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SHADOWS BLEED (YA Fantasy)

Fiction Fantasy Science Fiction Young Adult

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#1 EliQuinn

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Posted 31 December 2014 - 05:22 AM

*REVISED QUERY on page 2 in post #37*

 

Hey guys, so I'm a bit of a newbie to this site and the whole scene of submitting to publishers and whatnot so any advice or criticism is completely welcome. Thanks in advance to anyone who contributes :)

 

- EQ

--------------------------------

 

Dear ________,

 

When a figure of myth and legend falls from the sky and Aeriae Llewyn, a low-born slave, rescues him from the tyrannical Westwinter Imperium, he promises her freedom from the threads of Fate that bind the world, and all she has to do is take the life of another.

 

Aeriae Llewyn has spent the last three years of her life as a slave, imprisoned by the Westwinter Imperium, and the three before that as a wanted criminal. Since her youth she has had to deal with adversity and the prejudice her kind, the Savari, face. All she has ever wanted is for her family, her mother and sister, to be free of the stifling claws of the Imperium. And now, for the first time, she has a real chance to do that.

 

But, as Aeriae travels throughout Uarye and beyond, from the menacing Fell-Lands and as far as the treacherous Stormwall through which no one living has passed, holding secrets untold beyond it, she will meet friends and enemies alike, all the while learning that the freedom she seeks does not come cheap, forcing her to decide just how far she is willing to go to save her family.

 

SHADOWS BLEED is an 80,000 word young-adult fantasy novel which even dabbles in a bit of steampunk and has some romance to boot! It is a fast-paced novel that keeps the reader guessing through unexpected twists and turns throughout.

 

(Paragraph about moi is usually here but I've omitted that :)

 

I thank you for taking the time to read through my humble query letter and for your consideration of SHADOWS BLEED. I have enclosed the first 50 pages of SHADOWS BLEED and the full novel is available upon request. (this last bit obviously changes depending on the submission guidelines of the agent and whether they want pages initially or not)

 

Kind Regards,

Eli Quinn


If you have the time, I would love your opinion on my query and or synopsis:

 

Synopsis > http://agentquerycon...sy/#entry268693

 

Query > http://agentquerycon...ntasy/?p=267170


#2 DutchessOfDork

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Posted 31 December 2014 - 08:26 PM

When a figure of myth and legend falls from the sky and Aeriae Llewyn, a low-born slave, rescues him from the tyrannical Westwinter Imperium, he promises her freedom from the threads of Fate that bind the world, and all she has to do is take the life of another. Where's your Hook? There needs to be a short, sweet, simple sentence to start your query with a bang! This one is long and drawn out. 

 

Aeriae Llewyn has spent the last three years of her life as a slave, That could be your hook imprisoned by the Westwinter Imperium, and the three before that as a wanted criminal. Since her youth she has had to deal with adversity and the prejudice her kind, the Savari, face. All she has ever wanted is for her family, her mother and sister, to be free of the stifling claws of the Imperium. And Nnow, for the first time, she has a real chance to do that.

 

But, Aas Aeriae travels throughout Uarye and beyond, from the menacing Fell-Lands and as far as the treacherous Stormwall through which no one living has passed, holding secrets untold beyond it, she will meet friends and enemies alike, all the while learning that the freedom she seeks does not come cheap, forcing her to decide just how far she is willing to go to save her family. Wow, you put so much into one sentence. Let's break this up into 2-4 sentences. Each sentence should be a short punch, less commas, more periods, and I'm not talking the bloody kind. Ewwwie.

 

SHADOWS BLEED is an 80,000 word young-adult fantasy novel which even dabbles in a bit of steampunk and has some romance to boot! It is a fast-paced novel that keeps the reader guessing through unexpected twists and turns throughout. This is a no-no, never tell your agent what your readers will think or feel about your story. Your' story should speak for itself in your query, don't add a sales pitch, agents don't care for that.

 

(Paragraph about moi is usually here but I've omitted that :) You really don't need a paragraph about yourself  unless you are telling about anything previously published.

 

I thank you for taking the time to read through my humble query letter and for your consideration of SHADOWS BLEED. I have enclosed the first 50 pages don't ever give an agent anything they don't ask for, most will NOT want your first 50 pages unless they specifically ask for it. of SHADOWS BLEED and the full novel is available upon request. (this last bit obviously changes depending on the submission guidelines of the agent and whether they want pages initially or not) Oh, ok, nevermind, you know what I wrote above then. Oops. 

