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RECODED Synopsis (Adult Social-Scifi)

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#1 ryankalford

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Posted 02 May 2015 - 06:46 AM

Hey everyone,

 

I wasn't sure if I was ready to post this or not, but I suppose now is as good as ever. At this point, I feel I have a great query and an absolutely killer book (in near-final editing stages), but not certain my synopsis will pan out as well as the former two. I just want something that's decent and makes sense enough not to give agent the urge to say no despite being impressed with the query and pages. If I had a more traditional story, this wouldn't be a problem, but my narrative is splti between three main POVs (Dani and her parents), and each of them carry various amounts of plot knowledge divided between them the others aren't aware of at times, or at all.

 

Unforunately, my MC, Dani, is the one who holds the least amount of info regarding the greater overarching plot. So I've tried to balance switching between her and her father in the synopsis given the partciular rules and limitations expected for a synopsis. I had the same problem with my query, but I was able to work around this once I decided to break a couple of the "rules" and microscope focus on the first major incident in the novel. So I've tried my best to keep to the adage "keep it simple stupid" (but most likely failed, of course).

 

Without further ado, 

 

Word Count: 784

 

___________

 

 

RECODED SYNOPSIS

 

Date; March 15th 3237. Location; Heaven’s Reach International Space Colony. Classified project; The Xanos Gene Trial. Qualities; Hyper-intelligence and immunity to disease. Current Status; endangered by 3rd Gen five-year-old DANI REDFIELD.

  

In Eden Park, she stares at the Earth for the first time. It’s beautiful and majestic—everything her life the past week lacks. She’s the first child at Gifted Gen to get sick, and she doesn’t know why. Even worse, her parent’s fight about it crushes her with guilt. So much so, she can’t help but confide in her councilor what she overheard. That her father’s claims her mama gave her the virus are false; she never had it in the first place.

 

In that instant, ALAN REDFEILD’s worst nightmare turns reality. His boss, the Director—the scumbag who tried to molest his wife three years ago—now knows the truth. Dani wasn’t sick; her genes mutated. He’s arrested at his workstation along with his wife and slapped with conspiracy charges. He agonizes over the fact the daughter he tried to protect is now in the Director’s slimy clutches. His life’s over.

 

Enter ARCHER DRAGO—head of Drago Corporation and the Xanos Project’s founder. He fires the Director, drops the charges, and returns Dani. Going further, he promotes Alan to Director, and gives Dani a fresh start at a new school in the Lan Chou district. At first, she’s intimidated and daunted by her new surroundings and circumstances, but through the tutorage of her appointed Lan Chou escort—Drago’s fiancé—she learns to tap into inner strengths she never thought she possessed.

 

One morning, a hacked android nearly kidnaps her. During an argument between Drago’s fiancé and her parents, she indirectly learns that Drago’s kindness was nothing short of a ruse to catch a dangerous spy. Furious at the betrayal, Dani isolates herself in her room for four days, intent on never trusting anyone again. But her father changes her mind when he makes it clear it’s her choice, and her choice alone for a change, to keep playing the role of Drago’s bait. She chooses to do so, swelling with her new-found strength inside, but more importantly, the desire to protect her former Gifted Gen peers from bad men like the previous Director.

 

Things seem clear. But when Dani’s teacher pulls Alan aside to his office under the guise of a routine parent-teacher conference, he reveals himself as the spy—an agent of the mysterious order known as the Bai Mudan. A group Drago belonged too until he stole their holy creation, The Queen Seed—a genetic cocktail that’s the basis for the Xanos Project, and the source of Dani’s mutation. She’s a man-made savior, graced with potential abilities and powers beyond humanity’s comprehension. The Bai Mudan agent leaves Alan with an impossible choice—let him take Dani away to have a chance at true freedom, or leaving her to fate to become Drago’s ultimate tool in reshaping the world under his vision. Alan’s heart is torn, but he knows there’s only one right choice to make.

