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#41 Michael Steven

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Posted 19 August 2015 - 03:02 PM

This excerpt has both "return" and "cut" in it.

Mountain's Teeth - First Edit
 

Vhivi glared at Calevaar for a moment, and shifted her regard to Ravana. "Fine. But I'm not the one who cheated at the tournament." She returned her scowl to Calevaar. "The way he said it made it sound like I was at fault, not the victim."

"The way I said it?" Calevaar said. "Do you hear yourself?"

Ravana grabbed Calevaar's arm. "Just a second, let me——"

"No." Calevaar shrugged out of Ravana's grasp. "Listen here, elfin. You were there. You know how the Councilor who questioned you directed things. You know how he cut me off."

"I don't know any such thing," Vhivi said.

"You should," Calevaar said. "But even if you don't, you should know that it was me and my team who helped Vardon scour the area where you and your friends were accosted. I spent long days, and many long nights to help the Council arrive at the final decision they gave just yesterday.

"So what I said at the first hearing wasn't to your liking? Tiny sparks. Given the same situation I would have given the same report. I would prefer to keep your good graces, Vhee, but your ire is just a minor burden for doing what had to be done."


Let there be light on this planet ... And let it shine through me
Let there be travellers who venture ... Far from the beaten path
And let one of them be me - Jefferson Starship - Champion (unused lyrics)

#42 Lanette Kauten

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Posted 21 August 2015 - 08:16 PM

Lanette the way you have it written your lawn broke down not your unmentioned lawn mower.

 

LOL! That's why it's a first draft. Thanks for the catch.



#43 Lanette Kauten

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Posted 21 August 2015 - 08:27 PM

The word "cut" hasn't shown up in my WIP, yet, so this one's from CASSIA: (Language warning)

 

I had expressed my objection, but nothing prepared me for the sight of seeing her rock back and forth over a strange man as he thrust upward in the simulated act. He yanked on her hair, and she squealed in delight as the scene progressed, both of them becoming more aggressive. I fought the urge to yank her out of that bed while also fighting the thoughts of joining them, minus the cameras.

 

“Cut!”

 

Cassia laid her head on the actor’s massive chest and batted her eyes. “I don’t think we did that quite right. Can we have another take?”

 

“Fuck him on your own time. Takes are expensive,” the director said.



#44 RSMellette

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    Billy Bobble Makes A Magic Wand, Dec. 2014 Elephant's Bookshelf Press

Posted 17 November 2015 - 07:18 PM

Let's do "waiting"

 

From BILLY BOBBLE AND THE WITCH HUNT - coming in March.

 

"I remember going to bed last night," said Billy. For some reason his recollection of the past 24 hours was like a jigsaw puzzle with some pieces missing. "I remember getting up this morning. I remember the police bandaging my head and the nurse at Oakridge saying that I might have a concussion. Then the ambulance, waiting around here a lot, and now I'm talking to you."


From Elephant's Bookshelf Press

 

51xExIpByyL._SS140_SH35_.jpg51n1zBAR2vL._SS140_SH35_.jpg

by R.S. Mellette

"WOW. That is the first word that comes to mind when I think about how I felt reading this book - WOW. I was so pleasantly surprised - oh, let's be honest, it was more like blown away!" -- Holy B. In NC, Amazon Review.


#45 Spaulding

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Posted 18 November 2015 - 12:16 AM

Let's do "waiting"

 

From BILLY BOBBLE AND THE WITCH HUNT - coming in March.

 

"I remember going to bed last night," said Billy. For some reason his recollection of the past 24 hours was like a jigsaw puzzle with some pieces missing. "I remember getting up this morning. I remember the police bandaging my head and the nurse at Oakridge saying that I might have a concussion. Then the ambulance, waiting around here a lot, and now I'm talking to you."

Can you tighten the beat a bit? 

 

For some reason hHis recollection of the past 24 hours was like a jigsaw puzzle with some pieces missing.

 

(Might be a purpose for the longer version, so don't mind me if that's the casualness of the narrator.)

 

 

Describing frightened new stuffed animals joining the community.

