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First Mention Game


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#61 lnloft

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Posted 17 April 2018 - 04:38 PM

Mostly, I'm not a huge fan of starting off with a character introducing themselves, although based off your other books I'm assuming this is for a younger audience, which might make it more tolerable. On the other hand, you've already given us some quick insight into who this character is. At first, I was taking her claim of being a space adventuress as face value, although now I'm wondering if it's more a kid with a vivid imagination.

 

Here's my catch:

 

         The room beyond was large enough that the scope of the crystals couldn’t catch the edges, but from the way Marei had spoken, Lara didn’t think it was likely to be much more beyond that. The ceiling was taller here, and multiple columns invaded the space as a means of support. Otherwise, the room appeared empty. Precursor architecture always tended toward the large and not necessarily practical. As she stepped forward, Lara felt a tingling dance momentarily over her skin. She frowned, searching for the source.


Nothing to reciprocate on right now; I'm off in the query trenches.


#62 punitrastogi

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Posted 03 May 2018 - 05:25 AM

Here is my text with some before and after context:

 

She has gone quiet. It seems I am adding being rude to the weird traits I am exhibiting. I should avoid that. I collect myself and look up to face her again. She is looking straight at me and trying hard to control herself but has finally started laughing loudly again. Not rolling on the mattress, but enough to make me want to kill myself.

 

She has probably realized my plight, as she has finally stopped laughing. She composes herself somehow and catches her breath. “Well“, she says while trying to keep a straight face “I guess we need another round of introductions”, and with that mischievous smile on her face, she stretches her hand to me for a handshake and says,  “Hi! I am Chhaya Narula.”.

 

Nice! “Nice name,” and I complete the handshake. “Karan Chowdhary.” Her hands are softer than I expected. But the handshake is firm. Am I still dreaming?



#63 RSMellette

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Posted 03 May 2018 - 03:20 PM

Punitrastogi, you have a lot of -ing's in there. To me, whenever I see those, it's an indication that I can strengthen the sentence. For example:

 

She is looking straight at me and trying hard to control herself but has finally started laughing loudly again.

 

Becomes:

 

She looks straight at me and tries hard to control herself but finally starts laughing again.

 

Also, how does your narrator know the "she" "tries hard to control herself"? That's a bit of head-hopping.


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#64 spineofiron

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Posted 03 May 2018 - 09:57 PM

Here's my first actual catch in my current WIP, which is a little more exciting than its previous catching cousins:

 

Niall and Piotr gave Perry a heavy shove and, unable to catch himself, he pitched forward over the edge of the railing. Millie screamed from the stern.

 

That, more than anything, was what made Louise swing her other leg over the side of the ship and jump.


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-- -- --

 

NIGHT OF SORROWS

Query

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250 Words


#65 Michael Steven

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Posted 10 September 2018 - 02:56 AM

Punitrastogi, you have a lot of -ing's in there. To me, whenever I see those, it's an indication that I can strengthen the sentence. For example:

 

She is looking straight at me and trying hard to control herself but has finally started laughing loudly again.

 

Becomes:

 

She looks straight at me and tries hard to control herself but finally starts laughing again.

 

Also, how does your narrator know the "she" "tries hard to control herself"? That's a bit of head-hopping.

 

-ing verbs definitely qualify for a second look and change during edits.  They suspend action.  As adjectives they do all right.

 

One thing I notice in the sentence you chose and even in the edit made is how there is too much telling.  The head-hoping underscores that aspect.  "Look" is also a good word to try to cull from your writing.

 

I glare at her mirth-sparkling eyes as she muffles sounds behind her hand.  Before long her attempts fail and she erupts in raucous laughter once again.


Let there be light on this planet ... And let it shine through me
Let there be travellers who venture ... Far from the beaten path
And let one of them be me - Jefferson Starship - Champion (unused lyrics)




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