 

Date; July 12, the night of Gifted Gen’s first Graduation Ball. Alan takes his family out to Eden Park under the glowing presence of the Earth. There, he tells Dani as he hugs her, with tears in his eyes, “We’ll always love you, your Mama and I. No matter what.” He’s shot in the shoulder, bleeding. The Bai Mudan agent materializes from under an optic cameo cloak and zaps Dani unconscious with a bright electrical shock. She goes limp in his arms, and disappears with him, forever. His heart shatters, knowing, despite his best wishes, he’ll never see her again.

 

As his wife pulls his limp form along back to the ballroom, they find the rest of the parents have been murdered gruesomely by gunpoint. Shocked, horrified, and appalled beyond all comprehension, Drago appears on stage and reveals to them that Alan’s decision not to trust him has forced his hand. He has allowed Dani to be taken by the Bai Mudan agent, only so she can unknowingly help him locate their headquarters and eradicate them for good. Worst of all, he reveals Dani is only half the Queen Seed; the other half has bonded with him. He proves this by speaking directly into Alan’s mind telepathically. Backed into a corner with nowhere to run, the Redfield’s are tragically murdered. Alan’s wife dies in his arms before, like Ceaser on the Ides of March, the final figurative knife plunges into him.

 

With the first wheel of Drago’s plans for recreating world in motion, he awakens the genetic mutations in the other children. Like Dani, they become sick, and life’s circular nature begins anew.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


RECODED <250 EDITING FEEDBACK + ADVICE

http://agentquerycon...t-social-scifi/

 

RECODED QUERY (FINISHED???)

http://agentquerycon...scifi/?p=250665

 

RECODED: GENESIS (Dani POV) 250

http://agentquerycon...t-social-scifi/

 
RECODED: Chapter 1 (Lillian POV) 250

http://agentquerycon...-social-sci-fi/

 

RECODED Synopsis (REWRITING SOON)

http://agentquerycon...t-social-scifi/


#2 smithgirl

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Posted 04 May 2015 - 02:24 PM

At this point, I feel I have a great query and an absolutely killer book -- be sure you don't make a statement like this in your query.  It won't come off well.

 

 

 

 

 

RECODED SYNOPSIS

 

Date; All these semi-colons should be colons. March 15th 3237. Location; Heaven’s Reach International Space Colony. Classified project; The Xanos Gene Trial. Qualities; Hyper-intelligence and immunity to disease. Current Status; endangered by 3rd Gen five-year-old DANI REDFIELD.

 

 

In Eden Park, she ​Is she Dani? stares at the Earth for the first time. What planet is the colony on that they have a view of Earth? I think we should know the planet. Also, why is she seeing the Earth for the first time? It’s beautiful and majestic—everything her life the past week lacksed.  She’s the first child at Gifted Gen to get sick, and she doesn’t know why. Even worse, her parent’s parents' fight about it crushes her with guilt. So much so, she can’t help but confide in her councilor counselor A councilor is a member of a council. A counselor is a therapist. what she overheard. That her father’s claims that her mama gave her the virus are false; she never had So she had the virus -- was sick but now she's not?  it in the first place. Above, it sounds like Dani is currently sick, but the last sentence makes it sound like she was sick (might have had the virus), but now must be better since the virus was in the past.

 

These thoughts seem very sophisticated for a five-year-old. Is it because she is hyper-intelligent. 

 

In that instant,In which instant? I assumed the instant must be when Dani confessed to her counselor, but Alan is her father? Need to define Alan. ALAN REDFEILD’s worst nightmare turns reality. His boss, the Director—​The Director is the counselor? the scumbag who tried to molest his wife three years ago—​Not sure this is relevant. now knows the truth. Dani wasn’t sick; her genes mutated. What? Her genes mutated? How was this discovered? She just told her counselor she was sick. How did that information turn into the discovery that her genes had mutated? He’s Alan? arrested at his workstation along with his wife and slapped with conspiracy charges. ​Why is the father held responsible for his daughter's mutated genes? He agonizes over the fact the daughter he tried to protect is now in the Director’s slimy clutches. The Director gets custody now of Dani? His life’s is over.