 

The new stuffies with them stumbled past, glanced back, and then joined the other new ones like inmates waiting for instructions.


If I helped you, please critique my query -- The Comfort Ban.

Or the synopsis. (If you're in a particularly cheery mood, I'll accept a crit for both. Better yet, if you're in a foul mood, take it out on both.  :wink: )


#46 RSMellette

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    Billy Bobble Makes A Magic Wand, Dec. 2014 Elephant's Bookshelf Press

Posted 18 November 2015 - 09:53 PM

Nice edits. I don't know if I'll use them but well done.

Thanks!

From Elephant's Bookshelf Press

 

51xExIpByyL._SS140_SH35_.jpg51n1zBAR2vL._SS140_SH35_.jpg

by R.S. Mellette

"WOW. That is the first word that comes to mind when I think about how I felt reading this book - WOW. I was so pleasantly surprised - oh, let's be honest, it was more like blown away!" -- Holy B. In NC, Amazon Review.


#47 RSMellette

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    Billy Bobble Makes A Magic Wand, Dec. 2014 Elephant's Bookshelf Press

Posted 21 November 2015 - 10:08 PM

I decided to keep it as is, and here's why:

 

"For some reason..." the reader knows the reason, but Billy doesn't - so keeping that in reminds them they know something the hero doesn't, and that builds tension by a tiny notch.

 

The "like" ... still debating that one. His memory isn't literally a jigsaw puzzle, and given this book is about magic, it could be.

 

"Some" yeah... that could go.

 

Normally, I couldn't care less about the little things. I like to say I write in water color, not oils. But, eventually, every word must be considered - even if briefly.


From Elephant's Bookshelf Press

 

51xExIpByyL._SS140_SH35_.jpg51n1zBAR2vL._SS140_SH35_.jpg

by R.S. Mellette

"WOW. That is the first word that comes to mind when I think about how I felt reading this book - WOW. I was so pleasantly surprised - oh, let's be honest, it was more like blown away!" -- Holy B. In NC, Amazon Review.


#48 Lanette Kauten

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Posted 01 December 2015 - 10:39 PM

My WIP doesn't have waiting, so here's wait from THE GAME OF ART:

 

“No thanks. I haven’t had a steady girlfriend in two years, and I don’t think-” I started to say I didn’t think she’d want a fuck buddy to tag along, but I restrained the words before they escaped.

“Just you then. I’ll set up the arrangements and call you. Oh, wait. I don’t have your phone number.”

“Leave a message with my parents.” I had to leave before unleashing my anger on her, yet I agreed to make plans for a later date. Only Gina could scramble my emotions and decisions like this. If I didn’t love her so much, I’d hate her for doing this to me. Unfortunately for Susan, I had no qualms about hating her.



#49 Spaulding

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Posted 02 December 2015 - 09:55 AM

My WIP doesn't have waiting, so here's wait from THE GAME OF ART:

 

“No thanks. I haven’t had a steady girlfriend in two years, and I don’t think-” I started to say I didn’t think she’d want a fuck buddy to tag along, but I restrained the words before they escaped.

“Just you then. I’ll set up the arrangements and call you. Oh, wait. I don’t have your phone number.”

“Leave a message with my parents.” I had to leave before unleashing my anger on her, yet I agreed to make plans for a later date. Only Gina could scramble my emotions and decisions like this. If I didn’t love her so much, I’d hate her for doing this to me. Unfortunately for Susan, I had no qualms about hating her.

Ack! I'm 59 years old and was shocked at "fuck buddy." Do you think I've been reading and writing MG too long? lol


If I helped you, please critique my query -- The Comfort Ban.

Or the synopsis. (If you're in a particularly cheery mood, I'll accept a crit for both. Better yet, if you're in a foul mood, take it out on both.  :wink: )


#50 Lanette Kauten

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Posted 02 December 2015 - 01:56 PM

Of all the characters I've ever written, Cassia's the only one who talks like that. She's my antagonist in a novel I wrote two years ago, and based on feedback from my crit partners, I decided to write another novel with her as the protag. At first I questioned the sanity in doing that because what makes for a fun antagonist is not necessarily someone the readers would want to spend 80,000 words with while being inside her head. But she's complicated and her thoughts don't always match her words and actions, plus she selects her personality based on who she's around, so I decided to go for it.

