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PURSUED


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#21 arielle99

arielle99

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Posted 26 June 2015 - 05:15 PM

So I decided to give this query another chance bc I already wrote the second book and working on the third.... HOPE THIS IS A Million times better 

 

 
Dear agent X,
 
 I am seeking representation for my first novel ESCAPING WITH MR.ANONYMOUS, a completed 50,200 word Thriller novel and I hope you might consider me for your list.
        Arielle Platinum, CEO of Gregory Industry, has everything she ever asked for--until she witness the death of a exotic dancer by an old classmate, and her normal life activities vanish.  
        When former high school jock Jason Hampton, comes back into Arielle's life as a demanding and mysterious murder suspect, he replaces her accomplishments with a new identity and a gun she doesn't know how to use, in return for her silence. To make matters worse, if Arielle wants to evade the mob boss and others who want her dead, she must help Jason on his own quest to retrieve a secret code before it lands in the wrong hands. The secret code can perhaps destroy the world.
        While they both attempt to defeat enemies, regain Arielle’s title and finish Jason’s ultimate mission, neither can continue to disregard the attraction that unites them together, until the mob boss kidnaps Arielle.
        Arielle never expected Jason to save her life. And neither of them ever expected to feel anything more than hostility for each other, until the mob boss tells Arielle that Jason is not a criminal. If Jason’s not a criminal then what is he? Now, it’s all up to Arielle to find out the last piece of the puzzle before someone gets hurt.

Mysterious Book Query : http://agentquerycon...nonymous/page-2

 

Thriller Book Query : http://agentquerycon...uery-undecided/

 

Mysterious Book Synopsis : http://agentquerycon...h-mr-anonymous/


#22 NicholasRichardWilde

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  • Publishing Experience:4 years ago I had 2 requests for a partial on 2 submissions on this novel. Ultimately it was too long and unrefined. I stepped away from writing for two years to retool and came back stronger than ever. In May 2014 I won the award at The Atlanta Writers conference for best pitch and thought I had an agent but somehow the needs of the agency changed and I never heard back after winning the award. I'm in need of an agent that wants to stable a thriller author.

Posted 27 June 2015 - 02:09 AM

Hello, how's everything going? Hopefully I can add a few helpful critiques as you seem to be working on this query for a long time. I'm new here so my advice is only the take it or leave it kind. I'd like to try to be as helpful as I can.

#1 she cannot witness the death of an exotic dancer from a classmate. This is just impossible and is an automatic rejection.
#2 for having so many things happening 50,000 words is on the light side of thriller. Try to condense the plot into 5 sentences then expand from there. Eliminate any discussion of sub plots-sub plots are interesting points for readers.
#3 you cannot sell the book to an agent if the agent has to guess what the piece of the puzzle is.
#4 in exchange for her silence about what and how does a school jock replace her identity-was she kidnapped by him?
#5 I'm not understanding what the conflict is or what the story is and how the characters relate to each other.

Okay, so in reading all the other information from previous people and your other queries this is how I think you should write it.

Arielle Platinum, CEO of Gregory Industry, has everything she ever asked for--until she witnessed the death of a exotic dancer. Thought to be a liability by the mob, a hit is placed on Arielle. Now on the run, Arielle finds herself alone and scared. Her life was nearing its end. About to give up she is rescued by the last person she ever thought of, Jason Hampton-a man she had not seen since he dropped out of high school. Jason, now a wanted criminal for previous crimes, asks her to trust him and together they will defeat the mob.

I hope this gives you the direction you need to make this happen. Good luck.

#23 arielle99

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Posted 27 June 2015 - 05:11 PM

Thanks @NicholasRichardWilde

I Feel like you're taking me to the write spot... I know it has been years since i came back tot this particular project. Thanks a million for your advice and I will surely take it into notice (: 


Mysterious Book Query : http://agentquerycon...nonymous/page-2

 

Thriller Book Query : http://agentquerycon...uery-undecided/

 

Mysterious Book Synopsis : http://agentquerycon...h-mr-anonymous/


#24 arielle99

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Posted 07 December 2017 - 07:34 PM

HELLO EVERYONE! I actually took a 2 year break from querying, in order to focus on other things, BUT I'm back not with a much better query!! I'm hoping you guys find it much better than that horrible first draft I had ( SMH) so sorry about that!. 

 

Arielle Platinum, CEO of Gregory Industry, has everything she ever asked for-- until she witnessed the death of an exotic dancer.  She is flying under the radar of the law after she unknowingly became an accessory to murder. Thought to be a liability by the mob, a hit is placed on Arielle.

 

Now on the run, Arielle finds herself alone and scared. Her life was nearing its end. About to give up she is rescued by the last person she ever thought of, Jason Hampton- a man who committed the crime. 

 

Arielle must find a strategic way to either assist the criminal and defeat the mob or be put behind bars. 

 

PURSUED is a 72,000 word Literary Fiction and Mystery novel told in Arielle POV. It will appeal to the readers of Johnathan Cahn and Paula Hawkins. 


Mysterious Book Query : http://agentquerycon...nonymous/page-2

 

Thriller Book Query : http://agentquerycon...uery-undecided/

 

Mysterious Book Synopsis : http://agentquerycon...h-mr-anonymous/





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