 

Having a mutated gene caused Dani to get sick? Or having a mutated gene made her susceptible to illness? I'm wondering indirect or direct cause.

 

Enter I would omit Enter. Sounds like a screenplay. ARCHER DRAGO—head of Drago Corporation and the Xanos Project’s founder. He fires the Director, drops the charges, and returns Dani.  Going further, he promotes Alan to Director, and gives Dani a fresh start at a new school in the Lan Chou district. Why does Archer do all these things? At first, she’s intimidated and daunted by her new surroundings and circumstances, but through the tutorage of her appointed Lan Chou escort—Drago’s fiancé—she learns to tap into inner strengths she never thought she possessed. So her mutation doesn't make her sick anymore? What are the effects of her mutation? And not sure why it's important she taps into new, inner strengths because before she seemed to be OK, right? Except for having  a mutation.

 

One morning, a hacked android nearly kidnaps her. During an argument between Drago’s fiancé and her parents, she Dani indirectly learns that Drago’s kindness was nothing short of a ruse to catch a dangerous spy. OK, here is the Drago's motivation, but I don't follow how Drago's kindness helps him to catch the spy. Furious at the betrayal, Dani isolates herself in her room for four days, intent on never trusting anyone again. Why is Dani angry at the betrayal? Shouldn't her parents be angry? But her father changes her mind when he makes it clear it’s What's her choice? her choice, and her choice alone for a change, to keep playing the role of Drago’s bait. ​So Drago is using her for bait? You might clarify this earlier. Also, why is Dani such good bait? Why her and not another girl? She chooses to do so, swelling with her new-found strength inside, but more importantly, the desire to protect her former Gifted Gen peers from bad men like the previous Director. But I thought the previous Director is gone? Is the spy a bad person who is in charge?

 

Things seem clear. To whom? To Dani? To Drago? But when Dani’s teacher pulls Alan aside to his whose office? office under the guise of a routine parent-teacher conference, he reveals himself as the spy—an agent of the mysterious order known as the Bai Mudan. This is a group Drago belonged too until he the spy or Drago? stole their holy creation, colon The Queen Seed—a genetic cocktail that’s the basis for the Xanos Project, and the source of Dani’s mutation. She’s She is Dani? a man-made savior, graced with potential abilities and powers beyond humanity’s comprehension. The Bai Mudan agent leaves Alan with an impossible choice—let him Who is him? The father or the teacher? take Dani away to have a chance at true freedom Where would the teacher take her to give her true freedom? , or leaving her to fate to become Drago’s ultimate tool in reshaping the world under his vision. What is Drag's vision? Alan’s heart is torn, but he knows there’s only one right choice to make.

 

Date; July 12, the night of Gifted Gen’s first Graduation Ball. Alan takes his family out to Eden Park under the glowing presence of the Earth. There, he tells Dani as he hugs her, with tears in his eyes, “We’ll always love you, your Mama and I. No matter what.” Don't usually have dialogue in a synopsis. You can just use narrative to express the adieus. He’s shot in the shoulder, bleeding. What? When does the father get shot? Just now? Your phrasing sounds like he was shot already, as he saying goodbye. If he is shot just then, need to make it sound more immediate. The Bai Mudan agent I'm confused here because I thought that spy was a member of the Bai Mudan, and the father was giving Dani to the spy. So why is she kidnapped by the Bai Mudan? materializes from under an optic cameo cloak a cloke of invisibility (don't need to use this special name here) and zaps Dani unconscious with a bright electrical shock. She goes limp in his Who's arms?arms, and disappears with him, Disappears with whom?  forever. Forever? How does he know it will be forever? His Whose heart? heart shatters, knowing, despite his best wishes, best wishes sounds like he's wishing her luck. Try something else, like greatest hopeshe’ll never see her again.

