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The Most Important Sentence Game aka The RJ Stewart Game


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#61 RSMellette

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    Billy Bobble Makes A Magic Wand, Dec. 2014 Elephant's Bookshelf Press

Posted 15 May 2018 - 02:58 PM

It's the ides of May, so let's go page 15 line 5.

 

From my current WIP

 

I shouted over the noise of the wind and the raging battle.


From Elephant's Bookshelf Press

 

51xExIpByyL._SS140_SH35_.jpg51n1zBAR2vL._SS140_SH35_.jpg

by R.S. Mellette

"WOW. That is the first word that comes to mind when I think about how I felt reading this book - WOW. I was so pleasantly surprised - oh, let's be honest, it was more like blown away!" -- Holy B. In NC, Amazon Review.


#62 DisgruntledWriter

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Posted 15 May 2018 - 06:54 PM

Ooh - very interesting line.  Makes me wanna know more about what's happening.

 

Mine is:

 

 

“Money, money, pay up.”

 

How... dull in comparison, haha.



#63 JDSmith

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Posted 15 May 2018 - 09:04 PM

Lol I busted out laughing at yours, Disgruntled. It sounded so comedic in my head. 

 

Mine is:

 

 

"Bentley hops in and sits down in the passenger's seat, excited to go for a drive."


I'd really appreciate help with my query: Iris Mjolnir Spawn of War

 

First 250 words here: Woooo

 

Write on!


#64 RSMellette

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    Billy Bobble Makes A Magic Wand, Dec. 2014 Elephant's Bookshelf Press

Posted 17 May 2018 - 03:19 PM

Should I cut the 3rd "the"?


From Elephant's Bookshelf Press

 

51xExIpByyL._SS140_SH35_.jpg51n1zBAR2vL._SS140_SH35_.jpg

by R.S. Mellette

"WOW. That is the first word that comes to mind when I think about how I felt reading this book - WOW. I was so pleasantly surprised - oh, let's be honest, it was more like blown away!" -- Holy B. In NC, Amazon Review.


#65 DisgruntledWriter

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Posted 17 May 2018 - 05:17 PM

Should I cut the 3rd "the"?

 

For me the third "the" is what made the line.  You have "oh yeah, the noise of the wind, typical" and then "woah, raging battle!" Without the "the" it just lumps together as one thing and doesn't sound as strong in my opinion. 



#66 RSMellette

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    Billy Bobble Makes A Magic Wand, Dec. 2014 Elephant's Bookshelf Press

Posted 17 May 2018 - 08:51 PM

That's for the second set of eyes.


From Elephant's Bookshelf Press

 

51xExIpByyL._SS140_SH35_.jpg51n1zBAR2vL._SS140_SH35_.jpg

by R.S. Mellette

"WOW. That is the first word that comes to mind when I think about how I felt reading this book - WOW. I was so pleasantly surprised - oh, let's be honest, it was more like blown away!" -- Holy B. In NC, Amazon Review.


#67 lnloft

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Posted 18 May 2018 - 08:24 PM

Okay, I'm going to cheat slightly, because page 15 of my manuscript is the end of a chapter and there's only one full sentence on line 5 ("Run!"), so I'm going to take the sentence that starts on line 4 and barely bleeds over.

 

"Voidbanes are through!"


Nothing to reciprocate on right now; I'm off in the query trenches.





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