 

Kind Regards,

Eli Quinn

 

Good job! 

I could use some advice on my query too, if you have a chance take a look, ENDING FEAR YA Speculative.

Thanks


-Dutchess Of Dork

 

I need help with my query letter, please check it out! (ENDING FEAR, YA Speculative)

http://agentquerycon...a-speculative/ 

 

"Speculative fiction is fuel for the future and whets the appetite of the eaters of words."

-Romeo Esparrago, associate editor, art and graphics 


#3 EliQuinn

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Posted 01 January 2015 - 03:30 AM

Yes, about the hook, I've edited since then upon realising that 200+ characters, whilst one sentence, is too long. "

 

"Wow, you put so much into one sentence. Let's break this up into 2-4 sentences." - Excellent pick up, thank you :D

 

All really good points, I needed the additional insight. Thank you very much for taking the time to have a gander, i will certainly return the favour DutchessOfDork

 

- EQ


If you have the time, I would love your opinion on my query and or synopsis:

 

Synopsis > http://agentquerycon...sy/#entry268693

 

Query > http://agentquerycon...ntasy/?p=267170


#4 Taulbee

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Posted 01 January 2015 - 12:02 PM

Dear ________,

 

When a figure of myth and legend falls from the sky and Aeriae Llewyn, a low-born slave, rescues him a figure of myth from the tyrannical Westwinter Imperium, he promises her she is promised freedom from the threads of Fate that bind the world, and All she has to do is take the life of another.

 

Aeriae Llewyn has spent the last three years of her life as a slave, imprisoned by the Westwinter Imperium, and the three before that as a wanted criminal. Since her youth she has had to deal with adversity and the prejudice her kind, the Savari, face. All she has ever wanted is for her family, her mother and sister, (I don't think you need to have both family and mother and sister here; just use one or the other) to be free of the stifling claws of the Imperium. And now, for the first time, she has a real chance to do that.

 

But, as Aeriae travels throughout Uarye and beyond, from the menacing Fell-Lands and as far as the treacherous Stormwall through which no one living has passed, holding secrets untold beyond it, she will meet friends and enemies alike, all the while learning that the freedom she seeks does not come cheap, forcing her to decide just how far she is willing to go to save her family. (This was just really long and slightly confusing; too much information all at once.)

 

SHADOWS BLEED is an 80,000 word young-adult fantasy novel which even dabbles in a bit of steampunk and has some romance to boot! It is a fast-paced novel that keeps the reader guessing through unexpected twists and turns throughout.

 

(Paragraph about moi is usually here but I've omitted that :) (Not required.)

 

I thank you for taking the time to read through my humble query letter and for your consideration of SHADOWS BLEED. I have enclosed the first 50 pages of SHADOWS BLEED and the full novel is available upon request. (this last bit obviously changes depending on the submission guidelines of the agent and whether they want pages initially or not)

 

Kind Regards,

Eli Quinn

 

I feel like this is a good first attempt. I'd like to know a little bit more about the world, since you drop names of places, and I'm intrigued by the figure of myth and legend.



#5 RavenRum

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Posted 01 January 2015 - 08:12 PM

Hey guys, so I'm a bit of a newbie to this site and the whole scene of submitting to publishers and whatnot so any advice or criticism is completely welcome. Thanks in advance to anyone who contributes :)

 

- EQ

--------------------------------

 

Dear ________,

 

When a figure of myth and legend (who is he?) falls from the sky and Aeriae Llewyn, a low-born slave, rescues him from the tyrannical Westwinter Imperium, he promises her freedom from the threads of Fate that bind the world, and all she has to do is take the life of another. Waaay too wordy. Make it a one sentence hook. Dangle the carrot in front of them and get them to keep reading. If you give them too much to mulch over they won't bother.

 

Aeriae Llewyn has spent the last three years of her life as a slave, imprisoned by the Westwinter Imperium, and the three before that as a wanted criminal. Make this tighter and less convulted. I get what you're trying to say, but it could flow better . Since her youth she has had to deal with adversity and the prejudice her kind, the Savari, face. Maybe change to "She's dealt with prejudice inflicted upon the Savari her entire life".. All she has ever wanted is for her family, her mother and sister, to be free of the stifling claws of the Imperium. And now, for the first time, she has a real chance to do that.