 

As his wife pulls his limp Dani was just limp in his arms. Need a different adjective. form along back to the ballroom, ​I thought they were outside? In the park? they find the rest of the parents have been murdered gruesomely by gunpoint. The parents are all in the ballroom? Why are there parents in a ballroom? Shocked, horrified, and appalled One descriptor is enough. :) beyond all comprehension, Drago ​I think the parents are shocked, but this construction reads like Drago is shocked. Still not sure why people are in a ballroom. appears on stage and reveals to them that Alan’s decision not to trust him has forced his hand. He has allowed Dani to be taken by the Bai Mudan agent, What? I thought I thought Drago had left the Bai Mudan? only so she can unknowingly help him locate their headquarters and eradicate them for good. OK, I seen now. But really it's the spy who reveals the location, right? Not Dani. Worst of all, he reveals Dani is only half the Queen Seed; I thought that the Queen Seed was the source of Dani's mutation, but I didn't know that Dani was the Queen Seed (or now half of it) the other half has bonded with him. ​This description makes it sound like the seed is person who made a decision to bond. He proves this by speaking directly into Alan’s mind telepathically. Backed into a corner with nowhere to run, the Redfield’s are tragically murdered. Alan’s wife dies in his arms before, like Ceaser on the Ides of March, This is too dramatic. the final figurative knife plunges into him. I would say this last sentence is a bit too dramatic, even omitting the Ides  of March thing. You have a lot of people in arms.

 

With the first wheel of Drago’s plans for recreating the world in motion, he awakens the genetic mutations in the other children. Like Dani, they become sick, ​I would like to know a bit more about what it means to be sick. Deathly sick? Sick with just one, specific illness? Sick with a variety of illnesses? Sick all the time or just once in a while? Also, do only the children get sick? Not the adults? Finally,  why does Drago want the children to get sick? How does he benefit? Stock in a biotech startup? : -)  ​You can't clarify all these details, but maybe a brief explanation of sickness consequences and also how Drago benefits. and life’s circular nature begins anew. Is the first book in a sequel? It sounds like the story could go on...?

 

 

Hey Ryan,

I think you did a great job of handling the multiple POV things. I had no issues that with.

 

However, there were many things in your synopsis that were unclear to me. I marked those locations. It's hard to tell a story clearly in so few words, so I fully sympathize. You did a good job of keeping a minimum number of character name and not including a ton of story-specific terminology (those things tend to happen a lot). You do really need to watch out with your pronouns. Frequently, their antecedents were unclear and I don't know who is being referred to. I hope my comments are helpful. 

 

Your story sounds exciting. I'm sure it's clear in your book, but need to clarify here.

 



#3 MZM

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Posted 04 May 2015 - 11:50 PM

I would add to smithgirl's comments that you don't need to get too literary in a synopsis, so don't be afraid of being straight and to the point. Clarity> showing vs telling, etc. If an agent is reading your synopsis is because s/he's already interested in your query+first pages so s/he wants to know how the story develops and if the plot lives up to the hook created in the query (and if you know how to finish it, haha).

 

Maria M.



#4 ryankalford

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Posted 05 May 2015 - 08:16 AM

Thanks for being brave enough to take the first leap in tearing the synopsis apart, smithgirl. I apperciate the effort. Probably won't be till the weekend before I'm able to redraft (knee-deep in editing my potential final draft at-the-moment), but your feedback won't be wasted, I assure you. :)

 

Regarding my query, no, it doesn't feature me boasting about having a killer book. I'm not that obtuse. XD (I know when to be profressional!)

 

Thanks for the advice, MZM. It makes me a little bit less nervous about being more direct, since some of the "advice" seemed to stress walking the middle road between narrative and plot . . . even though you'd figure the pages and query would certainly give a good indication of that. That was closer to my original logic, anyways.


