


Luck is where Preparation meets Opportunity. :biggrin:


#35 RSMellette

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Posted 17 August 2015 - 11:50 AM

I've been writing screenplays too long. The software pops up the character name as you type it, so it's always easier to have characters with different first letters in their names, so I bump a little when I see that happen in other stories... which is all me, not a criticism at all.

 

Let's go with a new word.  How about "cut" 

 

From "Billy Bobble And The Witch Hunt" 2 Draft (due out in Dec. from Elephant Bookshelf Press).

 

General Quinofski snapped, which was out of character for him. He had been patient while they filled him in on the new textbooks, but when they started talking about plans of action, he cut them off. "I'd love to help, but I'm up to my ears in a new Senate investigation."

 

"But—" started Suzy.

 

"Take it up with your mother. She has more pull in the schools anyway."


From Elephant's Bookshelf Press

 

51xExIpByyL._SS140_SH35_.jpg51n1zBAR2vL._SS140_SH35_.jpg

by R.S. Mellette

"WOW. That is the first word that comes to mind when I think about how I felt reading this book - WOW. I was so pleasantly surprised - oh, let's be honest, it was more like blown away!" -- Holy B. In NC, Amazon Review.


#36 S.H. Marr

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Posted 17 August 2015 - 12:13 PM

From the same MS, the first instance of cut is, "I’d rather have my head cut open."



#37 RSMellette

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Posted 17 August 2015 - 12:16 PM

Great line - SH. 

 

FYI - in this game, feel free to put in a graph or two around the word. It can be more fun that way.


From Elephant's Bookshelf Press

 

51xExIpByyL._SS140_SH35_.jpg51n1zBAR2vL._SS140_SH35_.jpg

by R.S. Mellette

"WOW. That is the first word that comes to mind when I think about how I felt reading this book - WOW. I was so pleasantly surprised - oh, let's be honest, it was more like blown away!" -- Holy B. In NC, Amazon Review.


#38 Ann Robertson

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Posted 19 August 2015 - 12:03 PM

"Cut" from my middle grade fantasy:

 

Steve released a heavy sigh and continued, “Well, nothing from either of you? Tyler, I called your mom already this morning, she'll be expecting you tonight. As for you, young man,” pointing his finger directly at Jace, “third time's a charm - stealing, fighting, and now sneaking a BB gun up here - kiss your freedom goodbye, because it looks like its St. Pats for you. For now, get breakfast, and then head outside. I want you to pick up all the wood I cut this morning, and stack it next to the mudroom. I'll come up with something else for you to do later.”


Luck is where Preparation meets Opportunity. :biggrin:


#39 Michael Steven

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Posted 19 August 2015 - 02:36 PM

"I'd like to welcome our new freshman class." He paused for the polite applause of from the top of the balcony. "And, our returning sophomores."

An explosion of cheers from Billy, Suzy, and the rest of their class taught the freshman how they are supposed to react. During this eruption, Billy and Suzy couldn't help but jump up and down together with excitement. They were not only cheering for their class, but for the start of their favorite thing in the world, school.

(Does "class" echo too much?)


A little, but it fits. Leaving it out or finding synonyms might make it read funny or wordy. I noticed you mixed tense several times in the second paragraph which makes it a little tough to read.


Let there be light on this planet ... And let it shine through me
Let there be travellers who venture ... Far from the beaten path
And let one of them be me - Jefferson Starship - Champion (unused lyrics)

#40 Michael Steven

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Posted 19 August 2015 - 02:53 PM

Steve released a heavy sigh. and continued, “Well, nothing from either of you? Tyler, I called your mom already this morning, she'll be expecting you tonight. As for you, young man,” pointing his finger directly at Jace, “third time's a charm - stealing, fighting, and now sneaking a BB gun up here - kiss your freedom goodbye, because it looks like its St. Pats for you. For now, get breakfast, and then head outside. I want you to pick up all the wood I cut this morning, and stack it next to the mudroom. I'll come up with something else for you to do later.”


The dialog is a little wordy, and I'm not a fan of insinuating beats into the dialog with commas. Drop the weak -ing verb and make it a full beat. Example: "...man." He jabbed his finger at Jace. "Third ..."


Let there be light on this planet ... And let it shine through me
Let there be travellers who venture ... Far from the beaten path
And let one of them be me - Jefferson Starship - Champion (unused lyrics)




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