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GUNPOWDER, SPARKLES, AND JUST A LITTLE BIT OF RUM (MG Fantasy)


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#1 mammaMia

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Posted 18 December 2014 - 09:47 AM

Hi all! It's been a while since I've last been here. I had a very long hiatus from writing, but I was suddenly inspired to start writing again this week after hearing from an old writer friend whose book was just published. Last I heard, she wasn't even agented! It really made me realize how distanced I had become from the writing world. Anyway, I'm back on the writing train! Whoop! Here's the query of the book that I've been planning out the past week. What do you think of it?

 

Dear Agent:

 

Pirates aren’t exactly like how people imagine them. Because first of all, the average age of a pirate is twelve. And second of all, pirates is, or was, an all-girls thing... until Robbie and Jay came along.
 
Their best friend Arianna is accepted into the exclusive cult with open arms, but Robbie and Jay are given the death sentence. However, thanks to Arianna’s quick thinking, Robbie and Jay are spared. The catch: they’re given a very special job reserved solely for the male species.
 
Arianna likes to use the term “helpers”. But when you’re constantly yelled at to clean the filthy stables, to polish the deck with nothing but a toothbrush, and to (shudder) paint toenails, the job description screams “SLAVES”. It certainly doesn’t help when the captain can read minds and is determined to order the boys to do exactly what they don’t want to do.
 
But the darkest witch of the ocean, the kraken, is determined to finish off the pirate girls once and for all. The captain cursed the kraken to look like a monster, and revenge is about to be served on a platter filled with yummy pre-pubescent pirates. The thing is, it may take around two more than fifteen pirates to stop the vengeful kraken from devouring them all for supper.
 
GUNPOWDER, SPARKLES, AND JUST A LITTLE BIT OF RUM, complete at xx,xxx words, is a Middle Grade fantasy novel.
 
Thank you for your time and consideration.
 
Sincerely,
Mia

AWAKENED (YA science fiction) -- shelved

WHO'S THE MOST POPULAR OF THEM ALL? (upper MG contemporary) -- shelved

GUNPOWDER, SPARKLES, AND JUST A LITTLE BIT OF RUM (MG fantasy) -- writing first draft (Query here)

UNTITLED YA FANTASY -- planning

UNTITLED MG FANTASY -- planning


#2 djonahayes

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Posted 18 December 2014 - 03:46 PM

 

Hi all! It's been a while since I've last been here. I had a very long hiatus from writing, but I was suddenly inspired to start writing again this week after hearing from an old writer friend whose book was just published. Last I heard, she wasn't even agented! It really made me realize how distanced I had become from the writing world. Anyway, I'm back on the writing train! Whoop! Here's the query of the book that I've been planning out the past week. What do you think of it?

 

Dear Agent:

 

Pirates aren’t exactly like  (unless using like is part of your voice, I might leave it out, is sounds very Valley Girl) how people imagine them. Because first of all, the average age of a pirate is twelve. And second of all, pirates is, or was, an all-girls thing... until Robbie and Jay came along.  (Interesting hook)
 
Their best friend Arianna is accepted into the exclusive cult with open arms, but Robbie and Jay are given the death sentence. However, thanks to Arianna’s quick thinking, Robbie and Jay are spared. The catch: they’re given a very special job reserved solely for the male species boys.
 
Arianna likes to use the term “helpers”. (<--This feels a bit out of place, or needs to be reworded) But when you’re constantly yelled at to Robbie and Juy have to clean the filthy stables, to polish the deck with nothing but a toothbrush, and to (shudder) paint toenails, the job description screams “SLAVES”. It certainly doesn’t help when the captain can read minds and is determined to order the boys to do exactly what they don’t want to do.
 
But the Kraken, the darkest witch of the ocean darkest witch of the ocean, the Kraken, is determined to finish off the pirate girls once and for all. The captain cursed the kraken to look like a monster, and revenge is about to be served on a platter filled with yummy pre-pubescent pirates. The thing is, it may take around two more than fifteen pirates to stop the vengeful kraken from devouring them all for supper.
 
GUNPOWDER, SPARKLES, AND JUST A LITTLE BIT OF RUM, complete at xx,xxx words, is a Middle Grade fantasy novel.
 
Thank you for your time and consideration.
 
Sincerely,
Mia
 
Mia, good query bones, but I think the MC needs to take center.  I believe the MCs are Robbie and Jay, or is it Arianna.  What is the over all purpose of the MC?  Why should I, as the agent, care?  I feel this might be missing in the query.  Any suggestions on my queries is appreciated.

 



#3 JacobH44

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Posted 18 December 2014 - 03:53 PM

 

Hi all! It's been a while since I've last been here. I had a very long hiatus from writing, but I was suddenly inspired to start writing again this week after hearing from an old writer friend whose book was just published. Last I heard, she wasn't even agented! It really made me realize how distanced I had become from the writing world. Anyway, I'm back on the writing train! Whoop! Here's the query of the book that I've been planning out the past week. What do you think of it?

 

Dear Agent:

 

Pirates aren’t exactly like how people imagine them. Because first of all, the average age of a pirate is twelve. And second of all, pirates is, or was, an all-girls thing... until Robbie and Jay came along. A very MG-esque hook!
 