RECODED <250 EDITING FEEDBACK + ADVICE

http://agentquerycon...t-social-scifi/

 

RECODED QUERY (FINISHED???)

http://agentquerycon...scifi/?p=250665

 

RECODED: GENESIS (Dani POV) 250

http://agentquerycon...t-social-scifi/

 
RECODED: Chapter 1 (Lillian POV) 250

http://agentquerycon...-social-sci-fi/

 

RECODED Synopsis (REWRITING SOON)

http://agentquerycon...t-social-scifi/


#5 SnowGlobe

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Posted 14 May 2015 - 10:48 AM

In that instant, ALAN REDFEILD’s worst nightmare turns reality. His boss, the Director—the scumbag who tried to molest his wife three years ago—now knows the truth. Dani wasn’t sick; her genes mutated. He’s arrested at his workstation, along with his wife, and both are slapped with conspiracy charges. He agonizes over the fact the daughter he's been devoted to protecting is now in the Director’s slimy clutches. His life is over.

 

One morning, a hacked android nearly kidnaps her. During an argument between Drago’s fiancé and her parents, she indirectly learns that Drago’s kindness was nothing short of a ruse to catch a dangerous spy. Furious at the betrayal, Dani isolates herself in her room for four days, intent on never trusting anyone again. Her father changes her mind when he makes it clear it’s her choice whether to keep playing the role of Drago’s bait. She chooses to continue, swelling with her new-found inner strength inside. More importantly, she has a new desire to protect her former Gifted Gen peers from bad men like the previous Director.

 

When Dani’s teacher pulls Alan aside under the guise of a routine parent-teacher conference, he reveals himself as the spy—an agent of the mysterious order known as the Bai Mudan—a group Drago belonged to until he stole their holy creation. The Queen Seed—a genetic cocktail that’s the basis for the Xanos Project, and the source of Dani’s mutation—is their holy creation. Dani is a man-made savior, graced with potential abilities and powers beyond humanity’s comprehension. The Bai Mudan agent leaves Alan with an impossible choice—let him take Dani away to have a chance at true freedom, or leaving her to fate to become Drago’s ultimate tool in reshaping the world under his vision. Alan’s heart is torn, but he knows there’s only one right choice to make.

 

Date; July 12, the night of Gifted Gen’s first Graduation Ball. Alan takes his family out to Eden Park under the glowing presence of the Earth. There, he tells Danias he hugs her, with tears in his eyes“We’ll always love you, your Mama and I. No matter what.” He’s shot in the shoulder, bleeding. The Bai Mudan agent materializes from under an optic cameo cloak and zaps Dani unconscious with a bright electrical shock. She goes limp in his arms, and disappears with him, forever. His heart shatters, knowing, despite his best wishes, he’ll never see her again.

 

As his wife pulls his limp form along back to the ballroom, they find the rest of the parents have been murdered gruesomely by gunpoint. Shocked, horrified, and appalled (too many descriptors) beyond all comprehension, Drago appears on stage and reveals to them that Alan’s decision not to trust him has forced his hand. He has allowed Dani to be taken by the Bai Mudan agent, only so she can unknowingly help him locate their headquarters and eradicate them for good. Worst of all, he reveals Dani is only half the Queen Seed; the other half has bonded with him. He proves this by speaking directly into Alan’s mind telepathically. Backed into a corner with nowhere to run, the Redfield’s are tragically murdered. Alan’s wife dies in his arms before, like Ceaser on the Ides of March, the final figurative knife plunges into him.

 

With the first wheel of Drago’s plans for recreating world in motion (no clue what this means), he awakens the genetic mutations in the other children. Like Dani, they become sick, and life’s circular nature begins anew.

 

I didn't put in paragraphs I made no suggestions for. I like the concept. 



#6 ryankalford

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Posted 03 July 2015 - 10:01 PM

Hey everyone!

 

I have some pretty cool news. During PitMad I got a request from a brand new agent for my book . . . problem is PitMad was the same week I moved to a new home, and I've been without internet until now. Anyways, I'm hoping to finally send off my stuff by this coming Monday/Tuesday, and would apperciate any last-minute feedback about the latest version of my Synopsis. The agent request single-spaced (one page) synopsis to be in 12pt font, so I ended up having to cut about 100 words. But I think it worked out in my favor, personally. The basic form is still the same, but I retooled it according to the previous feedback as best I could. I think it's decent now. It's total and utter simplifcation  . . . but with one page and 600 words to try to balance 3 POV's that operate at different but connected levels--the "ideal" synopsis isn't much an option. But I guess I'll have to live with that, good or bad.

