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CHILD GOD ( Suspense)


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#141 Moonshade

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Posted 29 June 2011 - 06:13 PM

Let's take a look at querying this as an adult novel, since that's the direction you said you were heading in.

Lucky Version 13. Thanks to each and every one of you for your comments, suggestions, edits and encouragement. You guys have helped me more than you'll ever know. This version is only tweaked, but I think I'm finally closing in on it. What do you think?

Dear Ms. Agent:


Ninth-graderTwelve-year-old Angela Dawn’s summerI'd almost change this to 'life', just because her entire existence changes afterwards. changes radically when her arrogant and hyper-intelligent classmate Roy Wiley agrees to tutor her in math. It becomes exciting, exhilarating…

Dangerous.

Roy dreams of saving all the world’s children from famine, disease, war and abuse. The Boy Genius has a gift for seeing things in a rare and enlightening way, brimming with potential. He shares his unique perspective with Angela, giving her a glimpse into the mind of a true prodigy and the lightning connections that illuminate his world. Beautiful line. But she also sees darkness. The mind of Roy Wiley can turn anything from a pizza pie to a toy helicopter into a powerful and dangerous weapon, and he talks constantly of adults- and the harm they do to children with their secrets and lies.

Angela tries to help Roy control his obsessions, but after bullies attack him, Roy strikes back, and the reprisals and counter-reprisals grow more and more violent. Angela’s attempts to stop the cycle result in her friends abandoning her and Roy’s enemies targeting her as well. Amid the escalating violence, Angela discovers that the bullies aren’t quite who she thought they were, and realizes that the line between genius and madness may be about to disappear. No adult will believe her suspicions, so Angela Dawn must decide alone whether or not, in his zeal to save the world, Roy Wiley may be hiding the darkest secret of all.

CHILD GOD is my YA Suspense novel, complete at 90,000 words. Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,



I can definitely see what you mean about our stories being similar-- and this one sounds fascinating. You've taken our shared premise in the direction of V for Vendetta, while I'm attempting to move in a Phantom of the Opera direction. This sounds awesome.

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#142 bkeats

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Posted 30 June 2011 - 12:02 PM

Thank you for digging this out from the basement, Moonshade. Your tweaks are pretty much how I've decided to go, in line with the manuscript's new (actually, original) direction.

I can definitely see what you mean about our stories being similar-- and this one sounds fascinating. You've taken our shared premise in the direction of V for Vendetta, while I'm attempting to move in a Phantom of the Opera direction. This sounds awesome.


Ha! Never thought of it that way (not really familiar though with either the comic or film version of V), but you may be right. These are sister stories, no doubt. Perhaps we could corral a few others and combine them in an anthology, Those Bad-Ass Kids.

:cool:



#143 wendywtw

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Posted 30 June 2011 - 05:57 PM

Dear Ms. Agent:

Ninth-grader Angela Dawn’s summer changes radically when her arrogant and hyper-intelligent classmate Roy Wiley agrees to tutor her in math. It (The season) becomes exciting, exhilarating. (And) dangerous. (I don't know if you want use elipses here. It seems to take away from your hook.)

Roy dreams of saving all the world’s children from famine, disease, war and abuse. The Boy Genius has a gift for seeing things in a rare and enlightening way, brimming with potential. He shares his unique perspective with Angela, giving her a glimpse into the mind of a true prodigy and the lightning connections that illuminate his world. But she also sees darkness. (Love this line!) The mind of Roy Wiley can turn anything from a pizza pie to a toy helicopter into a powerful and dangerous weapon, and he talks constantly of adults- and the harm they do to children with their secrets and lies.

Angela tries to help Roy control his obsessions, but after bullies attack him, Roy strikes back, and the reprisals and counter-reprisals grow more and more violent. Angela’s attempts to stop the cycle result in her friends abandoning her and Roy’s enemies targeting her as well. Amid the escalating violence, Angela discovers that the bullies aren’t quite who she thought they were, and realizes that the line between genius and madness may be about to disappear. No adult will believe her suspicions, so Angela Dawn must decide alone whether or not, in his zeal to save the world, Roy Wiley may be hiding the darkest secret of all.

It's a great query. I'd love to read the MS.

#144 bkeats

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Posted 01 July 2011 - 08:11 AM

Moonshade, wendy- thanks for your comments. I'm keeping "summer" in only because I want to emphasize that the entire novel takes place within the span of one summer.

So. Version 14. Minor tweaks, but more-or-less good to go, I think.

Dear Ms. Agent:

Twelve-year-old Angela Dawn’s summer changes radically when her arrogant and hyper-intelligent classmate Roy Wiley agrees to tutor her in math. It becomes exciting, exhilarating...

Dangerous.

Roy dreams of saving all the world’s children from famine, disease, war and abuse. The Boy Genius has a gift for seeing things in a rare and enlightening way, brimming with potential. He shares his unique perspective with Angela, giving her a glimpse into the mind of a true prodigy and the lightning connections that illuminate his world. But she also sees darkness. The mind of Roy Wiley can turn anything from a pizza pie to a toy helicopter into a powerful and dangerous weapon, and he talks constantly of adults- and the harm they do to children with their secrets and lies.

Angela tries to help Roy control his obsessions, but after bullies attack him, Roy strikes back, and the reprisals and counter-reprisals grow more and more violent. Angela’s attempts to stop the cycle result in her friends abandoning her and Roy’s enemies targeting her as well. Amid the escalating violence, Angela discovers that the bullies aren’t quite who she thought they were, and realizes that the line between genius and madness may be about to disappear. No adult will believe her suspicions, so Angela Dawn must decide alone whether or not, in his zeal to save the world, Roy Wiley may be hiding the darkest secret of all.

#145 Jshaw

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Posted 01 July 2011 - 10:00 AM

Moonshade, wendy- thanks for your comments. I'm keeping "summer" in only because I want to emphasize that the entire novel takes place within the span of one summer.

So. Version 14. Minor tweaks, but more-or-less good to go, I think.

Dear Ms. Agent:

Twelve-year-old Angela Dawn’s summer changes radically when her arrogant and hyper-intelligent classmate Roy Wiley agrees to tutor her in math. It becomes exciting, exhilarating...

Dangerous. (nice hook)

Roy dreams of saving all the world’s children from famine, disease, war and abuse. The Boy Genius has a gift for seeing things in a rare and enlightening way, brimming with potential. He shares his unique perspective with Angela, giving her a glimpse into the mind of a true prodigy and the lightning connections that illuminate his world. But she also sees darkness. The mind of Roy Wiley can turn anything from a pizza pie to a toy helicopter into a powerful and dangerous weapon, and he talks constantly of adults- and the harm they do to children with their secrets and lies (being super nitpicky, there are three 'ands' in this sentence. Otherwise, I think this paragraph is solid. I have a great idea of Roy)

Angela tries to help Roy control his obsessions, but after bullies attack him, Roy strikes back, and the reprisals and counter-reprisals grow more and more violent (it feels like you're straining to fit everything into one sentence). Angela’s attempts to stop the cycle result in have? her friends abandoning her and Roy’s enemies targeting her as well. Amid the escalating violence, Angela discovers that the bullies aren’t quite who she thought they were, and realizes that the line between genius and madness may be about to disappear. No adult will believe her suspicions, so Angela Dawn must decide alone whether or not, in his zeal to save the world, Roy Wiley may be hiding the darkest secret of all.


Solid query here bkeats! I like that you've gone back to your original concept. The story seems much darker now that it's for adults. Great work and Good Luck! :biggrin:




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