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BELLRINGER (Fantasy)


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#1 Ireth

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Posted 19 January 2015 - 02:58 PM

Revision #4 in post #38
 
Preliminary query for a new WIP I'm not too far into yet, but have a fair amount of plans laid out for. Have at it!
 
Diana Harrows never thought living in a cathedral would make her life hell.
 
Six years ago, a savage attack turned Diana into a werewolf, and her fiancé into her captor. Now she lives alone in the tower of Leeds Parish Church, ringing the bells day after day and praying for freedom night after night. Her ex-fiancé turned deacon, Reverend Matthew Short, plies her for information on the werewolves’ hidden lair, and does his best to convince her she and they are monsters who deserve to be sent back to Hell.
 
When Diana sneaks into a church service against Matthew’s orders, she inadvertently leads a stranger right to her home. Vincent doesn’t see her as a demon, but a woman who deserves all the kindness the world has to offer. He vows to help her escape, and asks nothing of her but friendship. But Matthew has his lustful eye on Vincent as well. If Matthew can't have him, Diana can't either.
 
Diana and Vincent escape from Matthew and into the clutches of the werewolves, who are less than eager to accept Diana as kindred or Vincent as an ally. As Matthew hunts them down with murder on his mind, Diana must choose whether to rally her kindred to fight, or give herself up for their sake—and for Vincent’s.
 
BELLRINGER is an XX,000-word fantasy reimagining of The Hunchback of Notre Dame. Thank you for your time and consideration.

There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#2 smiley

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Posted 19 January 2015 - 03:02 PM

Diana Harrows never thought living in a cathedral would make her life hell. Ooh, I love this.

 
Six years ago, a savage attack turned Diana into a werewolf, and her fiancé into her captor. I'm a little confused as to how her fiancé is her captor. Now she lives alone in the tower of Leeds Parish Church, ringing the bells day after day and praying for freedom night after night. I like the "day after day" and the "night after night." Her ex-fiancé turned deacon, Reverend Matthew Short, plies her for information on the werewolves’ hidden lair, I don't think you need a comma here. and does his best to convince her she and they are monsters who deserve to be sent back to Hell.
 
When Diana sneaks into a church service against Matthew’s orders, she inadvertently leads a stranger right to her home. Vincent doesn’t see her as a demon, but as? a woman who deserves all the kindness the world has to offer. He vows to help her escape, I don't think a comma is necessary. and asks nothing of her but friendship. But Matthew has his lustful eye on Vincent as well. WHOA. I didn't expect that. If Matthew can't have him, Diana can't either.
 
Diana and Vincent escape from Matthew and into the clutches of the werewolves, who are less than eager to accept Diana as kindred or Vincent as an ally. As Matthew hunts them down with murder on his mind, Diana must choose whether to rally her kindred to fight, or give herself up for their sake—and for Vincent’s.
 
BELLRINGER is an XX,000-word fantasy reimagining of The Hunchback of Notre Dame. Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

 

Yeah, I was thinking it was like The Hunchback of Notre Dame, and I love this twist. I'm not even really a fantasy person, but I'd pick this up. :)


-Smiley :)

 

Please check out this sample if you have time: http://agentquerycon...ontemporary-ya/


#3 glenn84

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Posted 19 January 2015 - 05:13 PM

 

Preliminary query for a new WIP I'm not too far into yet, but have a fair amount of plans laid out for. Have at it! 
 
Diana Harrows never thought living in a cathedral would make her life hell.  Love this hook. 
 
Six years ago, a savage attack turned Diana into a werewolf, and her fiancé into her captor. Why is her fiance the captor? Now she lives alone in the tower of Leeds Parish Church, ringing the bells day after day and praying for freedom night after night. Her ex-fiancé turned deacon, Reverend Matthew Short, plies her for information on the werewolves’ hidden lair, and does his best to convince her she and they are monsters who deserve to be sent back to Hell. 
 
When Diana sneaks into a church service against Matthew’s orders, she inadvertently leads a stranger right to her home. Vincent doesn’t see her as a demon, but a woman who deserves all the kindness the world has to offer. He vows to help her escape, and asks nothing of her but friendship. But Matthew has his lustful eye on Vincent as well. If Matthew can't have him, Diana can't either. Definitely different. I like it.
 
Diana and Vincent escape from Matthew and into the clutches of the werewolves, who are less than eager to accept Diana as kindred or Vincent as an ally. As Matthew hunts them down with murder on his mind, Diana must choose whether to rally her kindred to fight, or give herself up for their sake—and for Vincent’s.
 
