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The Most Important Sentence Game aka The RJ Stewart Game


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#21 Lanette Kauten

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Posted 14 August 2015 - 05:15 PM

Pg 15/ L 16 TELL HER I LOVE HER (current WIP):

 

Casey often kept her head down and spoke in quiet tones, if she spoke at all. That’s why their friendship lasted. 



#22 MZM

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Posted 14 August 2015 - 11:25 PM

15-16 of new WiP:

 

Why did she have to sound so concerned? Alysis wondered. Why make it so hard to dislike her?

 

Maria



#23 dimple_doo

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Posted 16 August 2015 - 12:05 AM

Thanks everyone for your feedback! 

Lanette- I'm afraid I don't have much to say about yours lol

@MZM- Not sure if it's a copy and paste type deal, but instead of saying "Alysis wondered", it may be more effective to have her thoughts in italics. And you could really put your characters voice into it. Like: Why does she have to make it so hard for me to dislike her? (Character's name)'s concerned tone made Alysis simultaneously want to hug her and push her away. Just suggestions, but I'm sure you get what I mean? It'll bring the reader in a bit more.



#24 RSMellette

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    Billy Bobble Makes A Magic Wand, Dec. 2014 Elephant's Bookshelf Press

Posted 06 October 2015 - 12:55 PM

Okay, as I type this it is 10:49, and as everyone knows, the most important sentence of a book is the 9th line on page 104.

 

Here's mine from BILLY BOBBLE AND THE WITCH HUNT - which should be out right about the time you finish reading BILLY BOBBLE MAKES A MAGIC WAND.

 

It's in the Quantum World, she thought back at him. That means it's everywhere and nowhere all at once.

 

NOTE: if you've already read BILLY BOBBLE MAKES A MAGIC WAND - this line could relate to how that book ends.  :smile: 


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51xExIpByyL._SS140_SH35_.jpg51n1zBAR2vL._SS140_SH35_.jpg

by R.S. Mellette

"WOW. That is the first word that comes to mind when I think about how I felt reading this book - WOW. I was so pleasantly surprised - oh, let's be honest, it was more like blown away!" -- Holy B. In NC, Amazon Review.


#25 Ann Robertson

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Posted 10 October 2015 - 05:02 PM

I had to cheat a little. I have no line 9 on page 104, but I do have line 9 on page 103  :wink:  From WIP.

 

“What's happening? Why is my arm swel....” cried Jace, as his body shook violently and his eyes fluttered back into his head.


Luck is where Preparation meets Opportunity. :biggrin:


#26 RSMellette

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    Billy Bobble Makes A Magic Wand, Dec. 2014 Elephant's Bookshelf Press

Posted 11 October 2015 - 11:31 PM

Absolutely nothing wrong with with your line, Ann - either in how you found it or how it reads...

 

...but...

 

I've personally never been a fan of [quote], s/he said, as [phrase].

 

Any time I see that in my first drafts, I think, "how can I make that stronger?"

 

Case in point.

 

“What's happening? Why is my arm swel....” Jace's body shook so violently he couldn't finish his question. Then his eyes fluttered back into his head.

 

Of course, it's just a matter of opinion. :) 


From Elephant's Bookshelf Press

 

51xExIpByyL._SS140_SH35_.jpg51n1zBAR2vL._SS140_SH35_.jpg

by R.S. Mellette

"WOW. That is the first word that comes to mind when I think about how I felt reading this book - WOW. I was so pleasantly surprised - oh, let's be honest, it was more like blown away!" -- Holy B. In NC, Amazon Review.


#27 RSMellette

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    Billy Bobble Makes A Magic Wand, Dec. 2014 Elephant's Bookshelf Press

Posted 23 September 2016 - 11:51 AM

In honor of the release of book 2 in the Billy Bobble series, let's bump this thread back up.

 

The way this editing game works. Someone tosses out a page and line number. Post that sentence. If you feel like offering an edit to someone else's line, great. If not, post your own. If the thread gets tired, call out a new page and line.

 

Let's do page 99. First line.

 

From Billy Bobble And The Witch Hunt

 

They all recognized the surname.


From Elephant's Bookshelf Press

 

51xExIpByyL._SS140_SH35_.jpg51n1zBAR2vL._SS140_SH35_.jpg

by R.S. Mellette

"WOW. That is the first word that comes to mind when I think about how I felt reading this book - WOW. I was so pleasantly surprised - oh, let's be honest, it was more like blown away!" -- Holy B. In NC, Amazon Review.


#28 RSMellette

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    Billy Bobble Makes A Magic Wand, Dec. 2014 Elephant's Bookshelf Press

Posted 22 November 2016 - 08:16 PM

You guys are no fun. :P

 

Bump. ;)


From Elephant's Bookshelf Press

 

51xExIpByyL._SS140_SH35_.jpg51n1zBAR2vL._SS140_SH35_.jpg

by R.S. Mellette

"WOW. That is the first word that comes to mind when I think about how I felt reading this book - WOW. I was so pleasantly surprised - oh, let's be honest, it was more like blown away!" -- Holy B. In NC, Amazon Review.