 

But, as Aeriae travels throughout Uarye and beyond, from the menacing Fell-Lands and as far as the treacherous Stormwall through which no one living has passed, holding secrets untold beyond it, she will meet friends and enemies alike, all the while learning that the freedom she seeks does not come cheap, forcing her to decide just how far she is willing to go to save her family. Great sentence here, although I'd omit a bit for the sake of brevity. Maybe end with something ominious like "freedom does not come cheap, and the price may be measured in her family's blood". You know the story better than I do.

 

SHADOWS BLEED is an 80,000 word young-adult fantasy novel which even dabbles in a bit of steampunk and has some romance to boot! It is a fast-paced novel that keeps the reader guessing through unexpected twists and turns throughout. Tell us WHY? Who would you compare it to and why? Give the agent something to measure it up with it, where it would stand in the market and on the shelves.

 

(Paragraph about moi is usually here but I've omitted that :)

 

I thank you for taking the time to read through my humble query letter and for your consideration of SHADOWS BLEED. I have enclosed the first 50 pages of SHADOWS BLEED and the full novel is available upon request. (this last bit obviously changes depending on the submission guidelines of the agent and whether they want pages initially or not) Yeah, I was going to say you should change this. Some agents don't even want a single page -- they just want the query letter.

 

Kind Regards,

Eli Quinn

I hope this helps, man! :)



#6 EliQuinn

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Posted 01 January 2015 - 08:42 PM

Thanks a lot Taulbee and RavenRum, such awesome suggestions from both of you. I'll take it on board as I write a new query and post a revised letter here shortly. Cheers guys :)


If you have the time, I would love your opinion on my query and or synopsis:

 

Synopsis > http://agentquerycon...sy/#entry268693

 

Query > http://agentquerycon...ntasy/?p=267170


#7 Jeffrey

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Posted 02 January 2015 - 12:10 AM

Just want to say I feel ya bro. about the query. I think you got a great start to a great story. I likewise agree about your sentences being too long. Just wanted to say I appreciated your insight on mine (cyber revenge) as well. Thank you.

#8 EliQuinn

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Posted 04 January 2015 - 07:33 AM

Thanks Jeffrey, no worries, anytime :)


If you have the time, I would love your opinion on my query and or synopsis:

 

Synopsis > http://agentquerycon...sy/#entry268693

 

Query > http://agentquerycon...ntasy/?p=267170


#9 EliQuinn

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Posted 04 January 2015 - 07:43 AM

Okay guys, I've gone ahead and revised my query letter so here it is, version 2;

 

Dear _________,

 

When Aeriae Llewyn, a low-born slave, rescues a figure of legend that falls from the sky, he promises her freedom. All she has to do is take the life of another soul.

 

For three years Aeriae Llewyn has been a slave to the Westwinter Imperium and the three before that as a wanted criminal. For as long as she can remember the Savari, her people, have been persecuted and imprisoned. The only thing she wants, that she has ever wanted, is for her family to finally be free of the stifling grasp of the Imperium. Now, for the first time, she has that chance.

 

Her travels throughout and beyond Üarye will take her from the menacing Fell-Lands and as far as the treacherous Stormwall through which no one living has passed, holding secrets untold. During her journey she will meet friends and enemies alike, all the while learning that the freedom she seeks does not come cheap, forcing her to decide just how far she is really willing to go to save her family.

 

SHADOWS BLEED is an 80,000 word young-adult fantasy novel that dabbles in steampunk and romance.

 

Thank you for taking the time to read through my humble query and for your consideration of Shadows Bleed. The novel, in full or part, is available upon request. (<again, varies depending on the submission rules per editor)

 

Kind Regards,

 

Eli Quinn 


If you have the time, I would love your opinion on my query and or synopsis:

 

Synopsis > http://agentquerycon...sy/#entry268693

 

Query > http://agentquerycon...ntasy/?p=267170


#10 Ireth

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Posted 04 January 2015 - 02:35 PM

Okay guys, I've gone ahead and revised my query letter so here it is, version 2;

 

Dear _________,

 

When Aeriae Llewyn, a low-born slave, rescues a figure of legend that falls from the sky, he promises her freedom. (It's not immediately clear which pronoun belongs to which character.) All she has to do is take the life of another soul.