BELLRINGER is an XX,000-word fantasy reimagining of The Hunchback of Notre Dame. Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

 

 

I really like this, Ireth. It's very well written and concise. No wasted words. The only thing that might need some clearing up is the fiance being the captor part. Other than that I really don't see much wrong with this query.



#4 Jeffrey

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Posted 20 January 2015 - 01:19 AM

I agree Ireth. I think this is a really good query. I really like your hook. Your getting good at this. BTW, if you get a chance stop by and tell me what you think on my two versions of a revision on cyber revenge.

#5 BlueRose280

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Posted 22 January 2015 - 10:02 AM

Whoa! Out of all the classics, you sure chose to take on a doozy. I applaud you and your idea. But for me, it raises some questions about Matthew and Diana: Was he a deacon before she was turned? If he finds another werewolf willing to betray his pack, will Matthew come after Diana himself? When you say that Mathew has a 'lustful eye' on Vincent, do you mean that he would rather get the information he wants from Vincent, possibly because he's still harboring feelings for Diana and would rather kill him than her? Or do you mean that Matthew is attracted to Vincent?



#6 Ireth

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Posted 22 January 2015 - 10:25 AM

Whoa! Out of all the classics, you sure chose to take on a doozy. I applaud you and your idea. But for me, it raises some questions about Matthew and Diana: Was he a deacon before she was turned? If he finds another werewolf willing to betray his pack, will Matthew come after Diana himself? When you say that Mathew has a 'lustful eye' on Vincent, do you mean that he would rather get the information he wants from Vincent, possibly because he's still harboring feelings for Diana and would rather kill him than her? Or do you mean that Matthew is attracted to Vincent?

 

1) No, he became a deacon after she was turned, mostly to elevate his status and ensure his authority over her when she lived in the belltower. But also partly because of his orientation (see point 3).

 

2) I hadn't considered that, but it's a possibility. He will come after Diana himself though, either way.

 

3) Mostly because he's attracted to Vincent (he's bisexual). As my story's equivalent of Frollo, him falling for the bellringer's love interest was kind of inevitable. He figured becoming a celibate deacon would rid him of his desire for men, but he's wrong. (I'm working to divert any implications that gay/bi = evil [even though the values of the time period would dictate so] by also making Diana bisexual, and possibly giving her a lesbian friend on the good side of things, as well as not having her assume she was cursed to be a werewolf because she's bi.) I doubt Matthew holds any physical attraction to Diana anymore, being convinced that as a werewolf, she is a demon who can't be redeemed. He might try to get the information he needs from Vincent, since I'm dallying with the idea of Vincent being a reluctant messenger or spy for the werewolves without being one himself. But Matthew's reasons for keeping Diana alive rather than killing her the moment she was bitten are rather complex.


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#7 BlueRose280

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Posted 22 January 2015 - 10:35 AM

I know what you mean. When Disney was adapting Aladdin, they had to make sure that they weren't glamorizing stealing; that Aladdin only took what he needed to survive. Hence, the scene in which he gives the bread to the starving children. 



#8 Ireth

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Posted 24 January 2015 - 11:56 AM

First revision, with two options for the hook. Rip it to shreds!

 

#1: Diana Harrows never thought living in a cathedral would make her life hell.

 

#2: Diana Harrows may be a werewolf, but she is not a demon.

 

For six years Diana has been a captive in the tower of Leeds Parish Church, under the iron fist of her ex-fiancé turned deacon, Reverend Matthew Short. By day she rings the bells, and weaves tapestries to earn gold she never sees. By night she prays for release from her curse, and twines yarn into a rope to one day escape the cathedral. All the while Matthew plies her for information she doesn’t have: the location of the werewolves’ hidden lair.

 

After Diana sneaks into a church service against Matthew’s orders, she inadvertently leads a stranger right to her home. Vincent offers her friendship and vows to help her escape. But even as Diana sees her friendship with Vincent blossom into love, Matthew develops his own feelings for Vincent—lust. And if he can’t have Vincent, no one can.

 

Fleeing from Matthew lands Diana and Vincent among the werewolves, who are less than accepting of them for their ties to the deacon. As Matthew hunts them down with murder on his mind, Diana must choose whether to rally her kindred to fight, or give herself up for their sake—and for Vincent’s.

 

BELLRINGER is an XX,000-word fantasy reimagining of The Hunchback of Notre Dame. Thank you for your time and consideration.