 

But yeah, her language can be quite shocking.



#51 RSMellette

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    Billy Bobble Makes A Magic Wand, Dec. 2014 Elephant's Bookshelf Press

Posted 08 January 2016 - 10:20 PM

It's a new year, so let's go with either NEW or YEAR.

 

From BILLY BOBBLE AND THE WITCH HUNT - New

 

"And we have new textbooks," said Dillon, "but I will let your teachers introduce those during each class."

 

"I told you so," said Suzy under breath. "There goes your homework profit margin."

 

Billy whispered back, "Don't be stupid. I do math and high school physics. How much can that change?"

 

"Yeah, that's true," said Suzy. "Shouldn't bother me too much, either. I mean, Biology is probably safe, right?"

 

V

 

"Intelligent design!?"

 

Suzy was livid when she saw the chapter heading in her new biology textbook. She was on her feet protesting before the books were all handed out. "You're friggin' kidding me!"

 

"Suzy!" said Mr. Connors. From the level of his shock, Suzy realized she must not have said, "Friggin'."


From Elephant's Bookshelf Press

 

51xExIpByyL._SS140_SH35_.jpg51n1zBAR2vL._SS140_SH35_.jpg

by R.S. Mellette

"WOW. That is the first word that comes to mind when I think about how I felt reading this book - WOW. I was so pleasantly surprised - oh, let's be honest, it was more like blown away!" -- Holy B. In NC, Amazon Review.


#52 Ireth

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Posted 08 January 2016 - 10:29 PM

Here's YEAR, in Winter's Queen:

 

Her dad’s grin only widened.  "True, true.  You should have asked the twins to dress up as Flynn and Mother Gothel for you."

 

Ariel shook her head, grinning in reminiscence as she reached for her eyeliner.  "They wouldn't.  Remember last year when I was Sleeping Beauty?  They decided to be Flora and Merryweather instead, and followed me around all night, poking me with their wands and saying, ‘Pink!’  ‘Blue!’  ‘Pink!’  ‘Blue!’"


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#53 clpolk

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Posted 14 February 2016 - 12:38 PM

for "New"

 

Nick's aura was green like new spring leaves. A stranger with a witches' aura, dying on my table?

This was a disaster.

 

how about "Love?"



#54 RSMellette

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    Billy Bobble Makes A Magic Wand, Dec. 2014 Elephant's Bookshelf Press

Posted 03 March 2016 - 01:05 PM

Here you go... "Love" from BILLY BOBBLE AND THE WITCH HUNT

 

The mountain rushed beside him. Below, razor-sharp shards of rock promised a painful death if Billy didn't learn to fly in the next few milliseconds. He spread his arms, caught the breeze, and lifted his head to take flight just in time to pull up and away from the ground below.

 

While Suzy flew high above the mountain, Billy liked to stay close to the surface to feel his awesome speed. "I love this!"

 

"I know," said Suzy. "There is nothing better in the world than flying. I don't know why we don't go to school this way."


From Elephant's Bookshelf Press

 

51xExIpByyL._SS140_SH35_.jpg51n1zBAR2vL._SS140_SH35_.jpg

by R.S. Mellette

"WOW. That is the first word that comes to mind when I think about how I felt reading this book - WOW. I was so pleasantly surprised - oh, let's be honest, it was more like blown away!" -- Holy B. In NC, Amazon Review.


#55 speedchuck

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Posted 18 March 2016 - 09:23 AM

"Love", from THERE IS NO GOD (working title)

 

Isaac wondered briefly if they were edible, but then pushed the thoughts out of his mind. Indulging in food would lead to desire for more, and the only other meat source on the planet was human. Isaac didn't love people, but the thought of eating them disturbed him.



