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Sinners and Saints (Paranormal Romance)


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#1 Paranormal diva

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Posted 04 March 2011 - 12:51 AM

I am happy to say that I just found this site and quickly joined. This will be the first time I have posted anything about my writing, so I am a little anxious. Here goes......

Dear,.......

I am seeking you, and your agency to help represent me and my paranormal romance novel, Sinners and Saints.

What happens when a hardened Vampire executioner meets her match?

Riana Agiad is immortal. She, along with all Immortals belong to a race known as the Delphian’s. Riana is the best damn executioner within their race, she also happens to be a Master Vampire.

Cheveyo Micco, is a Seminole Warrior Chief. Chev is not your typical immortal. He owns a biker bar in the middle of New Orleans, aptly named Sinners and Saints. Chev is one of the most powerful Delphian’s in existence and known to be notoriously reclusive.

Riana, is given an order buy the Council of their race to execute a dragon. When her plans go awry and the tracker fails to show up, Riana is forced to go in search of the trackers notorious leader, the Chief, Cheveyo Micco. What she finds is more than she bargained for, A mate she didn’t know about, and a love she didn’t expect.

Now that Chev and Riana have finally found each other, they must find a way to fight the evil that pits against them. Together they join forces with a band of friends, where they will race against the clock to fight against an evil that could possibly destroy them all.

Sinners and Saints is completed at around 99,470 words. It is a first book in the series, Sinners and Saints. I am presently working on the rest of this paranormal series.

I currently work in an Emergency Room, as a Registration Specialist, where I have been employed for the last thirteen years. I have been married for thirteen years to my best friend, we have two beautiful children ages seven and eleven. I have always been an avid reader of romance. One day I decided that I could write my own story, so here I am a year later with my novel completed.

Thank you for your consideration and time. I look forward to hearing from you.

Hildi Parker

#2 Eleanora di Toledo

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Posted 04 March 2011 - 09:44 AM

Hi Hildi,
That's incredible that you've written an almost 100,000 word book! Congratulations! (I've only got 16K.) The big problem I see is that you make very basic punctuation and word usage mistakes. You could have the best plot for a paranormal romance in the world but I don't think that your writing is polished enough to get published. I see you use the apostrophe in a funny way and you leave it out when it is needed. Did you do that all through your whole book, too? I also see run-on sentences and other mistakes like:

Riana, is given an order buy the Council ...should read....Riana is given an order by the Council

If this is the query letter, what is the manuscript like? Invest in learning some of those basic punctuation rules and then every time you come across those situations, you will get it right the first time. For now, I think you should go back and proofread the hell out of it before sending out anything.
Sorry! ...and try not to take it out on me when I come bleeding into your Emergency room! :)

#3 bkeats

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Posted 04 March 2011 - 10:11 AM

Let's give 'er a whirl, shall we?


I am seeking you and your agency to help represent me and my paranormal romance novel, Sinners and Saints.

What happens when a hardened Vampire executioner meets her match? "Vampire" is not usually capitalized.

Riana Agiad is immortal. She, along with all Immortals, belong to a race known as the Delphian’s. Either "Delphian" or the "Delphians." No apostrophe here. Riana is the best damn executioner within their race. She also happens to be a Master Vampire. What does that mean?

Cheveyo Micco is a Seminole Warrior Chief. Chev is not your typical immortal. I understand what your point here is, but this line makes Immortals sound boring. He owns a biker bar in the middle of New Orleans, aptly named Sinners and Saints. Chev is one of the most powerful Delphian’s in existence and known to be notoriously reclusive. I don't get this. How can you own a biker bar in the middle of a major city and be reclusive? I imagine the "typical" Immortal is much more reclusive than this, as they wish to keep their Secret hidden. Chev must stick out like a sore thumb- all other Immortals must know where to find him.
Riana is given an order buy the Council of their race to execute a dragon. Whoa! A dragon? This is our world, right? How does the dragon keep itself hidden? When her plans go awry and the tracker fails to show up, Riana is forced to go in search of the tracker's notorious leader, the Chief, Cheveyo Micco. What she finds is more than she bargained for. A mate she didn’t know about, (what makes Chev her mate?) and a love she didn’t expect.