Their best friend Arianna is accepted into the exclusive cult (is cult the right word here if its an MG?) with open arms, but Robbie and Jay are given the death sentence. However, thanks to Arianna’s quick thinking, Robbie and Jay are spared. The catch: they’re given a very special job reserved solely for the male species.
 
Arianna likes to use the term “helpers”. But when you’re constantly yelled at to clean the filthy stables, to polish the deck with nothing but a toothbrush, and to (shudder) paint toenails love this last bit, the job description screams “SLAVES”. It certainly doesn’t help when the captain can read minds and is determined to order the boys to do exactly what they don’t want to do. Not too sure how well a "slave" aspect is going to go over, especially with MG, but that could just be me. I am ultra-sensitive. 
 
But the darkest witch of the ocean, the kraken, is determined to finish off the pirate girls once and for all. The captain cursed the kraken to look like a monster, and revenge is about to be served on a platter filled with yummy pre-pubescent pirates. The thing is, it may take around two more than fifteen pirates to stop the vengeful kraken from devouring them all for supper.
 
GUNPOWDER, SPARKLES, AND JUST A LITTLE BIT OF RUM, complete at xx,xxx words, is a Middle Grade fantasy novel.
 
Thank you for your time and consideration.
 
Sincerely,
Mia
I agree with the last post. I need to know more about the characters and their goals in the story.
 
Also, if you have time, I would really appreciate if you could check out my query for DEAR DAHLIA (YA) 

 


There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed. - Hemingway


#4 mammaMia

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Posted 18 December 2014 - 10:15 PM

Thanks for the feedback! I edited my query to show a little more about my MCs and their goals. I hope it's better!

 

Dear Agent:


Pirates aren’t exactly like how people imagine them. Because first of all, the average age of a pirate is twelve. And second of all, pirates is, or was, an all-girls thing... until Robbie and Jay came along.


Their best friend Arianna is accepted into the exclusive cult with open arms, but Robbie and Jay are given the death sentence. However, thanks to Arianna’s quick thinking, Robbie and Jay are spared. The catch: they’re given a very special job reserved solely for the male species.


Arianna likes to use the term “helpers”. But when you’re constantly yelled at to clean the filthy stables, to polish the deck with nothing but a toothbrush, and to (shudder) paint toenails, the job description screams “SLAVES”. It certainly doesn’t help when the captain can read minds and is determined to order the boys to do exactly what they don’t want to do.


Unfortunately, Kraken has kidnapped Arianna. The captain cursed the witch Kraken to look like a monster, and revenge is about to be served on a platter filled with yummy pre-pubescent pirates, starting with Robbie and Jay’s best friend. But with Robbie’s mad video gaming skills and Jay’s immense knowledge of all things weird, including giant squids, they’re bound to save Arianna from doom. The thing is, it may take an extra fifteen magical pirates to stop the vengeful Kraken from devouring Arianna for supper.


Too bad those fifteen pirates seem to want to devour them first.
 

GUNPOWDER, SPARKLES, AND JUST A LITTLE BIT OF RUM, complete at xx,xxx words, is a Middle Grade fantasy novel.

Thank you for your time and consideration.


AWAKENED (YA science fiction) -- shelved

WHO'S THE MOST POPULAR OF THEM ALL? (upper MG contemporary) -- shelved

GUNPOWDER, SPARKLES, AND JUST A LITTLE BIT OF RUM (MG fantasy) -- writing first draft (Query here)

UNTITLED YA FANTASY -- planning

UNTITLED MG FANTASY -- planning


#5 smiley

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Posted 18 December 2014 - 10:49 PM

Dear Agent:


Pirates aren’t exactly like how people imagine them. Because first of all, the average age of a pirate is twelve. I really like this part. And second of all, pirates is, or was, an all-girls thing... until Robbie and Jay came come along.


Their best friend Arianna is accepted into the exclusive cult with open arms, but Robbie and Jay are given the death sentence. However, thanks to Arianna’s quick thinking, Could you be more specific? What did she do? Robbie and Jay are spared. The catch: they’re given a very special job reserved solely for the male species.


Arianna likes to use the term “helpers”. But when you’re they're constantly yelled at to clean the filthy stables, to polish the deck with nothing but a toothbrush, and to (shudder) paint toenails, the job description screams “SLAVES”. It certainly doesn’t help when the captain can read minds and is determined to order the boys to do exactly what they don’t want to do.


Unfortunately, Kraken has kidnapped Arianna. The captain cursed the witch Kraken to look like a monster, and revenge is about to be served on a platter filled with yummy pre-pubescent pirates, starting with Robbie and Jay’s best friend. But with Robbie’s mad video gaming skills and Jay’s immense knowledge of all things weird, including giant squids, they’re bound to save Arianna from doom. The thing is, it may take an extra fifteen magical pirates to stop the vengeful Kraken from devouring Arianna for supper.


Too bad those fifteen pirates seem to want to devour them first. I'm confused as to what the magical pirates.. I'm not sure. I'm a little lost.
 

GUNPOWDER, SPARKLES, AND JUST A LITTLE BIT OF RUM, complete at xx,xxx words, is a Middle Grade fantasy novel.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

I love this voice, but I need a little clarification. :)


-Smiley :)

 

Please check out this sample if you have time: http://agentquerycon...ontemporary-ya/





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