66 replies to this topic

[lnloft]

Mostly, I'm not a huge fan of starting off with a character introducing themselves, although based off your other books I'm assuming this is for a younger audience, which might make it more tolerable. On the other hand, you've already given us some quick insight into who this character is. At first, I was taking her claim of being a space adventuress as face value, although now I'm wondering if it's more a kid with a vivid imagination.

 

Here's my catch:

 

         The room beyond was large enough that the scope of the crystals couldn’t catch the edges, but from the way Marei had spoken, Lara didn’t think it was likely to be much more beyond that. The ceiling was taller here, and multiple columns invaded the space as a means of support. Otherwise, the room appeared empty. Precursor architecture always tended toward the large and not necessarily practical. As she stepped forward, Lara felt a tingling dance momentarily over her skin. She frowned, searching for the source.

[punitrastogi]

Here is my text with some before and after context:

 

She has gone quiet. It seems I am adding being rude to the weird traits I am exhibiting. I should avoid that. I collect myself and look up to face her again. She is looking straight at me and trying hard to control herself but has finally started laughing loudly again. Not rolling on the mattress, but enough to make me want to kill myself.

 

She has probably realized my plight, as she has finally stopped laughing. She composes herself somehow and catches her breath. “Well“, she says while trying to keep a straight face “I guess we need another round of introductions”, and with that mischievous smile on her face, she stretches her hand to me for a handshake and says,  “Hi! I am Chhaya Narula.”.

 

Nice! “Nice name,” and I complete the handshake. “Karan Chowdhary.” Her hands are softer than I expected. But the handshake is firm. Am I still dreaming?

[RSMellette]

Punitrastogi, you have a lot of -ing's in there. To me, whenever I see those, it's an indication that I can strengthen the sentence. For example:

 

She is looking straight at me and trying hard to control herself but has finally started laughing loudly again.

 

Becomes:

 

She looks straight at me and tries hard to control herself but finally starts laughing again.

 

Also, how does your narrator know the "she" "tries hard to control herself"? That's a bit of head-hopping.

[spineofiron]

Here's my first actual catch in my current WIP, which is a little more exciting than its previous catching cousins:

 

Niall and Piotr gave Perry a heavy shove and, unable to catch himself, he pitched forward over the edge of the railing. Millie screamed from the stern.

 

That, more than anything, was what made Louise swing her other leg over the side of the ship and jump.

[Michael Steven]

Punitrastogi, you have a lot of -ing's in there. To me, whenever I see those, it's an indication that I can strengthen the sentence. For example:

 

She is looking straight at me and trying hard to control herself but has finally started laughing loudly again.

 

Becomes:

 

She looks straight at me and tries hard to control herself but finally starts laughing again.

 

Also, how does your narrator know the "she" "tries hard to control herself"? That's a bit of head-hopping.

 

-ing verbs definitely qualify for a second look and change during edits.  They suspend action.  As adjectives they do all right.

 

One thing I notice in the sentence you chose and even in the edit made is how there is too much telling.  The head-hoping underscores that aspect.  "Look" is also a good word to try to cull from your writing.

 

I glare at her mirth-sparkling eyes as she muffles sounds behind her hand.  Before long her attempts fail and she erupts in raucous laughter once again.

[lnloft]

Since RS is reviving some other editing games I thought I'd pull this one up as well. For our word, let's go with help, since that's what we're doing for each other here.

 

My first "help" from my science-fantasy manuscript Ouroboros (would probably be better with more context and definitions, but oh well):

 

Lara stumbled to a halt as she came up behind Marei. The men scrambled on past her to the stairs. She couldn’t help—her mind screamed she was making things worse—but the pull. The voidbanes killed mindlessly and compulsively, the Cipher beyond the Rift would only be a slower death—but they were nil. Sweet nil. She looked over Marei’s shoulder down the hallway, and saw utter blackness, a mess of congealing shadow and solidifying dark. Just beyond came the frantic scratch of claws on stone and ragged hissing. Death and nil, and it didn’t even matter if they came hand-in-hand.  Let them come, part of Lara thought, the part of her that could only lust for nil, that wanted to shove past Marei to the addiction beyond. The rest of her, the rational, self-preserving part, screamed for her to run. Her craving and her sanity fought each other to a standstill, and Lara remained rooted behind Marei.

[mwsinclair]

Yeah, I need to look into this thread again. Been a while.