#29 Thrash

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Posted 26 November 2016 - 02:22 PM

AHBT
"Precisely, madam. Until they give me the right to marry, I refuse to shoot the fucking things. I expect them to cave any day now."

 

MC

Best thing I ever did. I was a shit mother. Guess I had a moment of clarity. 

 

NC

She couldn’t imagine why any of them would risk their own license, the status and reputation of the shop—her shop—for an extra few hundred bucks here and there. 



#30 Ann Robertson

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Posted 19 December 2016 - 06:51 PM

From page 99 first line of DB

 

 

Snob. Cocky. Smug. 


Luck is where Preparation meets Opportunity. :biggrin:


#31 RSMellette

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    Billy Bobble Makes A Magic Wand, Dec. 2014 Elephant's Bookshelf Press

Posted 20 December 2016 - 03:37 PM

From page 99 first line of DB

 

 

Snob. Cocky. Smug. 

 

Awesome!


From Elephant's Bookshelf Press

 

51xExIpByyL._SS140_SH35_.jpg51n1zBAR2vL._SS140_SH35_.jpg

by R.S. Mellette

"WOW. That is the first word that comes to mind when I think about how I felt reading this book - WOW. I was so pleasantly surprised - oh, let's be honest, it was more like blown away!" -- Holy B. In NC, Amazon Review.


#32 Thrash

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Posted 22 December 2016 - 03:10 PM

From page 99 first line of DB

 

 

Snob. Cocky. Smug. 

This jumped out at me--it may not matter in the context of the whole, but there's a parallelism issue here--- Noun, Adj, Adj. ?  It's one of those things though you can choose to ignore for the sound of the thing. 



#33 clpolk

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Posted 25 December 2016 - 06:53 PM

from page 99, line 1:

 

"I don't have power over my father, unless I have something he needs." I looked at my hands. "He's sick, isn't he."



#34 RSMellette

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    Billy Bobble Makes A Magic Wand, Dec. 2014 Elephant's Bookshelf Press

Posted 28 December 2016 - 04:26 PM

Nice... question. Why the look to the hands? I realize you want a beat between the two sentences, but is the hands line relevant in other ways?


From Elephant's Bookshelf Press

 

51xExIpByyL._SS140_SH35_.jpg51n1zBAR2vL._SS140_SH35_.jpg

by R.S. Mellette

"WOW. That is the first word that comes to mind when I think about how I felt reading this book - WOW. I was so pleasantly surprised - oh, let's be honest, it was more like blown away!" -- Holy B. In NC, Amazon Review.


#35 clpolk

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Posted 28 December 2016 - 08:44 PM

He's a healer. Well. And a doctor. But he has to touch his patients to use his magic on them. 



#36 RSMellette

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    Billy Bobble Makes A Magic Wand, Dec. 2014 Elephant's Bookshelf Press

Posted 29 December 2016 - 01:11 PM

Cool


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by R.S. Mellette

"WOW. That is the first word that comes to mind when I think about how I felt reading this book - WOW. I was so pleasantly surprised - oh, let's be honest, it was more like blown away!" -- Holy B. In NC, Amazon Review.


#37 Gibber

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Posted 30 December 2016 - 12:18 AM

"Sigy," young Barrows says and his voice has gone all reedy like it does when he's flustered. "Get out here.”



#38 RSMellette

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    Billy Bobble Makes A Magic Wand, Dec. 2014 Elephant's Bookshelf Press

Posted 02 January 2017 - 04:03 PM

Okay. So it's a new year so let's go with page 1, line 1.

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by R.S. Mellette

"WOW. That is the first word that comes to mind when I think about how I felt reading this book - WOW. I was so pleasantly surprised - oh, let's be honest, it was more like blown away!" -- Holy B. In NC, Amazon Review.


#39 RSMellette

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    Billy Bobble Makes A Magic Wand, Dec. 2014 Elephant's Bookshelf Press

Posted 02 January 2017 - 04:04 PM

"Sigy," young Barrows says and his voice has gone all reedy like it does when he's flustered. "Get out here.”


Very voicey ... which is a great thing.

From Elephant's Bookshelf Press

 

51xExIpByyL._SS140_SH35_.jpg51n1zBAR2vL._SS140_SH35_.jpg

by R.S. Mellette

"WOW. That is the first word that comes to mind when I think about how I felt reading this book - WOW. I was so pleasantly surprised - oh, let's be honest, it was more like blown away!" -- Holy B. In NC, Amazon Review.


#40 Ann Robertson

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Posted 02 January 2017 - 05:04 PM

WIP page 1 line 1

 

            Small speaks of light seeped through the notched holes to reveal the deserted belly of a ship.


Luck is where Preparation meets Opportunity. :biggrin:





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