#56 RSMellette

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    Billy Bobble Makes A Magic Wand, Dec. 2014 Elephant's Bookshelf Press

Posted 16 April 2018 - 01:50 PM

This thread could use a bump... so, what's your first use of the word "bump"? ... synonyms apply.

 

From my current WIP:

 

Spinning, flipping, booster rockets on and off, bouncing, bumping, all in zero G. I felt like a kid's kickball. "Can.. we... turn the... gravity on?" I squeaked out between life-threatening impacts. 

"Not around these missiles, we'd ... wait. Good idea. Lako, one G." 

That felt better. I was still getting tossed around, but at least I had a point of reference.


From Elephant's Bookshelf Press

 

51xExIpByyL._SS140_SH35_.jpg51n1zBAR2vL._SS140_SH35_.jpg

by R.S. Mellette

"WOW. That is the first word that comes to mind when I think about how I felt reading this book - WOW. I was so pleasantly surprised - oh, let's be honest, it was more like blown away!" -- Holy B. In NC, Amazon Review.


#57 DisgruntledWriter

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Posted 16 April 2018 - 02:00 PM

Only one instance of "bump" in my whole story: He saw her hands go to her belly, uneasily rubbing at the tiny bump growing there.

 

However, a find a search showed me I use the sentence "His skin erupted in gooseBUMPs" six times... yikes! Time for some edits!



#58 RSMellette

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    Billy Bobble Makes A Magic Wand, Dec. 2014 Elephant's Bookshelf Press

Posted 16 April 2018 - 02:04 PM

Only one instance of "bump" in my whole story: He saw her hands go to her belly, uneasily rubbing at the tiny bump growing there.

 

However, a find a search showed me I use the sentence "His skin erupted in gooseBUMPs" six times... yikes! Time for some edits!

 

Nice catch.


From Elephant's Bookshelf Press

 

51xExIpByyL._SS140_SH35_.jpg51n1zBAR2vL._SS140_SH35_.jpg

by R.S. Mellette

"WOW. That is the first word that comes to mind when I think about how I felt reading this book - WOW. I was so pleasantly surprised - oh, let's be honest, it was more like blown away!" -- Holy B. In NC, Amazon Review.


#59 DisgruntledWriter

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Posted 16 April 2018 - 02:34 PM

Whoops, didn't read the rules correctly :P I see I'm supposed to post in context, and give feed back.  Oops. RSMellette, I don't have any suggestions to offer for improvement, although I am intrigued about what's going on.  Are they in a spaceship? A zero g plane? The possibilities are endless.

 

How about first instance of "catch"?

 

“No!” the rabbit-lady snapped and Chang was jolted from her nirvana.  “That is not how a proper lady eats!”

Chang withdrew, confused.  She knew there was a catch.

What a cruel joke! she thought; how else was she supposed to eat?

“Your knife and fork!” the rabbit-lady said, in answer to her unspoken question.

Chang saw two silver utensils flanking either side of the plate.  Yes, of course, those things humans ate with.  Chang never understood the function of them when humans had two perfectly good hands to use instead.



#60 RSMellette

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    Billy Bobble Makes A Magic Wand, Dec. 2014 Elephant's Bookshelf Press

Posted 17 April 2018 - 12:57 PM

Thanks, DW.

 

Looking at yours, just real quick. I'd cut the "was" from "was jolted." How does rabbit-lady know the unspoken question? Just have Chang ask it. Cut "Chang saw," to make it more active: Two silver utensils flanked either side... Cut "to use instead."

 

 

Here is my "catch." Turns out, it's the first sentence of my WIP, which is a sequel.
 
 
I'm Nadir Alotus, bona fide space adventuress, and if I catch you reading my journal, I'm going to rip you apart.  
 
Or, you know, something like that. 
 
Where did I leave off? 

From Elephant's Bookshelf Press

 

51xExIpByyL._SS140_SH35_.jpg51n1zBAR2vL._SS140_SH35_.jpg

by R.S. Mellette

"WOW. That is the first word that comes to mind when I think about how I felt reading this book - WOW. I was so pleasantly surprised - oh, let's be honest, it was more like blown away!" -- Holy B. In NC, Amazon Review.





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