66 replies to this topic

[RSMellette]

Page 1 line 1 from a WIP called "Twist"

 

An astute reader may notice that this story begins some years ago, which should be no surprise, as one may never know how much time passes between when words are set on the page and when they might be gobbled up by the reader. 

 

hmmmm... needs work.

[clpolk]

Page 1, line 1:

 

The memo stank of barrel-printing ink and bad news. 

[clpolk]

And from the first short story I've written in ten years: 

 

I was somebody's firstborn child.

[RSMellette]

And from the first short story I've written in ten years: 

 

I was somebody's firstborn child.

 

That's an awesome opening line.

[clpolk]

woot! It's not often I hit a good one so early in the process. thanks!

[Gibber]

clpolk: I like both of them, but there's something wonderfully pessimistic about the "stank of ink and bad news" that I adore.

 

Here's mine (for now):

 

The dogs are missing.

[clpolk]

I want to know why they're missing.

[JeffJustWrites]

From the opening entry of "The Personal Account of Darius Carlyle":

"I myself am an affront to the human condition."

[Thrash]

Page 1 line 1 from a WIP called "Twist"

 

An astute reader may notice that this story begins some years ago, which should be no surprise, as one may never know how much time passes between when words are set on the page and when they might be gobbled up gobbled?  Going for a comic tone? by the reader. 

 

hmmmm... needs work.

I think the conceit to the reader makes this a bit wordy, and could be subtext.  With the cuts I did above, it's still obvious the author is speaking directly to the reader. 

[RSMellette]

Thanks, Thrash. This is actually based on a Dickens story, so there is the challenge of capturing his feel, if not his voice, in a modern piece. 

[RSMellette]

Okay... let's do another one...

 

It's 2017, so how about page 20 line 17:

 

From my current - maybe a new WIP:

 

"That is sweet!"

[Sassalota]

I want to play. From my current book.  

“You’re going to burn down the place?”

[Thrash]

"Go to hell" 

[RSMellette]

Yeah, okay fine, Thrashers, but what is your sentence? :)

[clpolk]

Not without a cure, or even confirmation of what I hardly dared think: that the veterans in my hospital unit and Cpl. James Barclay had more in common than their combat service.

[RSMellette]

I was talking about this game the other day, and much it can help with editing, even though it's just one sentence... So let's bring it back:

 

The most important sentence of any manuscript is on page 10, line 10. Here's mine from my current WIP.

 

"They're fighting for the Angel of the Apocalypse."

 

See... told ya! :)

 

What sentence is on your page 10, line 10?

[lnloft]

"She's being mean to me," Ross complained.

 

Actually, this already helped me. I was just reflecting that if you'd picked one line up it would have been a more fun out-of-context sentence, which then made me notice that said sentence could be streamlined slightly, so, yay, edits.

[RSMellette]

"She's being mean to me," Ross complained.

 

Actually, this already helped me. I was just reflecting that if you'd picked one line up it would have been a more fun out-of-context sentence, which then made me notice that said sentence could be streamlined slightly, so, yay, edits.

 

 

That's awesome!

 

I don't know why more people don't play this game. We used to do it all the time here back in the day. Now, most of the people who used to play have agents and/or been published. Coincidence?  I don't think s... okay, yeah, probably. 

[DisgruntledWriter]

“Well, good.  I guess it’s all a roll of the dice, hey Jack?  Apples and oranges.”

 

Yup, I see a word I can delete.

[spineofiron]

She savored the stitch in her side as she collected her breath, a familiar pain that evoked midnight raids and cannon duels, tavern brawls and clashing steel.

 

My style does tend toward the slightly lyrical, so I'm okay with the uncommon structure of this one -- and I liked writing this line because it's a good exposition on the sorts of things my MC does as a pirate. And it also reflects a lot of things to come later in the manuscript: stealing back a map from the enemy, brawling in a tavern, sword fights, and sea battles as well.