Now that Chev and Riana have finally found each other, they must find a way to fight the evil that pits against them. Together they join forces with a band of friends, where they will race against the clock to fight against an evil that could possibly destroy them all. I can't even suggest a fix here, because you make no mention anywhere what this evil is.

Sinners and Saints is completed at around 99,470 words. It is a first book in the series, Sinners and Saints. I am presently working on the rest of this paranormal series.

I currently work in an Emergency Room, as a Registration Specialist, where I have been employed for the last thirteen years. I have been married for thirteen years to my best friend, we have two beautiful children ages seven and eleven. I have always been an avid reader of romance. One day I decided that I could write my own story, so here I am a year later with my novel completed. Brutal fact: Agents don't care who you are. They only care what you've done as a writer (unless your experience directly relates to your book).

Thank you for your consideration and time. I look forward to hearing from you.

There are a number of comma and grammar issues, for which I have made suggested substitutions. This query needs some work, but I see no reason why it can't wind up sparkling and ready to go. I wish you the best, and am here anytime for more unsolicited and possibly useless advice :cool:

Happy Writing.

#4 Lori Sjoberg

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Posted 04 March 2011 - 12:49 PM

Dear,.......

I am seeking you, and your agency to help represent me and representation for my paranormal romance novel, Sinners and Saints.

What happens when a hardened Vampire executioner meets her match? - vague question that does nothing to entice the reader

Riana Agiad is immortal. She, along with all Immortals <Is it "immortal" or "Immortal?" You switch back and forth. belong to a race known as the Delphian’s. <Either "Delphian" or "Delphians" Riana is the best damn executioner within their race. She also happens to be a Master Vampire. <You need to clarify the term "Master Vampire." Not everyone is familiar with this term.

Cheveyo Micco, is a Seminole Warrior Chief. Chev is not your typical immortal. He owns a biker bar in the middle of New Orleans, aptly named Sinners and Saints. Chev is one of the most powerful Delphian’s in existence and known to be notoriously reclusive. <I have to agree with bkeats here. Why would a reclusive immortal run a bar in the heart of New Orleans?

Riana, is given an order buyby the Council of their race to execute a dragon. <Wait, isn't she a vampire executioner? Where did the dragon come from? When her plans go awry and the tracker fails to show up, Riana is forced to go in search of the trackers notorious leader, the Chief, Cheveyo Micco. What she finds is more than she bargained for, A a mate she didn’t know about, and a love she didn’t expect. <This sentence is extremely vague.

Now that Chev and Riana have finally found each other, they must find a way to fight the evil that pits against them. <What evil? Together they join forces with a band of friends, where they will race against the clock to fight against an evil that could possibly destroy them all. <This entire paragraph is very vague. You need to give enough details to entice the agent into requesting a partial or full.

Sinners and Saints is completed at around 99,470 words. It is a first book in the series, Sinners and Saints. I am presently working on the rest of this paranormal series.

I currently work in an Emergency Room, as a Registration Specialist, where I have been employed for the last thirteen years. I have been married for thirteen years to my best friend, we have two beautiful children ages seven and eleven. I have always been an avid reader of romance. One day I decided that I could write my own story, so here I am a year later with my novel completed.

Thank you for your consideration and time. I look forward to hearing from you.

Hildi Parker


While your story sounds interesting, the vampire genre is extremely competitive so it's critical to show how your manuscript is unique. Also, you have a number of grammar and punctuation issues. If an agent reads your query in its current form, s/he can't help but wonder if your manuscript reads the same way.

Good luck! I look forward to reading your revised query.

#5 seth marcus

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Posted 04 March 2011 - 02:50 PM

Here are some words of encouragement: While the previous posters have offered you some well intended critques, keep in ming that the more questions you are asked during their critiques the more unique your story must be. Take courage and pay it forward. Good luck with you project, I look forward to seeing your revisions.

#6 jwmstudio

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Posted 04 March 2011 - 05:30 PM

I agree with the comments above. Don't get discouraged; revise and post again. You can do it! :biggrin:
JWM
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#7 Paranormal diva

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Posted 06 March 2011 - 07:24 PM

I would like to thank everyone for their time and comments. I will contine to work on it and repost it very soon.

Thank you.




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