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#9 evilenna

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Posted 24 January 2015 - 03:00 PM

This looks really good, but I keep stumbling over the fact that she can't escape. Maybe we need more information on your world. I think of werewolves as strong and therefore could easily overpower a human, jump from a high tower or break down a wooden door. Hope this helps and good luck!   


First 250 words for THE DOOR http://agentquerycon...door-ya-sci-fi/

Query for THE DOOR http://agentquerycon...door-ya-sci-fi/


#10 Ireth

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Posted 24 January 2015 - 03:05 PM

This looks really good, but I keep stumbling over the fact that she can't escape. Maybe we need more information on your world. I think of werewolves as strong and therefore could easily overpower a human, jump from a high tower or break down a wooden door. Hope this helps and good luck!   

 

Diana is strong, but she's also been physically and emotionally abused by her ex-fiance for the past six years, so she really isn't aware of what she's truly capable of. She's definitely not strong enough to survive a jump off a 140-foot tower, though. Hence the need for a rope. Also, I imagine Matthew had the door to her living quarters reinforced somehow to keep her from breaking it down, possibly with silver to hurt her if she ever tried.


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#11 wildouttacontrol

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Posted 25 January 2015 - 02:16 PM

First revision, with two options for the hook. Rip it to shreds!

 

#1: Diana Harrows never thought living in a cathedral would make her life hell.  Definitely this one.

 

#2: Diana Harrows may be a werewolf, but she is not a demon.

 

For six years Diana has been a captive in the tower of Leeds Parish Church, under the iron fist of her ex-fiancé turned deacon, Reverend Matthew Short. By day she rings the bells, and weaves tapestries to earn gold she never sees. By night she prays for release from her curse, and twines yarn into a rope to one day escape the cathedral. All the while Matthew plies (maybe change to something else, questions, interrogates, etc.  The first time I saw this I thought of ballet) her for information she doesn't have: the location of the werewolves’ hidden lair.

 

After Diana sneaks into a church service against Matthew’s orders, she inadvertently leads a stranger right to her home. Vincent offers her friendship and vows to help her escape.  (this is advice not from me, but from what I've read on QueryShark.  She, as a literary agent, cannot stand when authors just throw a name out there.  I know; I know.  Practically everyone can assume Vincent is the stranger using context clues.  I'm just saying what I've seen, because I personally have no problem with it.  I tried to go back and find her post, but I can't.  Take it with a grain of salt and some tequila.)  But even as Diana sees her friendship with Vincent blossom into love, but Matthew develops his own feelings for Vincent—lust. And if he can’t have Vincent, no one can. 

 

Fleeing from Matthew lands Diana and Vincent among the werewolves, who are less than accepting of them for their ties to the deacon. As Matthew hunts them down with murder on his mind, Diana must choose whether to rally her kindred to fight, or give herself up for their sake—and for Vincent’s. This is good, but maybe up the stakes.  Right now it seems kind of silly.  Why would she sacrifice herself, if she can rally her kind to fight?

 

BELLRINGER is an XX,000-word fantasy reimagining of The Hunchback of Notre Dame. Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

Thanks for reviewing my query earlier :) thought I'd return the favor.  Hope it helps.  As a side note I love the Hunchback of Notre Dame and would totally read this.

*Something witty placeholder*

 

"Finished" a query and would appreciate feedback

http://agentquerycon...a-actionsci-fi/


#12 Jeffrey

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Posted 25 January 2015 - 03:02 PM

Ireth, there's not much more that I can add except that I vote for the #1 hook. It's a killer hook and only ONE sentence long! I don't know how you do it? I'm jealous!

#13 sisabelle

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Posted 28 January 2015 - 01:08 PM

First revision, with two options for the hook. Rip it to shreds!

 

#1: Diana Harrows never thought living in a cathedral would make her life hell. (Love this hook!)

 

#2: Diana Harrows may be a werewolf, but she is not a demon.

 

For six years Diana has been a captive in the tower of Leeds Parish Church, under the iron fist of her ex-fiancé turned deacon, Reverend Matthew Short. By day she rings the bells, and weaves tapestries to earn gold she never sees. By night she prays for release from her curse, and twines yarn into a rope to one day escape the cathedral. All the while Matthew plies her for information she doesn’t have: the location of the werewolves’ hidden lair. (Great set-up; I get a sense of the characters, stakes, and the conflict.)