 

 

RECODED SYNOPSIS

 

Above the Earth, ARCHER DRAGO arrives on Heaven’s Reach International Space Colony. He has one mission: kill his father and brother to seize control of Drago Corporation—his rightful inheritance. With the help of his darling love ALYSSA, the unpleasant but necessary deed is accomplished. Just like the small green vial tucked in his pocket, The Corporation, and now the future of the world, are theirs to reshape into a grand new vision.

 

Ten years later, DANI REDFIELD stands in Eden Park. She stares at the Earth for the first time. It’s beautiful and majestic—everything her life the past week lacks. She’s the first child at Gifted Gen to get sick, and she doesn’t know why. Even worse, her parent’s fight about it crushes her with guilt. So much so, she can’t help but confide in her councilor what she overheard. That her father’s claims her mama gave her the virus are false. In truth, her mama never had it to begin with.

 

By his daughter’s admission, ALAN REDFEILD’s worst nightmare turns reality. His boss, the Director—the scumbag who tried to molest his wife three years ago—now knows the truth he tried to hide. Dani wasn’t sick; her genes mutated. He’s arrested at his workstation along with his wife and slapped with conspiracy charges. He agonizes over his failure to protect his daughter. Their lives are over.

 

But Drago intervenes and saves them. Wanting to make amends, he promotes Alan to Director, and gives Dani a fresh start at a new school in the Lan Chou district. At first, she’s intimidated and daunted by her new surroundings and circumstances, but through the tutorage of her appointed Lan Chou escort—Alyssa—she learns to tap into an inner courage she never thought she possessed.

 

All seems clear. But when Dani’s teacher pulls Alan aside to his office under the guise of a routine parent-teacher conference, he reveals himself as a spy—an agent of the mysterious order known as the Bai Mudan. A group Drago belonged too until he stole their holy creation, The Queen Seed—a genetic cocktail that’s the source of Dani’s mutation. She’s a man-made savior, graced with potential abilities and powers beyond humanity’s comprehension. The Bai Mudan agent leaves Alan with an impossible choice—let him take Dani away to the Bai Mudan to have a chance at true freedom, or leave her to her fate to become Drago’s ultimate tool in reshaping humanity through her genes. Alan’s heart is torn, but he knows there’s only one choice to make.

 

Three months later, Alan takes his family out to Eden Park during Gifted Gen’s first Graduation Ball. The Bai Mudan agent strikes after receiving Alan’s signal, taking Dani away under the guise of a violent kidnapping. As he and his wife head back to the ballroom to feign distress, they find the rest of the parents have been murdered gruesomely by Alyssa at gunpoint. Horrified beyond all comprehension, Drago appears on stage and reveals to them he has allowed Dani to be taken by the Bai Mudan agent only so she can unknowingly help him eradicate them. Worse, he reveals she is only half the Queen Seed; the other half has bonded with him. He proves this by speaking directly into Alan’s mind telepathically. Invalided at every turn, the Redfield’s are tragically murdered.

 

With another regretful but necessary task complete, Drago awakens the genetic mutations in the other children. Like Dani before them, they become sick, transforming beyond their human limitations—the first seeds sprouted in his bid to evolve society into a true paradise history has failed to usher. Now, its grand stage is his to conduct to victory . . .


RECODED <250 EDITING FEEDBACK + ADVICE

http://agentquerycon...t-social-scifi/

 

RECODED QUERY (FINISHED???)

http://agentquerycon...scifi/?p=250665

 

RECODED: GENESIS (Dani POV) 250

http://agentquerycon...t-social-scifi/

 
RECODED: Chapter 1 (Lillian POV) 250

http://agentquerycon...-social-sci-fi/

 

RECODED Synopsis (REWRITING SOON)

http://agentquerycon...t-social-scifi/






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