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#1 Skaren24

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Posted 02 March 2011 - 10:11 AM

When Sara, a young single mother, wakes up in a hospital and doesn’t remember anything, and can’t even recognize her mangled face, she is sent to The Manor, a live-in rehabilitation center where she starts do discover herself while falling in love with the man who took her past from her.

After waking up from an accident she has no memory of, Sara discovers she remembers nothing from her life. Not her family, her son or even her own face. Seth, knowing he caused the accident and all of Sara’s current problems, decided to secretly give Sara a large payout as well as pay for her medical expenses. But what he doesn’t realize is that by sending her to the best rehabilitation center, the same one he’ll be at, there is no escape from the girl or his feeling for her. And for Sara, being able to discover who she truly is with no influences from family or friends isn’t as easy as it first seemed, especially when you realize the man she fell in love with has secrets he doesn’t want her to find out. Will Sara discover the man she loves took everything from her? And will the “new” Sara be able to forgive Seth for all he’s taken from her?

I am a mother of four with a film degree who enjoyed writing in my spare time. “The Manor” (a working title) is a story I have been working on for a while now. I hope you enjoy it as much as I have enjoyed writing it.
Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.
Kind Regards,

#2 Tom Bradley

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Posted 02 March 2011 - 10:20 AM

Some things you're missing...
The book's word count and genre. (Also, your title should be in all caps.)
What current books/authors on the market is it similar to?
What is your publishing history?

#3 Skaren24

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Posted 02 March 2011 - 11:05 AM

I actually don't have any publishing history. I wasnt sure if I should include that information or just leave it out.

#4 ZKM

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Posted 02 March 2011 - 11:11 AM

I think you could rework your hook for maximum impact. The elements are there: memory loss, mangled face, falling for the guy that did it to her. These are intriguing building blocks, but the way your sentence reads right now is too cumbersome.

Paragraph two also just kinds of restates the same pieces. So maybe find something new to highlight? You call this a romance, and while I'm getting the uh-oh of going for the wrong man, I'm not feeling a lot of intense emotion. Make this more intense, more alive, let me feel some of the angst of this love. Clearly, it has done, and continues to do tremendous damage to your characters. Let some of that through in your query.

My last thought is that there seemed to be a confusing use of past tense throughout. Particularly in your bio. You "enjoyed" writing? You don't anymore? As a rule, I've heard that it works better to stick to present tense in these things.

I think there is promise here. I sense a gripping tale lurking under the surface, you just have to coax it out a little more.

#5 Lori Sjoberg

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Posted 02 March 2011 - 11:38 AM

When Sara, a young single mother, wakes up in a hospital and doesn’t remember anything, and can’t even recognize her mangled face, she is sent to The Manor, a live-in rehabilitation center where she starts do discover herself while falling in love with the man who took her past from her.<Tighten your hook to maximize the impact.

After waking up from an accident<What kind? she has no memory of, Sara discovers she remembers nothing from her life. Not her family, her son or even her own face. Seth, knowing he caused the accident and all of Sara’s current problems, decided to secretly give Sara a large payout as well as pay for her medical expenses.<Does he know Sara prior to the accident? But what he doesn’t realize is that by sending her to the best rehabilitation center, the same one he’ll be at, there is no escape from the girl or his feeling for her.<What feelings? Guilt? Love? And for Sara, being able to discover who she truly is with no influences from family or friends isn’t as easy as it first seemed, especially when you realize the man she fell in love with has secrets he doesn’t want her to find out. Will Sara discover the man she loves took everything from her? And will the “new” Sara be able to forgive Seth for all he’s taken from her?<Rework your questions into statements. Something along the lines of, "When Sara learns the truth about Seth's deception, she must decide if she can forgive him for his betrayal."

THE MANOR is a <insert genre> complete at <# words>. I am a mother of four with a film degree who enjoyed writing in my spare time. “The Manor” (a working title) is a story I have been working on for a while now. I hope you enjoy it as much as I have enjoyed writing it.Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.
Kind Regards,


Good luck!




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