 

After Diana sneaks into a church service against Matthew’s orders, she inadvertently leads a stranger right to her home. Vincent offers her friendship and vows to help her escape. But even as Diana sees her friendship with Vincent blossom into love, Matthew develops his own feelings for Vincent—lust. And if he can’t have Vincent, no one can. (It feels like something's missing in Vincent's development. I can't really tell why Diana and Matthew are so interested in him, which makes me not interested in him.) 

 

Fleeing from Matthew lands Diana and Vincent among the werewolves, who are less than accepting of them for their ties to the deacon. As Matthew hunts them down with murder on his mind, Diana must choose whether to rally her kindred to fight, or give herself up for their sake—and for Vincent’s. (So, if I'm reading correctly, Diana would give herself up to keep the werewolves' lair a secret from Matthew, right? I think that point could be clearer. Also, why exactly is the relationship b/w the wolves and Matthew so strained? My mind goes straight to the assumption that he wants to kill them, but it's not clear in the query.)

 

BELLRINGER is an XX,000-word fantasy reimagining of The Hunchback of Notre Dame. Thank you for your time and consideration. (Not really a critique but I love the title!)

 

 

Overall, this sounds amazing and I am also in awe of your hook-writing skills! Good luck!


Looking for feedback on my YA query!


#14 Temeraire

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Posted 28 January 2015 - 08:31 PM

#1: Diana Harrows never thought living in a cathedral would make her life hell. Definitely this hook. 

 

#2: Diana Harrows may be a werewolf, but she is not a demon.

 

For six years Diana has been a captive in the tower of Leeds Parish Church, under the iron fist of her ex-fiancé turned deacon, Reverend Matthew Short. By day she rings the bells, and weaves tapestries to earn gold she never sees. By night she prays for release from her curse, and twines yarn into a rope to one day escape the cathedral. All the while Matthew plies her for information she doesn’t have: the location of the werewolves’ hidden lair. 

 

After Diana sneaks into a church service against Matthew’s orders, she inadvertently leads a stranger right to her home. Vincent offers her friendship, and vows to help her escape. But even as Diana sees her friendship with Vincent blossom into love, Matthew develops his own feelings for Vincent—lust. And if he can’t have Vincent, no one can.

 

Fleeing from Matthew lands Diana and Vincent among the werewolves, who are less than accepting of them for their ties to the deacon. As Matthew hunts them down with murder on his mind, Diana must choose whether to rally her kindred to fight, or give herself up for their sake—and for Vincent’s.

 

BELLRINGER is an XX,000-word fantasy reimagining of The Hunchback of Notre Dame. Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

 

 

This is muchly cool, and it's a really nifty-sounding reworking. However, some elements could perhaps be explained a bit more, like the time period/setting. Setting it in Leeds for some reason made me think modern day, and its being a retelling made me think it was modern, but gold and tapestries sound medieval. I think showing the setting more could add more colour and attraction.

 

Also, werewolves. They come out of nowhere, and it's not explained why Matthew wants to know about them, or how Diana knows about them, and it's not until the very final lines of the query that it's said that Diana herself is a werewolf. I think it would be best to say immediately that she is a werewolf, because then it gives clues about why she would know about their lair, and possibly why Matthew is now her ex; and also it's a major part of her character, so revealing it casually at the end suddenly changes the whole dynamic of the story. 


If I've helped you with your query/other, I'd love it if you would take a look at mine! 

 

A MEMORY OF TWISTED THINGS (contemporary fantasy)

Query letter

 

THE NEVER KING (wild west arthurian retelling)

Query letter

 


#15 anah+theshadowaccomplice

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Posted 29 January 2015 - 05:38 PM

First revision, with two options for the hook. Rip it to shreds!

 

#1: Diana Harrows never thought living in a cathedral would make her life hell. Definitely this hook out of the two. It's a pretty cool hook, with that nice touch of irony.

 

#2: Diana Harrows may be a werewolf, but she is not a demon.

 

For six years Diana has been a captive in the tower of Leeds Parish Church, under the iron fist-- while this does give an image of Rev Short, but it does make this starting sentence a little long. Mabye just a simple "by"... of her ex-fiancé turned deacon, Reverend Matthew Short. By day she rings the bells, and weaves tapestries to earn gold she never sees. By night she prays for release from her curse, and twines yarn into a rope to one day escape the cathedral. All the while Matthew plies her for information she doesn’t have: the location of the werewolves’ hidden lair.