 

For three years Aeriae Llewyn has been a slave to the Westwinter Imperium and the three before that as a wanted criminal. For as long as she can remember the Savari, her people, have been persecuted and imprisoned. All she wants, and has ever wanted, is for her family to finally be free of the stifling grasp of the Imperium. Now, for the first time, she has that chance. (If this has to do with the figure of legend you mention in your hook, make that clear.)

 

Her travels throughout and beyond Üarye will (stay in present tense, not future) take her from the menacing Fell-Lands and as far as the treacherous Stormwall through which no one living has passed, holding secrets untold. But her encounters with friends and enemies alike teach her that the freedom she seeks does not come cheap. Soon she must decide just how far she is really willing to go to save her family.

 

SHADOWS BLEED is an 80,000 word young-adult fantasy novel that dabbles in steampunk and romance.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration. The novel, in full or part, is available upon request. (<again, varies depending on the submission rules per editor)

 

Kind Regards,

 

Eli Quinn 


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#11 EliQuinn

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Posted 05 January 2015 - 06:42 PM

Awesome tips Ireth, thanks so much, I'll be sure to implement them. If you have anything you'd like me to look at in return, by all means private-message me and I'll take a look as soon as I can.

 

- EQ


If you have the time, I would love your opinion on my query and or synopsis:

 

Synopsis > http://agentquerycon...sy/#entry268693

 

Query > http://agentquerycon...ntasy/?p=267170


#12 smiley

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Posted 06 January 2015 - 08:33 PM

Dear _________,

 

When Aeriae Llewyn, a low-born slave, rescues a figure of legend This is just a little awkward to me (a figure of legend), but that's just my opinion. that falls from the sky, he promises her freedom. All she has to do is take the life of another soul. Ooh. Intriguing already.

 

For three years, (comma) Aeriae Llewyn I don't think you would need to say her name twice. has been a slave to the Westwinter Imperium and the three before that as a wanted criminal. The second part of this sentence (and the three before that as a wanted criminal) is really interesting, but the phrasing throws me off. For as long as she can remember, (comma) the Savari, her people, have been persecuted and imprisoned. The only thing she wants, I would use an em dash instead (The only thing she wants—that she has ever wanted—is...) that she has ever wanted, is for her family to finally be free of the stifling grasp of the Imperium. Now, for the first time, she has that chance.

 

Her travels throughout and beyond Üarye will take her from the menacing Fell-Lands and as far as the treacherous Stormwall through which no one living has passed, holding secrets untold. There are a lot of cool names here, but there might be too many. As you continue to world-build, you slowly lose the reader. During her journey She will meet friends and enemies alike, all the while learning that the freedom she seeks does not come cheap, forcing her to decide just how far she is really willing to go to save her family. This is a long sentence.

 

SHADOWS BLEED is an 80,000 word young-adult fantasy novel that dabbles in steampunk and romance.

 

Thank you for taking the your time to read through my humble query and for your consideration It's best to keep it simple. of Shadows Bleed. The novel, in full or part, is available upon request. (<again, varies depending on the submission rules per editor)

 

Kind Regards,

 

Eli Quinn 

 

I love your world-building. These names are fantastic. :)


-Smiley :)

 

Please check out this sample if you have time: http://agentquerycon...ontemporary-ya/


#13 Jeffrey

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Posted 07 January 2015 - 05:14 AM

I agree with smiley on both counts. Your name choice is awesome! Secondly, where you say: "rescues a figure of legend" is a bit confusing. Is that the name of a personage? Or does that figure of legend have a name? Just curious.

#14 EliQuinn

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Posted 07 January 2015 - 05:29 AM

Thanks Smiley! Some top tips there and I've reworked my query a little since the last post, I'll post it shortly.

 

The 'figure of legend' has a name but it is not relevant for the query as it is not a simple name, to say the least, but it's symbolic and changing it would be detrimental to what I am attempting to convey through the character. 

 

Thanks guys, this feedback is tops!


If you have the time, I would love your opinion on my query and or synopsis:

 

Synopsis > http://agentquerycon...sy/#entry268693

 

Query > http://agentquerycon...ntasy/?p=267170


#15 EliQuinn

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Posted 07 January 2015 - 05:32 AM

Here we go guys, version the third! I've implemented a lot of the suggestions so, hopefully, it flows better. Let me know what you think!

 

- EQ

 

 

 

Dear _________,

 

When Aeriae Llewyn, a low-born slave, rescues a figure of legend that falls from the sky, she is promised freedom. All she has to do is take the life of another soul.

 

For three years Aeriae has been a slave to the Westwinter Imperium and spent the three before that as a wanted criminal. For as long as she can remember her people have been persecuted and imprisoned. All she wants, and has ever wanted, is for her family to be free of the stifling grasp of the Imperium. Now, with the coming of a legend, she has that chance.

 

Her travels throughout the world take her from the menacing Fell-Lands and as far as the treacherous Stormwall through which no one living has passed, holding secrets untold beyond. But her encounters with friends and enemies alike teach her that the freedom she seeks does not come cheap, forcing her to decide just how far she is really willing to go to save her family.

 

SHADOWS BLEED is an 80,000 word young-adult fantasy novel that dabbles in steampunk and romance.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration. The novel, in full or part, is available upon request.

 

Kind Regards,

Eli Quinn 


If you have the time, I would love your opinion on my query and or synopsis:

 

Synopsis > http://agentquerycon...sy/#entry268693

 

Query > http://agentquerycon...ntasy/?p=267170


#16 Denisa

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Posted 07 January 2015 - 06:18 AM

Here we go guys, version the third! I've implemented a lot of the suggestions so, hopefully, it flows better. Let me know what you think!

 

- EQ

 

 

 

Dear _________,

 

When Aeriae Llewyn, a low-born slave, rescues a figure of legend that falls from the sky, she is promised freedom.(In the last paragraph, you tell us that her family is promised freedom as well.) But freedom comes at a price: she has to do is take the life of another soul. Any other sole? or one in particular? 

 

For three years Aeriae has been a slave to the Westwinter Imperium and spent the three before that as a wanted criminal. For as long as she can remember her people have been persecuted and imprisoned. All she wants, and has ever wanted, is for her family to be free of the stifling grasp of the Imperium. Now, with the coming of a legend What legend? Tell us something more about him/she, she has that chance.

 

Her travels what travels? why is she traveling? throughout the world take her from the menacing Fell-Lands and as far as the treacherous Stormwall through which no one living has passed, holding secrets untold beyond. there's too much info in this very long sentence. But her encounters with friends and enemies alike teach her that the freedom she seeks does not come cheap, forcing her to decide just how far she is really willing to go to save her family. Again, why is she traveling, where does she need to get? for what purpose?  "just how far she is really willing to go" is too vague; give us examples of what she must do. 

 

SHADOWS BLEED is an 80,000 word young-adult fantasy novel that dabbles in steampunk and romance.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration. The novel, in full or part, is available upon request.

 

Kind Regards,

Eli Quinn 



#17 EliQuinn

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Posted 08 January 2015 - 07:59 AM

Thank you very much for that advice Denisa, you've brought some important stuff I had missed to my attention. I've revised below:

 

Dear _________,

 

When Aeriae Llewyn, a low-born slave, rescues a figure of legend that falls from the sky, she is promised freedom. All she has to do is take the life of another soul. (<I've clarified who this is further on)

 

For three years Aeriae has been a slave to the Westwinter Imperium and spent the three before that as a wanted criminal. For as long as she can remember her people have been persecuted and imprisoned. All she wants, and has ever wanted, is for her family to be free of the stifling grasp of the Imperium. Now, with the coming of a legend, a Firstborn Son of Avar, she has that chance.

 

Her search for Darrin Vaskarth, the man she must kill, takes her across the ocean and as far as the treacherous Stormwall, through which no one living has passed. Her fate rests with the secrets that lie beyond. It is not long before she learns that the freedom she seeks does not come cheap and must decide how far she is willing to go to save her family.

 

SHADOWS BLEED is an 80,000 word young-adult fantasy novel that dabbles in steampunk and romance.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration. The novel, in full or part, is available upon request.

 

Kind Regards,

Eli Quinn 

 

 

Hopefully that flows better. If you've any more advice, it's much appreciated. Thanks again :)

 

- EQ


If you have the time, I would love your opinion on my query and or synopsis:

 

Synopsis > http://agentquerycon...sy/#entry268693

 

Query > http://agentquerycon...ntasy/?p=267170


#18 ah_522

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Posted 09 January 2015 - 12:21 AM

 

 

Dear _________,

 

When Aeriae Llewyn, a low-born slave, rescues a figure of legend that falls from the sky, she is promised freedom. All she has to do is take the life of another a specific soul. (<I've clarified who this is further on) (What's stopping you from putting the name of the person here?) 