 

After Diana sneaks into a church service against Matthew’s orders, she inadvertently leads a stranger right to her home.I was reading earlier comments and someone said something about wondering why she couldn't escape. I wasn't worried about it until I really thought this part over. She can sneak into a church service in broad daylihgt, when Short would be very busy, but can't escape? Vincent offers her friendship and vows to help her escape. But even as Diana sees her friendship with Vincent blossom into love, Matthew develops his own feelings for Vincent—lust. And if he can’t have Vincent, no one can Ah... that delightfully creepy undertone from Hunchback, glad to see it will be there :)

 

Fleeing from Matthew lands Diana and Vincent among the werewolves, who are less than accepting of them for their ties to the deacon. As Matthew hunts them down with murder on his mind, Diana must choose whether to rally her kindred to fight, or give herself up for their sake—and for Vincent’s. (I'm not sure what I think about this last line... It confused me a little and didn't really grab me as much as the hook)

 

BELLRINGER is an XX,000-word fantasy reimagining of The Hunchback of Notre Dame. Thank you for your time and consideration.

This sounds like a really excellent idea. I like how you have changed up the dynamics of the story. Good luck!


My Query Letter: Killing Crow

check us out at http://paperweighted...ial.tumblr.com/


#16 shadehollow

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Posted 30 January 2015 - 10:03 PM

First revision, with two options for the hook. Rip it to shreds!

 

#1: Diana Harrows never thought living in a cathedral would make her life hell. I love this one. I think it stands out more and relates better back to the book. But I keep wanting to add "that" to it, as in "never thought that living in a cathedral" It just reads more fluidly to me.

 

#2: Diana Harrows may be a werewolf, but she is not a demon.

 

For six years Diana has been a captive in the tower of Leeds Parish Church, under the iron fist of her ex-fiancé turned deacon, Reverend Matthew Short. By day she rings the bells, I'd get rid of the comma and weaves tapestries to earn gold she never sees. By night she prays for release from her curse, no comma and twines yarn into a rope to one day escape the cathedral. All the while Matthew plies her for information she doesn’t have: the location of the werewolves’ hidden lair.

 

After Diana sneaks into a church service against Matthew’s orders, she inadvertently leads a stranger right to her home. Vincent offers her friendship and vows to help her escape. But even as Diana sees her friendship with Vincent blossoming into love, Matthew develops his own feelings for Vincent—lust. And if he can’t have Vincent, no one can.

 

Fleeing from Matthew lands Diana and Vincent among the werewolves, who are less than accepting of them for their ties to the deacon. As Matthew hunts them down with murder on his mind I'd rephrase this, Diana must choose whether to rally her kindred to fight, or give herself up for their sake—and for Vincent’s.

 

BELLRINGER is an XX,000-word fantasy reimagining of The Hunchback of Notre Dame. Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

I really, really love this idea and I think that your query is already looking really good



#17 Ireth

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Posted 30 January 2015 - 11:28 PM

Second revision! You'll notice I genderflipped Vincent into Valerie -- this is to avoid any unfortunate implications that "gay/bi = evil" with regards to Matthew's lust. I dunno if anyone got that idea in the query, but I still want to keep it from popping up in the novel.

 

On another note, I'm having trouble with inserting the timeframe of the novel (late Elizabethan) into the query smoothly. Thoughts?

 

 

Diana Harrows never thought living in a cathedral would make her life hell.

 

For six years Diana’s ex-fiancé turned deacon, Reverend Matthew Short, has held her captive in the tower of Leeds Parish Church. By day she rings the bells, and weaves tapestries to earn gold she never sees. By night she prays for release from her curse, and twines yarn into rope to one day escape the cathedral. All the while Matthew torments her for information she doesn’t have—the location of her fellow werewolves’ hidden lair—to fulfill his genocidal agenda against what he sees as irredeemable demons.

 

After Diana defies orders and sneaks into a church service, she inadvertently leads a choir member, Valerie Richards, right to her home. Valerie is everything Matthew isn’t; she treats Diana with nothing but kindness and respect, heals wounds rather than inflicting them, and accepts Diana for who and what she is. Most importantly, she vows to help Diana escape. Diana sees her friendship with Valerie blossom into love, but Matthew develops his own feelings for Valerie: lust. And if he can’t have her, no one can.

 

Fleeing from Matthew lands Diana and Valerie among the werewolves, who are less than accepting of them for their ties to the deacon. As Matthew hunts them down with murder on his mind, Diana must choose whether to save herself and Valerie by leaving her people to die, or rally them to fight for their lives.

 

BELLRINGER is an XX,000-word LGBT fantasy reimagining of The Hunchback of Notre Dame. Thank you for your time and consideration.