 

For three years Aeriae has been a slave to the Westwinter Imperium and spent the three before that as a wanted criminal. For as long as she can remember her people have been persecuted and imprisoned. All she wants, and has ever wanted, is for her family to be free of the stifling grasp of the Imperium. Now, with the coming of a legend, a Firstborn Son of Avar, she has that chance. (Is the legend the person she rescued?? Can you clarify and tie it back to the hook?)

 

Her search for Darrin Vaskarth, the man she must kill, takes her across the ocean and as far as to the treacherous Stormwall, through which no one living has passed. (I'm confused, is it a wall or a place/border town?) Her fate rests with the secrets that lie beyond. (Is the place beyond Imperium control?) It is not long before she learns that the freedom she seeks does not come cheaply and must decide how far she is willing to go to save her family.

 

SHADOWS BLEED is an 80,000 word young-adult fantasy novel that dabbles in steampunk and romance.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration. The novel, in full or part, is available upon request.

 

Kind Regards,

Eli Quinn 

 

 

Something that is slightly ambiguous to me is the motivation. In your hook, it says Aeriae wants her freedom, but in the synopsis your query changes it to her family's freedom. Maybe you could change one of the two, because it self-contradicts and confuses me a bit. 

 

Hope that helps!



#19 EliQuinn

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Posted 10 January 2015 - 06:50 AM

Hey ah_522, thanks for taking the time to have a look at my query, I appreciate the interest and will apply what I can where I can :)

 

The reason I don't include Darrin Vaskarth's name in the hook is because, seeing as he is not the protagonist, his name would be unnecessary fat on the hook. 

As for the Stormwall, it's supposed to leave a little mystery there to (hopefully) entice the reader into wanting more.

In regards to what is beyond the Stormwall, "no one living has passed" through it, so yes, it's out of Imperium control :)

 

Thanks again for your interest,

 

- EQ


If you have the time, I would love your opinion on my query and or synopsis:

 

Synopsis > http://agentquerycon...sy/#entry268693

 

Query > http://agentquerycon...ntasy/?p=267170


#20 Denisa

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Posted 10 January 2015 - 07:43 AM

Thank you very much for that advice Denisa, you've brought some important stuff I had missed to my attention. I've revised below:

 

Dear _________,

 

When Aeriae Llewyn, a low-born slave, rescues a figure of legend that falls from the sky the Firstborn Son of Avar, she is promised freedom at one condition: take the life of another. I think it reads better this way, but this is just my opinion, I could be wrong . All she has to do is take the life of another soul. (<I've clarified who this is further on)

 

For three years Aeriae has been a slave to the Westwinter Imperium and spent the three before that as a wanted criminal. For as long as she can remember her people have been persecuted and imprisoned. All she wants, and has ever wanted, is for her family to be free of the stifling grasp of the Imperium. Now, with the coming of a legend, a Firstborn Son of Avar, she has that chance.

 

Her search This had me thinking, you said she is a slave, so how exactly does she embark on this journey? Does the son of Avar grant her freedom, or does she somehow escape? You could clarify this in your previous sentence.something like: Freed by the Firstborn Son of Avar, Aeriae must fulfill her task: find   for Darrin Vaskarth and kill him. Her search for Vaskarth, takes her across the ocean and as far as the treacherous Stormwall, through which no one living has passed. Her fate rests with the secrets that lie beyond. It is not long before she learns that the freedom she seeks does not come cheap and must decide how far she is willing to go to save her family.

 

SHADOWS BLEED is an 80,000 word young-adult fantasy novel that dabbles in steampunk and romance. How does she fall for? Darrin, the man she must kill? There is nothing in your query that says romance. If she fall for Darrin you should tell us this. It would help with the stakes as well. If it's not Darrian, tell us who. 

 

Thank you for your time and consideration. The novel, in full or part, is available upon request.

 

Kind Regards,

Eli Quinn 

 

 

Hopefully that flows better. If you've any more advice, it's much appreciated. Thanks again :)

 

- EQ







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