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#18 Ajax

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Posted 31 January 2015 - 12:33 AM

Second revision! You'll notice I genderflipped Vincent into Valerie -- this is to avoid any unfortunate implications that "gay/bi = evil" with regards to Matthew's lust. I dunno if anyone got that idea in the query, but I still want to keep it from popping up in the novel.

On another note, I'm having trouble with inserting the timeframe of the novel (late Elizabethan) into the query smoothly. Thoughts? I would add the notions of the late Elizabethan era that synchronize with the story. E.g. : How was sexuality viewed by the society?


Diana Harrows never thought living in a cathedral would make her life hell. I'm hooked. It has a Christian vibe.

For six years Diana’s ex-fiancé turned deacon, Reverend Matthew Short, has held her captive in the tower of Leeds Parish Church. By day she rings the bells, and weaves tapestries to earn gold she never sees. By night she prays for release from her curse What curse?, and twines yarn into rope to one day escape the cathedral. All the while Matthew torments her for information she doesn’t have—the location of her fellow werewolves’ hidden lair—to fulfill his genocidal agenda against what he sees as irredeemable demons.

After Diana defies orders and sneaks into a church service, she inadvertently leads a choir member, Valerie Richards, right to her home. Valerie is everything Matthew isn’t; she treats Diana with nothing but kindness and respect, heals wounds rather than inflicting them, and accepts Diana for who and what she is. Most importantly, she vows to help Diana escape. Diana sees her friendship with Valerie blossom into love What about Valerie's feelings? Does she love Diana?, but Matthew develops his own feelings for Valerie: lust. And if he can’t have her, no one can. So, Mathew targets Valerie because he sees her as a competition. Is this a love triangle?

Fleeing from Matthew lands Diana and Valerie among the werewolves, who are less than accepting of them for their ties to the deacon.
<----You could paraphrase this.
As Matthew hunts them down with murder on his mind, Diana must choose whether to save herself<-------From getting captured or getting murdered? and Valerie by leaving her people to die, or rally them to fight for their lives.

BELLRINGER is an XX,000-word LGBT fantasy reimagining of The Hunchback of Notre Dame. Thank you for your time and consideration.


Initially, I thought that the story was about a nun imprisoned in a church; where she is abused and whatnot.

The actual version is way better. :)

Good luck!

#19 rose77

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Posted 31 January 2015 - 03:44 PM

Second revision! You'll notice I genderflipped Vincent into Valerie -- this is to avoid any unfortunate implications that "gay/bi = evil" with regards to Matthew's lust. I dunno if anyone got that idea in the query, but I still want to keep it from popping up in the novel.

 

On another note, I'm having trouble with inserting the timeframe of the novel (late Elizabethan) into the query smoothly. Thoughts?

 

 

Diana Harrows never thought living in a cathedral would make her life hell.

 

For six years Diana’s ex-fiancé turned deacon, Reverend Matthew Short, has held her captive in the tower of Leeds Parish Church. By day she rings the bells, and weaves tapestries to earn gold she never sees. By night she prays for release from her curse, and twines yarn into rope to one day escape the cathedral. All the while Matthew torments her for information she doesn’t have—the location of her fellow werewolves’ hidden lair—to fulfill his genocidal agenda against what he sees as irredeemable demons.

 

After Diana defies orders and sneaks into a church service, she inadvertently leads a choir member, Valerie Richards, right to her home. Valerie is everything Matthew isn’t; she treats Diana with nothing but kindness and respect, heals wounds rather than inflicting them, and accepts Diana for who and what she is. Most importantly, she vows to help Diana escape. Diana sees her friendship with Valerie blossom into love, but Matthew develops his own feelings for Valerie: lust. (I assumed that he already felt this way towards her since they used to be engaged. This is the only line in the query that threw me) And if he can’t have her, no one can.

 

Fleeing from Matthew lands Diana and Valerie among the werewolves, who are less than accepting of them for their ties to the deacon. As Matthew hunts them down with murder on his mind, Diana must choose whether to save herself and Valerie by leaving her people to die, or rally them to fight for their lives.

 

BELLRINGER is an XX,000-word LGBT fantasy reimagining of The Hunchback of Notre Dame. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Great query!!! This is very well-written.



#20 Ireth

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Posted 31 January 2015 - 03:46 PM

Thanks, rose77! You misunderstand Matthew's feelings, though; Matthew was originally engaged to Diana, but he dumped her after she became a werewolf. Now Matthew is falling in lust with Valerie. Matthew and Valerie had no previous relationship of any sort.


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/





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